[i]That feeling you get
in the pit of your stomach 
when you’re pawing off on your bed
and you can hear him trudging up the stairs
coming down the hall
pausing outside your door
and you can see the shadows of his feet
and you wonder if he can hear the squelch of lube on your cock as you stroke
and as he hesitates for just a little too long
you finish yourself off silently
coating your paw while watching the door
your heart beating out of your chest
and he moves on 
before your musk can hit the doorway.

That feeling you get
when you’re out of the shower 
grooming in front of the mirror
and he barges in behind you
because he has to piss and it can’t wait
and he’s too lazy to go downstairs
so he pushes through the steam
straddles the bowl
and parts his robe
and you can’t see anything for sure but
you’re pretty sure you see his sheath
and definitely some skin 
and you can’t miss the stream 
and the noise it makes
so loud
so forceful
compared to your own
and you finally know why he can drive
for six hours without stopping.

That feeling you get 
at the waterpark
when you two split off from Mom and your annoying little sister
and you’re sharing the same locker because you only brought one lock
and he’s talking to you and you’re understanding
until he shoves down his white briefs
such a middle age thing 
and first you gawk at his sheath
and second you gawk at his balls
and third you notice how much you look like him down there
and fourth you turn away before he catches you
and fifth you turn all the way because you’re tingling and 
maybe boning up
you don’t know why 
and if he sees he’ll kill you
so you get your suit on 
and leave
teasing him about being a slowpoke
when you just wish it would go down before he catches up to you.

That feeling you get 
that one Saturday morning
when the girls are out shopping 
and you’re both home alone 
in your rooms
and you share a wall
and you’re gaming with headphones on
and something bumps the wall where you’re resting your head
and you take them off
only to hear soft grunting coming from the other side
in his voice
no words
just sounds
and something rhythmic
that you know well
and in ten seconds flat
you’ve got your own paw between your legs
one ear plastered to the wall
not believing what you’re hearing
but knowing it’s true
until he gives out a series of breaths
six
seven
eight 
and a heaving sigh
and your paw flies to catch up
but you’re too chickenshit to vocalize back
so you bite your wrist 
while spooging all over those headphones
he paid $300 for
and you hope it cleans off
because you’ll never be able to explain it.

That feeling you get
when you wake up in the middle of the night
thirsty
so you leave your bedroom 
and go downstairs to grab a bottle of water
and you see flickering light from the living room
and you remember the rents had a fight 
so he’s sleeping on the couch
except he’s not sleeping on the couch
he’s not sleeping at all
his right arm is moving in that unmistakable way
and you tiptoe to the back of the couch 
but his paw is down his pajama pants
working
idly 
and you’re mesmerized by the motion
because you know what’s behind that plaid
and it’s Cinemax, nothing even that hardcore
from a few years back
but it’s working for him
and his left paw shoves down
and it all pops out 
the cock
the balls 
everything
and holy shit you’re the same size
nothing special
but it’s totally special
because it’s him
and he’s exposed to you
and he has no idea
even when you push your briefs down 
to stroke in time
heart like a train
musk in your nose
your balls roiling
edging for four long minutes
until you hear him gasp 
and long lines of white paint his paw
run down his fingers
your ears ring
and you let fly
not caring where it lands
until the first shot hits the top of the couch just short of his neck
and you aim down because the second is always the biggest
and you thank your lucky stars Mom likes leather
because it’ll be easier to clean come morning
so as he puts himself away you back up
toward the stairs
taking them two at a time
not believing what you just saw
not even thirsty anymore
and you jerk it twice again with that cock burned into your memory forever.

That feeling you get
when you’re having lunch
or at the doctor’s
or washing his car
and he comes out to see how you’re doing
and you smile and make small talk
but all the while
you want to scream 
I WATCHED YOU MASTURBATE
but all you do is smile
because if nothing happens ever again
you have that one memory
but you hope it happens again
because
because 
because 
you don’t know.

That feeling you get
when you’re pawing off in your bedroom
and you forgot to lock the door
and for some reason he barges in instead of knocking
and you’re on display 
six inches out
and his eyes get wide
and he apologizes 
and your first instinct is to hide yourself
but for some reason you don’t
and it’s awkward at first
and then it’s just hot
because he’s not objecting
just staring
between your face and your dick
and he forces himself to keep your eyes 
and states his business 
and all the while you’re still hard
and you respond to his questions
and you even start up again
real slow
but just enough so that he knows
and he apologizes again 
tells you to be more careful
for your mother’s sake
closes the door
right before you shoot yourself in the fucking eye
and it burns
but it was so worth it.

That feeling you get
when you mentally smack yourself
because you forgot to check out his pants for a bulge.

That feeling you get 
in the middle of the night
when you’re almost done gaming
and you want one more Mountain Dew
so you go downstairs
in just your white briefs
because who the hell cares at 2am
and you’re all the way to the fridge before you realize
he’s there
in the living room
no TV
just asleep 
and you set the soda on the counter
adjust your already-full sheath
and pad over to the La-Z-Boy
where he sits fully reclined
in the same briefs
same brand
one size bigger
and an oversize t-shirt
with three distinct bulges between his legs
and you’re so uncomfortable so you skin back your sheath
and dress left
like it matters
because if he wakes up 
he’s gonna see it no matter what.

That feeling you get
when you know you should know better
but you can’t help it
it’s right 
fucking 
there
the thing you’ve been thinking of for about ever
soft
unbothered
teasing you
but that’s your heart putting words in your brain
the heart that jumps and flutters around your chest
making you more nauseous the closer your paw gets 
and you know this could be the end
but you don’t care
but you do
but you tell yourself that as your fingers find soft warmth and squeeze.

That feeling you get when he wakes up.

That feeling you get
when he looks down at your paw
and up at your eyes
and down
and up
and you wonder if his mind is going a million miles a second
just like yours is
and you know he knows
and you know he sees
your erection
smells it
how could he not
and you stand your ground
scared shitless
but you squeeze again
just barely
and his face betrays nothing
and you see what you’re going to look like in thirty years
and it’s not that bad
and he starts to fill out in your grasp 
because he’s a warm-blooded male
or maybe it’s you
you can’t tell
because he’s not speaking
just swelling
and through the cotton he’s pushing out of his sheath
just barely 
and your fingertip is wet suddenly
and in the most neutral voice he can muster
says that you should go to bed
and you’re relieved 
because you’re not blatantly in trouble
and that’s got to count for something
doesn’t it. 

Doesn’t it?

That feeling you get when you wake up the next morning
not knowing
simply not knowing.

That feeling you get
when you spend the next week 
wondering why he won’t talk to you about it
why he won’t bring it up
and everything seems normal
seems
but the tension is there
not sexual tension
but tension tension
and it’s killing you 
softly
and all you want to do is ask him what he’s thinking
but you’re afraid of what he might say
but he hasn’t rejected you
so there’s that
and Mom doesn’t know
because you’d know if she knew
and you wonder if you can go the rest of your life
never knowing
and you don’t even know that.

That feeling you get
three weeks later
when you wake up
and it’s 2am again 
because your clock is right next to your pillow
but you’re not alone
you can sense it 
but you haven’t moved
so you stare into the dark 
and wait
and eventually you hear paws on the carpet
and you smell his scent before he even rounds the corner of the bed
and you feel the displacement of air
as he faces you and stops
standing
wearing only those briefs
you know
because they’re so bright compared to his fur
pushed down under his belly while you wear yours up and over
and he’s as hard as he can be 
without busting out of the sheath
and there are questions you want to ask
but they would ruin the moment
ruin whatever this moment is
if it’s even a moment at all
and you can’t see his face
it’s shielded by darkness
so you concentrate below
turn onto your side
and reach out for whatever you can get.

That feeling you get when you pull down his undies.

That feeling you get
when the cloud of musk hits you full on
right in the snout
two inches of pink 
(you know it’s pink because you’re pink)
escaped already
and your side is getting sore
so you move to sit on the edge of the bed
and he backs up to let you
no words
no sounds
and comes back in close to meet your ready paws
you try to look up again
but he gently pushes on your muzzle
and you know you’re not meant to
not tonight
so you cup his sac in one paw
and grip his sheath with the other
they’re so big
so warm 
so alive
and now he grunts
just enough so you can hear
and before you can get two strokes off
he grasps your shoulder
claws digging
drawing blood
trembling
and suddenly everything is sticky and hot
and the scent overwhelming
you gasp
and it’s all over
and he steps away
pulls his underwear off
and walks out.

That feeling you get
one minute later
when you use his cum as lube
wear his whities like a hat
and sniff the front like a line of fine cocaine
as you make your own puddles on your chest.

That feeling you get
when for the next week
he doesn’t even acknowledge that anything’s happened
and the only thing more maddening
is not knowing if it’ll ever happen again.

That feeling you get the next night when he sidles around the door
without bothering to keep quiet
locks it 
climbs onto the bed
already naked
straddles your chest
paws pressed against the wall
and waits for your move
and there’s only a thin sheet 
keeping your sheath from his tailhole
because you sleep naked now
because you’ve been hoping
and he’s closer than ever
and the only logical thing you can think to do 
is stick your tongue out and lick his balls
hot and silky
so heavy
so full
and as if reading your mind
whispers, “Not since last time”
a paw on your head
not guiding
just there
stroking the tip of one ear
and you can’t take it anymore
so you take a cheek in each paw
and engulf him
pushing his sheath down with your lips
past the shaft
past the knot
flavor flooding your tongue
wondering if he knows this is your first time
and once your teeth are covered
you zone out
and your whole world is the cock between your lips
and when your neck gets sore 
he holds you still 
paw on your neck 
and gently fucks your throat
and you never gag
you’re so proud of yourself
you can’t even wrap your brain around what’s happening
like all your hopes and dreams wrapped up in this one night
and why is he doing this
why won’t he talk about it
but he’s never been the talking type
so he bumps his knot against your fangs
growls from somewhere deep down inside
the warning never comes
your throat is just suddenly full
and you’re swallowing
and swallowing
it’s not that bad 
but it’s enough to keep you busy
and how can he stay so silent
is he hot for you
is he just mad
but when he pulls off
and you taste him
ambrosia
he dismounts 
saunters into your bathroom
that echo of piss again
and when he’s about to leave
you call his name to his shadow
and he tells you to go to bed
so you do
but not before taking care of yourself
and this time
you keep your wrist away
and don’t hold back.

That feeling you get
when the days go by
one
two
three
and you can’t concentrate at school
and your grades are starting to slip
and you wonder what you’ll say when he brings up your report card
you can try to blame it on him
but it won’t work
and you try to figure out what to do
and you have no answer
because he’s harder to read than ever
and you thought the sex was supposed to bring you closer
and you wonder if you’ve created a monster.

That feeling you get
when your mom announces a trip to your ailing aunt
and she’s taking your sister
and the look he gives you at breakfast
those eyes
make you feel like prey.

That feeling you get
after they’ve left
and you’ve tucked yourself in 
but you can’t go to sleep
because you can’t get his eyes out of your mind
and as soon as Mom’s car leaves
he’s on the stairs
up the stairs
in your door so fast you yelp
on the bed
on top of you
naked
when did he have time to get naked
belly to belly
bulge to bulge
nose to nose
remnants of dessert on his breath
banana pudding
and vanilla wafers
and in the low light the nightshine in his eyes
casts fear into your heart
and as he pins your wrists to the bed
he says, “This is all your fault.”

That feeling you get when he shoves his tongue against yours.

That feeling you get 
when all you can do is lay there
and be molested
enjoying every precious second
because each could be the last
before he comes to his senses
but he’s still kissing you
breathing out his nose
hard
snot on your cheek ruff
pre on your sheets
on your sheath
and he finally pulls off
and away
tears the bedding down
rolls you onto your belly 
like you’re resisting
rumbles, “You brought this on yourself”
and proceeds to eat you out.

That feeling you get
that no words could ever hope to describe.

That feeling you get
when you’re trying to form words
but all that comes out is sounds
deep 
guttural
uninhibited
and he matches you volume for volume
and you had no idea your butt could feel so good
just like the stories
just like the videos
he has to be a foot inside there
his thumbs spreading you wide
your fur matted
slick
and he lets up with one last spit
right on that hole
and he’s pinning you down
and you feel its heat
and thickness
prodding at you
and you hope you can take it
and then you do take it
whether you like it or not
and you do
you like it a hell of a lot
the pain is beautiful
and at least he makes sure you’re comfortable 
before he starts plowing
but after that there’s no restraint
and your entire world is that connection
that spreading 
those nerves
the man who made you
proving his virility once again
taking out his frustrations
showing he cares the only way he knows how
and you manage to wrest a paw free
to shove down 
and feel the place where your flesh meets his
and feel the motion
and feel the stretching
and feel his knot start to swell
and feel each and every shot of seed as he bellows
“God DAMMIT why, son?”
sixteen
sixteen shots
the bed soaked beneath you
you never touched yourself
and he collapses 
like a house of cards
and all you can do is breathe
and stare into space
thinking you must be dreaming
but then he begins snoring 
and you know you’re not
and it lulls you to sleep
but the dreams never come.

That feeling you get
when you wake up 
in the not-light just before daybreak
and he’s spooning you
asleep
one strong arm around your chest
his sheath nestled between your buttocks
and you never want to leave.

That feeling you get
when you wake up
on your back
your cock surrounded by heat 
and you look down
to see him nursing on your hardon
clumsily 
and you tell him he doesn’t have to
and he says thank you
because he doesn’t know if he can
and you understand
because even if he can’t
you can
and as you crawl between his legs
looking up over his belly 
at his face 
with his cock just below your lips
you meet his gaze
and go down
oh so slowly
buried in his scent
because nothing says, “I love you”
like sucking the seed out of your sire.

That feeling you get
whenever he gives you that look
passing in the hall
playing footsie under the dinner table
watching the game
changing the spark plugs
when you know tonight’s going to be
one of those nights 
and he still hasn’t been able to talk about it
about what’s really in his head
but you figure
if you give him enough time
he’ll come around
and one night
while you’re still tied
he’ll share with you
why he decided to take the chance
what made up his mind
what it was you did
or if it was all him
but it really doesn’t make a difference
because you’re here
and he’s here
and that’s all that matters.

That’s the kind of feeling you get.[/i]