Room 161 - Pet Peeves


Thursday. Sam was at his desk, like usual. The phone rings. "Room service."
"A bottle of Moet and Chandon. Fast." On the other end is a dark and handsome white-tailed buck in his mid-30s. In the room with him are his wife, a beautiful doe in her mid-30s, and their pets: a Russian Blue cat, Tom, and a brown mouse, Jerry. The deer are preparing to go to the casino. The doe is putting on lipstick while her husband straightens his tie. They look at Tom and Jerry lying in front of the television. "Maybe we should leave them here."
"Here in the room?" asks the doe. "All alone?"
"They're pets. They can't do much damage." Sam appears at the door with the deer's champagne. "Leave it on ice," the buck tells him. "We'll have some later." Sam puts the bucket near the bed. He proceeds to leave, but the buck taps his shoulder. "Want a few hundred bucks?"
"Sure," replies Sam. The buck gets out his wallet and fetches from it $300. "Here's three," he says. "My pets are staying here tonight. I want you to check up on them as often as you can." 
"Check up on them?" 
"Yes. Make sure they're all right, they're fed, and all that jazz." He looks at Sam's name tag. "What's your name? Sam?" 
"Yes, It's Sam."
"Okay. Pets, this is Sam. He will check on you now and then. If you need anything, dial pound-tone and ask for Sam." Tom and Jerry give the thumbs-up gesture. The buck turns to Sam. "If anything happens to them, I wouldn't want to be you." The deer book it down the hall before Sam can change his mind. He turns around slowly to face the pets. "Okay," he said. "These are the rules. Don't break the rules and I won't break your necks. I always wanted to say that. Anyway, the rules are simple. Don't do anything you wouldn't do if your owners were here. If there's anything you need, call me on the phone, like your owner said." Sam walks briskly down the hall, counting his money the whole way.
Tom and Jerry now have the room to themselves and begin searching it. Under the mattress, Tom feels around and finds a magazine. He pulls it out and finds that a copy of his favorite Nudie magazine, "WOW," had been stuffed underneath. Jerry, looking at the Nudie magazine, has a better idea. He picks up an instruction card near the phone to see how to make room-to-room calls. "I'm calling another room," he says. "Give me three numbers." 
Tom had come across the Nudie magazine's centerfold and it had a room number at the bottom. "1-5-9."
Jerry punches in the room number. The phone rings. A pretty white shorthair cat answers. "Hello? Oh, my. I'd love to!" She hangs up and heads for room 161. Tom hears footsteps and rushes to stuff the magazine back into the bed. Sam enters the room, with a tray and a new bottle of champagne. He puts the champagne bottle into the empty bucket. "Good thinking," Tom tells him. "Considering that I have a date."
"A date? Your owner didn't tell me about that."
"Yeah. She's a white shorthair that sounds as beautiful as she looks." Sam turned around and sure enough, there was the white cat, Toodles, very beautiful indeed. Sam leaves them on their own again. Toodles closes the door behind her and approaches Tom. However, before they can kiss, Jerry interrupts them, asking, "Do you smell something funny?" The three scan the room, finding the magazine, a hypodermic needle, and a bottle of pills. Then, Jerry follows his nose to the bedside drawer. On top are some unopened condoms for Tom and Toodles. Jerry opens the drawer. He, Tom and Toodles scream loudly; inside the drawer was a severed penis and testicles. Their screaming could be heard from the lobby; Sam woke up amidst the noise. He was further alarmed by the deer couple returning from the casino. "Oh, shit!" Sam breaks into a sprint and dives into a closing elevator. The buck is carrying his wife through the lobby.
Sam bursts into the room. He sees the disarray. "What the fuck is going on??!!" he hollers. "Your owners are on their way up and I'm not taking responsibility for this mess!" Jerry gets to the drawer and opens it. Sam sees the severed genitals. "Jesus fucking Christ! What the fuck is that?" he shouted, with vomit spewing from his mouth. He tears at the phone. "Hello? Police? It's an emergency! This is the Hotel San Venosa. You better get someone over here because there is a cock and balls in the drawer!"
"Don't say that," orders Toodles.
"I'm fucking serious! There's a cock and balls in the drawer!"
"Stop saying that!" Toodles jabs the needle into Sam's thigh. Sam screams in pain. He successfully attempts to get the needle out, but manages to make a mess of the room; the open pill bottle spills, the mattress is pulled off the bed enough to reveal the magazine underneath, a candle knocks over and sets the room ablaze, and an unhappy buck and hungover doe in the doorway witness the whole mess. The buck looks at Sam and says, "Did you have any trouble?"