Sep 27, 2019
Dear Diary,

It's Jennifer. I've left you alone for a while this time, haven't I, buried in my desk drawer. I've been doing nothing but my daily routine. Over and over, I've been doing it every day, and it's gotten to the point where I feel exhausted and hopeless before I can even make myself roll out of bed in the morning because I know there won't be anything new to look forward to. I'm lost again, and I'm tired of it. The next time I find myself, I promise, I'm going to keep hold of me.

I'm going to start again by writing down everything I can in you. I've got to start making permanent notes of things I really want to get done, otherwise I'll forget. I'm always forgetting things, so maybe it's only my memory that's the problem, not all the rest of me. Maybe it's the very act of writing things down that produces results ten years down the road. So here's my first note.

You can only further existing plans so much. If all you ever do is pick the low-hanging pokéfruit, that's too easy. You'll never accomplish anything profitable. You'll just end up lonely and hollow. If you have to force yourself through every day, maybe that's because you know you're not doing what your heart is aching to. It's no good for you, always clawing away at immovable walls. Sometimes you have to go around them.

If you can align your present behavior just a little bit more each day with the future you really want to imagine, that starts building up. Every time you do something you've expected yourself to do, big or small, you learn how to predict your own behavior better. You can start trusting yourself. Choose wisely what you'll grow in your orchard, till the ground, guard and nurture the trees, and time the harvest right. The next time you look, it'll be like magic. You will find some very useful held items in your bag.

If you plant your trees from the seeds of hope,
they will bear the fruits that make you win.
#Advice #Poetry Ezra#


Sep 28, 2019

I moved on to cleaning out my closet this morning and found the deck of Pokémon tarot cards I tried to give Jasmine when we were kids. I saved up for three months to buy them, and I hid them away at the bottom of my desk drawer under books so Mom and Dad wouldn't find them. When her birthday finally came, she didn't want them. She did like them at first, but then I kept stealing them back from her, pretending I was teaching her how to use them by giving her a bunch of readings. Really, I just wanted to look at all the pretty pictures on them before I had to give them away. I felt like they were mine and like I deserved them just because I'd looked after them. She picked up on it and said I could have them back. I don't think it was a big deal for her, but I still can't look at them without feeling guilty I treated her that way. I've held onto them ever since, hiding them away in moving boxes so I could bury my shame again and again at each new apartment.

I kept thinking about the day I first left home too, as if there was some secret salvation in that memory. I'd only picked Bishop as my starter because I thought Snivy looked the coolest. I didn't know crap. I just wanted out of my house already. Skipping down the path in my stupid bejeweled sneakers, perpetually 17, I didn't think there was any chance of me ever turning into an adult. I still can't wrap my head around it. I've always pushed through my life by running around in circles, pretending not to be scared of what's to come. I'm always forgetting what being a trainer is all about. It's the search, the quest, the exploring, finding magic hidden in the tall grass, where you can't see it until it decides to jump out at you on its own. That's how Angel found me.

I remember the first time I tried to make Angel get in his pokéball. He was scared of it, and I didn't know what to do, so I just let him stay out and struggle to keep with the tall human up on his tiny, little Audino legs. I remember thinking I could eventually train him on the ball. I thought, maybe if I could just get him to go in there a few times in a row, he would get used to it, and everything would just work out. Things never work out the way you're planning if you don't really put any effort into them, though, do they? I've only ever enabled Angel's childishness, letting him get snottier and snottier, because I loved him and treated him exactly how I've always treated myself. It's a habit, a bad habit, but a habit is just an outfit, a formal uniform that you can change out of once you're done repenting.

Screw the training we've done. I suck at my part of it anyway. It's been ten years since I left home, and it's approaching five since we won our second Badge. The competition's too fierce now, everybody knows it, and I'm not going to let myself become someone who has to battle on the street just to pay rent or necessities. We'd probably just end up getting uncoordinated and losing anyway. I'm not going to keep playing a game I'll never win and throwing my life away. I'm in charge of my career. I'm entering the team in a Beauty Contest. We'll keep up the battle training too, but I'm directing us toward something more specialized. I don't care if we've never done it before. I'm doing it because we've never done it before. Anything we don't know already, we're going to learn. People at the top are going to want us. We just need to find our "in." I've still got some tricks up my sleeve, so let's play the game and see if this morning's reading comes true.


Sep 29, 2019

Beauty Contests have their own Leagues, and there aren't any open competitions in Lumiose until February, when they start tryouts for next season. I'm going to need to find a new route now, just when I thought I'd figured out what I was going to do to fix my life. I got really angry this afternoon, when I found that out. Feeling kind of crazy, I went for a jog to clear my head. I think I'm feeling better now anyway, but I made a snap decision while I was angry that's going to have long-lasting consequences. I was going past the Pokémon Centre across from the Museum, and all I could think looking at it was "bills are due tomorrow, better lower costs for next month while I still can."

Good news is, cloud storage is gonna be ₽150 cheaper since I was able to go from the Executive Plan to the Professional Plan. Bad news is, I needed to take 20 monsters out of the PC to get that rate, almost amounting to a third of the team. I'm so stupid. I'm going to need to feed them myself now. Plus, we're all crammed in here now instead. You'd think they could at least get back in their pokéballs to sleep, but I'm guessing it's not very comfortable in those either. I'd want my freedom too after months of being cooped up in a tiny ball. I felt bad kicking them out of the bedroom tonight, but I only have the one.

It was funny, though. Most of them set up their own spaces in the living room using my extra sheets, clotheslines, and the cardboard boxes out of the patio closet that keep piling up between moves, but the tent city wasn't good enough for my brave Gertrude, who refused to help set it up and instead sauntered into the kitchen and claimed the under-sink cabinet as her space so she could commiserate over the hopeless situation with her Salandits in peace. That led to the five other floor-level cabinets getting cleared out and snatched up too. They left the doors open and were sitting in them talking across the aisle with each other like it was a little dormitory. Gertrude eventually opened hers up too and joined in in a relaxed pose. It was cute, and they were so happy just to be around each other. Maybe I should join them sometime, for conversation, and lighten up. Sometimes I can take everything way too harsh.


Sep 30, 2019

Holy shit, coffee shops are amazing. I was going for another jog around the outer ring and caught the rare scent of Alolan beans roasting as I was crossing Hibernal. A new café had just opened up on the corner, so of course I had to stop in. Everybody was so nice in there, and they had a really good coffee artist who did a super cute drawing of Minccino in my Caramel Mini-ccino. I was able to warm up from the windy day, sipping on her while I sank into one of the plush, leather armchairs by the electric fireplace to watch the leaves come down outside. It felt like home enough to make me smile but didn't feel like home enough to make me sad.

I never noticed how many cafés there are around here. You can see on the map how they form this network around the city. I just put it together how they all have message boards too. They must have been the internet before the internet. Even though this place had just opened up and should have been able to get all the newest stuff, it had a real cork message board still, where people had used real pushpins to post flyers and printouts with advertisements and community events. People were going up to it, responding, signing up for things, and ripping off info tabs to take with them for if they were interested later, so I went up to check it out too.

So glad I did. Turns out there is a Beauty Contest happening after all! It just didn't have a website or a shred of online advertising that I could find, which is weird, but whatever. It makes sense. They're less of a League and more of a talent agency getting a head start locating rising stars for next season. I almost didn't get to sign up! The list was full, and if the guy hadn't walked in right then to collect the sheet and told me I could add my name on anyway, I would have been shit outta luck. I said I hope they count me in, and he said don't worry about it, just come on in! So tomorrow I'm taking one Mega Audino, one Wartortle, and one Charmeleon (Angel, Kooper, and Scorch) to the Pokémon Center in Magenta Plaza for a physical exam, to make sure they're healthy enough to compete. This is going to be fun, I hope! I'm not really sure what "LGBTQ+ rights" looks like as a costume theme, though.


Oct 1, 2019

Just got back from the Centre, which was smaller than it looked from the outside but still really nice and well decorated. My three entrants behaved themselves in the exam room, of course, passed with flying colors, and got officially signed up for the Contest. Nurse Joy was the one actually giving the physicals, but the same guy from yesterday at the coffee shop was there too and went into the exam room with us. He stayed the whole time with no explanation, which would have been fine except the way he acted made me nervous.

He was maybe mid 50s, the same pinstripe suit as yesterday, greying black hair with a distinctive style like two stubby horns. I just wasn't comfortable with him there. He looked really mean, and I could have sworn he was stuffing his pants because it was big and disgusting like a python down his right pant leg, and he kept getting in the way, so I kept having to look at it. There was a picture of him on the signup sheet, so maybe he's the head of the Contest or something, but I could have sworn I'd seen his face somewhere before yesterday too. Maybe he's someone important at the Tower since that's where the Contest Stage is.

No way to check now anyway. I don't know what his name is, and I don't have a copy of the sheet. Anyway, Diary, just to let you know, I won't have time to write for the next couple of weeks. I didn't know about the Contest till the last minute, and I'll probably be facing off against teams who have been working on their routines already. Should have it done within two weeks. I promise I'll only do a few 18-hour days.


Oct 9, 2019

Fuck yeah! Thanks for waiting so patiently! I've got both the costume designs and the choreography finalized now and can start making them while combining rehearsal into daily training. We'll be cutting it close, but we'll be fine as long as we keep on schedule. The Contest is exactly three weeks away now, starting with prelims. Anyways, I bet I can start paying attention to you again, Diary. Did you miss me? Or are you really just a book?


Oct 10, 2019

I don't think it's wrong to want Angel to wear his Audinite all day, do you? I feel kind of bad, though, right? Anna keeps looking at me and him funny, and Angel does make it sound like he even has problems walking around with it sometimes, like he can't control himself. I feel he needs to train with it on, though, especially if he wants to be a Mega permanently like he says he does. It's a Trainer's job to push their pokémon out of their comfort zones and into success!

I am wondering if he's getting too stressed out, though. It's a lot all at once. This is the second straight week he's been in Mega Form morning till bedtime with no breaks. He can totally handle it physically. He'd have a billion HP on a trading card. It's just that he needs calm focus to make it work too, and he's not good at that part. He's been getting disobedient again and egotistical over his appearance and how the rest of the team is "supposed" to treat him. Today's tantrum was more than a little one, and just guess what it was about. The Angel-and-Anna saga continues.

Come to think of it, remember how it was when we caught her? It was Angel who insisted we follow her through the grass and then begged me to let him throw the ball at the end because he wanted to “catch the cute Mawile” himself. He's had a crush on her from the moment he laid eyes on her. I know she saw it right away, and she's never seemed to like him too much, but Angel doesn't know that, and they keep having fights. She's never going to push him to admit his feelings, and he knows she'll bite his head off if he pushes her too far, possibly literally, so they're stuck in the mire together.

You want to know what I think? I think he should grow a pair and ask her out. I think he needs to learn how to be man enough to get turned down. If he doesn't, he'll never learn what he wants or who's right for him. God knows that's still my problem, at 27 years old. I think I'm going to redesign his diet when I have the money for it. Maybe it'll be easier for him to change his own attitude if he loses some weight.


Oct 12, 2019

Second Angel-and-Anna entry. Today Angel got his first erection while I was cooling the two of them down after a spar. Anna didn't deal with it very well, growling at him with one mouth and flatlining with the other. I expected that reaction from her. She's two years younger than he is, and she's never really gotten over her trauma from being mated in the wild before she was ready. Angel, however, got scared to tears, and I had to calm him down in my room with the door locked until he stopped shaking and he was sure his dick wouldn't come back out. I doubt I can spar the two of them from now on because of all the sexual tension, at least not until something resolves itself naturally.

At least I know becoming a Mega isn't Angel's real problem now. Normally in the wild, pokémon will grow up with friends who figure out about sex together as they mature, but you know. Angel was still too young at the time when I caught him. Now that he's ready, the friends he used to have on the team aren't hanging around him anymore. I'm probably going to have to teach him to masturbate myself so he can get some relief. His tantrums are just going to get worse otherwise, and his attitude is going to continue to spoil.

I'm scared of it same as he is, though. I didn't think I'd ever end up dealing with this kind of thing personally. I'm not a breeder, and the rest of my team can all take care of the sexy stuff themselves. Angel and I didn't really have anybody but ourselves showing them how to live our lives. That's why I've always felt the most sorry for him, but maybe I should feel sorry for the ones who did have families for me to steal them from. God, Diary, why do trainers have to do things like that? I know I don't talk about it much anymore, but thank you for listening to me rant all those times. You're patient, and you don't ever give me all the advice I don't need like my friends used to. I think I might trust you more than anyone I've ever known. Maybe that has something to do with my depression.

They always act like you're just crazy, don't they? But isn't depression usually because of something real that you feel is going wrong with your life, something that you're not doing anything about precisely because you're depressed about it, so it never gets changed? Yeah, now that I write that down, it just sounds like I'm manufacturing my own bullshit so I can continue to blame myself for something I can't fix. I wonder if not doing that anymore is what they mean by "wake up" and "get woke" and all those terms that make it sound like such a freaking easy process. It's not. It takes time to bring plans to fruition. Still, if I don't start trying to fix things now, while I am depressed, I'm never not going to be depressed, isn't that right? That's right.


Oct 13, 2019

I was going to do something about it but took the coward's way out. I was going to have "the talk" with Angel, but the conversation went wrong from the start, and all I actually said about it was as he was leaving, "just tell me the next time what happened in the sparring room happens and I'll explain everything." He crossed his arms and huffed at me before he turned tail and walked away. I'm sorry, Angel. I would have been really embarrassed too.

He didn't say anything, but I think under that blush he just really wanted to know what was going on with him right away. I felt really bad, but then I realized I had things to take care of first before I could show him, one of which is finding a clean way to do it. I could put it in a condom, but I don't think that would be very pleasurable for him. I don't like the idea of touching it directly though either, as much as I know you'd like that. Sorry, Angel.

I also found out Anna knew about his erections and chose not to tell me for over two weeks. I only just started to reprimand her when she teared up and ran away. Maybe there are some things upsetting her too, more than I can know.


Oct 16, 2019

I think I've got the costumes ready! They're lovely and tight, just like three very gay boys' outfits should be. Kooper and Scorch took to their cut-off jeans right away. As for Angel, I've got some girly stuff for him and a plan to bring out his inner Fairy. Wish me luck!


Oct 17, 2019

I did it! I got Angel hooked on his costume! Most of it, anyway. I left the whole business for him to find folded up on my dresser, and then I asked him to help me move my standing mirror from by the door to left of the dresser, which is in clear view of my closet camera. Then I disappeared into the bathroom to spy on him through the phone app. Angel did his moving job first like a good boy. He kept glancing over at the costume, though, and then when he couldn't find me to tell me he was done and came back to the bedroom and locked himself in.

He started looking at himself in the mirror first, then he shyly investigated the costume. He avoided his skirt, probably thinking it was mine, but got excited about the pantyhose and put those right on. He even did one bow around his neck and the other around his tail base like in the design! He was so cute! He put his hands on his hips and stood proud, then he spun around, and then he winked at himself and wiggled his tail. Diary, I will not lie to you. I got wet when I saw how good he was going to be in the Contest. I've always teased him for being such a gay little puffball. This time, though, it's how we're gonna win.


Oct 18, 2019

Angel got a hold of a fresh pair of his special white pantyhose somehow and was standing there getting hard in them in the hallway. Good thing I got to him right away, since it was freaking ₽30 for the smallest pack of 4. I was able to pull them off him before they ripped, but Trixie Litten was coming around the kitchen corner at just the right moment to catch us in a bad pose and laughed at us. I'm sure she saw everything, because I did, right up close, and he was much harder than before. Angel, you're kind of magnificent. You're going to make some monster very happy someday.

However, now I'm exceptionally dreading teaching him to jack it. I found out you can hire breeders' assistants for this kind of thing, but again the problem is funds until the Contest happens and I can get my hands on some prize money and rep. I might have to spend the money on therapy, though. I haven't been able to stop thinking about his equipment bouncing when I pulled his hose off him. I'm not a poképhile, but he smelled really strong too. I don't really have friends anymore, and that was the first dick I've been that up close to in a year now. I'm trying not to blame myself so bad, but it feels uncomfortable.


Oct 19, 2019

You know how I've been calling Angel gay to his face for a long time now, like how I tease him about how he's half Fairy type now? Maybe I shouldn't anymore. I feel kinda bad now that I'm actually considering his sexuality. I can observe his behavior, like I know what he likes to eat and things like that, but I'm realizing I've never had serious talks with him or really any of my pokémon about their preferences.

I mean, what if he really is gay? Should it matter to me? Probably not, but I think it does anyway. Since he found out he could, he's been sneaking into my room and getting hard in his costume every day. Nothing seems to turn him on more than being in girly clothes. He gets into my closet and finds the box, and now I have over an hour of lewd security-camera footage of him posing in front of the standing mirror, stretching his pantyhose out.

I have about a week left if I wanna teach him how to jerk it before the Contest, which I see now I actually have to do. I can technically replace the hose if he manages to ruin all four pairs, but I don't want to risk him getting hard on stage.

This is consuming my life. We're doing dress rehearsals now, which I've gone from super excited about to dreading when time rolls around every day. It never comes up explicitly, but Angel's libido is the first thing that comes to mind when I see him now. It's coloring our interactions, and he clearly doesn't believe me when I use "stress" as an excuse for my strange behavior. I have to wonder if he knows I see him posing in the mirror.


Oct 20, 2019

I said fuck it and used the ₽150 I saved from the Pokémon Center this month to buy Angel a masturbation toy. I'd barely heard of fleshlights for humans before today, but I guess a pikachu one got suggested to me because I was looking up breeders that could help with his problem. There were tons of positive reviews from trainers who'd given them to their pokémon, so I braved the website and ordered the right size for him. At least they you don't have to teach your monster how to use the products yourself since there's lube and an instructional magazine included with each order. Don't have to think about that, though.

Whatever, it's all gonna be good now. Just gotta give it to him. That's all it's gotta be, just do it, you know? It's arriving the day after tomorrow. I took a chance and got him a girl one even though they had a boy too. I really hope I made the right choice. I really don't want to have to deal with sending it back.


Oct 22, 2019

It's here, but I freaked out over it and let him go to bed before I could give him the box. I didn't have to tell him anything, just tell him it's a present he needs to open in my room with the door locked then wait out here for him to finish, but I couldn't stop thinking about what I was allowing him to do with it. Maybe I really am worried to find out he's gay if he doesn't like the girl one. Does that make me bad? I'm trying to focus on anything else.


Oct 23, 2019

I gave him the fleshlight, the lube, and the magazine first thing when he got up, after I had opened the box and looked them over pretty carefully, to be safe. The first few pages of the instructions were almost kind of nice, talking about how he could keep it clean all by himself and stuff. They made a big deal of how it's designed to be taken inside a pokéball too, but Angel and pokéball don't mix, of course. It was written in a very matter-of-fact way, and they used outlines to show how various body types could use the product.

That's why I didn't realize what the magazine really was. I almost skipped over the warning for trainers until I spied the big pikachu rear showing through from the next page with tail raised. Thankfully it was censored by the words. I was done after that and just put him in my room with it. I am now in self-imposed exile for as long as he needs.

He seemed to know what it was before he even read the manual. You can't imagine my relief at not having to explain myself, but then again I wasn't the one most under stress in the situation, was I? When you get right down to it, the combination of my inattention and hesitation left poor Angel with blue balls for upwards of a month. I delayed and delayed and was horrible to him. I can't stop thinking I've saddled him with feelings of shame and inadequacy he'll carry for the rest of his life, but it was like, imagine giving your own son a sex toy. You know he needs it, but you don't think of him like that, even though relentless Nature is making you think of him in that context.

I would have been an awful mother, so maybe it's a good thing no guy's ever made it past six months.


Oct 24, 2019

Angel came up to me on his own this morning and asked me if he could "go use it" again. He's such a brave boy. I said yes, of course, and this time I saw how I needed to let him keep hold of it himself from now on. I said he could as long as he cleaned it all up every time and hid it from the other monsters inside his pokéball. We were both amused we'd finally found a use for it.

I had gotten myself super worked up about this whole thing, and now I feel so much better it's unbelievable. I didn't even realize all the stupid things I'd been thinking about the practice. The same way there's nothing wrong with me liking to masturbate, it's normal he likes to do it too. Some of my team have rich sex lives right now, even! I hear Gertrude moaning in her cabinet at all hours, and Kooper and Scorch have been together for like three years and have sex on the kitchen floor every night. I was so used to seeing and ignoring it I didn't even recognize how Angel might want those things too. It took him sticking it in front of my face to get me to understand how much mental distance I'd put between myself and those natural processes.

Human or animal, we're all the same. It does no good to pretend we don't require release of stress and fluids, since that's all it is, along with being a nice way to relax and care for yourself. Just like yesterday, Angel was a lot better after it and couldn't stop smiling, so you tell me what's wrong with that, Society. I wish my parents hadn't made me stop and lectured me the first time, when they walked in on me. I might have grown into a more open person. Then again, their parents probably shamed them like that when they were kids too. They might just have been doing what they thought was right, and it did teach me how to be "naughty" and avoid them when I was doing it so I would learn the appropriate places and times.

Still, I feel way better how I just gave Angel his playtoy. Maybe it was really a gift to both of us. It made me admit what was going on to myself, and now we can both be open about it. I don't even care if he's gay or whatever anymore. Why did I get so strung up about that? I need to concentrate on the Contest.


Oct 25, 2019

Scorch, Kooper, and Angel are all sticking the routine, and it looks great! I'm excited. Coordination is good, and there are no Audino erections springing up as long he goes off in my room before rehearsal. We might finally really be getting somewhere, as a team this time, and everyone is happy. Angel is being a really good boy now, Anna's calmer now that Angel is, and I feel the need to do autumn cleaning before it gets too cold! It's been smelling like a brothel and looking like a junkyard in here. Maybe I shouldn't worry about it, though. The Contest is in a few days, and it's crunch time. I'll tell you how it went as soon as prelims are over, okay?