[Five men sitting around a table playing cards. Note: Because it is a conversation, there are some things said at the same time as others or some things more audible than others. I've tried to notate these things with "quiet".] Howard: Okay, uh, I'll uh see your five. . .and raise ya five! James: I ante, and I fold. Gilbert: Okay. I'll see your ten and raise you five. Richard: So, it's fifteen to me? Gilbert: Yup. Francis: Yeah. Richard: Okay, I'll see the fifteen and I'll raise five. Gilbert: Ooo-kay. Francis: Okay, I'll see the twenty and I'll raise twenty. All: Ooo. James: Huh-ha. Howard: Okay, I'll fold. James: Huh-ha. Gilbert: I'll fold. James: Ha! Uh, I'm still folded. [Richard and Francis locked in stare; Francis looks down.] Richard: Yeah. I'll see your twenty and call. James: Ha ha ha ha. [Francis throws down cards for all to see.] Howard: Ha ha! I knew it, high card ten. [All laugh.] Gilbert: Unbelievable. James: That's it? Howard: You're the worst bluffer in the history of poker-- Francis: Well, now that we all know that I'm a bad bluffer-- Howard: My grandmother could tell that you were bluffing! -- Francis: Well, why don't we shut up then? Why don't we just shut up? Okay, everyone knows I can't bluff-- Richard: Read 'em and weep. Francis: [to himself] I wish I could weep. Richard: My deal? [shuffles] So, you in or out of this one? I want more of your money. Francis: Just give me a minute. Richard: C'mon, you in or out? Francis: Just give me a minute. Richard: Are you in or out? Francis: Would you just give me a minute?! Richard: What's wrong with you? Having your period? [All laugh; Howard more audibly than the others.] Francis: What if I was, huh? Richard: Do you want to step outside? Francis: No, I just want to have a period, that's all. Just one a month; okay? James: [quiet] C'mon guys. Gilbert: Why? Howard: Might help a guy organize his time. Francis: Yeah. Each month I feel my body become fertile and I'd say, "No, I choose not to have a baby. Oh, rent's due." Richard: Well, that'd be uh. . .That'd be pretty ridiculous, you know, because I hear menopause is ugly. Francis: [sarcastically] Oh? Richard: Yeah. Gilbert: Really? Richard: Yes. Gilbert: I heard it's great. Richard: What? Gilbert: Yeah, I hear it's like taking ecstasy and a rocket ship ride all rolled into one. Richard: [quiet] That's not what I heard. Howard: [quiet] I heard you don't know what you're talking about. Francis: [over rest] Well, we will never know, will we. Howard: Deal. . . [Richard deals.] James: I, uh, ran into Arlene the other day. Howard: [unenthusiastically] Oh yeah, Arlene. Richard: Which one's Arlene again? Gilbert: Yeah, you know, the one with the big tits. Richard: Oh, right. I wish my girlfriend had tits like that. Francis: [quiet] Oh, come on. James: I wish I had tits like that. . .breasts like that. Gilbert: Um. Why? James: I don't know, to give milk or what not. Nurture another living thing. I don't know, lots of reasons. Francis: Yeah, I understand. I understand. Richard: Yeah, well I'll tell you this--you'd get in a lot of trouble if your foreman caught you breast-feeding on the loading dock. Gilbert: Huh, huh, huh, huh. James: Well, then I'd just have to get a job in a more enlightened warehouse. Francis: Yeah. You don't need them. James: No, I wouldn't. Howard: You know Arlene's having a baby. Gilbert: Yeah? James: Oh yeah; that's right. She says it's a boy. No ultrasound. She just knows. Howard: [quiet] Really? That's so cool. Francis: Wow. That's amazing. Gilbert: God, I'd like to have a baby. Richard: Heh! What would you want a baby for? Gilbert: I'm bored. Francis: Oh. . .c'mon. Howard: Good reason! Francis: You would be such a rotten mother. You would be such a rotten, rotten mother. Gilbert: I would not! Francis: You would be a horrible mother! Do you want to know who would be a good mother? Gilbert: [quiet] Yeah, who? James: I would be a good mother. Gilbert: [quiet] Bull. Francis: Nooo. . .you would make a great wet nurse. Howard would make a great mother. Gilbert: Howard? Francis: Yeah, Howard. Gilbert: Why Howard? Francis: Well, think about it. Howard: I'm nurturing. I still have that rubber tree plant from college. James: You're kidding! That thing was like [illustrates with fingers small size] like this big when you got it. Francis: And how big is it now? Howard: 6'2"! Rest: Wow. James: I just wouldn't have the patience. Howard: You need patience. Richard: I guess we all want to be women, huh? Gilbert: Is that womyn with a "Y"? Francis: Oh! Do you have to ask? James: [quiet] Jeez. Richard: Oh, wait, wait! Oh, sorry. I forgot to call wild. Hold on. What do you want wild? James: Uh. Richard: Put your cards down. James: Twos. Howard: Oh. Threes, fives, sevens. Francis: Eights and tens! Gilbert: Um, face cards. Richard: Okay, everything's wild. I'll play you for the ante. What do ya got? Howard: [lays down cards] Five aces. James: [lays down cards. Proud.] Five aces. Gilbert: [lays down cards] Five aces. Richard: [lays down cards] Five aces. Francis: I got nothin'. [throws cards down, face down to center of table.] Gilbert: What do you mean? Howard: You can't have nothing. Francis: I got nothin'. Howard: Everything's wild! Francis: Well, I got nothing. Richard: [looking at Francis's hand.] No. He's right. He's got nothin'. [Shows cards to rest.] James: What a hand! Howard: You are the worst poker player in the history of poker. END