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"description": "Better Than Best Friends\nChapter 3: Heart of Our Family\n\nWords: 15,210 | Total Words: 30,243\nParagraphs: 367 | Total Paragraphs: 523\nSections: 1\n\nSynopsis:\n\n[i]The story continues in the longest chapter yet, but a lot of ground is covered!\n\nJonah ponders the futility of his musings, contemplates a bitter fantasy of Jonathan mourning his death, and then implodes into a spiral of self hatred. Ultimately though he decides to continue to relive his childhood memories, in as near a linear order as possible to find the source of his feelings for Jonathan.\n\nIn this chapter Jonah's relationship with his father is greatly elaborated on, we see both moments of cruelty and tenderness, a young father trying to figure out how to feel about his son. Jonah begins to exhibit agency in the story as he goes from infancy to his not so terrible twos. Jonah learns to walk, talk and ultimately learns of the nature of family and children.\n\nJonah is content for the moment to be his parents child, but we see his first budding curiosity towards other children his age.\n\nSome kind of family stability is reached but Jonah knows all too well how the story will end ...[/i]\n\nCommentary:\n\nThis was a long time coming and was a chapter that was a bit of a struggle, but I think I'm pleased with how this turned out. In the end everything tied together. If I have done this well, then it should set the stage for the rest of the story. Concepts presented here will be elaborated in subsequent chapters. Stay tuned ...\n\nThoughts? Feedback appreciated.\n\nZivrshka\n\nChapter Outro:\nUlrich Schnauss - A Strangely Isolated Place - A Strangely Isolated Place (2019 Remaster)\nhttps://open.spotify.com/track/41YhyCMo1GlUBgRLH5fQGP?si=UYuinjIBRESlhYybIVpGQQ",
"description_bbcode_parsed": "Better Than Best Friends
Chapter 3: Heart of Our Family
Words: 15,210 | Total Words: 30,243
Paragraphs: 367 | Total Paragraphs: 523
Sections: 1
Synopsis:
The story continues in the longest chapter yet, but a lot of ground is covered!
Jonah ponders the futility of his musings, contemplates a bitter fantasy of Jonathan mourning his death, and then implodes into a spiral of self hatred. Ultimately though he decides to continue to relive his childhood memories, in as near a linear order as possible to find the source of his feelings for Jonathan.
In this chapter Jonah's relationship with his father is greatly elaborated on, we see both moments of cruelty and tenderness, a young father trying to figure out how to feel about his son. Jonah begins to exhibit agency in the story as he goes from infancy to his not so terrible twos. Jonah learns to walk, talk and ultimately learns of the nature of family and children.
Jonah is content for the moment to be his parents child, but we see his first budding curiosity towards other children his age.
Some kind of family stability is reached but Jonah knows all too well how the story will end ...
Commentary:
This was a long time coming and was a chapter that was a bit of a struggle, but I think I'm pleased with how this turned out. In the end everything tied together. If I have done this well, then it should set the stage for the rest of the story. Concepts presented here will be elaborated in subsequent chapters. Stay tuned ...
Thoughts? Feedback appreciated.
Zivrshka
Chapter Outro:
Ulrich Schnauss - A Strangely Isolated Place - A Strangely Isolated Place (2019 Remaster)
https://open.spotify.com/track/41YhyCMo1GlUBgRLH5fQGP?s...",
"writing": "[center][b][i][color=#ff0000]Better Than Best Friends[/color][/i][/b][/center]\n[center][b]Chapter 3[/b][/center][center][b]Heart of Our Family[/b][/center]\n[b]1[/b]\t... An idea waiting to be born ... to be made manifest ... waiting ... and what am I waiting for? Waiting to be reborn? No, not without my [u]Jonathan[/u]! Waiting to wither away back to the void where I belong! ... sigh ... and it's taking fovever ...\n\n[b]2[/b]\t... what time is it?\n\n[b]3[/b]\t[i]I turned to look at the clock. It read:[/i] \n\n[b]4[/b][center]11:39 AM FR[/center]\n[b]5[/b] [i]I lay my head back onto the bed.[/i]\n\n[b]6[/b]\t... it's not even noon yet, yet it feels like I've already relived a lifetime. Why does time seem to move so slowly now?\n\n[b]7[/b]\tI guess without the distractions of life, without the constant need to do something to survive I am left just to go deeper and deeper into my thoughts. Faster and faster they run with nothing to stop them anymore ... and as I do so my subjective sense of time just gets slower and slower, but that sounds like the musings of a madfur. Surely my subjective mental state could not have that drastic an effect on the passage of time ... I hope ...\n\n[b]8[/b]\tStill the fact remains that I don't really know what I'm hoping to accomplish here. What will all this thinking get me? Will it bring back [u]Jonathan[/u]? No. Will it make me forget everything [u]we[/u] shared together? No. Will it let me simply let go and move on? No. If anything I grow more and more in love with [u]him[/u] every second. How I long to bask in [u]his[/u] tender embrace. Why do I torment myself with these endless thoughts of [u]him[/u]? Do I really think that this daydreaming will lead to anything meaningful? No, this is more like a compulsion. I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to.\n\n[b]9[/b]\t[i]...at that moment, my melancholy musings were interrupted by a creek of my room door...[/i]\n\n[b]10[/b]\t[i]\"Jonah?\" whispered my mother, not daring to show herself. Tears began to well up in me and I turned to face away from the door. I was not ready to share my pain with a soul, not even my mother ... especially not my mother. Who knows what monstrous things she'd think of me if she truly knew the awful things I had done ... the irredeemable things deep in my heart ...[/i]\n\n[b]11[/b]\t[i]\"Jonah, are you still asleep?\" she persisted with a tone that almost sounded ... frightened. But I couldn't face it. My mother had given me the perfect excuse. Yes, I was asleep. Leave. Just leave before I can't bare it anymore, I thought as I curled up with my pillow about to burst into uncontrollable tears again[/i]\n\n[b]12[/b]\t[i]\"Jonah, I don't know if you are awake or not, or if you are even listening ... but I'm going to say this anyway just in case. I just want you to know Jonah, that I love you very very much. Nothing you could ever say or do could change that. I'm ready to hear whatever it is you need to tell me when you are ready ...\" she said[/i]\n\n[b]13[/b]\t[i]I held my breath. I used everything in my power to hold my emotions in. I thought I wouldn't be able to hold it much longer, and then just when I thought I was about to burst I heard her slowly walk off. A sigh of relief. No, I told myself. I would not tell her.[/i] \n\n[b]14[/b]\tI can never tell her what happened, on that night- ... never ... she must never know, no one must ever know. I will suffer in silence, I will hold this secret in the deepest recesses of my heart and mind, I will never betray [u]Jonathan[/u] and let it be known what happened that night. It will be [u]our one secret[/u], to be shared between [u]us[/u] and no one else, not our friends, not even [u]our[/u] own parents. [u]Our[/u] one last sacred connection. I shall not breath a word of it and the secret shall parish with me. When I die [u]Jonathan[/u] will be able to breath a sigh of relief. Hopefully then [u]he[/u] will also be able to shed a tear for [u]his[/u] dear friend without shame as well.\n\n[b]15[/b]\t[i]...This daydream left me with a bittersweet joy... but some part of me recognized the folly of such idyll thoughts ... clearly I was imagining a fantasy. Was I really prepared to die over [u]Jonathan[/u]? Was I really suggesting to break [u]his[/u] heart just to prove a point? Did I really foolishly think that's what [u]he[/u] wanted? Just to keep [u]our[/u] secret? The childish fantasy of Martyrdom. I would prove how much I loved [u]him[/u] through death. That would prove how much [u]he[/u] meant to me ... then [u]he'd[/u] be sorry ... sorry for abandoning [u]his[/u] best friend. Regret not listening to his pleas for forgiveness. Not seeing that he had only the best of intentions ... but I could not completely fool myself. I knew this was just a seed of bitterness emerging. I knew that the gravity of my actions could not merely be so easily overlooked and forgiven. I turned to the other side of the bed, angry with myself. Angry for dreaming up such ludicrous nonsense, angry for being unable to resist the temptation to indulge in them anyway. It was disrespectful to think I could manipulate [u]Jonathan[/u] in this way. But truly I was sorry. I almost felt so dreadful I could stab a knife in my own heart. I hate myself, I HATE myself, I HATE MYSELF! ...[/i]\n\n[b]16[/b] [center]...[/center]\n\n[b]17[/b]\t[i]... I sobbed for a while after that ... there was nothing else to think ... only feeling remained: unbearable burning self loathing and a deep endless sense of forlorning ...[/i]\n\n[b]18[/b]\t[i]... at last the pain subsided momentarily after what seemed like an eternity that would never end ... I turned to look at the clock. It read:[/i]\n\n[b]19[/b] [center]11:41 AM FR[/center]\n[b]20[/b]\tNot possible. How could only two minutes have passed in all this time?! Was this what I had to look forward to ... minutes of real time turned into nightmarish hours of mental anguish!? How would I even survive to the end of today let alone the rest of my life like this! For the love of God, [i]Yah-Hasha[/i], please just take my life already and send me to the deepest abyss of hell where I can forget I was ever born, and everything else as well!\n\n[b]21[/b]\tWhy does this heart continue to beat in my chest, why do my lungs insist on continuing to breath in air, why does my body insist on continuing to live when I am so very desperate to die in this moment?\n\n[b]22[/b]\t[i]But my heart only beat even faster ... for [u]him[/u] ...[/i]\n\n[b]23[/b]\t[i]That love ... that love is what would not let me die ... as much as I couldn't bear to live ... I couldn't bear to die without [u]him[/u] even more ... THAT was all I had left to live for ... the tiny infinitesimal hope to be [u]his[/u] again ...[/i]\n\n[b]24[/b]\tWhy am I like this? Why couldn't I just be a normal boy like everyone else? Why did I think it wouldn't come to this? Why did I think [u]Jonathan[/u] was the same as me? Why did I think [u]we[/u] were different somehow than everyone else? Special. Unique. Above the normal rules of life. That they didn't apply to [u]us[/u] somehow ... \n\n[b]25[/b]\tWhy did [i]Yah-Hasha[/i] make me this way?!\n\n[b]26[/b] [center][i]\"Yah-Hasha doesn't make anyone that way\"[/i][/center]\n\n[b]27[/b] [center][i]said a voice.[/i][/center]\n\n[b]28[/b] [i]\"Whose there?\" I said out loud. Silence. I must be losing my mind. Just my imagination ... I hope ...[/i]\n\n[b]29[/b]\tBut the voice is right. [i]Yah-Hasha[/i] doesn't make mistakes. This must be my fault somehow, somehow ... I made myself this way ...\n\n[b]30[/b]\tARGH! Why did I have to fall in love with [u]him[/u]? Why did I have to let my feelings for [u]him[/u] get this out of control! Stupid, stupid Jonah! Where did I go wrong?! It all started out so innocent. All I wanted was a friend. All I wanted was to just not be alone for my whole life. But it looks like that's exactly what is going to happen, and I have only my memories and thoughts to keep me company now ...\n\n[b]31[/b]\t[i]... \"How did this all begin?\", I asked myself genuinely mystified. There was nothing to be done about it. I couldn't change it now. All I could do was seek to understand how it had come about. How my choices had lead me into this sweet yet deadly trap.[/i]\n\n[b]32[/b]\tWhere did I leave off ... my mother's loving face, my father's awful snarl, the crib, the mobile, the television program with that [u]one rabbit boy[/u], the mess in the kitchen, the night terrors ...\n\n[b]33[/b]\tIt was all such an awful long time ago, I'm not sure how to even remember it all in the right order. But I guess it doesn't matter. There is only one order that matters ... my life before [u]Jonathan[/u] and my life after.\n\n[b]34[/b]\tWho even was I before I met [u]him[/u]? I was a scared and lonely boy looking for love. A child, an infant, has no choice but to seek love from their parents. From whom else are they to receive it? But what if you are simply denied that love? What does that do to a mind of a young child? Warp it beyond recognition? Shatter their sense of self from the inside out?\n\n[b]35[/b]\tI was so young and understood so little. But as the months went by and I became more self aware I became increasingly aware of my father's presence not as a scary monster but as [i]some kind of care giver[/i]. Some part of my biology ... wanted his approval. Yes. I wanted that monsters approval, I wanted my father's love! I've forgotten those feelings. They were so painful I banished them from my mind. I thought I'd never have to revisit them again. But ... if I'm to really understand where this all began, I think I need to face these feelings again. Somewhere deep down in my heart there is a primal wound that has never completely healed.\n\n[b]36[/b]\tFor so many years I've hated myself. Hated my pointy little vulpine ears, hated my tiny little fangs hidden behind my incisors. Sure I'm a chipmunk. I think of myself as a chipmunk, society thinks of me as a chipmunk. In theory I'm not any different than any other chipmunk. But in practice, as a mixed breed I have physical anomalies not found in pure breeds. Just like all mixed breeds, there are little vestiges of my bloodline. I don't like to think of these aspects of myself. For long stretches of time I've forgotten about them. It seems that it is time at last for me to face my inner demons. To face myself. To face ... my first true abandonment ...\n\n[b]37[/b]\t... only then will I really understand why I'm like this ...\n\n[b]38[/b]\tWhat was my first memory of really interacting with my father? In my earliest memories it was my mother that always fed and changed me, but things changed at some point. She had to be away more, especially at night. She was taking night classes and my father needed to assume more of a parental role, at least for the time being during the times she was away.\n\n[b]39[/b]\tI remember being strapped to my highchair wondering where my mother was. Instead of her soft doe-like face, my father came into view. I felt a slight tinge of fear and pushed back into my chair a little, but my father did not seem to notice. He just sat down on the chair and calmly went to go open one of the jars of baby chipmunk food. He wore a filthy white wife-beater, and a pair of unkempt old blue jeans, and not much else. I looked upon him, studied him, really getting a good look at him for the first time. What was this imposing monster before me? What exactly was he doing here? Why did he live with us anyway? Where was mommy?\n \n[b]40[/b]\tI felt fear in his presence, but now there was something else. A sense of awe. To my tiny chipmunk self he was a large and imposing figure. It was my first real awareness of unfettered male prowess. Granted, as a vuplimorph, a fox, my father was more lithe and sleek than bulky and buff. None the less he could still be quite strong, despite his lean appearance, his predator genes made sure of that. His body was so different than my mothers, both because of his sex but also because of his species. Strength and power emanated from him, even when he was calm and at ease as in this moment. It was frightening but the sturdiness also carried a sense of assurance to it. I watched as he meticulously tried get his large paw pads to turn the lid on the jar.\n\n[b]41[/b]\tI noticed his long sharp claws as he did so. My claws are not nearly as impressive, but they are slightly sharper than an ordinary chipmunks due to my fathers genetic influence.\n \n[b]42[/b]\tSuddenly he got up angrily. I pulled back thinking he was going to hit me all of a sudden. I closed my eyes, but no strike came. I opened one eye tentatively. He had merely gone over to the kitchen counter to try to find a way to open the lid.\n\n[b]43[/b]\tI tried to turn my head as best I could to get a view of what he was up to. He apparently was bent over the stove trying to heat up the lid to get it to pop off.\n\n[b]44[/b]\t\"Stupid fucking piece of crap!\" he grumbled to himself.\n\n[b]45[/b]\tFinally with a towel and a pop he got it off. He noisily fingered through metal utensils in one of the draws. \"Where fuck does she keep the god damned baby spoons!\" he growled. I was starting to get nervous. Where was my mother? Why had she left me with the monster? No telling what he planned to do to me. Was he fumbling for something to hurt me with?!\n\n[b]46[/b]\tI began to cry, first just whimpers. Then the tears started to come uncontrollably as I experienced a mix of missing my mother and fear of what my father might do to me in her absence. \"Mama? Mama! Mama!?\" I kept saying as I started to get hysterical realizing she wasn't there.\n\n[b]47[/b]\t\"SHUT THE FUCK UP!\" he bellowed.\n\n[b]48[/b]\tMy fear overwhelmed my sadness and I managed to choke it down so as not to provoke more scary loud outbursts like that again.\n\n[b]49[/b]\tThen he said more calmly more to himself then me \"Your mama's not here. She's finishing school, so you're stuck with me ... and I'm stuck with you, now where the fuck is it ...\" he trailed off.\n\n[b]50[/b]\tI continued to sob quietly. It was bad enough I was being left in the crib alone all the time, but at least I knew my mother was not far. I'd sometimes catch glimpses of her from my crib. But now she wasn't around at all? And I was alone with the big scary monster?! I tried to see if I could find my way out of the highchair without raising the monsters suspicions. But it was no use. I was trapped. I didn't know how to get out of the chair. [i]gulp...[/i]\n\n[b]51[/b]\tAfter some frantic fumbling through draws, my father had at last found what he was looking for, \"finally ...\" he said, and sat down gruffly.\n\n[b]52[/b]\tHe had the open jar in one hand and a tiny little baby spoon in the other. Was the monster ... intending on feeding me? I looked up into his eyes with a bashful kind of skepticism. He looked at me, really looked at me for the first time. The slit eyes frightened me but I was kind of entranced by them as well. Why was he looking at me like that? What was he thinking? \"don't look at me like that\" he said directly to me for the first time. He went to go scoop some food into the tiny spoon; mashed up nuts and berries as is typical for an infant chipmunk. He slowly brought it towards my mouth, just slightly out of reach.\n\n[b]53[/b]\tI looked up at him with a look of bewilderment. Surely he wasn't serious. Did he seriously expect me to come to the food? Was he really not going to just give it to me? Despite my pleading looks he refused to meet my eyes.\n \n[b]54[/b]\tIf I leaned in a bit perhaps I could reach it. But I was still afraid of him. Was this a trick? Was he gonna get me to lean in and then hurt me? I looked up at him sheepishly trying to discern if this was a trap.\n\n[b]55[/b]\t\"Come on! TAKE IT!\" He barked.\n\n[b]56[/b]\tI was afraid, but I was also hungry. It was just a matter of what motivation was stronger, and right now my fear was mostly winning. I stuck my tongue out tentatively trembling a little with fear but it was just a little too far. But I really didn't want to have to lean in. It felt like opening myself up to be snatched up and eaten. As I leaned in he seemed to be pulling it away slightly, like he was trying to coax me to move, but really I just think he was distracted. I looked up at him like I was begging him to just bring it closer. \"Please Mr. Monster? Can't you just bring the food to me? Why are you making me try and be closer to you?\" I said with my eyes.\n\n[b]57[/b]\tHe looked directly at me and I could see the resentment in his eyes. I wasn't doing things the way he wanted. \"I said take the food! You want me to reach over to you! Fine, HERE!\" and with that he shoved the spoon into my mouth suddenly and unexpectedly! I gagged and ended up choking on the food. My father padded my back and I coughed some of it up on my bib. \"Fuck, fuck...\" he said nervously, more worried for himself than me, then he went and got a rag to wipe up my bib.\n \n[b]58[/b]\tThen something strange happened. There was a moment of tenderness. The first time I felt it from my father. I was experiencing strange confusing mixed emotions in that moment. On the one hand this monster frequently terrified and sometimes harmed me, intentional or not. On the other hand there was this emerging tenderness with which he wiped the bib. Was he ... trying to take care of me? Was he trying to be like mommy while she was away? I looked up at him with new eyes. Who was this fur? What did he want with me? What was I to him? A meal? Someone to gobble down when mommy wasn't there to protect me? Or something else? Someone to take care of me when mommy was away?\n\n[b]59[/b]\tRelationships between prey children and a predator parents are known to be difficult. There is conflicting biology at play, as well as conflicting interests. On the one hand there is an instinctive connection between the parent and the child. Somehow the child knows who their parents are, a vestige of our animorph instincts. On the other hand being a small prey child before a large adult predator is instinctively terrifying. This creates a confusing emotion for the child of fear and love. This is further complicated for predator fathers and prey sons. A predator father may feel that their prey son is not strong and bold enough, and will attribute the weakness and timidity to their dominant prey genes. They may push them harder as a result, trying to get them to live up to their own predator ideal of manhood. In light of that you can see why my father might have been against too much coddling of me as a child by my mother. Too much prey sentimentality might spoil me. I needed to become strong in my father's eyes if I was going to be worth his time at all. He'd try anything he could get away with to push me. But his impatience at my natural timidity combined with his uncontrollably violent outbursts often lead to me being hurt more often than not. He'd apologize to me and Grace, of course, but it kept happening. I kept having my body bruised and my heart broken every time he was too rough with me.\n\n[b]60[/b]\tI have one particularly painful memory. I haven't thought about it for years. It was when I was still pretty young, shortly before everything completely fell apart. My father was trying to teach me to ride a bicycle. He had gotten it for my third birthday. One of the few gifts I'd ever received from him. It was a beautiful red bicycle with shiny rainbow colored tassels on the handlebars. I remember him holding my tiny hands on to the bars with his warm paw pads and guiding me forward. For a brief moment I think my father was actually enjoying fatherhood, and I felt momentarily happy to be his son. But every so often he'd give the bicycle a little push and let go and I would panic not really knowing how to control it. Every time he'd get a little more bold, even though I was barely getting any better. He kept telling me to put my foot paws on the pedals and would forcibly pull my feet down to them. I started to fuss, I told him I didn't want to bike, but he kept putting me back on it insisting I stick with it. As usual things went too far eventually ...\n \n[b]61[/b]\tHe had been patiently pushing me around in the backyard for a bit, but in a last ditch effort to force me to gain control of the bicycle myself he pushed it at full force, expecting me to take over and steer. I panicked, turned too sharply and the bicycle turned over and me with it. I got hurt and bruised and I was already crying. Why had my father suddenly pushed me like that?! Why was he always pushing me so hard!? Why was he always losing his patience and hurting me!!\n\n[b]62[/b]\tHe stood over me and I looked up. He was mad. Angry with my failure. \"Papa?\" I said looking up at him bruised and battered, hoping he'd take pity on me instead ... big mistake. \"GET UP AND GET BACK ON THAT BIKE!\" was his cold response. \"Papa?!\" I begged again, bewildered by his behavior. I put my hand up for him to help me, still blindly thinking he would. What did he do? \"I TOLD YOU TO GET UP!\" he yelled, and he yanked me by the arm with such force that he hurt my shoulder, practically pulling my arm out of its socket!\n \n[b]63[/b] \"OW!\" I screamed in pain. \"I hurt! I hurt!\" I whined.\n\n[b]64[/b]\tMother came out wondering what the crash and all the commotion was about. I pulled my arm away from my father with my other arm and ran to my mother, and I cried into her crotch.\n \n[b]65[/b]\tNormally that would upset her, but this time she just patted my head and said \"There, there, mama's here\". \n\n[b]66[/b]\tThen she turned angrily to Vich \"What DID YOU DO!?\". \n\n[b]67[/b]\t\"He's carrying on and making a show. He's afraid of the bike!\" he protested.\n\n[b]68[/b] \t\"He's afraid of you!\" my mother shot back.\n \n[b]69[/b]\t\"Jonah! Get back on that bike right now!\" he demanded.\n \n[b]70[/b]\tIt was rare for my father to say my name. But I was upset with him. I didn't want to go anywhere near him. I was tired of being hurt, both physically and emotionally. I looked at him with teary eyes and a genuine look of resentment.\n \n[b]71[/b] \"Jonah come on! It was just a little fall son.\" he pleaded. \"It was nothing Grace, he's being a baby\" he tried to defend himself meekly.\n \n[b]72[/b] \"HE IS A BABY VICH! HE'S MY BABY AND YOU CAN JUST GO ON IN GIT!\" she fired back tears in her eyes as well. \"Jus go on 'en leave us alone!\".\n \n[b]73[/b]\t\"Grace ... uh ... I'm sorry ...\" he said waveringly, realizing that this time he had gone too far. It was rare for my father to apologize for anything.\n \n[b]74[/b]\t\"Jonah, I'm sorry, please get on the bike. I won't push so hard next time\" he said with his hand out.\n\n[b]75[/b]\tIt was rare for my father to apologize to me like this, even rarer for him to actually make any concessions. I looked at him and some tiny part of me wanted to oblige. As strange as it may seem, despite all the abuse some small part of me still loved my dad and wanted him to show me he loved me too. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. Enough was enough. I knew better. He would yell, he would get carried away again and then I would be hurt again. This time I wouldn't come to him like the love sick puppy I was. This time dad would get a taste of his own medicine and feel what it was like to be rejected, I thought to myself bitterly.\n\n[b]76[/b]\tI silently shook my head no with a cross expression and would not budge from my mother's safety.\n \n[b]77[/b]\t\"Just Go Vich! I don't want you here no more!\" she said firmly.\n \n[b]78[/b] \"Alright I'll go...\" he said mischievously. \"GUESS YOU WON'T BE NEEDING THIS SHIT ANYMORE!\" and he picked up my bicycle and tossed it onto the ground with such force that it broke, the cheap plastic construction not able to hold up against the concrete patio.\n\n[b]79[/b] He skulked off as the sun was setting and the bicycle wheels spun slowly grinding to a halt ...\n\n[b]80[/b]\t... I loved that bicycle ...\n\n[b]81[/b] [center]...[/center]\n\n[b]82[/b]\t... sigh ... I spent many years afterwards regretting not having given my father a second chance. When it was already too late I ran out to go find my dad, but my mother caught me at the gate. My father had already disappeared around some corner.\n \n[b]83[/b]\t\"No Jonah, let him go.\" she said.\n\n[b]84[/b]\t... for years I thought that I had given up the last chance to connect with my dad and that is why he would leave us forever just a few short months from then ...\n\n[b]85[/b]\t... sigh ... I spent so many years saying to myself \"I hate him, I hate him\", but in truth I was just deeply hurt by how he treated me, treated us, and then abandoned us in the end! I don't even know whether to be angry or sad about it anymore ...\n\n[b]86[/b]\t... I'm jumping ahead again ... this is proving more difficult than I thought I'd be ... hm ...\n\n[b]87[/b]\tAnyway, returning to my infancy, my father wasn't so much trying to push me then as just being impatient and neglectful with his new responsibility. He hadn't quite grown into it yet.\n\n[b]88[/b]\tFor example, on another occasion where he was trying to feed me, I was getting it all over my face and my table tray and he was losing his patience. Finally he grabbed my muzzle with his paw and pinched my cheeks, forcing my mouth open so he could stuff the food down my throat. I was so scared. Technically I was eating but he was going too fast like he was impatient to get it over with. I flailed my arms sending the spoon on the floor and began to have a tantrum. \"Fuck this!\" he said and stormed off. My tummy rumbled but I didn't even bother to cry that time. I was so afraid of him I'd rather have starved than give him a reason to come back.\n\n[b]89[/b]\tAnother time he would feed me during the commercial breaks while he was watching his sports. He'd be in the middle of giving me another spoonful, but as soon as his sports came back on he'd pull away and leave the spoon on the table. I'd struggle to try to get it in my mouth any way I could, but it was so difficult. More often than not it would fall on the floor out of reach!\n \n[b]90[/b]\tHe'd walk off to the couch, drink his beer and watch the game, and I'd have to sit there and wait for him to return. I'd whimper a little but he'd barely seem to notice. Eventually the commercials would come back and I'd get fed some more, but he was distracted the whole time. The game could come back on at any minute.\n\n[b]91[/b]\tThen at some point he just stopped coming back, like he'd completely forgotten about me. Even when the commercials would come on! My stomach hurt and I wanted to eat. I tried to reach out to the jar on the table, but it was way too far away for me to have any hope of reaching it. I began to get fussy. At last I started crying out and banging on my little table. \"Daddy pay attention to me! Daddy I'm hungry!\", I was thinking. But he was too absorbed in his game. I didn't exist anymore!\n\n[b]92[/b]\tThat wasn't even the worst case of neglect. Going hungry is one thing, but another time I almost drowned!\n\n[b]93[/b]\tAround this time my father was also giving me late night baths while mom was away. These are some of the earliest memories where I was actually beginning to bond with my father. At first I liked being in the water, splashing about as much as a toddler could, but my father quickly put a stop to that. Still I enjoyed bath time. My dad gave me a toy tugboat to keep me distracted, and that kept me busy. I was mesmerized with how it would float all on its own. I liked the feeling of being naked. I liked that my father was unusually gentle in scrubbing me down. It was the first time I really felt like he was taking care of me properly, and it was the most physical contact I would receive from him during the day. When the bath was over he'd wrap me up in a towel and scruff up my fur and I would giggle. Then he'd carry me to my crib and tickle me a bit. That was my favorite part. My peen would start to peek out as I lay their exposed and the physical contact excited me. Lest you think this was some kind of sign, I hasten to add that I would also get excited when my mom would do the same thing. I think I just liked the physical contact, especially while not wearing any clothes.\n\n[b]94[/b]\tNext it was time to get dressed. A new diaper and a nice soft clean one piece jammie was put on me. I felt so soft and clean. I'd curl up in a ball and my dad would cover me in a blanket and kiss me goodnight. If I was lucky, mom would be home just before I'd drift off.\n\n[b]95[/b]\tBut what was one of the few nice memories with my father unfortunately turned into one of my worst childhood traumas. One time he filled the bath up too high. I was a little nervous about this, but he held me as he scrubbed, so I knew as long as he was there I would be safe. But then he put my paws on the edge of the tub. He held my paws there for a moment like he was telling me to hold on. I looked at him confused and worried. \"Please don't go\", I begged with my eyes, and I made some incoherent babble to the effect. Despite my clear protest he left as if he didn't hear me. \n\n[b]96[/b]\tNow I was already panicking. The side of the tub was slippery and my paws and arms were all soaped up and slippery. It would only be a matter of time before I lost my balance and fell into the tub. I tried to hold on for dear life. If I can just hold on long enough for him to return. But no, my grip failed me. \"Papa!\" I tried to say, hoping he'd hear me and come to my aid. But it was no use. All that did was cause me to take on water and I fell into the tub. My eyes were opened and I could see above the surface. I struggled to get myself up with my useless limbs, reaching my arms up hoping for my father to come and pull me out! The horror I experienced in that moment is hard to convey. Complete and utter powerlessness. There was nothing I could do to save myself. I was going to die unless my father returned. I may not have known what death was but instinctively I knew something really really bad was about to happen to me. I could already feel an encroaching darkness surrounding me, an evil emptiness coming to claim me as my vision started to become distorted ...\n\n[b]97[/b]\t\"Daddy! Mommy! Save me! Save me!\" my mind screamed. Did my dad do this on purpose? Had he left me to die!? Did he actually not love me and was he trying to get rid of me?!\n\n[b]98[/b]\tIn that moment I felt a hopeless sinking feeling of pure abandonment and an enveloping darkness started to surround me, an ominous presence ... the angel of death? ... then everything went dark ... \n\n[b]99[/b]\t... mere moments later ... I found myself coughing up water and gasping for air ...\n\n[b]100[/b] I was laying on the floor and my father was looking down on me on his hands and knees looking genuinely worried. Vaguely I sensed that my father had given me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, though of course I had no idea why. I was too disoriented and in too much shock to think of much of anything in fact. \n\n[b]101[/b] Then he hugged me for the first time. Really hugged me. I was so terrified I was literally shaking uncontrollably. He didn't say anything. He just held me for a long long time. His warm furry body was pressed against mine. This monster who had been so cruel to me and scared me so many times. Suddenly now he was such a strong and secure thing to hold onto. I wanted to forget the terror of the water and stay in his embrace forever. But it was only a brief moment in reality. He nervously dried me off and let the water out of the tub like he was in a hurry to get rid of the evidence. He took me straight to the crib and he dressed me immediately, but it wasn't the usual meticulous and slow process. It was rushed and nervous.\n \n[b]102[/b] Soon after he dressed me my mother came home. I could hear her opening the door. I climbed up the bars to see her. I began to cry and babble incoherently about what happened. No one could understand anything I was saying of course. But my mother understood I was upset and I wanted her to comfort me. She came running over and picked me up and I gave her the biggest hug. \"Please don't leave me with daddy alone anymore, he doesn't take good care of me\", I tried to explain to her in my chipmunk babble. I didn't want to wind up drowning in the tub ever again.\n\n[b]103[/b]\t\"Michael ... what did you do?!\" came Grace accusatorially. My mom would only call him by his Americanized first name when she was upset. Guess dad's in trouble now.\n\n[b]104[/b]\t\"What are you talking about Grace? You just walked in the door-\" he started, but she wasn't having any of it.\n\n[b]105[/b]\t\"Why is Jonah acting this way? What did you do to our son!\" she came back.\n\n[b]106[/b]\t\"Your son always gets that way when you return. I've told you not to coddle-\" he tried to deflect.\n\n[b]107[/b]\t\"Oh no, yer not turning this on me Michael. Jonah don't normally act dis way. Something happened to upset him\", Grace interjected. She was not to be thrown off the scent.\n\n[b]108[/b]\tThis began a long argument and suspicions followed.\n\n[b]109[/b]\tThis must have had some impact on the arrangements because my mother started being home more and my dad around less. Perhaps my mom felt that my dad could not be trusted to handle nightly parenting duties anymore and so had opted to change schedules around even if it was inconvenient for her. She likely quit the night classes she was taking even though it meant less time for her studying.\n\n[b]110[/b]\tThe next time I needed a bath it was my mother who started to run the water. I instantly panicking and started kicking up a fuss. Not again. I don't want to be near water again. I begged my mother not to put me in, but it was no use, she didn't understand my babbling. I tried to hold onto her at all costs and she dipped me into the tub full of water. I cried and carried on and kicked up such a fuss that she had no choice but to take me out of the tub. She had to use a wash cloth to bath me. Afterwards she was real mad. She and dad went to the bedroom to talk and I was in my crib but I could here the argument begin:\n\n[b]111[/b]\t\"Why is Jonah deathly afraid of water? Tell me what happened Michael or so help me God!\" began my mother, ready for a heated argument.\n\n[b]112[/b]\tMy father denied everything, of course. He got loud and defensive and I know he was not saying nice things about me. I was weak and timid and it was because of my mother coddling me and me being a chipmunk and blah blah blah. Those were always his excuses. My fears were always turned into my weaknesses.\n\n[b]113[/b]\tFor the next few years I would have an extreme phobia of water. My mother had to bath me with rags or she took me in the shower with her. My father thought this was inappropriate, but it was the only way to properly clean me, and even then I was still quite afraid although not as bad as if I was submerged in water. I would cling to my mother and still make it quite difficult.\n\n[b]114[/b]\tMy mother was no fool and I sure she knew full well that I had probably fallen in the tub while father wasn't paying attention. The fact that my father refused to acknowledge this was just another strain on their relationship and sowed the seeds of distrust that would later blossom into their separation.\n\n[b]115[/b]\tFor the months that followed my mother refused to let Vich perform any of the child raising responsibilities and insisted on feeding, changing, and bathing me herself. My father weakly protested, but she wouldn't have it. Ultimately he resigned himself to sitting on the couch and ignoring us.\n\n[b]116[/b]\tAs my mother would carry me around the house I would see him sitting there drinking his beers looking irritable as always.\n\n[b]117[/b]\tHim and me had begun to bond during bath time before the incident. He bought me that toy tugboat I mentioned. That was my first \"toy\" in a sense. I had begun to bond with my father, and just when things were going well I had nearly drowned and now my mother didn't trust him.\n\n[b]118[/b]\tAs I caught glimpses of my father I would look towards him hoping he would look back, but he never did. Except once while my mother was burping me, facing away towards the kitchen. I looked at him, and he actually looked back noticing my focused stare. I wondered what he was thinking about while he looked at me. He seem conflicted. Then I burped, my mother turned, and our gaze broke.\n\n[b]119[/b]\tMy father seemed to be deliberately ignoring me. I would sit up in my crib and observe him passing me in the living room from time to time. I'd babble something to try to get his attention but he didn't seem to notice in the least. I wasn't his problem anymore, Grace had made that clear, and so he wasn't going to bother with me. Not even to complain about me pulling myself up from the crib!\n\n[b]120[/b]\tSo one time I got bold to try and get his attention. I decided to lift myself up by the bars while he was about to pass from the kitchen into the living room. It was still a little tricky, but even over these few months my legs were already becoming stronger and it was already becoming easier. He still walked past me. I managed to squeak out \"Papa?\". He paused. He actually stopped in his tracks. He turned around to look at me suspiciously.\n\n[b]121[/b]\tHe walked over to my crib, and stood over me, but his manner did not suggest hostility, it was more like curiosity. I guess it dawned on him for the first time that I was no longer a mindless baby. That I was developing a will of my own. Here I was asking for his attention when not long ago I would cry anytime he ever tried to pick me up.\n\n[b]122[/b]\tWith a beer still in his hand, he wrapped both of his hands around my midsection and slowly lifted me out of my crib. Then he just awkwardly held me there at the level of his gaze. He was looking right at me and me right back at him, like we were trying to understand each other, like we both didn't quite trust each other but were trying to. I didn't squirm, I didn't squeal. I wasn't even afraid in that moment, just curious.\n\n[b]123[/b]\t\"Vich what are you doing holding the baby like that!?\" my mother said as she tried to take me from my dad.\n\n[b]124[/b]\t\"I wasn't doing anything Grace! What I can't hold my own son?!\" Vich shot back sounding a bit miffed.\n\n[b]125[/b]\t\"Just let me handle Jonah, you've done enough\" she said as she took me.\n\n[b]126[/b]\t\"No I haven't Grace, because you don't let me do anything. Then you get upset at me for not helping\" Vich protested.\n\n[b]127[/b]\t\"Not helping with the other chores Vich, I already told you, I've got our son\" she said defensively.\n\n[b]128[/b]\t\"Oh yeah? You've got this? You wanna know why I picked him up? Because he's doing it again. He's practically standing at this point. He's gonna climb out of that crib any day and wind up hurting himself\" he scolded.\n\n[b]129[/b]\t\"Pff ... Vich can you drop that already\" she said irritably.\n\n[b]130[/b]\t\"Grace you're not being practical. He's a chipmunk and he's growing very quickly. He wants to climb out. I can see it in his eyes. That's why he asked me to take him out\" he said.\n\n[b]131[/b]\t\"Wait, you're telling me Jonah called for you?\" she said incredulously.\n\n[b]132[/b]\tI looked at my mother and babbled something to the effect that I had called for him. But she just looked at me as if I were telling her the bad thing Vich was trying to do to me.\n\n[b]133[/b]\t\"It's alright Jonah, Mama's here\" she said to me reassuringly. For once she didn't seem to understand what I was trying to say. I was disappointed.\n\n[b]134[/b]\tWell if she didn't understand what I was saying I knew she'd at least understand this. I reached my hands out towards my dad, looked at him and said \"Papa?\".\n\n[b]135[/b]\t\"See! What I tell ya Grace! He just said it\" said Vich triumphantly.\n\n[b]136[/b]\t\"Well I'll be derned\" my mother said as we exchanged glances.\n\n[b]137[/b]\t\"Alright Vich, here you go, be careful and don't drop him\" my mother said as she handed me to my dad.\n\n[b]138[/b]\t\"I'm not a ijit Grace\" Vich said irritably. \"Coulda fooled me\" Grace shot back sarcastically.\n\n[b]139[/b]\tMy father held and bounced me up and down in his arms as he got a good look at me, lifting my chin slightly to meet my gaze. \"Hey little fella' ... getting pretty strong aren't you\". I smiled having no idea what he was talking about, but it was the nicest thing my father had said to me thus far.\n\n[b]140[/b]\t\"Listen Grace, I think we need to buy one of those crib guards, at least during the night. That way he can't climb out\" my father began.\n\n[b]141[/b]\t\"Crib Guards?! Are you outta your cotton picking mind!? Those things are barbaric! I'm not caging up my infant son like he's some sorta wild animal Vich! We'll just have to have him sleep with us for the time being\" my mother said.\n\n[b]142[/b]\t\"What?! Grace the baby shouldn't be in our bed! How are we gonna fuck around with the baby there?!\" Vich countered.\n\n[b]143[/b]\t\"Vich, what in sam hill is wrong with you. First off, stop swearing so much in front of the baby, and second, of course we aren't going to fool around while the baby is on the bed!\" Grace said sternly.\n\n[b]144[/b]\t\"But Grace, I'm a tod and I've got needs\" Vich protested.\n\n[b]145[/b]\t\"You can keep it in your sheath for a while Vich. What's more important, that ... or the baby\" she said.\n\n[b]146[/b]\tI looked back and forth between my parents. Wish I knew what they were talking about, but at least they weren't quite at each others throats this time. Had my mother won the argument?\n\n[b]147[/b]\tI guess she must have because I seem to recall getting to sleep in my parents bed for the first time.\n\n[b]148[/b]\tThis happened a few nights in a row in fact, until one night my father was feeling a little frisky and started making out with my mother while I got squashed in the middle wonder what the heck was going on.\n\n[b]149[/b]\t\"Vich are you nuts?!\" Grace said as she pushed him away.\n\n[b]150[/b]\t\"Oh come on, we've gone a week without. Jonah can go back to his crib just for tonight\" Vich bargained.\n\n[b]151[/b]\tI looked towards my mother to see what her response would be. She took a while, but finally she answered.\n\n[b]152[/b]\t\"Oh alright Vich, we can put Jonah in the crib, but the crib has to be moved back into the bedroom\" she stipulated.\n\n[b]153[/b]\t\"Pff ... fine.\" said my father, clearly prepared to compromise if it meant getting what he wanted.\n\n[b]154[/b]\tAnd so the crib was moved into the bedroom, and I was placed inside. I protested naturally. I had grown used to the comfort of sleeping with both my parents even though it had only been for a few nights. Vich was quick to lose his temper with me, but Grace told him to stop shouting.\n\n[b]155[/b]\t\"It's okay Jonah. Mamma and Pappa are gonna be right here.\" she said sweetly.\n\n[b]156[/b]\tI babbled trying to explain my side of it, but no one wanted to hear me out. In the end my mom rocked me to sleep with a lullaby, and while I tried to stay awake sensing this was a trick, inevitably I drifted off.\n\n[b]157[/b]\tSometime later I must have woken up. I could hear strange noises from my parents bed. What exactly were they up to, I wondered. I could make out some movement under the covers but it was kind of dark to see clearly. Their bedroom did not have any windows and so was almost completely pitch black except for the tiny amount of light coming in through the doorway to the living room. I fell asleep shortly after that.\n\n[b]158[/b]\tThis became the new arrangement. My parents made it a habit to bring the crib into their bedroom for the night and put me in it after I drifted off to sleep. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night. Sometimes I'd hear the strange noises or sometimes it would be dead quiet. Either way, I felt trapped. I wanted to be back where my parents were.\n\n[b]159[/b]\tVich was ultimately right about me climbing out of the crib. It's one way that the [i]Furthly Realm[/i] differs from the World of Adam and Eve. Certain species are able to use their animorphic mobility before their anthromorphic mobility kicks in. \n\n[b]160[/b]\tWhen I was very little, before they had started leaving the crib out in the living room, when I was not strong enough yet to climb out, I used to shake the bars of the crib and cry for my mother to pick me up. She'd dutifully come to my aid and calm me down until I fell asleep. But then I'd awake again a few hours later and it would repeat. Sometimes she'd try to feed me when I wasn't hungry or checked if I needed changing. That was sometimes the case, but mostly it was my mother I wanted. I would sometimes startle myself awake when I realized I was alone in my crib again, clearly not in my mothers warm embrace.\n\n[b]161[/b]\tThis is what I mean by I was especially needy, in a way that couldn't just be explained by basic needs. This of course would drive Vich crazy because it meant I cried and woke up in the middle of the night twice as much as an ordinary infant.\n\n[b]162[/b]\tThis eventually annoyed him so much that he insisted the crib stay in the living room. Somehow he convinced my mother that I would be okay. This way when I did yell out it wouldn't wake him up, yet my mother could always hear me.\n\n[b]163[/b]\tBut now that I was back in the room I was much stronger than I was before, and the idea occurred to me that I could eventually climb out of my crib, just as Vich had predicted. At first the bars seemed impossibly high. I was terrified to try, but I'd look at my parents all snuggled in their bed together and I so desperately wanted to join them.\n\n[b]164[/b]\tI started out with little hops. I'd grab the top bar but it was too hard to pick myself up.\n\n[b]165[/b]\tBut it was just a matter of time. With every passing day I was growing stronger. And pretty soon I could leap in a way that only an anthromorphic chipmunk could. I could leap higher than the bars if need be. But if I were to leap over them I would land roughly on the floor below. So my plan was to land on the bars and try to balance myself.\n\n[b]166[/b]\tOne night I was feeling very brave. I was determined to escape my crib and make it to my parents bed. I somehow managed to overcome my fear and with a calculated leap I had suddenly managed to get up to the top bar. In a frightful panic I grabbed the bars with all four of my limbs in a sort of scramble. I was scared, but at least as long as I held on for dear life I knew I'd be okay. But now I was stuck. If I whimpered too much Vich would get mad and I'd be in trouble for trying to escape my crib. I looked down unto the floor. For a toddler this looked even further down. I whimpered a little but I tried to control myself.\n\n[b]167[/b]\tI decided to let my legs dangle over the edge to tentatively see if I could climb down. Every time I'd panic and pull my leg back up. But there was no going back now. I had to find a way down. It was true that my foot paws were covered in my one piece jammies. Perhaps this was intentional because it prevented me from properly using my foot claws to grip on the way down. I would have to use my hands.\n\n[b]168[/b]\tSo I kept one of my footpaws on the bar and let my other leg dangle over the edge.\n\n[b]169[/b]\tCarefully I slipped my other leg over the edge. Suddenly my weight and gravity took over and I came down for a tumble. My grip failed me but my natural instincts kicked in ... I landed on all four of my paws shocked by the fall but otherwise mostly unscathed. I did it! Freedom at last!\n\n[b]170[/b]\tNow I just needed to figure out how to get atop the bed. I crawled over to the base of the bed where a blanket was draped over. It looked like it might be too high to leap all the way. This was going to be difficult. But I wanted to get into that bed.\n\n[b]171[/b]\tSo I leaped up and used my hand paws to grab onto the blanket. It was just barely enough to support my weight. My feet uselessly tried to gain a grip and my tail flailed about wildly, but somehow using all the upper strength I could manage I slowly clawed my way up until I could use my chin to maintain a grip. I took a brief rest. \n\n[b]172[/b]\tThere they were, still sleeping away soundly. Just a little further!\n\n[b]173[/b]\tWith my chin and my foreclaws I made my way up with all the strength I could muster, and at last there I was. I was on top of the bed! \n\n[b]174[/b]\tI knew I had to be very quiet and slow now. I didn't want to wake my father up because I knew he'd probably just put me back into the crib.\n\n[b]175[/b]\t I slowly made my way to the middle of the bed. Finally I found a spot for myself and nestled between my two parents. Pure joy.\n\n[b]176[/b]\tI drifted off to sleep. Next thing I remember Vich was upset and complaining to Grace about finding me in their bed.\n\n[b]177[/b]\t\"I told you he'd start climbing out of the crib\" he said accusatorily.\n\n[b]178[/b]\t\"I don't understand how he could have gotten out, and he don't seem hurt 'er nothin\" Grace said clearly surprised herself.\n \n[b]179[/b]\tNaturally the next night I tried to do the same thing. Now that I knew I could get out I certainly wasn't going to stick around in my crib at night.\n\n[b]180[/b]\tI climbed out again but this time I miscalculated and ended up hitting my head on the hard ground. I cried out to my parents.\n\n[b]181[/b]\t\"See Grace this is what happens! I told you, you needed to teach him not to climb out!\" Vich scolded.\n\n[b]182[/b]\t\"Oh get serious Vich, how in der hell you expect to teach a toddlermunk not to climb out of his crib! He should have stayed in our bed where he was safe!\" Grace retorted.\n\n[b]183[/b]\t\"He's going right back in there Grace! Hopefully he's learned his lesson\" said Vich.\n\n[b]184[/b]\t\"Oh no he's not Vich! He might climb out and hurt 'imself agin. He's sleeping with us and that's final\" Grace said sternly.\n\n[b]185[/b]\tIn the end there was no arguing with that logic, so I got my wish, if not without a small price to pay. Vich seemed more irritable in the days that followed. Naturally, at the time, I did not understand why.\n\n[b]186[/b]\tI thought I had won. Maybe they would start letting me sleep in the bed with them every night. For a while that is what happened. My mom was too afraid to leave me in the crib at night.\n \n[b]187[/b]\tBut Vich eventually outsmarted us both.\n\n[b]188[/b]\t\"There Grace. This will keep him in.\" My father proudly said demonstrating the metal crib-guard he had purchased to lock the crib from above. It was designed specifically to keep pesky toddlermunks in their cribs at night.\n\n[b]189[/b]\t\"Oh Vich is this really necessary. It seems rather cruel\" Grace said with a tone of uncertainty.\n\n[b]190[/b]\t\"Yes it is. He has his bed we have ours. Children shouldn't be sleeping in their parents bed Grace. Eventually we are going to need him to sleep in his own room by himself and this is only going to make this more difficult if we keep allowing this\" he said sternly.\n\n[b]191[/b]\t\"Oh alright. I guess we can give it a try\" my mother said with resignation.\n\n[b]192[/b]\tVich was smart to wait for me to fall asleep that night first before he quietly placed the metal lock on top.\n\n[b]193[/b]\tWhen I woke up a strange sight lay above my head. I could see the metal grate locking me in. It felt incredibly claustrophobic. I felt like a literal trapped animal. I started to whimper and then to panic. I scurried around my little prison and would leap up only to bump my head on the metal grate.\n\n[b]194[/b]\tI would eventually hang upside-down on it and try to chew the metal, but it was far too strong to chew through.\n\n[b]195[/b]\t\"The baby is trying to get out\" Grace pleaded half asleep.\n\n[b]196[/b]\t\"Let him try\" came back Vich, refusing to lift a finger.\n\n[b]197[/b]\tAt last I could see that there was no way out anymore. I began shaking the bars to my crib looking at my parents sleeping. I began to cry and complain and kick a fuss to let me out.\n\n[b]198[/b]\t\"YOU ARE STAYING IN THAT CRIB TONIGHT YOUNG MAN! NO IF ANDS OR BUTS!\" blasted my father at top volume.\n\n[b]199[/b]\tI made bickery noises to my mother in protest. She looked at me right in the eyes and said \"Sorry kiddo. Not tonight, go back to sleep\". I couldn't believe she was siding with him!\n\n[b]200[/b]\tI lay there feeling trapped and frustrated. I could hear them making noises again. I was curious what they were doing without me but sleep got the better of me.\n\n[b]201[/b]\tIt might seem like that was that, but it wasn't just my arms and legs that were getting stronger every day, so were my teeth. \n\n[b]202[/b]\tOne day while I was chewing one of the bars while Vich was not in sight I heard a crack. I looked and notice that the wood had split. At that moment Vich walked in from the bedroom and I quickly laid down like I hadn't been up to anything, but in my mind the wheels were already beginning to turn. I could probably break the wooden bars if I really tried. But it would have to wait until nighttime.\n\n[b]203[/b]\tSo that night I woke up and began chewing with all my strength. It was tougher work than I thought. But I kept biting chunks out of it and spitting them out to the ground and slowly but surely the bar was disappearing. I knew I would have to get out tonight. If I did not my parents would notice the partially chewed bar and might take actions to make things more difficult. So I kept going. Pretty soon there was only a thin connecting filament between the top and bottom of the bar. I started to push up against it and it was no weak enough to crack.\n\n[b]204[/b]\tI had to chew some more at the base, but it was clear this thing was going to give any moment. Pretty soon I was able to push through the bars and the bottom portion broke off allowing me to escape.\n\n[b]205[/b]\tThis time my parents didn't notice me until the morning. Vich was mad about it at first. My mother said it just meant I was too old for a crib now. I started to sleep with my parents regularly now, there simply wasn't another option. They even stopped putting me in the crib and in fact it was thrown out shortly after.\n\n[b]206[/b]\tThings began to change after that. I think my father secretly admired the fact that I was able to free myself from my little prison. Also having me sleep with them every night began to create a bond between the three of us that wasn't quite there before. Even my parents started to get along with each other better.\n\n[b]207[/b]\tI started taking naps on the couch during the day. This is around the time I started watching television for the first time, even though I was still a little too young to quite follow. For the first time, there was the beginnings of a sense of being part of a family.\n\n[b]208[/b]\tAs I neared my first birthday my mother and father began to encourage me to stand up right, holding my arms and helping to build up strength in my legs even further. \n\n[b]209[/b]\tIn fact it was my father who pushed for this even more than my mom. He was happy to see me getting stronger now, and the positive reinforcement encouraged me to try even harder. He was not pushy and harsh then.\n\n[b]210[/b]\tFinally came the day that I succeeded in walking around the whole room. My mom started me off \"Okay Jonah, go to daddy\" she said as she let go of my hands. \n\n[b]211[/b]\tI wobbled a little but didn't let myself tumble. I stood and tried to take careful steps forward.\n\n[b]212[/b]\t\"Come on Jonah, come here\" my father encouraged.\n\n[b]213[/b]\tAlthough a bit nervous I wanted to make my father proud, so I continued to remain focused as I made my way over to him.\n\n[b]214[/b]\tFinally I reached my dad with a smile on my face, but just a moment before reaching him I stumbled a bit. Thankfully my dad caught me by the hands. \"That's my boy!\" he said enthusiastically. I had finally earned his respect and love. I walked closer to my dad and gave him a hug. I could feel my father's soft belly fur through his undershirt and I began to rub my face all over it as I giggled.\n\n[b]215[/b]\t\"Grace what is he doing?\" my father said concerned.\n\n[b]216[/b]\t\"He's showing he loves you Vich. It's sweet\" my mother said.\n\n[b]217[/b]\t\"It's weird. He's rubbing up all over me.\" Vich returned. My head had managed to pull his shirt up a bit, and I pushed my head through the bottom of his shirt so I could rub my face directly on the soft belly fur, giggling as I did so. \"HEY! GET OUT OF THERE!\" my father said as he pulled me out from under his shirt and held me firmly giving me a stern look.\n\n[b]218[/b] Every muscle in my body went rigid as I looked up at him confused and frightened. Did I do something wrong?\n\n[b]219[/b]\t\"Vich Don't you yell at our son for showing you affection\" Grace said angerly as she marched over to defend me.\n\n[b]220[/b]\t\"That wasn't affection Grace. It was pleasure seeking behavior\"\n \n[b]221[/b]\t\"Vich, is this more of your kooky psycho-babble\"\n\n[b]222[/b]\t\"I'm serious Grace. We need to curb this behavior\" \n\n[b]223[/b]\t\"Vich he's only one. He doesn't know what he is doing, it's just his way of showing you love. You are going to end up damaging his self-esteem pushing him away like that.\"\n\n[b]224[/b]\t\"Of course he doesn't know what he's doing, that's why we have to teach him ... now. We need to teach him proper boundaries. What if he starts cuddling with his friend like that?! Do you think that would be appropriate Grace?\"\n\n[b]225[/b]\t\"Vich your his father and he's still a toddler, I think you are making too big a thing out of this\"\n\n[b]226[/b]\tSuddenly the happy moment had devolved into another argument and I had absolutely no idea why. Had I done something wrong? Was I somehow the cause of my parents squabbling?\n\n[b]227[/b]\tBut my father wasn't always so standoffish with me. It's only when I went past his comfort level. From what I understand he felt that males should not express too much physical affection with each other. That isn't to say that he was not affectionate at all, in his way. He'd tickle me, put me up on his shoulders, and put his arm around me as he'd read me stories before bed. He'd pick me up and hug me from time to time. None of this came immediately. It took my father time to become more comfortable with me. But the more I grew, the more I could talk for myself, and do for myself, the more he seemed to warm up to me as his son.\n\n[b]228[/b]\tOn the living room floor we'd play with toy cars. He got me a nice set, including a red firetruck I really liked. We'd crash the cars together and see which one would flip over first, or make them have races across the living room floor.\n\n[b]229[/b]\tHe found the children shows I watched too babyish, but my mom would sit me in her lap and point and explain things as I watched.\n\n[b]230[/b]\tMy mom and dad became my whole world ... and everything in it. They were all that I knew. I never left the house, except to sometimes play out in the front or backyard, and no one ever seemed to visit.\n\n[b]231[/b]\tEvery day became a new adventure to learn and grow with my very young and inexperienced but doting parents to cheer me on. It was the happiest time of my life ... at least that is ... before meeting my [u]Jonathan[/u].\n\n[b]232[/b]\tBefore long however my mother was taking me out on her daily errands in a stroller. I'd drink my juice sippy while being mesmerized by all the new sights, sounds, and smells. It was a lot to take in for a toddlermunk.\n\n[b]233[/b]\tI discovered that the world was full of big furs, just like my parents. I was scared of them and would try to shrink into my stroller thinking I was hidden somehow. My mother seemed to ignore me mostly. She was busy shopping or going to the bank, or whatever it was she was doing.\n\n[b]234[/b]\tI remember the first time I noticed another cub in a stroller. It was a cute little opossom girl, although I didn't know that at the time. All I knew and cared about was that there was another little fur like myself. I excitedly grabbed onto my mother's pants and pointed at the other cub.\n\n[b]235[/b]\t\"Why yes Jonah, that's a baby cub\" my mother said.\n\n[b]236[/b]\t\"Cub?\" I repeated.\n\n[b]237[/b]\t\"Yes Jonah. You're a toddler cub and she's a baby cub\" she explained.\n\n[b]238[/b]\tSo I wasn't the only little fur in the world. I started to notice them everywhere. It was fascinating to me to see other cubs like myself.\n\n[b]239[/b]\tAt first I couldn't interact with them much as I was restricted to my stroller at all times, but gradually my mom would let me out of the stroller more and more and let me walk around for a bit in the department stores and such, at least until I got too tired.\n\n[b]240[/b]\tOne time I noticed a timid little flying squirrel boy. Well at the time I didn't know it was a boy. I didn't really have any concept of the difference between boys and girls, but I know it was a boy in retrospect. Anyway, he was clinging to his mother's legs. Every time she'd walk ahead he'd quickly shuffle back towards her like he was afraid to be alone. I watched him for a while like this. Then he noticed me and gave a furtive glance.\n\n[b]241[/b]\t\"Hi!\" I shouted towards him and gave him an enthusiastic wave. He instantly scurried behind his mother. I could see his tail twitching from behind her.\n\n[b]242[/b]\tI thought this reaction was strange. Why was he so afraid? I was just another little fur like him. I started to walk towards the pair curious about the boy and the twitchy tail. The mother was distracted trying to find something on the shelf.\n\n[b]243[/b]\tFinally I was within reaching distance. I leaned over slightly to get a better look but all I could see was the twitchy tail. For some reason I decided I wanted to touch it. So I reached out and grabbed it.\n\n[b]244[/b]\t\"Ah!\" screamed the little boy as he fled to the other side of his mother, and suddenly the mother noticed me.\n\n[b]245[/b]\t\"Excuse me young man! What are you doing!\" she said incredulously.\n\n[b]246[/b]\t\"Jonah get back here!\" demanded my mother.\n\n[b]247[/b]\tI didn't understand. What had I done wrong this time.\n\n[b]248[/b]\tThe little boy peaked his head out tentatively to look at me. I looked right back at him. I started to follow him, and around we both went around his mother.\n\n[b]249[/b]\t\"This is outrageous! Excuse me madam, get control of your boy! Tell him to leave my son alone!\" said the boy's mother with righteous indignation.\n\n[b]250[/b]\t\"I'm very sorry ma'am. Jonah is just very friendly\" my mother tried to explain, but the lady was not having it.\n\n[b]251[/b]\t\"Mama! Mama!\" The timid boy complained as he tugged on his mothers pants.\n\n[b]252[/b]\t\"Jonah, get over here now!\" my mother said in a loud whisper.\n\n[b]253[/b]\tI pranced over happily clearly not understanding the situation.\n\n[b]254[/b]\t\"Mama, mama, cub!\" I pointed back at the boy with a large smile on my face.\n\n[b]255[/b]\t\"Jonah, leave them alone.\" and with that she sat me back in the stroller and strapped me in.\n\n[b]256[/b]\tI tried to figure out how to undo it but couldn't. I started to become frustrated and started to kick up a fuss.\n\n[b]257[/b]\t\"I'm very sorry ma'am. I don't know why he's acting this way\" my mom apologized.\n\n[b]258[/b]\t\"Maybe you should have him see a doctor\" the lady coldly shot back.\n\n[b]259[/b]\t\"What did you just say? Listen you ornery bitch, maybe you should have your lilly livered son checked out first!\" my mother shot back without hesitation.\n\n[b]260[/b]\tMy mother could have quite the sharp tongue. This started a big scene in the supermarket and a lot of nasty words followed on both sides until some big intimidating furs had to come to break it up. Why did trouble always seem to follow me where ever I'd go? What exactly was I doing wrong?\n\n[b]261[/b]\tIn any case as I became more and more self aware, I started to wonder why it was that little furs were always being dragged around by big furs. Did every little fur have a mommy and daddy just like me?\n\n[b]262[/b]\tI remember one beautiful spring morning when my mother took me out to go shopping with her. I was still quite young but old enough to walk a part of the ways with her holding my hand now.\n\n[b]263[/b]\tAs we passed strollers with infants being pushed by their mothers it dawned on me that not too long ago I used to ride around in strollers just like that. I tugged on my mothers shirt and pointed to the strollers.\n\n[b]264[/b]\t\"Yes Jonah, those are babies. You were a baby yourself not too long ago.\" my mother said, understanding my question without me even asking it.\n\n[b]265[/b]\tI had grown very quickly over just the last few months, as chipmunk children often do. I knew that one day I would grow up to be as big as my parents, but if one were to run the clock backwards, what would happen? Did one just get smaller and smaller, until one was nothing at all?\n\n[b]266[/b]\t\"Mama\" I began. \n\n[b]267[/b]\t\"Yes Jonah\" said my mother lovingly. \n\n[b]268[/b]\t\"How come mommies and daddies always have babies?\" I asked innocently.\n\n[b]269[/b]\t\"Oh\" my mother said startled and surprised by the sudden directness of the question.\n\n[b]270[/b]\t\"Well let me see now...\" she began as if she were trying to remember. \n\n[b]271[/b]\tWe both stopped walking for a moment. I looked up to my mom with eyes full of wonderment eagerly awaiting her answer.\n\n[b]272[/b]\tA few awkward moments passed as my mother tried to formulate the right words. I leaned upwards pulling on my mothers shirt as if getting more desperate for the answer.\n\n[b]273[/b]\t\"Well because of love darling\" she said at last.\n\n[b]274[/b]\tI gave her a look as if I didn't quite understand. \"Love?\" I pressed.\n\n[b]275[/b]\t\"Yes, love. Like the way me and daddy love each other. That's how you came into the world, just the way the good Lord intended. It was love for the world that lead to the birth of baby [i]Yah-Hasha[/i] coming to guide us. When two furs are deeply in love with each other, in a way, that love is what gives rise to a child\" she said triumphantly.\n\n[b]276[/b]\tI was in awe. So love was what made babies! It was my mother's and father's love for each other that made me! I was the symbol of their love made manifest! This made me happy. If that was so then it seemed only natural that they should both love me as well.\n\n[b]277[/b]\tWe continued to walk as I mulled this mysterious new concept in my head. \n\n[b]278[/b]\tWe finally got to the supermarket and my mother began her usual shopping routine, going through the grocery aisle trying to figure out what vegetables were fresh enough to take home.\n\n[b]279[/b]\tAs I stood there a terrible thought occurred to me.\n\n[b]280[/b]\t\"Mama, does that mean I can't love you anymore?\" I said genuinely concerned.\n\n[b]281[/b]\t\"What?!\" my mother came back genuinely confused by my strange query.\n\n[b]282[/b]\t\"We love each other, right mommy? Does that mean we are going to make babies? But I don't know how to take care of babies!\" I rattled off panic stricken as my mother became flustered and embarrassed.\n\n[b]283[/b]\tMy mother had her hands over her face in exasperation. \"Oh Jonah, what am I gonna do with you\" she said more to herself then me. \"That ain't how it werks silly billy. Listen to me carefully okay, Jonah\" she said to me firmly. I shook my head yes. Any clarification was certainly appreciated.\n\n[b]284[/b]\t\"You are too young to have babies. Your body needs to grow first. You need to be a grown up. And you can't just have babies wid jus' anyfur\" she said sternly. Then she leaned down and continued more sweetly \"It can't be your mommy, but it will be a special someone your own age.\"\n\n[b]285[/b]\t\"Someone my own age to love?\" I repeated transfixed by this new concept.\n\n[b]286[/b] \"Yes, but when you are old enough. Ya'see you get one special person in your life that Yah-Hasha chooses for you to love, and it ain't just any love, it's a special love that can only be shared between a fur and their mate. One fur for one fur\" she said as she joined her two pointer fingers together to demonstrate.\n\n[b]287[/b]\t\"When two furs love each other in that special way they live together and promise to stay together forever and Yah-Hasha blesses their love with a new born baby.\" she told me with a bright smile. It sounded absolutely wonderful even if I couldn't fully understand it. After my mother had said it I detected a slight tinge of sadness and she seemed momentarily distracted. Then her focus returned to me as well as her radiant smile. She was so beautiful and sweet. It breaks my heart to think about now knowing what she went through with him.\n\n[b]288[/b]\t\"When you are older and the time comes, you will know who this special fur is. That's the fur you are suppose to have a baby with. But that's a long long way off. You don't need to worry about that\" she said reassuringly.\n\n[b]289[/b]\t\"Can we still love each other, mommy?\" I said not quite sure.\n\n[b]290[/b]\t\"Of course we can. I will always be your mom and you'll always be my son. But you have plenty of time to grow up and be my little boy.\" my mother gave me a little bop on the nose, and I gave her a big hug. I hugged her back without holding back, now assured that a baby wouldn't magically manifest as a result.\n\n[b]291[/b]\tAs we continued to shop I marveled at the thought. A \"special someone my own age, a special love like no other\", something I'd only understand as a grown up. A special love like mommy and daddy shared. One day I would have someone special my own age to love too?! Who was this fur I was meant to meet? The thought filled my mind with wonder, anticipation, but also dread. What if I didn't meet this fur? What if I made a mistake and picked the wrong one? So many questions.\n\n[b]292[/b]\tFor the moment though I decided not to worry about it. It was such a long way off. I would be a child practically forever, I thought. All that mattered to me was that mommy and daddy loved each other, and they both loved me.\n\n[b]293[/b]\tI happily pondered this the rest of the outing.\n\n[b]294[/b]\tWhen I got home I was very excited because I wanted to draw what I was thinking and feeling.\n\n[b]295[/b]\t\"Whacha gonna do Jonah?\" my mom asked enthusiastically.\n\n[b]296[/b]\t\"Imma draw a picture for you and daddy!\" I shot back.\n\n[b]297[/b]\t\"Oh okay\" she said, and went to get me some paper and crayons to create my masterpiece with.\n\n[b]298[/b]\tShe took out my little table and set me up in the living room where she could keep an eye on me. She got busy putting the groceries away and chopping up vegetables and mashing seeds to make a meal and I got busy with my art.\n\n[b]299[/b]\tI knew exactly what I wanted to draw. I wanted to draw a picture that would help me remember what I had learned today. That I was formed from my mother and fathers love.\n\n[b]300[/b]\tFirst I drew a big square with a triangle on top, filling up most of the page. This was our house. My parents had chosen to live together under one roof because of that special love they shared. \n\n[b]301[/b]\tNext I drew my beautiful mom with her swirly tail, little rounded ears, and soft flowy hair. Then I drew my dad with his big bushy tail and pointy ears and snout. My parents were holding their hands together and leaning towards each other. Then betwixt them I drew a big heart and inside the heart I drew myself.\n\n[b]302[/b]\tI lifted the picture above my head proud of what I had created. I now understood who I was and why I was the way I was. I was a creature born of the love of my parents. I was the heart of our family, both in the sense of being at the center of it as well as being the product of their love.\n\n[b]303[/b]\tNow it made perfect sense I wanted to love and be loved so much, I thought.\n\n[b]304[/b]\tI got up and excitedly made my way to my mom. \"Look what I made!\" I announced proudly.\n\n[b]305[/b]\t\"That's really good sweetie. Is that our family?\" she said enthusiastically.\n\n[b]306[/b]\t\"Uh huh!\" I confirmed, and nodded my head vigorously.\n\n[b]307[/b]\t\"Well I think it's great. Let's put it on the fridge\" she said, and a moment later my picture was pinned to the fridge proudly on display.\n\n[b]308[/b]\tI stood there and looked at it for a while.\n\n[b]309[/b]\t\"Alright go run off and play while I finish up here. Daddy will be home soon\" my mom said, trying to clear me out of the way so she could get to the fridge.\n\n[b]310[/b]\t\"Okay\" I said happy as a clam, and ran off to play with my toys.\n\n[b]311[/b]\tI started to take out all my various cars and trucks from the toy box and place them on the living room floor to play.\t\n\n[b]312[/b]\tI was mainly playing with my favorite toy at the time, the plastic fire truck, and making it crash through the cars. \"Make way, fire fire!\" was my childish justification for the demolition derby.\n\n[b]313[/b]\tMy father came home. I got up to greet him \"Daddy!\". I ran into his legs and gave him a hug, and he was almost thrown back by it.\n\n[b]314[/b]\t\"Why are all these toys on the floor?!\" he said irritably.\n\n[b]315[/b]\t\"I told him to play out here for a while Vich, what you gotta problem wid that?\" Grace came back defensively.\n\n[b]316[/b]\t\"Well have him pick 'em up off the floor!\" my father came back.\n\n[b]317[/b]\t\"He's only two and a half, it'll take 'im too long. Just put them back in his room fer 'im. Dinner's almost ready.\" retorted Grace.\n\n[b]318[/b]\t\"Hey Pipsqueak. Park those cars in the trunk right now.\" my father said to me.\n\n[b]319[/b]\t\"Okay Daddy\" I responded, and promptly began driving my cars one-by-one back into the trunk.\n\n[b]320[/b]\tMy father sat down at the table as he waited for the meal to be finished. A little while later he looked back at me.\n\n[b]321[/b]\t\"Stop playing around Jonah. Pick up your toys and just carry them to the trunk. You are just wasting time\" he said sternly.\n\n[b]322[/b]\t\"But you said to park them\" I returned weakly.\n\n[b]323[/b]\t\"Stop arguing with me! Go do what I asked!\" he came back angerly.\n\n[b]324[/b]\t\"Stop yelling at our son, he's trying his best\" Grace defended.\n\n[b]325[/b]\t\"Keep coddling him, watch, you are gonna raise an entitled little brat in no time.\" he shot back.\n\n[b]326[/b]\tI stood there not really knowing what to do. My mom reassured me \"Just come to the table Jonah, you did a good job\". \"Okay Mommy\" I said, feeling happy again.\n\n[b]327[/b]\tI sat at the table and mom served us our meal.\n\n[b]328[/b]\t\"Look what Jonah drew today\" said my mother pointing proudly to the picture on the fridge.\n\n[b]329[/b]\t\"Not bad\" my father said, \"Not bad for a toddler. Maybe he has some potential\".\n\n[b]330[/b]\t\"It's a picture of our family Vich. Tell your son how proud you are of him\" Grace said encouragingly.\n\n[b]331[/b]\tI looked towards my dad, hoping for a word of encouragement. Vich looked uncomfortable but he managed to get out \"Good job, Jonah\". I couldn't contain myself anymore, I had to blurt out my discovery, \"Today I learned I'm yours and mommies love child!\" I blurted out not knowing what I had just said.\n\n[b]332[/b]\tVich choked on his beer and spit it out.\n\n[b]333[/b]\t\"What?!\" he finally choked out.\n\n[b]334[/b]\t\"Oh Vich, why'd you have to do a damn fool thing like that, now the floor 'll be all sticky!\" Grace complained.\n\n[b]335[/b]\t\"Grace! What the hell have you been teaching this kid! Seriously what the fuck!\" he said angerly.\n\n[b]336[/b]\t\"Vich language! He doesn't know what he's saying. I simply told him that babies come from love, nothing more nothing less\" she defended.\n\n[b]337[/b]\t\"He can't go around saying he's our 'love-child', what would furs think?!\" Vich protested.\n\n[b]338[/b]\t\"Ya'know technically he IS our love child\" my mother said exasperated.\n\n[b]339[/b]\t\"Oh yeah, tell the whole fuckin' world why not!\" he shot back sarcastically.\n\n[b]340[/b] \"Sigh ...\" she said, and then she looked at me, \"Jonah hun, don't go using 'love child' around others okay. It don't mean what you think\"\n\n[b]341[/b]\tI looked at both my parents in confusion. \"But I am your love child. I came from you and daddies love.\" I said becoming frustrated.\n\n[b]342[/b]\t\"More like daddies loins\" my dad said under his breath. Grace gave him a little kick under the table. \"hmpf! What?!\" my dad came back angerly \"Babies come from love?! Come on Grace, that's childish\".\n\n[b]343[/b]\t\"Exactly Vich! He's only two fer crying out loud!\" Grace said narrowing her eyes.\n\n[b]344[/b]\t\"Pff ... whatever\" Vich said, finally defeated.\n\n[b]345[/b]\tSo mom was right. I was born of love. All babies were. And that's why, that's why, everything would be fine. My mom and dad loved each other, and they loved me, just like all mommies and daddies, I told myself. But even at two and a half I knew something wasn't quite right, though I desperately didn't want to see it.\n\n[b]346[/b]\t\"We all love each other, don't we dad?\" I said to my dad with a tone of some concern.\n\n[b]347[/b]\t\"Of course we do hun\" my mother reassured me.\n\n[b]348[/b]\t\"He asked me the question Grace!\" said Vich grumpily.\n\n[b]349[/b]\t\"You keep quiet, that's enough outta you\" Grace scolded.\n\n[b]350[/b]\t\"Pff, you ain't heard nothing yet\" my father threatened.\n\n[b]351[/b]\tMy eyes kept going back and forth between my mom and dad. Why were they always arguing. If they loved each other why was everything always so difficult.\n\n[b]352[/b]\tMy concerns soon melted away though as my parents settled down to watch some television before going to bed.\n\n[b]353[/b]\t\"Shouldn't Jonah go to bed?\" my father asked.\n\n[b]354[/b]\t\"Oh let him watch with us for a bit\" said Grace.\n\n[b]355[/b]\t\"Alright. Come here Pipsqueak\" said by dad with arms wide.\n\n[b]356[/b]\tI ran into his arms and sat in his lap. There were always sporadic moments like this where it looked like my dad was beginning to bond with me. It kept reigniting my sense that my father, as grumpy as he could be, really did love me.\n\n[b]357[/b]\t\"Here pipsqueak, wanna try some?\" he said offering to let me take a sip of his beer.\n\n[b]358[/b]\t\"Vich are you crazy?! He's two. Your gonna give 'im brain damage, and you shouldn't be encouraging our son to drink\" Grace scolded.\n\n[b]359[/b]\t\"A little sip isn't gonna kill 'im Grace\" he said nonchalantly\n\n[b]360[/b]\t\"It just might!\" my mother quipped.\n\n[b]361[/b]\t\"Whatever\" said my father dismissively as he took another swig.\n\n[b]362[/b]\tSitting there with my parents, watching television with them, was the beginnings of my feeling of really being a part of a family, Not just a baby anymore but a legitimate member of the household.\n\n[b]363[/b]\tVich had gotten a new bed for me recently and it was waiting in my new room, but I had refused to stay there. I was too scared to sleep in the dark room all by myself so \"far\" from my parents. Vich had tried to push the issue more and more recently but tonight he relented. He didn't even bring it up, which I was glad for.\n\n[b]364[/b]\tWe all went to bed and both my parents snuggled me in, and took turns narrating a bedtime story for me. They both fell asleep before me, book in hand. All I could think was, I'm their child. As long as I'm their child I will never have to feel alone ... I had a smile on my face and little tears in my eyes as I waited to sleep to take me.\n\n[b]365[/b]\tThis brief respite of happiness, where things almost were beginning to look like things would get better, was to prove short lived. I had no idea what a world of pain and disappointment awaited me. Unbeknownst to me in less than a year my entire world would collapse around me and I would be left to forge my own unique path to happiness.\n\n[b]366[/b]\tI thought of that picture hanging on the fridge in the darkness as I drifted to sleep. The image assured me, but a niggling doubt remained. I could not be here if my parents did not love each other, right? So I was the proof that they did! And I was their child, the living embodiment of their love, so how could they do anything but love me? Snuggling within my parents warm embrace I feel asleep hoping nothing would ever change ...\n \n[b]367[/b]\t... unfortunately, [i]Yah-Hasha[/i] has a way of changing things ...\n\n[center][b][i][color=#ff0000]...to be continued...[/color][/i][/b][/center]",
"writing_bbcode_parsed": "Better Than Best Friends
Chapter 3
Heart of Our Family
1\t... An idea waiting to be born ... to be made manifest ... waiting ... and what am I waiting for? Waiting to be reborn? No, not without my Jonathan! Waiting to wither away back to the void where I belong! ... sigh ... and it's taking fovever ...
2\t... what time is it?
3\tI turned to look at the clock. It read:
411:39 AM FR
5 I lay my head back onto the bed.
6\t... it's not even noon yet, yet it feels like I've already relived a lifetime. Why does time seem to move so slowly now?
7\tI guess without the distractions of life, without the constant need to do something to survive I am left just to go deeper and deeper into my thoughts. Faster and faster they run with nothing to stop them anymore ... and as I do so my subjective sense of time just gets slower and slower, but that sounds like the musings of a madfur. Surely my subjective mental state could not have that drastic an effect on the passage of time ... I hope ...
8\tStill the fact remains that I don't really know what I'm hoping to accomplish here. What will all this thinking get me? Will it bring back Jonathan? No. Will it make me forget everything we shared together? No. Will it let me simply let go and move on? No. If anything I grow more and more in love with him every second. How I long to bask in his tender embrace. Why do I torment myself with these endless thoughts of him? Do I really think that this daydreaming will lead to anything meaningful? No, this is more like a compulsion. I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to.
9\t...at that moment, my melancholy musings were interrupted by a creek of my room door...
10\t"Jonah?" whispered my mother, not daring to show herself. Tears began to well up in me and I turned to face away from the door. I was not ready to share my pain with a soul, not even my mother ... especially not my mother. Who knows what monstrous things she'd think of me if she truly knew the awful things I had done ... the irredeemable things deep in my heart ...
11\t"Jonah, are you still asleep?" she persisted with a tone that almost sounded ... frightened. But I couldn't face it. My mother had given me the perfect excuse. Yes, I was asleep. Leave. Just leave before I can't bare it anymore, I thought as I curled up with my pillow about to burst into uncontrollable tears again
12\t"Jonah, I don't know if you are awake or not, or if you are even listening ... but I'm going to say this anyway just in case. I just want you to know Jonah, that I love you very very much. Nothing you could ever say or do could change that. I'm ready to hear whatever it is you need to tell me when you are ready ..." she said
13\tI held my breath. I used everything in my power to hold my emotions in. I thought I wouldn't be able to hold it much longer, and then just when I thought I was about to burst I heard her slowly walk off. A sigh of relief. No, I told myself. I would not tell her.
14\tI can never tell her what happened, on that night- ... never ... she must never know, no one must ever know. I will suffer in silence, I will hold this secret in the deepest recesses of my heart and mind, I will never betray Jonathan and let it be known what happened that night. It will be our one secret, to be shared between us and no one else, not our friends, not even our own parents. Our one last sacred connection. I shall not breath a word of it and the secret shall parish with me. When I die Jonathan will be able to breath a sigh of relief. Hopefully then he will also be able to shed a tear for his dear friend without shame as well.
15\t...This daydream left me with a bittersweet joy... but some part of me recognized the folly of such idyll thoughts ... clearly I was imagining a fantasy. Was I really prepared to die over Jonathan? Was I really suggesting to break his heart just to prove a point? Did I really foolishly think that's what he wanted? Just to keep our secret? The childish fantasy of Martyrdom. I would prove how much I loved him through death. That would prove how much he meant to me ... then he'd be sorry ... sorry for abandoning his best friend. Regret not listening to his pleas for forgiveness. Not seeing that he had only the best of intentions ... but I could not completely fool myself. I knew this was just a seed of bitterness emerging. I knew that the gravity of my actions could not merely be so easily overlooked and forgiven. I turned to the other side of the bed, angry with myself. Angry for dreaming up such ludicrous nonsense, angry for being unable to resist the temptation to indulge in them anyway. It was disrespectful to think I could manipulate Jonathan in this way. But truly I was sorry. I almost felt so dreadful I could stab a knife in my own heart. I hate myself, I HATE myself, I HATE MYSELF! ...
16 ...
17\t... I sobbed for a while after that ... there was nothing else to think ... only feeling remained: unbearable burning self loathing and a deep endless sense of forlorning ...
18\t... at last the pain subsided momentarily after what seemed like an eternity that would never end ... I turned to look at the clock. It read:
19 11:41 AM FR
20\tNot possible. How could only two minutes have passed in all this time?! Was this what I had to look forward to ... minutes of real time turned into nightmarish hours of mental anguish!? How would I even survive to the end of today let alone the rest of my life like this! For the love of God, Yah-Hasha, please just take my life already and send me to the deepest abyss of hell where I can forget I was ever born, and everything else as well!
21\tWhy does this heart continue to beat in my chest, why do my lungs insist on continuing to breath in air, why does my body insist on continuing to live when I am so very desperate to die in this moment?
22\tBut my heart only beat even faster ... for him ...
23\tThat love ... that love is what would not let me die ... as much as I couldn't bear to live ... I couldn't bear to die without him even more ... THAT was all I had left to live for ... the tiny infinitesimal hope to be his again ...
24\tWhy am I like this? Why couldn't I just be a normal boy like everyone else? Why did I think it wouldn't come to this? Why did I think Jonathan was the same as me? Why did I think we were different somehow than everyone else? Special. Unique. Above the normal rules of life. That they didn't apply to us somehow ...
25\tWhy did Yah-Hasha make me this way?!
26 "Yah-Hasha doesn't make anyone that way"
27 said a voice.
28 "Whose there?" I said out loud. Silence. I must be losing my mind. Just my imagination ... I hope ...
29\tBut the voice is right. Yah-Hasha doesn't make mistakes. This must be my fault somehow, somehow ... I made myself this way ...
30\tARGH! Why did I have to fall in love with him? Why did I have to let my feelings for him get this out of control! Stupid, stupid Jonah! Where did I go wrong?! It all started out so innocent. All I wanted was a friend. All I wanted was to just not be alone for my whole life. But it looks like that's exactly what is going to happen, and I have only my memories and thoughts to keep me company now ...
31\t... "How did this all begin?", I asked myself genuinely mystified. There was nothing to be done about it. I couldn't change it now. All I could do was seek to understand how it had come about. How my choices had lead me into this sweet yet deadly trap.
32\tWhere did I leave off ... my mother's loving face, my father's awful snarl, the crib, the mobile, the television program with that one rabbit boy, the mess in the kitchen, the night terrors ...
33\tIt was all such an awful long time ago, I'm not sure how to even remember it all in the right order. But I guess it doesn't matter. There is only one order that matters ... my life before Jonathan and my life after.
34\tWho even was I before I met him? I was a scared and lonely boy looking for love. A child, an infant, has no choice but to seek love from their parents. From whom else are they to receive it? But what if you are simply denied that love? What does that do to a mind of a young child? Warp it beyond recognition? Shatter their sense of self from the inside out?
35\tI was so young and understood so little. But as the months went by and I became more self aware I became increasingly aware of my father's presence not as a scary monster but as some kind of care giver. Some part of my biology ... wanted his approval. Yes. I wanted that monsters approval, I wanted my father's love! I've forgotten those feelings. They were so painful I banished them from my mind. I thought I'd never have to revisit them again. But ... if I'm to really understand where this all began, I think I need to face these feelings again. Somewhere deep down in my heart there is a primal wound that has never completely healed.
36\tFor so many years I've hated myself. Hated my pointy little vulpine ears, hated my tiny little fangs hidden behind my incisors. Sure I'm a chipmunk. I think of myself as a chipmunk, society thinks of me as a chipmunk. In theory I'm not any different than any other chipmunk. But in practice, as a mixed breed I have physical anomalies not found in pure breeds. Just like all mixed breeds, there are little vestiges of my bloodline. I don't like to think of these aspects of myself. For long stretches of time I've forgotten about them. It seems that it is time at last for me to face my inner demons. To face myself. To face ... my first true abandonment ...
37\t... only then will I really understand why I'm like this ...
38\tWhat was my first memory of really interacting with my father? In my earliest memories it was my mother that always fed and changed me, but things changed at some point. She had to be away more, especially at night. She was taking night classes and my father needed to assume more of a parental role, at least for the time being during the times she was away.
39\tI remember being strapped to my highchair wondering where my mother was. Instead of her soft doe-like face, my father came into view. I felt a slight tinge of fear and pushed back into my chair a little, but my father did not seem to notice. He just sat down on the chair and calmly went to go open one of the jars of baby chipmunk food. He wore a filthy white wife-beater, and a pair of unkempt old blue jeans, and not much else. I looked upon him, studied him, really getting a good look at him for the first time. What was this imposing monster before me? What exactly was he doing here? Why did he live with us anyway? Where was mommy?
40\tI felt fear in his presence, but now there was something else. A sense of awe. To my tiny chipmunk self he was a large and imposing figure. It was my first real awareness of unfettered male prowess. Granted, as a vuplimorph, a fox, my father was more lithe and sleek than bulky and buff. None the less he could still be quite strong, despite his lean appearance, his predator genes made sure of that. His body was so different than my mothers, both because of his sex but also because of his species. Strength and power emanated from him, even when he was calm and at ease as in this moment. It was frightening but the sturdiness also carried a sense of assurance to it. I watched as he meticulously tried get his large paw pads to turn the lid on the jar.
41\tI noticed his long sharp claws as he did so. My claws are not nearly as impressive, but they are slightly sharper than an ordinary chipmunks due to my fathers genetic influence.
42\tSuddenly he got up angrily. I pulled back thinking he was going to hit me all of a sudden. I closed my eyes, but no strike came. I opened one eye tentatively. He had merely gone over to the kitchen counter to try to find a way to open the lid.
43\tI tried to turn my head as best I could to get a view of what he was up to. He apparently was bent over the stove trying to heat up the lid to get it to pop off.
44\t"Stupid fucking piece of crap!" he grumbled to himself.
45\tFinally with a towel and a pop he got it off. He noisily fingered through metal utensils in one of the draws. "Where fuck does she keep the god damned baby spoons!" he growled. I was starting to get nervous. Where was my mother? Why had she left me with the monster? No telling what he planned to do to me. Was he fumbling for something to hurt me with?!
46\tI began to cry, first just whimpers. Then the tears started to come uncontrollably as I experienced a mix of missing my mother and fear of what my father might do to me in her absence. "Mama? Mama! Mama!?" I kept saying as I started to get hysterical realizing she wasn't there.
47\t"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" he bellowed.
48\tMy fear overwhelmed my sadness and I managed to choke it down so as not to provoke more scary loud outbursts like that again.
49\tThen he said more calmly more to himself then me "Your mama's not here. She's finishing school, so you're stuck with me ... and I'm stuck with you, now where the fuck is it ..." he trailed off.
50\tI continued to sob quietly. It was bad enough I was being left in the crib alone all the time, but at least I knew my mother was not far. I'd sometimes catch glimpses of her from my crib. But now she wasn't around at all? And I was alone with the big scary monster?! I tried to see if I could find my way out of the highchair without raising the monsters suspicions. But it was no use. I was trapped. I didn't know how to get out of the chair. gulp...
51\tAfter some frantic fumbling through draws, my father had at last found what he was looking for, "finally ..." he said, and sat down gruffly.
52\tHe had the open jar in one hand and a tiny little baby spoon in the other. Was the monster ... intending on feeding me? I looked up into his eyes with a bashful kind of skepticism. He looked at me, really looked at me for the first time. The slit eyes frightened me but I was kind of entranced by them as well. Why was he looking at me like that? What was he thinking? "don't look at me like that" he said directly to me for the first time. He went to go scoop some food into the tiny spoon; mashed up nuts and berries as is typical for an infant chipmunk. He slowly brought it towards my mouth, just slightly out of reach.
53\tI looked up at him with a look of bewilderment. Surely he wasn't serious. Did he seriously expect me to come to the food? Was he really not going to just give it to me? Despite my pleading looks he refused to meet my eyes.
54\tIf I leaned in a bit perhaps I could reach it. But I was still afraid of him. Was this a trick? Was he gonna get me to lean in and then hurt me? I looked up at him sheepishly trying to discern if this was a trap.
55\t"Come on! TAKE IT!" He barked.
56\tI was afraid, but I was also hungry. It was just a matter of what motivation was stronger, and right now my fear was mostly winning. I stuck my tongue out tentatively trembling a little with fear but it was just a little too far. But I really didn't want to have to lean in. It felt like opening myself up to be snatched up and eaten. As I leaned in he seemed to be pulling it away slightly, like he was trying to coax me to move, but really I just think he was distracted. I looked up at him like I was begging him to just bring it closer. "Please Mr. Monster? Can't you just bring the food to me? Why are you making me try and be closer to you?" I said with my eyes.
57\tHe looked directly at me and I could see the resentment in his eyes. I wasn't doing things the way he wanted. "I said take the food! You want me to reach over to you! Fine, HERE!" and with that he shoved the spoon into my mouth suddenly and unexpectedly! I gagged and ended up choking on the food. My father padded my back and I coughed some of it up on my bib. "Fuck, fuck..." he said nervously, more worried for himself than me, then he went and got a rag to wipe up my bib.
58\tThen something strange happened. There was a moment of tenderness. The first time I felt it from my father. I was experiencing strange confusing mixed emotions in that moment. On the one hand this monster frequently terrified and sometimes harmed me, intentional or not. On the other hand there was this emerging tenderness with which he wiped the bib. Was he ... trying to take care of me? Was he trying to be like mommy while she was away? I looked up at him with new eyes. Who was this fur? What did he want with me? What was I to him? A meal? Someone to gobble down when mommy wasn't there to protect me? Or something else? Someone to take care of me when mommy was away?
59\tRelationships between prey children and a predator parents are known to be difficult. There is conflicting biology at play, as well as conflicting interests. On the one hand there is an instinctive connection between the parent and the child. Somehow the child knows who their parents are, a vestige of our animorph instincts. On the other hand being a small prey child before a large adult predator is instinctively terrifying. This creates a confusing emotion for the child of fear and love. This is further complicated for predator fathers and prey sons. A predator father may feel that their prey son is not strong and bold enough, and will attribute the weakness and timidity to their dominant prey genes. They may push them harder as a result, trying to get them to live up to their own predator ideal of manhood. In light of that you can see why my father might have been against too much coddling of me as a child by my mother. Too much prey sentimentality might spoil me. I needed to become strong in my father's eyes if I was going to be worth his time at all. He'd try anything he could get away with to push me. But his impatience at my natural timidity combined with his uncontrollably violent outbursts often lead to me being hurt more often than not. He'd apologize to me and Grace, of course, but it kept happening. I kept having my body bruised and my heart broken every time he was too rough with me.
60\tI have one particularly painful memory. I haven't thought about it for years. It was when I was still pretty young, shortly before everything completely fell apart. My father was trying to teach me to ride a bicycle. He had gotten it for my third birthday. One of the few gifts I'd ever received from him. It was a beautiful red bicycle with shiny rainbow colored tassels on the handlebars. I remember him holding my tiny hands on to the bars with his warm paw pads and guiding me forward. For a brief moment I think my father was actually enjoying fatherhood, and I felt momentarily happy to be his son. But every so often he'd give the bicycle a little push and let go and I would panic not really knowing how to control it. Every time he'd get a little more bold, even though I was barely getting any better. He kept telling me to put my foot paws on the pedals and would forcibly pull my feet down to them. I started to fuss, I told him I didn't want to bike, but he kept putting me back on it insisting I stick with it. As usual things went too far eventually ...
61\tHe had been patiently pushing me around in the backyard for a bit, but in a last ditch effort to force me to gain control of the bicycle myself he pushed it at full force, expecting me to take over and steer. I panicked, turned too sharply and the bicycle turned over and me with it. I got hurt and bruised and I was already crying. Why had my father suddenly pushed me like that?! Why was he always pushing me so hard!? Why was he always losing his patience and hurting me!!
62\tHe stood over me and I looked up. He was mad. Angry with my failure. "Papa?" I said looking up at him bruised and battered, hoping he'd take pity on me instead ... big mistake. "GET UP AND GET BACK ON THAT BIKE!" was his cold response. "Papa?!" I begged again, bewildered by his behavior. I put my hand up for him to help me, still blindly thinking he would. What did he do? "I TOLD YOU TO GET UP!" he yelled, and he yanked me by the arm with such force that he hurt my shoulder, practically pulling my arm out of its socket!
63 "OW!" I screamed in pain. "I hurt! I hurt!" I whined.
64\tMother came out wondering what the crash and all the commotion was about. I pulled my arm away from my father with my other arm and ran to my mother, and I cried into her crotch.
65\tNormally that would upset her, but this time she just patted my head and said "There, there, mama's here".
66\tThen she turned angrily to Vich "What DID YOU DO!?".
67\t"He's carrying on and making a show. He's afraid of the bike!" he protested.
68 \t"He's afraid of you!" my mother shot back.
69\t"Jonah! Get back on that bike right now!" he demanded.
70\tIt was rare for my father to say my name. But I was upset with him. I didn't want to go anywhere near him. I was tired of being hurt, both physically and emotionally. I looked at him with teary eyes and a genuine look of resentment.
71 "Jonah come on! It was just a little fall son." he pleaded. "It was nothing Grace, he's being a baby" he tried to defend himself meekly.
72 "HE IS A BABY VICH! HE'S MY BABY AND YOU CAN JUST GO ON IN GIT!" she fired back tears in her eyes as well. "Jus go on 'en leave us alone!".
73\t"Grace ... uh ... I'm sorry ..." he said waveringly, realizing that this time he had gone too far. It was rare for my father to apologize for anything.
74\t"Jonah, I'm sorry, please get on the bike. I won't push so hard next time" he said with his hand out.
75\tIt was rare for my father to apologize to me like this, even rarer for him to actually make any concessions. I looked at him and some tiny part of me wanted to oblige. As strange as it may seem, despite all the abuse some small part of me still loved my dad and wanted him to show me he loved me too. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. Enough was enough. I knew better. He would yell, he would get carried away again and then I would be hurt again. This time I wouldn't come to him like the love sick puppy I was. This time dad would get a taste of his own medicine and feel what it was like to be rejected, I thought to myself bitterly.
76\tI silently shook my head no with a cross expression and would not budge from my mother's safety.
77\t"Just Go Vich! I don't want you here no more!" she said firmly.
78 "Alright I'll go..." he said mischievously. "GUESS YOU WON'T BE NEEDING THIS SHIT ANYMORE!" and he picked up my bicycle and tossed it onto the ground with such force that it broke, the cheap plastic construction not able to hold up against the concrete patio.
79 He skulked off as the sun was setting and the bicycle wheels spun slowly grinding to a halt ...
80\t... I loved that bicycle ...
81 ...
82\t... sigh ... I spent many years afterwards regretting not having given my father a second chance. When it was already too late I ran out to go find my dad, but my mother caught me at the gate. My father had already disappeared around some corner.
83\t"No Jonah, let him go." she said.
84\t... for years I thought that I had given up the last chance to connect with my dad and that is why he would leave us forever just a few short months from then ...
85\t... sigh ... I spent so many years saying to myself "I hate him, I hate him", but in truth I was just deeply hurt by how he treated me, treated us, and then abandoned us in the end! I don't even know whether to be angry or sad about it anymore ...
86\t... I'm jumping ahead again ... this is proving more difficult than I thought I'd be ... hm ...
87\tAnyway, returning to my infancy, my father wasn't so much trying to push me then as just being impatient and neglectful with his new responsibility. He hadn't quite grown into it yet.
88\tFor example, on another occasion where he was trying to feed me, I was getting it all over my face and my table tray and he was losing his patience. Finally he grabbed my muzzle with his paw and pinched my cheeks, forcing my mouth open so he could stuff the food down my throat. I was so scared. Technically I was eating but he was going too fast like he was impatient to get it over with. I flailed my arms sending the spoon on the floor and began to have a tantrum. "Fuck this!" he said and stormed off. My tummy rumbled but I didn't even bother to cry that time. I was so afraid of him I'd rather have starved than give him a reason to come back.
89\tAnother time he would feed me during the commercial breaks while he was watching his sports. He'd be in the middle of giving me another spoonful, but as soon as his sports came back on he'd pull away and leave the spoon on the table. I'd struggle to try to get it in my mouth any way I could, but it was so difficult. More often than not it would fall on the floor out of reach!
90\tHe'd walk off to the couch, drink his beer and watch the game, and I'd have to sit there and wait for him to return. I'd whimper a little but he'd barely seem to notice. Eventually the commercials would come back and I'd get fed some more, but he was distracted the whole time. The game could come back on at any minute.
91\tThen at some point he just stopped coming back, like he'd completely forgotten about me. Even when the commercials would come on! My stomach hurt and I wanted to eat. I tried to reach out to the jar on the table, but it was way too far away for me to have any hope of reaching it. I began to get fussy. At last I started crying out and banging on my little table. "Daddy pay attention to me! Daddy I'm hungry!", I was thinking. But he was too absorbed in his game. I didn't exist anymore!
92\tThat wasn't even the worst case of neglect. Going hungry is one thing, but another time I almost drowned!
93\tAround this time my father was also giving me late night baths while mom was away. These are some of the earliest memories where I was actually beginning to bond with my father. At first I liked being in the water, splashing about as much as a toddler could, but my father quickly put a stop to that. Still I enjoyed bath time. My dad gave me a toy tugboat to keep me distracted, and that kept me busy. I was mesmerized with how it would float all on its own. I liked the feeling of being naked. I liked that my father was unusually gentle in scrubbing me down. It was the first time I really felt like he was taking care of me properly, and it was the most physical contact I would receive from him during the day. When the bath was over he'd wrap me up in a towel and scruff up my fur and I would giggle. Then he'd carry me to my crib and tickle me a bit. That was my favorite part. My peen would start to peek out as I lay their exposed and the physical contact excited me. Lest you think this was some kind of sign, I hasten to add that I would also get excited when my mom would do the same thing. I think I just liked the physical contact, especially while not wearing any clothes.
94\tNext it was time to get dressed. A new diaper and a nice soft clean one piece jammie was put on me. I felt so soft and clean. I'd curl up in a ball and my dad would cover me in a blanket and kiss me goodnight. If I was lucky, mom would be home just before I'd drift off.
95\tBut what was one of the few nice memories with my father unfortunately turned into one of my worst childhood traumas. One time he filled the bath up too high. I was a little nervous about this, but he held me as he scrubbed, so I knew as long as he was there I would be safe. But then he put my paws on the edge of the tub. He held my paws there for a moment like he was telling me to hold on. I looked at him confused and worried. "Please don't go", I begged with my eyes, and I made some incoherent babble to the effect. Despite my clear protest he left as if he didn't hear me.
96\tNow I was already panicking. The side of the tub was slippery and my paws and arms were all soaped up and slippery. It would only be a matter of time before I lost my balance and fell into the tub. I tried to hold on for dear life. If I can just hold on long enough for him to return. But no, my grip failed me. "Papa!" I tried to say, hoping he'd hear me and come to my aid. But it was no use. All that did was cause me to take on water and I fell into the tub. My eyes were opened and I could see above the surface. I struggled to get myself up with my useless limbs, reaching my arms up hoping for my father to come and pull me out! The horror I experienced in that moment is hard to convey. Complete and utter powerlessness. There was nothing I could do to save myself. I was going to die unless my father returned. I may not have known what death was but instinctively I knew something really really bad was about to happen to me. I could already feel an encroaching darkness surrounding me, an evil emptiness coming to claim me as my vision started to become distorted ...
97\t"Daddy! Mommy! Save me! Save me!" my mind screamed. Did my dad do this on purpose? Had he left me to die!? Did he actually not love me and was he trying to get rid of me?!
98\tIn that moment I felt a hopeless sinking feeling of pure abandonment and an enveloping darkness started to surround me, an ominous presence ... the angel of death? ... then everything went dark ...
99\t... mere moments later ... I found myself coughing up water and gasping for air ...
100 I was laying on the floor and my father was looking down on me on his hands and knees looking genuinely worried. Vaguely I sensed that my father had given me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, though of course I had no idea why. I was too disoriented and in too much shock to think of much of anything in fact.
101 Then he hugged me for the first time. Really hugged me. I was so terrified I was literally shaking uncontrollably. He didn't say anything. He just held me for a long long time. His warm furry body was pressed against mine. This monster who had been so cruel to me and scared me so many times. Suddenly now he was such a strong and secure thing to hold onto. I wanted to forget the terror of the water and stay in his embrace forever. But it was only a brief moment in reality. He nervously dried me off and let the water out of the tub like he was in a hurry to get rid of the evidence. He took me straight to the crib and he dressed me immediately, but it wasn't the usual meticulous and slow process. It was rushed and nervous.
102 Soon after he dressed me my mother came home. I could hear her opening the door. I climbed up the bars to see her. I began to cry and babble incoherently about what happened. No one could understand anything I was saying of course. But my mother understood I was upset and I wanted her to comfort me. She came running over and picked me up and I gave her the biggest hug. "Please don't leave me with daddy alone anymore, he doesn't take good care of me", I tried to explain to her in my chipmunk babble. I didn't want to wind up drowning in the tub ever again.
103\t"Michael ... what did you do?!" came Grace accusatorially. My mom would only call him by his Americanized first name when she was upset. Guess dad's in trouble now.
104\t"What are you talking about Grace? You just walked in the door-" he started, but she wasn't having any of it.
105\t"Why is Jonah acting this way? What did you do to our son!" she came back.
106\t"Your son always gets that way when you return. I've told you not to coddle-" he tried to deflect.
107\t"Oh no, yer not turning this on me Michael. Jonah don't normally act dis way. Something happened to upset him", Grace interjected. She was not to be thrown off the scent.
108\tThis began a long argument and suspicions followed.
109\tThis must have had some impact on the arrangements because my mother started being home more and my dad around less. Perhaps my mom felt that my dad could not be trusted to handle nightly parenting duties anymore and so had opted to change schedules around even if it was inconvenient for her. She likely quit the night classes she was taking even though it meant less time for her studying.
110\tThe next time I needed a bath it was my mother who started to run the water. I instantly panicking and started kicking up a fuss. Not again. I don't want to be near water again. I begged my mother not to put me in, but it was no use, she didn't understand my babbling. I tried to hold onto her at all costs and she dipped me into the tub full of water. I cried and carried on and kicked up such a fuss that she had no choice but to take me out of the tub. She had to use a wash cloth to bath me. Afterwards she was real mad. She and dad went to the bedroom to talk and I was in my crib but I could here the argument begin:
111\t"Why is Jonah deathly afraid of water? Tell me what happened Michael or so help me God!" began my mother, ready for a heated argument.
112\tMy father denied everything, of course. He got loud and defensive and I know he was not saying nice things about me. I was weak and timid and it was because of my mother coddling me and me being a chipmunk and blah blah blah. Those were always his excuses. My fears were always turned into my weaknesses.
113\tFor the next few years I would have an extreme phobia of water. My mother had to bath me with rags or she took me in the shower with her. My father thought this was inappropriate, but it was the only way to properly clean me, and even then I was still quite afraid although not as bad as if I was submerged in water. I would cling to my mother and still make it quite difficult.
114\tMy mother was no fool and I sure she knew full well that I had probably fallen in the tub while father wasn't paying attention. The fact that my father refused to acknowledge this was just another strain on their relationship and sowed the seeds of distrust that would later blossom into their separation.
115\tFor the months that followed my mother refused to let Vich perform any of the child raising responsibilities and insisted on feeding, changing, and bathing me herself. My father weakly protested, but she wouldn't have it. Ultimately he resigned himself to sitting on the couch and ignoring us.
116\tAs my mother would carry me around the house I would see him sitting there drinking his beers looking irritable as always.
117\tHim and me had begun to bond during bath time before the incident. He bought me that toy tugboat I mentioned. That was my first "toy" in a sense. I had begun to bond with my father, and just when things were going well I had nearly drowned and now my mother didn't trust him.
118\tAs I caught glimpses of my father I would look towards him hoping he would look back, but he never did. Except once while my mother was burping me, facing away towards the kitchen. I looked at him, and he actually looked back noticing my focused stare. I wondered what he was thinking about while he looked at me. He seem conflicted. Then I burped, my mother turned, and our gaze broke.
119\tMy father seemed to be deliberately ignoring me. I would sit up in my crib and observe him passing me in the living room from time to time. I'd babble something to try to get his attention but he didn't seem to notice in the least. I wasn't his problem anymore, Grace had made that clear, and so he wasn't going to bother with me. Not even to complain about me pulling myself up from the crib!
120\tSo one time I got bold to try and get his attention. I decided to lift myself up by the bars while he was about to pass from the kitchen into the living room. It was still a little tricky, but even over these few months my legs were already becoming stronger and it was already becoming easier. He still walked past me. I managed to squeak out "Papa?". He paused. He actually stopped in his tracks. He turned around to look at me suspiciously.
121\tHe walked over to my crib, and stood over me, but his manner did not suggest hostility, it was more like curiosity. I guess it dawned on him for the first time that I was no longer a mindless baby. That I was developing a will of my own. Here I was asking for his attention when not long ago I would cry anytime he ever tried to pick me up.
122\tWith a beer still in his hand, he wrapped both of his hands around my midsection and slowly lifted me out of my crib. Then he just awkwardly held me there at the level of his gaze. He was looking right at me and me right back at him, like we were trying to understand each other, like we both didn't quite trust each other but were trying to. I didn't squirm, I didn't squeal. I wasn't even afraid in that moment, just curious.
123\t"Vich what are you doing holding the baby like that!?" my mother said as she tried to take me from my dad.
124\t"I wasn't doing anything Grace! What I can't hold my own son?!" Vich shot back sounding a bit miffed.
125\t"Just let me handle Jonah, you've done enough" she said as she took me.
126\t"No I haven't Grace, because you don't let me do anything. Then you get upset at me for not helping" Vich protested.
127\t"Not helping with the other chores Vich, I already told you, I've got our son" she said defensively.
128\t"Oh yeah? You've got this? You wanna know why I picked him up? Because he's doing it again. He's practically standing at this point. He's gonna climb out of that crib any day and wind up hurting himself" he scolded.
129\t"Pff ... Vich can you drop that already" she said irritably.
130\t"Grace you're not being practical. He's a chipmunk and he's growing very quickly. He wants to climb out. I can see it in his eyes. That's why he asked me to take him out" he said.
131\t"Wait, you're telling me Jonah called for you?" she said incredulously.
132\tI looked at my mother and babbled something to the effect that I had called for him. But she just looked at me as if I were telling her the bad thing Vich was trying to do to me.
133\t"It's alright Jonah, Mama's here" she said to me reassuringly. For once she didn't seem to understand what I was trying to say. I was disappointed.
134\tWell if she didn't understand what I was saying I knew she'd at least understand this. I reached my hands out towards my dad, looked at him and said "Papa?".
135\t"See! What I tell ya Grace! He just said it" said Vich triumphantly.
136\t"Well I'll be derned" my mother said as we exchanged glances.
137\t"Alright Vich, here you go, be careful and don't drop him" my mother said as she handed me to my dad.
138\t"I'm not a ijit Grace" Vich said irritably. "Coulda fooled me" Grace shot back sarcastically.
139\tMy father held and bounced me up and down in his arms as he got a good look at me, lifting my chin slightly to meet my gaze. "Hey little fella' ... getting pretty strong aren't you". I smiled having no idea what he was talking about, but it was the nicest thing my father had said to me thus far.
140\t"Listen Grace, I think we need to buy one of those crib guards, at least during the night. That way he can't climb out" my father began.
141\t"Crib Guards?! Are you outta your cotton picking mind!? Those things are barbaric! I'm not caging up my infant son like he's some sorta wild animal Vich! We'll just have to have him sleep with us for the time being" my mother said.
142\t"What?! Grace the baby shouldn't be in our bed! How are we gonna fuck around with the baby there?!" Vich countered.
143\t"Vich, what in sam hill is wrong with you. First off, stop swearing so much in front of the baby, and second, of course we aren't going to fool around while the baby is on the bed!" Grace said sternly.
144\t"But Grace, I'm a tod and I've got needs" Vich protested.
145\t"You can keep it in your sheath for a while Vich. What's more important, that ... or the baby" she said.
146\tI looked back and forth between my parents. Wish I knew what they were talking about, but at least they weren't quite at each others throats this time. Had my mother won the argument?
147\tI guess she must have because I seem to recall getting to sleep in my parents bed for the first time.
148\tThis happened a few nights in a row in fact, until one night my father was feeling a little frisky and started making out with my mother while I got squashed in the middle wonder what the heck was going on.
149\t"Vich are you nuts?!" Grace said as she pushed him away.
150\t"Oh come on, we've gone a week without. Jonah can go back to his crib just for tonight" Vich bargained.
151\tI looked towards my mother to see what her response would be. She took a while, but finally she answered.
152\t"Oh alright Vich, we can put Jonah in the crib, but the crib has to be moved back into the bedroom" she stipulated.
153\t"Pff ... fine." said my father, clearly prepared to compromise if it meant getting what he wanted.
154\tAnd so the crib was moved into the bedroom, and I was placed inside. I protested naturally. I had grown used to the comfort of sleeping with both my parents even though it had only been for a few nights. Vich was quick to lose his temper with me, but Grace told him to stop shouting.
155\t"It's okay Jonah. Mamma and Pappa are gonna be right here." she said sweetly.
156\tI babbled trying to explain my side of it, but no one wanted to hear me out. In the end my mom rocked me to sleep with a lullaby, and while I tried to stay awake sensing this was a trick, inevitably I drifted off.
157\tSometime later I must have woken up. I could hear strange noises from my parents bed. What exactly were they up to, I wondered. I could make out some movement under the covers but it was kind of dark to see clearly. Their bedroom did not have any windows and so was almost completely pitch black except for the tiny amount of light coming in through the doorway to the living room. I fell asleep shortly after that.
158\tThis became the new arrangement. My parents made it a habit to bring the crib into their bedroom for the night and put me in it after I drifted off to sleep. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night. Sometimes I'd hear the strange noises or sometimes it would be dead quiet. Either way, I felt trapped. I wanted to be back where my parents were.
159\tVich was ultimately right about me climbing out of the crib. It's one way that the Furthly Realm differs from the World of Adam and Eve. Certain species are able to use their animorphic mobility before their anthromorphic mobility kicks in.
160\tWhen I was very little, before they had started leaving the crib out in the living room, when I was not strong enough yet to climb out, I used to shake the bars of the crib and cry for my mother to pick me up. She'd dutifully come to my aid and calm me down until I fell asleep. But then I'd awake again a few hours later and it would repeat. Sometimes she'd try to feed me when I wasn't hungry or checked if I needed changing. That was sometimes the case, but mostly it was my mother I wanted. I would sometimes startle myself awake when I realized I was alone in my crib again, clearly not in my mothers warm embrace.
161\tThis is what I mean by I was especially needy, in a way that couldn't just be explained by basic needs. This of course would drive Vich crazy because it meant I cried and woke up in the middle of the night twice as much as an ordinary infant.
162\tThis eventually annoyed him so much that he insisted the crib stay in the living room. Somehow he convinced my mother that I would be okay. This way when I did yell out it wouldn't wake him up, yet my mother could always hear me.
163\tBut now that I was back in the room I was much stronger than I was before, and the idea occurred to me that I could eventually climb out of my crib, just as Vich had predicted. At first the bars seemed impossibly high. I was terrified to try, but I'd look at my parents all snuggled in their bed together and I so desperately wanted to join them.
164\tI started out with little hops. I'd grab the top bar but it was too hard to pick myself up.
165\tBut it was just a matter of time. With every passing day I was growing stronger. And pretty soon I could leap in a way that only an anthromorphic chipmunk could. I could leap higher than the bars if need be. But if I were to leap over them I would land roughly on the floor below. So my plan was to land on the bars and try to balance myself.
166\tOne night I was feeling very brave. I was determined to escape my crib and make it to my parents bed. I somehow managed to overcome my fear and with a calculated leap I had suddenly managed to get up to the top bar. In a frightful panic I grabbed the bars with all four of my limbs in a sort of scramble. I was scared, but at least as long as I held on for dear life I knew I'd be okay. But now I was stuck. If I whimpered too much Vich would get mad and I'd be in trouble for trying to escape my crib. I looked down unto the floor. For a toddler this looked even further down. I whimpered a little but I tried to control myself.
167\tI decided to let my legs dangle over the edge to tentatively see if I could climb down. Every time I'd panic and pull my leg back up. But there was no going back now. I had to find a way down. It was true that my foot paws were covered in my one piece jammies. Perhaps this was intentional because it prevented me from properly using my foot claws to grip on the way down. I would have to use my hands.
168\tSo I kept one of my footpaws on the bar and let my other leg dangle over the edge.
169\tCarefully I slipped my other leg over the edge. Suddenly my weight and gravity took over and I came down for a tumble. My grip failed me but my natural instincts kicked in ... I landed on all four of my paws shocked by the fall but otherwise mostly unscathed. I did it! Freedom at last!
170\tNow I just needed to figure out how to get atop the bed. I crawled over to the base of the bed where a blanket was draped over. It looked like it might be too high to leap all the way. This was going to be difficult. But I wanted to get into that bed.
171\tSo I leaped up and used my hand paws to grab onto the blanket. It was just barely enough to support my weight. My feet uselessly tried to gain a grip and my tail flailed about wildly, but somehow using all the upper strength I could manage I slowly clawed my way up until I could use my chin to maintain a grip. I took a brief rest.
172\tThere they were, still sleeping away soundly. Just a little further!
173\tWith my chin and my foreclaws I made my way up with all the strength I could muster, and at last there I was. I was on top of the bed!
174\tI knew I had to be very quiet and slow now. I didn't want to wake my father up because I knew he'd probably just put me back into the crib.
175\t I slowly made my way to the middle of the bed. Finally I found a spot for myself and nestled between my two parents. Pure joy.
176\tI drifted off to sleep. Next thing I remember Vich was upset and complaining to Grace about finding me in their bed.
177\t"I told you he'd start climbing out of the crib" he said accusatorily.
178\t"I don't understand how he could have gotten out, and he don't seem hurt 'er nothin" Grace said clearly surprised herself.
179\tNaturally the next night I tried to do the same thing. Now that I knew I could get out I certainly wasn't going to stick around in my crib at night.
180\tI climbed out again but this time I miscalculated and ended up hitting my head on the hard ground. I cried out to my parents.
181\t"See Grace this is what happens! I told you, you needed to teach him not to climb out!" Vich scolded.
182\t"Oh get serious Vich, how in der hell you expect to teach a toddlermunk not to climb out of his crib! He should have stayed in our bed where he was safe!" Grace retorted.
183\t"He's going right back in there Grace! Hopefully he's learned his lesson" said Vich.
184\t"Oh no he's not Vich! He might climb out and hurt 'imself agin. He's sleeping with us and that's final" Grace said sternly.
185\tIn the end there was no arguing with that logic, so I got my wish, if not without a small price to pay. Vich seemed more irritable in the days that followed. Naturally, at the time, I did not understand why.
186\tI thought I had won. Maybe they would start letting me sleep in the bed with them every night. For a while that is what happened. My mom was too afraid to leave me in the crib at night.
187\tBut Vich eventually outsmarted us both.
188\t"There Grace. This will keep him in." My father proudly said demonstrating the metal crib-guard he had purchased to lock the crib from above. It was designed specifically to keep pesky toddlermunks in their cribs at night.
189\t"Oh Vich is this really necessary. It seems rather cruel" Grace said with a tone of uncertainty.
190\t"Yes it is. He has his bed we have ours. Children shouldn't be sleeping in their parents bed Grace. Eventually we are going to need him to sleep in his own room by himself and this is only going to make this more difficult if we keep allowing this" he said sternly.
191\t"Oh alright. I guess we can give it a try" my mother said with resignation.
192\tVich was smart to wait for me to fall asleep that night first before he quietly placed the metal lock on top.
193\tWhen I woke up a strange sight lay above my head. I could see the metal grate locking me in. It felt incredibly claustrophobic. I felt like a literal trapped animal. I started to whimper and then to panic. I scurried around my little prison and would leap up only to bump my head on the metal grate.
194\tI would eventually hang upside-down on it and try to chew the metal, but it was far too strong to chew through.
195\t"The baby is trying to get out" Grace pleaded half asleep.
196\t"Let him try" came back Vich, refusing to lift a finger.
197\tAt last I could see that there was no way out anymore. I began shaking the bars to my crib looking at my parents sleeping. I began to cry and complain and kick a fuss to let me out.
198\t"YOU ARE STAYING IN THAT CRIB TONIGHT YOUNG MAN! NO IF ANDS OR BUTS!" blasted my father at top volume.
199\tI made bickery noises to my mother in protest. She looked at me right in the eyes and said "Sorry kiddo. Not tonight, go back to sleep". I couldn't believe she was siding with him!
200\tI lay there feeling trapped and frustrated. I could hear them making noises again. I was curious what they were doing without me but sleep got the better of me.
201\tIt might seem like that was that, but it wasn't just my arms and legs that were getting stronger every day, so were my teeth.
202\tOne day while I was chewing one of the bars while Vich was not in sight I heard a crack. I looked and notice that the wood had split. At that moment Vich walked in from the bedroom and I quickly laid down like I hadn't been up to anything, but in my mind the wheels were already beginning to turn. I could probably break the wooden bars if I really tried. But it would have to wait until nighttime.
203\tSo that night I woke up and began chewing with all my strength. It was tougher work than I thought. But I kept biting chunks out of it and spitting them out to the ground and slowly but surely the bar was disappearing. I knew I would have to get out tonight. If I did not my parents would notice the partially chewed bar and might take actions to make things more difficult. So I kept going. Pretty soon there was only a thin connecting filament between the top and bottom of the bar. I started to push up against it and it was no weak enough to crack.
204\tI had to chew some more at the base, but it was clear this thing was going to give any moment. Pretty soon I was able to push through the bars and the bottom portion broke off allowing me to escape.
205\tThis time my parents didn't notice me until the morning. Vich was mad about it at first. My mother said it just meant I was too old for a crib now. I started to sleep with my parents regularly now, there simply wasn't another option. They even stopped putting me in the crib and in fact it was thrown out shortly after.
206\tThings began to change after that. I think my father secretly admired the fact that I was able to free myself from my little prison. Also having me sleep with them every night began to create a bond between the three of us that wasn't quite there before. Even my parents started to get along with each other better.
207\tI started taking naps on the couch during the day. This is around the time I started watching television for the first time, even though I was still a little too young to quite follow. For the first time, there was the beginnings of a sense of being part of a family.
208\tAs I neared my first birthday my mother and father began to encourage me to stand up right, holding my arms and helping to build up strength in my legs even further.
209\tIn fact it was my father who pushed for this even more than my mom. He was happy to see me getting stronger now, and the positive reinforcement encouraged me to try even harder. He was not pushy and harsh then.
210\tFinally came the day that I succeeded in walking around the whole room. My mom started me off "Okay Jonah, go to daddy" she said as she let go of my hands.
211\tI wobbled a little but didn't let myself tumble. I stood and tried to take careful steps forward.
212\t"Come on Jonah, come here" my father encouraged.
213\tAlthough a bit nervous I wanted to make my father proud, so I continued to remain focused as I made my way over to him.
214\tFinally I reached my dad with a smile on my face, but just a moment before reaching him I stumbled a bit. Thankfully my dad caught me by the hands. "That's my boy!" he said enthusiastically. I had finally earned his respect and love. I walked closer to my dad and gave him a hug. I could feel my father's soft belly fur through his undershirt and I began to rub my face all over it as I giggled.
215\t"Grace what is he doing?" my father said concerned.
216\t"He's showing he loves you Vich. It's sweet" my mother said.
217\t"It's weird. He's rubbing up all over me." Vich returned. My head had managed to pull his shirt up a bit, and I pushed my head through the bottom of his shirt so I could rub my face directly on the soft belly fur, giggling as I did so. "HEY! GET OUT OF THERE!" my father said as he pulled me out from under his shirt and held me firmly giving me a stern look.
218 Every muscle in my body went rigid as I looked up at him confused and frightened. Did I do something wrong?
219\t"Vich Don't you yell at our son for showing you affection" Grace said angerly as she marched over to defend me.
220\t"That wasn't affection Grace. It was pleasure seeking behavior"
221\t"Vich, is this more of your kooky psycho-babble"
222\t"I'm serious Grace. We need to curb this behavior"
223\t"Vich he's only one. He doesn't know what he is doing, it's just his way of showing you love. You are going to end up damaging his self-esteem pushing him away like that."
224\t"Of course he doesn't know what he's doing, that's why we have to teach him ... now. We need to teach him proper boundaries. What if he starts cuddling with his friend like that?! Do you think that would be appropriate Grace?"
225\t"Vich your his father and he's still a toddler, I think you are making too big a thing out of this"
226\tSuddenly the happy moment had devolved into another argument and I had absolutely no idea why. Had I done something wrong? Was I somehow the cause of my parents squabbling?
227\tBut my father wasn't always so standoffish with me. It's only when I went past his comfort level. From what I understand he felt that males should not express too much physical affection with each other. That isn't to say that he was not affectionate at all, in his way. He'd tickle me, put me up on his shoulders, and put his arm around me as he'd read me stories before bed. He'd pick me up and hug me from time to time. None of this came immediately. It took my father time to become more comfortable with me. But the more I grew, the more I could talk for myself, and do for myself, the more he seemed to warm up to me as his son.
228\tOn the living room floor we'd play with toy cars. He got me a nice set, including a red firetruck I really liked. We'd crash the cars together and see which one would flip over first, or make them have races across the living room floor.
229\tHe found the children shows I watched too babyish, but my mom would sit me in her lap and point and explain things as I watched.
230\tMy mom and dad became my whole world ... and everything in it. They were all that I knew. I never left the house, except to sometimes play out in the front or backyard, and no one ever seemed to visit.
231\tEvery day became a new adventure to learn and grow with my very young and inexperienced but doting parents to cheer me on. It was the happiest time of my life ... at least that is ... before meeting my Jonathan.
232\tBefore long however my mother was taking me out on her daily errands in a stroller. I'd drink my juice sippy while being mesmerized by all the new sights, sounds, and smells. It was a lot to take in for a toddlermunk.
233\tI discovered that the world was full of big furs, just like my parents. I was scared of them and would try to shrink into my stroller thinking I was hidden somehow. My mother seemed to ignore me mostly. She was busy shopping or going to the bank, or whatever it was she was doing.
234\tI remember the first time I noticed another cub in a stroller. It was a cute little opossom girl, although I didn't know that at the time. All I knew and cared about was that there was another little fur like myself. I excitedly grabbed onto my mother's pants and pointed at the other cub.
235\t"Why yes Jonah, that's a baby cub" my mother said.
236\t"Cub?" I repeated.
237\t"Yes Jonah. You're a toddler cub and she's a baby cub" she explained.
238\tSo I wasn't the only little fur in the world. I started to notice them everywhere. It was fascinating to me to see other cubs like myself.
239\tAt first I couldn't interact with them much as I was restricted to my stroller at all times, but gradually my mom would let me out of the stroller more and more and let me walk around for a bit in the department stores and such, at least until I got too tired.
240\tOne time I noticed a timid little flying squirrel boy. Well at the time I didn't know it was a boy. I didn't really have any concept of the difference between boys and girls, but I know it was a boy in retrospect. Anyway, he was clinging to his mother's legs. Every time she'd walk ahead he'd quickly shuffle back towards her like he was afraid to be alone. I watched him for a while like this. Then he noticed me and gave a furtive glance.
241\t"Hi!" I shouted towards him and gave him an enthusiastic wave. He instantly scurried behind his mother. I could see his tail twitching from behind her.
242\tI thought this reaction was strange. Why was he so afraid? I was just another little fur like him. I started to walk towards the pair curious about the boy and the twitchy tail. The mother was distracted trying to find something on the shelf.
243\tFinally I was within reaching distance. I leaned over slightly to get a better look but all I could see was the twitchy tail. For some reason I decided I wanted to touch it. So I reached out and grabbed it.
244\t"Ah!" screamed the little boy as he fled to the other side of his mother, and suddenly the mother noticed me.
245\t"Excuse me young man! What are you doing!" she said incredulously.
246\t"Jonah get back here!" demanded my mother.
247\tI didn't understand. What had I done wrong this time.
248\tThe little boy peaked his head out tentatively to look at me. I looked right back at him. I started to follow him, and around we both went around his mother.
249\t"This is outrageous! Excuse me madam, get control of your boy! Tell him to leave my son alone!" said the boy's mother with righteous indignation.
250\t"I'm very sorry ma'am. Jonah is just very friendly" my mother tried to explain, but the lady was not having it.
251\t"Mama! Mama!" The timid boy complained as he tugged on his mothers pants.
252\t"Jonah, get over here now!" my mother said in a loud whisper.
253\tI pranced over happily clearly not understanding the situation.
254\t"Mama, mama, cub!" I pointed back at the boy with a large smile on my face.
255\t"Jonah, leave them alone." and with that she sat me back in the stroller and strapped me in.
256\tI tried to figure out how to undo it but couldn't. I started to become frustrated and started to kick up a fuss.
257\t"I'm very sorry ma'am. I don't know why he's acting this way" my mom apologized.
258\t"Maybe you should have him see a doctor" the lady coldly shot back.
259\t"What did you just say? Listen you ornery bitch, maybe you should have your lilly livered son checked out first!" my mother shot back without hesitation.
260\tMy mother could have quite the sharp tongue. This started a big scene in the supermarket and a lot of nasty words followed on both sides until some big intimidating furs had to come to break it up. Why did trouble always seem to follow me where ever I'd go? What exactly was I doing wrong?
261\tIn any case as I became more and more self aware, I started to wonder why it was that little furs were always being dragged around by big furs. Did every little fur have a mommy and daddy just like me?
262\tI remember one beautiful spring morning when my mother took me out to go shopping with her. I was still quite young but old enough to walk a part of the ways with her holding my hand now.
263\tAs we passed strollers with infants being pushed by their mothers it dawned on me that not too long ago I used to ride around in strollers just like that. I tugged on my mothers shirt and pointed to the strollers.
264\t"Yes Jonah, those are babies. You were a baby yourself not too long ago." my mother said, understanding my question without me even asking it.
265\tI had grown very quickly over just the last few months, as chipmunk children often do. I knew that one day I would grow up to be as big as my parents, but if one were to run the clock backwards, what would happen? Did one just get smaller and smaller, until one was nothing at all?
266\t"Mama" I began.
267\t"Yes Jonah" said my mother lovingly.
268\t"How come mommies and daddies always have babies?" I asked innocently.
269\t"Oh" my mother said startled and surprised by the sudden directness of the question.
270\t"Well let me see now..." she began as if she were trying to remember.
271\tWe both stopped walking for a moment. I looked up to my mom with eyes full of wonderment eagerly awaiting her answer.
272\tA few awkward moments passed as my mother tried to formulate the right words. I leaned upwards pulling on my mothers shirt as if getting more desperate for the answer.
273\t"Well because of love darling" she said at last.
274\tI gave her a look as if I didn't quite understand. "Love?" I pressed.
275\t"Yes, love. Like the way me and daddy love each other. That's how you came into the world, just the way the good Lord intended. It was love for the world that lead to the birth of baby Yah-Hasha coming to guide us. When two furs are deeply in love with each other, in a way, that love is what gives rise to a child" she said triumphantly.
276\tI was in awe. So love was what made babies! It was my mother's and father's love for each other that made me! I was the symbol of their love made manifest! This made me happy. If that was so then it seemed only natural that they should both love me as well.
277\tWe continued to walk as I mulled this mysterious new concept in my head.
278\tWe finally got to the supermarket and my mother began her usual shopping routine, going through the grocery aisle trying to figure out what vegetables were fresh enough to take home.
279\tAs I stood there a terrible thought occurred to me.
280\t"Mama, does that mean I can't love you anymore?" I said genuinely concerned.
281\t"What?!" my mother came back genuinely confused by my strange query.
282\t"We love each other, right mommy? Does that mean we are going to make babies? But I don't know how to take care of babies!" I rattled off panic stricken as my mother became flustered and embarrassed.
283\tMy mother had her hands over her face in exasperation. "Oh Jonah, what am I gonna do with you" she said more to herself then me. "That ain't how it werks silly billy. Listen to me carefully okay, Jonah" she said to me firmly. I shook my head yes. Any clarification was certainly appreciated.
284\t"You are too young to have babies. Your body needs to grow first. You need to be a grown up. And you can't just have babies wid jus' anyfur" she said sternly. Then she leaned down and continued more sweetly "It can't be your mommy, but it will be a special someone your own age."
285\t"Someone my own age to love?" I repeated transfixed by this new concept.
286 "Yes, but when you are old enough. Ya'see you get one special person in your life that Yah-Hasha chooses for you to love, and it ain't just any love, it's a special love that can only be shared between a fur and their mate. One fur for one fur" she said as she joined her two pointer fingers together to demonstrate.
287\t"When two furs love each other in that special way they live together and promise to stay together forever and Yah-Hasha blesses their love with a new born baby." she told me with a bright smile. It sounded absolutely wonderful even if I couldn't fully understand it. After my mother had said it I detected a slight tinge of sadness and she seemed momentarily distracted. Then her focus returned to me as well as her radiant smile. She was so beautiful and sweet. It breaks my heart to think about now knowing what she went through with him.
288\t"When you are older and the time comes, you will know who this special fur is. That's the fur you are suppose to have a baby with. But that's a long long way off. You don't need to worry about that" she said reassuringly.
289\t"Can we still love each other, mommy?" I said not quite sure.
290\t"Of course we can. I will always be your mom and you'll always be my son. But you have plenty of time to grow up and be my little boy." my mother gave me a little bop on the nose, and I gave her a big hug. I hugged her back without holding back, now assured that a baby wouldn't magically manifest as a result.
291\tAs we continued to shop I marveled at the thought. A "special someone my own age, a special love like no other", something I'd only understand as a grown up. A special love like mommy and daddy shared. One day I would have someone special my own age to love too?! Who was this fur I was meant to meet? The thought filled my mind with wonder, anticipation, but also dread. What if I didn't meet this fur? What if I made a mistake and picked the wrong one? So many questions.
292\tFor the moment though I decided not to worry about it. It was such a long way off. I would be a child practically forever, I thought. All that mattered to me was that mommy and daddy loved each other, and they both loved me.
293\tI happily pondered this the rest of the outing.
294\tWhen I got home I was very excited because I wanted to draw what I was thinking and feeling.
295\t"Whacha gonna do Jonah?" my mom asked enthusiastically.
296\t"Imma draw a picture for you and daddy!" I shot back.
297\t"Oh okay" she said, and went to get me some paper and crayons to create my masterpiece with.
298\tShe took out my little table and set me up in the living room where she could keep an eye on me. She got busy putting the groceries away and chopping up vegetables and mashing seeds to make a meal and I got busy with my art.
299\tI knew exactly what I wanted to draw. I wanted to draw a picture that would help me remember what I had learned today. That I was formed from my mother and fathers love.
300\tFirst I drew a big square with a triangle on top, filling up most of the page. This was our house. My parents had chosen to live together under one roof because of that special love they shared.
301\tNext I drew my beautiful mom with her swirly tail, little rounded ears, and soft flowy hair. Then I drew my dad with his big bushy tail and pointy ears and snout. My parents were holding their hands together and leaning towards each other. Then betwixt them I drew a big heart and inside the heart I drew myself.
302\tI lifted the picture above my head proud of what I had created. I now understood who I was and why I was the way I was. I was a creature born of the love of my parents. I was the heart of our family, both in the sense of being at the center of it as well as being the product of their love.
303\tNow it made perfect sense I wanted to love and be loved so much, I thought.
304\tI got up and excitedly made my way to my mom. "Look what I made!" I announced proudly.
305\t"That's really good sweetie. Is that our family?" she said enthusiastically.
306\t"Uh huh!" I confirmed, and nodded my head vigorously.
307\t"Well I think it's great. Let's put it on the fridge" she said, and a moment later my picture was pinned to the fridge proudly on display.
308\tI stood there and looked at it for a while.
309\t"Alright go run off and play while I finish up here. Daddy will be home soon" my mom said, trying to clear me out of the way so she could get to the fridge.
310\t"Okay" I said happy as a clam, and ran off to play with my toys.
311\tI started to take out all my various cars and trucks from the toy box and place them on the living room floor to play.\t
312\tI was mainly playing with my favorite toy at the time, the plastic fire truck, and making it crash through the cars. "Make way, fire fire!" was my childish justification for the demolition derby.
313\tMy father came home. I got up to greet him "Daddy!". I ran into his legs and gave him a hug, and he was almost thrown back by it.
314\t"Why are all these toys on the floor?!" he said irritably.
315\t"I told him to play out here for a while Vich, what you gotta problem wid that?" Grace came back defensively.
316\t"Well have him pick 'em up off the floor!" my father came back.
317\t"He's only two and a half, it'll take 'im too long. Just put them back in his room fer 'im. Dinner's almost ready." retorted Grace.
318\t"Hey Pipsqueak. Park those cars in the trunk right now." my father said to me.
319\t"Okay Daddy" I responded, and promptly began driving my cars one-by-one back into the trunk.
320\tMy father sat down at the table as he waited for the meal to be finished. A little while later he looked back at me.
321\t"Stop playing around Jonah. Pick up your toys and just carry them to the trunk. You are just wasting time" he said sternly.
322\t"But you said to park them" I returned weakly.
323\t"Stop arguing with me! Go do what I asked!" he came back angerly.
324\t"Stop yelling at our son, he's trying his best" Grace defended.
325\t"Keep coddling him, watch, you are gonna raise an entitled little brat in no time." he shot back.
326\tI stood there not really knowing what to do. My mom reassured me "Just come to the table Jonah, you did a good job". "Okay Mommy" I said, feeling happy again.
327\tI sat at the table and mom served us our meal.
328\t"Look what Jonah drew today" said my mother pointing proudly to the picture on the fridge.
329\t"Not bad" my father said, "Not bad for a toddler. Maybe he has some potential".
330\t"It's a picture of our family Vich. Tell your son how proud you are of him" Grace said encouragingly.
331\tI looked towards my dad, hoping for a word of encouragement. Vich looked uncomfortable but he managed to get out "Good job, Jonah". I couldn't contain myself anymore, I had to blurt out my discovery, "Today I learned I'm yours and mommies love child!" I blurted out not knowing what I had just said.
332\tVich choked on his beer and spit it out.
333\t"What?!" he finally choked out.
334\t"Oh Vich, why'd you have to do a damn fool thing like that, now the floor 'll be all sticky!" Grace complained.
335\t"Grace! What the hell have you been teaching this kid! Seriously what the fuck!" he said angerly.
336\t"Vich language! He doesn't know what he's saying. I simply told him that babies come from love, nothing more nothing less" she defended.
337\t"He can't go around saying he's our 'love-child', what would furs think?!" Vich protested.
338\t"Ya'know technically he IS our love child" my mother said exasperated.
339\t"Oh yeah, tell the whole fuckin' world why not!" he shot back sarcastically.
340 "Sigh ..." she said, and then she looked at me, "Jonah hun, don't go using 'love child' around others okay. It don't mean what you think"
341\tI looked at both my parents in confusion. "But I am your love child. I came from you and daddies love." I said becoming frustrated.
342\t"More like daddies loins" my dad said under his breath. Grace gave him a little kick under the table. "hmpf! What?!" my dad came back angerly "Babies come from love?! Come on Grace, that's childish".
343\t"Exactly Vich! He's only two fer crying out loud!" Grace said narrowing her eyes.
344\t"Pff ... whatever" Vich said, finally defeated.
345\tSo mom was right. I was born of love. All babies were. And that's why, that's why, everything would be fine. My mom and dad loved each other, and they loved me, just like all mommies and daddies, I told myself. But even at two and a half I knew something wasn't quite right, though I desperately didn't want to see it.
346\t"We all love each other, don't we dad?" I said to my dad with a tone of some concern.
347\t"Of course we do hun" my mother reassured me.
348\t"He asked me the question Grace!" said Vich grumpily.
349\t"You keep quiet, that's enough outta you" Grace scolded.
350\t"Pff, you ain't heard nothing yet" my father threatened.
351\tMy eyes kept going back and forth between my mom and dad. Why were they always arguing. If they loved each other why was everything always so difficult.
352\tMy concerns soon melted away though as my parents settled down to watch some television before going to bed.
353\t"Shouldn't Jonah go to bed?" my father asked.
354\t"Oh let him watch with us for a bit" said Grace.
355\t"Alright. Come here Pipsqueak" said by dad with arms wide.
356\tI ran into his arms and sat in his lap. There were always sporadic moments like this where it looked like my dad was beginning to bond with me. It kept reigniting my sense that my father, as grumpy as he could be, really did love me.
357\t"Here pipsqueak, wanna try some?" he said offering to let me take a sip of his beer.
358\t"Vich are you crazy?! He's two. Your gonna give 'im brain damage, and you shouldn't be encouraging our son to drink" Grace scolded.
359\t"A little sip isn't gonna kill 'im Grace" he said nonchalantly
360\t"It just might!" my mother quipped.
361\t"Whatever" said my father dismissively as he took another swig.
362\tSitting there with my parents, watching television with them, was the beginnings of my feeling of really being a part of a family, Not just a baby anymore but a legitimate member of the household.
363\tVich had gotten a new bed for me recently and it was waiting in my new room, but I had refused to stay there. I was too scared to sleep in the dark room all by myself so "far" from my parents. Vich had tried to push the issue more and more recently but tonight he relented. He didn't even bring it up, which I was glad for.
364\tWe all went to bed and both my parents snuggled me in, and took turns narrating a bedtime story for me. They both fell asleep before me, book in hand. All I could think was, I'm their child. As long as I'm their child I will never have to feel alone ... I had a smile on my face and little tears in my eyes as I waited to sleep to take me.
365\tThis brief respite of happiness, where things almost were beginning to look like things would get better, was to prove short lived. I had no idea what a world of pain and disappointment awaited me. Unbeknownst to me in less than a year my entire world would collapse around me and I would be left to forge my own unique path to happiness.
366\tI thought of that picture hanging on the fridge in the darkness as I drifted to sleep. The image assured me, but a niggling doubt remained. I could not be here if my parents did not love each other, right? So I was the proof that they did! And I was their child, the living embodiment of their love, so how could they do anything but love me? Snuggling within my parents warm embrace I feel asleep hoping nothing would ever change ...
367\t... unfortunately, Yah-Hasha has a way of changing things ...
...to be continued...
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