Better Than Best Friends
Chapter 5
Finding my Faith
1\tI was too young to understand what happened that day, but I had just experienced my first dry orgasm. I had unwittingly discovered sex, if it can be believed ladies and gentlefurs, and at the tender age of three! I had been corrupted and perverted from the very start, and all it had taken was for me to emulate what I had seen my parents doing together while they were naked, with my own favorite plushie, a mouse I called Stuffy. Although the experience was never quite as intense as that first time, I continued to take all my clothes off and hump Stuffy whenever I had a chance to be alone in my room.
2\tAmazingly I was never caught, although one time my mom opened the room while I was naked under the sheets with Stuffy. I quickly pulled the cover over myself and pretended to be asleep. She probably just assumed I was taking a midday nap, as she quietly closed the door and left a little while after.
3\tIn any case, from that day on, me and Stuffy were inseparable. I took him everywhere and did everything with him, and I do mean everything! He was never not at my side. Not only did he sleep with me every night, but I insisted on bringing to bath time, and even the bathroom ... if I could get away with it. When mom would put me in the stroller, I insisted on her strapping me and Stuffy together. I'd hug and kiss him excessively, pretending to make out with him, while we were in the stroller together, just as I had seen dad do with mom. Sometimes I'd catch other adults giving me weird looks. Looks of concern, disgust, or both. Sometimes they would even say something to my mom. She would just try to excuse my odd behavior by saying "oh he's just very attached", and then with some irritation she'd say in a loud whisper "JONAH! Stop slobbering Stuffy, that toy has germs all over it!".
4\tWhen my mom would take me to the public restroom I would insist on bringing Stuffy with me, but mom would pry him from my hands. I'd start whining and carrying on. Shrieking my shrill little shrieks, and stomping my foot. "No No NO!" I'd shout and give her a scowl while clenching my fists to my side. "Jonah, No! We are not bringing Stuffy into the bathroom! It's filthy in there!" she'd scold. In the end she would leave Stuffy in the stroller just outside the bathroom as she'd forcibly pulled me into the bathroom. I'd fight with everything my little three year old body could muster, but it was useless. I couldn't fight my mom. Others would shake their head, and my mother would give embarrassed apologetic looks. I was growing up to become quite the bratty little three year old. My parents would joke that I was a late bloomer and was hitting my terrible twos a year late.
5\tStuffy was for me, my only real friend, so perhaps, my dear audience, you can understand why I was so incredibly attached to him. Although I'd see other children on my outings, I could never really interact with them much, because my mother wasn't taking me to the park yet. Instead I was simply being dragged along for her daily errands.
6\tI do remember one time while me and my mother were on a bank line; she was holding my hand and there was another little boy behind us with his own little stuffed toy. He was a mouse! A real live mouse boy, just like Stuffy, and in his hands was what I thought was a chipmunk plushie. Perhaps I sensed this as some kind of sign. Was this my special someone? The promised one from Yah-Hasha? My own one true mate?
7\tSo I tried to get the boy's attention in the only way that seemed natural to me. I reached out in the boys direction with Stuffy and made him kiss the other boys stuffed toy. "Maw!" I acted out as their muzzles touched. "Stooooawp!" the other boy Whined as he moved his toy away from mine. He scowled at me suspiciously. His reaction hurt my feelings a bit, but I recovered quickly and was not to be deterred. I smiled and said "They kissed! Now their married and are gonna have a baby!". "No they are NOT!" came back the boy even more angry with me. Maybe he didn't understand. So I tried to explain. I pointed at him, "mousey", and then at Stuffy, "mousey!" I said with delight. Then I pointed at me, "chipmunk" and then his plushie, "chipmunk!". "No he's NOT!" he stomped his foot, "he's a ferret!" he corrected me. I didn't know what a ferret was, but regardless, to me it made no difference. Clearly this was who I was meant to be with, all the signs pointed to it. So I offered my objection, "but ... aren't you my special?", I said, glancing at him genuinely confused. That did it, he had had enough of my nonsense, "Leave me ALONE!" he said and began making threatening rodent chatter that caused me to step back a bit. I had apparently been very much in his personal space without realizing it.
8\t"Can you PLEASE tell your son to stop talking to mine?" came the irate mother. It was like clockwork. I looked up. Next my mother would scold me. "Jonah leave the other boy alone. Face forward". I looked back at the little mouse boy. He was snuggling his ferret while eyeing me suspiciously like he didn't want me to touch his toy ever again. Without thinking I'd reach my hand out to the handsome boy, desperate to form any kind of connection, but not really having any clue how to. "Knock it off Jonah!" my mother scolded as she'd jerk me forward.
9\tAs we continued down the line I'd steal glances back at the adorable little mouse boy. I'd study his delicate whiskers, and his dear little ears, his charming little tail. It was fascinating to see a real mouse. "Stop looking at me!" he said at last, me not realizing I was staring too long and intently. More complaining from the other mom, more scolding from my own, more confusion and frustration from me. And on and on it would go. I became familiar with the routine, but found myself unable to resist trying to desperately get other children's attention anyway.
10\tEvery time this happened I'd just tell myself, they must not be my special. My special must still be out there somewhere. But where? And who? And Why wouldn't Yah-Hasha just tell me who it was?! So I would know! So I wouldn't have to keeping bothering the wrong furs! And who was this Yah-Hasha anyway? And where were they? Was he a friend of mom's? Would he visit our house one day and explain everything? So many questions and not a single answer I could understand!
11\t"Yah-Hasha lives up in heaven with the heavenly host and looks down on us lovingly and guides us", "you will know who you are meant to be with when you meet them", "Yah-Hasha has a plan for your life, you just need to trust in him.", "you need to have patience Jonah, have a little faith and trust in your lord Yah-Hasha, and he'll bring the right fur into your life"" my mother would say, confusing me more than clarifying anything ... what did she mean by have a "little faith" anyway, and how was I suppose to have it?! ... sigh ...
12\tAnd so, with no other children to connect to, I continued to turn inwards, to pretend, that Stuffy and I were married. That our love was real. That Stuffy was real and had real feelings and thoughts just like me.
13\tUnlike the other children I'd meet, Stuffy would never become cross with me. Stuffy would never rebuff my hugs and kisses. He wouldn't become annoyed when I'd suckle his ears until they were damp with saliva. I could kiss or even lick his nose and he would never mind. I could drag him by the tail without the faintest of protest. Stuffy was comforting because he would never reject me.
14\tAt the same time, I desperately wanted Stuffy to be real, to have his own thoughts and feelings independent of mine. I'd whisper gibberish into his ear, and then I'd have him lean in and I'd pretend he'd whisper into mine. I told my parents he could really speak but he was either too quiet or shy for them to be able to hear. So I would have to act as his mediator. I would report whatever he supposedly told me. I would join him into every conversation I could. Mostly my parents played along, but my dad didn't seem to like it very much.
15\tAt the table I insisted Stuffy be strapped into my old highchair, and even given a small plate of food. He had his own likes and dislikes, that didn't always agree with mine. I didn't like peas, but he apparently did, so I'd insist they'd all be given to him.
16\tMy mother would indulge my fantasies, and would split the peas between us, and encouraged me to eat my half, following Stuffy's good example. My father though wasn't having any of it. He would complain and say this was outrageous, and that my mom needed to stop indulging me. One time he ripped Stuffy right out of the highchair and tossed him into my room and then kicked over the highchair hard enough to break it just to make a point. I recoiled in fear. Increasingly I was terrified of my father's unpredictable behavior. Mom and Dad then got into a terrible heated argument. Shouting, so much shouting all the time at home.
17\tI would run to my room and slam the door. Then I would hop unto my bed, get under the covers and hug Stuffy as hard as I could. If only me and Stuffy could run away and live together. Then we could be at peace. I'd kiss him over and over again. "It's alright Stuffy. Everything will be alright. One day we will get married and live in our own house, I promise" I would tell him as my eyes filled with tears. Then I'd stare into his eyes and face, hoping to see some sign. Some sign that there really was someone there, who understood and loved me as much as I loved them. But Stuffy only gave me the blank vacant smile he always gave. I pretended that I had put it there with my reassuring words. But in truth there was only a child, alone in a room, trying to comfort himself. A child without friends, with a father who did not love or want him, and a mother who could not handle him. I never have been diagnosed with anything, but I have come to suspect there is something wrong with me. I have always struggled to "read others", and I believe this has been a major stumbling block for me all my life.
18\tAs my home and my parents marriage became increasingly hostile and began to fall apart, I retreated deeper and deeper into fantasy and self indulgence with Stuffy. I began to really believe he was alive. I could have sworn I heard him speak to me once. At least I seem to have a vague memory of such. I was taken aback at first but quickly recovered. "I knew it, I knew it! I knew you were real Stuffy. Oh Stuffy, my Stuffy..." I'd say as I'd cuddle him and he somehow magically cuddled me back. Such a strange memory. I almost forgot about it! Is that really what happened? Or is it a distorted memory of a memory of what really happened? It was so long ago. At the time it seemed real anyway. Perhaps it was just a child's overactive imagination over firing to block out the pain.
19\tIn any case, I continued to explore my budding libido through Stuffy. On my bed I would lie on my back, naked. I would make Stuffy kiss me on the lips, over and over again. Then I began licking his face with my tongue, something I could never do with my mom or dad or another kid for that matter. They would just get upset. But with Stuffy and me nothing was forbidden, nothing need be withheld. I imagined that our tongues rubbed across each other. Something I had seen my father do with my mother. Then a naughty thought occurred to me. To lick Stuffy all over!
20\tMy tongue journeyed down, licking Stuffy's soft body fur gently, and as I did so my peen began to unsheathe itself. The tingling sensations excited me and encouraged me to go further. A perverse notion dawned on me. I wanted to lick my tongue all over Stuffy's private parts. The ultimate violation. The ultimate invasion of privacy. And so I did, and my peen grew to a quite impressive length, red and swollen with perverse prepubescent toddlermunk desire. To lick someone else's privates, to be given such license, seemed more delicious to me than the forbidden Apple in the garden of Eden was to Eve.
21\tBut now my thoughts turned to my own body. The tingling sensations of anticipation running all through it, for I knew what I wanted next. I splayed myself out proudly to Stuffy. "You can look at me Stuffy ... all of me. I don't mind". "I will let you lick my private parts Stuffy. I promise I won't tell mom and dad". My peen had already become slick.
22\tI had noticed a strange sticky substance coming out of my peen before. A strange different kind of pee I thought. But it wasn't yellow and wet, it was clear and sticky. It would leak out of me slowly when I was playing with myself and Stuffy. I tried tasting it. It had very little taste to it, but it certainly had a more pleasant taste than my pee, which I had also tried tasting once. I would have asked my mother about it to clear up the confusion, but then she might get mad at me again for exploring things I wasn't suppose to.
23\tMy tail twitched with pleasure as I let Stuffy rub his face on my chest fur. Slowly I moved Stuffy down. At last I made him kiss and lick my slick peen. I then sat him on top of me and rubbed our bits together, effectively rubbing my scent onto him, though I didn't know that's what I was doing or why. All I knew is that we were sharing our private parts, and it felt wonderful to me. Nothing would be private between us, not even that. We would share everything. We could even share the sticky stuff from my peen together!
24\tAfter rubbing Stuffy on my exposed peen for a while, I would bring him up to my face and sniff him between the legs. I could tell my own scent had been rubbed on him. I could feel the warmth of my own body emanating from his. It made him seem almost alive.
25\tI sat up and would hug him around the hips while kissing him, continuing to grind our privates together. I would feel the soft fur rub against my exposed peen and it would create the most pleasant sensations. For me, the act of our peens rubbing together was the truest form of love, the most emotionally satisfying experience one could ever have, the deepest feeling of connection one could ever have to another fur. A very special love, like the one between my mom and dad, that could only be shared between two furs. It meant, in some way I could not fathom, that the two furs belonged to each other, now and forever more. It meant the other was the most special fur in your whole life and would never ever abandon and leave you, would always be there as long as you lived. When I thought of this and fully embraced a sense of being one with Stuffy, it would elevate my excitement past the boiling point and I would experience the toddler equivalent of an orgasm. Nothing particularly special would come out of my peen, just the same clear stuff as always. I was too young to produce actual sperm, something I wouldn't figure out until much much later, but none the less my body would still experience the physical release as if I had ejaculated and at last I was able to feel calm and relaxed. Then I'd lie on my side and stare lovingly into Stuffy's eyes. Surely in that moment ... he saw me too ... the me inside of me ...
26\tTo me, this act of achieving orgasm with him, meant that me and Stuffy were married. Perhaps I also hoped it meant that soon me and Stuffy would leave my parents place and have one of our own.
27\tDid that also mean Stuffy and me would have a baby together, I wondered with some trepidation? How would I take care of a baby? And how would I keep it a secret from my parents? Was the act of rubbing our peens together the special kind of love that produced a child? This would explain why my love for my mom or dad never produced a baby, but it wouldn't explain why me and Stuffy didn't make one! The way I saw it there was only two possible explanations: (1) we couldn't make a baby because we needed to live together in our own place first, or (2) Stuffy wasn't real. I really didn't want to accept (2) so I tried to convince myself the problem was making love in my parents house. Still, I thought maybe it could still happen, and when it did, Stuffy and me would HAVE to move out and raise the child in our own place. This fantasy is what kept me from completely falling into despair, as my father became increasingly violent and abusive towards me and was even starting to become abusive towards my mother.
28\t"Dude! You wanted to rub peens with your stuffed toy?! Ha Ha, that proves it! You're a fucking fag Jonah and you always were!" I hear the other boys say. Fuck you Rash, and fuck you Franky! I was only three for Yah-hasha's sake! I didn't know any better you fuckwits! I thought boys and girls had the same parts. I just assumed everyone had a peen tucked away like me. I thought my mom and dad were rubbing their peens together when I saw my father humping my mother!
29\t"But you saw your mother naked?!" I hear some of you say. While this is true, I wasn't paying especially close attention. Even if I noticed the slit, I would have just assumed it was a sheath like mine from which a peen would emerge. The difference between anthromorphic genitals isn't as immediately obvious as it is for you sons and daughters of Eve.
30\tAlthough I am now referring to Stuffy as "he", that is only in retrospect. I didn't understand the difference between "he" and "she" at the time. I had no concept of the sexes. I knew children had a mommy and daddy, but really I didn't quite understand the distinction. Sometimes I would point at another child's parent and ask if they were the mommy, and sometimes if they were a daddy. But I was basically guessing. My mother would tell me, and half the time I simply got it wrong! I knew who my mommy and my daddy were. I could tell them apart, of course. But I couldn't wrap my mind around which was which for other children. This extended to furs my age as well. "That's a boy Jonah", or "That's a girl Jonah", I would be told, but I had no idea what my mom was talking about. It just didn't click. When I tried to use "he" and "she" I would get it wrong just as often as right. I simply just didn't get it.
31\tBut even though my mind didn't know the difference, that doesn't mean my body didn't. Just because I didn't know what a "boy" or a "girl" was didn't mean my animal instincts weren't subtly pushing me towards the opposite sex without my knowledge or consent. Although I wouldn't have been consciously aware, my body would still respond to pheromones after all. It's only natural!
32\tWhen I finally had the chance to go to the park, more often than not, it was little girls I was pestering, even if I did not know it. I liked their long and flowy hair. It fascinated me. I liked their delicate features. I wanted to join in their tea parties and quiet plush&dollie games. You can imagine how well that went. A rambunctious, grabby, anything BUT quiet boy, inviting himself to their gatherings. They would get upset with me, or would get up and leave, or they would tell their parents on me. I would be told that a boy shouldn't be invading a girl's personal space, but all I'd be thinking is "what is a girl?" and "what is personal space?". I really didn't understand what the problem was. Did I at least understand that I was a boy? Just barely. But it really didn't mean anything to me, so I would just keep forgetting that. "Oh you mean me!", I would exclaim when I momentarily would get it. "Yes Jonah. YOU! You shouldn't be forcing yourself onto girls. You are a boy. You should be asking politely to join them". "Ooooh" I said, still not really following. She might as well have been speaking word salad. It would have been more helpful if she had demonstrated how close was too close, but my mother didn't really understand that I wasn't like other children. She just assumed I would get it ... eventually. But I didn't. Not for a long time anyway. If anything it was Jonathan that helped me understand. He helped me to understand when I was making him uncomfortable. I learned how to balance my need for intimacy with his need for physical distance and safety. Despite being a rabbit, rabbits being known for not liking to be smothered, he put up with me more often than not. But Jonathan was a very special kind of friend. He was able to have patience with me in a way that few others ever have ... I miss him dearly right now ... sigh ... I'm losing focus ... getting way ahead of the story ...
33\tAnyway ... the point is ... just because I thought of Stuffy as having a peen like myself, didn't mean I was "gay". I was just a naive child, as I'm sure all of us have been at some point. Such shouldn't be interpreted as indicative of future sexual predilections. None the less, it is what it is, and you may make of it what you will.
34\tDid I identify with Stuffy more because we had the same part? Sure. But I was also fascinated by others precisely because they were different and exotic to me. I don't remember being interested in many chipmunk children during this time. I was always fascinated by all the other species of anthromorphs. A natural born heterogenit apparently. I loved the strippy stripes of the raccoon tail, and their intriguing little masks, I loved the huge circular ears of mice, I would be mesmerized by their spindly little tails and how they would defy gravity, the contrasting black and white patterns of the badgers and skunks, the large pointy angular ears of vulpine and feline children, the strange connective flesh between the arms and legs of flying squirrels (there were a few families of them in our neighborhood), the strange noses of the anteaters, the budding horns of fawns, and the whiskers of various species such as opossums and otters. The world was full of creatures different than myself, and I wanted to explore it all, with or without their permission.
35 Even if I didn't know consciously I was pestering girls, I was still drawn to them because I could sense, there was something different about them. Something I couldn't quite comprehend, but was determined to figure out. If boys and girls were different, what exactly was that difference? How could you tell? This would be a major preoccupation for the coming year.
36\tDid I only pester the little girls? Not at all. I was well known to be a bother to many little boys at the park. I was drawn to them as well, pheromones or no pheromones. But I believe there is a very simple explanation for that. Granted I thought I was looking for a marriage partner, but in actuality I think I was really just looking for a friend, any friend. I was a lonely kid in a family that was breaking apart. And back then, I didn't know what friendship meant. Marriage was the only kind of relationship I was aware of, so in my mind friendship was marriage, and marriage was friendship. Thus my not infrequent chasing of little boys is no more indicative of some inherent sexuality than my dalliances with Stuffy.
37\tBut getting back to that, all I had was Stuffy, before I started going to the park anyway. He was, if you will, my first friend, imaginary friend, granted, but that didn't make it any less real. He was my way of keeping myself company even when I was alone. At the same time, I couldn't completely fool myself. I knew Stuffy was just a toy, and no amount of pretending could change that. I still longed for real company; to interact with real children, to find my own special someone, my "one true mate", I would marry one day and run away with. Secretly though, I feared I would never find them, and so I clung to Stuffy and my daydream as long as I could ...
38\t... that was until one day ... when the spell was broken ...
39\tI had been rubbing myself and my scent unto Stuffy pretty much every day since I first started humping him. Naturally my mother eventually noticed that he smelled awful. "Jonah, how did you manage to get Stuffy so dirty?", she said as she took a whiff, "ugh! He smells awful. I'm sorry Jonah, we are gonna have to wash him!". "No No NO!" I said, desperately trying to get Stuffy back. I knew what a washing was gonna mean. It was gonna mean sticking him in the washing machine, to be sloshed around and drowned. I've already discussed how terrified I was of water. Well like hell I was going to let my mom do that to Stuffy, he was real damn it! "Jonah, what in the Sam Hill has gotten into you!?" she'd say, not understanding my hysterics.
40\tAs she threw him in the wash with a bunch of my other laundry, I grabbed her leg and begged her "Mommy please don't put Stuffy in the wash! Stuffy will drown!". I looked up with tears in my eyes. In that moment I truly believed Stuffy would die. She looked at me with a knowing smile, "Oh silly Jonah, come here. Stuffy isn't gonna drown. He's a toy." she said as she picked me up and smiled. That made me mad. "But Stuffy is not a toy! He's real! I KNOW HE IS!" I said stomping my foot. "He does-sn't like the water. He's scared!", I tried to protest. My mother didn't give it a second thought "Oh Stuffy'll be fine", and with that she casually tossed him and closed the lid, turning some knobs and starting up the machine.
41\tI could see Stuffy sitting there, apparently unconcerned, the same smile he always had, as the machine began to tumble and fill up with sud water.
42\tStuffy was going to drown! I knew it! I knew it with the same certainty that other children know Santa or the Easter Bunny is real (and there is some argument to made for these entities existing in the Furthly Realm, at least in the distant past if not presently, but that is kind of besides the point). I scrambled with all my chipmunk prowess to pry myself free. "Jonah! What has gotten into you!?". She tried to grab a hold of me but I was more slippery than a terrified animorphic cat. I managed to get down to the floor landing on my four paws. I pounded on the glass and shouted "I'll get you out Stuffy just hold on!". And with that I used all my strength to pry the latch off. All the water came out onto the laundry room floor and I frantically dived into the soggy laundry to pull out Stuffy, dripping and damp and hugged him. "Oh Stuffy! Are you alright?!" I asked with genuine concern. But Stuffy was still smiling ... smiling as always ... completely unphased by the experience ...
43\t... and then I began to cry. Not because I thought Stuffy was hurt, but because I knew he wasn't. I knew he was just a toy and couldn't drown like a real fur. "Oh Jonah, what am I gonna do with you?!" my mother said with a tone of genuine exasperation, but she kneeled down and hugged me anyway. I held Stuffy by one arm and leaned my head against hers and let the tears flow freely. It all came flooding out of me at once. Everything I had tried to deny and hold in came tumbling out. Stuffy wasn't real, it had been me all along. He had no heart, no feelings, and no love for me. I was alone and no one liked me. I cried because the fantasy was dispelled, definitively and for good. I couldn't make myself believe anymore even if I tried. Belief is not a choice, and I would no longer be able to convince myself that Stuffy was alive like me or my parents were. The evidence against it was too strong. The only one who had spoken to me was me. The only one who cuddled me was me. The only one who comforted me was me. I really was alone, and had only been talking and playing by myself all along ... and with that ... I turned three ...
44\tI was still attached to Stuffy, but it wasn't the same after that. He was there for comfort, but now I wanted more than ever to have a real friend. One my own age, one who would become my playmate as well as my life mate. And that is why, when I was told that I could make a wish come true by blowing out my birthday candles, I only had one wish in mind: that this year I would meet my special someone, my one true mate. I remember looking at the calendar on the side of the fridge for the first time. June 1979 it read. It was the first time I was aware of the year. I looked down on my birthday cake, and my parents were right there behind me giving me encouragement. There were three candles before me. I had just turned three. To me though the candles represented, my mother to my left, my father to my right, and me in the middle. Blowing out these candles represented the end of my bitter childhood and the beginning of something new. The hope and promise of meeting my destined sweetheart. The fur I would marry someday and have my own family with! And this time we would get it right. We would truly love each other, and we would never hurt and yell at our child! They would always know they were loved, that they were the manifestation of our love for each other. If only I knew that only a small interval of spacetime separated me and another boy who must have also blown out his three birthday candles; that there exists some reference frame where the two events happened simultaneously! Would it have comforted me to know that at the time? Did he also wish to find his sweetheart that day? Was our meeting meant to be? ...
45\tSurely this birthday magic would work I thought ... it must ... because I want it to so bad ... so it has to ... right?
46\tAnd with that I gathered up all the air my little three-year-old lungs could muster and blew out the candles. My parents clapped congratulatorially. I smiled, confident that my wish would come true. That very soon I would get to meet my fur, my one true mate ... that Yah-Hasha had intended for me ...
47\t... be they "girl" or "boy" ... only time would tell ...
48\tIt's a shame I never got to ride my little red bike with the rainbow tassels to the park. It might have made the other children more interested in playing with me. But alas ... my father smashed it to bits, if you recall. I would mostly have to rely on my natural charms ...
49\t... I was doomed ...
50\tBut I certainly didn't know that at the time. In fact, perhaps one of my happiest childhood memories, from the time before meeting Jonathan that is, was my first time being taken to Pleasant Park. It had apparently just been finished being built shortly before I started being taken there. It was designed specifically as a park for parents to take their toddlers. A little kid park.
51\tA large arch made of ivy greeted visitors, covered in pink roses, with a little white picket fence in front. I remember my mother taking me there in a stroller for the first time. We were in a park I had never seen before. "Where are we going mommy?" I asked. "You'll see hun" she said without skipping a beat. Before long I was greeted by the white gate with the pretty pink roses and greenery above. My mother got out in front to open the gate, and it was if the pearly gates themselves were opening up to me. Was this heaven?
52\tOnce inside I could see that it was a relatively large area, completely enclosed by garden bushes as high as my eyes dared to look up. Before me was the most beautiful idyllic scene I had ever seen in my life, an arcadia of childhood bliss. Something straight out of a fairytale book. There were colorful slides, and toys and games of all sorts strewn about, and children playing, running, and making friends with each other. The summer sun shinned down upon the proceedings creating the most beautiful light. In my memory it is tinged with an orangey pinkish glow. No doubt this is how Pleasant Park looked in the afternoon, but at that moment of high noon it must have shown with brilliant white light.
53\tThe sound of song birds could be heard, and the buzzing of bumble bees, the laughter of children, the innocence of youth, the smell of blossoming flowers and sexual promise awakening in the air.
54\tSo many cubs to meet. More children than I had ever seen in one place in my entire life! And surely amongst them, there was one, just one ... for me? Perhaps my birthday candles really did work? I reached out my hands desperate to get out of my stroller as soon as possible.
55\t"Alright calm down kiddo", my mother said as she unfastened the seat belt. She should have known better, but she apparently was more concerned with getting it undone than what she was about to unleash upon the world!
56\tAt last, with a snap, I was free. I giggled at my new found freedom and wasted no time. I leapt out of the chair before my mother could restrain me in any way and landed on all fours. Then I leaped and pranced on all fours, tearing through the park like the hyperactive chipmunk I was. I would scurry up to a group of children and shout "Hi!", then just as quick scurry off to another group and do the same.
57\tOccasionally I would stop to look at a particular child. The bushy twitchy tails fascinated me, whether they belonged to a boy or girl. Without thinking I would reach out and stroke the soft bristly fur on my paws and face, sometimes even hugging the tail. The other child would squeal in surprise, and would scurry off. I thought it was a game so I would go and chase them for a bit, until another child caught my fancy. My gluttony and hedonism knew no bounds!
58\tI also was fascinated by all the different ears. I liked sneaking up behind the children and flicking or playing with their ears. "Stop!" they'd exclaim and scurry off.
59\tMy mother desperately tried to grab me, but I would evade her grasp. There was no way she was going to catch me on twos. If she was to have any hope of catching my squirrely self she'd have to scurry about like a little chipmunk like me on fours ... hehe ... I thought gleefully.
60\tOther parents were already starting to take notice of the rambunctious chipmunk child molesting their innocent seedlings. It was only one minute in and I was already making a nuisance of myself, making a scene, bothering pretty much anyone and everyone I could get my grubby little paws on, boy or girl.
61 To satisfy my curiosity I'd lift the little girls skirts! Why did they wear them? What were they for? With the boys I'd try to pull down their shorts! I hoped they would become annoyed and chase me.
62\t"JONAH! Get back here!" my mother yelled out, finally getting aggravated trying to catch me. I just thought it was a game. I would hold in place and let her try and pounce me. Then I would leap off, bouncing off the bushes and galloping through the playground on all fours at top speed.
63\tI became momentarily distracted at the sight of a pretty little vixen. She had flowy golden hair and a beautiful bushy tail, and adorable little pointy ears. I noticed her ears similarity to mine, me being part fox. She was standing with another girl, and they were playing out something with their dollies while standing face-to-face.
64\tShe fascinated me. I noticed the way her ears would occasionally twitch. As if caught in a trance I slowly approached her, finally stopping just inches away.
65\tI got up behind her and could smell her sweet foxy scent. It seemed to trigger something in my brain. Her hair looked so soft. Entranced by this wonderful creature I wrapped my arms around her gentle form and began to rub my face into her hair. In my blissful ecstasy I barely noticed that I had began to hump her involuntarily.
66\tNext thing I knew I heard a piercing scream and sensed her struggling to free herself. Then in came the angry adults. I stopped and looked around to see them looming over me. Bewildered and frightened I just stood in place. The girl resorted to biting me to free herself and I hastily let go as she ran off ...
67\tAt that moment my mother finally managed to catch up with me, and she grabbed me roughly by the tail. "GOTCHA YOUNG MAN!" she said enraged. "Young Man", that could only mean I was in for some real trouble!
68\t"Your son was molesting my daughter! If your son is retarded he should be on a leash!" came the girls irate mother.
69\t"My son ain't no re re, and he ain't needin' no leash, though I think you could do with a muzzle!" my mom came back, defensive as always.
70\tThe mother was shocked beyond words, but her husband chimed in, "Ma'am, you need to control your son! That kind of behavior is not acceptable no matter what your son's difficulties!"
71\t"I'm handling this, now back off!" came back my defensive mother.
72\tThen she turned all her wrath upon me. I gulped. She bent me over her knee, pulled down my shorts and undies in front of everyone. I tried to put my tail down to protect my hiney. "Oh no you don't!", she said as she yanked my tail up and began smacking the daylights out of me ... IN BROAD DAYLIGHT!
73\t"NEVER EVER DO THAT TO A GIRL! DO YOU UNDERSTAND! YOU KEEP YOUR PAWS TO YOURSELF!" she yelled at me. There was that word again, "girl". I didn't know what she meant. Was it particularly bad to touch girls? Should I touch boys instead? How am I suppose to tell the difference?!
74\tBut I didn't get very far into my musings as they were constantly being interrupted by the excruciated pain.
75\tAfter that humiliation, she pulled me by the ear, as she continued to scold me. "And another thing, You are too old to be running around on fours. Walk on your own two feet like the big boy you are. And don't run!"
76\t"And try to introduce yourself quiet like! Don't just go running up to furs and yelling hi in their face! And above all, keep your paws to yourself young man, or Imma make you regret you have them! Now you gotz all that?! We gotz an understandin' like!?" she finished, completely exasperated with me as usual. I shook my empty head yes ...
77\t... and the minute she loosened her grip I just went back to prancing about on all fours, repeating my routine, popping into other kids conversations to rattle off some incoherent gibberish. At last my mother had to give up as the other parents were all glaring at her like she was a terrible mom; and she's not ... I'm just a terrible son ...
78\t"Alright Jonah, time to go!" she said as she grabbed my arm and pulled me away. I heard the other children giggle as I was taken to my stroller and strapped in again. "But mom, we can't go. We jus got here" I tried to reason. But it was no use.
79\tShe turned the stroller around and I looked back to see all the children return to their play. A girl hoola hooping, a boy sliding down the slide, a tea party in session, hop scotch, a game of tag, a boy with a toy boat floating in the pond, and so on and so forth. I wanted to be a part of all that. I began to reach out my hand and whine ... and that is how my first visit ended.
80\tThe next time my mother took me out of the stroller before opening the gates. She had a little talk with me before entering so the problems of last time wouldn't repeat themselves. If I scurried on all fours or wrapped my arms around another strange child I would get a whooping from dad. Yes dad. My mom had started using my father's abuse as a threat. Asking my dad to discipline me was like asking a psychopath to torture information out of someone. That is to say, it merely would serve as an excuse for my father to exercise his cruelty ... and I dare say, enjoy it! It was less about discipline and more about giving into his sadistic nature. He was clearly unhappy about something and more than happy to take it out on me. My mother may not have realized it, but in so doing she was subtly legitimizing my father's abuse.
81\tBut I was too young to understand any of that then. All I knew then was I didn't want to give dad a reason to be violent with me. So I quickly agreed to behave myself. With that my mom swung open the gate, and once again I was let into paradise ...
82\t"Okay", I thought, "this time we are gonna get this right". My mother probably thought I'd just run off and play, but I was here on a mission. I was going to find one of these kids to be my mate. I surveyed the area. So much was going on, it was a little hard for me to process. I noticed kids going down the slide, and I had a plan. I almost forgot not to go on fours, but quickly caught myself as I instinctively bent over almost touching my paw to the ground. No! I couldn't mess this up and get sent home early. Not today. Today could be the day I'm suppose to meet them, and this could be my only chance!
83\tIt was then that I caught sight of a handsome little skunk boy climbing the small little slide ladder. This was my chance!
84\tI pranced right up to the base of the slide, this time on twos instead of fours, and looked up. My plan was simple. The boy would slide down and he would have to bump into me. Sure enough the little Skunk boy got to the top and not immediately noticing me slide down and *glomp* collided right into me as planned. He landed right on top of me and I laced his fingers with mine. "Hehe ... hi" I said, and promptly kissed him on the lips. I don't think anyone caught me doing it, but the little boy recoiled and noticed our fingers intertwined. He managed to get himself up and started using his foot to try and pry himself loose. The slide got held up as we struggled, and the other children started to notice the commotion. Parents became concerned.
85 -_-; ... here we go again ...
86\tFinally he had managed to get himself free but I just desperately grabbed his tail. "Please don't go. I'm sorry. Please be my special. Please don' go. I'm sorry, please be my special" I began saying over and over again like my brain was caught in a never ending loop. "Let go of me!" he finally said, yanking his tail free.
87\tI couldn't let him get away, I couldn't let another one get away, I thought ... ahem ... obviously ... I was a very stupid kid. Perhaps the other parents weren't far off describing me as a retard.
88\tIn any case, I tried to pounce him, but he leapt out of the way. Before you knew it, both of us were tearing up the park on all fours. A chipmunk chasing a skunk. You can probably guess where this is going, but I certainly didn't know any better.
89\t Finally the Skunk boy had gotten tired of being chased and his instincts kicked in. He stopped and I ended up running into his rear and bouncing back unto the floor. He lifted his tail and unbuckled his pants. I thought he was getting undressed so we could be naked together. So I lifted my legs and pulled down my shorts and undies down right there in the middle of the park. My mother and the skunk boys mother rushed in the salvage the embarrassing situation but it was too late! The skunk boy squirted me with his skunk spray! It landed a direct hit and I got covered in the nasty stuff. My mother rushed in and hastily pulled my pants up and then started pulling me by the ear. "COME HERE YOUNG MAN!" "Ow ow OWCH!" I squealed.
90\tMeanwhile I could just barely make out that the skunk mother was repeatedly spanking the skunk boy on his bare bottom and he was screaming terribly. I didn't know it at the time, but the greatest taboo for a skunk is to use their spray. Although they still possess the ability and the instinct, it is considered very crass and primitive to actually use it. It had been socialized out of their species for centuries. In modern times many have opted to have their glands removed in adulthood, but children are still born with them of course. That skunk boy was getting his first lesson to never use his spray again!
91\tAt home I got an ear full from my mother, yelling at me. She gave me a very good spanking at home, bare bottom using a belt. She told me to never do that again. Was it another girl?, I thought to myself. Why did I keep making the same mistake! I wasn't exactly sure what I wasn't suppose to do again, but it seemed to be a combination of pestering a skunk, and exposing myself in public.
92\tThen she forced me to get in the tub, even with me terrified of the water, so she could scrub me down. I squealed and struggled until my mother finally threatened to beat me with one of daddy's belts.
93\tOut of fear I complied, even as I shivered in terror as I was pelted by water droplets from the shower head. She was very rough, and even then the smell didn't completely come out. My clothes had to be thrown out, there was no point trying to salvage them. But the thing that concerned me most was my father coming home. Was I going to be severely punished for disobeying?
94\tI decided to hide in the cubbard under the sink. If I hid there until morning maybe the whole thing would blow over. Unfortunately my mom found me.
95\t"What are you doing down there, Jonah?", she said as sweet as pie, as if she didn't already know. I began to cry, "daddy is going to kill me". "Daddy is not gonna kill you. Now go on and git outta there and sit at the table. Dad'll be home soon fer dinner" she reassured me. I sheepishly obeyed and sat at the table like a man waits in his cell for the gallows.
96\tSure enough dad walked in the door a few moments later, clearly tired and irritable as always. I winced in my chair and waited for the beating ... that never came. Grace never told him exactly what happened. Perhaps it would have been too awkward. Especially me pulling my shorts and undies down. If Grace had told him that he would have just started in with talk of me turning into a little faggot and needing to have it beaten out of me. She only said that a skunk kid sprayed me and she had struggled to get me washed up as best she could. That's why I smelled a little. His response was mostly to complain about my water phobia. He vowed to sign us up for membership at the local recreational center so they could try to teach me how to swim at the local pool. Grace objected as usual, but this time he insisted. I was going to learn to swim and that was final.
97\tAs I cuddled up with Stuffy that night, I was simply glad that mom had not told him what really happened. That I had been running on fours like mom told me not to. Then I would have really gotten it. I fell asleep with the faint scent of skunk on me. From that day on I had a bit of a dislike of skunks. I certainly would not tangle with one ever again. I would purposely give them a wide birth whenever one would come by after that. I was genuinely a bit afraid of them. At the time I didn't really think about how this might make the skunks themselves feel. Being treated as something dangerous and to be fearful of didn't come across as respectful to them so much as being maligned by society. I wish I understood that better back then.
98\tI have sometimes thought back on that skunk boy, and wished I could have approached things differently. Perhaps we could have been friends. Perhaps as a skunk he would eventually have needed such a friend. But like my failure with Jonathan, my failure here was also irreversible. It was one more fur forever cut off from me ... sigh ...
99\tWord quickly spread amongst my peers to steer clear of me, not only the little girls whose mothers feared I would molest their daughters, but now even the little boys whose fathers wanted to keep a strange boy like me as far away from as possible from their sons. Somehow I had managed to alienate myself from both kinds of children. Maybe, that was, I reasoned later, because I was neither a boy nor a girl. Unlike anyone, and thus alone. If only I could find one other cub like myself!
100\tChildren would know I was coming a mile away. When I would try to walk up to them, to talk to them, to introduce myself to them, to interact in some way with them, they would all instinctively move away. I was the strange mentally deficient child they had been told to steer clear of. "Don't let that chipmunk get near you. He's strange", I'd catch whispers of. Even parents were in on it. I would see them either actively try to move their children away from me, or else would try to shoo me away like a pesky animal.
101\tDespite my growing sense of rejection, no, because of it, my desire to connect with others only grew. I continued to try to connect with the other children my own age the only way I knew how, the only way I understood, the only way that made any sense to me ... through physical contact. By a breach of the physical gap that separated us. By the direct sensation of physical touch, a definite and undeniable shared experience. For when one fur touches another, the other feels that touch, feels and experiences it as well, and in that shared experience two furs are at once feeling the same thing at the same time.
102\tThe other children pushing me away, or running away, was them literally rejecting my love for them. But, I reasoned, this was because they weren't my one true mate. They weren't the one I was intended to be with. I would have to continue to touch others my own age, as many as possible ... it was the only way I would know for sure. The one that responded in kind ... that would have to be the one that was meant for me. The one that loved me in return the same way I loved them.
103\tSo I would continue to walk up to unsuspecting cubs and would hug them, or would grab on to their tail, or I would wrap my own around them. My mother would grab me and pull me away and explain what I was doing was wrong. Sometimes she'd even give me a little slap on the paw. But it was no good. I didn't understand or listen to what she said, and the pain left my mind as soon as it left my body.
104\tThe intoxicating scent of the young girls hair, the scent enveloping them in a gentle aura of sweetness, the infectious rambunctious free energy of the young boys, vaguely recognized as an aspect of my self. I couldn't get enough of either. No amount of scolding or suffering seemed to be able to deter me for long. I would soon forget whatever I had learned and return to my love sick ways.
105\tI would jump into an occupied swing and sit in another child's lap. Repeatedly I was told to either wait my turn or use an empty swing. By the children themselves, by their parents, or by my own mother. No one seemed to understand that I simply wanted to swing with someone, rather than be alone. Eventually I learned everyone would be far less hostile towards me if I simply sat in the empty swing next to a child I liked instead of the one they were sitting in.
106\tI would gleefully swing back and forth, and a feeling of pure love would fill my heart. My breathing felt like rainbows, as I described it to my mom later, every breath containing a barely suppressed gleefulness and excitement just barely contained and threatening to burst into the open with uncontrolled giggling and laughter. I would chatter happy chipmunk chatter. My primitive animalistic attempt to communicate with them. It was as if the joy reduced me to a state of animorphic bliss, freed from the confines of making sense. I'd swing my swing slightly sideways in their direction, hoping to eventually bump into them.
107\tIt was during one such occasion that I made my first confession of love. The memory is vague and blurry like it was from a dream. I'm humming to myself, lost in my own world. I begin hesitantly, and while it is intended for the one swinging next to me, it's almost as if I'm speaking to myself ...
108\t"... I ... hmm hm hm hm ... he he ... love ... LOVE! ... hmm hm hm hm ... I ... la la ... I love ... hmm hm hm hm ... LOVE! ... YOU! ... I ... love ... you? ... he he ..." finally I turn to face them directly and say "I LOVE YOU!" ...
109\t... and with that they run off ...
110\t... as if I hadn't said anything ... as if I hadn't been there at all. They somehow didn't even know I was talking to them, confessing my feelings and trying to connect with them. As I saw them gallop off in the distance my heart sank.
111\t... the memory is tinged with this feeling ... of familiarity ... Jonathan? Was it ... Jonathan? No ... that doesn't make sense. He didn't live in New Fursey around that time ... ears ... bouncing long ears ... was ... was it a bunny boy? Or, am I making that up now ... I can't remember. All that remains is the feeling ... the feeling of love that feels like my love for Jonathan, and the feeling of heartbreak that I'm experiencing right now ... "
112 and in that moment a vision appeared on the ceiling of my dark bedroom. The little boy in the vision ... became my childhood Jonathan. He smiled at me and then, with a sly an evil look, he turned and walked off into the inner depths of the ceiling. My delirium had reached such a point at which I reached out my arms to this phantasm as if it were real as if it were him ...
113 "No Jonathan, Please! Don't GO! I ... I ... love you ... Jonathan! I really and truly do! With all my heart!, please Jonathan, please don't leave! I confessed my feelings, I CONFESSED MY FEELINGS! Why did he abandon me!?! ARRGGGHHHH!!!"
114 I clenched my tear ridden face and covered it with my paws ... and in my mind it was as if I was reliving the feelings of that day ... in pleasant park ... all those years ago ...
115\tIn that moment I looked around the park ... and understood ... everyone was ignoring me. To everyone I was just a strange incomprehensible child. One whose behavior and words could be completely ignored as meaningless ... worthless. A mental cripple, a non-furson, a non-entity, a ...
116\t"LITTLE RETARD!", my father shouted into my mind. The scene changed and there I was trying to find love from my father. This memory came unbidden and quite against my will. "No! No! I don't want to remember this!", but it was no use. I saw myself climbing up to my father, desperately seeking some kind of affection, some kind of approval, in my clumsy and clueless way. But my father, he is ignoring me completely. He is watching television and drinking a beer.
117 He places it on the table and I accidently knock it over spilling it all over the place trying to get him to just notice me. Just give me some affection because it was the middle of the day and mom wasn't around to comfort me.
118 "You little fucking shit!" my father slurs half-drunk. What happens next I couldn't understand. Before I knew it, my father was choking me. Choking me like he intended to kill me right then and there. Why? Why is he doing this to me? It doesn't make sense. "Why ... why did I have to have a little fucking retard like you!" he says, as if confessing something he could never say around Grace. I start gasping for air and my eyes are watering and my mouth is dripping with saliva desperately trying to gasp for air. Finally he let go but threw me against the table. "Breath a word of this to your mother and I will snap your tender little neck! Do you understand! Do you understand me you retarded little FUCK!" I shake my head in absolute terror. I would have agreed to anything. "Good. Now get the fuck outta my sight!" he said, and I scurried as fast as I could into my room and shut the door. "Why is mom not home, why is mom not home, why is mom not home ..." I repeated as I rocked myself, "Father always becomes the most violent with me when she is not around" I muttered to myself ...
119\t"Why did we have to have that retarded kid!?" Vich bellowed to Grace. "Vich, for the last time, we didn't choose to have Jonah, but Yah-Hasha blessed us with a child, and it's our job to love and nurture him, irrerspective er his difficulties! Er ours fer that matters" responded my mother, her voice wavering in uncertainty. "Don't give me that religious crap Grace! This ain't part of some greater plan of some higher power, no, this is just the universe dealing us a shit hand! Fuck this little retard." he said while pointing an accusatory finger at me.
120\t"He can barely form words most of the time, he is impossible to discipline, he just keeps doing the same dumb crap over and over again like he didn't learn a god damned thing! And even other children can't fucking stand him! Fucking retard doesn't even have enough impulse control to not hump the little girls at the park. I'm surprised he wasn't banned from day one!..." Vich continued.
121\tI began to whine and cry. I was old enough to understand a good portion of what was being said even if Vich didn't think so, even if it wasn't apparent from my behavior. There was a furson living under this bundle of impulsiveness and confusion.
122\t"There you go, now he's crying over nothing! Can you shut the fucking retard up!" Vich demanded. "He's crying because of you. Because of all the hurtful things your saying. And stop calling our son a retard, he is smart, I know he's smart, he's just having some difficulties right now ..." my mother tried to defend.
123\t"He don't understand what the fuck we're talking about. All he knows is were yelling and his sensitive little chipmunk ears can't handle it. Typical prey animal, afraid of everything more than a pin drop! He's a fucking baby, and he's gonna stay a fucking baby if we don't push him to grow the fuck up!" Vich shot back.
124\tThis got me legitimately mad. I got up, and with tears streaming down my face and my hands clenched and shaking in fury I tried my damnedest to communicate my frustration "arffch squee squee ch-ch-CH-CHffff ticki-ticki-TACK!!", but the words wouldn't come. All I could do was chatter my angry chipmunk chatter. The rage in my mind short circuited my higher mental faculties and I was once again reduced to a gibbering idiot. This of course only frustrated me further, making it even harder to talk in a vicious cycle. It was almost like I had too much to say all at once and so instead of saying anything at all, it all sort of cancelled each other out. It was frustrating because I had intelligent things to say ... many many intelligent things to say ... but I couldn't prove it because my mouth wasn't cooperating with my brain! Fuck you! Fuck you Vich you vile piece of shit of a father! You treat mom and me like crap, yet you are by far the worse of us all! You make me and my mother's life harder yet all you can do is complain about how we inconvenience you! I didn't chose to be born, I didn't chose to have difficulties understanding what I'm suppose to do to get furs to like me, and all you do is make things harder for me. Make me feel worthless for even existing. Maybe ... maybe I wouldn't try so hard to get the other kids to like me if I knew ... if I knew that you loved and wanted me! I hate you! I HATE you!! I HATE YOU!!!
125\tI wish I could have said all that and much much more then ... and I really do hate him. Even now my mind burns with an unquenchable anger and resentment equal yet opposite to my passionate love of Jonathan. I have never been able to forgive him for how he treated us ...
126\t"pff, see what I'm saying Grace. Fucking retard can't speak. He is about as intelligent as an animorph" my father said dismissively of my incomprehensible tantrum.
127\t"It has nothing to do with his ability to speak or his intelligence! It's his emotions Vich. Jonah doesn't know how to handle his emotions. He doesn't handle stress well. It's reverting him. You make him feel stressed. You make me feel stressed. You make us all feel stressed. You make our lives stressful Vich! You really need to stop! You are hurting our son. You are exacerbating his condition! Your making it harder for me to control his outbursts!!" my mother pleaded on the verge of tears, as she got down to hug me. I couldn't tell if it was to comfort me or herself at this point.
128\t"... We should put him up for adoption ... we aren't equipped to handle this sort of kid ..." my father finally said calmly.
129 My mother got up with me in her arms. "Vich ... are you mad? Are you completely insane. He's our son! I will never give him up! I will never give up on him!"
130 I don't remember anything else ... I just remember that my father had figuratively given me up in that moment, and my mother had promised to never do so ... what can I say. Did the love of one parent completely cancel out the rejection of the other? My mother has always been there for me. As much difficulty as I have put her through she stuck with it. But this time ... I think I really have gone too far. For all the faith she has put in me ... ultimately my father was right ... I AM a retard ... and I AM a shameful faggot as well ...
131 ... there is nothing more to be said ... ... so let's just move on. I can't dwell on this much longer ...
132 My trips to the park were no longer joyful. Not after that. To be rejected so completely by my own father ... to be rejected so completely by my peers ...
133\t\tMy mother would try to divert my attention, to stiffle and distract from the emotional pain this rejection was having on me ...
134\t\t"Come on Jonah. Come play with me. I got all of your toys over here" she would say sweetly.
135\t\tI would stare longingly off at the children walking away from me. I loved my mother, and it's not that I didn't appreciate the effort being made, but going to her felt like defeat somehow. Accepting my failure to connect with others outside the only home I knew, others my own age, content to just stay in my mothers lap, so to speak. To not venture from the nest.
136\t\tMy mother would eventually come up behind me and pull me gently by the hand. "Come on Jonah, let's go play in the sandbox together" she'd coax.
137\t\tI would dutifully sit down in the sandbox and she would have all my toy cars scattered about. She'd begin to make car noises and move them around, trying to get my attention, to make me forget the painful loneliness I was experiencing, but it wasn't quite working. I wasn't really in the mood to play. I would half heartedly move a car around in the sand, trying to appease my mother and play along even though I didn't really feel like it.
138\t\tWhy? Why did no one like me? Why did everyone want to get away from me? What was wrong with me? Would no one ever love me? Would I be alone forever?
139\t\tThese questions would swirl around in my head endlessly and make it impossible for me to really focus on anything else. I wasn't really there. I was living deep in my own head.
140\t\tOccasionally a child would prance on by, sometimes two. When they were together I didn't dare intercede in any way. They already had each other. They must be a future couple. I thought this regardless of whether it was a boy and a girl, a boy and a boy, or a girl and a girl, not that I could really tell very clearly anyway.
141\t\tWhen a single child would walk on by, I would try to reach my hand out, maybe wave it to get their attention. "Hey! You wanna play with my toys?!" I would say kind of loud, but it was like no one ever heard me or saw me. They were busy with whatever they were already doing. Having been ignored once I would just quietly go back to being sullen and quiet. If I kept trying they would just continue to ignore me and I would feel even worse than if I had just sat there quietly not trying to get their attention, and so, I would just stop trying.
142\tAfter a while this became the routine. I wouldn't even bother to interact with the other kids. What should have been a happy occasion, became a reminder of my loneliness, sadness, and difference. It took out any enthusiasm I might have had to go down the slide by myself, or swing on the swing by myself.
143\tI resigned myself to going straight to the sandbox where we would inevitably wind up anyway, to half heartedly play with the cars with my mom.
144\tFinally one day, my mom decided to try to get me out of my slump.
145\t"Hey" she said while lifting my chin. "Talk to me kid. Every time we go to the park you just seem so down hearted. What gives?".
146\tThis time she finally got my attention. I looked her directly in the eyes. "Mom ... why does no one love me?" I began, using the only language I knew to describe what I was feeling.
147\t"Whacha mean no one loves you! I love you squirt, and so does ... your dad ... even if he's not very good at showing it." she began.
148\tI scowled. She knew what I meant. Why was she trying to dodge the obvious. "No mom, that's not what I mean. Why does no one else love me?"
149\t"Yah-Hasha loves you very much too" she said, again avoiding the question.
150\t"Ugh ... but you said Yah-Hasha loves everyone ... so o'course Yah-Hasha loves me too! ..." I blurted out irritably.
151\t"So there you go. There is plenty of love for you" my mother said like she had proved something. In reality all she did was constantly deflect from the real issue.
152\t"But mommies and daddies are suppose to love their kids, and Yah-Hasha is suppose to love everyone. But Why ... why ... WHY DO NONE OF THE OTHER KITS LOVE ME?!" I said, finally finding the words that should make my meaning inescapable.
153\tThere was no weaseling out of it this time. I had asked a direct question. "Oh ... well ..." my mother began, clearly not quite prepared with an answer to that one. "Well Jonah I'm not quite sure love is the right word there. They don't know you, and you are not part of their family, like your part of ours. Some children have siblings. siblings are children who have the same mommy and daddy. They love each other because they are all part of the same family, but these children here aren't your siblings. So it's different like" she rambled off.
154\tI raised an eyebrow quizzically, and tried to process this new concept. Parents could have ... more than one kid?! Were kids from the same parents suppose to get married!? Did that mean unless I had a sibling I would be alone? This didn't quite make sense to me.
155\tSo I pointed at two boys swinging on the swings together and giggling together, "They love each other! Does that mean they are siblings?". Then I pointed at a pair of girls sitting together with their stuffed toys. "They love each other! Are they siblings?". There was a boy and a girl spinning around together with their palms clasped together, "THEY LOVE EACH OTHER! Are they SIBLINGS?!".
156\t"Jonah, calm down. Please listen. Those kits aren't even the same species, so they probably aren't siblings. And that's a different kind of love Jonah. Those kits like each other. They are just friends. The love between friends isn't the same as the love between a mommy and a daddy, or a parent and a child, or even a kit and their sibling"
157\t"Different kinds of love? like each other?" I said feeling very confused. What was the difference between like and love? As far as I could tell, the feeling those cubs had for each other looked no different to me than any other kind of love I had experienced. They wanted to be close to each other and in each other's company, just as I had wanted to always be with my mom, and yes even my dad. Why was there two words for something that looked like the exact same thing! Much like my inability to distinguish boy from girl, I also couldn't really detect this subtle difference in feeling. I saw no difference in the way the two boys played together, or the two girls, or the boy and the girl, who I can only recognize now as having a clear crush on each other. I didn't understand the difference ... not then anyway ... maybe not even now ... I don't know ...
158\t"Yeah, like. It's how friends feel about each other..." my mother tried to reiterate to reinforce the concept.
159\tI started to get upset, this wasn't adding up to me "But but ... does that mean I won't ever get married?!" I said starting to get hysterical.
160\t"What?!" my mother responded, clearly having no understanding of my train of thought.
161\t"I don't have any siblings mom. And that means the other kits can only like me, not love me! And if no kit loves me I'll be alone forever and never get married!" I rambled off with tears in my eyes. It sounds ridiculous now, of course, but then it made perfect sense to me and was a legitimate concern.
162\tMy mother leaned her head down and pressed her forehead, as if she was getting a migraine. "sigh ... heavens to betsy child, what on earth am I gonna do with you. Jonah you don't marry your siblings. The love between siblings is different. It's not like the love between mates. It's familial love"
163\tA THIRD kind of love. My mother couldn't be serious! Why was this so complicated!?
164\tShe could see my confusion so she tried to clarify.
165\t"Listen. Not all loves are the same Jonah. There is your family, that's familial love. Then there is the love for your friends, that's platonic love. Then there is the love for a mate, that's romantic love" she rattled off.
166\tMy look of agonized confusion reminded her she was talking to a 3 year old ... a very dense 3 year old I might add ...
167\t"Look Jonah, you will understand better as you get older. Don't worry so much." she tried to reassure.
168\t"Erg!" I began, frustrated by the conversation "I jus want to play with the other kits!" I said at last folding my arms and pouting.
169\t"Oh honey, I know you do..." she cooed.
170\t"Why don't they want to play with me?!". That sided stepped the issue of different kinds of loves. Hopefully now I would get an answer I could understand.
171\t"Well ... you come on a little strong hun. You scare them. You need to approach them more calmly, and you need to give them a chance to decide they want to play with you. You can't make them" she tried to reason as gently as she could.
172\t"I WAS CALM! Even when I walk up to them slowly they walk away" I bellowed standing up agitated.
173\t"Honey calm down" she said trying to put her arms around me.
174\tAn anger was rising up in me. "NO!" I said, breaking free and I starting kicking my cars and the sand and making chatter noises of frustration. I was having a bit of a meltdown. I had had enough. I had tried so hard and so many times to make some connection with others and they all rejected me. Just like with my dad, trying too hard to get him to show he loved me, and only getting more abused in the process!
175\tMy mother tried to restrain me, and ... and I started hitting her. Why? I don't know. I think I was angry at my dad truly. After a few futile fists I finally just gripping my mothers pants and sobbed into her crotch. I didn't understand what I was feeling. I don't think I really understood that I was acting out my dad's aggressive behavior. Maybe subconsciously by imitating his bad behavior I could feel more connected to him. I was also taking out my frustration at the abuse. Being ignored, or pushed out of the way, or disciplined too harshly over almost nothing. It's quite possible, my reaching out to others was just another symptom of this abuse. And with that frustrated all I had left was to return the abuse, to my mother.
176\tI felt bad about it after. We pretty much left after that. When we got home, I hugged my mom all teary eyed. "I'm sorry for hitting you mom. I love you" I said. She picked me up and gave me a good long hug. "I know you do hun. I'm sorry. I know you are having a hard time. I promise things will get better" she said as she rocked me like a baby. I just wanted to stay like that for as long as possible. My mom was the only one who I could really come to for any kind of love and affection. At least she loved me, I told myself.
177\t"Jonah, you have to have a little patience, and you will find your faith in Yah-Hasha as your patience is rewarded" I heard her say in my mind, every night before going to sleep. "Find my faith". What did she mean by find my "faith" anyway, and how was I suppose to find it?! There was some hidden secret in those words. If only I knew what they meant. Find my Faith, find my love, find my one and only, my special someone ... hmm ...
178 How does one find something ... when one does not even know what one is looking for ... how does one have patience when one does not know how long one truly has to wait, or if it should ever come to pass? How does one know that Yah-Hasha truly does know the pain in our hearts and how we suffer, and care to alleviate it? How is one suppose to know without knowing, recognize a feeling one has never felt before, understand that what happens is what was meant to be, and not a mistake on one or another's part ... there are no answers ... and I have no hope now ... for I have lost the only love that ever felt like a true answer to life's mysteries ... and without that ... there is nothing ...
179 We continued to go to the park, and I had finally learned some self control, but coming to the park remained disappointing to my hopes. Even though my mother had gotten me to cease in my most aggressive tactics to get the other children's attention, I was not really having any more success. I was simply being ignored. I was not normal. A retard in the eyes of the world, even if I was intelligent in some respects. My lack of social skills made me appear too stupid to befriend.
180\tI tried to engage other children in conversation, as had been suggested. But I didn't really know what to ask or talk about. So instead I would just rattle off some random thought popping into my head at the moment. It probably wasn't even clear I was trying to talk to other furs.
181\tI became despondent, and rather than continue to force my presence onto others, I decided to just mill around and play by myself, but not with much enthusiasm I must admit.
182\tThen one time when passing by the Park's pond. I noticed a little toy boat floating on it. I had incidents before of grabbing random toys and upsetting other children. So I looked around to make sure no one else cared about it. Didn't seem like it. Well, I figured, if I couldn't play with any other children, I could at least play with a toy to consul myself. Who knows, maybe I could claim it as my own, as I often did with abandoned and unloved toys at the park. I was a lover of the unloved as I saw it, often feeling sorry for such things.
183\tThat's how I had found Chippip. It was shortly after I had lost Stuffy. I had been sleeping in my stroller and it had apparently fallen out somewhere. We never were able to find it. I was devastated of course. It only compounded my loneliness to have lost my one sense of security.
184 Anyway ... I was wandering in a lonely corner of Pleasant Park. It was late in the afternoon and there weren't many kids left. My heart felt empty ... like the playground. It was then that I noticed him under the park bench. I saw the tail first sticking out slightly. I recognized the stripes immediately. I ducked under gingerly to see what it was. It was a little chipmunk plushie. It had been abandoned. Unloved, forgotten. Just like me. It looked somewhat ragged from being out in the elements for a while and was caught on the brambles. I crawled under the bench and freed it. Then I just looked at it in the twilight sun as the light all around slowly dimmed, as the glow of the day slowly gave way to the empty night sky. I held him at arms length. His sad little expression seemed to mystify me, as if I was trying to figure something out. This was ... me. This was an unloved toy ... and I an unloved child. Little tear beads began to form at the corners of my eyes. I embraced it, showing that at least I loved him. That he wouldn't be alone anymore. No more would he endure the rainy days and the dark nights of the park when no one was around.
185\tMy mom came approaching from behind. "Whacha got there's Jonah?" she said delicately. Wordlessly I showed her the chipmunk plushie. "Oh ... I see", she said, seemingly understanding without words. "Alright Jonah, let's go home". I dutifully took her hand with one arm and held my new plushie in the other.
186\t"Here give me that Jonah, it's filthy" she said trying to grab it from me. "Wah! NO!" I said hugging him extremely close refusing to give him up. "I'm not taking him from you kid. You can take him home. It looks like it's been forgotten here for a while. But it's really dirty. We can take it home and wash it and make it all brand new" she said reassuringly. Then she smiled until I began to lower my guard. "ooookaaaay..." I said handing it over to her.
187\tAfter it was washed it did seem rather new and it smelled nice. As I fell asleep with it on the first night, I thought about the fact that this was once the toy of some other child, and by having inherited this toy from them ... that was some small connection to them. Even though I would likely never know who it was ... that thought brought me a little bit of comfort as I feel asleep with my new lifeless companion. An imaginary playmate to keep me company because once again I could not find a true living companion. And this time it was also a representation of myself. And thus by comforting it and showing it love, I was invariably acting out the love I wished to be shown myself.
188\tMuch like Stuffy before him, I began taking Chippip to Pleasant Park every day. But I was far too afraid of losing him, both for his and my sake. So I always had him take my place in the stroller, strapping him in and telling him to be a good boy and not squirm, much as I had been told not long ago when I was just a half a year younger. I'd tell my mom to keep an eye on him and walk off to try and play.
189\tBut these days I rarely tried to interact with the other kids directly. I knew that they would walk away the minute I tried to touch them or blabbered. So I became the little Imp of the playground instead,,. I would simply slink about, observing the other children as they played. Sometimes from a distance. Sometimes while hiding behind trees. I would observe how they would play quietly. How they would get along. And it was mystifying to me. What exactly was different about the way they interacted with each other, and the way I tried to interact with them? Other times I was really just secretly admiring some child I liked, peaking around the tree timidly and then hiding again so they wouldn't notice. Yet other times I would just wait to see if they would leave any toys behind. It was my only other enjoyment coming to the park. Sometimes my mom would know, and sometimes I would swipe little things without her knowing. That's how I eventually managed to get a little tea set. Swiping a little plate here or cup there and hiding it in my overall pocket. Eventually I had enough to have a cup for me and Chippip and a little teapot too. I had learned this game mainly from observing the girls and how they played. This was eventually ruined when my father found me playing such sissy games in my room and threw them away.
190\tIn any case I was at it again. I really wanted that little tugboat. It was an adorable miniature with a little anchor on one side. Even though the pond was only probably waist deep, I was still terrified of the water none the less.
191\tThe little tugboat was caught between some lilly pads and looked like it had been there for a while, looking a bit dirty. None the less I really wanted to get ahold of it despite its apparent condition and despite my fear.
192\tSo I grabbed a small broken branch from the large Oak in the middle of the park and used it to poke and prod the tugboat towards the edge. I stuck my tongue out and with sweat coming down I stretched just far enough to reach. This time my fine motor skills were improved and I was able to pull it my direction. Finally it was in palms reach. I grabbed it and looked at it for the briefest of moments, when suddenly another boy came running up, a cute little raccoon boy. A boy I had spied on many times before from just around the Oak tree. Was he coming over to be my friend? I waved and smiled. I wasn't able to see it at the time, but I would later figure out that his face was cross.
193\t"Hey that's mine!", he shouted at me with a whiny tone. "What's yours? Th-this?" I said unsteadily as I put the tugboat out in open arms. "I got it out of the p-pond ... mayb-be ... we could play with it together?" ... was this my moment, was my mate finally coming to greet me ... a well of joy began to fill my heart! The sun shown beautifully in the sky, and it felt like destiny that we should meet. Was this the beginning of our whole lives together? My heart swelled ...
194\tThe next moment was confusion. "THAT'S MINE! GIVE IT BACK!" the boy continued to whine as he tried to wrestle the little boat from my hand. I didn't understand what was going on. I was gonna politely offer it back, I had saved it from the pond! Why was he so angry? Simply out of principle I didn't want him to just grab it from me. I wanted to offer it to him!
195\t"I wanna give it to you! Please let me give it to you!" I complained. "Give it back, give it back!". A struggle was underway and I could sense adults crowding around us to intervene.
196\tWhat happened next was somewhat spontaneous on my part. I was experiencing so many confusing emotions at once. Both elated and frustrated at the same time. Some interaction with another child, any interaction, was better than no interaction. And yet ... this little boy seemed to hate me. And I already liked him soooo much. I had admired him before in the park. Yes I can sense that. I had a crush on him of some sort. Was ... he the one I said 'I love you' to on the swings? I don't know. My memory is foggy. But this was the first time he had gone out of his way to interact with me.
197\tIn my ignorance I did what I thought was a kind gesture that would show that I liked him. "I just want to give it back to you!", I said one last time "Let me show you!". And with that I pulled him in close by pulling on the tugboat. I pulled him in for a kiss on the lips. An affectionate gesture I thought in the moment. Then I pushed the tugboat towards him and let go to prove unequivocally that I had given it back to him, not that he had merely wrestled it from me.
198\tI smiled. Surely, he would understand now. My good intentions. My feelings for him. Maybe saying "I love you!" wasn't enough. Maybe this gesture was what was needed.
199\tI had pushed him a little too hard and he fell on his tail. He looked up at me resentfully. I walked over.
200\t"hehe ... I'm sorry." I offered my paw to help him up. "I wasn't trying to take your toy. I thought it didn't belong to anyone. I really like you a lot. Would you like to be my mate?". This time it was not an assumption. It was a genuine question. Just like my mother had taught me. But my naivety made me blissfully unaware of what was about to transpire.
201\t"You kissed me!?!" he said as he slapped my hand away. I stood there shocked in disbelief by his reaction. If I wasn't so oblivious to others I would have known he was angry with me the whole time. Kissing him only complicated an already bad situation.
202\tHe got up and pointed an accusatory finger at me in front of all the adults. "He kissed me! The retard kissed me!". I could hear the murmurs of the adults. Obviously I had behaved strange and inappropriately. I fiddled with my paws not really understanding what was going on or what I had done wrong.
203\tThe little raccoon boys mother came and put her arms on his shoulders. "What's going on Raphael?". He froze momentarily, but quickly recovered.
204\t"That boy tried to take my toy! And then he kissed me!?!" he said while pointing at me mischievously.
205\tMy mother showed up behind me. "What's going on Jonah?". "I got the little tugboat out of the whater and that boy wouldn't let me give it back to him. He started trying to take it from me!".
206\t"See my son ain't no thief. He was trying to give it back." my mother said with her arms at her hips.
207\t"Nah uh!" said the raccon boy. "He wouldn't give it back! Then he kissed me and pushed me down!". "I said I was sorry! I was trying to help you up!", I tried to defend. "I didn't want your help", and so on. We continued to argue, until his mother interjected.
208\t"What toy was he trying to take from you Raphael?" she inquired. "Just one of my toys ma ... it doesn't really matter what toy ..." the boy said sheepishly, clearly trying to conceal the tugboat in his palms. "The one in his hand right now! The little tugboat he has!", I pointed out.
209\t"Tugboat? Let me see Raphael". The little boy reluctantly complied and passed it to his mom. "I don't remember you having a little tugboat ... where did this come from? Hmm ..." she said pondering it absent mindedly.
210\t"Moooom ... it's mine ... I found it okay?" the little boy whined, trying to snatch it back.
211\t"That toy ain't yours!" came back my mom, causing everyone to look her way.
212\t"Excuse me?!" said the raccoon mother.
213\t"I recognize that little tugboat. It's been stuck in the pond fer a whiles now! Come on y'all, back me up. Y'all knows you've seen it! It's been caught on those lillies over there fer at least er week." my mother offered, looking for someone to confirm.
214\t "She's lying!" came back the bratty raccoon boy. "Ma'am, I don't know what you are talking about. If my son says it's his, than I'm sure it's his." his mother chimed in, defaulting to taking her child's side.
215\t"Oh come on! Not one of you's noticed the little tugboat in the pond fer all these days?!" my mother charged again. Everyone seemed to remain silent. Then a little boy pipped up and said "I did!", "quiet you!" his mother said quickly muffling him.
216\t"See there. Some kid saw it. So let me guess. My son here, Jonah, is the only one that takes the initiative to fish the little tugboat outta the water. Then and only then the thievius raccoonus becomes interested and comes running to claim his prize..."
217\t"HEY!?!" came the raccoon boy and his mother in unison.
\t
218\t"Be honest young man. That toy wasn't yours was it" my mother finally said addressing him directly.
219\tThe raccoon boy just stood there quiet for a moment with a scowl on his face looking away from his accuser. Then he finally faced her and said ,"It - it so too is mine! I - I lost it in the pond and the chipmunk boy got it out for me!". "Is that true?" asked his mother. The raccoon boy paused for a bit and then said quietly, "y-yeah ma ... it's mine okay? ..."
220\t"LIAR!" came back my mother, not buying the story. "Why in der heck would you leave it in der pond fer all dem days? Why didn't you tell your mom about it long before? Why didn't you ask her to get it? Simple. Cause it wasn't yours and you paid it no mind until my Jonah came along!"
221\t"Are you calling my son a liar ma'am!" came back the irate mother.
222\t"Yeah! And a thief too!" shot back my mother. The raccoon mother gasped and murmurs were heard all around. None of this, it should go without saying, made us any friends in that park ...\t
223\tI had been quietly observing the proceedings, unsure what to make of it. I was inclined to believe the little boys story. I'm not very good at figuring out such things and usually take furs at their word. I looked over at the raccoon boy. He flashed me a sly smile. He had won. That's when I knew. He had made all this up! He had lied about it being his toy, he lied about him losing it in the pond even. This revelation made me genuinely mad.
224\t"Ya-you didn't even care about it until I got it for you! I said we could play with it together. I would have let you play with it! I just wanted us to be mates!" I said enraged.
225\t"I don't WANT TO BE YOUR 'MATE'! You're weird! And everyone knows it! You act weird, you talk weird, you look weird, and you stare at me weird. Now go away, chipmunk. Shoo! Go find another unloved toy to swipe! And never talk to me again! And don't ever kiss me again! And j-just stop bothering me you - you retard!" he said and stuck out his tongue.
226\tAt that moment my patience had boiled over. Not only would I not be gaining a new playmate, but I wouldn't even get the toy THAT I SAW FIRST! It was all so unfair! I'd show him! I started chatting my angry chipmunk chatter, got on all fours, and lunged for him!
227\tNext thing I knew I was on top of him and there was a struggle of tooth and claw with fur flying everywhere. We were fighting like pure animals. I even bit him multiple times and he tried to scratch me.
228\tIt took two full grown adults, my mother and his, to pry us apart. But I wasn't done, nor him. He continued to try to escape our mother's grasps and go at it again. My mom had to leave the park immediately.
229 The whole incident became a big fuss in the town. This was now the third time I had become a public nuisance to children and parents alike ...
230\tThis might seem incredible, but due to my uncontrollable animalistic outburst, I was banned from the park unless I had a leash and a muzzle. No kidding. My mother got a letter. Apparently all the mothers had agreed that I was not to be allowed in the park anymore due to the multiple instances of harassment of their children from me. They had gotten the law on their side! My mother tried to fight it, but it was no good. So at last she relented and actually purchased a leash and muzzle. I was to be treated like the lowly animal I was!
231\t"I know you don't want to put this on, and it pains me to do this to you kid, but you got to put on this muzzle or they won't let you into the park anymore!" my mother begged as she tried to put the muzzle on me.
232\tI hated it! It was so uncomfortable. I glowered in my stroller, resentful of everyone and everything. No doubt I looked like a devil child. A right nasty little beast, like a toddler equivalent of Hannibal Lecter.
233\tWhen she would undo the stroller straps I would try to run away as fast as I could, hoping perhaps she would lose the other end of the leash. But my mother always griped as hard as she could and wouldn't let go.
234\tThe other kids quickly learned to stay a leashes radius away from where ever my mother was, lest I grab a hold of them. I would pull on the leash and try to grab any passersby, like a starved predator trying to catch prey. On the occasions when I would end up grabbing a kid, usually by quickly grabbing their foot, they would scream and kick me in the face until I let go.
235\tIt was so terrible to me. It was bad enough when no one wanted to play with me while I was free. Now I was prevented from interacting with anyone. And not only that. I was made to look dangerous. Crazy. Deranged. Different. Strange. No one would want to play with me now! What was even the point of coming to the park anymore?! But my mom insisted on taking me so that I had time out of the house.
236\tThe other children would jeer and even came up with a song about me:
237
Jonah, Jonah, creepy and cray,
238
Say's he wants a playmate, that'll be the day!
239
If he gets a hold of the pretty little girls,
240
He'll squeeze 'em up, and feel 'em up, and try to sniff their curls!
241
If he gets a hold of the handsome little boys,
242
He'll paw 'em up, and kiss 'em up, and try to touch their toys!
243\tI couldn't take it anymore! I had to get free. So at last I went running around the park and I wrapped the leash around the old Oak tree and pulled with such a force my mother finally let go. Then I ran off right out of the white picket gate.
244\t"JONAH! YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!" my mother hollered. But I was off as fast as I could. I was free at last! I was now in the larger park, not exactly sure where I was going. I simply didn't want my mother to catch me.
245\tInstinctively I wanted to climb up a tree to escape my mother's grasp. Surely she wouldn't be able to climb up after me. Most adult chipmunks lose the ability to climb trees, particularly due to their size and weight, but also because of it being socialized out of them by that point. In my case however, I had not yet climbed a tree and the prospect of climbing so high frightened me, so I could never even get my feet off the ground. There was only one other place I could hide. Since climbing up a tree wasn't an option I found some bushes to take cover in.
246\tAs I hid there, I listened carefully for my mother's approach, but I didn't hear a thing. Not even her calling out my name for some reason. With my ears pricked up though I was picking up something. It sounded like little yips. Then I heard a mother yelling, though it wasn't mine.
247\tI peaked out to see what all the commotion was about. I saw a lady fox looking around frantically, but before my mind could even process what was going on I became startled when I felt someone was molesting my tail. My chipmunk reflexes kicked in and I flinched. I turned around and there she was ...
248\tShe was a pretty little cream colored fox, unlike any I had seen up to that point, and she was wearing a pretty little blue dress. I was experiencing fear and ventilating due to my chipmunk instincts reacting to being caught off guard by a fox of all things. On the other hand she was really tiny, smaller than me in fact, and my fox side must have been feeling some kind of instinctive attraction to her.
249\t"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. I like your bushy tail ... what are you?" she said with a vacant smile. After coming to my senses, I finally responded, "I'm a chipmunk". "Oh ... then why is your tail so big?" she said, tilting her head slightly with a strange blank look in her eyes like she was confused. It was both adorable and disconcerting. "Uh ... I guess because my dad has a big tail. I'm a hybrid". "Oh ... nice to meet you hybrid." she said. Then she started to lean in on all fours. Before I knew it she was on top of me on all fours and her nose was twitching and sniffling all about.
250 Without thinking about it I started to sniff her too. She had the most wonderful light scent. There was an excitement in this, we both were right next to each other and exploring each other, and we hadn't even asked permission. It just had come naturally. Occasionally we would pull back suddenly like frightened animals. But something kept wordlessly drawing us together. My chipmunk instincts were triggered by being sniffed by a predator, but at the same time my fox instincts were titillated by the attention of a very young vixen. I felt like she might bite me any second. And yet ... this gave everything an electrifying energy. The sense of danger mixed with pleasure was intoxicating.
251 Suddenly I came to my senses when I realized how intimate we were both being with each other.
252 "Uh ... what are we doing?". She stopped instantly and sat up on my lap. "Oh sorry. You have an interesting scent", she said with an absent minded smile. "Oh ... you do too." I said without thinking.
253 Then she got up in my face again startling me a little, "Oh why do you have that over your face?".
254\t"This? It's my muzzle ..." I said. "Oh ... did you get in trouble for licking someone?" she said with a thoughtless blink. "No! Why would I -" I began, "That's why I have this leash" she said over me. It was only just now that I noticed the leash.
255\t"I have a bad habit of licking the prey animals I see. So they had to put this leash on me". It was beginning to dawn on me that this little vixen was physically closer to me for longer than any other child I had ever interacted with. Not only that but she had been pestering me the same way I would typically pester other children ... huh ...
256\t"Ca-can I touch your ears?" I said without thinking. She smiled and leaned in. I began fondling them in my paws. They were so big, far bigger than any other fox ears I'd ever seen. "Why are they so big?" I asked lost in the soft gentle textures of her ears. "I'm a fennec. All fennec ears are big". "uh ... I really like them ..." I said beginning to feel strangely flustered. "I like your big tail too...". This was unreal. I almost couldn't handle all the positive energy flying back and forth between us so quickly. It felt like we were both holding back something ... but what ...
257\t"I can help you get that muzzle off if you like" she said sweetly. "Really!? How?!" I said in disbelief. "Simple" she said. And without a word of further explanation she got up real close to my face and started to knaw at the straps. I could feel her gentle breath, her tiny sharp little teeth against my fur, tickling, exciting and terrifying me all at the same time. I hemmed and hawed nervously both out of pleasure and fear but she seemed to pay it no mind and just like that her sharp little teeth had chewed through the strap and I was free.
258\t"Thank you" I said in disbelief.
259\t"Hey look, I can lick my nose with my tongue" she said enthusiastically completely out of the blue. Her delicate little light pink tongue stretched out and her eyes went cross trying to look at her nose. Suddenly, and without thinking, I went up and licked her tongue with mine. Then I recoiled in horror realizing what I had just done. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry ..."
260 She had the most wild animalistic untamed look in her eyes. Then without warning she came over to me and started sticking her tongue deep into my mouth! I could not believe what I was experiencing.
261 Then all bets were off. We started swirling our tongues around each others. Our paws felt up each other freely. We were both taking advantage of the fact that we both wanted free reign to explore another furs body, and here was one fur that would let us do as much as we wanted! And so we did. It was that simple. I felt her delicate little fangs in her mouth with my tongue. Then I moved on to licking inside her ears and burying my face into her hair to enjoy the intoxicating scent. She continued to explore herself licking and biting my neck ... a little too hard ... like her hunger was excited ... but I tried my best to tolerate her predatory instincts because she was allowing me so much liberty with her. A prepubescent sexual energy was beginning to glow throughout my body, and I'm pretty sure ... it was for her too ...
262\tIt felt both liberating and terrifying. There was a genuine sense of unleashing chaos and not knowing what would happen next. There was a sense of forbidenness to the proceedings, of doing things we should not be allowed to do to another. We touched each other inappropriately, and she even stuck her hands into my shorts and undies clearly curious as to what she would find there. As for myself I had been caressing all about her delicate form. She was so soft and light and her fur felt wonderful to the touch. Presently I reached under her skirt to freely feel her bare legs and silken panties. There was nothing to stop us at last! Yes! Finally! I moved my paw slowly down intending to slip my hands down her panties ...
263\t... But just when it seemed liked we both might have gotten too carried away both our mothers caught us sloshing tongues together in the bushes and just about to undress each other.
264\t"JONAH!", "FAITH!"
265\tBoth of us froze in fear having been caught in our most depraved and uninhibited state. Next thing we were pulled apart, and profuse apologies came in rapid succession from both our mother's to each other!
266\t"I'm very sorry. Jonah didn't mean any harm, we are trying to teach him to keep his hands to himself!" my mother said flustered.
267\t"Oh, no, we are having trouble teaching Faith about boundaries. She must have started bothering your son! I'm sorry we are really concerned about her behavior, we've taken her to a psychologist, we've tried everything! ..." the fox mother said clearly embarrassed by the whole ordeal.
268\tFaith and me for our part just tried to pry ourselves from our parents all the while reaching out to touch each other just one more time. We had finally found a playmate who we could play with on our terms!
269\tAfter several more awkward exchanges our moms whisked us on their respective shoulders.
270\t"Faith, you know not to start fondling strange boys! Did he hurt you? Did he touch you in the bad place?" I heard the mother say as she walked away. I didn't truly know or understand what Faith was, or what it meant, but in that moment it hit me, "Faith", her name is Faith! She was the "little faith" my mother had promised! Having a little faith, meant I was literally to have Faith my "little Faith" as my own! Finding my Faith, meant literally finding MY "Faith", my little darling vixen! Yah-Hasha must have wanted me to have Faith as my one and only true mate!
271\tAs mother and daughter walked away, Faith looked directly at me, at me! Can you imagine!? Another child was actually interested in me for a change! And she smiled and gave me a little wave. I smiled back and returned the wave.
272 Oh Faith, Faith, my darling Little Faith ... sigh ... you are so cute and adorable and I want you all to myself more than anything!
273\tHad my birthday candles actually worked?! I wasn't completely sure but I knew one thing was for certain ... I had found My Little Faith ... and I was determined to see her again soon and have her as my life mate ...
...to be continued...
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