Better Than Best Friends
Chapter 4
Oedipus and Electra Complex
1\t... I wanted it to just be me and my parents forever ... but Yah-Hasha had other things in mind ... and given what I remember next ... perhaps that is for the best ...
2\tThe scriptures say, "Yah-Hasha is in control of all things" that, "everything that happens, happens according to Yah-Hasha's will". It is also written, "Yah-Hasha is perfect in every way", that he neither makes mistakes nor finds himself in unforeseen circumstances, forced to make a difficult choice. This is because, unlike us who can't always anticipate the consequences of our actions, Yah-Hasha already knows all things, all possible outcomes to all possible scenarios. He knows them all a priori. He does not acquire such knowledge, neither through thought, nor toil, he has merely always possessed such knowledge, though from where-hence who could say.
3\tGiven that, one can only conclude that everything that happens can not be a mistake. That all things are indeed as they are intended to be ... but is this really the best of all possible worlds?
4\tThat I should suffer the sins of the father, and Jonathan should endure what no child should ever have to?
5\tSome will say, that Yah-Hasha has planned all things such that events shall unfold ultimately to the best possible outcome, whatever that might be. This, of course, assumes that Yah-Hasha always has the best possible intentions, which is distinct from claiming everything is always as Yah-Hasha intends.
6\tBut this leads naturally to the question: to what greater end was my suffering a necessary evil?
7\tDid Yah-Hasha not stay my father's hand nor soften his heart, so that I might commiserate with Jonathan? That I might serve as a shoulder to cry on, a companion to steady his heart and mind, a champion to see the best in him and bring out his fullest potential? If so, then I am merely a pawn in Yah-Hasha's design, a chisel with which Yah-Hasha chose to fashion his masterpiece, and once the chisel has served its purpose it is tossed aside, never again to deface the work, just as I am never again to feel Jonathan's delicate touch, lest I tempt him from grace ...
8\tBut even if this were true, it would not turn my heart from him! Let me be a tool to better Jonathan, consider it my honor, for to him I give all the praise, honor and glory he is rightfully due. Jonathan is a beautiful angel to me, worthy of the greatest of heavens. There is no doubt in my mind that he will one day become a great man of God, presiding over his house with near limitless magnanimity.
9\tAs for me, let me be damned, not once, not twice, but thrice! Once for daring to behold his beauty, twice for daring to pass the veil that separates us, thrice for thinking one as pure as him would be able to accept such defilement.
10\tDid not the angels condemn humanity to damnation when they gave rise to the Nephilim? What right then do I have to fraternize with angels such as him? Most likely I was damned from the start. Predestined to fall, but even the damned must serve some purpose in Yah-Hasha's grand scheme, and perhaps mine was not only to change the direction of his life, but to change the very destiny of his soul ...
11\tAll of this I can accept. All this I will submit without quarrel. Yet there remains one injustice my heart finds unconscionable. Why cripple a boy just to send another one to lift him up? Why bring him to the point of absolute despair just to send another to pull him back from the brink? Why take a healthy and happy boy and take both away from him just for another boy to help him struggle to regain them? I know Jonathan tries not to complain, tries to put on a brave face for the world, I know he tries to keep the faith, but I know it troubles his heart deeply none the less. So let me be his advocate to the heavenly host, I ask to be heard by any who will listen to me in the divine courtroom: why take from Jonathan what was most precious to him? Why make an innocent child suffer? Why bereave a faithful servant? To what end could that have possibly served? What service could be rendered above that could not also be rendered below? ...
12\tI waited for an answer, a sign, a sigil, but the answer that came was none...
13\tI refuse to accept the common refrain that Yah-Hasha needed a new member of the heavenly host, with his myriad myriad already at his command!
14\tWas all this suffering ... to make Jonathan stronger? More resilient? But does such a tragedy truly make one stronger, or does it always leave it's mark, it's Achilles heel? The scar that never completely vanishes, the fracture that never sets the way it once was, the wound that never completely heals. For all the talk of what does not kill you makes you stronger, might it be true that, while overall one might be stronger, it always is at the cost of a point of vulnerability, a point of weakness that must be carried for all the rest of one's days. And can not such a weakness always be exploited? What use then is any strength gained from such a sacrifice as this? Is Achilles not lesson enough that we are only as strong as our weakest point?
15\tAnd if I was to be the steward of his heart, why send me away? To whom else will he confide? But even if I promise to never sin against him again, I know that Yah-Hasha will never give me a second chance. But if Yah-Hasha knew it would come to this then how could this truly be the best possible outcome? For me to be damned and burn with a love I can not quench, and for Jonathan to live out his days with a secret pain in his heart he can share with no one?
16\tIs it not within Yah-Hasha's power to have made Jonathan strong by some other means? Was it really necessary to inflict such cruelty on one so young? More to the point, would Jonathan not have in fact been stronger if this tragedy had not befallen him? Would his smile really have been dimmer for it, or brighter still? Would he not have hippity hoppitied with as much gaiety, or would not his joy surpass the brightness of the sun? The truth is, despite the tragedy, Jonathan had a lightness in his soul the could not be completely overcome, but the blemish of sadness still made it's mark none the less ...
17\t...and so it is with me as well ...
18\t... or perhaps the purpose of our suffering, both his and mine, was to forge an unbreakable bond, to galvanize it in the furnace of shared misery, so that our love might serve as a microcosm of Yah-Hasha's perfect divine love for us all!
19\tWhy then let it come to this? Why let Yah-Hasha's finest work devolve into this gravest of depravities? The devil perhaps? No. That canard is the oldest scapegoat of history, and it would not make any difference regardless, because again, Yah-Hasha would know this outcome before it happened. The devil has no power to do anything that was not already intended. Therefore it could not have been Yah-Hasha's intention that we were meant to be a perfect example of his divine love because if we were we simply would not have failed to remain friends. Yet I had sincerely believed we were Yah-Hasha's exemplars for all the years that we were together. I believed Yah-Hasha himself had communicated it to me in no uncertain terms.
20\tNow I can here you say, it is our sin that leads to these less than ideal circumstances, but this can not fully address the issue, for Yah-Hasha would know all of our actions before we did them, just as the devil. Yah-Hasha would know what set of circumstances would lead us to sin and which would lead us away from it. Nothing would be left to chance, or accident, and yet we would still have chosen what we would have chosen given the set of circumstances we found ourselves in. Our independent will, would not be violated in the slightest.
21\tYes my father freely chose to hit me, yes I freely chose to let impure thoughts fester in my heart, but whose to say that would have been the case if the situation had played out in some other way? If my father had not abandoned me, perhaps I would have been content to merely be Jonathan's friend, and if my father's life circumstances had been different somehow perhaps he would have not abandoned me in the first place.
22\tBut at that point it is hopeless to trace back the sequence of cause and effect to its origin, the chain of lives influencing lives, for how could mere mortals such as us ever decipher such in our own very limited lives and circumstances ...
23\tDespite this one may still ask, in the divine calculus, who is it that really matters in the end? Who would be saved and who damned when the finally tally was in? If it were merely a game of numbers, then it would not matter who was saved, only how many, and how could we ever know whether or not Yah-Hasha played favorites in the end?
24\tBut this is not what troubles me the most deeply, so much as this possibility: that perhaps no matter what world Yah-Hasha chose, some would always be damned. That to save some Yah-Hasha had to damn most, because in the realm of all possible worlds this turns out to always be true. It must be so because there is so very much evil in the world, so few that seem destined to be saved, and yet this must be the best of all possible worlds. So perhaps in the end I was damned so that Jonathan could be saved ...
25\t... and thank Yah-Hasha for that small mercy ...
26\tBut there is an even more troubling ramification of all this. Did Yah-Hasha truly have any choice in how things played out at all? Even being all-knowing what if Yah-Hasha was simply forced to chose the best out of bad options, simply because all options turned out to be bad? Even assuming that there was an ideal method of selection, there would have to be only one optimal outcome, one maximal number of saved souls at the end. But if Yah-Hasha's choice was ultimately forced by the best available choice ... did he really have one to begin with? If logical necessity lead him to the world we currently preside in then we could never really know why we suffer. Why? Because we would then have to ask, not why Yah-Hasha chose the best of all possible worlds, but why this is the best of all possible worlds, and that can not be explained by a being who has to operate within logic and necessity to bring about his desired ends. We would have to consider the nature of logical consequence itself!
27\tBut I hear you say, Yah-Hasha is not bound by logic! And I agree. For the scriptures tell us "for Yah-Hasha nothing is impossible". Ah, but you see, then we ALSO could never explain our suffering! Why? Because no matter what world we would find ourselves in a better one would always be possible! There could not be a "best of all possible worlds" because that would immediately make something impossible, namely, a better possible world.
28\tCould not Yah-Hasha have made Jonathan the shining beacon without having him suffer as he has? Certainly, with Yah-Hasha all things are possible. Could Yah-Hasha have forged our bond without the devastation that occurred in both our lives? Most certainly, it is profane to think otherwise! Yah-Hasha is in control of all things, not only the outcomes, not only the laws governing those outcomes, but even the very logical consequences of the laws governing those outcomes!
29\tBut if this is so, nothing can actually be explained, because necessity no longer exists. Necessity only exists because possibilities are limited. When everything becomes possible, there can be no justification to chose one possibility over another. Everything would ultimately boil down to the choice itself, which could not be explained in simpler terms, as consequences of necessity.
30\tSo in summary, if our suffering is necessary, then we would be forced to explain that necessity outside of Yah-Hasha's choice, and if it was not necessary we would be forced to explain Yah-Hasha's choice outside of necessity. Thusly, we have demonstrated, that suffering can never be explained.
31\tWhether Yah-Hasha pruned the tree of possibility or chose freely among the possible and impossible, either way, our suffering could never truly be explained or justified. It would merely be.
32\tI may never know why Yah-Hasha chose for things to play out the way they did or, alternatively, why he allowed them to, but I can at least try to come to terms with what happened purely from the point of view of cause and effect.
33\tSo let's resume the tale and see what we can learn.
34\tWe've already established that I was a needy child from birth, demanding almost constant attention and affection. We've also established the ways in which both my mother and father denied this to me in various ways.
35\tAt the age of two and a half going on three I stopped sleeping in my crib and started sleeping with my parents every night. Vich felt this was improper. One of his crackpot child psychology books convinced him that children who sleep in their parents beds grow up to be perverts ...
36\t... perhaps he wasn't that far off ...
37\tBut the real reason I think should be obvious at this point. He wanted me away from my mother so he could have his way with her.
38\tEvery time he would try to start doing things while I was literally there, Grace would shove him off and tell him to knock it off. If anything turned me into a pervert it was literally seeing my father molest my mother while I was being squished beneath him!
39\tSometimes he'd get pouty and say he was going to go sleep on the couch or the guest bedroom. He said being around Grace made him feel randy.
40\tOther times this would just lead to arguments about me sleeping in my own room.
41\tI would start to get upset. I knew what this meant. This meant me being separated from them and having to be in that little dark room all by myself. Grace would start defending me, saying that I was sleeping with them tonight and that was final.
42\tThe argument would go on and on and everyone including me would just get progressively more upset. Eventually Grace would just tell Vich to leave. Eventually he would get so fed up that's exactly what he would do. Then me and my mother would settle together and fall asleep.
43\tAnd that's how things went for a little while. This isn't to say I didn't like my new room. All my toys were in there, and I had a nice little bed with a blanket printed with moons and stars. I'd play with my toys in there, but I would always make sure to have the door open and I would sit near it so I could catch glimpses of my mother going into the kitchen, and could hear everything going on in the house. I just didn't want to be too far from her.
44\tInitially I had liked to play in the living room, but Vich started to put an end to that.
45\tOne time while I was playing with my cars and trucks, my dad stepped on my favorite red fire truck and hurt his foot. It was made of plastic and it crunched and shattered under his foot. He then go mad and kicked all my other toys nearly kicking me in the process, though I quickly dashed out of the way with my chipmunk reflexes.
46\t"Why are his toys in the middle of the room grace! How many times have I said for him to play in his own room!?" he bellowed at my mother.
47\tI started to cry because of my fire truck. She came to pick me up.
48\t"Vich you nearly kicked Jonah! And why did you have to go and kick his toys like that! You are going to damage his self esteem!" she said back.
49\t"He's got to learn Grace. He has a playroom for a reason. He should be in his room playing, not crowding our living room!" he said not skipping a beat.
50\t"Vich what is this really about!? Why are you so beastly with our son?! Why do you keep trying to keep him out of sight!?" Grace said, her voice near to trembling.
51\t"You know what this is about! We had him too young. I want to go out with you, I want to do things, but all we ever do is work work work. It's been that way ever since he was born" he said.
52\tI was beginning to understand what my father really meant, even though I was too young to fully understand. Was I ... not wanted? Was I a ... burden? Was I not loved?
53\tI remember it slowly dawning on me ... just how hurtful those words really were. I looked at my father, with sadness in my eyes, until he acknowledged me. He looked at me, and I could see he was taken a little aback by it. I was becoming self aware enough to follow their conversations, even as young as I was, and he was surprised. He was talking as if I wasn't even there because he thought I was too young to understand. I looked up to my mother to confirm that my father had indeed just rejected me in some way. She looked down at me sympathetically and I knew. I lay my head into my mothers bosom. She put her arms around me.
54\t"Grace why are you coddling him? Why aren't you backing me up? Tell Jonah he needs to keep his toys in his own room" he said, trying to stay on track. My mother wasn't to be sidetracked however.
55\t"Vich, what you said was a terrible thing. It's bad enough you broke one of his toys. You didn't need to be a brute about it and kick the rest of them. Apologize to your son Vich" my mother said sternly.
56\tI looked towards my father, hoping for something, anything that showed he cared about me.
57\tHe looked back at me, and I could see how uncomfortable he was. He didn't know how to feel. But at last he said "Jonah, I'll get you a new fire truck alright". At least he had actually spoken to me, to me as an individual and not a mindless infant. I was still sad about my truck, but I sensed my father was at least trying in his own way and that made me feel a little better about it. "I'll buy another fire truck for him, alright Grace?" he almost pleaded.
58\t "Vich apologize" my mother said.
59\t"Alright! Jonah I am sorry for stepping on your fire truck" my father said.
60\t"And kicking his toys!" pushed my mother. But that was one step too far. He refused to apologize for that. He said I had to learn to keep my toys out of the way.
61\tDespite my mothers protests, because she didn't see anything terribly wrong with me playing out in the living room, eventually she conceded for the sake of the peace.
62\tSo I started hanging out in my room during the day. But the minute night would come I would repeatedly be told to go to bed ... in my own bed. To get me to comply my father would agree to read me a bedtime story, but then it was lights off, door closed and I was to stay in my bed for the night. I would reluctantly agree. But as soon as my father turned the lights off and started to go to close the door I would start begging him not to leave me alone. I'd wake up and start fussing even if I had already fallen asleep.
63\tMy mother of course would instigate. Let him sleep with us just for tonight, Jonah can start sleeping in his own room, tomorrow, or next week, or something. But she would never stick to it. I would fuss and she would bend.
64\tThen one night when me and my mother were sleeping in bed together while Vich was away, I was snuggling with her as usual while she was passed out. I was not quite sleeping though. I sat up and looked at my mother in the dim light. She had her hair tussled about just partially covering her face. She wore a semi-transparent night gown, and I could see her bra and panties underneath. As I looked at her, finally able to really look at her, I became overwhelmed with a feeling of how beautiful she was.
65\tI gentle brushed the hair away from her face. She was always protecting me and showing me love. I wanted to show her how much I loved her ... and so I threw myself into her arms and kiss her. But it wasn't any kiss. It was an impassioned deep kiss like my father would give her. I rubbed my hands up and down her body, as my father had done, and it was wonderfully soft ---- my mother woke up with a startle! "Jonah! What ... what are you doing?!" she almost shrieked genuinely horrified. She pulled away and pulled the cover over her barely covered body. I sat there not understanding why my mother had pulled away and from me like that. She looked at me so strangely. Like I was ... crazy. It was like it finally dawned on her ... something might seriously be wrong with her kid ...
66\tI understand now. I understand now why my behavior was seen as so strange. But I was too young to understand then. All I felt was the shock ... the shock of my mother of all furs also pulling away from me. Just as my father had done when I sought affection from him.
67\t"Jonah. Listen carefully to me. What were you just doing" my mother said to me sternly.
68\tI looked up at her ashamed at myself, though I didn't know why. Clearly I had done something very very bad. "I wanted to kiss you mommy".
69\t"Jonah" my mother began "I was sleeping. You startled me."
70\t"I'm sowwy. I just love you a lot mommy." I said.
71\t"Jonah, I know you do. Mommy loves you a lot too. But I want you to listen very carefully to mommy ... were you ... trying to ... kiss me ... like daddy does?" the words came awkwardly and hesitantly from my mother.
72\t"Uh huh" I said, as I fiddled with my hands not really sure how to feel or what to do.
73\t"Okay Jonah, listen to me. Mommy and daddy are married. What we do is something only for furs who are married. It's called intimacy. You are too young to have that with anyone. You will have to wait to grow up." my mother said.
74\t"Does that mean I can't hug you?" I asked genuinely concerned.
75\t"Hugging is fine Jonah. But putting your hands all over me is not. You have your body and I have my body, and it's important to keep our hands to ourselves. We all need privacy. But it is okay for us to put our arms around each other and hug as a mother and son. Do you understand?" she said.
76\tI shook my head in acknowledgement. "But can I kiss you?" I pressed.
77\t"I know we kissed when you were younger, but you are getting older now. Kissing on the lips is for mommy's and daddy's okay. But you can always give mommy a little kiss on the cheek. Okay baby?"
78\t"Okay" I said bashfully.
79\t"Alright. Come here" she said, and she put her arms out to give me a hug.
80\tI fell into her arms feeling my first sense of shame and guilt. But she wrapped her arms around me and I felt better about it. I had made a mistake, but I was forgiven.
81\tThen she told me gently "Jonah, this doesn't mean mommy loves you any less. I will always love you ... very very much. And no matter how old you get I promise that we can always hug like this"
82\t"Really?" I said. "Absolutely" she responded.
83\tWith that I gave her an even bigger hug and she responded in kind.
84\tAfter that she put me back in the bed and pulled up the covers. She kissed me on the forehead and said "Now go to bed, and no more surprise kisses in the middle of the night, alright kiddo?". I nodded my head in acknowledgement, content with the understanding that my mother still loved me.
85\tThis wasn't the only weird thing I did at around this time. One time when my father was urinating in the toilet I needed to go too so I ran up and pulled my pants to pee in the toilet with my father. He didn't seem to mind and seemed to respond positively to us standing and peeing in the toilet together. It was a bonding moment ... that was until I decided to take it too far. I started looked at how big his peen was compare to mind and without consciously thinking I decided to wrap my paws around it to see how it felt. "HEY WHAT THE FUCK!" he shouted as I got some piss on my hand while he pried my hand off.
86\tHe quickly grabbed me and washed my paw off but he turned the water on way too hot! "OW! OW!! OW!!!" I yelled. "Vich what is going on" came Grace as she walked into the bathroom. "This kid grabbed my cock!" he said disgusted. "Don't EVER TOUCH ANOTHER MAN'S COCK DO YOU HEAR ME!?!" he yelled in my face. It's not like I put any thought into it. It just happened. I didn't know any better. "Vich that's not how you teach a child. You need to explain it calmly" Grace tried to reason. "Nah uh, he has got future faggot written all over him, we need to nip this in the bud now, else he's gonna turn" he sternly warned. "Vich this ain't an infection, he's not gonna magically catch the gay from touching your cock once. But you mistreating him all the time might turn 'em!" she said standing her ground. "Oh no, your not turning this on me..." and so on and so on ... sigh ... why did I always have to be at the center of their squabbles ... -_-;
87\tAnother time a little while after this incident I had started to feel lonely and bored because my father kept ignoring and not playing with me. So when my father came out of the shower rubbing his head with a towel I had a playful idea to get my father's attention. I thought it would be funny if I stuck my face just below his tail and kissed his bottom, and so I did, rubbing the top of my head with the underside of his tail nuzzling myself inwards. I got his attention alright ... negative attention that is!
88\tHe reacted violently and turned around and smacked me with such force it sent me to the floor. His claws scratched my face. I looked up scared and confused by the reaction.
89\tMy mother got very mad at him, "How could you hit Jonah like that, he's only a child!" but my father said "That little faggot literally stuck his nose up my ass! Grace that isn't normal!". "Don't talk about our son that way! He doesn't know any better. You could have accidently snapped his neck hitting him like that!" she said. As usual I didn't quite understand the severity of what I did, or the argument it had provoked.
90\tI didn't know it at the time, but looking back these incidents of inappropriate behavior with both my parents, they are probably what convinced my mother that it was time for me to stop sleeping in the bed with them, as my father had said. It was time for me to sleep in my own room.
91\tNow it wasn't just my father saying to stay in the room, it was my mother too!
92\t"But momma!" I would plead with tears streaming down my face. "Jonah, no and that's final. You are growing up. You need to sleep in your own bed." she said sternly to me. I couldn't believe she was taking Vich's side now.
93\tI must have been such a burden to my parents. I made bedtime so difficult. Finally in desperation my parents gave me a nightlight and a stuffed animal to help calm me. The nightlight would have this beautiful slowly spinning light display on the ceiling of stars and moons. It was soothing and would help me drift off to sleep.
94\tBut an even greater comfort to me was the stuffed animal. It was a cute little feral grey mouse with a friendly smile, big ears and a long tail to play with. I remember the night my mother first gave it to me. She acted it out climbing on to my bed and greeting me. She made it wave to me and I lit up. She made it seem to come alive for me. "This little guy is your special friend. Whenever you are scared and lonely you can hug and squeeze him as much as you want! And remember mommy and daddy are never far, and we will be there in the morning when you get up." she said reassuringly.
95\tI gave my new toy a big hug.
96\t"Okay hun?" my mother said soothingly.
97\t"Okay mommy" I smiled. Then she booped my little nose and gave me a little kiss on the forehead. Then my father would give me a little tickle and a fist bump on my cheek and say "night kiddo", "night daddy" I'd respond. Then they'd slowly close the door and I would be alone.
98\tNot long after I would start to feel lonely. I missed mommy and daddy so much that it felt almost unbearable. But I'd try to be a good little boy for them. I'd hug my little stuffed mousy boy as tightly as I could. I would start rubbing my cheeks and rub my hands up and down it feeling the soft fur to help alieviate the fear and loneliness. I'd then wrap my legs around it and feel the gentle pressure on my groin. And then I'd drift off to sleep ...
99\tWhen the sun came up I was happy as a clam. I'd rush into mommy & daddy's room and jump on their bed and wake them up. They would still be tired. But groggily they'd get up to start preparing breakfast. I was taken on outings daily since I couldn't be left home alone, so I was never without at least one of my parents during the day, and I was happy, even if I had to spend most of the time in the stroller. Not so much because I couldn't walk. I could walk pretty well already, and besides I could also dash around on all fours very well if I really needed to get around. Of course, I was strongly discouraged from doing that and told to walk like a "proper chipmunk" but I didn't see what all the fuss was about. Going on fours was a lot faster and more natural. I even started my attempts at climbing around this time, leaping up on store shelves and sometimes scurrying about on the levels that happened to be empty. This REALLY annoyed my mom. I was apparently making a scene. When I saw other children I wanted to pester them as well. Pull their hair, grab their tails, and play with their ears. Because I was such a handful my mother had to keep me in the stroller most of the time. I was simply too much of a "scurrier". Not atypical for a chipmunk, but I suppose I was a particularly bad case. I was just curious about everything and everyone, and my rodent nature would just take over and I would just explore anything and everything I could get my hands on.
100\tDespite the scolding and the nagging, still, I enjoyed my outings with mom. Sometimes I'd even get to go out with both my parents. They liked taking me to the lake. There weren't as many children in this part of the park so I was less of a nuisance.
101\tOne day my parents decided to picnic out on the grass and let me go a little ways from them. My dad took a nap and my mother kept a dutiful watch of me from the distance.
102\tA little badger boy was looking upset. He was younger than me I think.
103\t"What's wrong?" I said.
104\tHe pointed to a little toy boat floating just out of reach floating on the lake.
105\t"Oh, you want your boat?" I asked. He shook his head yes while looking teary eyed.
106\tI was still very afraid of the water, but I still liked boats. I still had fond memories of playing with them in the tub when I was younger. I liked the way they floated. It gave me a sense of security to know they couldn't sink. I wanted to help the little boy but I knew this would be dangerous. I got real low on my hands and knees and tried to reach out for it with one paw. It was just a little too far for me. I almost lost my balance once. This wasn't going to work.
107\tSo I tried to look for a stick but was having trouble finding one. "Look!" The boy said, and pointed to the boat that was starting to slowly drift even further from the lake edge. Luckily I had found a stick that I thought should be long enough.
108\tI quickly rushed over and got on my hands and knees again. I tried to reach over to the boat with the stick, but my fine motor skills were still developing. I managed to make contact with the boat but had only pushed it out further still. I felt afraid but I really wanted to make that little boy happy and retrieve that boat. So far I'd been nothing but trouble to other children, this would be the first time I would actually do something helpful! Maybe he'd like me.
109\tI leaned forward and extended as far as I could and ... I caught the boat! And then I fell into the lake!
110\tI started to flail around and panic, I couldn't feel the bottom anywhere and my head was dipping down below the water already.
111\t"HELP! HELP!" the little boy yelped.
112\t"VICH GET UP! JONAH'S DROWNING!" I heard my mother say.
113\tFor all my struggling it was useless. I sank down below the water and the terror returned. That horrible sinking feeling of something coming for me, and me being powerless to stop it.
114\tThankfully moments later my father had dived in and lifted me out of the water. He was tall enough to stand in it just fine although it was all the way up to nearly his shoulders.
115\t"Pop, get the boat ..." I said.
116\tMy father grabbed the boat and gave it to the kid, and then handed me to my mother.
117\t"Don't ever do that again!" my mother yelled at me.
118\t"That's it, Jonah needs to take swimming lessons" my father said.
119\t"Vich he is terrified of the water and too young besides" Grace said.
120\tThey argued for a bit after that. Vich would bring it up every so often and my mother would try to argue it wasn't a good idea. That I needed time to recover from my trauma first.
121\tAnyway, I stayed away from the lake edge after that. Sometimes I'd see kids playing with those motorized boats, and I'd think, I really wanted one of those. It was so cool seeing them skip about in the water, and they didn't even have to get so close to the edge. I'd point it out to my parents and ask if we could get one but they said it was too expensive and my mom would say she didn't want me falling in again.
122\tIn any case, even if it was only for a walk, I enjoyed my outings with my parents. I particularly loved it when they would both hold my arms with me in the middle.
123\tBut inevitably every day ended in nightfall, and with that the dread of having to go to sleep in my room at night all by myself again. I would already get antsy as the time approached.
124\t"Alright kiddo, time fer bed" my mother would say around 8 or 9.
125\t"No ... no no no no!" I'd start to panic.
126\t"KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF!" my father would bark.
127\t"Vich, let me handle this." my mother would say.
128\t"Jonah, you know the rules. You are a big boy now, and you need to sleep in your own bed now. We bought you that nice little bed. It'd be a shame for it to go to waste." she coaxed.
129\t I continued to pout.
130\t"And what about your friend Stuffy, won't he be lonely without you?" she said, trying to trick me.
131\tBut I wasn't fooled. "He can sleep with us all. I'll take him to your bed" I said.
132\t"No no no. Both of you have your own bed and we have ours. Two's company but four is -" my mother began.
133\t"an orgy" finished Vich with a sly smirk.
134\tMy mother would elbow him "Knock that off Vich!"
135\tAnd so I was marched off to my room in what felt like being sent to the gallows. My mother would act out Stuffy coming to snuggle with me. I'd reach out and grab him and hug him in my arms. My parents would sit either side of me and read me a story, and then it was time to turn on the night light and leave. I'd beg, and I'd plead. My father would lose patience and go to bed, and my mother would spend a few extra minutes convincing me that it would be okay. That they would not be far, and I would see them in the morning, like she always promised.
136\tFinally she'd convince me to let her close the door and leave. Every night this happened it just seemed to get worse and worse for me. I'd rock back and forth with Stuffy between my legs and nibble on his ears to help calm me. Some how I'd manage to drift off to sleep even though the fear and loneliness could keep me up for quite some time after they'd left.
137\tOne night though, it became overwhelming. Why were my parents doing this to me? Why were they pushing me away? Is this what growing up is? Then I want nothing to do with it! I don't want to grow up, I thought as I clung to Stuffy.
138\tI felt the loneliness mounting, until the absence of presence became a presence of absence. I was staring into my closet, which was completely dark. That completely empty blackness ... scared me ... scared me on some primal level I didn't quite understand. Then it felt like ... I knew what it was. It was that same horrible feeling I felt when I drowned in the tub, and when I was drowning in the lake. And now it was simply going to take me while I was in my room alone with no one to protect me.
139\tI ran out of the room with Stuffy and headed over to my parents room. But just before I entered I paused. They might get upset with me. They didn't want me coming into the room at night like this. Then I started to notice the loud noises coming from the room. I could hear my mother making strange moaning sounds. These were the weird sounds I heard in my crib when I was younger. What was it they were doing when I wasn't around? I had to know.
140\tSo I decided I was going to sneak into the room and find out. I slowly opened the door a crack barely making a sound. Then I very carefully poked my head in to see what was going on.
141\tEven with my keen eyesight, given my fox genes, it took a moment for my eyes to adjust. At first I didn't quite understand what I was looking at.
142\tThen all at once it came into focus. Both my parents were naked and my father was laying on top of my mother, grinding his hips betwixt her legs while biting on to her breasts.
143\t"Ow! Vich stop! You're being too rough! Slow down!" my mother said.
144\tI secretly scurried into the room to try and get a closer look. Slowly I raised my head above the edge of the bed to see the raw carnality of what was going on.
145\t"Why are you both naked? Is Daddy hurting you mommy?" I asked with a tone of curiosity and bewilderment, but otherwise as if nothing unusual was going on.
146\tMy mother was the first to respond, "Jonah! No hun, mamma's fine-" she began, but Vich interrupted "Don't talk to him so casually when we are like this".
147\tThen he looked directly at me. His eyes narrowed and his face became snarled and he spoke in a growl "I TOLD YOU TO STAY IN YOUR ROOM! GET OUT!".
148\t"But but ... I w-w-was scared and ..." I began nervously as my father sat up and became more and more imposing, becoming the monster he was again in the beginning.
149\t"I'll give you something to be scared about..." he said with a menacing almost demonic voice. It was his fox snarl coming out and it was the first time I heard him speak like that. I could see his instinct was to chase me down and kill me, and I began to run out of the room in terror.
150\tMoments after leaving the room I could hear my father burst out of the room to chase after me.
151\t"No No NO NO!" I shouted as I scurried about the house the best I could to escape him. But my father had become feral, truly beastly. He wasn't just coming to discipline me, it was like his vulpine instincts had kicked in and he was going for the kill. He also leaped through the house in the dark, knocking things over and breaking them.
152\tAt last he caught me and I curled up into a ball terrified that He was going to literally kill me with a single bite.
153\tInstead he carried me by the scruff back to my room and bent me over my own bed. Then he pulled down my pajama pants and undies in one go and with one hand he pulled my tail up completely exposing my rear end and with the other he began hitting me harder than I had ever been hit.
154\t"OW! OW! OW! OW! DAD STOP YOUR HURTING ME!" I screamed.
155\tNot only was he smacking my rear with full force but his claws were lacerating it as well.
156\t"VICH STOP! STOP YOU ARE GOING TOO FAR!" my mother wailed as she entered the room to see the horror of what was happening.
157\tBut he wouldn't stop. "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO STAY OUT OF OUR ROOM!" he kept saying.
158\tAt last my mother tried to pull him away from me because he might have ended up pulling my tail off or even accidently cutting it off with his claws. Vich got mad and shoved my mother into the door and she got hurt.
159\tOnly then did he stop to see what he had done. "Grace, are you alright?" he said genuinely concerned.
160\t"Don't touch me!" she said as she pushed past him and came to my aid.
161\t"Vich what have you done. Jonah is bleeding. Your claws were cutting him!" she said quivering.
162\tMy mother had me stand in the bathroom while she applied disinfectant as best she could. When she finally tucked me back into bed I was extremely uncomfortable and had to lie on my side. My tail also hurt from all the tugging. Vich slept in the guest bedroom because Grace didn't want to be around him for the rest of the night.
163\tIt took several days for my wounds to start properly healing. Grace and Vich stopped talking to each other for the next few days and tensions were high.
164\tI didn't dare go into my parents room anymore at night. I started to have nightmares again of being hunted down by predators in my sleep.
165\tIn the days that followed I couldn't get the image of what I saw out of my head. Is this why my parents had pushed me away? Is this why they wouldn't let me into their bed anymore at night? Because they spent time naked together? And what were they doing? Rubbing their bits together?
166\tI liked being naked. Why couldn't I join? Maybe because I was wearing clothes?
167\tThis was the strange thinking process that was going on through my head when I decided to sneak into my mother's room while she was taking a shower in the bathroom adjacent to my parents bedroom.
168\tI could hear the shower running and I knew mom would come into the bedroom afterwards while drying herself off. I'd show her I was a big boy. I could be naked too! So I struggled to pull my pants down, then my undies, and then it took some time to pull my shirt over my head. It felt so good to be free of clothes feeling the chilly morning air on my fur. I jumped onto the bed and rubbed myself all over the soft pillows and blankets. No wonder my parents liked to be naked in bed. It felt very nice.
169\tThen I waited there patiently for mom to finish her shower. Boy would she be surprised when she got up and saw me there! I giggled in eager anticipation.
170\tI sat up with the blanket just barely covering my genitals as I heard the doorknob turn. And there was my mom busy drying her hair while her entire body was exposed.
171\tI stood up and proudly announced, "Look mom I'm naked!". My mother quickly pulled the towel way from her face and screamed. She then hastily put the towel around her body. "Jonah what are you doing in my bed naked! Put your clothes on right this minute young man!" my mother said sternly.
172\t"But ... but you are naked ... I just thought ..." I began already starting to feel like I was going to cry.
173\t"This is my room Jonah! I can be naked in my own room. You should have knocked. Heavens to Betsy Imma have to get a lock for our door from now on ..." my mother trailed off, "WHERE ARE YOUR CLOTHES!" my mother demanded. I dutifully pointed to the little heap by the foot of the bed.
174\tJust then my father came into the room. Shit! I knew I was in trouble now.
175\t"WHAT THE FUCK!" came my father, instantly going into snarl mode. I quickly ducked under the covers for safety. "GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE!" my father yelled as he tried to pull the covers from me. "No! No! No!" I whined as I struggled to keep myself all wrapped up.
176\t"Vich don't hurt him!" pleaded my mother. I had really screwed up now. No telling what my father might do.
177\tFinally he managed to whip the covers from me, then he grabbed me by the throat and picked me up, bearing down too tightly and strangling me. I tried to free myself with my hands but I was far too weak to have any chance against him.
178\t"I told you to STAY THE FUCK OUT OF OUR ROOM!" he screamed into my face as he shook me back and forth. "Vich let go, your choking him!" my mother started to gasp.
179\tHe really was gripping too tight. "Let go of MY SON!" Grace said as she started to fight Vich over me. Why me? -_-;
180\t"Fine I'll let go!" he said, and with that he tossed me across the room and I went flying into their room door. THUD! I hit my head but thankfully the flimsy door wasn't that hard and I didn't get too hurt. Still my head was spinning from being choked and then having my head hit. I felt so vulnerable and exposed in that moment. Then my father started to march towards me menacingly. "GET OUT!" he snarled with his demonic fox voice.
181\tI scrambled to my feet like the panicked chipmunk I was, scratched at the door and doorknob futilely. He just kept marching closer. When he finally got to the door he opened it smacking me with it in the process and hurting my foot with it as well.
182\t"GET OUT! GET OUT!! GET OUT!!!" he demanded. My panicked brain couldn't get me to scramble out of there fast enough and he managed to kick me in the rear end as I scampered out on all fours!
183\tI ran to my room and shut the door. I curled my legs and wrapped my arms around myself. I felt so ashamed of myself and my body. I was still naked. Outside I could hear my parents arguing louder than ever before. My mother was really really upset this time. She was even more upset with Vich than she was with me a moment ago.
184\tI started to cry as my parents continued to argue. Then I heard a door slam. A minute later I heard a gentle knock on the door. I got scared and curled up into a ball.
185\t"Jonah ... Jonah it's me" said my mother sweetly, "come on and open the door, Daddy went for a ... walk".
186\tI opened the door and there I was standing naked before my mother with big sad eyes. She had already gotten dressed at this point and she had my clothes all nicely folded up in her hands.
187\t"Jonah are you hurt?" she asked. I shook my head no. I mean I was, but it was more emotional pain than physical pain that was bothering me.
188\t"Come on let's put your clothes on." she coaxed. And I shook my head in agreement. Then she carefully helped me put my clothes back on and then told me, "Go sit on the bed, I need to have a talk with you".
189\tSo I sat down on my little bed and my mother sat next to me.
190\t"Jonah do you know what you did that was wrong?" she began calmly. I shook my head no, not sure of much of anything at this point.
191\t"Did you take off your clothes and climb into our bed because you saw mommy and daddy naked together?" she asked. I shook my head up and down.
192\t"Alright Jonah I want you to listen. This is very important. Yah-Hasha taught us that our bodies are shameful because they are an abominable amalgamation of man and beast. They are not something to share with everyone. Animals go around naked shamelessly, but we are not animals Jonah, we are Yah-Hasha's special children. He taught us to wear clothing when we were banished from The Earth" my mother began, mystifying and confusing me.
193\t"Whose Yah-Hasha?" I asked innocently.
194\t"Yah-Hasha is our defender in heaven. He is the spirit of mercy in the divine court and he is the one that spared us from annihilation, so that we may live forever and ever with him" she said. The more she spoke the less I understood.
195\t"Maybe you are a little too young. Alright. I'll try and keep it simple. Our bodies only belong to us, they are not to be shared with another ... save for one exception" she said. I looked up and my ears perked up. So it was okay to be naked with others, but when?
196\t"When two furs are together, and live under Yah-Hasha's blessing, that is to say ... when they are married ... er ... spiritually, like mommy and daddy are ... ahem ... then they are allowed to share their bodies with each other and only each other. We belong to each other Jonah, and no one else. Do you understand?" she asked as she held my hands together in hers.
197\tI shook my head no.
198\t"Okay I'll make it real simple like. Mommy and Daddy need their privacy, okay hun?" she said. I looked up at her and asked, "But you don't need privacy from each other?". "That's right, because we are ... married" my mother said.
199\tI then slumped in my lap. Why did I feel like I was being rejected somehow.
200\t"Oh hun, why you look so glum. Do you think mommy and daddy love you any less? I love you a whole lots, why you're my favoritest little chipmunk in the whole wide world!" she said tickling me and making me giggle. That brought a momentary smile to my face, though it didn't really address my fundamental doubt. "And daddy?" I asked. "... Daddy loves you too hun" she tried to reassure me. "Why does he hurt me?" I asked. "Well unfortunately your daddy has a bit of a temper problem, but he is still your dad and he still loves you. Please be a good boy now for mommy and daddy, okay. From now on you should knock before entering our room, and you should be wearing clothes unless you are bathing or you've just taken a bath, okay?" she said. I shook my head yes and she gave me a hug. Then she checked to make sure I hadn't hit my head too hard and checked my neck and asked if I felt alright.
201\t Vich came home later, and I peeked out of my room frightened by his presence. He didn't really say anything to me for the rest of the afternoon, but I did overhear a conversation between my mom and dad.
202\t"That boy has serious issues. I think we need to take him to a child psychologist" he said. "Oh pish posh, he don't need none of 'em crackpots" she said. "I'm serious Grace. We have got to get this behavior under control or it's only gonna get worse" he warned.
203\tThese sorts of arguments became increasingly common. I guess at some point he managed to convince her there was some issue because I remember being brought to a "doctor" of some sort for a short period of time. I would get to go to a room with toys and books and a strange fusty old muskrat would talk to me and ask me strange questions like "Does your mothar or fathar touch you between the legs?". "No..." I would say with a sigh ... of course they wouldn't ... that was the problem ... I thought ... and would then proceed to play with the fun toys, the only reason I liked coming.
204\tI guess not much came of it, or my parents decided this guy wasn't very good at his job because they stopped bothering to take me afterwards. I did however overhear him speaking with my parents the last time I was taken and he said something about "I believe your son has an acute case of the Oedipus and Electra complex ... I must say the latter condition is quite unusual for a boy ... It's absolutely extraordinary! A vindication of my founder's finest vwerk! You must agree to allow me to er study your son's case closer and submit a journal about my findings to the department of psychology". Guess that was the end of that!
205\tAnd just as well because far from improving the situation he had only managed to confound me further. Were my parents ... suppose to touch me between the legs? Did that mean they didn't love me? Did they only love each other? Is that why they could be naked together? Did I have anyone that I could love?
206\tWhat exactly was it they were doing? Why was my father rubbing his bits with my mothers? Was such the ultimate form of love?
207\tIf I couldn't join them in their naked romps then I would just have my own in the privacy of my room.
208\tSo I started taking to closing my room door in the middle of the day so that I could take off my clothes and look at myself without my parents getting upset with me. I would take off all my clothes in the little bathroom for my room and then climb up on the sink and look at my bits in the mirror. I'd try to squeeze my peen out of it's sheath. Sometimes I had trouble getting it out, other times it would readily come out on its own. Strange I thought.
209\tI also liked lifting my tail to the mirror and looking at my rear end with my head between my legs. I'd see my testicles and my little anus.
210\tSometimes when I was sitting on the toilet I would try to stick my fingers up my anus and go as far as I could go. It felt weird and squishy but also interesting.
211\tOther times I would sit on my bed and I discovered it would feel good when I would flick my sheathed peen, or even my testicles if I did it gently. This would cause my peen to stick out and then I would gently flick it and it felt good. No wonder my parents liked to be naked together. It felt good to have contact with ones bits.
212\tIn further experiments I took to laying on my bed naked lying on my stomach. Then I would imitate the humping motion I had learned from my father. This felt really really good I noticed.
213\tI started doing even stranger things, like stroking my hands all over my body, rubbing my tail on my own genitals, sticking my fingers in my mouth and then rubbing the saliva on my genitals or anus. If my body was my own, I figured, at least I could explore these sensations on my own. They certainly felt interesting.
214\tI'd enjoy stretching my naked body out and displaying it openly for no one to see.
215\tThen one day I saw Stuffy the mouse sitting there, and he just happened to be facing the bed. So I displayed myself to him. Then an idea occurred to me. Stuffy and me could be married! Yes if we were married then we could be naked together. Stuffy was a partially feral mouse so he didn't wear any clothing.
216\tWhat exactly was wrong about being naked? Animals were naked all the time. We're animals wrong for this? We're animals shameful in some way? Was being like an animal shameful? Is that why the anthromorphs did everything in their power to differentiate themselves from them?
217\tIn any case I no longer had to feel ashamed when I was alone in my room with Stuffy. I'd hide under the blankets so my parents would never know what I was up to and I'd rub stuffy all over my naked body, especially my genitals. I'd make stuffy kiss me there and it excited me so much. Stuffy loved me ... Stuffy loved all of me ... even the most shameful parts.
218\tThen the thought finally occurred to me. What did it feel like to rub bits together? So I laid stuffy down on the bed and pressed my crotch against his. Then I started making the humping motion just like my father had done with my mother.
219\tSuddenly I was harder than I'd ever been before. It felt incredible and I soon started pounding away with abandon. I knew not to make too much noise lest my parents hear me and maybe know what I was up to, but it was hard to hold back it felt so nice feeling the soft plushie furry rubbing against my hard exposed peener.
220\tI did this for a long time until suddenly my body felt all tingly with ecstasy. Something weird was happening but it felt wonderful. I started having these real strange and intense feelings for Stuffy. "Oh Stuffy, my Stuffy, I love you" I panted. I few intense humps later and suddenly something exploded in my mind. A huge release of pleasure and then relief. I had no idea what just happened but I knew one thing ... this was something I wanted to share with another fur, just like my parents got to do with each other ...
...to be continued...
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