"...So remember, folks! Always choose Droxie's munitions for the most reliable ammo around!"

The screen faded to black, signalling the end of yet another commercial. Finally, the all-too-familiar intro theme to the IWF blared from the TV speakers, accompanying the ten-second intro sequence that left couch surfers the world round cheering in excitement. When the logos finally parted, the scene was set with a moose and a panda behind a desk, both wearing suits in front of the greenscreened IWF logo. The moose was the first to speak.

"Hello and welcome once again to the International Wargames Federation televised broadcast! Proudly sponsored by BrishalCorp. We're coming to you from our headquarters on the outskirts of Neon City to bring you gunfights from around the globe! I'm Daniel Christofferson-"
The panda sitting beside him picked up the sentence without missing a beat.
"-And I'm Tana Harring, and tonight is the night that fans finally get to see the match-up they've been waiting five months for!"

The IWF logo behind them faded to black, replaced by a harsh diagonal stripe separating still images of the night's star contenders. On the left, Alpin MacDengar, an Irish Terrier with his shaggy black fur carefully groomed and trimmed, though it obscured his facial expression. On the right, Mariam Ahlam, a camel bearing her signature black camo beret, smirking confidently towards her canine opponent.

"That's right, Tana, the rivalry between Alpin MacDengar and Mariam Ahlam has been building up ever since the start of the season, with each soldier continually calling the other out over social media. Now the moment of truth is here; is Alpin's bite as bad as his bark, or will the desert queen defend her throne?"
"There's only one way to find out, Daniel! Come on, Johnny, let's introduce the audience to our stars!"

The familiar red logo of the IWF swept over the screen transitioning to a montage of Alpin's past victories, accompanied by a list of his accomplishments as narrated by the voice of Daniel.
"Alpin MacDengar, the Glasgow guerrilla. He specializes in stealth, close-quarters combat, and throwables. This season he's racked up a grand total of thirty eight kills, winning seventeen out of twenty matches."
As the announcer spoke, Alpin could be seen slipping behind enemy lines, taking out a trio of guards with his knife and signature silenced pistol, and clearing a room of hostiles with a well-placed frag grenade.

The screen swept to the side, now showcasing the accomplishments of Alpin's rival, Mariam Ahlam, narrated by Tana.
"Mariam Ahlam, the queen of the desert. She specializes in precision, long-range combat, and handguns. This season, she's managed forty three frags, and her squad won nineteen out of twenty matches."
The narration was accompanied with footage of Mariam sniping several oncoming targets from the window of a building, then executing a pair of soldiers with a snubnosed revolver as they tried to sneak up on her.

The IWF logo crossed over the screen for yet another transition, now providing an overview of the arena. Small one-story buildings formed a ring around courtyard, littered with rubble with a thin, bricked tower at the center. The first voice to speak over the music was Daniel's.
"Tonight, these two captains are teaming up with five squadmates each on the recently-finished "Tower" battleground. It looks like Mariam has the advantage here, what with the central tower giving her an excellent vantage point. What do you think, Tana?"
"Well, Daniel, I think that is a fair point, but there's not much space inside that tower." A cross-section of the tower revealed enough room to fit maybe two soldiers in front of the windows on each level. "If Mariam takes the tower, she's going to have to leave some of her squad behind, which leaves them vulnerable to a flank from Alpin's squad. But if she crams all her units inside, that's even worse, because it gives Alpin a chance to use his men for cover and rush to the center where he'll make short work of everyone inside. Combine that with his aim on grenades, and I think we've got an even match here."
"Very interesting analysis, Tana! Looks like we're not going to be able to tell this battle until it plays out for itself. But that begs the question: do our primary contestants feel the same way? Let's hear what they have to say about the upcoming match. Play the clip, Johnny!

That same IWF logo transition swept over the screen yet again, now presenting an interview of Alpin.
"Scared? Hah! Have ya seen me fighting earlier this season? A MacDengar isn't afraid of nobody!"
The interviewer's voice chimed in. "But Mariah's got a better win/loss ratio and more kills this season than you do."
"So what? She only won all those games b'cause she's never had to face off against the Glasgow guerilla! Soon as I get my opening, she's not gonna know what hit her!"
"Well, what if she doesn't give you an opening? It's kind of hard to approach a skilled sniper."
"Then I'll just make one! You don't get to be as successful as Alpin without bein' a tricky bastard, you know!"

The logo swept the screen again, transitioning to Mariah's interview.
"The scottie's got a hell of an ego on him, but if you ask me, he's earned it. I've been watching some of his past battles, and I must say, the man's a tactical genius. Even when he got killed, he was still a hair's breadth from winning."
"So, questioning your chances this time around are you?"
"Not in the slightest! He may be good, but I'm even better. They don't call me the queen of the desert for nothing, you know! Besides, I've got a trick up my sleeves I think he's not going to enjoy."
"Care to expand on that?"
"Why ruin the surprise? You'll see it when the battle proper happens."

Finally, the logo-sweep transition brought the scene back to the desk of Daniel and Tana, with the moose announcing the coming match.
"I'd say that settles it! Now comes the moment you've all been waiting for: The queen of the desert versus the Glasgow guerilla in an elimination match to the death! Whose squad will reign supreme and claim the title? Light the fuse, because it's time for some FIREWORKS!!!"

The catchphrase was accompanied by a transition featuring the IWF logo slamming hard onto the screen, lifted back off a second later to reveal a helicopter shot of the ring-shaped battlefield in the middle of the desert. The camera cut to a view inside of a room with only one exit: a heavy steel door, locked shut with a red light above it, containing Alpin and his squad, gearing up for a battle. The canine was discussing the plan with his squad.
"Alright, we all know how she's going ta play this. Helmuth, Abraham, you two rush the tower, see if you can catch her and her entourage. Everyone else is with me; we're going to flank around and take out anyone left in her side of the ring before moving to the center."
The picture cut again, now showing Mariam's squad in an identical room. "Okay, team, it's time to win this. Wallace, Harmen, Tiffany, Lyn, you four find someplace defensible on our quarter of the ring and  secure it. Take out as many enemies as you can. Keep me posted; I need to hear which window to watch. Alan, you're with me. Might need some cover fire making it up to the tower."

A buzzer began beeping out a countdown as the camera cut between the two teams in their waiting rooms. Finally, a higher-pitched buzz marked the start of the match. The red light above each door turned green, and the doors swung open. Immediately, two sextets of soldiers decked out in guns and body armor rushed from their starting locations, splitting up on their individual tasks. Within seconds, a light-armored iguana burst through a door leading into the central courtyard, Mariam following close behind with revolver in hand and her sniper rifle on her back. The moment he reached the base of the tower, he spotted two soldiers approaching from the other side, and opened fire. One dove for cover, the other took a bullet to the leg, soon eliminated by the hail of assault rifle shots. The iguana stopped firing, letting the steam vent from his rifle as he aimed carefully at his enemy's cover, but was surprised when a cheetah dove through the arched doorway into the tower proper, thunderous shotgun blast swiftly turning the iguana's head to a red mist. The cheetah pumped his shotgun, rushed out the tower's rear entrance to engage Mariah, and was swiftly stopped in his tracks. The moment he emerged, a shot from her revolver found its home in his skull, and he collapsed. Radioing her squad, Mariah began ascending the tower.
"Two enemies down here; expect four soldiers, including Alpin."

Alpin and his squad rounded a corner, their leader taking point. Unarmored, he crept silently through the halls, careful not to rattle his pair of grenades. The lights were growing dim as they neared the enemy squad's starting position. Then, he heard a voice up ahead.
"No sign of 'em this way."
He signalled his squad to stop and carefully peeked through the doorway. Amid the shadows was a lone antelope, scanning the area. Thinking quickly, Alpin unholstered a throwing knife and hurled it at the cervine. The weapon found its home in the antelope's throat, causing him to choke and gag desperately. Unable to call out, he reached for his radio, then his gun, with Alpin advancing on him all the while. Before he could aim his pistol, Alpin's knife found the back of his neck, severing the spinal cord and rendering him paralyzed as he was gently, silently lowered to the ground. Alpin signalled for his squad to follow, but as they entered the room the sound of heavy machinegun fire split the air. Bullets cracked through the brick walls and streaked into the room, thudding into the trio of soldiers as they approached. Alpin hit the floor, scrambling to the nearest exit as he unholstered his silenced pistol. Through the door and to the right, he found the source of the bullets; a pair of heavy gunners was unloading blindly into the wall, enveloped in a thick cloud of steam billowing from their guns. Without wasting a beat, he fired, four shots enough to silence their efforts.

A capuchin monkey stood patiently at her post, waiting for the team's plan to come into motion. As she heard her teammate's all clear over the comms, she nearly lowered her gun, only to raise it again as he started toning the mic. Recognizing the signal, she went left, away from the sound of machinegun fire to circle around to the other end of a branched hallway. She peeked around the corner just in time to see Alpin leap beyond the boundary and shoot her teammates. Without wasting a moment, she set her sights on the prone canine, firing off a shot from her rifle in an attempt to blindside him. He groaned heavily as the bullet hit him in the back, blood squirting from the fresh bullet wound. Before she could fire again, Alpin's last remaining squad member leapt into the hallway, levelling a sawn-off shotgun at her. Her second bullet caught him in the arm, but he still got his shot off, turning her chest into a crater as she fell backwards, dropping her steaming gun.

"Hrngh, fuck..." Alpin groaned as he clutched his fresh bullet wound, struggling to find his feet.
"O-okay, that's... There's four of them here, and Abraham got the fifth. That... That just leaves Mariah."
His teammate helped him up, offering an important question.
"If it's just the two of us, d'you think you'll even make it to the tower?"
"Nah, but I've got a plan that should work if I can get to some of the rubble for cover. Didja see if Dylan's marking paint got shot?"
"Uh, no, looks like the spray-paint is intact."
"Perfect. Come on, I've got a plan that should win this for us."

In the tower, Mariah sat with her sights trained on the door she had broken through to get into the courtyard. Judging by the last broadcast she'd recieved, that was going to be the route Alpin would take. Now it was only a matter of seeing if she could intercept what was left of his squad before they got to her. Then, she saw the edge of a canine head peeking out from the entrance. Immediately, she fired, the bullet striking true, but the head didn't splatter. It shattered. A mirror. She watched in horror as a pair of unharmed soldiers made a mad dash for cover, frantically chambering another bullet as they ran. She fired again, aiming to hit Alpin, but he had used his squadmate as an anthro shield. She watched as he stumbled over the corpse of his last soldier, chambering a third round as he neared a pile of stone rubble. Her third shot was just a bit too late, hitting only stone as Alpis dove behind the rocky pile.

Immediately, she chambered another bullet, keeping her sights trained on Alpin's hiding place as rising steam cascaded upwards off the window frame. 'Okay,' she thought to herself, 'he made it to cover, but he's still got to cross the distance from there to the tower. There's no way he's going to make it that far without me shooting him. I just hope he doesn't have a trick up his sleeve...' As soon as she finished that thought, an orange speck flew up from behind his cover. She felt a chill run down her spine as she recognized the color. The bright orange of a high-explosive grenade, which would surely bring down the tower with her inside. Quickly, she took aim and fired at the explosive, hoping to detonate it before it could cause her any harm. However, the grenade didn't burst into a huge explosion. Instead, a cloud of dense smoke filled the air, obscuring her view of the barricade. 'Cocky bastard... Must've spray-painted a smoke grenade orange to trick me.' Chambering a new bullet, she shifted her aim to the bottom of the cloud, where she had a bird's eye view of the last stretch before entering the tower. With luck, she'd be able to catch him as soon as he was visible.

Then she saw another orange canister fly through the air. Time seemed to stand still as she watched it emerge from the cloud. In the split second, she recognized an important detail: the gray "HE" marked on the side. Frantically, she adjusted her aim and shot, but the bullet hit only sand as she helplessly watched the low-flying grenade perfectly slot itself into one of the lower windows of the tower. Thinking quickly, she discarded her sniper rifle, letting it fall out of the window as she unholstered her handgun. She climbed up onto the windowsill and took a flying leap from the tower, hearing the grenade go off barely a moment after she took the jump. Behind her, the tower began to collapse as she aimed down the iron sight, hoping to catch a glimpse of him before she hit the ground. Sure enough, there he was, leaping over the rubble to engage her. She fired off one shot, catching his shoulder and interrupting his attempt to grab his gun. She fired again, narrowly missing his head. She readied herself for the third shot, beginning to pull the trigger, aiming straight at his forehead... Then her chest slammed hard against the ground, throwing her aim off and making her drop her gun as the shot went wide. By the time she could catch her breath, she was staring down the barrel of Alpin's gun. She heard it go off, saw the muzzle flash, and then everything went dark.

Alpin breathed heavily, clutching his newest bullet wound as he looked down at the corpse before him. Slowly, the camera zoomed out, giving an overview of the final scene before the IWF logo slammed down on the image again, transitioning back to the studio where Daniel the moose and Tana the panda were waiting to give their commentary in front of a green-screened playback of the match's highlights.
"Unbelievable! We saw some incredibly clever plays on both sides of the battlefield, Tana!"
"You said it, Daniel! Mariah's team made a good move predicting which way Alpin's unit was going to try and flank them, and toning the mic as a signal meant they could attack completely by surprise!"
"Mmm-hmm, the rest of the team may have had to cut back on equipment value, but those armor-piercing rounds were very much worth it! That ambush nearly won the game right there."
"But let's take a moment to talk about Alpin's play with the orange smoke grenade. Tricking Mariah and throwing off her aim long enough to get that HE grenade into the tower was a stroke of brilliance, and this unconventional strategy is EXACTLY why marking paint is in the list of available equipment."
"Well said, Tana. It was a close match, but the Glasgow guerilla managed to pull a victory out of this battle in the end. Let's hear what our contestants have to say about the match!"

For once, the viewers were spared the sweeping logo as a simple screenwipe brought them to a montage of interview clips from both teams. Alpin was the first to speak.
"Hah! I have to tell you, I was a bit worried there in the end! It's a wonder I only managed to get shot twice in that match. And that ambush? Pure genius! They really don't call her the queen of the desert for nothing!"
The screen flickered to show a freshly-respawned Mariah, who couldn't stop laughing.
"Aaah, ahahaha! I still can't get over it! He painted a smoke grenade ORANGE, to fool me into blinding myself, and then he threw a real high explosive! Haaah! Ooohhh, I swear, this man never ceases to amaze me!"

Next on the list of interviewees was the iguana who lead Mariah's rush to the tower.
"Honestly, I'm just glad I managed to get one kill this game. Even if I ate buckshot right out the gate, that was one less soldier the ambush unit had to deal with."
The screen flickered again, to a calico domestic cat who served as Alpin's shield.
"I know 'anthro shield' isn't exactly the kind of medal one wants to wear normally, but hey, I know how these battles work. The only way we were going to win was if Alpin made it to cover, and the only way that was going to happen was if I ate the bullet for him."
Next up was the capuchin who shot Alpin in the back.
"Y'know, originally the plan was for me to jump into the same room as the guys with machineguns, but the moment we saw how the hallway was laid out, we switched it to me going from behind. Which works for me, honestly because I wouldn't have hit a THING with all the steam filling the room. Honestly, that's like the one big downside of these hydroxy-propelled bullets, is all the steam they let out, but if that's the price we pay for a sustainable wargame? Hell, let me grab my checkbook, I'll pay that price!"

Finally, the screen flickered between two interviews, one of Alpin and one of Mariah, which ran surprisingly parallel to each other.
"Honestly, I'm not even mad I got shot in the back-"
"Not even mad I didn't get the killshot."
"It was anyone's game!"
"-anyone's game when you're playing with such a tricky opponent."
"She almost had me with that ambush. I've got nothing but respect-"
"-nothing but respect for a tactician like that,"
The scene cut to a clip from each interview, layered over each other as both Alpin and Mariah coincidentally said the exact same line.
"And I'm glad I got to end the season on a match like that!"

Finally, the scene returned to the studio, where the moose announcer was ready to give his outro speech.
"Well, there you have it folks! A close bout, anyone's game with myriad strokes of luck on both sides, only barely won by Alpin MacDengar! Thank you all for watching! Tune in next time for more pulse-pounding gunfights here at the International Wargames Federation! Sponsored by BrishalCorp."