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Originally from a sketch from The Kids in the Hall.", "writing": "[Five men sitting around a table playing cards. Note: Because it is a conversation, there are some things said at the same time as others or some things more audible than others. I've tried to notate these things with \"quiet\".]\n\nHoward: Okay, uh, I'll uh see your five. . .and raise ya five!\n\nJames: I ante, and I fold.\n\nGilbert: Okay. I'll see your ten and raise you five.\n\nRichard: So, it's fifteen to me?\n\nGilbert: Yup.\n\nFrancis: Yeah.\n\nRichard: Okay, I'll see the fifteen and I'll raise five.\n\nGilbert: Ooo-kay.\n\nFrancis: Okay, I'll see the twenty and I'll raise twenty.\n\nAll: Ooo.\n\nJames: Huh-ha.\n\nHoward: Okay, I'll fold.\n\nJames: Huh-ha.\n\nGilbert: I'll fold.\n\nJames: Ha! Uh, I'm still folded.\n\n[Richard and Francis locked in stare; Francis looks down.]\n\nRichard: Yeah. I'll see your twenty and call.\n\nJames: Ha ha ha ha.\n\n[Francis throws down cards for all to see.]\n\nHoward: Ha ha! I knew it, high card ten.\n\n[All laugh.]\n\nGilbert: Unbelievable.\n\nJames: That's it?\n\nHoward: You're the worst bluffer in the history of poker--\n\nFrancis: Well, now that we all know that I'm a bad bluffer--\n\nHoward: My grandmother could tell that you were bluffing! --\n\nFrancis: Well, why don't we shut up then? Why don't we just shut up? Okay, everyone knows I can't bluff--\n\nRichard: Read 'em and weep.\n\nFrancis: [to himself] I wish I could weep.\n\nRichard: My deal? [shuffles] So, you in or out of this one? I want more of your money.\n\nFrancis: Just give me a minute.\n\nRichard: C'mon, you in or out?\n\nFrancis: Just give me a minute.\n\nRichard: Are you in or out?\n\nFrancis: Would you just give me a minute?!\n\nRichard: What's wrong with you? Having your period?\n\n[All laugh; Howard more audibly than the others.]\n\nFrancis: What if I was, huh?\n\nRichard: Do you want to step outside?\n\nFrancis: No, I just want to have a period, that's all. Just one a month; okay?\n\nJames: [quiet] C'mon guys.\n\nGilbert: Why?\n\nHoward: Might help a guy organize his time.\n\nFrancis: Yeah. Each month I feel my body become fertile and I'd say, \"No, I choose not to have a baby. Oh, rent's due.\"\n\nRichard: Well, that'd be uh. . .That'd be pretty ridiculous, you know, because I hear menopause is ugly.\n\nFrancis: [sarcastically] Oh?\n\nRichard: Yeah.\n\nGilbert: Really?\n\nRichard: Yes.\n\nGilbert: I heard it's great.\n\nRichard: What?\n\nGilbert: Yeah, I hear it's like taking ecstasy and a rocket ship ride all rolled into one.\n\nRichard: [quiet] That's not what I heard.\n\nHoward: [quiet] I heard you don't know what you're talking about.\n\nFrancis: [over rest] Well, we will never know, will we.\n\nHoward: Deal. . .\n\n[Richard deals.]\n\nJames: I, uh, ran into Arlene the other day.\n\nHoward: [unenthusiastically] Oh yeah, Arlene.\n\nRichard: Which one's Arlene again?\n\nGilbert: Yeah, you know, the one with the big tits.\n\nRichard: Oh, right. I wish my girlfriend had tits like that.\n\nFrancis: [quiet] Oh, come on.\n\nJames: I wish I had tits like that. . .breasts like that.\n\nGilbert: Um. Why?\n\nJames: I don't know, to give milk or what not. Nurture another living thing. I don't know, lots of reasons.\n\nFrancis: Yeah, I understand. I understand.\n\nRichard: Yeah, well I'll tell you this--you'd get in a lot of trouble if your foreman caught you breast-feeding on the loading dock.\n\nGilbert: Huh, huh, huh, huh.\n\nJames: Well, then I'd just have to get a job in a more enlightened warehouse.\n\nFrancis: Yeah. You don't need them.\n\nJames: No, I wouldn't.\n\nHoward: You know Arlene's having a baby.\n\nGilbert: Yeah?\n\nJames: Oh yeah; that's right. She says it's a boy. No ultrasound. She just knows.\n\nHoward: [quiet] Really? That's so cool.\n\nFrancis: Wow. That's amazing.\n\nGilbert: God, I'd like to have a baby.\n\nRichard: Heh! What would you want a baby for?\n\nGilbert: I'm bored.\n\nFrancis: Oh. . .c'mon.\n\nHoward: Good reason!\n\nFrancis: You would be such a rotten mother. You would be such a rotten, rotten mother.\n\nGilbert: I would not!\n\nFrancis: You would be a horrible mother! Do you want to know who would be a good mother?\n\nGilbert: [quiet] Yeah, who?\n\nJames: I would be a good mother.\n\nGilbert: [quiet] Bull.\n\nFrancis: Nooo. . .you would make a great wet nurse. Howard would make a great mother.\n\nGilbert: Howard?\n\nFrancis: Yeah, Howard.\n\nGilbert: Why Howard?\n\nFrancis: Well, think about it.\n\nHoward: I'm nurturing. I still have that rubber tree plant from college.\n\nJames: You're kidding! That thing was like [illustrates with fingers small size] like this big when you got it.\n\nFrancis: And how big is it now?\n\nHoward: 6'2\"!\n\nRest: Wow.\n\nJames: I just wouldn't have the patience.\n\nHoward: You need patience.\n\nRichard: I guess we all want to be women, huh?\n\nGilbert: Is that womyn with a \"Y\"?\n\nFrancis: Oh! Do you have to ask?\n\nJames: [quiet] Jeez.\n\nRichard: Oh, wait, wait! Oh, sorry. I forgot to call wild. Hold on. What do you want wild?\n\nJames: Uh.\n\nRichard: Put your cards down.\n\nJames: Twos.\n\nHoward: Oh. Threes, fives, sevens.\n\nFrancis: Eights and tens!\n\nGilbert: Um, face cards.\n\nRichard: Okay, everything's wild. I'll play you for the ante. What do ya got?\n\nHoward: [lays down cards] Five aces.\n\nJames: [lays down cards. Proud.] Five aces.\n\nGilbert: [lays down cards] Five aces.\n\nRichard: [lays down cards] Five aces.\n\nFrancis: I got nothin'. [throws cards down, face down to center of table.]\n\nGilbert: What do you mean?\n\nHoward: You can't have nothing.\n\nFrancis: I got nothin'.\n\nHoward: Everything's wild!\n\nFrancis: Well, I got nothing.\n\nRichard: [looking at Francis's hand.] No. He's right. He's got nothin'. [Shows cards to rest.]\n\nJames: What a hand!\n\nHoward: You are the worst poker player in the history of poker.\n\nEND", "writing_bbcode_parsed": "[Five men sitting around a table playing cards. Note: Because it is a conversation, there are some things said at the same time as others or some things more audible than others. I've tried to notate these things with "quiet".]

Howard: Okay, uh, I'll uh see your five. . .and raise ya five!

James: I ante, and I fold.

Gilbert: Okay. I'll see your ten and raise you five.

Richard: So, it's fifteen to me?

Gilbert: Yup.

Francis: Yeah.

Richard: Okay, I'll see the fifteen and I'll raise five.

Gilbert: Ooo-kay.

Francis: Okay, I'll see the twenty and I'll raise twenty.

All: Ooo.

James: Huh-ha.

Howard: Okay, I'll fold.

James: Huh-ha.

Gilbert: I'll fold.

James: Ha! Uh, I'm still folded.

[Richard and Francis locked in stare; Francis looks down.]

Richard: Yeah. I'll see your twenty and call.

James: Ha ha ha ha.

[Francis throws down cards for all to see.]

Howard: Ha ha! I knew it, high card ten.

[All laugh.]

Gilbert: Unbelievable.

James: That's it?

Howard: You're the worst bluffer in the history of poker--

Francis: Well, now that we all know that I'm a bad bluffer--

Howard: My grandmother could tell that you were bluffing! --

Francis: Well, why don't we shut up then? Why don't we just shut up? Okay, everyone knows I can't bluff--

Richard: Read 'em and weep.

Francis: [to himself] I wish I could weep.

Richard: My deal? [shuffles] So, you in or out of this one? I want more of your money.

Francis: Just give me a minute.

Richard: C'mon, you in or out?

Francis: Just give me a minute.

Richard: Are you in or out?

Francis: Would you just give me a minute?!

Richard: What's wrong with you? Having your period?

[All laugh; Howard more audibly than the others.]

Francis: What if I was, huh?

Richard: Do you want to step outside?

Francis: No, I just want to have a period, that's all. Just one a month; okay?

James: [quiet] C'mon guys.

Gilbert: Why?

Howard: Might help a guy organize his time.

Francis: Yeah. Each month I feel my body become fertile and I'd say, "No, I choose not to have a baby. Oh, rent's due."

Richard: Well, that'd be uh. . .That'd be pretty ridiculous, you know, because I hear menopause is ugly.

Francis: [sarcastically] Oh?

Richard: Yeah.

Gilbert: Really?

Richard: Yes.

Gilbert: I heard it's great.

Richard: What?

Gilbert: Yeah, I hear it's like taking ecstasy and a rocket ship ride all rolled into one.

Richard: [quiet] That's not what I heard.

Howard: [quiet] I heard you don't know what you're talking about.

Francis: [over rest] Well, we will never know, will we.

Howard: Deal. . .

[Richard deals.]

James: I, uh, ran into Arlene the other day.

Howard: [unenthusiastically] Oh yeah, Arlene.

Richard: Which one's Arlene again?

Gilbert: Yeah, you know, the one with the big tits.

Richard: Oh, right. I wish my girlfriend had tits like that.

Francis: [quiet] Oh, come on.

James: I wish I had tits like that. . .breasts like that.

Gilbert: Um. Why?

James: I don't know, to give milk or what not. Nurture another living thing. I don't know, lots of reasons.

Francis: Yeah, I understand. I understand.

Richard: Yeah, well I'll tell you this--you'd get in a lot of trouble if your foreman caught you breast-feeding on the loading dock.

Gilbert: Huh, huh, huh, huh.

James: Well, then I'd just have to get a job in a more enlightened warehouse.

Francis: Yeah. You don't need them.

James: No, I wouldn't.

Howard: You know Arlene's having a baby.

Gilbert: Yeah?

James: Oh yeah; that's right. She says it's a boy. No ultrasound. She just knows.

Howard: [quiet] Really? That's so cool.

Francis: Wow. That's amazing.

Gilbert: God, I'd like to have a baby.

Richard: Heh! What would you want a baby for?

Gilbert: I'm bored.

Francis: Oh. . .c'mon.

Howard: Good reason!

Francis: You would be such a rotten mother. You would be such a rotten, rotten mother.

Gilbert: I would not!

Francis: You would be a horrible mother! Do you want to know who would be a good mother?

Gilbert: [quiet] Yeah, who?

James: I would be a good mother.

Gilbert: [quiet] Bull.

Francis: Nooo. . .you would make a great wet nurse. Howard would make a great mother.

Gilbert: Howard?

Francis: Yeah, Howard.

Gilbert: Why Howard?

Francis: Well, think about it.

Howard: I'm nurturing. I still have that rubber tree plant from college.

James: You're kidding! That thing was like [illustrates with fingers small size] like this big when you got it.

Francis: And how big is it now?

Howard: 6'2"!

Rest: Wow.

James: I just wouldn't have the patience.

Howard: You need patience.

Richard: I guess we all want to be women, huh?

Gilbert: Is that womyn with a "Y"?

Francis: Oh! Do you have to ask?

James: [quiet] Jeez.

Richard: Oh, wait, wait! Oh, sorry. I forgot to call wild. Hold on. What do you want wild?

James: Uh.

Richard: Put your cards down.

James: Twos.

Howard: Oh. Threes, fives, sevens.

Francis: Eights and tens!

Gilbert: Um, face cards.

Richard: Okay, everything's wild. I'll play you for the ante. What do ya got?

Howard: [lays down cards] Five aces.

James: [lays down cards. Proud.] Five aces.

Gilbert: [lays down cards] Five aces.

Richard: [lays down cards] Five aces.

Francis: I got nothin'. [throws cards down, face down to center of table.]

Gilbert: What do you mean?

Howard: You can't have nothing.

Francis: I got nothin'.

Howard: Everything's wild!

Francis: Well, I got nothing.

Richard: [looking at Francis's hand.] No. He's right. He's got nothin'. [Shows cards to rest.]

James: What a hand!

Howard: You are the worst poker player in the history of poker.

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