It was almost Fall now, and Jack’s life had changed so much for so much better.  After his ex dumped him in the Spring he fell into a depression, and Jack’s release valve was sex.  He would never call it an addiction, because he didn’t see it that way any more.  The moments when he was in his pleasure; cock buried in men he’d met on craigslist, or him being the bottom, experimenting with ferals, were the only times in that summer that he didn’t want to kill himself, regardless of how hard and deep his depressions hit him after the afterglow had worn away.  

It was so often that he found himself alone, save for these people on the internet that called him friends and roleplayed, that he realized that he was effectively completely alone.  Sometimes, Lilly would text him.  Sometimes she would message him on YiM, or send him an email instead.  She would always ask him what he had done, who with, if he had taken pictures, and she would always ask for more.  The few and far between times that she did call on him, he always answered, and he always went above and beyond the call of duty for her. 

Her calls, her requests for videos, and pictures, and stories of what he’d done was the only thing in his life that made him feel valued, that made him feel worth something.  He was fat, and he knew he wasn’t attractive in face or body.  His cock wasn’t large, if anything it was below average, perhaps average if he wasn’t so fat.  His grades were a constant reminder that he wasn’t smart.  He was anything but charming, as people in all of his classes liked to make him aware of.  But her… this… beautiful, desirable, smart, funny, goddess of a woman wanted him, and she wanted him bad enough that whenever she had a moment to herself, a moment when she could she wanted every bit of him she could get.  This, in spite of having a fiance of her own.  

She’d sent some pictures of her own for him.  And a few phone videos of her fiance fucking her a few ways, and somehow they excited Jack, seeing her like that, seeing her doing for him the way that he so constantly did for her.   After she’d separated from him for reasons that had nothing to do with Jack, she’d sent some more picture sets, of things that she’d promised but never been able to fill on.  Thing about these pictures though, was… her partners were strangers.  She even remarked of one that he was so gross she’d have never let him fuck her if it wasn’t for Jack’s sake.  Outside of the pictures for Jack, she found pleasure and cured boredom with anyone who suited her fancy, and Jack was always all ears to hear and stroke himself off to her experiences.  But in an odd way, it hurt him.  A different kind of hurt than everything else made him feel, but he couldn’t really stick it down to why, or exactly how it hurt, at least not at the time.  

She had always made him feel special, in a way.  Yes, he always knew he was being used for someone else’s satisfaction, but someone wanted HIM to use!  That was more than he’d ever gotten from anyone else, and it had always been enough.  She had a fiance she could have had sex with anytime she wanted to.  She could have had anyone she ever wanted, but she chose him, even over her fiance.  Until she stopped choosing him over her fiance and stopped choosing him over everyone she could have.  He had been “just some guy” his whole life, he’d never been special, he’d never been needed, and barely ever been wanted, and after a year or longer of this person convincing him that he was special he saw that he wasn’t.  

He hadn’t been roleplaying with her nearly as much.  He cut out the ferals, the craigslist meetups, and squashed the idea of visiting prostitutes.  He had almost stopped looking at pornography in general, replacing that stress relief with videogames and using prayer effectively to fight off his urges.  And people would scoff at him both online and in real life for putting so much weight on prayer, but it worked for him.  The constant exercise of trying to acquire friends and trying to acquire a girlfriend was ended, as he finally found contentedness in the resolute belief that his God had a plan for him.  Occasionally she would call, she would ask, and when he said know she’d ever so cutely beg, she’d use guilt and guile and everything she had in her book to wrap him back around her little finger, and yes, occasionally he backslid.  Then suddenly, without any real warning, her job became too hectic and too busy, and she all but disappeared.  

He managed to keep himself clean without that devil on his shoulder, and even though all of his problems were still there, he was able to deal with them, as something that happened, something that was, something that was planned for him.  He went on about his life as well as he could, and in one fell swoop, every prayer was answered in the most simple way.  He was gifted the single thing that solves every problem.  That salve that cures every illness, that tool that fixes every broken piece of your soul.  He was finally given love.  

This girl never asked what he looked like, never asked him for a picture, never asked him for a gift.  When he wanted to start slow and be friends she didn’t think it was weird that a man was saying that, as others had before.  They talked about their lives, and nothing sexual, so often, so much, so long, texting almost all day every day, and eventually talking on the phone constantly.  They never tired of each other, no matter how long they spent together.  They didn’t agree on everything, but somehow their relationship thrived on these conflicts and at the end of every one they were only stronger.  

Jack lost sleep at night praying, worrying, not able to keep his secrets from her and say he really loved her.  And when he confessed to her, and bore his cracked soul at her, she met him with confessions of her own, with a broken heart of her own.  After he’d talked her down from her cry, and made her know everything was alright, and said goodbye so he could go to class, he hung up and cried himself for nearly a half hour.  He was overwhelmed that someone could forgive him, that someone could accept him, that someone else in this world that not only had been where he was, but would love him, and would follow him to become the better people that they both knew they could be.  She forgave him when he could never forgive himself, and he forgave her when she could never forgive himself.  She loved him when he hated himself, and he loved her when no one had ever  loved her before.  

And then Lilly returned.  And to Jack’s credit, he avoided sending her pictures or videos.  He still Rp-d with her, more than he should have, and in more depth and interest than he ever should have.  He still wanted her.  He still wanted to please her, he still had that urge inside him to do what she said, and if it hadn’t been for this love, he would have fallen right back into his old ways.  But the urge, the want, the temptation and the will inside him to go towards it frightened him more than it ever had.  If he broke this time, if he slid back this time, he would destroy the only person on earth that had ever given him anything of value back in his life.  

He tried to cut things apart with Lilly, and end it all, but in the crying, fighting, cursing, arguing that went back and forth, he realised something.  As much as she had meant something to him, he meant something important to her.  He didn’t know what it was, in the crowd of men that would kill for her, that made him different, that made him worth fighting and arguing and pitching a fit for, but he knew she needed him for something.  She wasn’t a bad person that was only using him for her gain.  She was broken somehow, just like he had been broken, and just like his soulmate had been broken, and he made the decision that he couldn’t leave her.  

He wondered if she would ever stop being that devil on his shoulder, as he sat writing emails to her back and forth, trying painfully to avoid the temptation to ask about her escapades or to start another Rp.  He sat awake in bed praying, begging for some way to move forward without hurting anyone, but knowing that if he kept going forward like he always had done that he’d end up destroying everything.  

In his selfish mind, he knew that he would choose his mate over anything in the world.  She gave him life, the light in his world that he’d been given to nurture and to protect just like he had been given her to repair.  To hurt her and to lose her, would be to lose himself, to lose everything he ever could have been and everything he ever wanted.  

He stopped praying for himself and started to pray for his mate.  “Please make me the man that she needs by her side throughout her life, father please never let me hurt her in any way, father please make me faithful, make me longsuffering and unshakeable from her side, please God never let me betray her, never let me break her trust, never let me lie to her…”