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Keep your funny bone handy.", "description_bbcode_parsed": "The tables get turned - but you need to read to find out how. Keep your funny bone handy.", "writing": "Devil’s Coins\n\nby\n\nVixyy Fox\n\nThe Devil clinked the pile of silver in his paw, making it almost rattle. To his hearing, each coin had its very own sound; though together they made a rather long chittering chinking sound. Taking one out of the stack, he looked at it, taking time to rub it between two fingers.\n\n“Whatcha doing mister?” asked a small voice beside him.\n\n“Counting my coins,” he replied without looking. “I’ve got thirty beautiful pieces here, and I just love to count them.”\n\n“Why?”\n\n“Because that’s what I do,” he replied, “Now go away; I’ve got fish to catch.”\n\nThe child looked up and down the dusty dirt street which was quite empty. “What fish?”\n\nThis struck him as odd, because he had been led to believe there was a vibrant community here with a thriving saloon where gambling was a given. The street was lined with the elevated board sidewalks so common in the small towns of the old west, but so far as he saw, there was no one out walking on them. \n\nThis particular town was established out in the middle of nowhere from almost nothing; beginning as a trading post. Everything about it seemed to be in place except for its occupants. There was the General Store, the Hotel, the Black Smith shop, a few scattered houses and some mud huts. A small church anchored one end (He would avoid that.) and a one room school house anchored the other. (He would later pay the ‘schoolmarm’ a visit.)\n\n“How ya gonna catch fish?” the child asked, ignoring his instructions to skedaddle.\n\n“With this here assortment of lures,” he replied, clinking his coins loudly. “People have a soft spot for such things.”\n\n“What things?”\n\nHolding up a coin he’d taken out of the stack, his personal favorite, the Devil told her, “ My pieces of silver,” he told her. “This one, for instance, is called greed. All a person has to do is put it in their pocket, and they immediately have to have more. It’s not enough that they have all they need to be happy, they just can’t help the need to ‘obtain’; and they will do anything to collect all they can.” \n\nHe gave the child a sidewise glance and found a fetching little German Shepherd dressed in her Sunday best, complete with a sun bonnet. “Where are your parents?” he asked her, surprised she was out on her own.\n\n“I don’t knowwwwww…” she replied.\n\n“And this doesn’t bother you?”\n\n“No. You’re here, and you’re a nice person… though you’re a Wolf.”\n\nThe Devil felt the hair on the back of his neck rise up a small bit. “And what do you mean by that?” he asked her.\n\n“Nothingggggg. What other coins ya got?”\n\nHe held up a second coin, watching her carefully. “This one is called ‘lust’.”\n\n“What’s it do?”\n\n“The person who holds it has…” He looked at her, and decided to keep it clean just for her sake. She was, after all, cute as a button. “Let’s just say they have desires over and beyond what they should have normally.”\n\n“Like a cookie?”\n\nThe Wolf thought about this for a moment. “I’m not sure, can you explain that one to me?”\n\n“Mama makes cookies and then puts them in the cookie jar… but if you ever eat one, you never can stop thinking ‘bout how good they are… ya know what I mean?”\n\n“Precisely,” the Devil told her with a smile, “And so you just have to sneak into the cookie jar and take another.”\n\n“Don’t let Mama catch you none, cuz she’ll whup you a good one.”\n\n“And what about your father?”\n\n“Don’t got a father.”\n\nThe Wolf’s jaw dropped open a bit. “You don’t say… and why would that be?”\n\nThe child shrugged her shoulders. “Mama says she used him up.” \n\nSmiling, she dug into the bodice of her little dress, her actions totally innocent in the ways of a babe. The Devil smiled as he peered down at her little nonexistent bosom. “I got a coin too,” she told him, pulling out a largish wooden nickel. “I’ll give it to you if you want, cuz I like you.”\n\nThe Wolf placed a paw upon his chest. “I am so very flattered. You would do that for me?”\n\nShe nodded her head. “I like you… you’re a nice person for a Wolf, and you smell good.”\n\n“For a Wolf,” he repeated, feeling the fur on the nape of his neck tingling again. Reaching down, he took the wooden nickel from her, accepting the gift graciously. Standing again, he looked at his gift with an exaggerated smile. The smile froze on his face as he examined the large wooden disk. On one side of the coin the word ‘Papa’ was burned onto its face in a child’s scrawl. Turning it over, he saw the word ‘Husband’ neatly carved into the wood by a different paw.\n\n“Now I gots a father!” the little girl told him gleefully, hopping up and down.\n\n“Wait just a moment,” the Wolf began, but was cut off by the fiercest growl he had ever heard in all of eternity.\n\n“SATAN! I BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU… HUSBAND MINE!”\n\nTurning to the voice, the Wolf unconsciously wet himself upon seeing the visage not more than three steps behind him. As his back foot made to step off the raised sidewalk in preparation for a dash to freedom, the huge German Shepherd strode forward and grabbed him by the ear.\n\n“Oh no you don’t! You’ve got work to be done, start’n with the fields. Ain’t nothing going to grow if’n you don’t get out there and dig up the dirt.”\n\n“Madam… please… there seems to be some mistake.”\n\nShe pressed her huge face to his, looking him directly in the eye. “Ain’t no mistake. You accepted the coin.”\n\n“But…” He held up his fistful of silver. “Perhaps we could negotiate?”\n\nThe Bitch slapped the coins from his paw. “Those things won’t feed ya… they won’t dig your fields nor chop your wood… and they sure as hell won’t diddle ya none after the young’n’s asleep.”\n\n“Ah Ma… can’t I watch?”\n\n“NO!” the Wolf and the German Shepherd said in the same breath as they both turned to look at the child.\n\nMa Shep smiled and pulled him into an unwanted hug, her huge canines tinged green and her breath smelling like garlic. “Wellllll… it would seem we have struck common ground after all. Dig, chop, and diddle… and that’s just the beginning. Welcome to Heaven Mr. Satan.”\n\n“Madam,” he barely managed, trying his best to sally from a bad situation. “I hardly think this is Heaven.”\n\nThat was when he saw the town’s sign post: ‘Welcome to Heaven – population two.’\n\nThe huge Shepherd nodded to her daughter. “Go make it official, girl, before I let go of him. No sense giving him a chance to get away.”\n\nThe cute little girl skipped her way over to the sign, and with a charcoal stick, crossed out the ‘two’ and replaced it with a child’s scrawled ‘3’.\n\nThe unfortunate Devil then found himself being dragged off by the ear, his new mate growling something about starting with the diddle… \n\n“Cuz you can plow the fields any time, but ya gotta plow your wife when she says ya gotta… or else.”\n\nend\n\n", "writing_bbcode_parsed": "Devil’s Coins

by

Vixyy Fox

The Devil clinked the pile of silver in his paw, making it almost rattle. To his hearing, each coin had its very own sound; though together they made a rather long chittering chinking sound. Taking one out of the stack, he looked at it, taking time to rub it between two fingers.

“Whatcha doing mister?” asked a small voice beside him.

“Counting my coins,” he replied without looking. “I’ve got thirty beautiful pieces here, and I just love to count them.”

“Why?”

“Because that’s what I do,” he replied, “Now go away; I’ve got fish to catch.”

The child looked up and down the dusty dirt street which was quite empty. “What fish?”

This struck him as odd, because he had been led to believe there was a vibrant community here with a thriving saloon where gambling was a given. The street was lined with the elevated board sidewalks so common in the small towns of the old west, but so far as he saw, there was no one out walking on them.

This particular town was established out in the middle of nowhere from almost nothing; beginning as a trading post. Everything about it seemed to be in place except for its occupants. There was the General Store, the Hotel, the Black Smith shop, a few scattered houses and some mud huts. A small church anchored one end (He would avoid that.) and a one room school house anchored the other. (He would later pay the ‘schoolmarm’ a visit.)

“How ya gonna catch fish?” the child asked, ignoring his instructions to skedaddle.

“With this here assortment of lures,” he replied, clinking his coins loudly. “People have a soft spot for such things.”

“What things?”

Holding up a coin he’d taken out of the stack, his personal favorite, the Devil told her, “ My pieces of silver,” he told her. “This one, for instance, is called greed. All a person has to do is put it in their pocket, and they immediately have to have more. It’s not enough that they have all they need to be happy, they just can’t help the need to ‘obtain’; and they will do anything to collect all they can.”

He gave the child a sidewise glance and found a fetching little German Shepherd dressed in her Sunday best, complete with a sun bonnet. “Where are your parents?” he asked her, surprised she was out on her own.

“I don’t knowwwwww…” she replied.

“And this doesn’t bother you?”

“No. You’re here, and you’re a nice person… though you’re a Wolf.”

The Devil felt the hair on the back of his neck rise up a small bit. “And what do you mean by that?” he asked her.

“Nothingggggg. What other coins ya got?”

He held up a second coin, watching her carefully. “This one is called ‘lust’.”

“What’s it do?”

“The person who holds it has…” He looked at her, and decided to keep it clean just for her sake. She was, after all, cute as a button. “Let’s just say they have desires over and beyond what they should have normally.”

“Like a cookie?”

The Wolf thought about this for a moment. “I’m not sure, can you explain that one to me?”

“Mama makes cookies and then puts them in the cookie jar… but if you ever eat one, you never can stop thinking ‘bout how good they are… ya know what I mean?”

“Precisely,” the Devil told her with a smile, “And so you just have to sneak into the cookie jar and take another.”

“Don’t let Mama catch you none, cuz she’ll whup you a good one.”

“And what about your father?”

“Don’t got a father.”

The Wolf’s jaw dropped open a bit. “You don’t say… and why would that be?”

The child shrugged her shoulders. “Mama says she used him up.”

Smiling, she dug into the bodice of her little dress, her actions totally innocent in the ways of a babe. The Devil smiled as he peered down at her little nonexistent bosom. “I got a coin too,” she told him, pulling out a largish wooden nickel. “I’ll give it to you if you want, cuz I like you.”

The Wolf placed a paw upon his chest. “I am so very flattered. You would do that for me?”

She nodded her head. “I like you… you’re a nice person for a Wolf, and you smell good.”

“For a Wolf,” he repeated, feeling the fur on the nape of his neck tingling again. Reaching down, he took the wooden nickel from her, accepting the gift graciously. Standing again, he looked at his gift with an exaggerated smile. The smile froze on his face as he examined the large wooden disk. On one side of the coin the word ‘Papa’ was burned onto its face in a child’s scrawl. Turning it over, he saw the word ‘Husband’ neatly carved into the wood by a different paw.

“Now I gots a father!” the little girl told him gleefully, hopping up and down.

“Wait just a moment,” the Wolf began, but was cut off by the fiercest growl he had ever heard in all of eternity.

“SATAN! I BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU… HUSBAND MINE!”

Turning to the voice, the Wolf unconsciously wet himself upon seeing the visage not more than three steps behind him. As his back foot made to step off the raised sidewalk in preparation for a dash to freedom, the huge German Shepherd strode forward and grabbed him by the ear.

“Oh no you don’t! You’ve got work to be done, start’n with the fields. Ain’t nothing going to grow if’n you don’t get out there and dig up the dirt.”

“Madam… please… there seems to be some mistake.”

She pressed her huge face to his, looking him directly in the eye. “Ain’t no mistake. You accepted the coin.”

“But…” He held up his fistful of silver. “Perhaps we could negotiate?”

The Bitch slapped the coins from his paw. “Those things won’t feed ya… they won’t dig your fields nor chop your wood… and they sure as hell won’t diddle ya none after the young’n’s asleep.”

“Ah Ma… can’t I watch?”

“NO!” the Wolf and the German Shepherd said in the same breath as they both turned to look at the child.

Ma Shep smiled and pulled him into an unwanted hug, her huge canines tinged green and her breath smelling like garlic. “Wellllll… it would seem we have struck common ground after all. Dig, chop, and diddle… and that’s just the beginning. Welcome to Heaven Mr. Satan.”

“Madam,” he barely managed, trying his best to sally from a bad situation. “I hardly think this is Heaven.”

That was when he saw the town’s sign post: ‘Welcome to Heaven – population two.’

The huge Shepherd nodded to her daughter. “Go make it official, girl, before I let go of him. No sense giving him a chance to get away.”

The cute little girl skipped her way over to the sign, and with a charcoal stick, crossed out the ‘two’ and replaced it with a child’s scrawled ‘3’.

The unfortunate Devil then found himself being dragged off by the ear, his new mate growling something about starting with the diddle…

“Cuz you can plow the fields any time, but ya gotta plow your wife when she says ya gotta… or else.”

end

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