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  "description": "jk it's not a dream i wish it were\n\nmy favorite colors are the colors of deep water.\nsometimes i see it in my eyes.  the ocean.  but also puss and mold and rot.  no, that's just empathy isn't it.\n\ni am afraid to let people see my eyes.  i feel like i am drowning them when they see my soul.   and then i feel the guilt and the shame.  and then i remember there is no ground to stand on.",
  "description_bbcode_parsed": "<span style='word-wrap: break-word;'>jk it&#039;s not a dream i wish it were<br /><br />my favorite colors are the colors of deep water.<br />sometimes i see it in my eyes.&nbsp;&nbsp;the ocean.&nbsp;&nbsp;but also puss and mold and rot.&nbsp;&nbsp;no, that&#039;s just empathy isn&#039;t it.<br /><br />i am afraid to let people see my eyes.&nbsp;&nbsp;i feel like i am drowning them when they see my soul.&nbsp;&nbsp; and then i feel the guilt and the shame.&nbsp;&nbsp;and then i remember there is no ground to stand on.</span>",
  "writing": "i often dream of being in the ocean\nalone, treading water.  an endless horizon\ni grab some debris as i find it.  a sturdy enough piece lets me rest\nthese pieces always slip away from me\nit's no one's fault.  i can't afford to chase them far\ni know the only hope of finding land is to travel in a straight line\nthere are no birds or fish\njust an endless volume.  an abyss that waits for me to give up\ni don't keep track of the time.  it would drive me crazy to know\nsometimes it's dark and sometimes it's bright\njust move, don't stop\ni stopped feeling a...long? time ago\nmy body moves automatically\ni don't feel the terror anymore or the hope\nthey're there.  i just don't feel them.\nthat's why i can think about it rationally\njust move until i can't anymore.  aim for land\ni understand the concept of land.  i fantasize about what it's like to stand on it\nthe opportunities of it\ni could...i don't remember.  that's fine\ni remember boats\ni see boats sometimes.  they're great\nthey have people on them.  they aren't like me.  or..were they?  no, the water.\nthey don't touch the water.  right.  the terror.  they were afraid when they looked down at me.\ni don't think about how that makes me feel.  but i can tell it does something\ni shake more and my vital signs diminish.\nmaybe i would be afraid too if i were on a boat and i saw someone in the water\nit is hard to imagine.  something about the boat seems mythical\ni choose to approach the boats.  sometimes i can grab onto one and get some rest\nwas i a person?  i try to remember how to identify my hands\npretty sure i am.  the lack of clear evidence distracts me\nthe distractions help.  they replace the feelings\ni don't get hungry or thirsty.  those are feelings too\nbody moves, nothing else matters\ni stop moving sometimes.  i wake up under the surface\ni feel..panic.  yes.  a failsafe.\nbut i don't drown or choke.  i just come back to the surface\ni know i can't really go straight like this but i try anyway\nthe only times i choke are while i move forward\nlogically the easier thing to do is sink\ni made the decision at the start, though.  swim instead of sink.  so i move.\ni don't remember the start.  i just accept it.\nmost questions offer distracting thoughts, but some invite feelings\nhow do i talk?  i just remembered people talk\ndid i try using words at the boats?\nmouth, tongue, throat.  those make words.  like..breathing\nyes i am breathing.  okay.  the air passes through a hole that i can move\nthose are probably a mouth and tongue.  the idea of checking makes my vision blur\nblurry vision dangerous\ni move the air hole as i breathe.  there are sounds.  i think i made the sound\ni think that's what words are\nthe boat people made different sounds but i think that's just because they are boat people\ni can make words now so they will know i am not like the ocean\n\n\n\n\n",
  "writing_bbcode_parsed": "<span style='word-wrap: break-word;'>i often dream of being in the ocean<br />alone, treading water.&nbsp;&nbsp;an endless horizon<br />i grab some debris as i find it.&nbsp;&nbsp;a sturdy enough piece lets me rest<br />these pieces always slip away from me<br />it&#039;s no one&#039;s fault.&nbsp;&nbsp;i can&#039;t afford to chase them far<br />i know the only hope of finding land is to travel in a straight line<br />there are no birds or fish<br />just an endless volume.&nbsp;&nbsp;an abyss that waits for me to give up<br />i don&#039;t keep track of the time.&nbsp;&nbsp;it would drive me crazy to know<br />sometimes it&#039;s dark and sometimes it&#039;s bright<br />just move, don&#039;t stop<br />i stopped feeling a...long? time ago<br />my body moves automatically<br />i don&#039;t feel the terror anymore or the hope<br />they&#039;re there.&nbsp;&nbsp;i just don&#039;t feel them.<br />that&#039;s why i can think about it rationally<br />just move until i can&#039;t anymore.&nbsp;&nbsp;aim for land<br />i understand the concept of land.&nbsp;&nbsp;i fantasize about what it&#039;s like to stand on it<br />the opportunities of it<br />i could...i don&#039;t remember.&nbsp;&nbsp;that&#039;s fine<br />i remember boats<br />i see boats sometimes.&nbsp;&nbsp;they&#039;re great<br />they have people on them.&nbsp;&nbsp;they aren&#039;t like me.&nbsp;&nbsp;or..were they?&nbsp;&nbsp;no, the water.<br />they don&#039;t touch the water.&nbsp;&nbsp;right.&nbsp;&nbsp;the terror.&nbsp;&nbsp;they were afraid when they looked down at me.<br />i don&#039;t think about how that makes me feel.&nbsp;&nbsp;but i can tell it does something<br />i shake more and my vital signs diminish.<br />maybe i would be afraid too if i were on a boat and i saw someone in the water<br />it is hard to imagine.&nbsp;&nbsp;something about the boat seems mythical<br />i choose to approach the boats.&nbsp;&nbsp;sometimes i can grab onto one and get some rest<br />was i a person?&nbsp;&nbsp;i try to remember how to identify my hands<br />pretty sure i am.&nbsp;&nbsp;the lack of clear evidence distracts me<br />the distractions help.&nbsp;&nbsp;they replace the feelings<br />i don&#039;t get hungry or thirsty.&nbsp;&nbsp;those are feelings too<br />body moves, nothing else matters<br />i stop moving sometimes.&nbsp;&nbsp;i wake up under the surface<br />i feel..panic.&nbsp;&nbsp;yes.&nbsp;&nbsp;a failsafe.<br />but i don&#039;t drown or choke.&nbsp;&nbsp;i just come back to the surface<br />i know i can&#039;t really go straight like this but i try anyway<br />the only times i choke are while i move forward<br />logically the easier thing to do is sink<br />i made the decision at the start, though.&nbsp;&nbsp;swim instead of sink.&nbsp;&nbsp;so i move.<br />i don&#039;t remember the start.&nbsp;&nbsp;i just accept it.<br />most questions offer distracting thoughts, but some invite feelings<br />how do i talk?&nbsp;&nbsp;i just remembered people talk<br />did i try using words at the boats?<br />mouth, tongue, throat.&nbsp;&nbsp;those make words.&nbsp;&nbsp;like..breathing<br />yes i am breathing.&nbsp;&nbsp;okay.&nbsp;&nbsp;the air passes through a hole that i can move<br />those are probably a mouth and tongue.&nbsp;&nbsp;the idea of checking makes my vision blur<br />blurry vision dangerous<br />i move the air hole as i breathe.&nbsp;&nbsp;there are sounds.&nbsp;&nbsp;i think i made the sound<br />i think that&#039;s what words are<br />the boat people made different sounds but i think that&#039;s just because they are boat people<br />i can make words now so they will know i am not like the ocean<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></span>",
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