Jeffy Rolling Star
“Fuckin’ hell.” Jeffy walked in the door, exhausted from his work day. His messy apartment was a welcome sight after the double shift at the factory. Clothes on the floor, a few pizza boxes stacked up by the coffee table, and the smell of unwashed dishes. “I don’t care.” Friday shifts were always a pain in the ass. The presses always seemed to know that people had very little patience on Friday and constantly broke down. The alarms from press 37 rang in his head. It sounded all damn day, and no shift lead came to turn the alarm off.
But that was fine. Before Jeffy went to work, he visited the dispensary and got his new strain. He had signed up for a testing position and would be paid handsomely to record its effects. He had even taken the weekend off, to his boss’s chagrin. Jeffy could imagine him finding someone to run his presses as well as he did, and of course, no one could.
Jeffy sat down with his massive bag of fast food. There's nothing like some greasy slop while you’re enjoying yourself for the weekend. The couch was covered with clothes, the topmost layer of which had various food stains. Opening the small box that the new strain came in, he looked at it. It was a deep shade of blue. He had seen strains that were purple before but never one that was straight-up blue. No seeds, either. This must be quality stuff.
He reached for his pipe. It was his favorite shade of blue/purple. He hadn’t scraped the resin from inside in a long while, but this wouldn’t affect the results, probably. Stuffing an ample amount into the chamber, he found a working lighter from the scattered Bic’s on the messy table. “Light it up, man.” The hit was deep. Jeffy quickly felt it hit his system and flow through his body. Euphoria swirled around him as he felt content, all stress from the day immediately disappearing. All senses were dampened as it felt like he was sinking into the couch, becoming part of it. The flickering light on his ceiling began strobing. “Whoa, this is strong stuff.” He took another hit, a deeper one.
Suddenly, a deep throbbing sensation filled Jeffy’s body. He looked at his arm, and it was turning blue. “Wow,” he reached for his phone. “I’m already seeing hallucinogenic effects.” Opening his notes app, he dictated his notes by voice. “Immediately after taking a hit, I’m freaking out!” His arms began to inflate as if he were being pumped full of fat. “My arms are, like, filling up with stuff.” It wasn’t just his arms, either. His legs and torso were following suit. Soon, his dirty, grey work shirt began to stretch, squeezing his sides.
“I can’t reach my food.” Leaning over, he tried to grab his food bag, but it was just out of reach. His hot, juicy, greasy, and delectable burgers were out of reach but so close. “Come here, little dudes. Papa wants to eat you.” His stomach shook as it grumbled, smelling the hot beef, melty cheese, and smokey bacon just out of reach. “Come, here!” His shirt ripped, sending shreds of fabric flying through the room, adding to the mess. The jeans weren’t far behind, releasing nearly double the pressure. Underneath his jeans was a poofy, white diaper. The crinkling of it was hypnotic to Jeffy. He had forgotten that he put one on before work today. It was the secret to his productivity.
Jeffy wasn’t able to see it, though. His body fat soon blocked all vision past his inflating chest. And how blue he was! “The trip is over the top!” He shouted, hoping his phone would pick it up. The documentation was a key part of his pay for this testing. “I’m turning into a blueberry, man! Johnny Depp warned me about this!” His arms were nothing but stubby little digits that stuck out mere inches from his rotund body, as were his feet. His head was now engulfed by blue body fat. “I can’t move!”
Oh good. You found the replacement Katamari.
A deep, royal voice echoed through Jeffy’s head. He searched as best he could, but his limited vision only showed him his ceiling and light fixtures.
Remember, young prince, we expect a smooth, round, 300m Katamari from you.
“What?” This was the least of his worries. Jeffy started rolling forward. “Oh no!” He was gonna crush his coffee table. But the crunching sound and the sensation of splintering wood never came. All he heard was a *bloink* as his table stuck to his body. “This trip is beyond amazing!” Jeffy continued rolling around the house, picking up clothes, pizza boxes, kitchen appliances, and other objects. “I needed to clean anyway.” Every crumb, can of soda, and object that was lost amongst the clothes and food wrappers stuck to the Katamari.
As his house was clean and sparkling, Jeffy thought he was done. He couldn’t see too much die to being covered by a variety of things.
*Ding Dong*
The doorbell rang, and there was knocking on the door. “Jeffy! JEFFY! Open up, you fucker!” A playful voice spilled in through the opening door. “Knock knock, bitch!” A short bear with spiked blond hair was here for a visit, but he had no idea what was about to happen. “Yo, sup-“ He stopped dead in his tracks. “What the hell is that?!” He stood in the doorway, bearing witness to the Jeffymari that had cleaned up Jeffy’s house.
“Kenny?” Jeffy shouted from underneath the mess. But too late. The Katamari soon started rolling in his direction. Jeffy heard a girly scream and felt some extra weight added to the Katamari. “Kenny, you good?”
“Fuck no, I’m not!” He was stuck to the ball, unable to move a finger. “What the hell is this, shit?”
“It’s a Katamari. Well, technically, it’s me.”
“A what?”
“Eh, nevermind.” While they bickered, the Jeffy Katamari rolled through the wall, picking up drywall fragments and scaffolding. It picked up the entire wall in fact, then the other walls, and the ceiling! Soon, Jeffy’s house was nothing but debris scattered about his body. “Ah man, I jerked off in that house.” Sunlight poured onto his body. “And wasn’t it just midnight?!”
“Dude, are you blasted again?” Kenny asked underneath the drywall.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuck, yeah, dude.” Jeffy didn’t question the forces that rolled him. He let whatever happened happen. “What a trip.”
A mere 4 m? You can do better.
Down the road, he rolled. He felt several objects attach to his body: traffic cones, manhole covers, fences, dogs, anything. The prince rolled him over other houses, crushing them as well. If they were home, the residents became well acquainted with Jeffy as they rolled on, picking up everything that crossed their path. A semi-truck knocked them into the road, but he was no match for the oncoming traffic. Car after car joined the Katamari.
“YO! JEFFY!” A raccoon climbed out of the window of his car and clung to the mess. “Jeffy, why are you a Katamari?”
“Who is that?” Jeffy couldn’t see.
“You can’t recognize the voice of the lovely Cosu?”
“Well, I’m high as shit right now, so I’m just rolling with it.” Kenny groaned loudly from underneath layers of stuff.
“Sounds fun. Let me join you.” Cosu accepted his fate. “You having fun?”
“I guess so.”
A loudspeaker was blasting pop music as they entered the town. A deadpan radio host came on. “And that was Fallout Boy Clone #114 with their top ten hit, Infinite.” He let out a long sigh. “Know what? Let’s switch things up. Let’s play some other hits you sheep likely haven’t heard before.” There was an audible shuffling as he found the record he was after. “Here we go. You gamers know this hit. This one’s for you.” Over the city, across the sea, and flowing over the countryside, a familiar, light tune filled the air.
Hidamari sansan
Kokoro wa haremoyou
Futatsu no hitomi wa
Himawari no tane no you
“This is my jam!” Jeffy shouted over the screaming of the civilians being sucked up by his Katamari body. He began to sing along.
Your lonely rolling star
Tachidomaranaide nee
Your lonely rolling star
Saa mae wo muite yukou
“You’re an idiot!” Kenny screamed underneath layers of stuff. Cosu didn’t care, though; he joined in singing as Jeffy rolled along, altering the lyrics for their situation.
Your Jeffy rolling star
Akiraenaide yo nee
Your Jeffy rolling star
Tama ni wa denwa shite
50 m? Meager. Still in diapers.
“Yes, I am!” Jeffy shouted as the city was now rolled up into his Katamari. Suddenly, his tummy began to rumble. As sarcastically as possible, he shouted above the screaming civilians. “Oh no, all this rolling around is causing chaos on my tum-tum.” Taking a deep breath, he pushed all the mush that was inside his body. His diaper filled, pushing the junk in the Katamari outward several meters.
“Oh no!” Cosu shouted, overjoyed to be part of this experience. “Here it comes!” A fluid, juicy, blue liquid began to stain the diaper underneath the stuff in the Katamari. “I didn’t know this was a blueberry Katamari.”
“You know I am!” Jeffy shouted, feeling his diaper stretch farther than it ever did before.
“Aaaaaand that was Lonely Rolling Star, a catchy tune if I ever heard one.” The DJ sounded more chipper. “Next up, how about something upbeat?” The sound of brass and a fast drum beat filled the air.
“I should listen to the radio more often.” Jeffy snorted as he heard another hit flow through the air.
“YOU’RE TELLING ME!” From a nearby hill, a bright blue, plush Kangaroo in an enormous, pure white diaper shouted through a mega-phone. Jeffy recognized the voice immediately. “You didn’t think you could leave me out, did you?”
“Hey, Luv!” Jeffy couldn’t see where Luv was calling, but the voice was distinct enough to recognize from any distance. “Come over here!” Whoever was rolling him didn’t seem to like having anyone left out of the Katamari and began rolling toward Luv. Luv didn’t want to wait and began running down the hill, tossing the megaphone aside. However, he tripped on his large feet and rolled down the hill at sonic speeds. Soaring through the air off a small ramp built into the hill, Luv soared through the air and landed on top of the Katamari. “Hey, man.”
“So, why are you a Katamari?”
“Long story.” The song reached the lyrics. All of his friends in the Katamari knew them. Jeffy roiled on as they all sang along.
Na na~ nanananana~ na~ na~ na~, na~ na~ nana~ na~
Na na~ nanananana~ na~ na~ na~, na~ na~ nana~ na~
DONTO WOORII Do Your Best
PIKUNIKKU kibun Feel So Good
Suteki na AFUTANUUN
Furachi na MIDDONAITO Yeah
Jeffy started picking up entire chunks as they rolled along. His Katamari soon rolled up his town. “What’s left?!” Luv shouted from underneath a chunk of Earth.
“I don’t know. I can still hear the music. We must not have rolled that up yet.” As if the forces rolling him were listening, he started rolling toward the radio tower that sat on the hill. It had miraculously gone untouched while he was rolling up the town. The station was mounted half way up the tower. All while Jeffy was rolling up the town, the DJ was watching, relishing the moment. However, as he got closer and closer, reality struck him.
“Well, folks,” he said into the microphone over the music, “Seems this is the end for me. Hope all of you have a wonderful evening.” Static hit the airwaves. The radio tower was rolled into the Katamari easily. The DJ, a tubby brown rabbit with red hair, tumbled from an open window and onto the Katamari, sealing their fate. “At least I went out with good music.”
“Maxie?” Jeffy asked from under all the junk. “Were you the one playing the jams?”
The rabbit looked flabbergasted as he looked around for the familiar voice. “Was that… Jeffy?”
“Maxie, I’m in here!” Jeffy shouted as they started rolling into the sea, gathering fish, boats, and underwater landmasses.
“Jeffy?!” Maxie was unable to get a better look. Speaking in between the moments he was submerged in water, he asked, “Why are you,” *splash* “so big?!” *splash*
“It’s a long story!” Jeffy shouted, unaffected by the seawater, the junk creating an air-tight seal.
Ohh? What a nice Katamari. 300 m! Quickly! We must take the Royal Rainbow!
A bright, radiant rainbow surrounded the Katamari. “Whoa, dude!” Maxie shouted. “It’s a giant fucking head!”
“Really?” Jeffy asked, unable to see. “What’s it doing?”
Luv was the first to respond. “We’re going to space, man!”
“SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!” Cosu shouted, referencing the wrong game.
Kenny had given up long ago, and was reluctantly accepting whatever nonsense was occurring.
It was cold in space. A booming voice echoed through the cast emptiness.
Hmmm, it’s 300m.
Just this? For the Moon? For the super special moon?
Of course it’s the target size, but how uncreative to just do as you were told.
Let’s make it bigger next time.
“I tried!” Jeffy shouted from underneath all the stuff that he had rolled up. “I was having too much fun!”
“Jeffy, I think that little green guy did it all,” Luv commented. Standing on a gargantuan hand was a small humanoid figure clad in green. His head was wrapped in some tube-shaped object. “I’ve never seen anyone so weird.”
Wait
What is that smell?
Did you roll up a sewage plant?
“Well, that’s just plain rude.” Jeffy was smelling his messed diaper the entire time, and he didn’t mind it one bit.
Oh, well. No one shall smell this smelly, smelly moon in space.
We will now release this into the sky.
“WHAT?!” The five of them screamed. The Katamari floated away from The King of the Cosmos, and into space.
“Jeffy, what have you done?!” Maxie shouted, trying to release his body from its clutches.
“I don’t know,” Luv replied, “I kinda like the idea of being a celestial body.”
Cosu had tears in his eyes. “I am one with the cosmos.”
Lord knows what Kenny was doing; he was buried too deep.
Jeffy suddenly felt very hot, like he was put on a stove to boil. The heat intensified. A bright light flashed before his eyes and blinded him despite being buried by every layer of stuff that he had rolled up. He smiled, knowing he would be the best moon he could. Every night, he would shine down on Earth.
“WHA?!” Jeffy fell from his couch, banging his elbow against the coffee table. “Fuck, dude. Ow.” He rose from the messy floor, brushing clothes from his shoulders. “What time is it?” His phone showed it was 3 PM, the next day. The sun was shining through his windows, cars driving down the road, and birds flying in and out of the trees. “Wow.” He gazed at the blue-tinted nuggets in the box. “You are too powerful.”
He dove in for another clump of weed, bunched it into his pipe, and lit up. Euphoria swirled around him, his senses dampened, and he sunk into the couch once more. “Hehehe,” he giggled stupidly, “I can feel the cosmos.”",
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