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No money being made.\nWord Count: 3,743 multi-chapter 2k3\nSummary: Something has changed in Raphael's treatment of Leonardo. It's obvious enough to arouse Michelangelo's curiosity. The discovery of that secret forever alters the Turtles' lives.\nRating: R\n~~The amazing image was created by the extremely talented @RenegadeBleat. Go see their gallery to view the full-sized piece.", "description_bbcode_parsed": "Disclaimer: The TMNT are not mine. No money being made.
Word Count: 3,743 multi-chapter 2k3
Summary: Something has changed in Raphael's treatment of Leonardo. It's obvious enough to arouse Michelangelo's curiosity. The discovery of that secret forever alters the Turtles' lives.
Rating: R
~~The amazing image was created by the extremely talented @RenegadeBleat. Go see their gallery to view the full-sized piece.", "writing": "\t``It's all out in the open now,'' Mikey said. ``Isn't that supposed to be a good thing?''\n\n\tHe and Donatello were in the service bay. Raphael had been gone for a few hours and no one had a clue as to where he was. Though Don had tried to locate him through his shell cell's tracking system, his whereabouts were still a mystery. Raph's shell cell had been dropped in the tunnels not far from their home.\n\n\tDon shrugged. ``You would think so. In our family, who knows?''\n\n\tMikey fiddled with some mechanical bits lying on Don's worktable while his brother toyed with one of his mechanical lizards. ``I mean, how hard is it to say you're in love with your brother if you are? Couldn't Leo have at least given Raph that much?''\n\n\t``You're the one who's been talking to Leo the most. Why do you think he couldn't or wouldn't say it?'' Don asked.\n\n\t``I think he's afraid,'' Mikey said, dropping the things he'd been playing with and spinning around on his stool so he could look directly at his brother.\n\n\t``You might be right,'' Don said, meeting his eyes. ``I wouldn't have thought that of Leo, but he's holding himself back and there has to be a reason. At first I was sure that he was concerned that he'd disappoint Master Splinter. Maybe he still is.''\n\n\t``That's part of it,'' Mikey said, trying hard to hold onto his own train of thought. Ideas tended to come at him fast and latching onto one in order to ride it out took focus. ``A lot of it is the whole losing control thing. It's why Sensei sent him to train with the Ancient One. Leo bottles stuff up and even meditation can't resolve everything.''\n\n\t``He puts a lot of effort into being stoic,'' Don said. ``A lot of energy.''\n\n\t``It's `cause he's like Raph in one major way,'' Mikey said. ``Leo's got really strong emotions, he just doesn't let them out unless they overwhelm him. Admitting how he feels means taking down one of the barriers he's built to contain them.''\n\n\t``So it might be that he's scared that once it comes down, all of his control will slip?'' Don asked. ``If he can't do that, if he can't say what Raph means to him or even say he's sorry, those two will never be together.''\n\n\tMikey shrugged. ``That's the problem in a nutshell. Right now, Raph needs an apology and a really good one. I heard somebody on a TV show once say that apologizing is a major threat to identity and self-esteem if you're somebody who struggles to manage strong emotions. At first I thought that fit Raph perfectly, but now I think it suits Leo better.''\n\n\t``Have you been watching Dr. Phil with Master Splinter?'' Don asked with a smile.\n\n\t``Don't knock it `til you've tried it,'' Mikey said, lightly punching his brother's arm.\n\n\tDon returned to his task, but the grin remained on his face. ``And here I thought you were just sucking up.''\n\n\t``Actually, it's my go to method for avoiding having to meditate,'' Mikey said with a chuckle. ``Master Splinter and I bond over teen heartache and chemical dependency.''\n\n\t``You're terrible,'' Don said, waving a screwdriver at his brother. A thought struck him and he sobered quickly. ``How long do you think Raph will be gone? You don't think he could be . . . .''\n\n\t``Getting into trouble?'' Mikey asked, finishing the question for him. ``The one thing he knows he's not supposed to do is hunt down Hun and the Purple Dragons. If he's really mad at Leo, he might do that and damn the consequences.''\n\n\t``If that's not a cry for attention . . . .'' Don began.\n\n\t``A cry for [i]Leo's[/i] attention,'' Mikey emphasized.\n\n\t``. . . then I don't know what is.'' Don concluded.\n\n\tLeonardo's appearance at the top of the stairs prevented them from discussing it further. He said nothing until he had walked over to them.\n\n\tFrom his expression, Mikey expected that Leo had some questions of them. After Raph had run off and Master Splinter had reproved his eldest son, Leo had gone to the dojo. That he was relieving some of his aggression and anxiety through sword work was a given. At some point Mikey knew that Leo would demand an explanation from the pair of brothers who had dropped a bombshell on their family.\n\n\tThat wasn't what Leo was after. ``We need to locate Raphael,'' he said. ``If he's being reckless, there might be something on the police scanner or even sightings that have been posted to the internet.''\n\n\tFor just a second the worry on his face was replaced by a flash of real pain. Don slowly lowered his tools, glancing at Mikey before clearing his throat.\n\n\t``Actually, I have another way,'' Don said. ``I was saving the big reveal for when I'd completed the entire project, but this sort of constitutes an emergency.''\n\n\tMikey swallowed hard. [i]``In for a penny, in for a pound,''[/i] he thought to himself. He and Don might as well admit to everything since they'd already fessed up to being in love with each other.\n\n\tStriding over to the table which held his robotic lizards, Donatello lifted off the tarp that was covering them.\n\n\tLeo's reaction was much like Mikey's had been. ``Lizards? Why are you building mechanical lizards?''\n\n\t``For security purposes,'' Don explained. ``They can go practically anywhere without being noticed and even if they were, they wouldn't cause alarm. People are used to seeing them. They can patrol the tunnels and alert us if anyone comes near the lair.''\n\n\tMikey decided to pick up the explanation. ``They're really cool, Leo. Donny built all sorts of sensors into them and programmed them to act like real lizards. With the controllers you can see and hear everything that happens near the lizard. You can even record stuff.''\n\n\tHe was watching Leo's face carefully and saw his brother's eyes narrow. ``Have you tested them?'' he asked.\n\n\tNodding, Don said. ``They've been field tested. At least the few that I've completed.'' The color in Don's cheeks rose. ``I've even tried them out here in the lair and no one has seen them.''\n\n\tLeo was staring hard at him. There was no way that Mikey was going to let Don take all the heat.\n\n\t``I helped,'' Mikey said. ``Actually, I sort of started it by sneaking one of the finished lizards off the table and giving it a trial run.''\n\n\t``To see if it worked or to satisfy your curiosity?'' Leo asked, his sharp gaze now on Mikey.\n\n\t``Both?'' Mikey tried to appear ingenuous, but clearly Leo was not buying it.\n\n\t``Where exactly did you give it a trial run?'' Leo asked, but before Mikey could answer, his brother held up a hand. ``No, never mind. Let's table that until we locate Raph. I have a feeling this needs to be explained to him as well. How do these lizards provide that other way of tracking Raph that you alluded to, Donny?''\n\n\tDon cleared his throat, a good indication of the embarrassment and guilt he was feeling. ``Because they are programmed to protect the lair, any movement near us will attract one of them. I already have three of the lizards in the tunnels. They can follow a shell cell signal, but can also follow anyone they've alerted to. I haven't told them not to track us, so one of them might have gone after Raph when he left here.''\n\n\t``You didn't tell me about that,'' Mikey said.\n\n\t``Honestly, I didn't think of it until now,'' Don said. ``Raph was moving so fast that I doubt one of the lizards could have followed him far.''\n\n\t``Even a general direction would help,'' Leo said. ``Check on that now.''\n\n\tDon went over to his desk and opened his laptop. While he was typing in a series of commands, Mikey remained near Leo. The older turtle was watching Don, but when Mikey started to walk away, Leo spoke.\n\n\t``Did that trial run mean you sent one of the lizards into a bedroom?'' Leo asked.\n\n\tMikey froze mid-step and glanced at his brother. Leo was not looking at him, but Mikey could tell that's where his focus was.\n\n\t``How mad will you be if I say yes?'' Mikey asked.\n\n\tHe could see Leo's jaw working and guessed that his brother was holding back some sort of emotion. ``I've been aware that you've been watching us,'' Leo said finally. ``We all know how curious you are.''\n\n\t``Well I'm sorry,'' Mikey said, lifting his hands in frustration and then dropping them at his sides. ``What am I supposed to do when I see two of my bros acting all weird with each other? Did you think that breaking a lifetime of patterns in how you and Raph interact wouldn't draw some attention? Mine especially? You know I don't like mysteries.''\n\n\t``There are boundaries, Michelangelo,'' Leo said, still refusing to look at him. ``An expectation of privacy within our home. We have to trust each other not to invade that privacy.''\n\n\t``I always meant to tell you,'' Mikey said. ``Sure, a lot of what I did was `cause I was being nosy. I hate not knowing what's going on around me. But mostly I just wanted you and Raph to be happy, especially when I realized that you guys wanted what Donny and I had. You do want that, don't you?''\n\n\tInstead of answering, Leo started to move, walking over to stand behind Don. Mikey grimaced at his shell. What did Leo expect to do when he tracked Raph down if he still couldn't answer that question?\n\n\tMikey was also a little surprised that he still had his head. Many scenarios had played through his mind about the reaction from Leo and Raph when they found out about the lizards, especially about what Mikey had used them for.\n\nHe'd certainly expected at least an angry lecture from Leo. Mikey had just gotten a scaled down version of a lecture, but Leo hadn't sounded angry. In a way, that was scarier than having Leo blow up at him.\n\n\t``Two of the lizards were tracking Raphael,'' Don said. Despite the situation, he seemed pleased. ``One of them picked him up as he was leaving the lair and kept up with him pretty well for a little ways. Another lizard was farther ahead in the tunnels and happened to be along the route Raph was taking. The first signaled to the second, who picked up the chase.''\n\n\t``Did you program them to do that?'' Mikey asked.\n\n\t``I programmed them to work together when they're in auto mode,'' Don said. ``This was the first practical application and . . . .''\n\n\t``Where did Raph go?'' Leo asked, interrupting him.\n\n\tHis words were clipped and impatient sounding. That he was worried about Raph had been obvious as soon as he'd arrived, but it still irked Mikey that he was being so biting with Don.\n\n\tSeeing the excitement die from Don's body language was doubly upsetting. It certainly wasn't his fault that Leo couldn't say what Raph needed to hear to keep him from running off.\n\n\tMikey moved over to Don's side and set a hand on his shoulder. Don gave him a quick, grateful glance and went back to looking at his screen. Leo was practically scowling at Mikey's hand, but at that point the younger turtle didn't give a damn.\n\n\t``Raph took to the South tunnels,'' Don said, pointing at a map that he'd pulled up on his screen. His finger traced a tunnel to the place where a red dot containing the number two sat stationary at a spot on the map. ``That's where he went above ground.''\n\n\t``Isn't that the exit we used to take to get to Casey's old apartment?'' Mikey asked.\n\n\tDon looked back over his shoulder at Leo. ``Do you think he was going to see Casey and forgot that he'd moved?'' \n\n\t``He wouldn't have forgotten,'' Leo said. ``Let's go. I know exactly where Raph is.''\n\n\tNeither of his brothers asked him where Raph was or how Leo knew where to find him. In fact, both Mikey and Don kept their mouths shut as they followed Leo through the sewers to the place where Raph had exited the tunnels.\n\n\tQuickly scaling a fire escape, the trio used the rooftop highway to travel the two blocks that would take them to Casey's previous apartment. They didn't see Raphael anywhere, but Leo didn't hesitate to jump from the roof to the window sill of their friend's old bedroom. Silently sliding the window open, he climbed through and waited for his brothers to join him.\n\n\tLeo went first into the living room. He stopped when he was halfway across the room, his focus on its occupant. Mikey and Don stayed to one side of Leo, but their attention was on Raph.\n\n\tThe red banded turtle was seated on the window sill, looking out over the neighborhood. Casey's apartment had always been sparsely furnished, but empty of his belongings it lacked the warmth that their friend's personality brought to the space.\n\n\t``Wondered how long it'd take ya' to figure out where I'd gone,'' Raph said. His voice was low, containing a touch of melancholy. ``I always liked this place. The view is craptastic and ya' can smell fourteen different kinds of foods at once mixed with exhaust fumes from the street. There's honking horns, loud music, people laughing and arguing into all hours of the night so ya' can't hardly sleep. But it's real.''\n\n\t``We are just as real, Raph,'' Leo told him.\n\n\tRaph's single laugh contained no mirth. ``No we ain't. We're what ya' call one dimensional. All we try to do is survive. Play it safe, don't attract attention, don't let the outside world know we exist. We barely exist.''\n\n\tLeo took a step towards him. ``We do more than just exist. We might not get the recognition for what we've accomplished, but we have saved the world more than once. That counts for something. That means something.''\n\n\t``It means we're good little soldiers,'' Raph said. ``If there's a war to fight, we jump right in there without hesitating. We survive the battles and go on to the next one until the fight is over. Someday we ain't gonna come out on top. Someday one of those battles is gonna be our last. End of story. In between times, we ain't living at all.''\n\n\t``Don't say that,'' Leo hissed. ``We can make of our lives what we want them to be, what we need them to be.''\n\n\t``Words,'' Raph said. ``Ya' got plenty of them when it's just us and you're trying to manipulate me into doing what ya' want. Whatever ya' need your life to be, it don't seem to match what I need. So how about this. We'll just quit--'' He waved his hand between them. ``--- whatever this is. I'll keep following orders like a good little soldier. Splinter will be happy and nobody has to worry about me doing something that's gonna get one of us killed.''\n\n\t``That solves nothing,'' Leo said. ``You suggest that we go back to the status quo but we're too far past that. I want us to work, Raph. I know you think I don't understand the emptiness you're feeling, but I do. The only time I feel really alive is when I'm with you.''\n\n\tThere was an anxious tone to Leo's voice that Mikey hadn't heard before. Raph saying that they quit being together seemed to have struck a nerve.\n\n\t``Ya' don't mean anything ya' say to me,'' Raph retorted. ``Ya' say it in private `cause ya' know it's what I want to hear.''\n\n\t``I'm saying it now in front of Don and Mikey,'' Leo said.\n\n\t``Saying what, Leo?'' Raph asked. ``What words are coming out of your mouth that should mean something to me?''\n\n\tMikey was watching Leo's face and saw his lips press tightly together. That some sort of internal struggle was going on was evidenced by the way his fingers dug into his palms.\n\n\tRaph was staring at Leo, his golden eyes piercing straight into his brother. Despite the obvious turmoil he was feeling, Leo didn't waver from returning that gaze.\n\n\t``I love you,'' Leo said, the words clipped.\n\n\tShaking his head, Raph told him, ``That sounded like ya' were reading it from a postcard.''\n\n\tSeeing how hard this was for Leo made Mikey decide that he wasn't going to merely be a spectator any longer. ``From your heart, Leo,'' he urged, his voice low. ``It's there in you. It's what you feel when you're alone and can let your guard down. You have to be able to lower it for Raph if you truly feel something for him.''\n\n\tLeo's eyes flicked towards him and then back to Raph. The hope was there on Raph's face for all to see, but it was also obvious that he was bracing himself for the worst.\n\n\tMoving closer to Raph, Leo exhaled breathily and said, ``I love you, Raphael. I love you more than mere words can convey.''\n\n\tRaph straightened and stood up. ``Ya' know ya' excite me, right? Ya' get under my skin in ways no one else ever will. Ya' gotta let go of whatever keeps holding ya' back, Leo. For this to work, ya' gotta . . . .''\n\n\tHe paused, clearly unsure of how to word what it was he was trying to convey.\n\n\t``Redefine your function,'' Donatello supplied.\n\n\tRaph shot him a grateful glance. ``Yeah. Redefine what it means to be our leader. `Cause we really ain't soldiers, we're brothers. We're more than brothers. Ya' don't have to do it alone either, all of us need to redefine our functions. Ya' keep doing what ya' do best; plan, strategize, bark out orders. We'll do what we do best; I'll mow down the enemies, Don will outthink them, and Mike . . . what is it ya' do?''\n\n\t``Ha, ha,'' Mikey said, seeing the glint of humor in Raph's eyes.\n\n\t``You make it sound so simple,'' Leo said. The lighthearted mood hadn't reached him, Leo's mind was focused on the bigger picture.\n\n\t``It ain't gonna be simple,'' Raph said. ``Just like it ain't gonna be simple to talk to Master Splinter and tell him what ya' couldn't tell him earlier. Unless you're shining me on again.''\n\n\t``I was never `shining you on' as you put it,'' Leo said, his manner resolute. He was quiet for a moment, almost as if he was doing some soul-searching, before he spoke again. ``We've spent years living with the feelings we have for each other and the last few months dancing around them. We've substituted aggravation for desire and anger for lust. Neither of us have wanted to admit that we could feel such hunger for a brother, much less for each other.''\n\n\t``My pride and your sense of honor,'' Raph said. ``That's basically what you're saying, ain't it?''\n\n\t``My sense of [i]duty[/i],'' Leo stressed, and then added quickly, ``It's not an excuse, just an explanation. Leaving you hanging like I did with Master Splinter, that wasn't honorable either. I was . . . .''\n\n\tMikey jumped in when he hesitated. ``Torn.''\n\n\tLeo nodded once in acknowledgement. ``Torn is a good way to describe it. When I'm alone with you, it feels like nothing else exists but the two of us. You push, I pull, we connect.''\n\n\t``Then why don't we connect that way when it ain't just the two of us?'' Raph asked. He jerked a thumb in Mikey and Don's direction. ``If those two can do it, why can't we?''\n\n\t``Because one of us has been placed in a position of leadership and the other resents it,'' Leo said, his words slightly brusque.\n\n\t``You're damn straight I resent it,'' Raph said heatedly. ``Not for the reasons ya' think either. Sure, one of them is that I don't really like being told what to do, but I accept that somebody has to call the shots. What I resent is the wall it puts between us `cause that somebody is you. And no, before ya' say it, I never wanted the job. I know damn well I'd suck at it.''\n\n\t``It doesn't matter which of us is leading our team, don't you see? It's the fact that we are a team of four and the leader has to make the hard decisions,'' Leo said. ``As a brother I've had to learn to partition the feelings I have for all three of you in order to take us into battle. I know that I'm my own worst enemy, but that knowledge doesn't make it any easier to accept the fact that someday I might have to put one of you in harm's way.''\n\n\t``I think what Leo's saying is that he's built walls around his emotions so that they don't get in the way when he can least afford their interference,'' Don said. ``Mikey had an idea that's partly why you're having a hard time verbalizing how you feel, Leo. We can all help to keep your emotions from overwhelming you, if you'll allow us to.''\n\n\tMikey looked at Leo, his expression and tone vehement. ``It's okay to lose control, bro'. It's all about picking the time and place. Bet you anything that Raph likes it when you go all dark side on him. If he didn't like being bitten or losing the use of his arms `cause of your mastery with pressure points, he'd . . . .''\n\n\tDon nudged him, hard. Mikey's eyes went wide as he realized that his tongue had run away from his brain.\n\n\tLeo was staring at him, but he wasn't the one who Mikey was afraid of at the moment. The older turtle had already guessed what Mikey had been up to long before learning about the spy lizards.\n\n\tVery slowly, Mikey turned his head to look at Raph.\n\n\tIf they had been in a cartoon, Mikey would have seen the smoke coming from Raph's ears. As it was, he could easily imagine it was there based on Raph's expression and his entire demeanor.\n\n\tFrom between gritted teeth, Raph growled, ``You've got five seconds to tell me what you've done and then I'm gonna turn ya' into turtle paste.''\n\nTBC.......\n\n", "writing_bbcode_parsed": "\t``It's all out in the open now,'' Mikey said.  ``Isn't that supposed to be a good thing?''

\tHe and Donatello were in the service bay.  Raphael had been gone for a few hours and no one had a clue as to where he was.  Though Don had tried to locate him through his shell cell's tracking system, his whereabouts were still a mystery.  Raph's shell cell had been dropped in the tunnels not far from their home.

\tDon shrugged.  ``You would think so.  In our family, who knows?''

\tMikey fiddled with some mechanical bits lying on Don's worktable while his brother toyed with one of his mechanical lizards.  ``I mean, how hard is it to say you're in love with your brother if you are?  Couldn't Leo have at least given Raph that much?''

\t``You're the one who's been talking to Leo the most.  Why do you think he couldn't or wouldn't say it?'' Don asked.

\t``I think he's afraid,'' Mikey said, dropping the things he'd been playing with and spinning around on his stool so he could look directly at his brother.

\t``You might be right,'' Don said, meeting his eyes.  ``I wouldn't have thought that of Leo, but he's holding himself back and there has to be a reason.  At first I was sure that he was concerned that he'd disappoint Master Splinter.  Maybe he still is.''

\t``That's part of it,'' Mikey said, trying hard to hold onto his own train of thought.  Ideas tended to come at him fast and latching onto one in order to ride it out took focus.  ``A lot of it is the whole losing control thing.  It's why Sensei sent him to train with the Ancient One.  Leo bottles stuff up and even meditation can't resolve everything.''

\t``He puts a lot of effort into being stoic,'' Don said.  ``A lot of energy.''

\t``It's `cause he's like Raph in one major way,'' Mikey said.  ``Leo's got really strong emotions, he just doesn't let them out unless they overwhelm him.  Admitting how he feels means taking down one of the barriers he's built to contain them.''

\t``So it might be that he's scared that once it comes down, all of his control will slip?'' Don asked.  ``If he can't do that, if he can't say what Raph means to him or even say he's sorry, those two will never be together.''

\tMikey shrugged.  ``That's the problem in a nutshell.  Right now, Raph needs an apology and a really good one.  I heard somebody on a TV show once say that apologizing is a major threat to identity and self-esteem if you're somebody who struggles to manage strong emotions.  At first I thought that fit Raph perfectly, but now I think it suits Leo better.''

\t``Have you been watching Dr. Phil with Master Splinter?'' Don asked with a smile.

\t``Don't knock it `til you've tried it,'' Mikey said, lightly punching his brother's arm.

\tDon returned to his task, but the grin remained on his face.  ``And here I thought you were just sucking up.''

\t``Actually, it's my go to method for avoiding having to meditate,'' Mikey said with a chuckle.  ``Master Splinter and I bond over teen heartache and chemical dependency.''

\t``You're terrible,'' Don said, waving a screwdriver at his brother.  A thought struck him and he sobered quickly.  ``How long do you think Raph will be gone?  You don't think he could be . . . .''

\t``Getting into trouble?'' Mikey asked, finishing the question for him.  ``The one thing he knows he's not supposed to do is hunt down Hun and the Purple Dragons.  If he's really mad at Leo, he might do that and damn the consequences.''

\t``If that's not a cry for attention . . . .'' Don began.

\t``A cry for Leo's attention,'' Mikey emphasized.

\t``. . . then I don't know what is.'' Don concluded.

\tLeonardo's appearance at the top of the stairs prevented them from discussing it further.  He said nothing until he had walked over to them.

\tFrom his expression, Mikey expected that Leo had some questions of them.  After Raph had run off and Master Splinter had reproved his eldest son, Leo had gone to the dojo.  That he was relieving some of his aggression and anxiety through sword work was a given.  At some point Mikey knew that Leo would demand an explanation from the pair of brothers who had dropped a bombshell on their family.

\tThat wasn't what Leo was after.  ``We need to locate Raphael,'' he said.  ``If he's being reckless, there might be something on the police scanner or even sightings that have been posted to the internet.''

\tFor just a second the worry on his face was replaced by a flash of real pain.  Don slowly lowered his tools, glancing at Mikey before clearing his throat.

\t``Actually, I have another way,'' Don said.  ``I was saving the big reveal for when I'd completed the entire project, but this sort of constitutes an emergency.''

\tMikey swallowed hard.  ``In for a penny, in for a pound,'' he thought to himself.  He and Don might as well admit to everything since they'd already fessed up to being in love with each other.

\tStriding over to the table which held his robotic lizards, Donatello lifted off the tarp that was covering them.

\tLeo's reaction was much like Mikey's had been.  ``Lizards?  Why are you building mechanical lizards?''

\t``For security purposes,'' Don explained.  ``They can go practically anywhere without being noticed and even if they were, they wouldn't cause alarm.  People are used to seeing them.  They can patrol the tunnels and alert us if anyone comes near the lair.''

\tMikey decided to pick up the explanation.  ``They're really cool, Leo.  Donny built all sorts of sensors into them and programmed them to act like real lizards.  With the controllers you can see and hear everything that happens near the lizard.  You can even record stuff.''

\tHe was watching Leo's face carefully and saw his brother's eyes narrow.  ``Have you tested them?'' he asked.

\tNodding, Don said.  ``They've been field tested.  At least the few that I've completed.''  The color in Don's cheeks rose.  ``I've even tried them out here in the lair and no one has seen them.''

\tLeo was staring hard at him.  There was no way that Mikey was going to let Don take all the heat.

\t``I helped,'' Mikey said.  ``Actually, I sort of started it by sneaking one of the finished lizards off the table and giving it a trial run.''

\t``To see if it worked or to satisfy your curiosity?'' Leo asked, his sharp gaze now on Mikey.

\t``Both?''  Mikey tried to appear ingenuous, but clearly Leo was not buying it.

\t``Where exactly did you give it a trial run?'' Leo asked, but before Mikey could answer, his brother held up a hand.  ``No, never mind.  Let's table that until we locate Raph.  I have a feeling this needs to be explained to him as well.  How do these lizards provide that other way of tracking Raph that you alluded to, Donny?''

\tDon cleared his throat, a good indication of the embarrassment and guilt he was feeling.  ``Because they are programmed to protect the lair, any movement near us will attract one of them.  I already have three of the lizards in the tunnels.  They can follow a shell cell signal, but can also follow anyone they've alerted to.  I haven't told them not to track us, so one of them might have gone after Raph when he left here.''

\t``You didn't tell me about that,'' Mikey said.

\t``Honestly, I didn't think of it until now,'' Don said.  ``Raph was moving so fast that I doubt one of the lizards could have followed him far.''

\t``Even a general direction would help,'' Leo said.  ``Check on that now.''

\tDon went over to his desk and opened his laptop.  While he was typing in a series of commands, Mikey remained near Leo.  The older turtle was watching Don, but when Mikey started to walk away, Leo spoke.

\t``Did that trial run mean you sent one of the lizards into a bedroom?'' Leo asked.

\tMikey froze mid-step and glanced at his brother.  Leo was not looking at him, but Mikey could tell that's where his focus was.

\t``How mad will you be if I say yes?'' Mikey asked.

\tHe could see Leo's jaw working and guessed that his brother was holding back some sort of emotion.  ``I've been aware that you've been watching us,'' Leo said finally.  ``We all know how curious you are.''

\t``Well I'm sorry,'' Mikey said, lifting his hands in frustration and then dropping them at his sides.  ``What am I supposed to do when I see two of my bros acting all weird with each other?  Did you think that breaking a lifetime of patterns in how you and Raph interact wouldn't draw some attention?  Mine especially?  You know I don't like mysteries.''

\t``There are boundaries, Michelangelo,'' Leo said, still refusing to look at him.  ``An expectation of privacy within our home.  We have to trust each other not to invade that privacy.''

\t``I always meant to tell you,'' Mikey said.  ``Sure, a lot of what I did was `cause I was being nosy.  I hate not knowing what's going on around me.  But mostly I just wanted you and Raph to be happy, especially when I realized that you guys wanted what Donny and I had.  You do want that, don't you?''

\tInstead of answering, Leo started to move, walking over to stand behind Don.  Mikey grimaced at his shell.  What did Leo expect to do when he tracked Raph down if he still couldn't answer that question?

\tMikey was also a little surprised that he still had his head.  Many scenarios had played through his mind about the reaction from Leo and Raph when they found out about the lizards, especially about what Mikey had used them for.

He'd certainly expected at least an angry lecture from Leo.  Mikey had just gotten a scaled down version of a lecture, but Leo hadn't sounded angry.  In a way, that was scarier than having Leo blow up at him.

\t``Two of the lizards were tracking Raphael,'' Don said.  Despite the situation, he seemed pleased.  ``One of them picked him up as he was leaving the lair and kept up with him pretty well for a little ways.  Another lizard was farther ahead in the tunnels and happened to be along the route Raph was taking.  The first signaled to the second, who picked up the chase.''

\t``Did you program them to do that?'' Mikey asked.

\t``I programmed them to work together when they're in auto mode,'' Don said.  ``This was the first practical application and . . . .''

\t``Where did Raph go?'' Leo asked, interrupting him.

\tHis words were clipped and impatient sounding.  That he was worried about Raph had been obvious as soon as he'd arrived, but it still irked Mikey that he was being so biting with Don.

\tSeeing the excitement die from Don's body language was doubly upsetting.  It certainly wasn't his fault that Leo couldn't say what Raph needed to hear to keep him from running off.

\tMikey moved over to Don's side and set a hand on his shoulder.  Don gave him a quick, grateful glance and went back to looking at his screen.  Leo was practically scowling at Mikey's hand, but at that point the younger turtle didn't give a damn.

\t``Raph took to the South tunnels,'' Don said, pointing at a map that he'd pulled up on his screen.  His finger traced a tunnel to the place where a red dot containing the number two sat stationary at a spot on the map.  ``That's where he went above ground.''

\t``Isn't that the exit we used to take to get to Casey's old apartment?'' Mikey asked.

\tDon looked back over his shoulder at Leo.  ``Do you think he was going to see Casey and forgot that he'd moved?''

\t``He wouldn't have forgotten,'' Leo said.  ``Let's go.  I know exactly where Raph is.''

\tNeither of his brothers asked him where Raph was or how Leo knew where to find him.  In fact, both Mikey and Don kept their mouths shut as they followed Leo through the sewers to the place where Raph had exited the tunnels.

\tQuickly scaling a fire escape, the trio used the rooftop highway to travel the two blocks that would take them to Casey's previous apartment.  They didn't see Raphael anywhere, but Leo didn't hesitate to jump from the roof to the window sill of their friend's old bedroom.  Silently sliding the window open, he climbed through and waited for his brothers to join him.

\tLeo went first into the living room.  He stopped when he was halfway across the room, his focus on its occupant.  Mikey and Don stayed to one side of Leo, but their attention was on Raph.

\tThe red banded turtle was seated on the window sill, looking out over the neighborhood.  Casey's apartment had always been sparsely furnished, but empty of his belongings it lacked the warmth that their friend's personality brought to the space.

\t``Wondered how long it'd take ya' to figure out where I'd gone,'' Raph said.  His voice was low, containing a touch of melancholy.  ``I always liked this place.  The view is craptastic and ya' can smell fourteen different kinds of foods at once mixed with exhaust fumes from the street.  There's honking horns, loud music, people laughing and arguing into all hours of the night so ya' can't hardly sleep.  But it's real.''

\t``We are just as real, Raph,'' Leo told him.

\tRaph's single laugh contained no mirth.  ``No we ain't.  We're what ya' call one dimensional.  All we try to do is survive.  Play it safe, don't attract attention, don't let the outside world know we exist.  We barely exist.''

\tLeo took a step towards him.  ``We do more than just exist.  We might not get the recognition for what we've accomplished, but we have saved the world more than once.  That counts for something.  That means something.''

\t``It means we're good little soldiers,'' Raph said.  ``If there's a war to fight, we jump right in there without hesitating.  We survive the battles and go on to the next one until the fight is over.  Someday we ain't gonna come out on top.  Someday one of those battles is gonna be our last.  End of story.  In between times, we ain't living at all.''

\t``Don't say that,'' Leo hissed.  ``We can make of our lives what we want them to be, what we need them to be.''

\t``Words,'' Raph said.  ``Ya' got plenty of them when it's just us and you're trying to manipulate me into doing what ya' want.  Whatever ya' need your life to be, it don't seem to match what I need.  So how about this.  We'll just quit--'' He waved his hand between them.  ``--- whatever this is.  I'll keep following orders like a good little soldier.  Splinter will be happy and nobody has to worry about me doing something that's gonna get one of us killed.''

\t``That solves nothing,'' Leo said.  ``You suggest that we go back to the status quo but we're too far past that.  I want us to work, Raph.  I know you think I don't understand the emptiness you're feeling, but I do.  The only time I feel really alive is when I'm with you.''

\tThere was an anxious tone to Leo's voice that Mikey hadn't heard before.  Raph saying that they quit being together seemed to have struck a nerve.

\t``Ya' don't mean anything ya' say to me,'' Raph retorted.  ``Ya' say it in private `cause ya' know it's what I want to hear.''

\t``I'm saying it now in front of Don and Mikey,'' Leo said.

\t``Saying what, Leo?'' Raph asked.  ``What words are coming out of your mouth that should mean something to me?''

\tMikey was watching Leo's face and saw his lips press tightly together.  That some sort of internal struggle was going on was evidenced by the way his fingers dug into his palms.

\tRaph was staring at Leo, his golden eyes piercing straight into his brother.  Despite the obvious turmoil he was feeling, Leo didn't waver from returning that gaze.

\t``I love you,'' Leo said, the words clipped.

\tShaking his head, Raph told him, ``That sounded like ya' were reading it from a postcard.''

\tSeeing how hard this was for Leo made Mikey decide that he wasn't going to merely be a spectator any longer.  ``From your heart, Leo,'' he urged, his voice low.  ``It's there in you.  It's what you feel when you're alone and can let your guard down.  You have to be able to lower it for Raph if you truly feel something for him.''

\tLeo's eyes flicked towards him and then back to Raph.  The hope was there on Raph's face for all to see, but it was also obvious that he was bracing himself for the worst.

\tMoving closer to Raph, Leo exhaled breathily and said, ``I love you, Raphael.  I love you more than mere words can convey.''

\tRaph straightened and stood up.  ``Ya' know ya' excite me, right?  Ya' get under my skin in ways no one else ever will.  Ya' gotta let go of whatever keeps holding ya' back, Leo.  For this to work, ya' gotta . . . .''

\tHe paused, clearly unsure of how to word what it was he was trying to convey.

\t``Redefine your function,'' Donatello supplied.

\tRaph shot him a grateful glance.  ``Yeah. Redefine what it means to be our leader.  `Cause we really ain't soldiers, we're brothers.  We're more than brothers.  Ya' don't have to do it alone either, all of us need to redefine our functions.  Ya' keep doing what ya' do best; plan, strategize, bark out orders.  We'll do what we do best; I'll mow down the enemies, Don will outthink them, and Mike . . . what is it ya' do?''

\t``Ha, ha,'' Mikey said, seeing the glint of humor in Raph's eyes.

\t``You make it sound so simple,'' Leo said.  The lighthearted mood hadn't reached him, Leo's mind was focused on the bigger picture.

\t``It ain't gonna be simple,'' Raph said.  ``Just like it ain't gonna be simple to talk to Master Splinter and tell him what ya' couldn't tell him earlier.  Unless you're shining me on again.''

\t``I was never `shining you on' as you put it,'' Leo said, his manner resolute.  He was quiet for a moment, almost as if he was doing some soul-searching, before he spoke again.  ``We've spent years living with the feelings we have for each other and the last few months dancing around them.  We've substituted aggravation for desire and anger for lust.  Neither of us have wanted to admit that we could feel such hunger for a brother, much less for each other.''

\t``My pride and your sense of honor,'' Raph said.  ``That's basically what you're saying, ain't it?''

\t``My sense of duty,'' Leo stressed, and then added quickly, ``It's not an excuse, just an explanation.  Leaving you hanging like I did with Master Splinter, that wasn't honorable either.  I was . . . .''

\tMikey jumped in when he hesitated.  ``Torn.''

\tLeo nodded once in acknowledgement.  ``Torn is a good way to describe it.  When I'm alone with you, it feels like nothing else exists but the two of us.  You push, I pull, we connect.''

\t``Then why don't we connect that way when it ain't just the two of us?'' Raph asked.  He jerked a thumb in Mikey and Don's direction.  ``If those two can do it, why can't we?''

\t``Because one of us has been placed in a position of leadership and the other resents it,'' Leo said, his words slightly brusque.

\t``You're damn straight I resent it,'' Raph said heatedly.  ``Not for the reasons ya' think either.  Sure, one of them is that I don't really like being told what to do, but I accept that somebody has to call the shots.  What I resent is the wall it puts between us `cause that somebody is you.  And no, before ya' say it, I never wanted the job.  I know damn well I'd suck at it.''

\t``It doesn't matter which of us is leading our team, don't you see?  It's the fact that we are a team of four and the leader has to make the hard decisions,'' Leo said.  ``As a brother I've had to learn to partition the feelings I have for all three of you in order to take us into battle.  I know that I'm my own worst enemy, but that knowledge doesn't make it any easier to accept the fact that someday I might have to put one of you in harm's way.''

\t``I think what Leo's saying is that he's built walls around his emotions so that they don't get in the way when he can least afford their interference,'' Don said.  ``Mikey had an idea that's partly why you're having a hard time verbalizing how you feel, Leo.  We can all help to keep your emotions from overwhelming you, if you'll allow us to.''

\tMikey looked at Leo, his expression and tone vehement.  ``It's okay to lose control, bro'.  It's all about picking the time and place.  Bet you anything that Raph likes it when you go all dark side on him.  If he didn't like being bitten or losing the use of his arms `cause of your mastery with pressure points, he'd . . . .''

\tDon nudged him, hard.  Mikey's eyes went wide as he realized that his tongue had run away from his brain.

\tLeo was staring at him, but he wasn't the one who Mikey was afraid of at the moment.  The older turtle had already guessed what Mikey had been up to long before learning about the spy lizards.

\tVery slowly, Mikey turned his head to look at Raph.

\tIf they had been in a cartoon, Mikey would have seen the smoke coming from Raph's ears.  As it was, he could easily imagine it was there based on Raph's expression and his entire demeanor.

\tFrom between gritted teeth, Raph growled, ``You've got five seconds to tell me what you've done and then I'm gonna turn ya' into turtle paste.''

TBC.......

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