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", "count": "11", "submission_left_submission_id": "552904", "submission_left_file_name": "724724_blackdragonsama_broken_mikey.doc", "submission_right_submission_id": "554530", "submission_right_file_name": "727082_blackdragonsama_lrl_bleeding_out.jpg", "submission_right_thumbnail_url_huge_noncustom": "https://nl1.ib.metapix.net/files/preview/727/727082_blackdragonsama_lrl_bleeding_out.jpg", "submission_right_thumbnail_url_large_noncustom": "https://nl1.ib.metapix.net/thumbnails/large/727/727082_blackdragonsama_lrl_bleeding_out_noncustom.jpg", "submission_right_thumbnail_url_medium_noncustom": "https://nl1.ib.metapix.net/thumbnails/medium/727/727082_blackdragonsama_lrl_bleeding_out_noncustom.jpg", "submission_right_thumb_medium_noncustom_x": "113", "submission_right_thumb_medium_noncustom_y": "120", "submission_right_thumb_large_noncustom_x": "188", "submission_right_thumb_large_noncustom_y": "200", "submission_right_thumb_huge_noncustom_x": "281", "submission_right_thumb_huge_noncustom_y": "300" } ], "description": "here's leo's part\nit's both the part closest to death and yet it doesn't feel quite as dark to me as the other two did\n\nleo's cracking under the pressure of being a leader and having to think of everything the entire time. it's becoming too much and he has a secret that protects him from breaking.\nat the same time, that secret is his death\n\nit has tcest, because it wouldn't be me if there wasn't any porn.\n\n\ni will not tolerate any insensitive comments about suicide or depressions, self-harm or the like.", "description_bbcode_parsed": "here's leo's part
it's both the part closest to death and yet it doesn't feel quite as dark to me as the other two did

leo's cracking under the pressure of being a leader and having to think of everything the entire time. it's becoming too much and he has a secret that protects him from breaking.
at the same time, that secret is his death

it has tcest, because it wouldn't be me if there wasn't any porn.


i will not tolerate any insensitive comments about suicide or depressions, self-harm or the like.", "writing": "It was late. \n\nI couldn't tell exactly what time it was, not that it really mattered. It was late, possibly somewhere around midnight, when I pulled myself out of the stiff position I usually meditated in. \n\nGroaning at the soundless creaking of my joints, I stretched, aiming to loosen tight muscles after sitting still for hours. \n\nMeditating. \n\nIt helped clear my head, jumbled thoughts, worries, half-planned strategies, they all became distant and silent. If only for a few, precious moments, but it helped me calm down, focus on what was most important. \n\nIn a way, I think, it is a method of escape. \n\nIt hasn't always been like this. \n\nBefore, meditation was exactly what it was supposed to be. A technique to temporarily remove all the noise of insignificant thoughts, the rambling of one's mind, to focus purely on a single matter. It had helped me find answers to problems, to see details, angles, I might have missed before, gain insight to complicated strategies. \n\nLately... all the reason I have to meditate is to leave the weight behind. \n\nThe weight of responsibility, the worry of and about my brothers, the questions I see in their eyes, the expectations thrown at me. Both from them and from our father. \n\nIt is too much. \n\nI don't resent taking the role as leader. I don't. It came naturally. \n\nBut I resent that I cannot fulfill my duty. \n\nI am giving it my all. But I'm failing. \n\nIt's just too much. \n\nSilently, I made my way from the dojo over to my own room. It was dark. My brothers were hopefully asleep, even though I had a suspicion that it wasn't the case. None of us got proper rest much anymore. \n\nI passed Mikey's room and was glad to not find any light or sound coming from it. There was only a sense of calm wafting through the door. My baby brother was sleeping. It seemed peaceful enough. \n\nSensing auras, moods, it was a gift and a curse. \n\nRight now, I was glad for it, because it put me at rest a tiny bit. I even felt my lips pull into a warm smile, knowing one out of my three brothers was well. \n\nAt least, for a little while. \n\nTurning my head, I decided to check in on the other two. Maybe finding them resting and calm would put me at ease enough to find some rest as well. \n\nWhat a foolish hope. \n\nI snuck towards Donatello's lab doors. They were dark and silent, just like Michelangelo's. But there was none of the serene calm of a peaceful sleep within. \n\nDonnie was restless. Likely, he was brooding over some gadget or experiment. He wasn't working, there wasn't any sound from within. His equipment was shut down, as it should be, for the night. \n\nBut his mind wasn't. \n\nHe was intelligent. Brilliant, even. A creative genius. \n\nBut I knew.\n\nLike my enhanced senses, his gift was a curse.\n\nI was aware of his burden. Nobody but him could solve the puzzles they faced.\n\nShaking my head, I heard myself sigh. \n\nI wanted to comfort him, order him to go and get some rest. But I knew it would be an empty order. I couldn't tell him to do the impossible. \n\nAnd really, I couldn't bring myself to muster the energy. \n\nI didn't want to deal with this right now. \n\nNot right now. \n\nMorning would come, hopefully after at least a few hours of sleep, and I would come to him to offer my support. It would have to do.\n\nI knew it wouldn't be enough, but whatever help I could offer, I would give.\n\nWith another sigh, feeling the small feeling of relief at Mikey's calm crumble to dust at Donatello's restlessness, I made my way over to Raphael's room. \n\nThis time, however, I stopped before I even reached the door. \n\nRaphael and I have always had a special connection. It was stronger between us than it was for anyone else in this family. \n\nI didn't need to go any closer to feel the sparking anger from within. It throbbed off my brother in dizzying waves and the longer I allowed myself to stay and feel them wash over me, the dizzier I became. \n\nNo.\n\nNo, I really could not deal with this. I was too exhausted. \n\nAnd yet... Yet, I longed to be with him. \n\nRaphael had a way of making me forget about my worries. Almost more than meditating did. \n\nWhenever he's close to me, his presence demands absolute attention. It's nothing he did consciously. It's his nature. Raphael is strength, power, raw emotions that are so very intent on sweeping you away. \n\nEven more so for me than for my brothers. \n\nIt is sometimes so very hard to resist the pull of his anger in battle, his wrath and worry when one of us is in danger, his passion in everything he does. \n\nHe and I have always had this special connection. \n\nNot only our spirits. \n\nI swallowed against the sudden, dry lump in my throat. \n\nI longed for him. For the precious gift he had, that could wipe out all those erratic thoughts and musings, all of those duties and weights resting on my weary mind. \n\nIt was a selfish longing, I know. \n\nI know. \n\nYet, I couldn't stop wanting that. \n\nBut not tonight. Not for as long as I had any self-control left. \n\nAfter what seemed like an eternity of staring at his closed door, getting lost in my thoughts, I finally managed to pull away, forcing my tired body to move to my own room, finally. \n\nHabit had me lifting my arm to fumble for the light switch before I could stop it. Instead of flicking it on, however, I dropped my hand. The darkness swallowing me felt comfortable. I didn't need any light right now. \n\nMaybe never again. \n\nThe thoughts entering my mind came as sudden as the flash of light would have. It was like a switch in my head and without fault, I rushed forward, crashing to my knees in front of the small cabinet in the corner of my otherwise nearly bare room. \n\nMy hands trembled, shook, as I removed the items within it, finding them with acute precision, even in the pitch black darkness in my room. \n\nI couldn't see. \n\nI didn't need to. \n\nWhen my fingers closed around the small, plastic bottle, I couldn't help the small, choked noise of relief escaping me. \n\nSafety. \n\nAs I clutched the bottle to my chest with both hands, suddenly fevered forehead resting against cool wood, I realized how desperate I was. \n\nI was a fool. \n\nA stupid, cowardly fool. \n\nAnd a failure. \n\nA traitor. \n\nWeak. \n\nBitterness rose in my throat, but still I clutched my little secret to me. \n\nI ought to be their protector. I ought to lead and guard my brothers. I ought to be the big brother, having control and always having a strategy up my sleeve. \n\nI ought to be their hero. \n\nNot the coward clutching at a bottle of pills like it was a lifeline. \n\nLifeline.\n\nThere was no 'farther from the truth'. \n\nI was such a coward. \n\nHow long had it been that I've hidden the pills in my room? Months now? A year? It didn't matter. \n\nGently, I tilted the plastic container, hearing the quiet rattling inside. There were more than enough. At first, I had stashed them away so I could have something to take for headaches or sore muscles without having to bother Donnie about painkillers. \n\nI don't remember when I first thought about another purpose they'd serve. \n\nNow, though, they are my comfort. They are like a safety blanket. \n\nBecause...\n\nI don't need to endure it all to the end. \n\nI don't have to go past my breaking point anymore. \n\nRemoving the cap silently, I tilt the container more, letting those small, smooth pills roll onto my palm. Almost, almost, I can see them gleam in the dark. \n\nFor a while, I just sit and stare at the blackness where I know my palm is. \n\nHow many times have I sat this way?\n\nI never swallowed a single pill. Not after they've become my salvation. I didn't want to use them up for fear that in the end, there wouldn't be enough left to...\n\nI was scared. \n\nMy palms started to warm, and I quickly put the pills back, before I damaged the gelatin capsules with moisture. \n\nNo, I needed them intact. \n\nNot... not for tonight. I wasn't quite there yet. \n\nA few times, I was close. So, so close. \n\nOnce, I almost did it. I had water, I had the pills, I had the doors locked, I had waited until the others were out or busy so nobody would miss me before I was gone...\n\nIt was Raphael that stopped me. \n\nFor some reason, he had been back too early. And he had been in a tantrum of epic proportions. \n\nIt had fully ruined my carefully prepared plan. \n\nBut it had given me enough will to continue on for a little while longer. I couldn't leave my family behind just yet. Not yet.\n\nMy fingers tightened around the small plastic bottle. \n\nNot tonight, either. \n\nI was tired, yes, but not that tired. \n\nNot yet. \n\nI could go on just a little longer. \n\nFinally, I managed to return the bottle to its rightful place in the back of the cabinet. Blindly, but precisely, I put everything back in place, before closing it. \n\nEventually, I would come and sit here. And not leave the room ever again.\n\nIt was an oddly comforting thought. That at some point, I could make everything disappear until only silence was left.\n\nI only now noticed the wetness on my cheeks. \n\nWhen had I started crying?\n\nThis wasn't something to cry over. On the contrary, it should be something to look forward to. Wasn't it...?\n\nA sharp knock tore me out of my thoughts and automatically, immediately, I wiped the moisture from my eyes. Nobody could see me like this!\n\n“Open the door.” The low voice made me shiver with its intensity. If I had considered to simply ignore the intruder and pretend I hadn't heard or simply refuse to follow the order, the way he said it didn't give me any room to do so. \n\nI blinked against the light flooding the room when I cracked the door open a mere inch, finding Raphael's burning eyes fixed on my own. \n\nI swallowed, opening my mouth to ask what he was doing here. \n\nHe didn't give me any chance to make a sound. \n\nHis stronger form pushed into my room, slamming the door shut behind him and enclosing us in darkness once more. \n\nNot half a second after the door closed, I felt his mouth crushing against my own, hard. \n\nStrong, warm hands pulled me close to his smaller, yet stronger body, \n\nWell, this wasn't something I had expected. \n\nBut Raphael didn't give me time to think or protest. Not that I felt like pushing him away. Not when I could already feel my mind slipping away from everything but him. \n\nHe gave a low growl and I knew I wasn't going to do much thinking for a while. \n\nIt wasn't often that we met this way. That we did this. \n\nThe hot shudder that worked itself down my spine had me questioning that. Why weren't we doing this more often? \n\nMy own hands started to wander, exploring over familiar skin, over familiar scars and nicks in his shell and plastron. It was still pitch black in my room. Yet, like my cabinet, I knew Raphael like the back of my hand. I didn't need my sight to know him. \n\nWith another, needy growl, Raphael pulled me over to where he knew my futon was. \n\nI heard myself chuckling. Always so pushy. \n\nThat chuckle died in my throat, however, when I found myself pulled, falling forward onto my brother and ending up crashing down with him onto the thin mat of the futon. \n\nWe kissed again and I felt strong arms clutch at me, pulling us closer until there was not a hair's breadth of space between us. \n\nThrough the pleasurable fog building in my head, I felt muscled thighs spread and wrap around my middle and I froze for a moment. \n\nWe didn't share this often. \n\nAnd even rarer were the times Raphael actually gave any control up to me and let me lead. \n\nI wanted to say something, ask what brought this on, but he wouldn't let me. With an almost angry sounding hiss, he sealed my mouth with his own once more. \n\nSeems like I didn't have much say or control in the matter after all. \n\nNot that I minded. \n\nNot with Raphael hot and inviting beneath me, demanding all of my attention. \n\nWho was I to deny him that?\n\nIt was raw and intense. \n\nSomething between us was different, it tugged at the edges of my awareness. But Raphael wouldn't let me think. He was all desperation and teeth, clutching at me so tightly that I was afraid he'd break something. \n\nHis mood caught on to me, as it did much too often and I left more than a few marks on him, teeth leaving dark imprints in his skin, a dark moan vibrating through him when I broke skin. \n\nSomething was definitely off.\n\nStill, I was too far gone to fight the passion taking over my mind. Raphael demanded it hurt, so I gave in. Even when he kept me pressed to him, instead of letting me find something to ease our coupling, I didn't protest. \n\nIt was raw and it was intense and the end came with such a force that I had to cling to him just as desperately as he did to me. \n\nI don't know how long we spent after, just catching our breaths, returning to reality gradually, but the next time I could form a coherent thought, Raphael was looking at me with eyes that shone, even in the darkness. \n\nSluggishly, he moved, shifting next to me to fumble with something on my nightstand. \n\nThere was a flicker of light, and a single candle lit my room. \n\nMy brother leaned in, brushing a much, much softer kiss to my mouth than before. \n\n“Leo... listen, I...” I frowned in confusion. It wasn't like him to fumble for words. Or to hesitate. \n\nBut he was hesitating, half-leaning over me and looking to the side while he seemed to gather his thoughts.\n\nWas that a shimmer of moisture in his eyes?\n\nAgain, I opened my mouth to ask, to express my worries. The move must have triggered his resolve, though, and he silenced me with a single look. Glowing green embers burnt into me and I felt my throat tighten with the heaviness of his stare. \n\n“Leonardo.” He started, voice low but powerful. He never, NEVER, used my full name like that. \n\nThe gentle fingertips that ran over my cheek in a caress were a sharp contrast to his stare and I held my breath when he continued. \n\n“You do not get to leave us.” How could he sound so calm while at the same time sounding so very severe? It was unsettling. \n\n“You will not go alone.” \n\nI felt my body stiffen before I even fully realized what he meant. \n\nHe knew. \n\nHe KNEW.\n\nPanic shot up my spine and I was ready to flee, escape his knowing stare. \n\nHe wouldn't let me. \n\nHis eyes alone were enough to pin me in place, more than all of his muscles ever could. How could he be so calm?\n\n“Listen to me.” He demanded. He demanded and I obeyed.\n\n“You do not get to go alone. You might be the one to go ahead... but we won't be far behind you. No matter where you decide to go, we will always be just one step behind you.” Warm palm caressing my cheek. \n\n“You will not go alone.” \n\nRaphael wasn't trying to console me. \n\nHe wasn't throwing guilt at me. \n\nHe wasn't attempting to stop me. \n\nHe was stating a simple fact. \n\nHe was simply letting me know. \n\nTears pricked at the corners of my eyes and I swallowed, hard. \n\n“I'm sorry...” My voice sounded pathetic, even to my own ears, croaking against the tightness in my throat. \n\nThat caressing hand slipped to cover my mouth, keeping me from saying any more. Raphael shook his head, still calm, still firm, but with the same moisture in his blazing eyes. \n\nA single look and I felt a soothing, yet frightening calm settle over me. \n\nRaphael knew. \n\nAnd he was right there with me. \n\nI gave a sigh, tension draining out of me, and he removed his hand, our mouths meeting for a slower, softer kiss. \n\nMaybe that was what had brought our tumble on. Maybe that was why he had been so keen on the accompanying pain. Maybe, it had been for him, as much as it had been for me. A moment to forget and feel alive. \n\nTo carve our presence into each other with pleasure, heat and pain. \n\nA farewell gift to each other. \n\nNot yet...\n\nNot quite yet.\n\nBut as my eyes slid close and sleep claimed me, my last thought was a comforting one. \n\nRaphael wouldn't refuse my choice. \n\nHe would be right there with me. \n\n", "writing_bbcode_parsed": "It was late.

I couldn't tell exactly what time it was, not that it really mattered. It was late, possibly somewhere around midnight, when I pulled myself out of the stiff position I usually meditated in.

Groaning at the soundless creaking of my joints, I stretched, aiming to loosen tight muscles after sitting still for hours.

Meditating.

It helped clear my head, jumbled thoughts, worries, half-planned strategies, they all became distant and silent. If only for a few, precious moments, but it helped me calm down, focus on what was most important.

In a way, I think, it is a method of escape.

It hasn't always been like this.

Before, meditation was exactly what it was supposed to be. A technique to temporarily remove all the noise of insignificant thoughts, the rambling of one's mind, to focus purely on a single matter. It had helped me find answers to problems, to see details, angles, I might have missed before, gain insight to complicated strategies.

Lately... all the reason I have to meditate is to leave the weight behind.

The weight of responsibility, the worry of and about my brothers, the questions I see in their eyes, the expectations thrown at me. Both from them and from our father.

It is too much.

I don't resent taking the role as leader. I don't. It came naturally.

But I resent that I cannot fulfill my duty.

I am giving it my all. But I'm failing.

It's just too much.

Silently, I made my way from the dojo over to my own room. It was dark. My brothers were hopefully asleep, even though I had a suspicion that it wasn't the case. None of us got proper rest much anymore.

I passed Mikey's room and was glad to not find any light or sound coming from it. There was only a sense of calm wafting through the door. My baby brother was sleeping. It seemed peaceful enough.

Sensing auras, moods, it was a gift and a curse.

Right now, I was glad for it, because it put me at rest a tiny bit. I even felt my lips pull into a warm smile, knowing one out of my three brothers was well.

At least, for a little while.

Turning my head, I decided to check in on the other two. Maybe finding them resting and calm would put me at ease enough to find some rest as well.

What a foolish hope.

I snuck towards Donatello's lab doors. They were dark and silent, just like Michelangelo's. But there was none of the serene calm of a peaceful sleep within.

Donnie was restless. Likely, he was brooding over some gadget or experiment. He wasn't working, there wasn't any sound from within. His equipment was shut down, as it should be, for the night.

But his mind wasn't.

He was intelligent. Brilliant, even. A creative genius.

But I knew.

Like my enhanced senses, his gift was a curse.

I was aware of his burden. Nobody but him could solve the puzzles they faced.

Shaking my head, I heard myself sigh.

I wanted to comfort him, order him to go and get some rest. But I knew it would be an empty order. I couldn't tell him to do the impossible.

And really, I couldn't bring myself to muster the energy.

I didn't want to deal with this right now.

Not right now.

Morning would come, hopefully after at least a few hours of sleep, and I would come to him to offer my support. It would have to do.

I knew it wouldn't be enough, but whatever help I could offer, I would give.

With another sigh, feeling the small feeling of relief at Mikey's calm crumble to dust at Donatello's restlessness, I made my way over to Raphael's room.

This time, however, I stopped before I even reached the door.

Raphael and I have always had a special connection. It was stronger between us than it was for anyone else in this family.

I didn't need to go any closer to feel the sparking anger from within. It throbbed off my brother in dizzying waves and the longer I allowed myself to stay and feel them wash over me, the dizzier I became.

No.

No, I really could not deal with this. I was too exhausted.

And yet... Yet, I longed to be with him.

Raphael had a way of making me forget about my worries. Almost more than meditating did.

Whenever he's close to me, his presence demands absolute attention. It's nothing he did consciously. It's his nature. Raphael is strength, power, raw emotions that are so very intent on sweeping you away.

Even more so for me than for my brothers.

It is sometimes so very hard to resist the pull of his anger in battle, his wrath and worry when one of us is in danger, his passion in everything he does.

He and I have always had this special connection.

Not only our spirits.

I swallowed against the sudden, dry lump in my throat.

I longed for him. For the precious gift he had, that could wipe out all those erratic thoughts and musings, all of those duties and weights resting on my weary mind.

It was a selfish longing, I know.

I know.

Yet, I couldn't stop wanting that.

But not tonight. Not for as long as I had any self-control left.

After what seemed like an eternity of staring at his closed door, getting lost in my thoughts, I finally managed to pull away, forcing my tired body to move to my own room, finally.

Habit had me lifting my arm to fumble for the light switch before I could stop it. Instead of flicking it on, however, I dropped my hand. The darkness swallowing me felt comfortable. I didn't need any light right now.

Maybe never again.

The thoughts entering my mind came as sudden as the flash of light would have. It was like a switch in my head and without fault, I rushed forward, crashing to my knees in front of the small cabinet in the corner of my otherwise nearly bare room.

My hands trembled, shook, as I removed the items within it, finding them with acute precision, even in the pitch black darkness in my room.

I couldn't see.

I didn't need to.

When my fingers closed around the small, plastic bottle, I couldn't help the small, choked noise of relief escaping me.

Safety.

As I clutched the bottle to my chest with both hands, suddenly fevered forehead resting against cool wood, I realized how desperate I was.

I was a fool.

A stupid, cowardly fool.

And a failure.

A traitor.

Weak.

Bitterness rose in my throat, but still I clutched my little secret to me.

I ought to be their protector. I ought to lead and guard my brothers. I ought to be the big brother, having control and always having a strategy up my sleeve.

I ought to be their hero.

Not the coward clutching at a bottle of pills like it was a lifeline.

Lifeline.

There was no 'farther from the truth'.

I was such a coward.

How long had it been that I've hidden the pills in my room? Months now? A year? It didn't matter.

Gently, I tilted the plastic container, hearing the quiet rattling inside. There were more than enough. At first, I had stashed them away so I could have something to take for headaches or sore muscles without having to bother Donnie about painkillers.

I don't remember when I first thought about another purpose they'd serve.

Now, though, they are my comfort. They are like a safety blanket.

Because...

I don't need to endure it all to the end.

I don't have to go past my breaking point anymore.

Removing the cap silently, I tilt the container more, letting those small, smooth pills roll onto my palm. Almost, almost, I can see them gleam in the dark.

For a while, I just sit and stare at the blackness where I know my palm is.

How many times have I sat this way?

I never swallowed a single pill. Not after they've become my salvation. I didn't want to use them up for fear that in the end, there wouldn't be enough left to...

I was scared.

My palms started to warm, and I quickly put the pills back, before I damaged the gelatin capsules with moisture.

No, I needed them intact.

Not... not for tonight. I wasn't quite there yet.

A few times, I was close. So, so close.

Once, I almost did it. I had water, I had the pills, I had the doors locked, I had waited until the others were out or busy so nobody would miss me before I was gone...

It was Raphael that stopped me.

For some reason, he had been back too early. And he had been in a tantrum of epic proportions.

It had fully ruined my carefully prepared plan.

But it had given me enough will to continue on for a little while longer. I couldn't leave my family behind just yet. Not yet.

My fingers tightened around the small plastic bottle.

Not tonight, either.

I was tired, yes, but not that tired.

Not yet.

I could go on just a little longer.

Finally, I managed to return the bottle to its rightful place in the back of the cabinet. Blindly, but precisely, I put everything back in place, before closing it.

Eventually, I would come and sit here. And not leave the room ever again.

It was an oddly comforting thought. That at some point, I could make everything disappear until only silence was left.

I only now noticed the wetness on my cheeks.

When had I started crying?

This wasn't something to cry over. On the contrary, it should be something to look forward to. Wasn't it...?

A sharp knock tore me out of my thoughts and automatically, immediately, I wiped the moisture from my eyes. Nobody could see me like this!

“Open the door.” The low voice made me shiver with its intensity. If I had considered to simply ignore the intruder and pretend I hadn't heard or simply refuse to follow the order, the way he said it didn't give me any room to do so.

I blinked against the light flooding the room when I cracked the door open a mere inch, finding Raphael's burning eyes fixed on my own.

I swallowed, opening my mouth to ask what he was doing here.

He didn't give me any chance to make a sound.

His stronger form pushed into my room, slamming the door shut behind him and enclosing us in darkness once more.

Not half a second after the door closed, I felt his mouth crushing against my own, hard.

Strong, warm hands pulled me close to his smaller, yet stronger body,

Well, this wasn't something I had expected.

But Raphael didn't give me time to think or protest. Not that I felt like pushing him away. Not when I could already feel my mind slipping away from everything but him.

He gave a low growl and I knew I wasn't going to do much thinking for a while.

It wasn't often that we met this way. That we did this.

The hot shudder that worked itself down my spine had me questioning that. Why weren't we doing this more often?

My own hands started to wander, exploring over familiar skin, over familiar scars and nicks in his shell and plastron. It was still pitch black in my room. Yet, like my cabinet, I knew Raphael like the back of my hand. I didn't need my sight to know him.

With another, needy growl, Raphael pulled me over to where he knew my futon was.

I heard myself chuckling. Always so pushy.

That chuckle died in my throat, however, when I found myself pulled, falling forward onto my brother and ending up crashing down with him onto the thin mat of the futon.

We kissed again and I felt strong arms clutch at me, pulling us closer until there was not a hair's breadth of space between us.

Through the pleasurable fog building in my head, I felt muscled thighs spread and wrap around my middle and I froze for a moment.

We didn't share this often.

And even rarer were the times Raphael actually gave any control up to me and let me lead.

I wanted to say something, ask what brought this on, but he wouldn't let me. With an almost angry sounding hiss, he sealed my mouth with his own once more.

Seems like I didn't have much say or control in the matter after all.

Not that I minded.

Not with Raphael hot and inviting beneath me, demanding all of my attention.

Who was I to deny him that?

It was raw and intense.

Something between us was different, it tugged at the edges of my awareness. But Raphael wouldn't let me think. He was all desperation and teeth, clutching at me so tightly that I was afraid he'd break something.

His mood caught on to me, as it did much too often and I left more than a few marks on him, teeth leaving dark imprints in his skin, a dark moan vibrating through him when I broke skin.

Something was definitely off.

Still, I was too far gone to fight the passion taking over my mind. Raphael demanded it hurt, so I gave in. Even when he kept me pressed to him, instead of letting me find something to ease our coupling, I didn't protest.

It was raw and it was intense and the end came with such a force that I had to cling to him just as desperately as he did to me.

I don't know how long we spent after, just catching our breaths, returning to reality gradually, but the next time I could form a coherent thought, Raphael was looking at me with eyes that shone, even in the darkness.

Sluggishly, he moved, shifting next to me to fumble with something on my nightstand.

There was a flicker of light, and a single candle lit my room.

My brother leaned in, brushing a much, much softer kiss to my mouth than before.

“Leo... listen, I...” I frowned in confusion. It wasn't like him to fumble for words. Or to hesitate.

But he was hesitating, half-leaning over me and looking to the side while he seemed to gather his thoughts.

Was that a shimmer of moisture in his eyes?

Again, I opened my mouth to ask, to express my worries. The move must have triggered his resolve, though, and he silenced me with a single look. Glowing green embers burnt into me and I felt my throat tighten with the heaviness of his stare.

“Leonardo.” He started, voice low but powerful. He never, NEVER, used my full name like that.

The gentle fingertips that ran over my cheek in a caress were a sharp contrast to his stare and I held my breath when he continued.

“You do not get to leave us.” How could he sound so calm while at the same time sounding so very severe? It was unsettling.

“You will not go alone.”

I felt my body stiffen before I even fully realized what he meant.

He knew.

He KNEW.

Panic shot up my spine and I was ready to flee, escape his knowing stare.

He wouldn't let me.

His eyes alone were enough to pin me in place, more than all of his muscles ever could. How could he be so calm?

“Listen to me.” He demanded. He demanded and I obeyed.

“You do not get to go alone. You might be the one to go ahead... but we won't be far behind you. No matter where you decide to go, we will always be just one step behind you.” Warm palm caressing my cheek.

“You will not go alone.”

Raphael wasn't trying to console me.

He wasn't throwing guilt at me.

He wasn't attempting to stop me.

He was stating a simple fact.

He was simply letting me know.

Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes and I swallowed, hard.

“I'm sorry...” My voice sounded pathetic, even to my own ears, croaking against the tightness in my throat.

That caressing hand slipped to cover my mouth, keeping me from saying any more. Raphael shook his head, still calm, still firm, but with the same moisture in his blazing eyes.

A single look and I felt a soothing, yet frightening calm settle over me.

Raphael knew.

And he was right there with me.

I gave a sigh, tension draining out of me, and he removed his hand, our mouths meeting for a slower, softer kiss.

Maybe that was what had brought our tumble on. Maybe that was why he had been so keen on the accompanying pain. Maybe, it had been for him, as much as it had been for me. A moment to forget and feel alive.

To carve our presence into each other with pleasure, heat and pain.

A farewell gift to each other.

Not yet...

Not quite yet.

But as my eyes slid close and sleep claimed me, my last thought was a comforting one.

Raphael wouldn't refuse my choice.

He would be right there with me.

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