It is a gray, rainy day in spring. In the confines of Tik Tik’s Tower, the kobold wizard is deep in study over a collection of tomes she had recently acquired. Her pen furiously scratches along the page of a new manuscript detailing herbalistic remedies and aphrodisiacs when green slime emerges from the cracks of her floor.
Eshere congeals and reveals herself, placing hands upon the desk and leaning in over her mistress’s works. “Miss Tik,” the slime girl says. “You have a visitor.”
“Do they have an appointment?” The wizard asks, keeping her head low, her finger running over the page of a particularly steamy paragraph.
“No, but she insists that you allow her in, as she cannot enter otherwise.”
Tik Tik lifts her head, quirking a brow ridge. “Hm… curious. Let me see…” she puts her pen into its inkwell and fetches her cloak. She pushes her chair back, and the floor behind her falls into a spiraling ramp. The kobold spins as she goes flight after flight, eventually rolling along the smooth stone floor of the front entryway.
Cynwrig, her guardian beetle, stands in front of the doorway, his four arms crossed over his chest. “Don’t worry. I’ll protect you!”
“No need, no need.” Tik Tik says in the language common to most speakers. “Not many boldly approach a wizard’s tower.” She says, stepping up to the large stone entryway. She claps her hands together, closing her eyes in concentration. When she opens them, they glow with magical might.
The stone doors spring apart, grinding against the ground as they slide into the wall, revealing the landscape beyond.
On this rainy, cloudy afternoon, a figure cloaked in a  hooded traveler’s cloak, white fur, and a pink nose underneath is holding a black umbrella that shades her.
“BNUUUY!” Tik Tik squeals, clapping her hands on her cheeks. “Welcome, welcome!”
The cloaked rabbit girl looked from under her hood, her red eyes practically glowing. “I come to see Tik Tik,” she says in a nearly monotone voice in the dragon’s tongue. “You are she?”
Tik Tik tilts her head but smiles, nodding. “Yep, yep. I’m Tik Tik, kobold wizard extraordinaire! What brings you here, miss?”
“I have some business with you,” the rabbit says, still in that flat voice. “May I come in?”
“Oh, of course, of course! Get out of the rain, let Cynwrig take your coat. Eshere, get us some coffee. Are you here to commission me for some magical work?”
The rabbit steps a fuzzy paw into the threshold, letting out a breath, the first she had let during the entire conversation. She folds her umbrella and removes her cloak, revealing that underneath, the white-furred creature wears a well-pressed suit tailored perfectly to her body. Her ears are pinned back with a hair clip and made to be a ponytail. Under one arm, she carries a file bag.
“My, don’t you look sharp.” Tik Tik says.
The rabbit says nothing.
Tik Tik licks her lips, her eyes darting back and forth.
“So, how about coffee?” she asks, her tail swishing back and forth in quick, jerky movements.
“No, thank you,” says the rabbit, looking down at Tik Tik. As she speaks, the sharpness of her teeth becomes apparent.
“Ah?”
“I’m Miss Harrison, and I’m here on some critical business,” the rabbit responds, placing a paw inside her bag.
“Oh, yes?” Tik Tik asks, finally happy to see Eshere returning with a cup of the good stuff. The kobold sips it, her hand jittering.
The rabbit hands Tik Tik a piece of paper. Cynwrig watches her with his fists clenching, cracking his knuckles.
Tik Tik reads through the paper with great haste, speeding up as each line passes. She then pauses when she reaches the end and looks at the rabbit.
Miss Harrison stands tall and alert, watching Tik Tik with an inscrutable gaze.
“Uh…” Tik Tik begins to say, then she scratches her chin, looking at Eshere and then at Cynwrig. “I don’t understand.”
“It’s all there in the paper,” Miss Harrison offers. “Written in the dragon’s speech, which should provide the most specific and clear directions.”
“Should I throw her out, miss?” Cynwrig asks, stomping his foot.
Tik Tik holds out her hand, shaking her head. “No, no, that not necessary. Tik Tik just no know what call this word. Never see it and never know in common tongue.”
Eshere scoots up behind Tik Tik, leaning in and reading over the note. Miss Harrison keeps her calm and silent demeanor the entire time.
Eshere frowns, looking at the rabbit and then looking to Tik Tik.
“Uh, I think I know what this is,” says the slime girl. “Boss, you really don’t?”
Tik Tik blinks, tilting her head, chirping with a curious and almost innocent excitement.
The rabbit’s eyes glow a brighter red, and she parts her lips; when she does, she reveals the sharp incisors in her ghastly smile. “Tik Tik the Kobold Wizard, I am here on behalf of the Treasury of Blogondia to tell you you are being audited.”
“That sounds bad,” Tik Tik says, leaning towards Eshere. “What does it mean?”
Eshere grabs her boss, shaking her by the shoulders. “Please, Miss Tik, tell me you’ve been doing your taxes!”
Tik Tik blinks, frowns, and finally, she replies, “what are taxes?”


Tik Tik sits at her study, her hands folded and her back straight. Miss. Harrison emerges from the darkness behind her, placing her soft paws upon the kobold’s shoulders. “Congratulations, Miss Tik Tik. I’ve thoroughly reviewed your materials and determined a simple truth: You are not some malicious tax evader.”
Tik Tik beams at this, fluttering her eyes and leaning to smirk at her guest.
Miss Harrison stands up, hands behind her back and hopping past the kobold. “Instead, you are a simple-minded girl who knows nothing of the order of things.”
Tik Tik growls. “You trying insult Tik Tik?”
Miss Harrison turns the corner of a crimson eye towards Tik Tik, her frown not changing as she examines the kobold. “I am going to educate you. Now, if you would look to these notes.”
Squeaky wheels herald the arrival of a chalkboard pushed by the slimy form of Eshere.
“Eshere, you work for her?” Tik Tik whimpered.
“Oh, no, Miss Tik. I’m just helping out. Miss Harrison told me everything already.”
“It was a simple matter with her,” says the rabbit, grabbing a piece of chalk from the board and tapping the block against the green surface. “If only educating others would be so direct.”
Tik Tik bounces. “Tell Tik Tik about how you swap knowledge!” she says, knowing her slime’s sexy means of scholarly activities.
“Unfortunately, I’m a busy woman,” says Miss Harrison, scrawling away at the board, “We haven’t the time, nor you the funds, for me to waste it on such frivolities.”
“Funds?”
Miss Harrison spins around, tapping the board again. “Focus, Tik Tik. This is important. First: you should know that we live in a society.”
“Tik Tik know that.”
“Yes, but do you truly understand?”
“Huh?”
“Simply put, when you enter society, you enter what is known as a social contract. This social contract is an expected set of rules that all members of a society must submit to if they are to live and benefit from what the society provides.”
“Uh, huh…”
And the backbone of any society is the body that determines the rules and the maintenance and regulation of running things. In something as simple as a kobold warren, you’ve certainly had your own hierarchy of who was in charge of what.”
“Oh yes!” Tik Tik chirps. “Each kobold belonged to a team, and each team worked on different things to help the whole tribe. Tik Tik was trap maker and worked under master Tikit. Master Tikit and other masters worked for the queen.”
“Very good, so we’ve established that so far. So, your queen probably oversaw your people's governance for the betterment of their development and their protection. She gave the orders to the various masters, and the masters gave orders to their subordinates to accomplish tasks.”
“Yes, yes! Breeders make more kobolds. Trapmakers defend from outsiders. Guards defend from things below, miners expanded territory, and farmers prepared food.”
“Just so, and you were part of this system, and you benefitted from that system, yes? Those traps you made protected others so they could dig, breed, farm, and guard.”
Tik Tik scribbles down notes. “And other society do similar things, yes? Make sense, make sense? But why scary bunny lady come in and tell Tik Tik she need money?”
“Obviously, your system of government was different than the one you find up here in the world above. While you were much more self-sufficient, the world above comprises multiple countries and societies. Unlike the masters of your system, the leaders do not have one leader above them to give orders. So, they do not often work together; instead, they allow each other to exist in the same world most of the time.”
“Uh, huh…” Tik Tik says, scratching her nose. “So, this tax thing is…?”
Miss Harrison approaches Tik Tik’s desk, her paws pressed upon the wood, leaning in and giving Tik Tik a nice view of her tightly bound chest under her high-necked suit. “Your queen needed various resources to run her kingdom. She needed food and supplies to give out to other members of your tribe so that they may do their work. The people of your tribe gave each other their supplies so they may do what was necessary.”
“Yeah.”
“A society as advanced as the aboveground has much more things to work towards—education, art, infrastructure, and military operations. These all require resources to operate.”
“So, people give their stuff to each other to help out. Happy friends, happy giving.”
“If only,” the rabbit says, standing up. She shakes her head. “But there are those who are unhappy with giving what they are required to be a part of society, and it is up to people like me to make sure that they do.”
“This sound like protection racket,” says Tik Tik. “You trying strong-arm Tik Tik.”
“Oh, I assure you, I’m not doing anything of the sort. I am making sure you give me what is due.”
“And what is due?”
“That, I haven’t counted quite yet,” the rabbit admits. “But in an abstract sense, what you owe is a percentage of what you earn from your business. This percentage will go to the government so that it will be able to fund all sorts of programs for the betterment of society. New schools and new roads and food for the hungry, and research into new magical applications will abound, but only if people in society give the money they require.”
“Oh, I see,” Tik Tik says. “But Tik Tik like her money.”
“Many do,” says Miss Harrison, “but don’t worry. Depending on what it is you did give already and the work you’ve done for society throughout the year, you can actually receive money back from the treasury. You just need to tell us all that you did.”
And upon hearing that, Tik TIk was well on board to learn!


Eshere [a]slurps her way through the corridors of Tik Tik’s tower. In the pseudopods of the slime girl is a bound book, thick and tall, and as she carries it, her form wiggles and jiggles, and her face is scrunched from it all. Soon, she arrives at the desk in Tik Tik’s study and slams the book down onto it, causing the whole piece of furniture to shake.
“That’s thick,” says Tik Tik, scratching her chin with her pen.
“You need to keep a log of every piece of currency you make, as well as calculate the worth of all other forms of payment,” says Miss Harrison, sitting on a stool by one of Tik Tik’s bookshelves. She closes the book she was reading and slides it back into place, hopping to her feet.
“Now, how long have you had a residence here?”
Tik Tik blinks and looks around. “This tower? Been a few months, yes.”
“That simplifies things because our detailed record keepers want to ensure you report every year’s income when you live in the country.”
“What exactly count as live in,” Tik Tik says. “There was time when Tik Tik bounced around different inns and paid for rooms in favors to travelers.” She sighs, pressing her hand to her cheek. “Oh, swarthy and tired adventurers make for fun fun fuck fucks.”
Miss Harrison tuts her, waving a finger. “Well, if you’ve rendered services in exchange for benefits, you’ll have to note the approximate value of those services.
“When Tik Tik turn tricks for food and board, too?”
The rabbit nods.
“If I may,” offers Eshere, “I’ve memorized many of your exploits.” She pulls open a drawer and produces an abacus, flicking through it multiple times with long and tentacular protrusions from her hand.
While Eshere counts, Tik Tik turns to Miss Harrison. “That all happen when Tik Tik didn’t have home, though.”
Eshere pauses. “You blew that goat man for a sandwich.”
“Oh yeah. Was perfect sandwich,” Tik Tik says, giggling.
“And there’s the time you had to ratify the trade agreement with the Duneswalkers.
“That was religious ceremony,” Tik Tik says. “No part of trade, right? But can make money off that?”
Miss Harrison shakes her head. “Religious activities are exempt and contribute to society in other ways.”
“Hardly seems fair,” Tik Tik grumbles.
Eshere pinches the pen from Tik Tik and scribbles down a number, handing it over to the rabbit.
“Oh yes, this is quite substantial. You owe us quite a lot, Tik Tik.”
Tik Tik narrows her eyes toward Miss Harrison. “How much?”
Miss Harrison produces her own blood-red pen. She licks the tip and then scratches some numbers down. “Well, we’ve only just looked at your income, but there are many other things we need to look at. Our societal system is quite benevolent regarding giving reprieve for good work.”
Tik Tik tilts her head. “What mean?”
“Well, for instance, if you are married and file jointly and have dependents, there are deductions to the price you owe that we can make. Are you married, Tik Tik?”
Tik Tik opens her mouth and holds up a finger, but then she scratches her chin. “Hm, wait, no that not count. But maybe… ah, no, not that either.”
“How many possible marriages do you have?” Eshere asks, frowning.
“Tik Tik think maybe married to her job.”
“That actually doesn’t count.” Miss Harrison says. “How many dependents do you have?”
“Lots people depend on Tik Tik do good job.”
Miss Harrison closes her eyes. “Do you have any children?”
Tik Tik blanches. “Bwa!? N-no, of course not!”
“If you support anyone too young to file taxes, that counts.”
“Hm… how old, too old.”
“It differs depending on the community, but it is generally 18.”
Tik Tik waves her hands, kicking her feet. “No-no-no! Tik Tik no see anyone under 18!”
“Yes, that would be a grave offense, considering your line of work,” Miss Harrison says. “Then, I suppose we should consider other avenues. I am quite intrigued that you haven’t had any matronly situations, though.”
Tik Tik bites her mouth, tapping her fingers on her desk. “Tik Tik has had many eggs, but none are fertile. Tik Tik checked. Sorry, no can see, though. Eshere eat most of them.”
“Miss Tiiiik!” Eshere gulps. “T-that’s hardly appropriate in f-front of a guest!”
“Maybe not,” Tik Tik says, “But Tik Tik do anything not lose money in tax payment.”
Miss Harrison taps the paper, frowning. “You’ll hardly have to do ‘anything’ to prepare your taxes, Tik Tik. If you have appropriate records, diligent record-keeping and counting shouldn’t take more than a day or two. You could make it quicker by hiring a professional to handle everything.
“You work on people’s taxes, right, Miss Harrison?” Tik Tik asks, smirking gently. “So, would time with Tik Tik be worth you do Tik Tik’s taxes?” the kobold coos at that, scooting back in her chair, she lounges, spreading her legs and resting a hand upon her thigh, the other draped over her chair. A slight growl rises from the kobold’s voice.
The crimson eyes of the rabbit slide down over the kobold for a moment. The rabbit lets out a slight “hmph,” before she bends forward to read over the ledger. “No, it wouldn’t work, and I won’t accept such payment from you.”
Tik Tik puffs her cheeks, crossing her hands over her chest and grumbling. “Why not?”
Standing tall and looking down on Tik Tik, the rabbit delivers the final blow with a matter-of-fact statement. “Because, Miss Tik Tik, I’m asexual.”


“A…[b] asexual?” Tik Tik stares at the rabbit before her, the kobold’s jaw slack.
Miss Harrison crosses her arms under her chest, quirking an eyebrow. “Yes, is that so strange? Not everyone in the world can have the mentality of a character from a smut story, you know.”
Tik Tik lowers her head. “Ah, make sense. Tik Tik not sure what think now.”
“You can think about if you have any charitable donations. Our government rewards those who reward others, after all.”
Tik Tik springs back up, slamming her palms upon the desk. “If Tik Tik claims sex as income, then can claim sex as charity? Tik Tik give lots pity sex in the past year.”
Eshere frowns.
Miss Harrison frowns.
“Oh, that sound pathetic,” Tik Tik says, sitting back. “Hm… Tik Tik did help friends sometimes. Do spells, and they aren’t free.”
“You’d have to make donations of either money or goods to an established charity organization for this to work,” Miss Harrison says. “And I don’t believe you’ve done so this year.” She says this, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a booklet. She flips through one page and then another. “According to this, anyway.”
“Hey, what is that!?” Tik Tik yips, curling her finger toward herself. The booklet falls from Miss Harrison’s hand into Tik Tik’s waiting claws. The kobold scans over page by page, her eyes widening and then furrowing. “Hey! This has all Tik Tik’s money information. Income, deductions, credit….” She slams the booklet down on the desk, gritting her teeth. “You already know everything Tik Tik made last year!”
Miss Harrison holds her hands behind her back, looking down upon Tik Tik. “I will ask you calmly for my book back.”
“You tell Tik Tik why Tik Tik waste time figure numbers out or pay you figure it out when you already know what Tik Tik owes!”
Miss Harrison’s eyebrow twitches at that. “Well, obviously, we don’t know everything you do.”
Tik Tik thumbs through the pages, pointing a claw at one line. “Look. It even says name of goat guy Tik Tik sucked. Tik Tik didn’t know guy’s name. Tik Tik didn’t know sandwich was that cheap!”
Eshere’s face slurps over Tik Tik’s shoulder, reading the notes herself. “This is all very exact. Whoever made this ledger must have been spying on us, taking meticulous count on every last cent.”
Tik Tik growls, pushing herself up from her seat. “Miss Harrison has lots explaining to do,” the kobold says, her tail lashing about. It knocks over her table, but Eshere slips behind her to grab it and set it aside where it won’t come to any harm in the inevitable confrontation.
“There’s nothing to be worked up about,” Miss Harrison says. “We just want to ensure you aren’t lying to us.”
“You were lying to Tik Tik about needing information. I bet you’re probably not even asexual, are you?”
Miss Harrison sneers. “What are you going to do to me, wizard? I’m an appointed official of the taxation service. Any attack against me will be seen as an act of treason!”
“Treason against whom? Blogondia? What even is that place?” Tik Tik asks, a hand up in the air, magic crackling both in her eyes and upon her quivering digits.
“Is that something you’re willing to find out?” Miss Harrison asks, slowly padding back away from the wizard.
“Perhaps it is,” says Tik Tik, stepping around from her desk and snapping her fingers. The booklet flies to her hand, and she stops, bringing the magically charged appendage towards the tome. Crackling energy seeps through the document, and pages quickly turn as the kobold mutters and mumbles the incantation.
Miss Harrison snarls, pouncing towards the kobold, her paws revealing massive claws and her face contorting into a vast predator’s mouth.
A slime wall rises, Eshere’s face frowning at the advancing collector.
Miss Harrison flips midway into the pounce, kicking the wall of jelly and sinking in, only to be sent flying back, where she spins around, grabbing onto the bookcase on the other side, her eyes glowing.
“I can see something,” Tik Tik says, her eyes closed, her brow creased in thought. “I’ve almost got the source.”
“You fool!” Miss Harrison roars. “I haven’t lied to you. I’m a government official, and I work with the law! You can’t simply live outside society's protection while still benefiting from all that social programs and protection it offers!”
Tik Tik closes the booklet, placing it down on the desk. “You’re right, Miss Harrison,” Tik Tik says, stepping around the defensive wall of slime. “I can’t live outside of the world while benefiting from it, but that doesn’t mean I can’t do something about it.”
“Come Eshere: there’s a new function I’ve been meaning to test with the teleporter,” Tik Tik says, spinning around and heading out the library door. Soon, she holds her hand, and her cloak comes to her. She flicks it on practiced and then steps into the hallway and the teleportation corridor.
Miss Harrison slides off the bookcase and follows Tik Tik soundlessly. She finds herself in the impressive teleportation chamber with the slime, the kobold, and their bound elemental spirit.
“You can’t just go to where the taxes are counted!” Miss Harrison protests. “There are rules and regulations that must be followed, and there are forms and appointments.”
“My, my, it seems calm and collected. Miss Harrison is losing her cool. Let’s see just why that is,” the kobold says, chuckling as she floats the book up to the center of her impressive creation. From its magical aura, the portal opens, revealing to Tik Tik a brand new location to travel.[c]
Or it would if it were to show something on the other side.
“What’s that?” Eshere asks.
“Something blocking vision,” Tik Tik says. “Something powerful.”
“You can’t go through there!” Miss Harrison says, reaching out and pleading.
Tik Tik looks over her shoulder, smirks, and steps on through.
Eshere reaches for her, screaming and pleading, “Miss Tiiiik.”


Tikva s[d]its up with a jerk, the sounds of phones and typing filling her groggy head. She blinks and rubs the sleepiness from her eyes, staring at the spreadsheet before her. Yawning, she pushes herself up and stretches, watching around the various desks, with light pouring in from the bright open windows.
“Miss Tikkanen, are you feeling alright?”
Tikva spins around, blushing at the sight of her manager, Tybalt. The young man always had an air of friendliness but always had a cold hand where it mattered.
Tikva gulps, running a hand through her head. “I’m sorry, boss. I guess I was just tired from last night, hehe….”
“No need to explain,” he says, his hand up to stop her. “We need all hands on deck, so if you need to grab yourself an extra energy drink, here.” He reaches into the breast pocket of his probably too-tight shirt and pulls out a dollar. “This should get you something to put some pep in your step.”
Tikva takes the dollar and shuffles from her desk, heading into the hallway. The long corridors are clean and gray, but the breakroom is right down the hall. She’s passed by two higher-ups who pay her no mind as she walks through the lobby, but she sees herself in the mirror when she looks toward them.
Tikva’s strawberry blond hair is messy. Her glasses are gently askew, and her usually vibrant eyes are dull.
She yawns, patting her hair down and shrugging. What more is there to do in the drudgery of day-to-day existence but to make herself look good? You must pay the bills but ensure you care about yourself, right?”
She shrugs and turns when something green catches her eye. She turns back but only sees the faint reflection and the city beyond.
In the break room, a couple workers speak to each other. The one relatively short and curvy gal, Jenny, and the gruff and growling Tobias. Tikva nods to them and looks at her options at the vending machine.
“Tikkers,” Tobias says, and Tikva spins around. He holds a box of donuts in a paw-like hand. “It’s Roy’s birthday, and they splurged on Baker’s.”
Tikva snatches the donut, cursing herself as she bites into the carbohydrated goodness, and then walks over to the coffee pot, where she pours herself a cup.
“Aren’t you supposed to be working on that big account?” Jenny says.
Tikva pulls the tempting ring from her lips, gulping down the sugar-glazed goodness as she looks down at Jenny. “Huh? Oh yeah. Tybalt just sent me down here to pick up something to juice me up, you know? You must burn the midnight oil, morning oil, and all the oil. Even gave me a dollar, too.”
“You ain’t spendin’ it?” Tobias says.
Tikva looks at the bill in between her fingers. “I figured I’d pocket it now.”
“Don’t forget to put it as part of your income,” Jenny teases. “You did do your taxes already, right?”
“Huh? Oh shit!” Tikva slaps her head. “There goes my weekend!”
Tobias barks. “Just get someone else to do it for you–what’s the problem paying a pro to handle it.”
Jenny taps her foot. “A pro is gonna take a cut of the return. Heh, like any of us are gonna get a return. They changed the policy, you hear? We might even owe them because of the fuck up down at the capital.”
“Not if you play your numbers right,” Tobias says, nodding. “It’s always good to have your deductions in order. For instance, check for office supplies that depreciate in value.”
“And keep track of all the food runs as business expenses.”
“And don’t forget the special credit from that new policy.”
“And what about the….”
Tikva stuffs the bill away and picks up the donut and the coffee. Excusing herself, she heads out of the breakroom and back to the monotony of the hallway.
The ringing that she started to hear in the breakroom got louder. She shakes her head this way and that, munching on the donut and stepping with a quickness that she has to hold back lest she spills that too-hot coffee sloshing around in her hand.
She stops in the middle of the hallways, watching as two people speak to one another. One of them is a squat fellow, one of the board of directors, dressed in his three-piece suit, chatting it up with someone she had never seen before.
The mysterious woman dresses in a white suit, making her particularly pale skin and red eyes stand out. Her white hair ties back in a small bun, and she stands tall, wiggling her nose a little but wearing a frown as she listens to the director’s boasting.
For some reason, Tikva can’t keep herself from staring, and she doesn’t realize it when the woman turns to look right at her, walking in her way.
Tikva leaps up as soon as it registers, dropping the coffee onto the ground, her mouth agape in shock.
“You’ll need to be more careful with those things, Miss Tikkanen,” the woman says, standing taller than her, much more professional than the desk worker that Tikva is. “Follow me. We have much to discuss, and let custodial clean that up.”
Tikva gulps, trembling like a rabbit under this newcomer’s persuasion. “A… and who are you?”
“My name is Miss Harrison, and I’ve been looking for you.”


Miss H[e]arrison leads Tikva away from the familiar hallways of her floor into an elevator. She presses the button for an unfamiliar floor a few stories above. 
When the elevator finally dings, Miss Harrison steps out to a hallway much like Tikva knew but so unlike it. The windows lead to the same city beyond, but the angle is slightly different. The halls smell of the same cleaner used by the custodial staff. Still, the familiar scents of the collective experience of workers are gone. It’s a subtle thing that people would overlook, save for that strange feeling in the back of the mind that something nearly imperceptible I different.
Miss Harrison’s heels click across the hall in her otherwise silent march down the hallway, soon stopping to look toward the distressed worker behind her.
“Is something the matter, Miss Tikkanen?”
Tikva turns from the window. “N-no, just. I thought I saw something in your reflection, maybe a bird or something, and it almost looked like you had rabbit ears for a second.”
The woman narrows her eyes, shaking her head. “Step into my office,” she says, offering the room across from the window.
Tikva does as she’s told, finding a chair to sit in. Miss Harrison enters behind her, closing the door.
The office is modern and clean—much too clean to be well-used by its occupant. The only note of any personal touches is a small rabbit figure by her computer.
Miss Harrison looks at her monitor, leaning back and lacing her fingers together.
“Your numbers are low,” she says.
“Excuse me?”
“Your productivity. It’s like your head isn’t in your work anymore. Do you even remember why you joined this company, Miss Tikkanen?
Tikva gulps, crossing her ankles. She grips the arms of her chair, looking down.
“I’m sorry, I don’t.”
Miss Harrison quirks an eyebrow and dramatically lifts a finger, pressing the enter key. “Says in your application that you see us as an opportunity to change the world. But the problem is that you haven’t been changing the world, have you?” She swivels her chair, narrowing her eyes.
“You’ve been living in a fantasy world.”
She turns the monitor, and Tikva’s heart sinks.
“It’s an impressive social media presence, Miss Tikkanen, or should I say @TikTik? We were under the impression that you were working late for us. Instead, you’ve been moonlighting as an illustrator?”
Tikva’s face burns a bright red.
“You haven’t reported this income to your forms, and we can’t have someone in accounting committing fraud.”
“I don’t remember doing any of that,” Tikva admits, biting her lip. “This doesn’t seem right.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said. This doesn’t seem right, and I don’t remember, ugh…” she rubs her eyes, pushing her glasses up.
“Miss Tikkanen, you are in big trouble. I hope you realize the gravity of this situation. We can’t allow someone to live a double life working at the company, and I’m afraid I need….” She trails off, her eyes quirking. She turns the monitor to face her.
“Miss… Harrison?”
Miss Harrison frowns. “What in the….”
A bright light strikes the woman, rolling her back in her chair. She covers her face, yelping in shocked distress. “Aw, fuck!”
At the same time, a pink-scaled hand rises from the monitor window, followed by a lizard-like head, taking a deep breath before the figure tumbles onto the floor.
Tikva hops up to her feet, watching with wide blue eyes as the little kobold emerges from the monitor, shaking her head and coughing, scrambling to her feet.
“No way, no way, no way!” Tikva screams, skittering back toward the door, running right into the thing, and desperately clawing for the door.
The scaled figure, a pink kobold, stands up, her bright blue eyes looking around, seeing the teary-eyed woman in the chair. She is about to reach out for her when she turns around to see the woman scrambling at the door.
When their eyes meet, they both freeze.
Tikva is the first to speak. “Ti… Tik Tik…?”
Tik Tik tilts her head, folding her arms over her chest, puffing out her cheeks. “You know Tik Tik? Then you know who wants Tik Tik’s money!”
“I… no, I-I made you.”
Tik Tik furrows her brows.
“The monitor. You just came out of it, look.”
Tik Tik turns around, squatting in front of the screen, scratching her chin. “What manner of place is Tik Tik in…?
Miss Harrison finishes rubbing the blurriness from her eyes, only to see a little dragon in front of her. She scrambles and falls out of her seat, shrieking and clambering to the door, joining Tikva.
“No, make Tik Tik. Tik Tik comes from the tower and chases the tax collector. You know where it is?” She looks at the screaming woman and frowns.
“Miss Harrison? But… you are human?”
“Tik Tik, you shouldn’t be here,” Tikva says, her voice shaking. “You’re fictional, and you don’t exist. I… made you up when I was younger and make money off you on crowdfunding sites.”
Tik Tik taps her nose. “Very interesting. What kind place is this?”
Tikva gulps, coughing, and says. “This is the headquarters of the Blogondia Corporation.”
“Then, Tik Tik needs speak with who on top.” The kobold says this, waving her hand. The door opens, sending the two women sprawling. Tik Tik steps forward, a circle of light under her feet. She uses this to ride out into that unfamiliar hallway in that strange building, this unfamiliar world.


It’s [f]a strange sight to see a fictional creature floating in the office halls, but Tikva can’t do anything about it now but see things through to the end, whatever the end may be.
“And that’s how Tik Tik came to be here!” the kobold chirps, stopping in front of the stairway. “Ah, here we go.”
“Wait!” Tikva says, pointing to the elevator. “We can take this.”
“Ah, right, like in Anteronia!” Tik Tik presses the button and hops off of her disc. “Tik Tik cannot sense much magic in this world. Didn’t think lift would work.”
“It’s electric. Many things here are.”
“Oooh, smart!” Tik Tik says, rubbing her hands together. “Most things back home use magic to move everything. This cruder but can work in nonmagical places.”
The elevator dings and opens up, and a twinky red-headed intern stands inside, a tray of coffees in one hand and his phone in the other.
Tikva follows the kobold inside, tensing up as the doors close.
“Let’s see… the biggest people in charge are at top, yes?” Tik Tik says, and she hops up and presses one of the top buttons.
The young man momentarily looks up from his phone, frowns, and then looks back down. A moment later, the terror of seeing a reptilian creature standing right in front of him seizes him, and he screams in holy terror.
The coffee falls, splashing its hot contents all over the floor, making a mess all over the three passengers, including the little lizard, who leaps forward, practically head-butting the emergency button.
For a moment, the two humans in the elevator gasp and brace themselves for the stopping of the car and the blaring of an alarm, but it doesn’t come.
Tik Tik groans, rubbing her head as the car stops, the doors opening to a gentleman in a suit, his eyes wide.
“I, uh, I’ll just take the next one,” he says, stepping aside.
The doors close, and the intern yelps, rushing towards the front, slamming into it, and knocking. “Fuck, shit, bitch, tits!”
“Oooowie,” Tik Tik groans, rubbing her head.
“Get me out of here!” the poor young man says, knocking on the door in some desperate and mad struggle.
“Uugh, Tik Tik has headache,” Tik Tik says, flicking her fingers in his direction.
The youth’s eyes roll back, his lids flutter, and his body goes limp, falling to the floor in a snoring heap on top of the spilled coffee.
Tikva shakes her head and kneels beside him, checking his pulse. “You can’t just assault people!” She hisses at the kobold.
“Why not?” Tik Tik says, the elevator coming to a stop. “Ah, here we are!”
The doors open up, and Tik Tik scampers along the carpeted floor of the executive offices of the building. Tikva takes a step forward, but she steps back, staying in the elevator.
“This… this is her story,” the woman says. “I have my own life to worry about.”
And so the doors close on her, returning her to some semblance of everyday life… if one ever existed in the first place.
Tik Tik hops onto the secretary’s desk, crossing one leg over the other, leaning in, and fluttering her eyes. “Hey there, cutie. Want to tell Tik Tik who in charge here?”
The woman sitting at the desk scoots back with a yelp, scrambling for her phone, which she juggles in her hands in a fit of confusion.
Tik Tik snaps her fingers, drawing the device towards her. “Electric, too? Hm… not just. Neat thing, but not what Tik Tik here for.” She hops off the desk and heads to the back. “I think boss must be behind door.”
The Chief office is extensive, with windows that look out to the ground below, spreading from floor to ceiling. The cave-dwelling creature who steps inside pulls her hood over her eyes as she approaches the desk. 
The one sitting at it faces that beautiful view, rocking back and forth on their seat as they speak. “No, I don’t care what they said. You have to do it now. Yes, Hold on. I think something’s going on. I’ll call you back.”
The CEO spins around, folding hands together and nodding. “Ah, Tik Tik, so you’ve come, have you?”
The kobold folds her arms over her chest, puffing out her cheeks. “Oh, so you know me?”
“Of course I do,” the CEO says, motioning to their computer. “My people have been monitoring you for some time.”
“And who are you? What is this place? What does it have to do with giving you my money?”
The CEO chuckles. “Oh, Tik Tik, you should know everything revolves around money. If it weren’t for money, you wouldn’t even exist.”
Tik Tik tilts her head. “What do you mean?”
The CEO turns their monitor. “You see this website? People pay the artist to create things, and the thing they create is you.”
“Oh, I jumped out of something like that,” Tik Tik admits. “Is this a portal? There are lots of those where I’m from.”
“Oh, no, no, no. Let’s not get too deep in the weeds there. All you need to know is that money is important, and it’s essential that if the person who makes you doesn’t get money,  you don’t exist.”
“Tikva?”
“Let’s go with that,” the CEO says. “So, if it's important for this… Tikva, to make money, then we must make money. Just as you need to make money. It makes the world go ‘round, after all.”
“But you know everything about Tik Tik. Why not just charge me and take your cut? What does this have to do with taxes!?”
The CEO stands up, arms outstretched. “Don’t you get it? It’s all about the spectacle of the thing. You, me, Miss Harrison. It’s a story, a tale, all to intrigue people to get them reading more! They want to know what happens next!”
“They?”
“Oh, wait and see… wait, and see…”


Tik Tik [g]groans, her eyes watery and her throat sore. She pushes herself under layers of sheets, kicking the blankets off her until she lays sprawled out on the bed, naked, staring at the ceiling.
“Urggh… what happened?” she murmurs, rubbing her eyes, watery and sticky.
She looks around and sits up quickly. She’s not in the business room, and neither is she in her tower. The kobold darts around to figure out exactly where she is, only to recognize the simple hominess of an inn.
She rubs her head and stumbles out of bed, heading towards the chair and grabbing her canteen. She guzzles down water, letting some of it roll down her chin and over her scales. With a gasp, she pulls it from her lips and screws the lid back on.
She remembers it all clearly, or at least she thinks she does. It’s all fading away. 
The naked kobold shuffles towards the bedside table, plopping herself down and crossing a leg over the other. She picks up the papers lying there and looks over them, one by one.
Business expenses, taxes, a report on the desirable properties of the undead, the processes of lucid dreaming…
Dreams… is that all that it was? Interdimensional travel, vampiric bunnies, meeting alternative versions of herself…?
And that horrible truth that she was nothing more than a creature whose life was meaningless outside of making someone else’s life more meaningful?
What could be bothering the kobold so much as to make such dreams so strangely realistic?
A knock on the door breaks her train of thought. Tik Tik heads to it, using magical gestures to remove the locks.
Her blue eye emerges from the crack, and she stares upward, only to freeze.
Standing on the other side of the door is a rabbit dressed in business attire, hands behind her back, with red eyes looking down at her.
“You caused us quite a scare, Tik Tik,” Miss Harrison says.
Tik Tik opens the door, tapping a foot. “So, we jumped through the portal, and then what? Who is your boss? The CEO of that building?”
Miss Harrison frowns. “I don’t know… what you’re talking about?” She stops and shakes her head. “I’m just letting you know that your return is in, and we found out that we did owe you.” She hands a cheque to Tik Tik.
The kobold snatches it, narrowing her eyes as she reads. “But I thought I didn’t do my taxes right.”
“And I thought you were too sick to see anyone.” She asks this, leaning to look into the doorway. “What have you been doing all this time?”
Tik Tik looks over her shoulder, gripping the door as more and more of her life returns to her from that dream world haze. “Ah, right, I was just looking over everything, including rules for things.”
“How very vague of you,” Miss Harrison says. “And what have you found?”
“One,” Tik Tik says, rubbing her head, “Don’t jump in random portals if you don’t know where they go. There are magic spells that will mess you up. How long was I out?”
“Depends on your definition,” Miss Harrison says, pulling a pocketwatch from her coat. “A good 13 hours of rest in your room came after your delirium. It’s not safe for the living to enter the accounting department.”
“So, a treasury staffed by nothing but undead?”
“Well, I wouldn’t say all of us are, but when the international treasury was founded centuries ago, we found it necessary to keep a continuity of workers there. New blood is sometimes difficult to train. Speaking of which, though, there was one individual I’d been looking for. We’re supposed to begin our initiation, but I can’t find him.”
Tik Tik’s grip tightens on the doorway.
“You wouldn’t happen to know what happened to my new recruit, would you?”
Tik Tik gulps. “Uh, no, I don’t think so. I just woke up, and I really must be going.”
“Do you mind if I help you pack?” Miss Harrison asks, holding out a hand towards the door. “It can be quite troublesome to put all those tax documents away in a manner beneficial to you come next year.”
“Next… year?”
“Oh, yes,” Miss Harrison says, her crimson eyes glowing. “Tax season is a song and dance that will be with you all your life, Tik Tik. You will never escape accounting for every copper coin you scrounge up. You will always need to tell us exactly what we already know, and you will, no doubt, find yourself trying to hide from it, only for it to come looking for you again and again.”
Tik Tik gulps, her scales tingling as she scratches the doorway. “Something doesn’t feel right,” Tik Tik says, her brows furrowing. “Wait… you’re not just some tax collector; you’re… you’re….”
“That’s right, Tik Tik,” Miss Harrison says, holding her arms out to either side. “I’m financial responsibility, and I don’t mean metaphorically or allegorically!”
“But if you’re the embodiment of a concept, wouldn’t you be a metaphor? Wouldn’t you meeting me be an allegory?”
Miss Harrison huffs and says. “Just let me inside.”
Tik Tik taps her nose, nods, and then slams the door. “No. Go away. You may be a living metaphor, but you’re still a vampire!”


Miss[h] Harrison knocks on the door, but Tik Tik does not abide her. The kobold scurries over to her clothes, slipping them back on, starting with her leggings, then going to her footwraps.
As she slides into those, she pauses. What was that? A rustling on the bed? She scampers toward it, poking her nose over the edge to look at the bundle of sheets. A moment later, the sheets shift around.
She backs off, her eyes widening, her hands clasping at the edge. Her tail slaps against the ground, but she fights to keep it from doing so again. She gulps, waiting, watching, wondering, and trying to remember just what happened last night.
All she can remember is the dream—how unfinished it is, how pointless it feels, and yet, it feels like there is a point—that there is a purpose. She couldn’t accept that the past adventures had been an exercise in futility—that she would have wasted her life doing nothing for a mere pittance. Why would she go through nonsense involving dreams and vampires only to end up with nothing?
The kobold leaps onto the bed, sitting on her knees. She grips the mount of sheets and rips them away from the sleeping form beneath, only to gasp at the sight she sees underneath.
Laying there, turning and groggy, is the naked form of a satyr. He rubs his stomach and blows a raspberry though his eyes remain closed. He nuzzles his head against the pillow and rolls onto his stomach, letting out a sheepish bleat.
He’s kinda cute.
But he’s also that guy she sucked off for a sandwich.
Way back… when?
Wait… is it now? Then, when? Tik Tik rubs her head and hops off the bed.
When he does, the satyr yawns, rolling off the bed himself, his hooves clopping on the floor.
“Where ya going, terror tongue?” He asks, chuckling in a husky voice.
Right, he’s not just cute. He’s sexy!
Tik Tik scurries under the bed, closing her eyes tight. As she thinks, she retreats into her mind palace, a connected network of tunnels and libraries similar to her tower, yet distinct. She runs through volumes and volumes of magical lore, looking for the spell that would be perfect for this situation.
When she reaches for the book, a hoofy hand grabs her wrist, and she spins around to see the goat man standing there, a smirk on his lips. “Now, Double-T,  there’s no need for that!”
Tik Tik thrusts her free hand forward, expelling energy into his stomach, and it pushes him back, and she slips her hand away, wrenching the book away from her shelf.
“Oh, I know what’s going on here!” The kobold growls, “and whoever’s on the other side will get it.”
The goat rubs his stomach, chuckling, his eyes turning red. “Oh, is that so?” he asks, his voice getting deeper, rumbling throughout the room.
Tik Tik stumbles back, the flooring around her rumbling and loosening up. She hops and conjures up her floating platform just in time for the floor to give way to a void all around her, the pieces of the room splintered and floating all around in a strange pastiche of normalcy and nothingness.
The goat, the satyr, the demon chuckles, his leathery wings unfurling. “Seems our little game is at an end, wizard.”
“What manner of demon are you?” the kobold asks, fingertips crackling with her magic.
“The manner that infests the dreams of others,” he says, floating close to her now, unafraid of her half-naked fury. “You’re quite the interesting mortal, and your dreams are exquisite.”
Tik Tik turns her disc to follow the demon as he floats around her. “Yeah, and what’s that?”
“Your dreams are so mundane, and they lack the excitement many people have. Where’s the torrid love affairs? Where are the deep-seated desires? Where are the confusing pieces of excitement that make you wake up in a cold sweat, wondering if you can think such thoughts?
“Your mind is so boring for a woman of such exotic tastes!”
Tik Tik smirks at that, hands upon her hips. “Oh, that? That easy! You want to know the reason?”
He leans forward, resting his chin upon the back of his hands, bending his legs like an excited teen on a bed. “Oh, I do want to know. I try to throw nightmares at you to spice things up, but all you do is provide me with the most boring, nonsensical mess I’ve ever seen in a woman of your vast intellect.”
Tik Tik puffs out her chest, placing a hand upon her heart. “I don’t need to have exciting dreams. I live out my adventure all day, every day! I can just be me when I want and how I want. The greatest nightmare is living a mundane life where I can’t be who I am.”
“How poetic.” He chuckles, shrugging. “Well, I suppose there’s nothing else for me to do but to leave you alone.”
“I don’t trust you.”
“As you shouldn’t. Enjoy the waking world, Tik Tik, even if it isn’t what you expect it to be.”
Tik Tik quirks an eyebrow. “What do you mean by that?”
—
Tap tap
Tap, tap, tap.
Tik Tik jumps up with a start, the back of her hand soaked as she slurps the drool from the corner of her mouth. She snorts and looks around, staring at the red-eyed rabbit before her.
“If you’re very much done with your visit to the land of Nod, we have taxes to finish.”
Tik Tik groans, slamming her head on the desk, rattling the scrolls and ink wells.
The nightmare never ends!


“Tik Ti[i]k can deduct this from things if we list Cynwrig as dependent. Also, if Tik Tik is married, can file jointly?”
Tik Tik taps the tip of her snout with her pen, focusing on lines upon lines of text. “There just so much to remember, and why do any of it?”
Miss Harrison sighs. “You don’t want to be shortchanged, do you?”
“Tik Tik much rather go on major sleep journey again,” the kobold admits, handing the paper over toward Miss Harrison, “But Tik Tik think we’re done now, for real, this time.”
Miss Harrison nods, taking the papers from Tik Tik. She looks over each form, her crimson eyes scanning every detail, her lips mouthing what’s written there. “Everything checks out. I hope you’ve enjoyed your time learning all about taxes.”
“Tik Tik didn’t learn anything about taxes! Tik Tik learns get someone else do them and pay them money to not think about it.”
Miss Harrison smirks, filing the papers away. “And that, miss Tik Tik, is trick behind everything.”
Tik Tik blinks, and she snickers, shaking her head. “Fun trick. Much like kobold trap. Make things so complicated no one want do it. Whoever make this plan is meanie evil head. Almost as if… demonic?”
Miss Harrison shrugs. “One doesn’t have to be demonic to be sinister. I’m sure you know that well enough. Anyway, I must bid you adieu. Many do not know the wonderful world of taxes and need my help.”
The rabbit floats back into the darkness of the kobold’s tower, but Tik Tik holds a hand out, calling for her to stop.
Miss Harrison heeds her call, quirking an eyebrow. “Yes?”
“How much of it was real?” Tik Tik asks. “The dream and seeing you and being Tikvah and being Tik Tik, and sucking off a goat guy?”
Miss Harrison chuckles. “Oh, Tik Tik, real is just an illusion; you should know that. Your dreams are as real as you are. Explore them, if you may, and see where they go.”
With that, she turns around, walking and disappearing, not in a swarm of bats or mist, but just vanishing.
Tik Tik slumps back in her seat. “Dreams are just as real as here? What does that mean?”
Eshere forms behind the kobold, a frown upon her slimy face. “Miss Tik, are you alright?”
“Oh, I’m fine. I’m just finishing up my taxes with Miss Harrison. She left, and we’re all in the clear, thank goodness!”
Eshere frowns. “That was a powerful spell you hit yourself with; the physician says it should wear off soon.”
Tik Tik groans and leans back. “Another dream? How much of this can I take!? I just want to get back to real life and be done with all this jumping around dreamland!”
Eshere shrugs. “I’m not sure, Miss Tik, but there is much to gain from a dreamland as there is from the real world. You wouldn’t have met Miss Harrison if it weren’t for the dreamland.”
“I wish I could explore it while knowing its a dream, though.”
Eshere slides over to the edge of the chamber. There, she slides open the window. “You can.”
Tik Tik hops from her seat and approaches the balcony. There, her mind’s eye is filled with wonder and horror. Beyond her mortal comprehension, here in this is a dreadful plateau—like a nightmare—a terrifying frontier far beyond anything Tik Tik could imagine in her world and wanderings.
“Eshere…” Tik Tik begins, swallowing a lump in her throat. “Do you see it? There’s so much more to discover in this realm of dreams: many creatures and societies. How do they live? Do they make friends? Are they sexy?”
Eshere smirks. “Well, I suppose there’s only one way for you to find that out, now?”
—
Tik Tik’s eyes open up, her head throbbing. She groans and rolls onto her stomach. “Guuuh…. Eshere! Cynwrig…! Anyone!”
Eshere arrives before the kobold. “Yes, Miss Tik? How are you feeling?”
“Tik Tik feel sick sick! Why?” She whines.
“The doctor said you’d still feel the effects for a few days. Has the medicine been helping you sleep?”
Tik Tik’s bloodshot eye opens up, a smile creeping over her face. “Oh, very much,” she says, her voice weak. “There so much for Tik Tik to discover with that root. Please, order more. I must explore the land of dreams! I wanna see Tikva and Miss Harrison again, and I want to have sexy time with dream monsters!”
Eshere frowns. “Perhaps, we should check on lowering the dosage. Oh, right, before I forget, your financial report came in. I’ve paid what you owe out of the reserves.”
“Ah, so easy,” Tik Tik says, lying on her back. “Imagine the nightmare if we had to count the money ourselves.”
“That,” Eshere pauses, frowning, “Sounds overly complicated.”
“In another world, that’s how they do things,” Tik Tik says, nodding. “But that’s a world to explore for another day. Get me some juice and something to eat. I think I’ll go back to sleep and see where my mind retakes me.”
“Very well, Miss Tik.”
And so, Tik Tik closes her eyes, curled up naked in her bed, off to dream once more in some nightmarish adventure.
[a]part 3
[b]Part 4
[c]might be fun if I did a weird meta thing after this scene. Like she travels through the portal and it seems like this is all a dream, making it seem like we're dealing with some kind of capstone to the story with a weird fakeout ending or something
[d]Part 5
[e]Part 6
[f]Part 7
[g]part 8
[h]part 10
[i]Part 10