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Leo isn't helping much by sending him mixed signals.\n\nMulti-chapter 2k3", "count": "6", "submission_left_submission_id": "904190", "submission_left_file_name": "3178810_hummerhouse_cross_purposes_part_5.doc", "submission_left_thumbnail_url_huge": "https://nl1.ib.metapix.net/thumbnails/huge/3178/3178810_hummerhouse_cross_purposes_part_5.jpg", "submission_left_thumbnail_url_large": "https://nl1.ib.metapix.net/thumbnails/large/3178/3178810_hummerhouse_cross_purposes_part_5.jpg", "submission_left_thumbnail_url_medium": "https://nl1.ib.metapix.net/thumbnails/medium/3178/3178810_hummerhouse_cross_purposes_part_5.jpg", "submission_left_thumb_huge_x": "300", "submission_left_thumb_huge_y": "300", "submission_left_thumb_large_x": "200", "submission_left_thumb_large_y": "200", "submission_left_thumb_medium_x": "120", "submission_left_thumb_medium_y": "120" } ], "description": "Summary: It's time for a confrontation, even if Raphael has to use threats to make Leonardo talk.\nPart 6 Rated: R for TCest, language, adult concepts and situations, angst\nPairing: Leo/Raph\n~~The fabulous cover image was commissioned from @Plastron.", "description_bbcode_parsed": "Summary: It's time for a confrontation, even if Raphael has to use threats to make Leonardo talk.
Part 6 Rated: R for TCest, language, adult concepts and situations, angst
Pairing: Leo/Raph
~~The fabulous cover image was commissioned from @Plastron.", "writing": "Excerpt from Raph’s journal:\n\n\t[i]“Who was it that said ‘the best laid plans of mice and men’ . . . .”\n[/i]\n\tRaph’s skin felt like it was being scorched right through the wrist guard where Leo was touching him. Jerking his arm back, he twisted out of his brother’s grasp.\n\n\t“Don’t ya’ fuckin’ touch me!” Raph snarled.\n\n\t“What were you going to do?” Leo asked in a low, hoarse whisper.\n\n\tFor some instinctive reason, Raph kept his voice down. As angry as he was, he didn’t want to have a fight within earshot of Master Splinter and have to then lie to him about what had caused the disagreement.\n\n\t“That ain’t any of your business, Leo,” Raph rasped. “Nothin’ about me is any of your damn business anymore.”\n\n\t“You were going to talk to Master Splinter about us,” Leo told him, his eyes wide.\n\n\tRaph stared at him. If he didn’t know any better, he’d say that Fearless was actually afraid.\n\n\t“No, I wasn’t,” Raph said. “I got some issues and I need ta talk ta him, but I wasn’t plannin’ on saying anything about what the two of us did.”\n\n\t“What then?” Leo asked, insistent.\n\n\tRaph flared up again. “Back off Leo. Just back the fuck off. Ya’ ain’t Cerberus guarding the gates of hell, and if I don’t wanna stay in it, ya’ can’t stop me from leaving.”\n\n\tLeo’s mouth had opened to interrupt but Raph’s words halted his. His mouth stayed open for a moment, his face getting the same dazed look Raph had seen on fighter’s that have been hit too hard.\n\n\t“You want to . . . leave?” Leo said, his voice still low but with a punch drunk quality to it.\n\n\tTaking a couple of deep breaths, Raph said, “We ain’t having this discussion. Just get away from me, ya’ should be able ta handle that. Ya’ been doin’ that real good for the last three weeks, a few more hours and ya’ won’t have ta deal with me at all.”\n\n\tLeo’s eyes shut and Raph saw a quiver run across his brother’s shoulders.\n\n\t“I think . . . I handled this wrong,” Leo said very softly.\n\n\tRaph’s brow furrowed. “More of your game? I’m done playin’; ya’ wanna have some kind of split personality problem, peddle it elsewhere.”\n\n\tTurning away from Leo, Raph headed back towards Master Splinter’s door. Leo moved fast, darting in front of Raph and placing his body between Raph and the shoji.\n\n\t“Don’t make me move ya’,” Raph growled at him.\n\n\t“Five minutes; just give me five minutes to talk to you,” Leo said without moving.\n\n\t“No,” Raph told him, starting to push, but Leo dug his feet in and pressed his plastron against his brother’s.\n\n\t[i]“Please,” [/i]Leo begged, in a quiet yet urgent tone.\n\n\tMaybe it was the look on Leo’s face, or the fact that they would end up having a physical altercation in front of Master Splinter’s door otherwise, but Raph abruptly backed up. Spinning on his heel, he strode into the dojo.\n\n\tLeo came in quickly behind him, stopping when Raph halted in the middle of the room. \n\n\t“Ya’ got three minutes,” Raph announced, hands on the hilts of his sais. “And don’t think standing there in front of the exit is gonna keep me from leaving when I’m ready ta go.”\n\n\t“I don’t want you to leave,” Leo told him forcefully.\n\n\t“Time’s up,” Raph announced and started for the door.\n\n\t“Wait, wait,” Leo said in a rush, moving in front of Raph again. “Please.”\n\n\tRaph pulled up short, not wanting another collision with Leo. Touching his brother in any kind of way set off fireworks in his gut and he didn’t need that feeling on top of everything else.\n\n\t“Here’s what ain’t gonna happen in this conversation,” Raph said. “Ya’ ain’t gonna say things ta me that sound like commands. Ya’ ain’t gonna do the whole ‘I’m superior because I’m better’ crap and ya’ ain’t gonna talk in circles without saying anything at all. First time that happens, I go through ya’ ta get ta Master Splinter. Clear?”\n\n\t“Yes,” Leo answered simply. “I owe you that and so much more Raph.”\n\n\tRaph blinked in surprise, but kept his guard up, having seen Leo’s personality shift too quickly in the last month to allow himself to be fooled by a few caring words.\n\n\t“You’re damn straight that ya’ owe me an explanation,” Raph agreed and then stopped talking. He had no desire to let his brother know just how deeply hurt he was.\n\n\tLeo’s eyes came up to Raph’s and held, letting Raph have a glimpse behind his mask. Raph was surprised to see an echo of his own pain in his brother’s orbs.\n\n\t“The last few months,” Leo started and then stopped, seemingly in an attempt to compose himself. Beginning again, he said, “In the last few months the attraction I’ve had for you for my entire life got stronger. Too strong for me to ignore or control with my meditation. It was difficult for me to even be alone with you. I’ve fought a lot of things in my life, but fighting this was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”\n\n\t“Ya’ didn’t need ta fight it; I felt the same way,” Raph said.\n\n\t“I know that [i]now[/i],” Leo told him, “I didn’t then. How could I? This feeling I have for you isn’t something that’s acceptable for siblings Raphael. I’m supposed to be your leader; I couldn’t just suddenly push myself on you, how would that have appeared? You might think I was abusing my power and then hated me for my perversion. The only thing I could think to do was to avoid situations where we were alone together. So I started to hang out with Don a lot more.”\n\n\t“Oh,” Raph said, beginning to understand. “But that don’t explain why ya’ kept butting in when I was with Don. Shell, if ya’ didn’t want ta be alone with me, having me doing stuff with Donny was the perfect solution.”\n\n\tLeo nodded and murmured, “I know.” \n\n\tLeo’s face flushed a deeper color and despite his anger, Raph couldn’t help but think how attractive that was.\n\n\t“So?” Raph prompted him.\n\n\t“I was jealous,” Leo answered and shrugged. “I began to think that you liked Don in the same way that I liked you. I could feel the sexual tension rolling off of you and I thought it was because you were falling for Don.”\n\n\t“I was spending time with Donny ‘cause he seemed ta be the only one ya’ wanted ta be around,” Raph admitted, “not ‘cause I wanted ta be with him. Shell, Leo, you’re the only one that has ever made me feel like this.”\n\n\t“Confused, idiotic and messed up inside?” Leo asked.\n\n\t“Exactly,” Raph said. “But none of that explains why ya’ pulled me in and then pushed me away, Leo. Once ya’ knew how much in love with ya’ I was, ya’ knew ya’ had me. Why did ya’ just clam up and walk away from me?”\n\n\tLeo’s mouth was set in a grim line. “Master Splinter.”\n\n\tHe stopped talking and Raph waited, thinking that once the flood gates were opened, Leo would release the rest of the explanation. When he didn’t say anything for several minutes, Raph took a few steps closer to him, studying his brother’s face. \n\n\tFrom that vantage point, Raph could see the lines along Leo’s jaw and those around his eyes as he struggled with an internal demon. It was obvious that there was something deeper than just fear of having their sensei find out they’d had a sexual encounter.\n\n\t“Keep going, Leo. I wanna hear the whole thing or I walk,” Raph threatened again.\n\n\t“That first time when I kissed you, I backed away because Don interrupted us. I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t; probably pulled you into my room and taken you like I did in the sewer tunnel.” He sighed deeply. “I’m being honest with you, I lost control and there was no way I would have gotten it back if not for Don. That’s when I knew I couldn’t even be close to you.”\n\n\t“I returned that kiss, Leo,” Raph said, “ya’ had ta know I was feeling something too.”\n\n\tLeo shook his head. “Raph, I thought you were frustrated with me for being with Don in his lab. From the things you said about him, I thought you were kissing me to stop me from thinking about him.”\n\n\t“Holy shit,” Raph said with a short laugh. “So both of us were working at cross purposes.”\n\n\t“Apparently we were,” Leo agreed. “It just made it worse that every time I wasn’t with Don, you were. It got to the point where I was roaming the lair after everyone was in bed so I could make sure that you hadn’t snuck into his room.”\n\n\t“Fuck,” Raph exhaled, slightly exasperated.\n\n\tLeo’s head snapped up. “I told you I couldn’t think straight. Unfortunately, even though you didn’t notice what I was doing, Master Splinter did. But Master Splinter misunderstood what was happening as well. He began to think that I was falling in love with Donatello.”\n\n\t“All those talks,” Raph said.\n\n\tLeo was nodding. “He kept leading me into discussions about you guys, all of you. The first time, I thought he was testing my skill in being able to identify each of your strengths and weaknesses. The second time I believed he was trying to get me to talk through my goals for each of you. It wasn’t until the third conversation on the same subject that I began to see he was trying to find out if my feelings for Don had changed.\n\n\t“I looked back over the previous discussions and thought I had put too much stress on how you were doing. I was sure you dominated everything I said. All I could think to do was to steer him off course, and Don was at the forefront of my mind, so I pushed him in front of Master Splinter.”\n\n\tWhen he paused, Raph watched his face. Now that he was no longer trying to hide his feelings behind a blank ninja mask, every bit of pain and confusion showed. How could his brother have gotten so good at covering such intense emotions?\n\n\t“Somethin’ happened other than his just questioning ya’, didn’t it?” Raph asked.\n\n\t“I didn’t think too much of it when Master Splinter called me in for another talk,” Leo said. “It was right after I kissed you. I was almost suffocating Don with my attention and Master Splinter misinterpreted what I was doing.”\n\n\tHe stopped to clear his throat and his face wrinkled for a moment before he controlled it.\n\n\t“Master Splinter said he understood that as teenagers we were subject to raging hormones and that we didn’t have a suitable outlet for our desires. As soon as he said that, I began to get really scared for the first time in my life.”\n\n\tHe stopped talking again and rubbed the back of his hand across his eyes. That was when Raph began to get an inkling of just what his brother had been going through. Raph was glad Leo had stopped him from going in to see their Father.\n\n\tLeo started to talk again. “Master Splinter told me that there were many sacrifices I would be required to make as the leader of our clan, and that he hoped I had understood that clearly when I had accepted that role. I told him that I did; that I knew my position made things different for me than they were for the rest of you.\n\n\t“That’s when he told me that favoring one brother over the others was not acceptable. He said he expected that I would know that, considering how many years I’ve spent studying the art of fighting and the art of war. A leader cannot play favorites; that the calculation required during a battle could not be muddied by emotions such as fear or lust.”\n\n\t“He said ‘lust’?” Raph asked quietly.\n\n\t“Yes,” Leo answered. “He told me he knew I loved all of my brothers and that was enough of a handicap for any leader, but to be misguided by stronger feelings for one could lead to tragedy. That’s when he told me he thought I was developing inappropriate feelings for Don. Master Splinter said that I had to remember that Don was a brother to me and needed to remain nothing more than that.\n\n\t“I already understood what he was saying, Raph. It’s the thing inside of me that I’ve been fighting all these years. It’s why I couldn’t be alone with you. But Master Splinter thought; Master Splinter [i]thinks[/i]; that my feelings are for Donatello.”\n\n\t“Has he talked ta Donny too?” Raph wanted to know.\n\n\tLeo shook his head. “No. Raph, Master Splinter thinks that you have those same feelings for Don, and he thinks Don might be torn between the two of us. He said he didn’t want us to suffer needlessly by being deprived of the normal things that most sentient beings require, amongst them a physical outlet for our desires.”\n\n\tRaph took another step towards Leo, his heart racing. “Does that mean he doesn’t have a problem with us havin’ sex?”\n\n\tLeo stared at him, a sad look on his face now. “I think maybe he’s foreseen it happening Raph. I think he’s been ready for a couple of years now to deal with the inevitable, so he’s had time to look at it from a lot of angles.”\n\n\t“Then what the fuck are ya’ wound up so tight for? If Master Splinter says it’s okay, we shouldn’t be fighting, we should be in my damn bed,” Raph said.\n\n\tHolding a hand up to stop Raph’s excited move forward, Leo said, “Raph, he didn’t say it was okay for [i]me [/i]to have sex.”\n\n\tThe little ball of hope that Raph had pushed up to the top of the hill came rolling back down. “Gods, Leo. Just get ta the fuckin’ punch line already.”\n\n\t“He made me promise not to have a physical relationship with Donatello. He made me promise not to become involved with Don in any way beyond that of a brother. I had to give him my word,” Leo told him.\n\n\tRaph looked down at the ground, needing time away from Leo’s eyes to process what his brother had said. His heart had been dropping steadily for three weeks, and he half expected to see it leak out of his toes. At least if he was looking down, he could watch for where it landed and scoop it up later.\n\n\t“Ya’ had ta promise about Don,” Raph repeated without glancing up.\n\n\t“About Don,” Leo acknowledged, realizing that Raph needed that clarity. “I’ve been walking a fine line ever since, because I don’t want him to find out that Don is not the one I have feelings for. If he discovers that I’m in love with you, he’ll force me to make that same promise Raphael. When he caught us arguing in my room, all he heard was us yelling about Don. He thinks we were fighting over Don, and he told me I had to leave Don to you.”\n\n\tRaph was starting to get mad again, but not at Leo this time. “He can’t force ya’ ta do that; he shouldn’t have forced that kind of promise out of ya’ at all.”\n\n\t“He’s still our sensei and our Father, and I am honor bound to remain loyal to him. So are you, Raphael. He is our Master,” Leo said.\n\n\t“Then what’s the point of making ya’ the leader? What’s the point of all those years of training Leo? He’s supposed ta be handin’ the reins over ta ya’, and ya’ gotta make this job yours. Ya’ ain’t him and ya’ can’t lead us the same way. Ya’ been feeling like this about me for as long as ya’ can remember, right? Isn’t that what ya’ said ta me?” Raph insisted.\n\n\t“Of course,” Leo said, confused. “I don’t see where this is going.”\n\n\t“Dammit, Leo. Tell me which fight we been in that ya’ favored me over Mikey or Don,” Raph asked.\n\n\t“I never have,” Leo said adamantly.\n\n\tRaph was thinking hard, trying to find some resolution to their problem. Leo had opened up to him completely and he could have walked on air if it weren’t for the fact that they still had the almost insurmountable hurdle of Master Splinter’s disapproval in their path.\n\n\t“Name a time when I was more protective of ya’ than either of them,” Raph said, following out his train of thought.\n\n\t“There has never been a time when . . . when . . . ,” Leo paused, turning his head to stare at the dojo wall.\n\n\tRaph finished for him, “I’ve never felt the need ta jump in and save your butt any more often than I have ta save Mikey’s or Don’s. Master Splinter knows that just as well as ya’ do. I never knew until a month ago that ya’ felt the same about me as I feel about ya’ and that means I ain’t ever noticed ya’ treatin’ me with any favoritism during a battle either.”\n\n\t“Nor I you,” Leo admitted. “Most of the time you’re fighting me nearly as hard as our enemy.”\n\n\tRaph chuckled softly. “Maybe I won’t do that so much if I ain’t so frustrated with wanting ya’. Point I’m tryin’ ta make here,” he said, sobering quickly, “is that the thing Master Splinter is most worried about ain’t gonna happen. We already proved that it won’t.”\n\n\t“We’ve never been lovers before either,” Leo pointed out.\n\n\t“You’re right, and I’ll give ya’ that argument,” Raph said. “Do ya’ just wanna give up then? Ya’ ain’t never given up on anything ya’ really wanted, Leo. Tell me what it is you’re afraid Master Splinter’s gonna do ta ya’ if ya’ tell him we love each other and ya’ refuse ta promise [i]not [/i]ta love me.”\n\n\t“He could send me away again,” Leo said in a voice so low it was almost a whisper. “He could strip me of my leadership.”\n\n\t“Who is he gonna give it ta then? Donny doesn’t want it and sure as shell ain’t suited for it anyway. Mikey, fuck – Mikey might be a pretty good leader someday, just don’t ever fucking tell him I said that. He just ain’t mature enough right now. If Master Splinter tried ta give it ta me I wouldn’t take it. If I’m gonna be leader, I want it ta be because I earned the title, not because he was punishing ya’.\n\n\t“Ya’ know something else Fearless? Let him send ya’ away, because I’ll fuckin’ go with ya’. I was plannin’ on goin’ someplace anyway if I couldn’t love ya’ the way I need ta, so I sure the fuck ain’t sticking around this place if he sends ya’ away from here. Maybe Mikey and Don will want ta go with us. Ya’ can be clan leader without Master Splinter making up a different set of rules for ya’ ta follow,” Raph said.\n\n\t“We couldn’t leave Master Splinter alone,” Leo told him. “He is our Father.”\n\n\t“That’s right, Leo. He’s our dad and we gotta honor him as such. But he made ya’ clan leader, and by all rights, that makes your word law, not his. He can’t strip ya’ of that, it’s a done deal. Ya’ wanna impress him? Stand up for yourself over this. Tell him you’ll give him your word that during a fight our roles won’t change and then honor that promise. Make me swear ta that same thing in front of him, so he’ll know we’re both on the same page about this. At some point he’s gotta see ya’ take the reins on something and split off from his way so he’ll know ya’ ain’t Splinter Junior or some clone of his,” Raph said.\n\n\tA light had started to shine behind Leo’s eyes; a light Raph hadn’t seen in a long time.\n\n\t“Do you think he might be testing me?” Leo asked.\n\n\tRaph shrugged. “I don’t know, but it’s possible ain’t it? He’s already seen ya’ lead us in plenty of fights, he knows damn well how good ya’ are at that. Maybe ya’ just need to plan your approach the same way ya’ plan our battles.”\n\n\tLeo took a few steps towards his brother, the lines dropping from his face. “I don’t want to ignore or hide how I feel about you anymore.”\n\n\tRaph’s eyes squeezed shut as he let his guard down, taking a shaky breath. “I’ve been hurting Leo,” he admitted when he felt he could open his eyes to look at his brother. “I’ve been feeling worthless and humiliated. Ya’ gotta promise something ta me now. Ya’ gotta promise ya’ won’t ever do that ta me again.”\n\n\tLeo walked the last few steps left between them and wrapped his arms around Raph, holding him close.\n\n\t“I promise you Raphael,” Leo said in a low, strong voice. “I give you my word of honor that I love you dearly and will never let anything or anyone interfere with that again. No matter who it is.”\n\n\t“Okay,” Raph said; a corner of his lip lifting.\n\n\tTheir eyes stayed locked as Leo tilted his head and pressed a gentle kiss to Raph’s lips. They enjoyed that for a moment before opening their mouths and exploring each other in a way they’d never gotten to do before. For as long as that kiss lasted, Raph felt that he had merged with Leo completely; becoming one entire being rather than a lost and divided soul.\n\n\tWhen the kiss finally broke it was a mutual separation, as though they could read and understand each other beyond the need for words.\n\n\t“I’m guessing that’s the best I can hope for until ya’ talk ta Master Splinter?” Raph asked.\n\n\tLeo smiled for the first time. “That would probably be the correct route to proceed along,” he acknowledged. “I don’t want another sewer quickie without lubricant incident to occur ever again.”\n\n\t“How did ya’ even know what ta do, Leo? I know ya’ told me ya’ read about it, but why were ya’ reading about how ta have sex with a guy?” Raph wanted to know.\n\n\tLeo’s grin was sheepish. “I told you I’ve been having stronger feelings about you in the last few months. I was even dreaming about you and in my dreams we were . . . intimate. Well, we were trying to be intimate, but we weren’t very successful because I didn’t know what to do. So I finally looked it up. I wasn’t really hoping I’d ever get a chance to go all the way with you, but I sort of hoped it would help my dreams finish to a better conclusion.”\n\n\tRaph grinned. “Ya’ were having wet dreams about me?”\n\n\tLeo laughed at his lecherous look. “Shut up,” he told his brother. “Yes, I was having unsatisfactory wet dreams about you. I would always wake up and have to finish things off by myself.”\n\n\t“Oh,” Raph said in a teasing voice. “Geez Leo, I never imagined your hand grippin’ anything other than your katana. Is that how ya’ developed such a nice firm hold?”\n\n\t“I don’t remember you complaining about my hold while we were in the tunnel, Raphael,” Leo said, nipping at Raph’s chin.\n\n\t“Mm, shit Leo,” Raph moaned when Leo’s tongue slid down his throat. “Go talk ta Master Splinter now, okay? You’re makin’ me hard, and I want ta know right now if we’re gonna be doin’ this in a sewer tunnel again.”\n\n\tLeo let go of him, and stepped back, his smile firmly in place.\n\n\t“Go wait in my bed,” Leo said, “I’ll be up in a few minutes.”\n\n\tRaph looked hard at him and saw the unwavering resolve on his face beneath the happy smile. He knew then that Leo was his and they weren’t going to have to leave or hide anymore.\n\n\t“Why your bed Fearless leader?” he asked in the same teasing tone. “How about my hammock?”\n\n\t“There is no way I am going to try to maneuver in your hammock, Raph,” Leo said. “I’m the leader and we’ll be sleeping in my bed tonight. Besides, that’s where the lube is.”\n\n\tRaphael’s delighted laughter followed Leo out of the dojo and then Raph made a quick dash into his bedroom before going to his brother’s.\n\nExcerpt from Raph’s journal:\n\n\t[i]“And we lived happily ever after. The End.”\n\t“P.S. I hope he doesn’t think he’s topping this time!”[/i]", "writing_bbcode_parsed": "Excerpt from Raph’s journal:

\t“Who was it that said ‘the best laid plans of mice and men’ . . . .”

\tRaph’s skin felt like it was being scorched right through the wrist guard where Leo was touching him.  Jerking his arm back, he twisted out of his brother’s grasp.

\t“Don’t ya’ fuckin’ touch me!” Raph snarled.

\t“What were you going to do?” Leo asked in a low, hoarse whisper.

\tFor some instinctive reason, Raph kept his voice down.  As angry as he was, he didn’t want to have a fight within earshot of Master Splinter and have to then lie to him about what had caused the disagreement.

\t“That ain’t any of your business, Leo,” Raph rasped.  “Nothin’ about me is any of your damn business anymore.”

\t“You were going to talk to Master Splinter about us,” Leo told him, his eyes wide.

\tRaph stared at him.  If he didn’t know any better, he’d say that Fearless was actually afraid.

\t“No, I wasn’t,” Raph said.  “I got some issues and I need ta talk ta him, but I wasn’t plannin’ on saying anything about what the two of us did.”

\t“What then?” Leo asked, insistent.

\tRaph flared up again.  “Back off Leo.  Just back the fuck off.  Ya’ ain’t Cerberus guarding the gates of hell, and if I don’t wanna stay in it, ya’ can’t stop me from leaving.”

\tLeo’s mouth had opened to interrupt but Raph’s words halted his.  His mouth stayed open for a moment, his face getting the same dazed look Raph had seen on fighter’s that have been hit too hard.

\t“You want to . . . leave?” Leo said, his voice still low but with a punch drunk quality to it.

\tTaking a couple of deep breaths, Raph said, “We ain’t having this discussion.  Just get away from me, ya’ should be able ta handle that.  Ya’ been doin’ that real good for the last three weeks, a few more hours and ya’ won’t have ta deal with me at all.”

\tLeo’s eyes shut and Raph saw a quiver run across his brother’s shoulders.

\t“I think  . . . I handled this wrong,” Leo said very softly.

\tRaph’s brow furrowed.  “More of your game?  I’m done playin’; ya’ wanna have some kind of split personality problem, peddle it elsewhere.”

\tTurning away from Leo, Raph headed back towards Master Splinter’s door.  Leo moved fast, darting in front of Raph and placing his body between Raph and the shoji.

\t“Don’t make me move ya’,” Raph growled at him.

\t“Five minutes; just give me five minutes to talk to you,” Leo said without moving.

\t“No,” Raph told him, starting to push, but Leo dug his feet in and pressed his plastron against his brother’s.

\t“Please,” Leo begged, in a quiet yet urgent tone.

\tMaybe it was the look on Leo’s face, or the fact that they would end up having a physical altercation in front of Master Splinter’s door otherwise, but Raph abruptly backed up.  Spinning on his heel, he strode into the dojo.

\tLeo came in quickly behind him, stopping when Raph halted in the middle of the room.  

\t“Ya’ got three minutes,” Raph announced, hands on the hilts of his sais.  “And don’t think standing there in front of the exit is gonna keep me from leaving when I’m ready ta go.”

\t“I don’t want you to leave,” Leo told him forcefully.

\t“Time’s up,” Raph announced and started for the door.

\t“Wait, wait,” Leo said in a rush, moving in front of Raph again.  “Please.”

\tRaph pulled up short, not wanting another collision with Leo.  Touching his brother in any kind of way set off fireworks in his gut and he didn’t need that feeling on top of everything else.

\t“Here’s what ain’t gonna happen in this conversation,” Raph said.  “Ya’ ain’t gonna say things ta me that sound like commands.  Ya’ ain’t gonna do the whole ‘I’m superior because I’m better’ crap and ya’ ain’t gonna talk in circles without saying anything at all.  First time that happens, I go through ya’ ta get ta Master Splinter.  Clear?”

\t“Yes,” Leo answered simply.  “I owe you that and so much more Raph.”

\tRaph blinked in surprise, but kept his guard up, having seen Leo’s personality shift too quickly in the last month to allow himself to be fooled by a few caring words.

\t“You’re damn straight that ya’ owe me an explanation,” Raph agreed and then stopped talking.  He had no desire to let his brother know just how deeply hurt he was.

\tLeo’s eyes came up to Raph’s and held, letting Raph have a glimpse behind his mask.  Raph was surprised to see an echo of his own pain in his brother’s orbs.

\t“The last few months,” Leo started and then stopped, seemingly in an attempt to compose himself.  Beginning again, he said, “In the last few months the attraction I’ve had for you for my entire life got stronger.  Too strong for me to ignore or control with my meditation.  It was difficult for me to even be alone with you.  I’ve fought a lot of things in my life, but fighting this was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

\t“Ya’ didn’t need ta fight it; I felt the same way,” Raph said.

\t“I know that now,” Leo told him, “I didn’t then.  How could I?  This feeling I have for you isn’t something that’s acceptable for siblings Raphael.  I’m supposed to be your leader; I couldn’t just suddenly push myself on you, how would that have appeared?  You might think I was abusing my power and then hated me for my perversion.  The only thing I could think to do was to avoid situations where we were alone together.  So I started to hang out with Don a lot more.”

\t“Oh,” Raph said, beginning to understand.  “But that don’t explain why ya’ kept butting in when I was with Don.  Shell, if ya’ didn’t want ta be alone with me, having me doing stuff with Donny was the perfect solution.”

\tLeo nodded and murmured, “I know.”  

\tLeo’s face flushed a deeper color and despite his anger, Raph couldn’t help but think how attractive that was.

\t“So?” Raph prompted him.

\t“I was jealous,” Leo answered and shrugged.  “I began to think that you liked Don in the same way that I liked you.  I could feel the sexual tension rolling off of you and I thought it was because you were falling for Don.”

\t“I was spending time with Donny ‘cause he seemed ta be the only one ya’ wanted ta be around,” Raph admitted, “not ‘cause I wanted ta be with him.  Shell, Leo, you’re the only one that has ever made me feel like this.”

\t“Confused, idiotic and messed up inside?” Leo asked.

\t“Exactly,” Raph said.  “But none of that explains why ya’ pulled me in and then pushed me away, Leo.  Once ya’ knew how much in love with ya’ I was, ya’ knew ya’ had me.  Why did ya’ just clam up and walk away from me?”

\tLeo’s mouth was set in a grim line.  “Master Splinter.”

\tHe stopped talking and Raph waited, thinking that once the flood gates were opened, Leo would release the rest of the explanation.  When he didn’t say anything for several minutes, Raph took a few steps closer to him, studying his brother’s face.

\tFrom that vantage point, Raph could see the lines along Leo’s jaw and those around his eyes as he struggled with an internal demon.  It was obvious that there was something deeper than just fear of having their sensei find out they’d had a sexual encounter.

\t“Keep going, Leo.  I wanna hear the whole thing or I walk,” Raph threatened again.

\t“That first time when I kissed you, I backed away because Don interrupted us.  I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t; probably pulled you into my room and taken you like I did in the sewer tunnel.”  He sighed deeply.  “I’m being honest with you, I lost control and there was no way I would have gotten it back if not for Don.  That’s when I knew I couldn’t even be close to you.”

\t“I returned that kiss, Leo,” Raph said, “ya’ had ta know I was feeling something too.”

\tLeo shook his head.  “Raph, I thought you were frustrated with me for being with Don in his lab.  From the things you said about him, I thought you were kissing me to stop me from thinking about him.”

\t“Holy shit,” Raph said with a short laugh.  “So both of us were working at cross purposes.”

\t“Apparently we were,” Leo agreed.  “It just made it worse that every time I wasn’t with Don, you were.  It got to the point where I was roaming the lair after everyone was in bed so I could make sure that you hadn’t snuck into his room.”

\t“Fuck,” Raph exhaled, slightly exasperated.

\tLeo’s head snapped up.  “I told you I couldn’t think straight.  Unfortunately, even though you didn’t notice what I was doing, Master Splinter did.  But Master Splinter misunderstood what was happening as well.  He began to think that I was falling in love with Donatello.”

\t“All those talks,” Raph said.

\tLeo was nodding.  “He kept leading me into discussions about you guys, all of you.  The first time, I thought he was testing my skill in being able to identify each of your strengths and weaknesses.  The second time I believed he was trying to get me to talk through my goals for each of you.  It wasn’t until the third conversation on the same subject that I began to see he was trying to find out if my feelings for Don had changed.

\t“I looked back over the previous discussions and thought I had put too much stress on how you were doing.  I was sure you dominated everything I said.  All I could think to do was to steer him off course, and Don was at the forefront of my mind, so I pushed him in front of Master Splinter.”

\tWhen he paused, Raph watched his face.  Now that he was no longer trying to hide his feelings behind a blank ninja mask, every bit of pain and confusion showed.  How could his brother have gotten so good at covering such intense emotions?

\t“Somethin’ happened other than his just questioning ya’, didn’t it?” Raph asked.

\t“I didn’t think too much of it when Master Splinter called me in for another talk,” Leo said.  “It was right after I kissed you.  I was almost suffocating Don with my attention and Master Splinter misinterpreted what I was doing.”

\tHe stopped to clear his throat and his face wrinkled for a moment before he controlled it.

\t“Master Splinter said he understood that as teenagers we were subject to raging hormones and that we didn’t have a suitable outlet for our desires.  As soon as he said that, I began to get really scared for the first time in my life.”

\tHe stopped talking again and rubbed the back of his hand across his eyes.  That was when Raph began to get an inkling of just what his brother had been going through.  Raph was glad Leo had stopped him from going in to see their Father.

\tLeo started to talk again.  “Master Splinter told me that there were many sacrifices I would be required to make as the leader of our clan, and that he hoped I had understood that clearly when I had accepted that role.  I told him that I did; that I knew my position made things different for me than they were for the rest of you.

\t“That’s when he told me that favoring one brother over the others was not acceptable.  He said he expected that I would know that, considering how many years I’ve spent studying the art of fighting and the art of war.  A leader cannot play favorites; that the calculation required during a battle could not be muddied by emotions such as fear or lust.”

\t“He said ‘lust’?” Raph asked quietly.

\t“Yes,” Leo answered.  “He told me he knew I loved all of my brothers and that was enough of a handicap for any leader, but to be misguided by stronger feelings for one could lead to tragedy.  That’s when he told me he thought I was developing inappropriate feelings for Don.  Master Splinter said that I had to remember that Don was a brother to me and needed to remain nothing more than that.

\t“I already understood what he was saying, Raph.  It’s the thing inside of me that I’ve been fighting all these years.  It’s why I couldn’t be alone with you.  But Master Splinter thought; Master Splinter thinks; that my feelings are for Donatello.”

\t“Has he talked ta Donny too?” Raph wanted to know.

\tLeo shook his head.  “No.  Raph, Master Splinter thinks that you have those same feelings for Don, and he thinks Don might be torn between the two of us.  He said he didn’t want us to suffer needlessly by being deprived of the normal things that most sentient beings require, amongst them a physical outlet for our desires.”

\tRaph took another step towards Leo, his heart racing.  “Does that mean he doesn’t have a problem with us havin’ sex?”

\tLeo stared at him, a sad look on his face now.  “I think maybe he’s foreseen it happening Raph.  I think he’s been ready for a couple of years now to deal with the inevitable, so he’s had time to look at it from a lot of angles.”

\t“Then what the fuck are ya’ wound up so tight for?  If Master Splinter says it’s okay, we shouldn’t be fighting, we should be in my damn bed,” Raph said.

\tHolding a hand up to stop Raph’s excited move forward, Leo said, “Raph, he didn’t say it was okay for me to have sex.”

\tThe little ball of hope that Raph had pushed up to the top of the hill came rolling back down.  “Gods, Leo.  Just get ta the fuckin’ punch line already.”

\t“He made me promise not to have a physical relationship with Donatello.  He made me promise not to become involved with Don in any way beyond that of a brother.  I had to give him my word,” Leo told him.

\tRaph looked down at the ground, needing time away from Leo’s eyes to process what his brother had said.  His heart had been dropping steadily for three weeks, and he half expected to see it leak out of his toes.  At least if he was looking down, he could watch for where it landed and scoop it up later.

\t“Ya’ had ta promise about Don,” Raph repeated without glancing up.

\t“About Don,” Leo acknowledged, realizing that Raph needed that clarity.  “I’ve been walking a fine line ever since, because I don’t want him to find out that Don is not the one I have feelings for.  If he discovers that I’m in love with you, he’ll force me to make that same promise Raphael.  When he caught us arguing in my room, all he heard was us yelling about Don.  He thinks we were fighting over Don, and he told me I had to leave Don to you.”

\tRaph was starting to get mad again, but not at Leo this time.  “He can’t force ya’ ta do that; he shouldn’t have forced that kind of promise out of ya’ at all.”

\t“He’s still our sensei and our Father, and I am honor bound to remain loyal to him.  So are you, Raphael.  He is our Master,” Leo said.

\t“Then what’s the point of making ya’ the leader?  What’s the point of all those years of training Leo?  He’s supposed ta be handin’ the reins over ta ya’, and ya’ gotta make this job yours.  Ya’ ain’t him and ya’ can’t lead us the same way.  Ya’ been feeling like this about me for as long as ya’ can remember, right?  Isn’t that what ya’ said ta me?” Raph insisted.

\t“Of course,” Leo said, confused.  “I don’t see where this is going.”

\t“Dammit, Leo.  Tell me which fight we been in that ya’ favored me over Mikey or Don,” Raph asked.

\t“I never have,” Leo said adamantly.

\tRaph was thinking hard, trying to find some resolution to their problem.  Leo had opened up to him completely and he could have walked on air if it weren’t for the fact that they still had the almost insurmountable hurdle of Master Splinter’s disapproval in their path.

\t“Name a time when I was more protective of ya’ than either of them,” Raph said, following out his train of thought.

\t“There has never been a time when  . . . when . . . ,” Leo paused, turning his head to stare at the dojo wall.

\tRaph finished for him, “I’ve never felt the need ta jump in and save your butt any more often than I have ta save Mikey’s or Don’s.  Master Splinter knows that just as well as ya’ do.  I never knew until a month ago that ya’ felt the same about me as I feel about ya’ and that means I ain’t ever noticed ya’ treatin’ me with any favoritism during a battle either.”

\t“Nor I you,” Leo admitted.  “Most of the time you’re fighting me nearly as hard as our enemy.”

\tRaph chuckled softly.  “Maybe I won’t do that so much if I ain’t so frustrated with wanting ya’.  Point I’m tryin’ ta make here,” he said, sobering quickly, “is that the thing Master Splinter is most worried about ain’t gonna happen.  We already proved that it won’t.”

\t“We’ve never been lovers before either,” Leo pointed out.

\t“You’re right, and I’ll give ya’ that argument,” Raph said.  “Do ya’ just wanna give up then?  Ya’ ain’t never given up on anything ya’ really wanted, Leo.  Tell me what it is you’re afraid Master Splinter’s gonna do ta ya’ if ya’ tell him we love each other and ya’ refuse ta promise not ta love me.”

\t“He could send me away again,” Leo said in a voice so low it was almost a whisper.  “He could strip me of my leadership.”

\t“Who is he gonna give it ta then?  Donny doesn’t want it and sure as shell ain’t suited for it anyway.  Mikey, fuck – Mikey might be a pretty good leader someday, just don’t ever fucking tell him I said that.  He just ain’t mature enough right now.  If Master Splinter tried ta give it ta me I wouldn’t take it.  If I’m gonna be leader, I want it ta be because I earned the title, not because he was punishing ya’.

\t“Ya’ know something else Fearless?  Let him send ya’ away, because I’ll fuckin’ go with ya’.  I was plannin’ on goin’ someplace anyway if I couldn’t love ya’ the way I need ta, so I sure the fuck ain’t sticking around this place if he sends ya’ away from here.  Maybe Mikey and Don will want ta go with us.  Ya’ can be clan leader without Master Splinter making up a different set of rules for ya’ ta follow,” Raph said.

\t“We couldn’t leave Master Splinter alone,” Leo told him.  “He is our Father.”

\t“That’s right, Leo.  He’s our dad and we gotta honor him as such.  But he made ya’ clan leader, and by all rights, that makes your word law, not his.  He can’t strip ya’ of that, it’s a done deal.  Ya’ wanna impress him?  Stand up for yourself over this.  Tell him you’ll give him your word that during a fight our roles won’t change and then honor that promise.  Make me swear ta that same thing in front of him, so he’ll know we’re both on the same page about this.  At some point he’s gotta see ya’ take the reins on something and split off from his way so he’ll know ya’ ain’t Splinter Junior or some clone of his,” Raph said.

\tA light had started to shine behind Leo’s eyes; a light Raph hadn’t seen in a long time.

\t“Do you think he might be testing me?” Leo asked.

\tRaph shrugged.  “I don’t know, but it’s possible ain’t it?  He’s already seen ya’ lead us in plenty of fights, he knows damn well how good ya’ are at that.  Maybe ya’ just need to plan your approach the same way ya’ plan our battles.”

\tLeo took a few steps towards his brother, the lines dropping from his face.  “I don’t want to ignore or hide how I feel about you anymore.”

\tRaph’s eyes squeezed shut as he let his guard down, taking a shaky breath.  “I’ve been hurting Leo,” he admitted when he felt he could open his eyes to look at his brother.  “I’ve been feeling worthless and humiliated.  Ya’ gotta promise something ta me now.  Ya’ gotta promise ya’ won’t ever do that ta me again.”

\tLeo walked the last few steps left between them and wrapped his arms around Raph, holding him close.

\t“I promise you Raphael,” Leo said in a low, strong voice.  “I give you my word of honor that I love you dearly and will never let anything or anyone interfere with that again.  No matter who it is.”

\t“Okay,” Raph said; a corner of his lip lifting.

\tTheir eyes stayed locked as Leo tilted his head and pressed a gentle kiss to Raph’s lips.  They enjoyed that for a moment before opening their mouths and exploring each other in a way they’d never gotten to do before.  For as long as that kiss lasted, Raph felt that he had merged with Leo completely; becoming one entire being rather than a lost and divided soul.

\tWhen the kiss finally broke it was a mutual separation, as though they could read and understand each other beyond the need for words.

\t“I’m guessing that’s the best I can hope for until ya’ talk ta Master Splinter?” Raph asked.

\tLeo smiled for the first time.  “That would probably be the correct route to proceed along,” he acknowledged.  “I don’t want another sewer quickie without lubricant incident to occur ever again.”

\t“How did ya’ even know what ta do, Leo?  I know ya’ told me ya’ read about it, but why were ya’ reading about how ta have sex with a guy?” Raph wanted to know.

\tLeo’s grin was sheepish.  “I told you I’ve been having stronger feelings about you in the last few months.  I was even dreaming about you and in my dreams we were  . . . intimate.  Well, we were trying to be intimate, but we weren’t very successful because I didn’t know what to do.  So I finally looked it up.  I wasn’t really hoping I’d ever get a chance to go all the way with you, but I sort of hoped it would help my dreams finish to a better conclusion.”

\tRaph grinned.  “Ya’ were having wet dreams about me?”

\tLeo laughed at his lecherous look.  “Shut up,” he told his brother.  “Yes, I was having unsatisfactory wet dreams about you.  I would always wake up and have to finish things off by myself.”

\t“Oh,” Raph said in a teasing voice.  “Geez Leo, I never imagined your hand grippin’ anything other than your katana.  Is that how ya’ developed such a nice firm hold?”

\t“I don’t remember you complaining about my hold while we were in the tunnel, Raphael,” Leo said, nipping at Raph’s chin.

\t“Mm, shit Leo,” Raph moaned when Leo’s tongue slid down his throat.  “Go talk ta Master Splinter now, okay?  You’re makin’ me hard, and I want ta know right now if we’re gonna be doin’ this in a sewer tunnel again.”

\tLeo let go of him, and stepped back, his smile firmly in place.

\t“Go wait in my bed,” Leo said, “I’ll be up in a few minutes.”

\tRaph looked hard at him and saw the unwavering resolve on his face beneath the happy smile.  He knew then that Leo was his and they weren’t going to have to leave or hide anymore.

\t“Why your bed Fearless leader?” he asked in the same teasing tone.  “How about my hammock?”

\t“There is no way I am going to try to maneuver in your hammock, Raph,” Leo said.  “I’m the leader and we’ll be sleeping in my bed tonight.  Besides, that’s where the lube is.”

\tRaphael’s delighted laughter followed Leo out of the dojo and then Raph made a quick dash into his bedroom before going to his brother’s.

Excerpt from Raph’s journal:

\t“And we lived happily ever after.  The End.”
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