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Though it's... it's not a happy story. Not a sexy one, either. More of a vent story.\n\nIntroducing Jenaryl, or Aryl, a rat soon to be turning 41, but hating her life and where she's ended up, or more where she hadn't ended up in it. It's fallen apart before, and is about to again, and she's at the end of her rope... in more ways than one.\n\nFor the people that might suspect, yeah, her story is mine is... a lot of ways. Her history, her life falling apart in the same way, her... 'intimate' encounter years ago... all of that is mine.\nI'm not okay. But that's okay.\nI'm going to post a journal with more details about this, but first and foremost, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not in crisis, and this isn't a call for help. Just working through some emotions and dark thoughts.\n\nEdit: The journal is up now. You can [url=https://inkbunny.net/j/556779-XPAuthor-about-fatigue-vent-story-]read it here[/url]\n\n- - - - -\n\nA massive thank you to my top tier subscribers:\nSedyna | [fa]jafferroshak[/fa] | RoleplayCentral | [fa]akinkyyfox[/fa] | [iconname]Karmandel[/iconname]\n\nIf you would like early access to my stories, weekly previews and updates, access to my private discord, chance to have your character become part of the lore, and other bonus content, please consider subscribing to my [url=https://subscribestar.adult/xp_author]SubscribeStar[/url]", "description_bbcode_parsed": "So... this is kind of my Birthday story this year, if a few days early (actual day is the 8th). Though it's... it's not a happy story. Not a sexy one, either. More of a vent story.

Introducing Jenaryl, or Aryl, a rat soon to be turning 41, but hating her life and where she's ended up, or more where she hadn't ended up in it. It's fallen apart before, and is about to again, and she's at the end of her rope... in more ways than one.

For the people that might suspect, yeah, her story is mine is... a lot of ways. Her history, her life falling apart in the same way, her... 'intimate' encounter years ago... all of that is mine.
I'm not okay. But that's okay.
I'm going to post a journal with more details about this, but first and foremost, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not in crisis, and this isn't a call for help. Just working through some emotions and dark thoughts.

Edit: The journal is up now. You can read it here

- - - - -

A massive thank you to my top tier subscribers:
Sedyna | \n\t\t\t\t\tjafferroshak | RoleplayCentral | \n\t\t\t\t\takinkyyfox | \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t
\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t
\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tKarmandel\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t
\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t		\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tKarmandel\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t


If you would like early access to my stories, weekly previews and updates, access to my private discord, chance to have your character become part of the lore, and other bonus content, please consider subscribing to my SubscribeStar", "writing": "[center][b]Fatigue[/b][/center]\n[center]By XP Author[/center]\n\nAryl groaned as her consciousness swam back to the surface again. Though she felt no more rested then when she first went to sleep... hours ago, probably. She reluctantly opened her eyes, looking up at the dimming light coming in around the curtains over the window behind her headboard. She grunted. \"4:00?\" She lazily rolled over, reaching out to grab her phone as it charged on the bedside table beside her. 3:49 pm. \"Close enough.\" She was usually pretty good at that, guessing what time it was just by the light in the window, or lack there of. Not exactly a useful ability, such as it was. But she didn't really have any [i]useful[/i] abilities, at least as far as things that helped with day to day life.\n\nShe forced herself to sit up, yawning and stretching a little. Her back protested. So did her shoulders. Most of her was either sore or ached. She still pushed herself up and to her feet. She half-stumbled, half-limped her way to the bathroom to do her 'morning' pee. After relieving herself, she looked at the shower. She should really have one. She hadn't in a few days. She just didn't have the effort for it. Not like it really mattered. She never left her apartment, unless it was to shop for food. She probably would need to do that at some point soon, but she didn't have the energy for that, either.\n\nTurning to look at herself in the mirror, she sighed. \"Fuck...\" Staring back at her was the face and body of an old rat. Her pale tan fur had gotten streaks of grey around her face, most notable at the sides of her eyes and around her neck and chin. Her dirty-blonde hair had even more grey through the strands that hung down to her mid-back. Though a good portion of her hair was flying in wild directions from sleep. She at least took the time to brush her hair back. It would be more annoying to leave it constantly getting in her face. The rest of her was not what she would call appealing. Not that she ever thought she was a looker. But her belly had gotten round and flabby, her average-at-best tits sagged just slightly. The only thing she used to be proud of, her legs, had even started to get soft from her inactivity of the last several years.\n\nShe finished brushing her hair and tied it back into a lazy ponytail. Looking back at the mirror, she sighed. She looked so tired, but felt it even more. There were heavy bags under her grey-blue eyes. Even looking into the reflection of her own eyes, they seemed to stare past her, emotionless. She closed them and just let her head droop a little as she leaned against the counter. She swore she looked a little older every day. She didn't remember her own mother looking so old at her age. After a moment, she ran some water and splashed it onto her face. It did nothing to help wake her.\n\nShe didn't bother getting dressed as she walked out of the bathroom. She lived alone, after all, so there was no one she could offend with her nakedness other than herself. It was a small, studio apartment, and rent still cost too much. She limped to her desk, favoring her right leg as always, and turned on the computer under it and grabbing her glasses from the surface. They were rounded-squarish things that sat on her face, with silver frames. She needed new ones. It had been years since she went to the eye-doctor, and she was almost certain that the prescription would have changed by now. Especially with how much her eyes hurt by the end of the day. But they at least helped keep the world mostly clear in her vision. She wasn't totally blind without them, just somewhat nearsighted. Ironic, as she used to have better than average far sight when she was a teen. Just another thing she'd lost with age.\n\nShe limped her way to the kitchenette and started a pot of coffee for herself. One of the few joys in her life. As that brewed and filled the small apartment with the wonderful smell of medium roast and cinnamon, she opened the fridge, almost out of habit. There was very little inside of it. \"Fuck...\" She probably should go shopping after all. She grabbed a small bag, pulling out her last bagel and throwing it into the toaster oven. She forgot she was completely out of cream cheese to spread on it until she went looking.\n\nThe toaster oven made a loud 'PING' as it finished, and she slid the bagel onto a plate, only to frown as it was far darker than she had intended. \"Well, at least it's not burnt...\" She poured her coffee into an oversized mug, filling it near to the top. It was the size of two regular coffee mugs. It saved time, so she didn't have to go back and get a refill. A little cream and sweetener in the coffee, and some butter spread on the bagel, and she was done with her 'morning' routine. She took both to the computer, half-dropped into her old desk chair. It creaked under her weight, but didn't threaten to give out.\n\nAs she ate and sipped her coffee, she opened her e-mail. Almost all of it was junk, as usual. Junk, or random updates from websites she had profiles for, letting her know of special deals she had less than no interest in. She frowned at one. 'Happy Birthday from Glitch!' She had streamed games on the service years ago, and they still sent her things like this. They were a little early for her birthday, but only by a few days. She used to enjoy getting these little automated messages. Now they were just a reminder she was getting old. Like she needed to be reminded she was turning 41 soon. She felt it in every creak of her bones and failing muscles.\n\nShe closed her e-mail and... she wasn't sure now. She stared at her computer screen, feeling unmotivated to do anything. She should probably work on the projects she had piling up, but she had no motivation to even touch them. Even though she owed so many commissions to people, and many were months old, some of the oldest from nearly a year ago. She tried, opening one document after another, but she just found herself staring at the screen and closing the document again, then trying another only for the same result. She wasted nearly two hours with this, and accomplished absolutely nothing. Even trying to put on music did nothing to help her get into a mood.\n\nSighing, she closed everything and just went to Viewtube to watch... whatever popped up on the recommended page. She found one from a true crime podcast and started that one. It was almost three hours long, so that would kill some time. While she had it running on her second monitor, she pulled up a video game on the main one, keeping the sound muted so it didn't compete with the podcast. The game was a mindless and low-effort city builder that she didn't have to pay too much attention to, made even more mindless by the multiple cheats she was using, since she didn't care about any kind of challenge right now. It was still fun... well, fun enough. She hadn't actually had real fun in years. She wasn't even sure she enjoyed most things anymore, too tired for those kinds of emotions.\n\nA few times in her gaming session, she got some pings from Offkey, the instant-messanger type thing she used. Well, most people used it these days. It had servers, some public, most private, all for any community imaginable. She was in a few, mostly related to the kind of work she did, which was of an adult nature. Though she always felt so strange being in them. Most people in the servers were half her age, and it always felt very odd to be talking about porn and sex with people she was old enough to be the mother of. She also didn't understand a great deal of their humor, and understood even less of any references they made. She wasn't exactly up on current 'in' things with anime and shows and whatever other current fad was going around. Likewise, they almost never got any of her references or jokes, and the few that they did were all 'old' to them. She couldn't even talk about most video games with any of them, since the games she liked were older than just about anyone there other than her.\n\nIt left her feeling like an outsider... again. She was always the outsider, though. Even when she was younger, she was the other. No matter what group, organization, fandom, or anything else she was a part of, she was different than so many people in it. Either it was the fact she was a woman, or the fact she was a rat, or her opinions, or her likes and dislikes, or her hobbies, or her profession, it didn't matter. She was always the outsider in the group. Her father had even made a joke out of it when she was younger. \"There's everyone else, and then there's Aryl.\" He meant it as endearing, and for a long time it felt that way. She even used it as a business slogan for nearly ten years. Though that business had failed with her health over five years prior. Now... now it felt overwhelming. She was alone, the forever outsider, the other-woman.\n\nShe looked at the clock on the computer, seeing it was growing closer to 6:00 in the morning. With a sigh, she closed the game and all the browsers. \"Might as well go do that shopping...\" The local supermarket would be open soon. She still didn't feel the effort for a shower. She didn't stink, so a light spritz of a mild, slightly flowery perfume should be enough to cover anything. She picked some clothes that weren't really flattering, but comfortable. Long denim pants to cover her legs, and a plain and simple blouse in dark blue for a top. With that, she made a few final entries on the list, tossed it into the shopping bags, and headed out to the store that was thankfully just around the corner.\n\n[center]* * *[/center]\n\n\"Get the fuck out of my way, you fat slob!\" Aryl quirked an eyebrow as the shrill voice shrieked in her direction. She was just inside the front doors to the supermarket, and turned to look at the parking lot. A boar, shorter than Aryl but twice her size around, and about her age, was waddling her way over. A look of pissed off made the woman's already ugly features even more distasteful. As she got closer, she put her hands on her exceedingly wide hips and glared at Aryl. \"I said move! Or are you deaf as well as retarded!?\"\n\nThe rat simply shifted to the side. \"Good morning to you, too.\"\n\n\"Fuck you, cunt!\" The boar shoved passed and yanked a cart so hard, the whole line nearly tipped over. She then pushed her way into the store, screaming at anyone else that was in the way with the same shrill shrieking.\n\nAryl just shook her head as she got her own cart and much more calmly entered the store proper. She could hear the woman still shouting at anyone around her. It was like she was trying to be intentionally as offensive as she possibly could, using species and sexual slurs, and as many swears as she possibly could. The rat didn't know why people like that were allowed to exist. Or why anyone would want to exist like that. Being in a state of perpetually pissed off would be so incredibly tiring. She liked to go shopping this early in the morning because there weren't many people around. Unfortunately, it did sometimes bring out the crazies like that detestable woman.\n\nThankfully, she didn't bump into the boar again. Though she was very easy to avoid, with the noise she was making being heard in the whole store. Aryl just spent her time as she grabbed the items on her list. She still used the cart as a kind of makeshift cane to help with her leg. The rat wasn't quite to the point that she needed a cane, but she did have a distinct limp. She'd injured her leg many years ago. Nothing as dramatic as an accident, though. It was simply arthritis from overuse. Years of being a courier had destroyed the cartilage in her right knee, and her left was not much better. Her left ankle was also not in the best of shape. She'd broken it when she was a teenager, and while it had healed properly back then, it had always been a bit weaker as a result. Unfortunately, these injuries also destroyed her career. Hard to be a courier when just the act of mounting a bike was agony. She was lucky she could make the short trip from her apartment to the market and back again. And naturally, for some fucking reason, she didn't qualify for disability.\n\nShe did get one treat as she was making her way to the checkouts. The irate woman was shouting and screaming at the top of her lungs as she was being escorted out of the building by two police officers. Aryl smirked. There was at least [i]some[/i] justice left in the world, even if it was so minor. As she got to the register, a young rabbit of around 18 tending it shook his head. \"I don't know why some people act like that...\"\n\nAryl shrugged. \"Welcome to the 21st century.\"\n\nThe rabbit shrugged. \"I guess.\" He cleared his throat and smiled at her. \"Sorry, shouldn't say stuff like that. Anyway, did you find everything you were looking for?\"\n\nShe nodded. \"More or less.\" She finished unloading the cart with her few items, and moved down to the end to start bagging all the things he'd finished ringing up for her.\n\n\"Alright. Your total is $163.\" She winced. It wasn't that long ago all this wouldn't have cost half that much. \"Do you need help getting this out to your car?\"\n\nShe shook her head as she finished putting the last things into the bag. \"No. My bike is just out front.\"\n\nHis ears perked up a little. \"Motorcycle?\"\n\n\"Bicycle.\" She gently corrected.\n\nHe smiled. \"Oh! Wow, it's impressive someone your age still rides a bike!\"\n\nShe gave him a dubious look, but knew he didn't mean it in any kind of insulting way. He was still a kid, so she just took the compliment. \"Well, it's just a quick trip around the corner and back. I can manage that still.\" She paid for the groceries, knowing it would nearly drain her account for the rest of the month, and said her goodbyes as she went back outside. She stopped as she got to the bike rack, and let out a heavy sigh. \"Fucking... really?\" Her bike sat on the ground, both wheels and the seat missing, the chain lock laying beside what was left, cut mid-way through the links. \"Wouldn't it be easier to just steal the whole fucking thing?\"\n\nShe groaned as she bent over to pick up the frame, and started the short, but unfortunate walk back to her apartment. She didn't want to bother with doing a rideshare. Even for so short a trip, it would cost way too much money. And she was going to need to buy new wheels and handlebar for her bike. She had thought to maybe flag down the officers that had dragged the karen off, but there was nothing they'd really be able to do about it. Plus they were busy dealing with the woman right now. So she would deal with this... and the agony she'd be in later.\n\n[center]* * *[/center]\n\nAryl groaned as consciousness came back to her again. She sighed and opened her eyes, looking up at the light as she always did. \"...Noon?\" She rolled over, feeling her back and legs protesting more than usual, and picked up the phone. 12:21 pm. She fell back onto her back with a heavy sigh. She'd only slept for just over four hours. She lay there, staring up at the bland ceiling above her, blinking slowly as her mind flooded with random thoughts, few of them linked by any kind of logic. Some of them were ideas for the projects she was working on, some of them were random thoughts about the weather, but most circled back to the same issue. She was not happy. She was just tired. Sleep was never restful, even when she actually got an actually good amount of it. And she was in pain. The walk had not been kind to her knees at all.\n\nShe pushed herself up to start her typical morning routine. She was still naked, having stripped down almost as soon as she got home and put the groceries away, only to immediately flop onto the bed and pass out. Soon, she was sitting back at her computer, bagel with cream cheese in one hand, coffee in the other. Her e-mail had more happy birthday automated messages, which she deleted. After finishing her bagel, and most of her coffee, she attempted to work on projects. She got around half-way through one before she couldn't force herself to work anymore. And she hated what she had done. She could always tell when her work was forced. It never held up to her standard of quality. But at least it was [i]something[/i].\n\nShe looked at the messages on Offkey, raising an eyebrow at some of the utter nonsense people were posting as memes and jokes. It was just loud noise and extremely sped up footage, and made no sense to her. She did try to engage with some of the people in chats, greeting someone new into the server. Within less than twenty minutes, she'd somehow managed to offend the person, and had no idea how. She had made a lame joke against herself about being overweight, and somehow that sparked a huge rant about fat-shaming from multiple people. The fact that she was mocking only herself didn't seem to matter. Why was everyone always in a perpetual state of being offended these days? She almost said that in the chat, but thought better of it. She just closed the whole program and moved on. It wouldn't surprise her to find she was banned when she logged back in. It had happened before. Many times. She was very good at making people upset by simply existing.\n\nAfter staring at her computer for some time, the idea about getting new parts for her bike came to her. She pulled up the shopping site she liked to use and looked up the wheels and handlebar and seat for her bike model. The seat she could find, but the handlebars and wheels were a problem. \"No longer in production. Of fucking course.\" The bike was only five years old. She wasn't even sure how bike wheels needed to be dependent on a model of frame. But the last time she tried to just wing it and order some anyway, they didn't fit properly and she nearly did a serious injury to herself. She tried to find the parts on several other sites, including second-hand. They were ridiculously expensive on all of the ones that did have them in stock. 'Just buy a new bike' expensive. Unfortunately, a new bike was also outside of her price range, especially right now. Everything was so expensive.\n\nShe sighed and closed everything, leaning back in her chair. \"Fuck...\" She closed her eyes, just sitting there and... wallowing in self-pity. She hated the world these days. Everything was overpriced, and nothing paid enough. Between her abnormal sleeping habits and mental issues, she was incapable of holding a normal job. Most places wouldn't even hire her these days, and those that probably would wouldn't care about her mobility issues. She wasn't 'bad enough' to warrant disability, so why should any company bother caring? Her independent work made her only just enough to pay for rent and buy food, but not for much longer with everything costing more and more each year. And with her current mental state, she'd been very unproductive, which only compounded the issues even more. It wasn't the world she hated, it was herself, and her lack of a place in it. She was supposed to be smart, apparently with a genius IQ, and yet she could barely take care of herself, and was a failure at everything she tried.\n\nShe needed to just get out of her head. She wished she had some easy way to do it. She sighed and just pulled up some porn. She hadn't gotten off in days. Maybe rubbing one out, so to speak, would help a little. She pulled her vibrator out of a drawer and checked that it turned on. At least the batteries weren't dead. She started a video of a rat getting railed by a big dog, and started to use the toy on herself. She started it on a low setting, just humming against her pussy lips while her other hand teased at herself. She was only just getting herself warmed up by the time the dog was blasting his load onto the rat's face in the video. She pulled up another, this time a buff mouse having his way with a thin vixen. As the two in the video went at it, she slid the vibrator into her now slick tunnel, moaning softly.\n\nShe had to start a third video, a pair of cute squirrels this time, pretending to be doing a massage act that quickly turned into one fucking the other in the ass. She let out a moan as she watched. The male was pretty cute, and he was very well built, his muscles visible as he knelt behind the woman to start ramming his impressive shaft into her rear. Aryl moaned softly again, pumping the vibrator into herself a little, turning it up higher, while her other hand working gently at her clit. She started to pant a little as her pleasure built. The two in the video were going at it harder, the man flipping the girl over and gripping her throat, dominantly holding her down while he rammed himself deep. Aryl moaned, her hips shifting side to side as she pumped the vibrator into herself harder and deeper, turning it up to the maximum setting.\n\nIn the video, the man pulled out at the last second, his cock jumping and spitting his seed all over the woman's belly and bouncy tits, all while she played that somehow that made her cum at the same time. Aryl whined softly, feeling her own orgasm building up. She didn't bother starting another video, just closed her eyes and tried to focus on the pleasure. It built higher and higher, until it finally struck. She let out a quiet little cry of pleasure as she clenched around the vibrator while stuffing it deep inside of her tunnel. She shivered a little as the pleasure rolled over her.\n\nAll too soon, it was done. She slid the toy out of herself and turned it off, then leaned back in her chair to catch her breath a little. She let out a sigh as she sat there, groaning slightly. She had managed to get off, but it wasn't exactly satisfying. It was just a moment and done, and she was left with herself again. She let out a long breath, opening her eyes but looking at nothing. It had been so long since she had cum because of something other than a toy or her own fingers. Almost fifteen years... though that was not exactly a time she liked to think about. She hadn't been the most willing participant in those events. It wasn't full rape... exactly... It was more confusing than that. She had let a woman get close to her, and she had been so lonely and... stupid... that she let the woman touch her and do things she wasn't fully comfortable with at the time. Sure, she got off, but it had left her feeling... wrong.\n\nDidn't help that the goat was a real drunk. After seeing the woman piss herself on her own doorstep, Aryl broke everything off and never saw her again. It wasn't for several years that she came to terms with how she had been used. And even to this day, almost fifteen years later, she wasn't sure if it counted as being raped or not. But it had effected her. It was because of that incident that she had cut herself off from ever getting that close to anyone again. She never wanted to feel so... vulnerable and idiotic again. But it left her more alone than ever, and now she regretted that she barely had anyone she'd even call a friend, and even those people were only online. She had no one she could spend time with in the same room. And she didn't even know where to begin looking for that anymore. Everyone her own age was either already married, or wouldn't be interested in someone like her. The only people that were interested in a fat old rat were really young, and the idea of trying to date someone half her age felt weird, wrong, and kind of predatory.\n\nShe could barely take care of herself as it was. Getting into a relationship was just... too much work. She was almost too tired to get out of bed in the morning. Trying to 'hook up' with someone would be exhausting, let alone actually dating someone. No, she was destined to remain the old rat by herself. Just another version of her being the outsider. The other-woman. As she always was. She couldn't even be sad about it anymore. She didn't have the energy to be sad. Just... numb.\n\n[center]* * *[/center]\n\nIt was 2:43 pm when she got up this time. She saw she had four texts on her phone when she looked at it. Three were automated messages telling her happy birthday from places she didn't even know she'd given her number to. The last was also a automated message, but some phishing bullshit trying to get her to click a link for some political thing she gave no shits about. She deleted all of them and rolled onto her back again. \"Yeah. Happy Birthday. You're even older now...\" It took some effort to get up today. It was like she somehow felt more weight from it being her birthday. Still, she managed to actually shower this time. She should at least be clean today, even if she had no plans to leave the house. Not like she could afford to go anywhere. Or even get there. Her bike was still missing wheels.\n\nAfter drying off, she made herself her usual coffee. But instead of a bagel for breakfast, she pulled out a miniature cheesecake she had gotten for herself when shopping. It came with a strawberry topping that she could spread on it. She squeezed it out of the tube around the edge, then drew a sloppy '41' on the top. She took a picture of it with her phone, then took it and the coffee to her computer. She didn't bother with e-mail right now, knowing it would be the usual spam. She instead pulled up Offkey and posted the picture of her cheesecake, with a little \"[i]Happy birthday, me[/i]\" as a label on it.\n\nShe got a response instantly from the person she'd somehow managed to upset the day before. \"[i]41!? haha no wondr ur suhc a bitch ur old! total boomer fr fr![/i]\"\n\nAryl frowned. \"[i]No, only Millennial or Gen X. I'm right at the cutoff.[/i]\"\n\n\"[i]still a old boomer! bet ur a fat guy that want 2 goon over little boys 2[/i]\"\n\nA few people jumped in to try and stop the new person from being such a dick, though only one actually responded with a happy birthday to her directly. Instead, the conversation very quickly devolved into a flame war about 'old people' and somehow devolved further into rants about religion and politics. She had no idea how that even happened, and she had been watching the whole time. She only left one more response. \"[i]No idea what's happening. I'm just going to enjoy my cheesecake and coffee. Peace.[/i]\" Somehow this made people argue even more? She shook her head.\n\nShe was about to open Viewtube when someone set her a private message. She was going to ignore it, thinking it was just someone moving the rant to private, but it was the server owner messaging her. She opened it and read what he had to say. \"[i]Hey. I'm sorry to do this, but it seems your presence in the server has become very disruptive. So I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Otherwise, I'll have to kick you out.[/i]\"\n\nShe frowned. \"[i]How... is my posting a picture of a cheesecake disruptive?[/i]\"\n\nThe owner responded \"[i]Look, I've gotten a lot of people complaining about your attitude, and you do seem to make a lot of arguments happen. I'm sorry.[/i]\"\n\nAryl just looked at the screen in disbelief. How the fuck was she responsible for other people's problems? \"[i]Fine. Fucking kick me out then. Thanks for the birthday present, I guess.[/i]\"\n\n\"[i]See, that's the kind of attitude that people complain about. You shouldn't be so aggressive all the time.[/i]\"\n\nAggressive? How in the hell had she been aggressive? She was tempted to ask, but really just didn't care anymore. \"[i]Sure. Whatever. Bye.[/i]\" With that, she blocked the guy, and logged off. She looked down at the last bite of her cheesecake, suddenly not feeling hungry anymore. She echoed aloud what she had said on the first post. \"Happy Birthday, me.\"\n\nShe finally decided to look at her e-mails. As she suspected, most of them were spam and automated messages from a bunch of different places, many of them she hadn't even heard of. But mixed into one of them was something from her landlord. She opened it up, suspecting it was either a happy birthday, or more likely, a notice about some kind of maintenance. Instead, she was greeted by a message telling her that her rent was going up... by nearly $200. Starting next month. She stared at it in shock. These were some of the cheapest apartments around, and she could barely afford them as it was. That much money was going to eat into her food budget, which she had already stretched as thin as she possibly could.\n\nThe numbness filled her again. This was it. This was the end. There was no way she was going to be able to afford rent and still eat anymore. She already was barely eating as it was. And yet somehow that made her get fat instead of thin for reasons she'd never fathom. And now she was going to have to literally starve herself if she wanted to keep having a roof over her head? There was nothing she could cut out. If she wanted to keep doing the work she did online, she'd need the internet, and her computer. Maybe she could cut out her phone? No, that wouldn't work with how everything needed a fucking mobile function to work these days. She already tried to keep her AC and heating off as much as possible, and didn't use much water, so utilities couldn't really be reduced at all. Not unless she pitched her fridge, which she might as well if she wasn't going to be getting food anymore...\n\nShe sat and stared ahead, no longer looking at her computer as her thoughts spiraled wildly. She was going to end up homeless. And she didn't have a car to live out of, either. She had felt her life had fallen apart once before, when she had to retire from her previous job. Now even the crumbling ruins of her life were crashing around her like broken glass. There was nothing she could do. She had no one to reach out to and ask for help. She could try to beg for money online, but that would only be a temporary fix at best. And with how everyone always seemed to react to everything she did online, people would probably just think she's being greedy and selfish. She barely finished projects, and now she was asking for more money? They'd hate her even more.\n\nShe felt herself panting, her heart racing in her ears. She was done. She closed her eyes, expecting to be overwhelmed by tears... but there was nothing. Just a tightness in her chest and a cold chill in her veins. She was too tired to be upset, even as her life ended. ...Maybe she should actually end it. It's not like anyone was going to miss her. In fact, people would probably celebrate her death. If anyone even noticed. No, it was far more likely that she would just be forgotten quickly. The question was how. She already knew. She had thought about it before, after all, and she made the choice then. Now it was just time to actually do it.\n\nShe stood up, pushing her chair away and moved over to her closet, her movements almost robotic at this point. She pushed the clothing out of the way, and reached into the corner to pull out a small shoebox. She flipped open the lid and pulled from it a length of rope. The end was already tied into a noose. She'd practiced that many times a few years ago, so she knew it was right. She looked up at the motionless ceiling fan above where her desk sat. She nodded, and carefully climbed up to stand on her chair to reach. She tied the end of the rope around the base of the fan and gave it a solid tug. It should hold. At least long enough to matter.\n\nShe put the noose around her neck and tightened it. It fit snug around her neck. She wondered if she should have made some kind of note, but it's not like anyone would care to read it. It would just be more complaining from the old rat. She closed her eyes, taking her glasses off and throwing them onto her bed beside her. She felt strangely calm about this, her heart slowing down to an even pace within her chest as she finally made her choice. She took one more deep breath. \"Happy Birthday.\" With that, she shifted her legs to kick the chair out from under her, making it roll away.\n\nShe fell a few inches before the rope snapped tight around her neck. She had long ago measured it, so it left her dangling several inches off of the ground. The pain struck her almost immediately as the rope bit into her neck, crushing her throat. She tried not to struggle as her head started to swim, but her instincts were too strong to fully suppress. She gripped at the rope, but couldn't get her fingers under it at all. Her legs kicked as her heart started to pound in her chest again. Her body felt hot and cold at the same time, but the heat was growing more and more.\n\nHer head felt like it was starting to swell, blood rushing through her ears as a ringing in them started to overpower any other sound. Dark, splotchy spots started to swim in front of her eyes, making her already blurry vision even more dark. Her legs started to kick and shiver, her thick, furless tail thrashing about. Her tits and belly wobbled with the instinctive struggles she failed to suppress. Her mouth opened, as if she wanted to scream, but not even a choked sound came out. A part of her wished it would end already, but another part thought she deserved this pain. She should suffer one last time in her final moments.\n\nHer head started to cloud over more and more, a pressure building and taking over any other thought. Her chest burned with white-hot fire for the need to get a breath, but was denied by the rope crushing her neck. Her legs lost the energy to keep flailing, hanging and twitching. Even her tail fell limp. Her arms released the grip on the rope as she finally felt herself starting to fade away. The black splotches dominated her blurry vision now, and she wished to fall into the darkness they promised. She couldn't close her eyes, staring ahead at nothingness.\n\nSuddenly, everything jerked, and she felt strangely weightless. She had felt this once before, when she was 9 and nearly drowned. It had to be what it was. She was finally dying. Then pain flashed into her right leg, and then her arm, and then her head as she struck a solid surface. Her lungs betrayed her as they took a deep, raspy gasp of air the instant the passage was cleared. Only to then leave her in a fit of coughing and gagging from her throat being crushed as it had been. Her heart still thudded wildly in her chest, as if trying to escape. It beat harder now than it had moments before as she was on the edge of death.\n\nIt took her some time to realize she was laying on the floor. Her ankle hurt badly from the fall, probably twisted. She managed to look up, seeing the ceiling fan high above her, a small piece of rope hanging beside one of the blades, the end frayed. She shakily raised a hand to find the end of the rope on her end, finding it just as frayed. The fucking rope snapped. It couldn't bear her weight. It was probably because it was so old. She'd had it in that box for years, and it wasn't new when she first got it. She just stared at the end of the rope. Somehow, it was the perfect symbol for her. At the literal end of her rope, it broke. She was such a failure, she couldn't even kill herself properly. It was so fitting, she could have laughed.\n\nInstead, finally, after so much time, she started to cry for the first time in years. And once they started, there was no stopping them. She started to sob, and then wail. She lay on the floor, curled into a ball, hugging herself tight, and let everything out. She didn't care who heard her anymore. She couldn't stop herself if she wanted to. She didn't have the energy to control herself. So she cried and sobbed and screamed and shivered and... did it more. She hugged her knees tight as the tears poured out of her.\n\n[center]* * *[/center]", "writing_bbcode_parsed": "
Fatigue

By XP Author


Aryl groaned as her consciousness swam back to the surface again. Though she felt no more rested then when she first went to sleep... hours ago, probably. She reluctantly opened her eyes, looking up at the dimming light coming in around the curtains over the window behind her headboard. She grunted. "4:00?" She lazily rolled over, reaching out to grab her phone as it charged on the bedside table beside her. 3:49 pm. "Close enough." She was usually pretty good at that, guessing what time it was just by the light in the window, or lack there of. Not exactly a useful ability, such as it was. But she didn't really have any useful abilities, at least as far as things that helped with day to day life.

She forced herself to sit up, yawning and stretching a little. Her back protested. So did her shoulders. Most of her was either sore or ached. She still pushed herself up and to her feet. She half-stumbled, half-limped her way to the bathroom to do her 'morning' pee. After relieving herself, she looked at the shower. She should really have one. She hadn't in a few days. She just didn't have the effort for it. Not like it really mattered. She never left her apartment, unless it was to shop for food. She probably would need to do that at some point soon, but she didn't have the energy for that, either.

Turning to look at herself in the mirror, she sighed. "Fuck..." Staring back at her was the face and body of an old rat. Her pale tan fur had gotten streaks of grey around her face, most notable at the sides of her eyes and around her neck and chin. Her dirty-blonde hair had even more grey through the strands that hung down to her mid-back. Though a good portion of her hair was flying in wild directions from sleep. She at least took the time to brush her hair back. It would be more annoying to leave it constantly getting in her face. The rest of her was not what she would call appealing. Not that she ever thought she was a looker. But her belly had gotten round and flabby, her average-at-best tits sagged just slightly. The only thing she used to be proud of, her legs, had even started to get soft from her inactivity of the last several years.

She finished brushing her hair and tied it back into a lazy ponytail. Looking back at the mirror, she sighed. She looked so tired, but felt it even more. There were heavy bags under her grey-blue eyes. Even looking into the reflection of her own eyes, they seemed to stare past her, emotionless. She closed them and just let her head droop a little as she leaned against the counter. She swore she looked a little older every day. She didn't remember her own mother looking so old at her age. After a moment, she ran some water and splashed it onto her face. It did nothing to help wake her.

She didn't bother getting dressed as she walked out of the bathroom. She lived alone, after all, so there was no one she could offend with her nakedness other than herself. It was a small, studio apartment, and rent still cost too much. She limped to her desk, favoring her right leg as always, and turned on the computer under it and grabbing her glasses from the surface. They were rounded-squarish things that sat on her face, with silver frames. She needed new ones. It had been years since she went to the eye-doctor, and she was almost certain that the prescription would have changed by now. Especially with how much her eyes hurt by the end of the day. But they at least helped keep the world mostly clear in her vision. She wasn't totally blind without them, just somewhat nearsighted. Ironic, as she used to have better than average far sight when she was a teen. Just another thing she'd lost with age.

She limped her way to the kitchenette and started a pot of coffee for herself. One of the few joys in her life. As that brewed and filled the small apartment with the wonderful smell of medium roast and cinnamon, she opened the fridge, almost out of habit. There was very little inside of it. "Fuck..." She probably should go shopping after all. She grabbed a small bag, pulling out her last bagel and throwing it into the toaster oven. She forgot she was completely out of cream cheese to spread on it until she went looking.

The toaster oven made a loud 'PING' as it finished, and she slid the bagel onto a plate, only to frown as it was far darker than she had intended. "Well, at least it's not burnt..." She poured her coffee into an oversized mug, filling it near to the top. It was the size of two regular coffee mugs. It saved time, so she didn't have to go back and get a refill. A little cream and sweetener in the coffee, and some butter spread on the bagel, and she was done with her 'morning' routine. She took both to the computer, half-dropped into her old desk chair. It creaked under her weight, but didn't threaten to give out.

As she ate and sipped her coffee, she opened her e-mail. Almost all of it was junk, as usual. Junk, or random updates from websites she had profiles for, letting her know of special deals she had less than no interest in. She frowned at one. 'Happy Birthday from Glitch!' She had streamed games on the service years ago, and they still sent her things like this. They were a little early for her birthday, but only by a few days. She used to enjoy getting these little automated messages. Now they were just a reminder she was getting old. Like she needed to be reminded she was turning 41 soon. She felt it in every creak of her bones and failing muscles.

She closed her e-mail and... she wasn't sure now. She stared at her computer screen, feeling unmotivated to do anything. She should probably work on the projects she had piling up, but she had no motivation to even touch them. Even though she owed so many commissions to people, and many were months old, some of the oldest from nearly a year ago. She tried, opening one document after another, but she just found herself staring at the screen and closing the document again, then trying another only for the same result. She wasted nearly two hours with this, and accomplished absolutely nothing. Even trying to put on music did nothing to help her get into a mood.

Sighing, she closed everything and just went to Viewtube to watch... whatever popped up on the recommended page. She found one from a true crime podcast and started that one. It was almost three hours long, so that would kill some time. While she had it running on her second monitor, she pulled up a video game on the main one, keeping the sound muted so it didn't compete with the podcast. The game was a mindless and low-effort city builder that she didn't have to pay too much attention to, made even more mindless by the multiple cheats she was using, since she didn't care about any kind of challenge right now. It was still fun... well, fun enough. She hadn't actually had real fun in years. She wasn't even sure she enjoyed most things anymore, too tired for those kinds of emotions.

A few times in her gaming session, she got some pings from Offkey, the instant-messanger type thing she used. Well, most people used it these days. It had servers, some public, most private, all for any community imaginable. She was in a few, mostly related to the kind of work she did, which was of an adult nature. Though she always felt so strange being in them. Most people in the servers were half her age, and it always felt very odd to be talking about porn and sex with people she was old enough to be the mother of. She also didn't understand a great deal of their humor, and understood even less of any references they made. She wasn't exactly up on current 'in' things with anime and shows and whatever other current fad was going around. Likewise, they almost never got any of her references or jokes, and the few that they did were all 'old' to them. She couldn't even talk about most video games with any of them, since the games she liked were older than just about anyone there other than her.

It left her feeling like an outsider... again. She was always the outsider, though. Even when she was younger, she was the other. No matter what group, organization, fandom, or anything else she was a part of, she was different than so many people in it. Either it was the fact she was a woman, or the fact she was a rat, or her opinions, or her likes and dislikes, or her hobbies, or her profession, it didn't matter. She was always the outsider in the group. Her father had even made a joke out of it when she was younger. "There's everyone else, and then there's Aryl." He meant it as endearing, and for a long time it felt that way. She even used it as a business slogan for nearly ten years. Though that business had failed with her health over five years prior. Now... now it felt overwhelming. She was alone, the forever outsider, the other-woman.

She looked at the clock on the computer, seeing it was growing closer to 6:00 in the morning. With a sigh, she closed the game and all the browsers. "Might as well go do that shopping..." The local supermarket would be open soon. She still didn't feel the effort for a shower. She didn't stink, so a light spritz of a mild, slightly flowery perfume should be enough to cover anything. She picked some clothes that weren't really flattering, but comfortable. Long denim pants to cover her legs, and a plain and simple blouse in dark blue for a top. With that, she made a few final entries on the list, tossed it into the shopping bags, and headed out to the store that was thankfully just around the corner.

*     *     *


"Get the fuck out of my way, you fat slob!" Aryl quirked an eyebrow as the shrill voice shrieked in her direction. She was just inside the front doors to the supermarket, and turned to look at the parking lot. A boar, shorter than Aryl but twice her size around, and about her age, was waddling her way over. A look of pissed off made the woman's already ugly features even more distasteful. As she got closer, she put her hands on her exceedingly wide hips and glared at Aryl. "I said move! Or are you deaf as well as retarded!?"

The rat simply shifted to the side. "Good morning to you, too."

"Fuck you, cunt!" The boar shoved passed and yanked a cart so hard, the whole line nearly tipped over. She then pushed her way into the store, screaming at anyone else that was in the way with the same shrill shrieking.

Aryl just shook her head as she got her own cart and much more calmly entered the store proper. She could hear the woman still shouting at anyone around her. It was like she was trying to be intentionally as offensive as she possibly could, using species and sexual slurs, and as many swears as she possibly could. The rat didn't know why people like that were allowed to exist. Or why anyone would want to exist like that. Being in a state of perpetually pissed off would be so incredibly tiring. She liked to go shopping this early in the morning because there weren't many people around. Unfortunately, it did sometimes bring out the crazies like that detestable woman.

Thankfully, she didn't bump into the boar again. Though she was very easy to avoid, with the noise she was making being heard in the whole store. Aryl just spent her time as she grabbed the items on her list. She still used the cart as a kind of makeshift cane to help with her leg. The rat wasn't quite to the point that she needed a cane, but she did have a distinct limp. She'd injured her leg many years ago. Nothing as dramatic as an accident, though. It was simply arthritis from overuse. Years of being a courier had destroyed the cartilage in her right knee, and her left was not much better. Her left ankle was also not in the best of shape. She'd broken it when she was a teenager, and while it had healed properly back then, it had always been a bit weaker as a result. Unfortunately, these injuries also destroyed her career. Hard to be a courier when just the act of mounting a bike was agony. She was lucky she could make the short trip from her apartment to the market and back again. And naturally, for some fucking reason, she didn't qualify for disability.

She did get one treat as she was making her way to the checkouts. The irate woman was shouting and screaming at the top of her lungs as she was being escorted out of the building by two police officers. Aryl smirked. There was at least some justice left in the world, even if it was so minor. As she got to the register, a young rabbit of around 18 tending it shook his head. "I don't know why some people act like that..."

Aryl shrugged. "Welcome to the 21st century."

The rabbit shrugged. "I guess." He cleared his throat and smiled at her. "Sorry, shouldn't say stuff like that. Anyway, did you find everything you were looking for?"

She nodded. "More or less." She finished unloading the cart with her few items, and moved down to the end to start bagging all the things he'd finished ringing up for her.

"Alright. Your total is $163." She winced. It wasn't that long ago all this wouldn't have cost half that much. "Do you need help getting this out to your car?"

She shook her head as she finished putting the last things into the bag. "No. My bike is just out front."

His ears perked up a little. "Motorcycle?"

"Bicycle." She gently corrected.

He smiled. "Oh! Wow, it's impressive someone your age still rides a bike!"

She gave him a dubious look, but knew he didn't mean it in any kind of insulting way. He was still a kid, so she just took the compliment. "Well, it's just a quick trip around the corner and back. I can manage that still." She paid for the groceries, knowing it would nearly drain her account for the rest of the month, and said her goodbyes as she went back outside. She stopped as she got to the bike rack, and let out a heavy sigh. "Fucking... really?" Her bike sat on the ground, both wheels and the seat missing, the chain lock laying beside what was left, cut mid-way through the links. "Wouldn't it be easier to just steal the whole fucking thing?"

She groaned as she bent over to pick up the frame, and started the short, but unfortunate walk back to her apartment. She didn't want to bother with doing a rideshare. Even for so short a trip, it would cost way too much money. And she was going to need to buy new wheels and handlebar for her bike. She had thought to maybe flag down the officers that had dragged the karen off, but there was nothing they'd really be able to do about it. Plus they were busy dealing with the woman right now. So she would deal with this... and the agony she'd be in later.

*     *     *


Aryl groaned as consciousness came back to her again. She sighed and opened her eyes, looking up at the light as she always did. "...Noon?" She rolled over, feeling her back and legs protesting more than usual, and picked up the phone. 12:21 pm. She fell back onto her back with a heavy sigh. She'd only slept for just over four hours. She lay there, staring up at the bland ceiling above her, blinking slowly as her mind flooded with random thoughts, few of them linked by any kind of logic. Some of them were ideas for the projects she was working on, some of them were random thoughts about the weather, but most circled back to the same issue. She was not happy. She was just tired. Sleep was never restful, even when she actually got an actually good amount of it. And she was in pain. The walk had not been kind to her knees at all.

She pushed herself up to start her typical morning routine. She was still naked, having stripped down almost as soon as she got home and put the groceries away, only to immediately flop onto the bed and pass out. Soon, she was sitting back at her computer, bagel with cream cheese in one hand, coffee in the other. Her e-mail had more happy birthday automated messages, which she deleted. After finishing her bagel, and most of her coffee, she attempted to work on projects. She got around half-way through one before she couldn't force herself to work anymore. And she hated what she had done. She could always tell when her work was forced. It never held up to her standard of quality. But at least it was something.

She looked at the messages on Offkey, raising an eyebrow at some of the utter nonsense people were posting as memes and jokes. It was just loud noise and extremely sped up footage, and made no sense to her. She did try to engage with some of the people in chats, greeting someone new into the server. Within less than twenty minutes, she'd somehow managed to offend the person, and had no idea how. She had made a lame joke against herself about being overweight, and somehow that sparked a huge rant about fat-shaming from multiple people. The fact that she was mocking only herself didn't seem to matter. Why was everyone always in a perpetual state of being offended these days? She almost said that in the chat, but thought better of it. She just closed the whole program and moved on. It wouldn't surprise her to find she was banned when she logged back in. It had happened before. Many times. She was very good at making people upset by simply existing.

After staring at her computer for some time, the idea about getting new parts for her bike came to her. She pulled up the shopping site she liked to use and looked up the wheels and handlebar and seat for her bike model. The seat she could find, but the handlebars and wheels were a problem. "No longer in production. Of fucking course." The bike was only five years old. She wasn't even sure how bike wheels needed to be dependent on a model of frame. But the last time she tried to just wing it and order some anyway, they didn't fit properly and she nearly did a serious injury to herself. She tried to find the parts on several other sites, including second-hand. They were ridiculously expensive on all of the ones that did have them in stock. 'Just buy a new bike' expensive. Unfortunately, a new bike was also outside of her price range, especially right now. Everything was so expensive.

She sighed and closed everything, leaning back in her chair. "Fuck..." She closed her eyes, just sitting there and... wallowing in self-pity. She hated the world these days. Everything was overpriced, and nothing paid enough. Between her abnormal sleeping habits and mental issues, she was incapable of holding a normal job. Most places wouldn't even hire her these days, and those that probably would wouldn't care about her mobility issues. She wasn't 'bad enough' to warrant disability, so why should any company bother caring? Her independent work made her only just enough to pay for rent and buy food, but not for much longer with everything costing more and more each year. And with her current mental state, she'd been very unproductive, which only compounded the issues even more. It wasn't the world she hated, it was herself, and her lack of a place in it. She was supposed to be smart, apparently with a genius IQ, and yet she could barely take care of herself, and was a failure at everything she tried.

She needed to just get out of her head. She wished she had some easy way to do it. She sighed and just pulled up some porn. She hadn't gotten off in days. Maybe rubbing one out, so to speak, would help a little. She pulled her vibrator out of a drawer and checked that it turned on. At least the batteries weren't dead. She started a video of a rat getting railed by a big dog, and started to use the toy on herself. She started it on a low setting, just humming against her pussy lips while her other hand teased at herself. She was only just getting herself warmed up by the time the dog was blasting his load onto the rat's face in the video. She pulled up another, this time a buff mouse having his way with a thin vixen. As the two in the video went at it, she slid the vibrator into her now slick tunnel, moaning softly.

She had to start a third video, a pair of cute squirrels this time, pretending to be doing a massage act that quickly turned into one fucking the other in the ass. She let out a moan as she watched. The male was pretty cute, and he was very well built, his muscles visible as he knelt behind the woman to start ramming his impressive shaft into her rear. Aryl moaned softly again, pumping the vibrator into herself a little, turning it up higher, while her other hand working gently at her clit. She started to pant a little as her pleasure built. The two in the video were going at it harder, the man flipping the girl over and gripping her throat, dominantly holding her down while he rammed himself deep. Aryl moaned, her hips shifting side to side as she pumped the vibrator into herself harder and deeper, turning it up to the maximum setting.

In the video, the man pulled out at the last second, his cock jumping and spitting his seed all over the woman's belly and bouncy tits, all while she played that somehow that made her cum at the same time. Aryl whined softly, feeling her own orgasm building up. She didn't bother starting another video, just closed her eyes and tried to focus on the pleasure. It built higher and higher, until it finally struck. She let out a quiet little cry of pleasure as she clenched around the vibrator while stuffing it deep inside of her tunnel. She shivered a little as the pleasure rolled over her.

All too soon, it was done. She slid the toy out of herself and turned it off, then leaned back in her chair to catch her breath a little. She let out a sigh as she sat there, groaning slightly. She had managed to get off, but it wasn't exactly satisfying. It was just a moment and done, and she was left with herself again. She let out a long breath, opening her eyes but looking at nothing. It had been so long since she had cum because of something other than a toy or her own fingers. Almost fifteen years... though that was not exactly a time she liked to think about. She hadn't been the most willing participant in those events. It wasn't full rape... exactly... It was more confusing than that. She had let a woman get close to her, and she had been so lonely and... stupid... that she let the woman touch her and do things she wasn't fully comfortable with at the time. Sure, she got off, but it had left her feeling... wrong.

Didn't help that the goat was a real drunk. After seeing the woman piss herself on her own doorstep, Aryl broke everything off and never saw her again. It wasn't for several years that she came to terms with how she had been used. And even to this day, almost fifteen years later, she wasn't sure if it counted as being raped or not. But it had effected her. It was because of that incident that she had cut herself off from ever getting that close to anyone again. She never wanted to feel so... vulnerable and idiotic again. But it left her more alone than ever, and now she regretted that she barely had anyone she'd even call a friend, and even those people were only online. She had no one she could spend time with in the same room. And she didn't even know where to begin looking for that anymore. Everyone her own age was either already married, or wouldn't be interested in someone like her. The only people that were interested in a fat old rat were really young, and the idea of trying to date someone half her age felt weird, wrong, and kind of predatory.

She could barely take care of herself as it was. Getting into a relationship was just... too much work. She was almost too tired to get out of bed in the morning. Trying to 'hook up' with someone would be exhausting, let alone actually dating someone. No, she was destined to remain the old rat by herself. Just another version of her being the outsider. The other-woman. As she always was. She couldn't even be sad about it anymore. She didn't have the energy to be sad. Just... numb.

*     *     *


It was 2:43 pm when she got up this time. She saw she had four texts on her phone when she looked at it. Three were automated messages telling her happy birthday from places she didn't even know she'd given her number to. The last was also a automated message, but some phishing bullshit trying to get her to click a link for some political thing she gave no shits about. She deleted all of them and rolled onto her back again. "Yeah. Happy Birthday. You're even older now..." It took some effort to get up today. It was like she somehow felt more weight from it being her birthday. Still, she managed to actually shower this time. She should at least be clean today, even if she had no plans to leave the house. Not like she could afford to go anywhere. Or even get there. Her bike was still missing wheels.

After drying off, she made herself her usual coffee. But instead of a bagel for breakfast, she pulled out a miniature cheesecake she had gotten for herself when shopping. It came with a strawberry topping that she could spread on it. She squeezed it out of the tube around the edge, then drew a sloppy '41' on the top. She took a picture of it with her phone, then took it and the coffee to her computer. She didn't bother with e-mail right now, knowing it would be the usual spam. She instead pulled up Offkey and posted the picture of her cheesecake, with a little "Happy birthday, me" as a label on it.

She got a response instantly from the person she'd somehow managed to upset the day before. "41!? haha no wondr ur suhc a bitch ur old! total boomer fr fr!"

Aryl frowned. "No, only Millennial or Gen X. I'm right at the cutoff."

"still a old boomer! bet ur a fat guy that want 2 goon over little boys 2"

A few people jumped in to try and stop the new person from being such a dick, though only one actually responded with a happy birthday to her directly. Instead, the conversation very quickly devolved into a flame war about 'old people' and somehow devolved further into rants about religion and politics. She had no idea how that even happened, and she had been watching the whole time. She only left one more response. "No idea what's happening. I'm just going to enjoy my cheesecake and coffee. Peace." Somehow this made people argue even more? She shook her head.

She was about to open Viewtube when someone set her a private message. She was going to ignore it, thinking it was just someone moving the rant to private, but it was the server owner messaging her. She opened it and read what he had to say. "Hey. I'm sorry to do this, but it seems your presence in the server has become very disruptive. So I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Otherwise, I'll have to kick you out."

She frowned. "How... is my posting a picture of a cheesecake disruptive?"

The owner responded "Look, I've gotten a lot of people complaining about your attitude, and you do seem to make a lot of arguments happen. I'm sorry."

Aryl just looked at the screen in disbelief. How the fuck was she responsible for other people's problems? "Fine. Fucking kick me out then. Thanks for the birthday present, I guess."

"See, that's the kind of attitude that people complain about. You shouldn't be so aggressive all the time."

Aggressive? How in the hell had she been aggressive? She was tempted to ask, but really just didn't care anymore. "Sure. Whatever. Bye." With that, she blocked the guy, and logged off. She looked down at the last bite of her cheesecake, suddenly not feeling hungry anymore. She echoed aloud what she had said on the first post. "Happy Birthday, me."

She finally decided to look at her e-mails. As she suspected, most of them were spam and automated messages from a bunch of different places, many of them she hadn't even heard of. But mixed into one of them was something from her landlord. She opened it up, suspecting it was either a happy birthday, or more likely, a notice about some kind of maintenance. Instead, she was greeted by a message telling her that her rent was going up... by nearly $200. Starting next month. She stared at it in shock. These were some of the cheapest apartments around, and she could barely afford them as it was. That much money was going to eat into her food budget, which she had already stretched as thin as she possibly could.

The numbness filled her again. This was it. This was the end. There was no way she was going to be able to afford rent and still eat anymore. She already was barely eating as it was. And yet somehow that made her get fat instead of thin for reasons she'd never fathom. And now she was going to have to literally starve herself if she wanted to keep having a roof over her head? There was nothing she could cut out. If she wanted to keep doing the work she did online, she'd need the internet, and her computer. Maybe she could cut out her phone? No, that wouldn't work with how everything needed a fucking mobile function to work these days. She already tried to keep her AC and heating off as much as possible, and didn't use much water, so utilities couldn't really be reduced at all. Not unless she pitched her fridge, which she might as well if she wasn't going to be getting food anymore...

She sat and stared ahead, no longer looking at her computer as her thoughts spiraled wildly. She was going to end up homeless. And she didn't have a car to live out of, either. She had felt her life had fallen apart once before, when she had to retire from her previous job. Now even the crumbling ruins of her life were crashing around her like broken glass. There was nothing she could do. She had no one to reach out to and ask for help. She could try to beg for money online, but that would only be a temporary fix at best. And with how everyone always seemed to react to everything she did online, people would probably just think she's being greedy and selfish. She barely finished projects, and now she was asking for more money? They'd hate her even more.

She felt herself panting, her heart racing in her ears. She was done. She closed her eyes, expecting to be overwhelmed by tears... but there was nothing. Just a tightness in her chest and a cold chill in her veins. She was too tired to be upset, even as her life ended. ...Maybe she should actually end it. It's not like anyone was going to miss her. In fact, people would probably celebrate her death. If anyone even noticed. No, it was far more likely that she would just be forgotten quickly. The question was how. She already knew. She had thought about it before, after all, and she made the choice then. Now it was just time to actually do it.

She stood up, pushing her chair away and moved over to her closet, her movements almost robotic at this point. She pushed the clothing out of the way, and reached into the corner to pull out a small shoebox. She flipped open the lid and pulled from it a length of rope. The end was already tied into a noose. She'd practiced that many times a few years ago, so she knew it was right. She looked up at the motionless ceiling fan above where her desk sat. She nodded, and carefully climbed up to stand on her chair to reach. She tied the end of the rope around the base of the fan and gave it a solid tug. It should hold. At least long enough to matter.

She put the noose around her neck and tightened it. It fit snug around her neck. She wondered if she should have made some kind of note, but it's not like anyone would care to read it. It would just be more complaining from the old rat. She closed her eyes, taking her glasses off and throwing them onto her bed beside her. She felt strangely calm about this, her heart slowing down to an even pace within her chest as she finally made her choice. She took one more deep breath. "Happy Birthday." With that, she shifted her legs to kick the chair out from under her, making it roll away.

She fell a few inches before the rope snapped tight around her neck. She had long ago measured it, so it left her dangling several inches off of the ground. The pain struck her almost immediately as the rope bit into her neck, crushing her throat. She tried not to struggle as her head started to swim, but her instincts were too strong to fully suppress. She gripped at the rope, but couldn't get her fingers under it at all. Her legs kicked as her heart started to pound in her chest again. Her body felt hot and cold at the same time, but the heat was growing more and more.

Her head felt like it was starting to swell, blood rushing through her ears as a ringing in them started to overpower any other sound. Dark, splotchy spots started to swim in front of her eyes, making her already blurry vision even more dark. Her legs started to kick and shiver, her thick, furless tail thrashing about. Her tits and belly wobbled with the instinctive struggles she failed to suppress. Her mouth opened, as if she wanted to scream, but not even a choked sound came out. A part of her wished it would end already, but another part thought she deserved this pain. She should suffer one last time in her final moments.

Her head started to cloud over more and more, a pressure building and taking over any other thought. Her chest burned with white-hot fire for the need to get a breath, but was denied by the rope crushing her neck. Her legs lost the energy to keep flailing, hanging and twitching. Even her tail fell limp. Her arms released the grip on the rope as she finally felt herself starting to fade away. The black splotches dominated her blurry vision now, and she wished to fall into the darkness they promised. She couldn't close her eyes, staring ahead at nothingness.

Suddenly, everything jerked, and she felt strangely weightless. She had felt this once before, when she was 9 and nearly drowned. It had to be what it was. She was finally dying. Then pain flashed into her right leg, and then her arm, and then her head as she struck a solid surface. Her lungs betrayed her as they took a deep, raspy gasp of air the instant the passage was cleared. Only to then leave her in a fit of coughing and gagging from her throat being crushed as it had been. Her heart still thudded wildly in her chest, as if trying to escape. It beat harder now than it had moments before as she was on the edge of death.

It took her some time to realize she was laying on the floor. Her ankle hurt badly from the fall, probably twisted. She managed to look up, seeing the ceiling fan high above her, a small piece of rope hanging beside one of the blades, the end frayed. She shakily raised a hand to find the end of the rope on her end, finding it just as frayed. The fucking rope snapped. It couldn't bear her weight. It was probably because it was so old. She'd had it in that box for years, and it wasn't new when she first got it. She just stared at the end of the rope. Somehow, it was the perfect symbol for her. At the literal end of her rope, it broke. She was such a failure, she couldn't even kill herself properly. It was so fitting, she could have laughed.

Instead, finally, after so much time, she started to cry for the first time in years. And once they started, there was no stopping them. She started to sob, and then wail. She lay on the floor, curled into a ball, hugging herself tight, and let everything out. She didn't care who heard her anymore. She couldn't stop herself if she wanted to. She didn't have the energy to control herself. So she cried and sobbed and screamed and shivered and... did it more. She hugged her knees tight as the tears poured out of her.

*     *     *
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