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wrote this!  It is lovely! <33333333333333333

Oh and if you're easily offended, don't bother.  You've been warned.  XD

Original submission here:  https://inkbunny.net/submissionview.php?id=233748

Please please PLEASE direct comments/faves to the original submission!  Thank you muchly! ", "writing": "Charn’s Little Helper\n\n(c) Charn 2012\n\nCharn was sitting at the window, wrapped up in his sick blanket. It was blue and plaid and comfy and warm without being stifling, and it hid the striped cat’s naked, fur-less body from those passing by on the streets below. Charn wasn’t paying attention to those people, though, whether they noticed him or not. He had his binoculars out, and he was bird-watching.\n\n\tWell, bird watching may not be the correct term. Birds have wings and beaks and feathers and stuff. Charn was watching, ah, pre-birds. Eggs, really. Big ole eggs, sagging and wobbling and clacking around in their furry protective nests.\n\n\tCharn couldn’t get to them, of course. They were out in the sunshine, the bright, hot sunlight that would scorch and burn the sick feline’s body. They were there, jostling and flaunting and dangling and he couldn’t so much as taste them. Charn left out the saddest sigh that any loveable psychopathic kitty ever could, and put his binoculars down. What a terrible day this was going to be!\n\n\tThen there was a knock on the door!\n\n\t“Boss!” There was a scrabbling at the door, and the handle turned, clicking against the lock. “Boss, I think I’m locked out!” The handle turned the other way. “Yup. Definitely locked out boss!”\n\n\tCharn turned, to say something, and the door PAWOOMED off the hinges, exploding in a cloud of cheap tarnish and sawdust! There, in the doorway, stood a wolf. Not just any wolf though. This was WOLFIE, the badassest of all wolfie wolves. Why, just standing there, you could hear the phat bass and beat drops of his background music. Nobody knew where it came from, it was just there, and it was groovy, and it was bad ass. \n\n\tWolfie walked through the doorway and bounded over to the poor, poor sick tiger. “Hey Boss! how are you doing? I brought you some fresh dragon broth soup!” He waggled an oversized canteen, and Charn grimaced.\n\n\t“I hate that stuff. Anything you make from a dragon always tastes a little like pee.” He took it though, and leaned to give the bustling little dynamo a big smooch on the cheek. “I’m sure it’s very, very healthy, though.”\n\n\t“Well if you don’t want it, I’ll get you something you -do- want!” Wolfie said, taking the thermos back. He went to the window, and unscrewed the lid, dumping the dragon broth right outside! There were screams as the boiling soup splashed on a bicycling zebra’s helmet, who veered out of the way and right into the hitch of a tow-truck! The hitch snagged right underneath his bike seat, and with a rip, punched up and into the underside of his bicycle shorts. \n\n\t“Waaait, waaaait!” they heard faintly, as the zebra was towed off by his tackle!\n\n\tCharn and Wolfie didn’t really pay much attention. Zebras were nice and all but they were -always- getting their junk ripped up. It was like they liked it or something. \n\n\t“So what do you -want-, Charnparn? What would make your tummy so happy? Tacos? Cookies?”\n\n\tWolfie bounded into the poor, poor, sick tiger’s lap, and rubbed the striped belly, and Charn rubbed the back of Wolfie’s shoulders. He hmmmed, and hawwwed, and thought, and then he thought a little bit more.\n\n\t“Well you know....”\n\n\t“Yes boss? What is it? What do you want?” Wolfie’s eyes gleamed with excitement. \n\n\t“I was thinking I would love to make some clam chowder... that sounds really nourishing, doesn’t it?”\n\n\t“Clam chowder sounds AWESOME!”\n\n\t“Only... I’m not supposed to have seafood, because it might react with my medicine.” Charn frowned.\n\n\tWolfie frowned too.\n\n\tBut then Charn smiled! “However, I know a recipe that you and I can make, a recipe that tastes -just- like Clam Chowder only without using any seafood at all!”\n\n\tWolfie ooooooh’d, fascinated, and Charn nodded, leaning in. They touched their pink noses together, conspiring. “And I know just where we can get the ingredients!”\n\n\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\n\n\tFive minutes later, a three foot (and maybe some inches) tall black shadow slinked out of Charn’s place. It pressed flat to the walls. It was fluid. It was smoke. It was Ninja Wolfie. In one hand rested a crumpled up post-it note with a list of ingredients. In the other, a ten dollar bill. It was really all the spare change Charn had laying around. It would be more than enough.\n\n\t\n\n\tWolfie peered at the list again, eyes furrowed.\n\n\tINGREDIENTS:\n\nGarlic\n\nA Dozen Clams\n\nThree Big PIeces of Bacon\n\nHeavy Cream\n\nHot Sauce\n\nPotatoes\n\n\tSome of these ingredients would be easier than others. Charn had told him exactly where to go to get the clams, and that would have to be the first place. He felt along his back, the leather-wrapped handle peeking from beneath his tunic. He had all of the equipment he would need. All he had to do, now? Was have some fun.\n\n\tBack in the apartment, Charn pulled out his binoculars and went back to bird watching. Well, egg watching. He peered down at the quiet little park a block or two away, a block that a little black shadow was scurrying and sauntering towards.\n\n\tIt was horse day, apparently, in the park. Mustangs, shires, clydesdales, belgians, and was that a Castillonais? Oh my. They were naked, lounging, talking, playing volleyball, and those warm toasty sun rays that Charn had to stay out of were gently baking, soothing, relaxing those big ole bags of balls that hung between each one’s thighs. Brown bags, black bags, grey bags, each one shifting and sliding over those trapped organs inside, those delicious little snacks that Charn had spent soooo many years capturing and claiming and stealing. \n\n\tHe could even see the sweat dripping off of that Appaloosa’s, and... wow, these binoculars were -exceptional-. He sighed. So close, and yet so far away. \n\n\tWolfie wasn’t far away at all, though. He was hiding in a tree, in that very same park, examining the horses that froliced and flaunted and grunted all around. There were at least three, and maybe as many as thirty. He figured it would probably be enough. He undid the black balaclava, unfolding it and putting it in his pocket, with the recipe list. He wouldn’t need that, right now. He reached behind him, unstrapping the racket from his back. \n\nThe smooth, leather wrapped handle was sturdy, the leather fresh, spongy. It squeezed nicely between his fingers. Pulling it out, he bared the business end of the tool. The netting glittered, the sharp blade hungry for meat. \n\n\t“Be careful with this,” Charn had said, handing it over, wrapped carefully in old sheets, totally hidden. “It’s a very special tool, only for special occasions. One wrong move and you could really, really hurt someone.”\n\n\tWolfie had taken it, foolishly, eagerly, smiling up to the big tiger. “Don’t worry, boss, I got it!”\n\n\tAnd he did.\n\n\tAlbert the Friesian finished his Bapst Black Ribbon, crushing the can against the trunk of a tree, and turned to face it. He was a magnificent horse, when he was sober, and drunk he wasn’t half bad either - if you minded the occasional hoof stomp on your foot or the ridiculously banal hit on lines. He turned to the tree, bracing himself, and tugged on his sheath, dropping his big ole horsey hose into his hand. He grinned, looking around, making sure to spread his legs and show off a bit as he worked his cock out of his sheath, so he could take a piss. He’d been drinking all morning - they all had - and he really needed to uncork.\n\n\tHe didn’t hear the soft kerfluffle of the black ninja wolfie as it dropped out of the tree behind him, with his strange black tool. He didn’t notice even a little bit as the wolf turned to face him, reaching out with that strange thing that looked sort of like one of the tithing baskets from church.\n\n\tBobby the Lippazaner noticed, sprawled out on a hammock on the next tree over. He frowned, trying to figure out what the wolf was doing. He was holding like a baseball bat, or something, only there was a hoop on the end, with a net underneath it. It looked vaguely familiar, but he couldn’t quite place where. He took another deep gulp of his Mad Dog 60/60, head tilted to the side.\n\n\tWolfie’s pink tongue stuck out, his short fingers working over the shaft of the tool, holding it steady. That stinky horse was peeing on the tree, the yellow fluid going all over the bark. Horses were so gross. Wolfie carefully threaded the little hoop up between the horse’s thighs, his eyes furrowing. This was the hard part, the careful part. The SERIOUS part.\n\n\tYANK!\n\n\tAlbert grunted, his dick twitching, pausing in it’s spilling of all that cheap beer back on the ground, and he blinked. What was that? His tail switched, and he went back to peeing, unconcerned.\n\n\tWolfie grinned! It had worked! The sharpened edge of the butterfly net had shaved those ornery horse clams right off of the bastard, and the heavy lump slid down the netting, to rest in the bottom. \n\n\tNot that Wolfie had had any concerns about it. It was going to work, one way or another! He turned, peering around, and seeing another horse laying on a picnic blanket, eating grapes and staring up at the sky.\n\n\tHe bounded right up! “Hi!”\n\n\tThe short, fluffy, pudgy stallion grunted at him, eating another red grape, his fingers stained through with it. “Eh.”\n\n\t“Wanna see something cool?” Wolfie asked, nudging the horse’s hoof away from the other one.\n\n\t“Not really.” replied the stallion. Wolfie paused, then smiled wide.\n\n\t“Then close your eyes!” He said, and took a golfing pose with the butterfly net.\n\n\tThe horse looked down with a grumbly face, in time to watch that net swoop up and JUST clip under his sheath, a thump and a rolling yellow parcel sliding down inside the net. Something about that seemed wrong, but he couldn’t quite say what it was.\n\n\t“What the hell was that?” He demanded, and Wolfie put his fingers to his lip.\n\n\t“It was magic. Enjoy your grapes! Oooh, is that a volley ball game?”\n\n\tIt was! The serving horse, a big ole Morgan, was just tossing the ball up in the air. \n\n\tWolfie whooped! Jumping and bouncing across the park to take part!\n\n\tThe pitch was served, the volleyball swinging through the air, and over the net. A yellow arabian jumped, returning it, and Wolfie jumped with him, a swift flick claiming his third pair. The ball bounced to the other side, and the morgan slapped it back, as Wolfie tumbled under the net and claimed another bag from the forward guard!\n\n\tIt was the best round the horse’s had ever played, the ball swinging back and forth almost as much as Wolfie’s net was, each of them feeling a brief stinging swat - probably one of their teammate’s hands! - and then being able to jump so much higher! It was like they had lost some heavy burden weighing them down!\n\n\tWolfie was sandy, dirty, and sweaty, but he was victorious! As the volleyball settled out of bounds, he held up his bulging net, which was just completely full of all those horse’s junk, and tipped his imaginary hat to the horses. “Great game, guys!”\n\n\tThe horses just sneered at him, because, well, they were horses and he was a wolf and that’s what big macho horses DID to wolves. And that was perfectly all right with Wolfie.\n\n\tHe headed back out, towards the entrance of the park, and found Bobby passed out on his hammock. It was almost too easy, you know? The horse had rolled over and his nuts were just -hanging- there underneath. Wolfie’s netting was pretty full, though, he was pretty sure he had enough, buuut....\n\n\tMaybe just one more? Sure. Yeah. Just one more. I mean, what could it harm?? \n\n\tHe did a quick shuffleboard move, and Bobby’s greasy black sack came right off... and rolled right off the top of the overfull net! Landing with a plop on the ground.\n\n\t“Oops.” Wolfie glanced around, blushing a bit. Would Charn mind if they had fallen on the ground? Five second rule!!\n\n\tHe ducked under the hammock, ignoring the dangling horse dick that kept bumping against his nose and cheeks, and scooped up the dropped snack. And then he saw something else. Tall thing strands of tubelike grass! He grabbed a handful and yanked. The horse’s dick flopped against his cheek, and he brushed it away, to study his catch.\n\n\t“OOOOH! Garlic! I needed this!” He grinned, and tucked the garlic into his side pocket, as the horse’s cock bumped against his shoulder.\n\n\t“Okay, that’s just annoying.” He took the flaccid whanger and with a bit of twisting, a bit of squeaking rubbery sounds, tied it into a poodle shape. “There, that’s -much- better.”\n\n\tAnd you know what? It was!\n\n\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\n\n\tWolfie took off his ninja robes just outside of the park, pulling out the list of ingredients. Hmmm. Heavy cream (if you know what I mean ;3), Potatoes, and bacon. WEll those were all things he could get at the market!\n\n\tHe should probably take care of all these clams first though! It wouldn’t do to be dropping raw clams all over the sidewalk and stuff, it could cause an accident or something. That would be terrible.\n\n\tWolfie shouldered past a dragon who was complaining to a hot dog vendor about the lack of saurkraut availability. It was totally unintentional, the way Wolfie accidentally hit the mustard pump, splashing yellow goo all over the dragon’s leg.\n\n\t“Hey, you bastard! This suit is worth more than your whole family!” the dragon roared, eyes going all blood shot, skin turning from green to bright orange. “I’m going to skin you alive!”\n\n\tWolfie didn’t even care though, he just hopped and bounced across the busy street, dumdedoodedum, his gray tail wagging. The dragon roared and jumped into the air, to soar across the street and land on the puny fuzzy morsel!\n\n\t“I WILL DESTROY YOOO-” GRK! \n\n\tOnly the dragon didn’t make it across the street! Because at that very second, right when he was about to grab the little gray wolf and make him a Dragon-Victim, a blue beam of light shot down from way up high in the sky, and the dragon disappeared. Aliens, travelling for millions of years, over thousands of galaxies, had finally arrived, and they needed a sample to test out all of their ancient tentacle rape machines on. The dragon was never heard from again, except in the deepest, darkest corners of FurAffinity.net, where his never-ending torment and sexual abuse was regaled in quiet .rtf whispers.\n\n-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\n\n\tBack in the apartment, Wolfie blew in, and found Charn napping on the couch. Awww. Poor guy! He looked so tired! He patpatted the feline, then went to the kitchen. Let’s see, what was the recipe again? He had the ingredients, to start... oh! A big pot of water. He hefted a pot, as big as he was, full of water, up onto the stove and turned the temperature to BOIL. \n\n\tSteam and bubbles flopped over the edge of the pot, and carefully Wolfie climbed onto the counter, hefting that big net. He went through, shucking each of the clams out of their fuzzy holster, rinsing them in some clean water, and dropping in the boiling water. \n\nHe wasn’t sure how many he had caught, but he was pretty sure it was enough, the entire pot was full by the time he was done! There was hardly any room left for water! He cleaned the butterfly net and put it back, and then put all of the loose bags that no longer had anything in them, into a piece of tupperware and put it away. All nice and tidy!\n\n\tTime to get the bacon!\n\n-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t\n\n\tThe grocery store was kind of busy when Wolfie got there, with everyone buying stuff and paying and leaving, you know, the usual things you would expect people to do in a grocery store. Wolfie hummed and hawwed, fussing about in the produce aisle. Potatoes. There were a bunch of types. He grabbed them all. Better to be safe then sorry!\n\n\tThen heavy cream. There was regular, half and half, whipping cream, soy cream, rice cream, half-soy almond milk cream, even Farfenuggen cream. What the hell was that shit? Wolfie would have none of that. He boldly elbowed the other creams aside and grabbed a quart of the HEAVY stuff. Hell yeah.\n\n\tThat was pretty much everything, except, oh yes. Bacon.\n\n\tHe walked to the butcher counter, where a big brawny lion was chewing on a drumstick. He was wearing a butcher’s apron, which meant he was probably a butcher, and he had thick arms and a big ole mane tied back in a net. He looked like an angry douchebag, like most lions, but a little more douchier than most.\n\n\t“Ummm do you have-”\n\n\t“Ha! What are you doing here, little wolf, shouldn’t you be over with the KALE and the TOFU PUPS?”\n\n\tWolfie flicked his tail - which would normally not mean anything, or very little, but in NASA, a little red light started to blink on a counter, and somewhere else, the President of the United States was ushered out of his bubble bath to a secured location.\n\n\t“I like tofu pups! They’re -gaaaaaaamey-, but this is for a friend. I need a couple slices of your very best Baaaaaa-” (lamb, obviously)\n\n\t\n\n\t“I don’t really care what you want, pupsqueak,” the lion chortled, and turned away from the wolf. “I don’t sell to -wolves-”.\n\n\t“I see.” Wolfie said, very quietly. The butcher case was full of bones, biug thick bones full of marrow and covered in meat and fat. It was all very delicious food. “So you don’t -have- any bacon?”\n\n\t“Bacon? Yeah, I got some bacon.” The lion washed his hands, then turned, leaning against the counter and scowled at the wolf. “But I ain’t got any for You.” The way he was sitting, his apron scooched up, showing that he was wearing tight work slacks underneath. A very impressively sized tube ran down one inside seam of a leg, nearly touching the lion’s knee. \n\n\t“Oh. Well, okay. I’ll just have to get my own, then!” Said Wolfie, cheerily. The lion grunted, as the wolf was suddenly on the other side of the butchery case, with his hands under the lion’s apron!\n\n\t“Hey, what the fuck are you doooooin-” He yelped, as the wolf shredded open the lion’s pants, and out flopped all that barbed fleshy greasy lion dic. Wolfie grabbed it in both hands, and ran towards the other wall, dragging the liion shouting and hollering behind him.\n\n\t“I’m getting myself some BACON!” He said, and with a hitch and a heft, flipped the lion over his shoulder, tugging him by his cock to land heavily on the big chopping board. “This should be enough!” he said, pinching the lion’s big ole cockhead.\n\n\t“What?? Wait, you’re just a little wolf!” stuttered the lion, confused and surprised at the wolf’s incredible speed and strength.\n\n\t“And this is just a little part of my ingredients list!” said the wolf, as he slickly picked up an oversized potato peeler. He pulled the lion’s cock out straight and tight, and jammed the blade against the base, and SKINNED! Pulling it up, and carving that outer layer of skin right off of the lion’s dick! A big ole curl of lion bacon skinned off, hanging from the end, and Wolfie whistled a jaunty tune, skinning up the other side too.\n\n\tThe lion awaaaaauuugghed! For it was probably painful (not that anyone cared), and some of the other customers came by to watch. \n\n\t“Hey!” said an alligator, who was far enough removed from dragon to not be a douchebag, “How much is that a pound!”\n\n\t“Sorry, all this bacon’s already claimed!” said Wolfie, as he skinned the third part of the lion’s dick, leaving only one barbed side left. The strips of skin were tucked into a plastic deli bag, all squishy and soft and stuff. “But there’s some other lions over in the cafe!”\n\n\tA stampede and lots of hissing and roaring from the cafe was heard as the other customers went to get their own lion bacon, and Wolfie finished with the ornery butcher, taking the fourth piece. “That should do me just right! Thank you Mister Lion, sir!” He dropped the ten dollar bill on the gasping, eye-crossed lion’s chest, and took his groceries and went home!\n\n\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\n\nCharn yawned. He stretched. He opened his eyes. Something smelled -good-. He sat up, finding that he had been bundled up in his sick blanket, and felt awfully warm. There was rummaging and stuff in the kitchen.\n\n\t“Wolfie, that you?” He grumbled. “I probably should have put a new door on before I passed out.” Still, he had been broken into before and it had always been a delightful treat. For him, anyways. He shuffled onto his feet and shuffled to the kitchen, peeking in to see what was happening.\n\n\tWolfie was cooking! There were pans everywhere. EVERYWHERE. There was bacon sizzling in one of them, a delightfully sharp and musky scent that made the tiger’s tongue twitch and twist. Mmm, bacon. There was Wolfie chopping up potatoes, and dropping them in on the bacon, to help soak up the grease. The was a big pot simmering, the lid rattling and tapping as the cream bubbled inside. It all smelled very good!\n\n\tCharn stole a little piece of bacon and tasted it. “Mmm. Crispy, the best way to make bacon!”\n\n\tWolfie nodded. “I got everything you wanted, boss! Potatoes, garlic, clams, bacon, and heavy cream.”\n\n\tCharn squinted. “What about the hot sauce? I put that on the list, too, didn’t I?”\n\n\t“OH! Hot Sauce! You don’t have to worry about that.” Wolfie reached behind him, and pulled out a very old and very distinguished looking bottle. “I -always- have hot sauce.” There was a little picture of a thermonuclear mushroom cloud on it, faded and blackened with heat or age.\n\n\t“Excellent. Then it looks like we are going to have a delicious meal, tonight!”\n\n\tAnd you know what? Ten minutes later, they sat down with two big bowls of Wolfie-Style Clam Chowder, and it -was- a VERY delicious meal! Charn finished his bowl, and leaned back, rubbing his belly and smiling very, very widely.\n\n\t“That has to be the best clam chowder, I’ve -ever- had, Wolfie. You’re the best helper, EVER. And there’s so much left over, so that all of our friends can come by and have some too!”\n\n\t“That’s awesome, boss! And if you run out, I’m going to make you some more, okay?”\n\n\tCharn gave his little buddy a BIG hug! “That sounds great. Thanks, Wolfie, you’re the best!”\n\n\t\t\tAnd they all lived happily ever after!\n\n\t\t\tExcept for the neutered horses and the dragon and the zebra and the lions in the cafe. They weren’t quite as happy. But that’s what you get when you FUCK with WOLFIE.\n\nThe End\n\n", "writing_bbcode_parsed": "Charn’s Little Helper

(c) Charn 2012

Charn was sitting at the window, wrapped up in his sick blanket. It was blue and plaid and comfy and warm without being stifling, and it hid the striped cat’s naked, fur-less body from those passing by on the streets below. Charn wasn’t paying attention to those people, though, whether they noticed him or not. He had his binoculars out, and he was bird-watching.

\tWell, bird watching may not be the correct term. Birds have wings and beaks and feathers and stuff. Charn was watching, ah, pre-birds. Eggs, really. Big ole eggs, sagging and wobbling and clacking around in their furry protective nests.

\tCharn couldn’t get to them, of course. They were out in the sunshine, the bright, hot sunlight that would scorch and burn the sick feline’s body. They were there, jostling and flaunting and dangling and he couldn’t so much as taste them. Charn left out the saddest sigh that any loveable psychopathic kitty ever could, and put his binoculars down. What a terrible day this was going to be!

\tThen there was a knock on the door!

\t“Boss!” There was a scrabbling at the door, and the handle turned, clicking against the lock. “Boss, I think I’m locked out!” The handle turned the other way. “Yup. Definitely locked out boss!”

\tCharn turned, to say something, and the door PAWOOMED off the hinges, exploding in a cloud of cheap tarnish and sawdust! There, in the doorway, stood a wolf. Not just any wolf though. This was WOLFIE, the badassest of all wolfie wolves. Why, just standing there, you could hear the phat bass and beat drops of his background music. Nobody knew where it came from, it was just there, and it was groovy, and it was bad ass.

\tWolfie walked through the doorway and bounded over to the poor, poor sick tiger. “Hey Boss! how are you doing? I brought you some fresh dragon broth soup!” He waggled an oversized canteen, and Charn grimaced.

\t“I hate that stuff. Anything you make from a dragon always tastes a little like pee.” He took it though, and leaned to give the bustling little dynamo a big smooch on the cheek. “I’m sure it’s very, very healthy, though.”

\t“Well if you don’t want it, I’ll get you something you -do- want!” Wolfie said, taking the thermos back. He went to the window, and unscrewed the lid, dumping the dragon broth right outside! There were screams as the boiling soup splashed on a bicycling zebra’s helmet, who veered out of the way and right into the hitch of a tow-truck! The hitch snagged right underneath his bike seat, and with a rip, punched up and into the underside of his bicycle shorts.

\t“Waaait, waaaait!” they heard faintly, as the zebra was towed off by his tackle!

\tCharn and Wolfie didn’t really pay much attention. Zebras were nice and all but they were -always- getting their junk ripped up. It was like they liked it or something.

\t“So what do you -want-, Charnparn? What would make your tummy so happy? Tacos? Cookies?”

\tWolfie bounded into the poor, poor, sick tiger’s lap, and rubbed the striped belly, and Charn rubbed the back of Wolfie’s shoulders. He hmmmed, and hawwwed, and thought, and then he thought a little bit more.

\t“Well you know....”

\t“Yes boss? What is it? What do you want?” Wolfie’s eyes gleamed with excitement.

\t“I was thinking I would love to make some clam chowder... that sounds really nourishing, doesn’t it?”

\t“Clam chowder sounds AWESOME!”

\t“Only... I’m not supposed to have seafood, because it might react with my medicine.” Charn frowned.

\tWolfie frowned too.

\tBut then Charn smiled! “However, I know a recipe that you and I can make, a recipe that tastes -just- like Clam Chowder only without using any seafood at all!”

\tWolfie ooooooh’d, fascinated, and Charn nodded, leaning in. They touched their pink noses together, conspiring. “And I know just where we can get the ingredients!”

\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-

\tFive minutes later, a three foot (and maybe some inches) tall black shadow slinked out of Charn’s place. It pressed flat to the walls. It was fluid. It was smoke. It was Ninja Wolfie. In one hand rested a crumpled up post-it note with a list of ingredients. In the other, a ten dollar bill. It was really all the spare change Charn had laying around. It would be more than enough.

\t

\tWolfie peered at the list again, eyes furrowed.

\tINGREDIENTS:

Garlic

A Dozen Clams

Three Big PIeces of Bacon

Heavy Cream

Hot Sauce

Potatoes

\tSome of these ingredients would be easier than others. Charn had told him exactly where to go to get the clams, and that would have to be the first place. He felt along his back, the leather-wrapped handle peeking from beneath his tunic. He had all of the equipment he would need. All he had to do, now? Was have some fun.

\tBack in the apartment, Charn pulled out his binoculars and went back to bird watching. Well, egg watching. He peered down at the quiet little park a block or two away, a block that a little black shadow was scurrying and sauntering towards.

\tIt was horse day, apparently, in the park. Mustangs, shires, clydesdales, belgians, and was that a Castillonais? Oh my. They were naked, lounging, talking, playing volleyball, and those warm toasty sun rays that Charn had to stay out of were gently baking, soothing, relaxing those big ole bags of balls that hung between each one’s thighs. Brown bags, black bags, grey bags, each one shifting and sliding over those trapped organs inside, those delicious little snacks that Charn had spent soooo many years capturing and claiming and stealing.

\tHe could even see the sweat dripping off of that Appaloosa’s, and... wow, these binoculars were -exceptional-. He sighed. So close, and yet so far away.

\tWolfie wasn’t far away at all, though. He was hiding in a tree, in that very same park, examining the horses that froliced and flaunted and grunted all around. There were at least three, and maybe as many as thirty. He figured it would probably be enough. He undid the black balaclava, unfolding it and putting it in his pocket, with the recipe list. He wouldn’t need that, right now. He reached behind him, unstrapping the racket from his back.

The smooth, leather wrapped handle was sturdy, the leather fresh, spongy. It squeezed nicely between his fingers. Pulling it out, he bared the business end of the tool. The netting glittered, the sharp blade hungry for meat.

\t“Be careful with this,” Charn had said, handing it over, wrapped carefully in old sheets, totally hidden. “It’s a very special tool, only for special occasions. One wrong move and you could really, really hurt someone.”

\tWolfie had taken it, foolishly, eagerly, smiling up to the big tiger. “Don’t worry, boss, I got it!”

\tAnd he did.

\tAlbert the Friesian finished his Bapst Black Ribbon, crushing the can against the trunk of a tree, and turned to face it. He was a magnificent horse, when he was sober, and drunk he wasn’t half bad either - if you minded the occasional hoof stomp on your foot or the ridiculously banal hit on lines. He turned to the tree, bracing himself, and tugged on his sheath, dropping his big ole horsey hose into his hand. He grinned, looking around, making sure to spread his legs and show off a bit as he worked his cock out of his sheath, so he could take a piss. He’d been drinking all morning - they all had - and he really needed to uncork.

\tHe didn’t hear the soft kerfluffle of the black ninja wolfie as it dropped out of the tree behind him, with his strange black tool. He didn’t notice even a little bit as the wolf turned to face him, reaching out with that strange thing that looked sort of like one of the tithing baskets from church.

\tBobby the Lippazaner noticed, sprawled out on a hammock on the next tree over. He frowned, trying to figure out what the wolf was doing. He was holding like a baseball bat, or something, only there was a hoop on the end, with a net underneath it. It looked vaguely familiar, but he couldn’t quite place where. He took another deep gulp of his Mad Dog 60/60, head tilted to the side.

\tWolfie’s pink tongue stuck out, his short fingers working over the shaft of the tool, holding it steady. That stinky horse was peeing on the tree, the yellow fluid going all over the bark. Horses were so gross. Wolfie carefully threaded the little hoop up between the horse’s thighs, his eyes furrowing. This was the hard part, the careful part. The SERIOUS part.

\tYANK!

\tAlbert grunted, his dick twitching, pausing in it’s spilling of all that cheap beer back on the ground, and he blinked. What was that? His tail switched, and he went back to peeing, unconcerned.

\tWolfie grinned! It had worked! The sharpened edge of the butterfly net had shaved those ornery horse clams right off of the bastard, and the heavy lump slid down the netting, to rest in the bottom.

\tNot that Wolfie had had any concerns about it. It was going to work, one way or another! He turned, peering around, and seeing another horse laying on a picnic blanket, eating grapes and staring up at the sky.

\tHe bounded right up! “Hi!”

\tThe short, fluffy, pudgy stallion grunted at him, eating another red grape, his fingers stained through with it. “Eh.”

\t“Wanna see something cool?” Wolfie asked, nudging the horse’s hoof away from the other one.

\t“Not really.” replied the stallion. Wolfie paused, then smiled wide.

\t“Then close your eyes!” He said, and took a golfing pose with the butterfly net.

\tThe horse looked down with a grumbly face, in time to watch that net swoop up and JUST clip under his sheath, a thump and a rolling yellow parcel sliding down inside the net. Something about that seemed wrong, but he couldn’t quite say what it was.

\t“What the hell was that?” He demanded, and Wolfie put his fingers to his lip.

\t“It was magic. Enjoy your grapes! Oooh, is that a volley ball game?”

\tIt was! The serving horse, a big ole Morgan, was just tossing the ball up in the air.

\tWolfie whooped! Jumping and bouncing across the park to take part!

\tThe pitch was served, the volleyball swinging through the air, and over the net. A yellow arabian jumped, returning it, and Wolfie jumped with him, a swift flick claiming his third pair. The ball bounced to the other side, and the morgan slapped it back, as Wolfie tumbled under the net and claimed another bag from the forward guard!

\tIt was the best round the horse’s had ever played, the ball swinging back and forth almost as much as Wolfie’s net was, each of them feeling a brief stinging swat - probably one of their teammate’s hands! - and then being able to jump so much higher! It was like they had lost some heavy burden weighing them down!

\tWolfie was sandy, dirty, and sweaty, but he was victorious! As the volleyball settled out of bounds, he held up his bulging net, which was just completely full of all those horse’s junk, and tipped his imaginary hat to the horses. “Great game, guys!”

\tThe horses just sneered at him, because, well, they were horses and he was a wolf and that’s what big macho horses DID to wolves. And that was perfectly all right with Wolfie.

\tHe headed back out, towards the entrance of the park, and found Bobby passed out on his hammock. It was almost too easy, you know? The horse had rolled over and his nuts were just -hanging- there underneath. Wolfie’s netting was pretty full, though, he was pretty sure he had enough, buuut....

\tMaybe just one more? Sure. Yeah. Just one more. I mean, what could it harm??

\tHe did a quick shuffleboard move, and Bobby’s greasy black sack came right off... and rolled right off the top of the overfull net! Landing with a plop on the ground.

\t“Oops.” Wolfie glanced around, blushing a bit. Would Charn mind if they had fallen on the ground? Five second rule!!

\tHe ducked under the hammock, ignoring the dangling horse dick that kept bumping against his nose and cheeks, and scooped up the dropped snack. And then he saw something else. Tall thing strands of tubelike grass! He grabbed a handful and yanked. The horse’s dick flopped against his cheek, and he brushed it away, to study his catch.

\t“OOOOH! Garlic! I needed this!” He grinned, and tucked the garlic into his side pocket, as the horse’s cock bumped against his shoulder.

\t“Okay, that’s just annoying.” He took the flaccid whanger and with a bit of twisting, a bit of squeaking rubbery sounds, tied it into a poodle shape. “There, that’s -much- better.”

\tAnd you know what? It was!

\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-

\tWolfie took off his ninja robes just outside of the park, pulling out the list of ingredients. Hmmm. Heavy cream (if you know what I mean ;3), Potatoes, and bacon. WEll those were all things he could get at the market!

\tHe should probably take care of all these clams first though! It wouldn’t do to be dropping raw clams all over the sidewalk and stuff, it could cause an accident or something. That would be terrible.

\tWolfie shouldered past a dragon who was complaining to a hot dog vendor about the lack of saurkraut availability. It was totally unintentional, the way Wolfie accidentally hit the mustard pump, splashing yellow goo all over the dragon’s leg.

\t“Hey, you bastard! This suit is worth more than your whole family!” the dragon roared, eyes going all blood shot, skin turning from green to bright orange. “I’m going to skin you alive!”

\tWolfie didn’t even care though, he just hopped and bounced across the busy street, dumdedoodedum, his gray tail wagging. The dragon roared and jumped into the air, to soar across the street and land on the puny fuzzy morsel!

\t“I WILL DESTROY YOOO-” GRK!

\tOnly the dragon didn’t make it across the street! Because at that very second, right when he was about to grab the little gray wolf and make him a Dragon-Victim, a blue beam of light shot down from way up high in the sky, and the dragon disappeared. Aliens, travelling for millions of years, over thousands of galaxies, had finally arrived, and they needed a sample to test out all of their ancient tentacle rape machines on. The dragon was never heard from again, except in the deepest, darkest corners of FurAffinity.net, where his never-ending torment and sexual abuse was regaled in quiet .rtf whispers.

-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-

\tBack in the apartment, Wolfie blew in, and found Charn napping on the couch. Awww. Poor guy! He looked so tired! He patpatted the feline, then went to the kitchen. Let’s see, what was the recipe again? He had the ingredients, to start... oh! A big pot of water. He hefted a pot, as big as he was, full of water, up onto the stove and turned the temperature to BOIL.

\tSteam and bubbles flopped over the edge of the pot, and carefully Wolfie climbed onto the counter, hefting that big net. He went through, shucking each of the clams out of their fuzzy holster, rinsing them in some clean water, and dropping in the boiling water.

He wasn’t sure how many he had caught, but he was pretty sure it was enough, the entire pot was full by the time he was done! There was hardly any room left for water! He cleaned the butterfly net and put it back, and then put all of the loose bags that no longer had anything in them, into a piece of tupperware and put it away. All nice and tidy!

\tTime to get the bacon!

-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t

\tThe grocery store was kind of busy when Wolfie got there, with everyone buying stuff and paying and leaving, you know, the usual things you would expect people to do in a grocery store. Wolfie hummed and hawwed, fussing about in the produce aisle. Potatoes. There were a bunch of types. He grabbed them all. Better to be safe then sorry!

\tThen heavy cream. There was regular, half and half, whipping cream, soy cream, rice cream, half-soy almond milk cream, even Farfenuggen cream. What the hell was that shit? Wolfie would have none of that. He boldly elbowed the other creams aside and grabbed a quart of the HEAVY stuff. Hell yeah.

\tThat was pretty much everything, except, oh yes. Bacon.

\tHe walked to the butcher counter, where a big brawny lion was chewing on a drumstick. He was wearing a butcher’s apron, which meant he was probably a butcher, and he had thick arms and a big ole mane tied back in a net. He looked like an angry douchebag, like most lions, but a little more douchier than most.

\t“Ummm do you have-”

\t“Ha! What are you doing here, little wolf, shouldn’t you be over with the KALE and the TOFU PUPS?”

\tWolfie flicked his tail - which would normally not mean anything, or very little, but in NASA, a little red light started to blink on a counter, and somewhere else, the President of the United States was ushered out of his bubble bath to a secured location.

\t“I like tofu pups! They’re -gaaaaaaamey-, but this is for a friend. I need a couple slices of your very best Baaaaaa-” (lamb, obviously)

\t

\t“I don’t really care what you want, pupsqueak,” the lion chortled, and turned away from the wolf. “I don’t sell to -wolves-”.

\t“I see.” Wolfie said, very quietly. The butcher case was full of bones, biug thick bones full of marrow and covered in meat and fat. It was all very delicious food. “So you don’t -have- any bacon?”

\t“Bacon? Yeah, I got some bacon.” The lion washed his hands, then turned, leaning against the counter and scowled at the wolf. “But I ain’t got any for You.” The way he was sitting, his apron scooched up, showing that he was wearing tight work slacks underneath. A very impressively sized tube ran down one inside seam of a leg, nearly touching the lion’s knee.

\t“Oh. Well, okay. I’ll just have to get my own, then!” Said Wolfie, cheerily. The lion grunted, as the wolf was suddenly on the other side of the butchery case, with his hands under the lion’s apron!

\t“Hey, what the fuck are you doooooin-” He yelped, as the wolf shredded open the lion’s pants, and out flopped all that barbed fleshy greasy lion dic. Wolfie grabbed it in both hands, and ran towards the other wall, dragging the liion shouting and hollering behind him.

\t“I’m getting myself some BACON!” He said, and with a hitch and a heft, flipped the lion over his shoulder, tugging him by his cock to land heavily on the big chopping board. “This should be enough!” he said, pinching the lion’s big ole cockhead.

\t“What?? Wait, you’re just a little wolf!” stuttered the lion, confused and surprised at the wolf’s incredible speed and strength.

\t“And this is just a little part of my ingredients list!” said the wolf, as he slickly picked up an oversized potato peeler. He pulled the lion’s cock out straight and tight, and jammed the blade against the base, and SKINNED! Pulling it up, and carving that outer layer of skin right off of the lion’s dick! A big ole curl of lion bacon skinned off, hanging from the end, and Wolfie whistled a jaunty tune, skinning up the other side too.

\tThe lion awaaaaauuugghed! For it was probably painful (not that anyone cared), and some of the other customers came by to watch.

\t“Hey!” said an alligator, who was far enough removed from dragon to not be a douchebag, “How much is that a pound!”

\t“Sorry, all this bacon’s already claimed!” said Wolfie, as he skinned the third part of the lion’s dick, leaving only one barbed side left. The strips of skin were tucked into a plastic deli bag, all squishy and soft and stuff. “But there’s some other lions over in the cafe!”

\tA stampede and lots of hissing and roaring from the cafe was heard as the other customers went to get their own lion bacon, and Wolfie finished with the ornery butcher, taking the fourth piece. “That should do me just right! Thank you Mister Lion, sir!” He dropped the ten dollar bill on the gasping, eye-crossed lion’s chest, and took his groceries and went home!

\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-\t-

Charn yawned. He stretched. He opened his eyes. Something smelled -good-. He sat up, finding that he had been bundled up in his sick blanket, and felt awfully warm. There was rummaging and stuff in the kitchen.

\t“Wolfie, that you?” He grumbled. “I probably should have put a new door on before I passed out.” Still, he had been broken into before and it had always been a delightful treat. For him, anyways. He shuffled onto his feet and shuffled to the kitchen, peeking in to see what was happening.

\tWolfie was cooking! There were pans everywhere. EVERYWHERE. There was bacon sizzling in one of them, a delightfully sharp and musky scent that made the tiger’s tongue twitch and twist. Mmm, bacon. There was Wolfie chopping up potatoes, and dropping them in on the bacon, to help soak up the grease. The was a big pot simmering, the lid rattling and tapping as the cream bubbled inside. It all smelled very good!

\tCharn stole a little piece of bacon and tasted it. “Mmm. Crispy, the best way to make bacon!”

\tWolfie nodded. “I got everything you wanted, boss! Potatoes, garlic, clams, bacon, and heavy cream.”

\tCharn squinted. “What about the hot sauce? I put that on the list, too, didn’t I?”

\t“OH! Hot Sauce! You don’t have to worry about that.” Wolfie reached behind him, and pulled out a very old and very distinguished looking bottle. “I -always- have hot sauce.” There was a little picture of a thermonuclear mushroom cloud on it, faded and blackened with heat or age.

\t“Excellent. Then it looks like we are going to have a delicious meal, tonight!”

\tAnd you know what? Ten minutes later, they sat down with two big bowls of Wolfie-Style Clam Chowder, and it -was- a VERY delicious meal! Charn finished his bowl, and leaned back, rubbing his belly and smiling very, very widely.

\t“That has to be the best clam chowder, I’ve -ever- had, Wolfie. You’re the best helper, EVER. And there’s so much left over, so that all of our friends can come by and have some too!”

\t“That’s awesome, boss! And if you run out, I’m going to make you some more, okay?”

\tCharn gave his little buddy a BIG hug! “That sounds great. Thanks, Wolfie, you’re the best!”

\t\t\tAnd they all lived happily ever after!

\t\t\tExcept for the neutered horses and the dragon and the zebra and the lions in the cafe. They weren’t quite as happy. But that’s what you get when you FUCK with WOLFIE.

The End

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