{ "submission_id": "1865331", "keywords": [ { "keyword_id": "168679", "keyword_name": "bad jokes", "contributed": "f", "submissions_count": "5" }, { "keyword_id": "1226", "keyword_name": "brothers", "contributed": "f", "submissions_count": "7043" }, { "keyword_id": "117", "keyword_name": "comedy", "contributed": "f", "submissions_count": "4008" }, { "keyword_id": "4541", "keyword_name": "donatello", "contributed": "f", "submissions_count": "3570" }, { "keyword_id": "2843", "keyword_name": "humor", "contributed": "f", "submissions_count": "5781" }, { "keyword_id": "470423", "keyword_name": "joke telling", "contributed": "f", "submissions_count": "1" }, { "keyword_id": "26978", "keyword_name": "leonardo", "contributed": "f", "submissions_count": "4196" }, { "keyword_id": "5244", "keyword_name": "males", "contributed": "f", "submissions_count": "44078" }, { "keyword_id": "3607", "keyword_name": "michelangelo", "contributed": "f", "submissions_count": "2950" }, { "keyword_id": "75542", "keyword_name": "ninja turtles", "contributed": "f", "submissions_count": "1481" }, { "keyword_id": "470424", "keyword_name": "none of them can focus", "contributed": "f", "submissions_count": "1" }, { "keyword_id": "16233", "keyword_name": "raphael", "contributed": "f", "submissions_count": "4637" }, { "keyword_id": "408859", "keyword_name": "rise of the tmnt", "contributed": "f", "submissions_count": "644" }, { "keyword_id": "23646", "keyword_name": "splinter", "contributed": "f", "submissions_count": "1007" }, { "keyword_id": "18653", "keyword_name": "teenage mutant ninja turtles", "contributed": "f", "submissions_count": "5841" }, { "keyword_id": "3606", "keyword_name": "tmnt", "contributed": "f", "submissions_count": "9300" }, { "keyword_id": "441091", "keyword_name": "tmnt2k18", "contributed": "f", "submissions_count": "11" }, { "keyword_id": "14477", "keyword_name": "turtles", "contributed": "f", "submissions_count": "4247" } ], "hidden": "f", "scraps": "f", "favorite": "f", "favorites_count": "7", "create_datetime": "2019-04-18 22:21:46.332754+00", "create_datetime_usertime": "19 Apr 2019 00:21 CEST", "last_file_update_datetime": "2019-04-18 22:16:33.941615+00", "last_file_update_datetime_usertime": "19 Apr 2019 00:16 CEST", "username": "hummerhouse", "user_id": "54734", "user_icon_file_name": "19508_hummerhouse_raphael.gif", "user_icon_url_large": "https://nl1.ib.metapix.net/usericons/large/19/19508_hummerhouse_raphael.gif", "user_icon_url_medium": "https://nl1.ib.metapix.net/usericons/medium/19/19508_hummerhouse_raphael.gif", "user_icon_url_small": "https://nl1.ib.metapix.net/usericons/small/19/19508_hummerhouse_raphael.gif", "file_name": "2681053_hummerhouse_no_joke.doc", "file_url_full": "https://nl1.ib.metapix.net/files/full/2681/2681053_hummerhouse_no_joke.doc", "file_url_screen": "https://nl1.ib.metapix.net/files/screen/2681/2681053_hummerhouse_no_joke.doc", "file_url_preview": "https://nl1.ib.metapix.net/files/preview/2681/2681053_hummerhouse_no_joke.doc", "thumbnail_url_huge": "https://nl1.ib.metapix.net/thumbnails/huge/2681/2681053_hummerhouse_no_joke.jpg", "thumbnail_url_large": "https://nl1.ib.metapix.net/thumbnails/large/2681/2681053_hummerhouse_no_joke.jpg", "thumbnail_url_medium": "https://nl1.ib.metapix.net/thumbnails/medium/2681/2681053_hummerhouse_no_joke.jpg", "thumb_huge_x": "300", "thumb_huge_y": "188", "thumb_large_x": "200", "thumb_large_y": "125", "thumb_medium_x": "120", "thumb_medium_y": "75", "files": [ { "file_id": "2681053", "file_name": "2681053_hummerhouse_no_joke.doc", "file_url_full": "https://nl1.ib.metapix.net/files/full/2681/2681053_hummerhouse_no_joke.doc", "file_url_screen": "https://nl1.ib.metapix.net/files/screen/2681/2681053_hummerhouse_no_joke.doc", "file_url_preview": "https://nl1.ib.metapix.net/files/preview/2681/2681053_hummerhouse_no_joke.doc", "mimetype": "application/msword", "submission_id": "1865331", "user_id": "54734", "submission_file_order": "0", "full_size_x": null, "full_size_y": null, "screen_size_x": null, "screen_size_y": null, "preview_size_x": null, "preview_size_y": null, "initial_file_md5": "132d9dc5974bbe03547438e10a5097f0", "full_file_md5": "132d9dc5974bbe03547438e10a5097f0", "large_file_md5": "", "small_file_md5": "", "thumbnail_md5": "a430786e87425d4462a8ee5fc5e0de1e", "deleted": "f", "create_datetime": "2019-04-18 22:16:33.941615+00", "create_datetime_usertime": "19 Apr 2019 00:16 CEST", "thumbnail_url_huge": "https://nl1.ib.metapix.net/thumbnails/huge/2681/2681053_hummerhouse_no_joke.jpg", "thumbnail_url_large": "https://nl1.ib.metapix.net/thumbnails/large/2681/2681053_hummerhouse_no_joke.jpg", "thumbnail_url_medium": "https://nl1.ib.metapix.net/thumbnails/medium/2681/2681053_hummerhouse_no_joke.jpg", "thumb_huge_x": "300", "thumb_huge_y": "188", "thumb_large_x": "200", "thumb_large_y": "125", "thumb_medium_x": "120", "thumb_medium_y": "75" } ], "pools": [], "description": "Disclaimer: The TMNT are not mine. No money being made.\nWord Count: 1,147 one shot 2k18\nRating: G\nSummary: It started out as something else entirely, and then he got sidetracked. \n\n~~My first go at storytelling in the Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles verse.", "description_bbcode_parsed": "Disclaimer: The TMNT are not mine. No money being made.
Word Count: 1,147 one shot 2k18
Rating: G
Summary: It started out as something else entirely, and then he got sidetracked.

~~My first go at storytelling in the Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles verse.", "writing": "\t``Leo, if you don't get a handle on that damn sword . . . .'' Raph began.\n\n\tMikey gasped. ``You said a bad word.''\n\n\t``No I didn't,'' Raph said, flushing crimson.\n\n\t``Yes you did,'' Leo said, his grin wide.\n\n\t``Nope, I did not,'' Raph insisted.\n\n\t``You heard him, right Donnie?'' Mikey asked, turning to the genius.\n\n\tDon was seated with his back to his brothers, typing away on his smart phone. Lifting a hand, he waved in their direction without looking at them.\n\n\t``Not only did I hear it, I recorded it,'' Don said.\n\n\t``Ha!'' Leo yelped triumphantly. ``Proof!''\n\n\t``Don't change the subject,'' Raph said with a frown. ``We were talking about you and your portal mistakes.''\n\n\t``I get it!'' Mikey chirped, jumping up and down in front of his older brother. ``Handle, sword. Good one, Raph!''\n\n\t``I wasn't making a joke!'' Raph shouted.\n\n\t``That's good to know,'' Don said as he took a selfie. ``It wasn't very funny.''\n\n\tRaph shot a dirty look at his brother's soft shell. ``I know how to tell jokes.''\n\n\t``You are a terrible joke teller,'' Leo said. ``You never remember the punch line.''\n\n\t``I do too,'' Raph asserted.\n\n\t``Oh, really?'' Don asked, spinning around to face his brother. Setting an elbow on his knee, he rested his chin on the palm of his hand and said, ``Tell us a joke.''\n\n\tRaph's eyes darted from left to right, droplets of sweat rolling down his face. ``Um, ah . . . ., I . . . .''\n\n\t``You don't know any, do you?'' Leo asked with a smirk.\n\n\t``Just give me a minute,'' Raph said.\n\n\t``Yeah, give him a minute,'' Mikey said. Glancing at the expression on Raph's face, he added, ``Maybe give him two minutes.''\n\n\t``I've got one!'' Raph exclaimed triumphantly, snapping his fingers. ``Okay, okay, listen up. So, these three mutants escaped from . . . somewhere see, and they were out in a desert . . . .''\n\n\t``How did they get to the desert?'' Don asked.\n\n\t``That wouldn't be where I'd want to escape to,'' Leo said.\n\n\t``It doesn't matter how they got there,'' Raph said in what he hoped was a firm tone. ``Let me finish.''\n\n\t``Let him finish,'' Mikey said. ``Go ahead, Raph.''\n\n\t``Thank you,'' Raph said. He took a deep breath and then released it. ``The three mutants walked across the desert and the first mutant said, `I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat.''\n\n\t``What kind of bread was it?'' Leo asked. He held his fingers an inch apart. ``If it was one of those tiny rolls he'll still be hungry.''\n\n\t``I must agree with Leon,'' Don said. ``The small rolls will not sate the appetite . . . .''\n\n\t``Will you two stop?'' Raph demanded. ``It's not my joke telling that's the problem, it's your joke listening.''\n\n\t``There's a right and wrong way to listen to a joke?'' Mikey asked, his eyes wide. ``All this time I've been doing it the wrong way!''\n\n\t``There, there, Michael,'' Don said, using one of his mechanical hands to pat his brother's shell. ``Your listening skills are exceptional.''\n\n\t``Yeah, it's Raph's joke telling that's the problem,'' Leo said. ``I mean, we've been here for forty-seven minutes and he still hasn't gotten to the point.''\n\n\t``It has not been forty-seven minutes,'' Raph proclaimed.\n\n\tDon glanced at his watch. ``It has been twelve point thirteen minutes.''\n\n\t``Why is it taking you so long to tell this joke?'' Leo asked.\n\n\t``Because you keep interrupting!'' Raph yelled. To himself he muttered, ``Okay, Raph, calm down, ignore them, tell the joke.''\n\n\t``Twelve point twenty-five minutes,'' Don said.\n\n\tRaph glared at him, to which Don merely shrugged. ``The second mutant,'' Raph said, the look on his face defying anyone to interrupt, ``said `I brought a jug of water, so when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink.''\n\n\t``It has been determined that a person can survive much longer without food than they can without water,'' Don said. ``The mutant with the water will most certainly live longer.''\n\n\t``Why don't they share?'' Mikey asked. ``I would totally share.''\n\n\t``Ah, Miguel, you are too kind hearted,'' Leo said.\n\n\t``The food and water are not the point of this joke,'' Raph snapped.\n\n\t``What is the point of this joke?'' Don asked.\n\n\t``If you all would let me finish, you'd find out,'' Raph said.\n\n\tLeo wiggled his fingers in Raph's face. ``By all means, do finish. I'm growing old.''\n\n\tRaph growled at him and Leo winked. Running a palm over his face, Raph continued. ``The third mutant puffed out his chest, feeling so much smarter than the other two. There was a smug look on his face . . . .''\n\n\t``Kinda like the one Donnie always has,'' Leo said. ``Know-it-all.''\n\n\t``You are confusing smug with contempt,'' Don shot back. ``Didn't this whole conversation start with your inability to control the portal power of your odachi?''\n\n\t``I thought it started because Raph said a bad word,'' Mikey said, looking confused.\n\n\t``It started because I can't tell a joke!'' Raph shouted. ``No, wait . . . .''\n\n\t``I do wish you would tell this one,'' Don said. ``I do have other business to which I must attend.''\n\n\tRaising his voice, Raph began talking fast. ``The third mutant said, `I brought a car door so that if I get hot, I can roll down the window.''\n\n\tHe stopped and looked expectantly at his brothers. All three of them stared back.\n\n\t``Oh,'' Don finally said. ``Was that the joke?''\n\n\t``Yes that was the joke! Don't you get it?'' Raph asked.\n\n\t``Not really,'' Leo said, scratching his chin.\n\n\t``Desert . . . heat . . . roll down the window?'' Raph held his hands out. ``Come on guys, it was funny.''\n\n\t``Ha, ha, ha, ha! I get it now!'' Master Splinter said. He was standing in the doorway. ``Good one, Red.''\n\n\tClasping his hands behind his back, he walked away, chuckling to himself.\n\n\t``I still don't get it,'' Mikey complained. ``I liked the handle and sword joke better.''\n\n\t``That one wasn't a joke!'' Raph yelled, waving his arms in the air.\n\n\t``Whatever,'' Leo said, heading for the kitchen. ``I want pizza. Anybody else want pizza?''\n\n\t``Sounds good,'' Don said, jumping up from the floor to follow his brother.\n\n\tShoulders slumped, Raph's arms and head dangling dejectedly. Mikey stopped to pat his shell. ``It's okay, Raphie. We can't all be the funny one. You should stick to the serious stuff, like talking to Leo about his portals.''\n\n\tRaph scowled as Mikey walked off, humming to himself. ``That's what I was trying to do.''\n\n\tThe younger turtle paused to look back. ``Then maybe skip the handle and sword jokes next time. You totally changed the subject.''\n\n\t``But I wasn't . . . .'' Raph stopped as Mikey disappeared from sight. ``I give up.''\n\n", "writing_bbcode_parsed": "\t``Leo, if you don't get a handle on that damn sword . . . .'' Raph began.

\tMikey gasped.  ``You said a bad word.''

\t``No I didn't,'' Raph said, flushing crimson.

\t``Yes you did,'' Leo said, his grin wide.

\t``Nope, I did not,'' Raph insisted.

\t``You heard him, right Donnie?'' Mikey asked, turning to the genius.

\tDon was seated with his back to his brothers, typing away on his smart phone.  Lifting a hand, he waved in their direction without looking at them.

\t``Not only did I hear it, I recorded it,'' Don said.

\t``Ha!'' Leo yelped triumphantly.  ``Proof!''

\t``Don't change the subject,'' Raph said with a frown.  ``We were talking about you and your portal mistakes.''

\t``I get it!'' Mikey chirped, jumping up and down in front of his older brother.  ``Handle, sword.  Good one, Raph!''

\t``I wasn't making a joke!'' Raph shouted.

\t``That's good to know,'' Don said as he took a selfie.  ``It wasn't very funny.''

\tRaph shot a dirty look at his brother's soft shell.  ``I know how to tell jokes.''

\t``You are a terrible joke teller,'' Leo said.  ``You never remember the punch line.''

\t``I do too,'' Raph asserted.

\t``Oh, really?'' Don asked, spinning around to face his brother.  Setting an elbow on his knee, he rested his chin on the palm of his hand and said, ``Tell us a joke.''

\tRaph's eyes darted from left to right, droplets of sweat rolling down his face.  ``Um, ah . . . ., I . . . .''

\t``You don't know any, do you?'' Leo asked with a smirk.

\t``Just give me a minute,'' Raph said.

\t``Yeah, give him a minute,'' Mikey said.  Glancing at the expression on Raph's face, he added, ``Maybe give him two minutes.''

\t``I've got one!'' Raph exclaimed triumphantly, snapping his fingers.  ``Okay, okay, listen up.  So, these three mutants escaped from . . . somewhere see, and they were out in a desert . . . .''

\t``How did they get to the desert?'' Don asked.

\t``That wouldn't be where I'd want to escape to,'' Leo said.

\t``It doesn't matter how they got there,'' Raph said in what he hoped was a firm tone.  ``Let me finish.''

\t``Let him finish,'' Mikey said.  ``Go ahead, Raph.''

\t``Thank you,'' Raph said.  He took a deep breath and then released it.  ``The three mutants walked across the desert and the first mutant said, `I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat.''

\t``What kind of bread was it?'' Leo asked.  He held his fingers an inch apart.  ``If it was one of those tiny rolls he'll still be hungry.''

\t``I must agree with Leon,'' Don said.  ``The small rolls will not sate the appetite . . . .''

\t``Will you two stop?'' Raph demanded.  ``It's not my joke telling that's the problem, it's your joke listening.''

\t``There's a right and wrong way to listen to a joke?'' Mikey asked, his eyes wide.  ``All this time I've been doing it the wrong way!''

\t``There, there, Michael,'' Don said, using one of his mechanical hands to pat his brother's shell.  ``Your listening skills are exceptional.''

\t``Yeah, it's Raph's joke telling that's the problem,'' Leo said.  ``I mean, we've been here for forty-seven minutes and he still hasn't gotten to the point.''

\t``It has not been forty-seven minutes,'' Raph proclaimed.

\tDon glanced at his watch.  ``It has been twelve point thirteen minutes.''

\t``Why is it taking you so long to tell this joke?'' Leo asked.

\t``Because you keep interrupting!'' Raph yelled.  To himself he muttered, ``Okay, Raph, calm down, ignore them, tell the joke.''

\t``Twelve point twenty-five minutes,'' Don said.

\tRaph glared at him, to which Don merely shrugged.  ``The second mutant,'' Raph said, the look on his face defying anyone to interrupt, ``said `I brought a jug of water, so when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink.''

\t``It has been determined that a person can survive much longer without food than they can without water,'' Don said.  ``The mutant with the water will most certainly live longer.''

\t``Why don't they share?'' Mikey asked.  ``I would totally share.''

\t``Ah, Miguel, you are too kind hearted,'' Leo said.

\t``The food and water are not the point of this joke,'' Raph snapped.

\t``What is the point of this joke?'' Don asked.

\t``If you all would let me finish, you'd find out,'' Raph said.

\tLeo wiggled his fingers in Raph's face.  ``By all means, do finish.  I'm growing old.''

\tRaph growled at him and Leo winked.  Running a palm over his face, Raph continued.  ``The third mutant puffed out his chest, feeling so much smarter than the other two.  There was a smug look on his face . . . .''

\t``Kinda like the one Donnie always has,'' Leo said.  ``Know-it-all.''

\t``You are confusing smug with contempt,'' Don shot back.  ``Didn't this whole conversation start with your inability to control the portal power of your odachi?''

\t``I thought it started because Raph said a bad word,'' Mikey said, looking confused.

\t``It started because I can't tell a joke!'' Raph shouted.  ``No, wait . . . .''

\t``I do wish you would tell this one,'' Don said.  ``I do have other business to which I must attend.''

\tRaising his voice, Raph began talking fast.  ``The third mutant said, `I brought a car door so that if I get hot, I can roll down the window.''

\tHe stopped and looked expectantly at his brothers.  All three of them stared back.

\t``Oh,'' Don finally said.  ``Was that the joke?''

\t``Yes that was the joke!  Don't you get it?'' Raph asked.

\t``Not really,'' Leo said, scratching his chin.

\t``Desert . . . heat . . . roll down the window?''  Raph held his hands out.  ``Come on guys, it was funny.''

\t``Ha, ha, ha, ha!  I get it now!'' Master Splinter said.  He was standing in the doorway.  ``Good one, Red.''

\tClasping his hands behind his back, he walked away, chuckling to himself.

\t``I still don't get it,'' Mikey complained.  ``I liked the handle and sword joke better.''

\t``That one wasn't a joke!'' Raph yelled, waving his arms in the air.

\t``Whatever,'' Leo said, heading for the kitchen.  ``I want pizza.  Anybody else want pizza?''

\t``Sounds good,'' Don said, jumping up from the floor to follow his brother.

\tShoulders slumped, Raph's arms and head dangling dejectedly.  Mikey stopped to pat his shell.  ``It's okay, Raphie.  We can't all be the funny one.  You should stick to the serious stuff, like talking to Leo about his portals.''

\tRaph scowled as Mikey walked off, humming to himself.  ``That's what I was trying to do.''

\tThe younger turtle paused to look back.  ``Then maybe skip the handle and sword jokes next time.  You totally changed the subject.''

\t``But I wasn't . . . .'' Raph stopped as Mikey disappeared from sight.  ``I give up.''

", "pools_count": 0, "title": "No Joke", "deleted": "f", "public": "t", "mimetype": "application/msword", "pagecount": "1", "rating_id": "0", "rating_name": "General", "ratings": [], "submission_type_id": "12", "type_name": "Writing - Document", "guest_block": "f", "friends_only": "f", "comments_count": "6", "views": "312" }