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I just hope the end result is ok shaped.", "description_bbcode_parsed": "So, minor CW for this one due to some thoughts of violence, but it's nothing too major.

I had block on this one but breaking it seemed to help out a bit. I just hope the end result is ok shaped.", "writing": "Collared Chapter 28: Frustration\nBy TerraMGP\n\n\t“Yo, College boy!”\n\n\tThat nickname. Suddenly every shred of Justin’s body was a knot of tensed muscle and rage. He looked up from the bleeder line he’d just set and over to the next bay. Rami was there. The old feline was 30 pushing 45. Not bad looking, but gangly and wearing years of hard living in his fur. He stood next to an older Dodge Dart with a large chrome handle poking out of it.\n\n\tJustin didn’t argue. He didn’t even bring up how stupid the nickname was when there were plenty of other people in the garage who had gotten some form of degree. Sure he was the only one actively going to school now. But it was still annoying as fuck.\n\n\t“Say, kid. You mind helping me out? Starter is stuck in there good.” Rami gestured to the engine bay and gave the foot long handle of his biggest socket wrench a gentle tug.\n\n\tIn spite of himself, Justin had to peek in. His loose tank top hung down in a way that almost made him slap it back to his chest before someone saw him lewdly exposing his flat trap chest. Then he remembered that it was likely nobody gave a shit. If anything being bashful in here would only get him teased more.\n\n\tInstead he kept his mouth shut and leaned down until he could get a good look at the problem. It would have been easier if he’d remembered his flashlight, but even that wasn’t really needed.\n\n\tRust. The whole bracket for the starter was rusted out, and the bolt that wasn’t covered by a socket already looked half-stripped.\n\n\t“Sooo, what’s this?” Justin felt himself shifting side to side in the hopes of getting a bit more light on the thing. None of the movements really seemed to help.\n\n\tRami shrugged and crouched down a bit “It’s just what it looks like, ese. Already doused it with a whole can of WD-40. But I don’t think I got the back muscles to bust these things loose anymore.” He slammed a fist on the small of his back to play up the pain he supposedly felt. All comically exaggerated, all with a dumb damn smile on his muzzle.\n\n\tJustin, for his part, sighed and bit his lip. The more pointed and vulgar comments he had in his back pocket wouldn’t fix anything. “You could just use the impact wrench, right?”\n\n\t“You kidding, kid?” Rami scoffed “That’s a good way to strip the whole damn thing out. Here, you just give that handle there a few good yanks and it’ll come free. I gotta take lunch.”\n\n\tThe older mechanic didn’t even leave an opening to question things. By the time Justin had looked up he was already on his way out of the door, a pack of Newport’s pulled from his sleeve.\n\n\tNaturally. It always played out that way. So why should it be any different this time? There he was, the part timer left alone in the garage yet again. The role of designated blame-sink seemed to be his destiny. Accepting it, the young man wrapped both paws around the tool and gave it a small tug. He gave a few more once he was sure the first one hadn’t snapped the bolt head clean off, then hauled himself up and reared back as best he could. It was a struggle to get proper footing while putting more and more of his weight on things. There was a worry of damaging the bumper or a panel while he slowly ramped the force up. \n\n\tNothing seemed to work. If anything it felt as if every few tugs managed to wriggle the socket off of the bolt head. All the while the rage built, until finally he hauled himself up and slammed one boot on the tire. He pulled back on the rubber-clad bar with every ounce of strength he had.\n\n\tA clang, a ping, swearing, screaming.\n\n\tThe wrench lay on the garage floor now. White pain swirled in the otter boy’s vision until it finally came back to see the dirty cement floor and watch himself instinctively bouncing on his tiptoes. His thumb ached and his left paw was jammed under his right arm, compressed down as hard as he could manage.\n\n\t“Mother fucking son of a stupid god damn whore!” Each word hissed though clenched fangs. From the corner of his eye he could see a nice big gouge into the car’s paint and to his horror the head of the bolt he’d been pulling on now lay under the car’s front tire. He snarled once more and screamed in rage, hammering his boot into the tire itself over and over again. Each impotent kick against the car nearly sent him off balance and shifted his body in a way that flared the pain in his joint. \n\n\tWhen the pain had finally dulled enough he collapsed against the side of the car and pulled his hand free. The thumb joint closest to the hand was somewhat swollen. Worse, it looked like whenever he’d pop his thumb out of joint. Except it wasn’t the thumb join the could pop, and was shoved far further than it should be for just double jointed grossouts.\n\n\t“Oh, Jesus fuck.”\n\n--------------------\n\n\tOzzy was out of the house. Willa was busy in her room working on Etsy things. The plans had already been made, but for Gretchen it felt like everything was falling perfectly into place. She had on her ‘special bra’. It was just a bra with padding and thumbtacks in it. She’d made it years ago but hadn’t used it much in any play since her Master had decided they should all ‘take it slow’. It was joined by the shortest skirt she owned and an overly-large Tee shirt with an Ahegao face clipped from some hentai doujin. She didn’t know which one. The people who sold it on Amazon probably didn’t either. It didn’t matter. It was cute. As cute as she was ever going to get without help.\n\n\tShe could all but taste his dirty boot leather on her lips. She could smell that mix of motor oil and allegedly D&D character themed body scent he always used. She could all but feel the newest round of body writing she’d put on herself. ‘Critical hit’ and ‘weak point’ on either thigh with arrows going right up between her legs. ‘Disposable Onahole’ on her chest. A bunch of ‘Zelda’ style empty heart containers with one and a half of them full on her ass, that alone had taken a good solid hour to get right. \n\n\tBut she was ready. She was so far beyond ready. Her whole body ached with eager anticipation. She shut her eyes and lifted her chin just high enough to keep her collar presented. Heavy breaths forced in though her eternally stuffed nose as she waited eagerly for her cruel prince to arrive.\n\n\tAnd then he did. The door burst open. Her heart rose and fluttered. School girl squeals wriggling awkwardly in her throat with all the grace of the comedy occult girl in any given anime. Those happy squeals evaporated just as quickly as they came. A cheap compression bandage, one vaguely similar to the warm rich brown of his fur, was pulled over his left paw. Her Master dragged himself into the house slowly and kicked the door behind him. His whole body was trembling. His body twitched now and again. He stopped short and just stood there, staring at her. Staring though her. She didn’t even dare move forwards to kiss his shoe.\n\n\t“Master?” She choked the word out “A-are you ok?”\n\n\tHe kept an eye on her for a few moments, but still kept walking. Justin didn’t bother to kick his shoes off, to drop his coat, he didn’t even touch her. “No.” He finally grumbled “I’m not ok.” With that the otter hammered his way up the stairs and into his room, slamming the door shut after.\n\n--------------------\n\n\tA more rational man might have worried about slamming the door. The ear splitting reverberations of old wood on old wood were enough to scare anyone sensible at the prospect of cracking or damaging the run down and poorly kept old house. Justin wasn’t that man right now. In truth he never was.\n\n\tHe collapsed on his shitty twin mattress and rolled on to his back with his hips and everything below hanging off of it. A few moments on his knees like that and he then rolled over, looking up at the ceiling. Nothing had changed. The bubbling, shaking, impotent rage was already back. It rolled over him, swallowing him up. Months of working to quell these stupid, useless feelings once again eroded out from under him. Falling away like fragile dirt stairs leaving him to backslide into the abyss.\n\n\tSome part of him knew he should feel bad. The way he’d just brushed off Gretchen. None of this was her fault. Then again, it was nothing more than the simple consequence of being around him.\n\n\tSent home early again. That hadn’t happened since the bike garage. He’d almost forgotten how it felt to finally lose it. That numb all consuming frustration which lay just below the surface. How his body would fail to respond the way he wanted. Every little object knocked down or harmless interaction with another fur would redouble it and make it flare in his mind. The worse it got, the worse his control over himself grew. Hate he knew he shouldn’t feel mixing with frustration at his ever worsening ability to do even the simplest task.\n\n\t“That’s who you are, when you scratch the surface.” The voice was his, but not his. Justin rolled his head to the side, and saw him. A snot nosed twelve year old brat of an otter. Sitting there in an overly large leather coat, resting his ass on the desk without a care for the things he was crushing, dirty doc martins resting on his computer chair.\n\n\t“What kind of shitty Tommy Oliver coma dream fuckery is this.” Justin snarled.\n\n\tThe ‘younger’ him rolled his eyes and huffed “Oh please. Don’t try that ‘Old lore’ nerd shit with me. You only know who that is because you watched that power rangers retrospective. And don’t go trying to pretend like this is some ‘going crazy’ anime moment. You know what you’re doing.”\n\n\tIt seemed the rage wasn’t the only thing Justin was slipping back into. He’d often done theoretical arguments with others. Especially when he was younger. Long drawn out periods in his own head of yelling at historical or fictional figures. Some odd mental exercise he was never quite in full control of, like a lucid dream but waking. “Haven’t done this in a while I guess.” He sighed. “Certainly not with myself.”\n\n\t“Because you’re ashamed of yourself.” The other him was quick to correct. “Because you’ve spent half a year now trying to be something you’re not and it’s not working. So now this is happening.”\n\n\tJustin snatched one of the cheap knickknacks he hoarded on his bedside and chucked it at the imaginary ‘him‘. He went to grab another, only to instead pause and begin fiddling with its arm. Some cheap knockoff transformers toy from Big Lots. Something simple to fidget with. He didn‘t even pretend to guess at why he bought things like this anymore. As he fussed with the idle movements adjusting the toy the cliché phrase replayed in his head. The lack of focus causing his train of thought to skip like a CD. The thoughts stilled while he sprayed and then quickly wiped away the thick layer of dust. They stilled right up until he collapsed into his chair waiting for his body to pass though another bout of executive dysfunction.\n\n\tHe collapsed back into his bed and looked up at the ceiling. He knew he should do something to take his mind off of things. Perhaps just something as simple as cleaning up. But it was so hard. Not physically, but every time he got one thing done his brain seemed to just switch off. It didn’t help that he could easily imagine that younger, stupider him sneering, laughing at him with the same kind of snotty contempt he had always held for ‘normies’.\n\n\t“I’m just trying to do something right for once.” Justin muttered to himself.\n\n\t“Because we’ve always done the ‘right’ thing. Right? Like you totally pulled your knife and gutted Ms. Blake when the bitch decided to start trapping us?”\n\n\t“That’s not-” He paused. It was the truth. Sadly his brain did seem to do that when he got like this. Tell the truth. About how he felt. He remembered that night. The Gym teacher luring him and Collin in. The threat of a porn manga she’d found. He couldn’t let his parents find out, especially not when it was Hui who’d given it to him.\n\n\tIt had been his big chance. A disgusting feeling crept over the young man as he made that little self-confession. She’d raped them. She’d blackmailed them. She’d degraded him and his best friend. It was the kind of scenario the old him dreamed of. Because it was the kind of thing where he’d be justified in giving in. He could be violent. The kind of violent he always wanted to be deep down. He could finally let all this rage out at something, someone deserving of it.\n\n\t“She’d have kicked my ass.” He scoffed to himself, loud enough to wince and worry that someone had heard him.\n\n\t“Knife beats fists.” The ‘other’ him corrected “And it’s not like she would be expecting it.”\n\n\tBack at the start of senior year when the whole thing had taken place, Justin had spent quite a few nights replaying that first little ‘session’ in his head. He remembered showing up to the motel with Collin. The illegal as fuck switchblade he’d had in his pocket. Back then he spent whole nights just playing the fight out in his head. Painting the room with blood like a panel from Berserk. The borderline dagger in his paw ripping though the perverted woman oh so very easily.\n\n\tIt was stupid., ‘He’ was stupid. If he’d been smart he would have avoided it by not going. He would have fessed up. Called the cops. Done something a grown ass adult would do. But he didn’t. He didn’t do the adult thing. He didn’t let his rage slip, either. He just… went along with it. He allowed it to happen. Allowed ‘her’ to happen.\n\n\tWorse than that. Far, far worse. A part of him had liked it.\n\n\t“You’re not upset that you liked it.” Another theoretical voice hit him. Justine. The voice he always attributed to that little persona of his. The haughty, bored, gothy, ‘Wednesday Addams on a bad day’ voice that now made him money.\n\n\tHe could see her too. The gothy otter girl. In his minds eye sitting to one side of him while ‘old’ Justin sat on the other. The kind of thing his brain always cooked up when he was too tired or too stressed to reign in his racing thoughts.\n\n\t“I hope I remembered to take my Adderall with the other stuff today.” He sighed. It would explain the low focus. The antidepressants took a while to fade and then hit like a truck. But the ADHD shit was immediate.\n\n\tFlashes of imaginary violence butted up against memories of taking thick wolverine dick down his muzzle. Any time the young man tried to focus on one, the other slipped in instead. He’d been shoving both down for quite a while now. Back in his early teens Justin often found himself playing out absurd little combat choreography that had more in common with a fighting game in the training screen than any sort of real world combat. It never really worked out that way. Most of the times he’d gone in on bullies they ended up getting the upper hand after a few blows, or a teacher would break it up and suspend him.\n\n\tYet when he tried to drive away those silly fantasies of air-juggling Tabs, his brain instead leapt to Justine. The little Dommie-in-training trying to learn from a real, grown up dominant. The stupid little high school senior sissy on her knees in some back ally licking at the teacher’s heavy balls with eyes locked on those of her ‘auntie’.\n\n\tThe fact that Justin was at least a bit turned on by this mostly-memory didn’t do his mood any favors. Especially when his anger at it slipped back in to ideas of walking up to her in the public library with one of his big ass mall-swords. The things he used to get with Christmas money back before the plastic crack of 40K started devouring his meager high school funds.\n\n\tHe was away from that now. He wasn’t the edgy little shit looking to live out his anime fantasies. He wasn’t his gym teacher’s little victim.\n\n\t“But you still like using me.” Justine laughed. God but Justin hated it when his brain did that. He tried to imagine something else ‘she’ would say out of spite, but nothing came, so he let the other end of the imaginary conversation sit.\n\n\t“Justine is a way to help make up for how shit I get paid doing twenty hours or less in the shop.” He muttered.\n\n\t“True.” The feminine him would have said, the him in the gothy outfit with her thick clunky boots perched on the chair and her rump on the desk. “And most of the fat slobs and grody old men are pretty gross. It gets really old caning someone’s balls while he calls you by his grandkid’s name.” Justin never had verification that’s what they were doing. But in his mind it was pretty obvious that ‘Justine’ was an outlet for them. Someone doing the shit they couldn’t act out on an actual loved one or acquaintance.\n\n\tThere were exceptions, though. “That Simon boy is pretty cute.” Justine noted. Crossing her legs seductively at the idea of the chipmunk boy that had probably been one of Justin’s favorite ‘clients’ so far. Probably because he was properly ‘adorkable’ and clearly not too much older than the otter himself. There was also that older Collie milf into the idea of being corrupted, and the pony girl who was actually making Justin flex some race play chops again. Albeit some less comfortable ones, especially since the woman also asked for a bit of Transphobia.\n\n\t“It’s not the worst job.” he sighed “But it’s a job. That’s not real Domming. I can just shut off. If I go too far someone just decides not to show up again. If I do that with Gretchen, or hell even Hui…”\n\n\t“Why would you go too far with them?” Even as a construct of his own self reflection, the sharp cut-in of the ‘younger’ him was profoundly annoying. God he was such a little asshole. He could easily see him sitting on the corner of the bed and leaning in, sneering, unwashed headfur falling down in front of his face. “They’re part of your harem. You think really cool guys like Naofumi or Hajime would ever hurt a member of their harem?”\n\n\t“I really wish someone had beaten the shit out of you.” Justin sighed. Except they had. Many times. Usually for fights he at least partially initiated. Even then, it was how he used to think. This grating bundle of stupid was how he’d always been. It probably was him still, just below the surface. What had it taken to scratch that surface? A moment of frustration. A few seconds of pain? Something not working just the way he wanted and suddenly he blew up.\n\n\tHe wasn’t some stupid edge lord anime protagonist. He wasn’t a power fantasy or wish fulfillment. He was some dumb brat kid with no focus trying like hell to make it though college and prove to everyone he was more than a burden. He was the failure of a boy that not one but two girls had hitched themselves to for inexplicable reasons. He was someone who’s parents kept bailing him out of bullshit for and who had to find some way he could support himself lest he leech away what few resources they had from his oncoming baby sister.\n\n\tHe was a pampered, spoiled, overly lucky imposter who had spent the first half of his teens sure he wouldn’t make it to his 20s… and who still had small moments where he wondered if he’d make it to his 30s.\n\n\t“Just keep following his advice.” It was the Justine voice again. He wished it wasn’t just his brain talking to itself and working though problems. He wished he was fucking crazy, that these were all things outside of his control. Because he knew what she meant. Ryan. The bastard. The cousin he’d trusted for so long, who then turned around and showed that he was no different than ‘her’.\n\n\tThe young otter could still remember it. Last winter. Standing out there in the bitter cold, under the branches of a dead tree. The first two things Ryan had taught him. The first two bits of real, hard, foundational advice from a dominant rather than a rapist playing games.\n\n\tConsent and communication.\n\n\tHe hadn’t broken consent, not like Ryan had. Even if it was apparently mostly just play with the others who knew about it. But communication? Justin didn’t want to communicate any of this to Hui or Gretchen. He didn’t want to burden them. No, he didn’t want to show them the stupid little monster he really was.\n\n\tYet even that thought felt profoundly edgelordy and stupid. Like he was hiding something genuinely sinister and low key cool rather than just not wishing to reveal what a loser he was.\n\n\t“You have to tell them.” The younger him noted.\n\n\t“He wasn’t wrong about this.” Justine added “Even if you hate him, he knows a lot.”\n\n\tIt was stupid advice. Figments of his imagination spurting out things he absolutely didn’t want to address. Things he shouldn’t have to address. But they were his thoughts in the end. And they weren’t wrong. If nothing else, he owed both of his girls one thing if he was going to call himself a Dom.\n\t\n--------------------\n\n\tGretchen hadn’t dared to knock on her Master’s door. She certainly wasn’t expecting anyone to knock on hers. The knock was so sudden it nearly sent her out of bed. So sudden, in fact, that she didn’t even stop to wonder what she was doing as she made her way to the door and opened it. All of the anger, the frustration, and especially the worry melted away as she saw Justin standing on the other side.\n\n\tHe walked past her. Slipped his way over to her bed and sat on it without a shred of hesitation. His movements were different from before. Strong, confident. He still looked like someone who’d had their spirit dragged out behind a shed and beaten. Now, though, the young man was at least making an effort to push a smile though it.\n\n\tHe pointed to the floor before him. Gretchen wasted no time in rushing forwards and kneeling before him. Back straight as she could manage, arms gripped behind her, legs apart, chest out. A position she knew he loved, the position she knew she was to take naturally whenever presenting to her owner. Hopefully something to soothe her Master a bit.\n\n\tA paw met her cheek. Fingers caressing the downy mole fur for a few long tender moments. Gretchen felt like one of those electric balls at the gift stores. She could feel little lightning bolts of raw elation dancing along her face wherever he touched. She was barely even aware of drawing a heavy, ragged breath or the small yelps she made after.\n\n\t“Good girl.” Justin sighed. “I am sorry about earlier.”\n\n\t“Y-you don’t have to be sorry, Sir.” Gretchen’s stutter caused her to wince. “This toy exists for your pleasure. You hold no obligations to disposable property.”\n\n\tEven as she said it Gretchen felt herself bracing for his refute. It never came. Instead he crooked a finger under her chin and tilted her muzzle up. He forced her gaze to meet his. Those shimmering blue eyes felt like two blocks of pure blue ice ready to smash down on top of her and god did she welcome it.\n\n\t“I wish to explain, little one. And you’re going to listen. Do you understand?”\n\n\tGretchen nodded. If she hadn’t been fully aware of the blush under her fur before she certainly was now. Her paws tensed up and she bit so hard on her lip it felt like she was going to hurt herself. The very idea of it caused her to loose a needy, dopey giggle-snort right from her throat while she pushed herself as much as she dared into his paw.\n\n\tHer reward was a heartbreaking smile from her Master. A shift from the hollow one he’d worn a moment ago. It was at least more genuine. It simply stung to see him with it.\n\n\t“I know I’m not Hui.” the otter boy sighed. Gretchen opened her mouth, and he put his thumb to her lips to silence her. “I know she’s who you fell for. I’m more just baggage. I’m sure if you were able to room with her and I was somewhere else you’d resent it every time I came over.” He kept his thumb in place to silence the inevitable responses. His big rudder tail swished a bit on the messy bed behind him. It was the only sign of just how much effort this all seemed to be taking for him. “I love Hui. A big part of that is she knows me. She knows me really well, and she doesn’t care. I used to keep telling myself I was just scamming her somehow. That she grew up around me so she was blind to everything. That wasn’t fair to her.”\n\n\tOnce again Justin fell silent. He showed no signs of it, but Gretchen assumed the increased frantic twisting and swishing of his rudder was sign enough that he was agitated by all of this. Something deep down was eating him and the longer he went the more the words seemed to elude him.\n\n\t“I get mad. A lot. What you’ve seen of me so far, that isn’t really me. I mean I’d like it to be. It’s still shitty, but it’s better than how I used to be. That’s not a high bar, though. I’m not really that smart. I’m stupid, and weak, and most of all I have a horrible temper. I’ve never hit Hui. At least, not in that way. Never with any real anger. But I’ve been suspended a lot. Technically I was expelled from 7th grade for a while before mom convinced them to let me back in.”\n\n\tThe mole girl leaned herself in more and offered her face up, a big eager smile beaming over her face. “Master, if you are upset, you know you can always take it out on your little punching bag, right?”\n\n\tHe gripped her face, and he stared at her. No words. Not for the longest time. He just… looked at her. Deep into her eyes. Sadness once again filling those blue orbs. Suddenly Gretchen didn’t want to look at them quite as much. Suddenly, it hurt.\n\n\t“I’m not as good as Hui thinks I can be.” He finally sighed. “When it comes to brains I’m an imposter. When it comes to brawn I’m just an overgrown chuunibyou. I’m just a big, dumb brute. And I don’t mean like that whole thing Hui really likes to push some times with the big dumb colonizing eurofur and the captured village girl… You know what, never mind.”\n\n\t“I mean, s-she has told me about that one, Master.” The temptation was there to try and ease his mind with sexy talk. Really though it was just typical Gretchen failing once more to say anything any actual person would want to hear. She instead bowed her head and returned to the position she’d been holding, all the while feeling her digger claws digging into her palm. “S-sorry.”\n\n\t“No, it’s…” he sighed. “I blew up at work today. Car work not dommie work. I don’t ‘like’ that me. I don’t want that to be me. I kept telling myself that I could finish off that part of myself. I even told myself it was part of why I let that woman do the things she did for so long. Hell, I haven’t even told you any real details from ‘that’ either have I?”\n\n\t“You don’t have to-” Gretchen was once again cut off, though this time by the otter’s paw dragging her face up and his soft lips pressing firmly against hers. The kiss lasted only a moment, after which he leaned back and sighed gently. Once again running a finger though her hair and back behind one of her ears.\n\n\t“I just wanted you to know that I know where I stand, and I know what I am. I’m trying to be better, but you don’t need to try and force things with me. You don’t need to feel obligated or anything. I said the same thing to Hui, but she’s had way more time to get to know me. So you don’t have to force yourself to do anything just because you think it’s the ‘right’ thing to do or what a ‘proper’ slave does.”\n\n\tJust like that Gretchen’s brain was a thirty car pileup. So many responses came at once. Some screamed, some sobbed, some painfully clinical. Everything rushed though her mind at lightning speed. The kind of reflexive thought usually reserved for math or her own near constant stream of self loathing. She could, very distantly, feel her muzzle open and close again. For all the power those responses had in her brain they had each worn themselves out before reaching her mouth. Instead she simply slumped, whimpered, and let out a hollow little “Okay, Master.”\n\n\tAnother long pause as Gretchen fidgeted and twisted. She still had so much to say, so many things that refused to leave her lips. All of it dissolving into nasal little whimpers until she was finally able to at least make herself look up at him again. “T-this one is still your loyal slave, Master. And I hope you haven’t decided to change your mind about going with me to the party.”\n\n\t“Do you still want me?” The shaky voice otter scoffed.\n\n\tIf nothing else Gretchen was able to give him a firm nod. It didn’t do much to hide the tears in her eyes or the frustration on her face. Yet another curse of her eternal weakness.\n\n\t“Alright, if you wish, little one.” He sighed. “And I do promise to give you some proper time being used if that’s what you really want. Just… I’m sorry I can’t do it right now. Not when I’m like this.”\n\n\t“This one exists for your pleasure, Master” The cringe worthy line was somehow far easier to say than all the things Gretchen actually wanted to voice. Yet again she felt betrayed by her own weakness. But she smiled all the same, because it was at least true. “Please let it know whenever you’d like to play.”\n", "writing_bbcode_parsed": "Collared Chapter 28: Frustration
By TerraMGP

\t“Yo, College boy!”

\tThat nickname. Suddenly every shred of Justin’s body was a knot of tensed muscle and rage. He looked up from the bleeder line he’d just set and over to the next bay. Rami was there. The old feline was 30 pushing 45. Not bad looking, but gangly and wearing years of hard living in his fur. He stood next to an older Dodge Dart with a large chrome handle poking out of it.

\tJustin didn’t argue. He didn’t even bring up how stupid the nickname was when there were plenty of other people in the garage who had gotten some form of degree. Sure he was the only one actively going to school now. But it was still annoying as fuck.

\t“Say, kid. You mind helping me out? Starter is stuck in there good.” Rami gestured to the engine bay and gave the foot long handle of his biggest socket wrench a gentle tug.

\tIn spite of himself, Justin had to peek in. His loose tank top hung down in a way that almost made him slap it back to his chest before someone saw him lewdly exposing his flat trap chest. Then he remembered that it was likely nobody gave a shit. If anything being bashful in here would only get him teased more.

\tInstead he kept his mouth shut and leaned down until he could get a good look at the problem. It would have been easier if he’d remembered his flashlight, but even that wasn’t really needed.

\tRust. The whole bracket for the starter was rusted out, and the bolt that wasn’t covered by a socket already looked half-stripped.

\t“Sooo, what’s this?” Justin felt himself shifting side to side in the hopes of getting a bit more light on the thing. None of the movements really seemed to help.

\tRami shrugged and crouched down a bit “It’s just what it looks like, ese. Already doused it with a whole can of WD-40. But I don’t think I got the back muscles to bust these things loose anymore.” He slammed a fist on the small of his back to play up the pain he supposedly felt. All comically exaggerated, all with a dumb damn smile on his muzzle.

\tJustin, for his part, sighed and bit his lip. The more pointed and vulgar comments he had in his back pocket wouldn’t fix anything. “You could just use the impact wrench, right?”

\t“You kidding, kid?” Rami scoffed “That’s a good way to strip the whole damn thing out. Here, you just give that handle there a few good yanks and it’ll come free. I gotta take lunch.”

\tThe older mechanic didn’t even leave an opening to question things. By the time Justin had looked up he was already on his way out of the door, a pack of Newport’s pulled from his sleeve.

\tNaturally. It always played out that way. So why should it be any different this time? There he was, the part timer left alone in the garage yet again. The role of designated blame-sink seemed to be his destiny. Accepting it, the young man wrapped both paws around the tool and gave it a small tug. He gave a few more once he was sure the first one hadn’t snapped the bolt head clean off, then hauled himself up and reared back as best he could. It was a struggle to get proper footing while putting more and more of his weight on things. There was a worry of damaging the bumper or a panel while he slowly ramped the force up.

\tNothing seemed to work. If anything it felt as if every few tugs managed to wriggle the socket off of the bolt head. All the while the rage built, until finally he hauled himself up and slammed one boot on the tire. He pulled back on the rubber-clad bar with every ounce of strength he had.

\tA clang, a ping, swearing, screaming.

\tThe wrench lay on the garage floor now. White pain swirled in the otter boy’s vision until it finally came back to see the dirty cement floor and watch himself instinctively bouncing on his tiptoes. His thumb ached and his left paw was jammed under his right arm, compressed down as hard as he could manage.

\t“Mother fucking son of a stupid god damn whore!” Each word hissed though clenched fangs. From the corner of his eye he could see a nice big gouge into the car’s paint and to his horror the head of the bolt he’d been pulling on now lay under the car’s front tire. He snarled once more and screamed in rage, hammering his boot into the tire itself over and over again. Each impotent kick against the car nearly sent him off balance and shifted his body in a way that flared the pain in his joint.

\tWhen the pain had finally dulled enough he collapsed against the side of the car and pulled his hand free. The thumb joint closest to the hand was somewhat swollen. Worse, it looked like whenever he’d pop his thumb out of joint. Except it wasn’t the thumb join the could pop, and was shoved far further than it should be for just double jointed grossouts.

\t“Oh, Jesus fuck.”

--------------------

\tOzzy was out of the house. Willa was busy in her room working on Etsy things. The plans had already been made, but for Gretchen it felt like everything was falling perfectly into place. She had on her ‘special bra’. It was just a bra with padding and thumbtacks in it. She’d made it years ago but hadn’t used it much in any play since her Master had decided they should all ‘take it slow’. It was joined by the shortest skirt she owned and an overly-large Tee shirt with an Ahegao face clipped from some hentai doujin. She didn’t know which one. The people who sold it on Amazon probably didn’t either. It didn’t matter. It was cute. As cute as she was ever going to get without help.

\tShe could all but taste his dirty boot leather on her lips. She could smell that mix of motor oil and allegedly D&D character themed body scent he always used. She could all but feel the newest round of body writing she’d put on herself. ‘Critical hit’ and ‘weak point’ on either thigh with arrows going right up between her legs. ‘Disposable Onahole’ on her chest. A bunch of ‘Zelda’ style empty heart containers with one and a half of them full on her ass, that alone had taken a good solid hour to get right.

\tBut she was ready. She was so far beyond ready. Her whole body ached with eager anticipation. She shut her eyes and lifted her chin just high enough to keep her collar presented. Heavy breaths forced in though her eternally stuffed nose as she waited eagerly for her cruel prince to arrive.

\tAnd then he did. The door burst open. Her heart rose and fluttered. School girl squeals wriggling awkwardly in her throat with all the grace of the comedy occult girl in any given anime. Those happy squeals evaporated just as quickly as they came. A cheap compression bandage, one vaguely similar to the warm rich brown of his fur, was pulled over his left paw. Her Master dragged himself into the house slowly and kicked the door behind him. His whole body was trembling. His body twitched now and again. He stopped short and just stood there, staring at her. Staring though her. She didn’t even dare move forwards to kiss his shoe.

\t“Master?” She choked the word out “A-are you ok?”

\tHe kept an eye on her for a few moments, but still kept walking. Justin didn’t bother to kick his shoes off, to drop his coat, he didn’t even touch her. “No.” He finally grumbled “I’m not ok.” With that the otter hammered his way up the stairs and into his room, slamming the door shut after.

--------------------

\tA more rational man might have worried about slamming the door. The ear splitting reverberations of old wood on old wood were enough to scare anyone sensible at the prospect of cracking or damaging the run down and poorly kept old house. Justin wasn’t that man right now. In truth he never was.

\tHe collapsed on his shitty twin mattress and rolled on to his back with his hips and everything below hanging off of it. A few moments on his knees like that and he then rolled over, looking up at the ceiling. Nothing had changed. The bubbling, shaking, impotent rage was already back. It rolled over him, swallowing him up. Months of working to quell these stupid, useless feelings once again eroded out from under him. Falling away like fragile dirt stairs leaving him to backslide into the abyss.

\tSome part of him knew he should feel bad. The way he’d just brushed off Gretchen. None of this was her fault. Then again, it was nothing more than the simple consequence of being around him.

\tSent home early again. That hadn’t happened since the bike garage. He’d almost forgotten how it felt to finally lose it. That numb all consuming frustration which lay just below the surface. How his body would fail to respond the way he wanted. Every little object knocked down or harmless interaction with another fur would redouble it and make it flare in his mind. The worse it got, the worse his control over himself grew. Hate he knew he shouldn’t feel mixing with frustration at his ever worsening ability to do even the simplest task.

\t“That’s who you are, when you scratch the surface.” The voice was his, but not his. Justin rolled his head to the side, and saw him. A snot nosed twelve year old brat of an otter. Sitting there in an overly large leather coat, resting his ass on the desk without a care for the things he was crushing, dirty doc martins resting on his computer chair.

\t“What kind of shitty Tommy Oliver coma dream fuckery is this.” Justin snarled.

\tThe ‘younger’ him rolled his eyes and huffed “Oh please. Don’t try that ‘Old lore’ nerd shit with me. You only know who that is because you watched that power rangers retrospective. And don’t go trying to pretend like this is some ‘going crazy’ anime moment. You know what you’re doing.”

\tIt seemed the rage wasn’t the only thing Justin was slipping back into. He’d often done theoretical arguments with others. Especially when he was younger. Long drawn out periods in his own head of yelling at historical or fictional figures. Some odd mental exercise he was never quite in full control of, like a lucid dream but waking. “Haven’t done this in a while I guess.” He sighed. “Certainly not with myself.”

\t“Because you’re ashamed of yourself.” The other him was quick to correct. “Because you’ve spent half a year now trying to be something you’re not and it’s not working. So now this is happening.”

\tJustin snatched one of the cheap knickknacks he hoarded on his bedside and chucked it at the imaginary ‘him‘. He went to grab another, only to instead pause and begin fiddling with its arm. Some cheap knockoff transformers toy from Big Lots. Something simple to fidget with. He didn‘t even pretend to guess at why he bought things like this anymore. As he fussed with the idle movements adjusting the toy the cliché phrase replayed in his head. The lack of focus causing his train of thought to skip like a CD. The thoughts stilled while he sprayed and then quickly wiped away the thick layer of dust. They stilled right up until he collapsed into his chair waiting for his body to pass though another bout of executive dysfunction.

\tHe collapsed back into his bed and looked up at the ceiling. He knew he should do something to take his mind off of things. Perhaps just something as simple as cleaning up. But it was so hard. Not physically, but every time he got one thing done his brain seemed to just switch off. It didn’t help that he could easily imagine that younger, stupider him sneering, laughing at him with the same kind of snotty contempt he had always held for ‘normies’.

\t“I’m just trying to do something right for once.” Justin muttered to himself.

\t“Because we’ve always done the ‘right’ thing. Right? Like you totally pulled your knife and gutted Ms. Blake when the bitch decided to start trapping us?”

\t“That’s not-” He paused. It was the truth. Sadly his brain did seem to do that when he got like this. Tell the truth. About how he felt. He remembered that night. The Gym teacher luring him and Collin in. The threat of a porn manga she’d found. He couldn’t let his parents find out, especially not when it was Hui who’d given it to him.

\tIt had been his big chance. A disgusting feeling crept over the young man as he made that little self-confession. She’d raped them. She’d blackmailed them. She’d degraded him and his best friend. It was the kind of scenario the old him dreamed of. Because it was the kind of thing where he’d be justified in giving in. He could be violent. The kind of violent he always wanted to be deep down. He could finally let all this rage out at something, someone deserving of it.

\t“She’d have kicked my ass.” He scoffed to himself, loud enough to wince and worry that someone had heard him.

\t“Knife beats fists.” The ‘other’ him corrected “And it’s not like she would be expecting it.”

\tBack at the start of senior year when the whole thing had taken place, Justin had spent quite a few nights replaying that first little ‘session’ in his head. He remembered showing up to the motel with Collin. The illegal as fuck switchblade he’d had in his pocket. Back then he spent whole nights just playing the fight out in his head. Painting the room with blood like a panel from Berserk. The borderline dagger in his paw ripping though the perverted woman oh so very easily.

\tIt was stupid., ‘He’ was stupid. If he’d been smart he would have avoided it by not going. He would have fessed up. Called the cops. Done something a grown ass adult would do. But he didn’t. He didn’t do the adult thing. He didn’t let his rage slip, either. He just… went along with it. He allowed it to happen. Allowed ‘her’ to happen.

\tWorse than that. Far, far worse. A part of him had liked it.

\t“You’re not upset that you liked it.” Another theoretical voice hit him. Justine. The voice he always attributed to that little persona of his. The haughty, bored, gothy, ‘Wednesday Addams on a bad day’ voice that now made him money.

\tHe could see her too. The gothy otter girl. In his minds eye sitting to one side of him while ‘old’ Justin sat on the other. The kind of thing his brain always cooked up when he was too tired or too stressed to reign in his racing thoughts.

\t“I hope I remembered to take my Adderall with the other stuff today.” He sighed. It would explain the low focus. The antidepressants took a while to fade and then hit like a truck. But the ADHD shit was immediate.

\tFlashes of imaginary violence butted up against memories of taking thick wolverine dick down his muzzle. Any time the young man tried to focus on one, the other slipped in instead. He’d been shoving both down for quite a while now. Back in his early teens Justin often found himself playing out absurd little combat choreography that had more in common with a fighting game in the training screen than any sort of real world combat. It never really worked out that way. Most of the times he’d gone in on bullies they ended up getting the upper hand after a few blows, or a teacher would break it up and suspend him.

\tYet when he tried to drive away those silly fantasies of air-juggling Tabs, his brain instead leapt to Justine. The little Dommie-in-training trying to learn from a real, grown up dominant. The stupid little high school senior sissy on her knees in some back ally licking at the teacher’s heavy balls with eyes locked on those of her ‘auntie’.

\tThe fact that Justin was at least a bit turned on by this mostly-memory didn’t do his mood any favors. Especially when his anger at it slipped back in to ideas of walking up to her in the public library with one of his big ass mall-swords. The things he used to get with Christmas money back before the plastic crack of 40K started devouring his meager high school funds.

\tHe was away from that now. He wasn’t the edgy little shit looking to live out his anime fantasies. He wasn’t his gym teacher’s little victim.

\t“But you still like using me.” Justine laughed. God but Justin hated it when his brain did that. He tried to imagine something else ‘she’ would say out of spite, but nothing came, so he let the other end of the imaginary conversation sit.

\t“Justine is a way to help make up for how shit I get paid doing twenty hours or less in the shop.” He muttered.

\t“True.” The feminine him would have said, the him in the gothy outfit with her thick clunky boots perched on the chair and her rump on the desk. “And most of the fat slobs and grody old men are pretty gross. It gets really old caning someone’s balls while he calls you by his grandkid’s name.” Justin never had verification that’s what they were doing. But in his mind it was pretty obvious that ‘Justine’ was an outlet for them. Someone doing the shit they couldn’t act out on an actual loved one or acquaintance.

\tThere were exceptions, though. “That Simon boy is pretty cute.” Justine noted. Crossing her legs seductively at the idea of the chipmunk boy that had probably been one of Justin’s favorite ‘clients’ so far. Probably because he was properly ‘adorkable’ and clearly not too much older than the otter himself. There was also that older Collie milf into the idea of being corrupted, and the pony girl who was actually making Justin flex some race play chops again. Albeit some less comfortable ones, especially since the woman also asked for a bit of Transphobia.

\t“It’s not the worst job.” he sighed “But it’s a job. That’s not real Domming. I can just shut off. If I go too far someone just decides not to show up again. If I do that with Gretchen, or hell even Hui…”

\t“Why would you go too far with them?” Even as a construct of his own self reflection, the sharp cut-in of the ‘younger’ him was profoundly annoying. God he was such a little asshole. He could easily see him sitting on the corner of the bed and leaning in, sneering, unwashed headfur falling down in front of his face. “They’re part of your harem. You think really cool guys like Naofumi or Hajime would ever hurt a member of their harem?”

\t“I really wish someone had beaten the shit out of you.” Justin sighed. Except they had. Many times. Usually for fights he at least partially initiated. Even then, it was how he used to think. This grating bundle of stupid was how he’d always been. It probably was him still, just below the surface. What had it taken to scratch that surface? A moment of frustration. A few seconds of pain? Something not working just the way he wanted and suddenly he blew up.

\tHe wasn’t some stupid edge lord anime protagonist. He wasn’t a power fantasy or wish fulfillment. He was some dumb brat kid with no focus trying like hell to make it though college and prove to everyone he was more than a burden. He was the failure of a boy that not one but two girls had hitched themselves to for inexplicable reasons. He was someone who’s parents kept bailing him out of bullshit for and who had to find some way he could support himself lest he leech away what few resources they had from his oncoming baby sister.

\tHe was a pampered, spoiled, overly lucky imposter who had spent the first half of his teens sure he wouldn’t make it to his 20s… and who still had small moments where he wondered if he’d make it to his 30s.

\t“Just keep following his advice.” It was the Justine voice again. He wished it wasn’t just his brain talking to itself and working though problems. He wished he was fucking crazy, that these were all things outside of his control. Because he knew what she meant. Ryan. The bastard. The cousin he’d trusted for so long, who then turned around and showed that he was no different than ‘her’.

\tThe young otter could still remember it. Last winter. Standing out there in the bitter cold, under the branches of a dead tree. The first two things Ryan had taught him. The first two bits of real, hard, foundational advice from a dominant rather than a rapist playing games.

\tConsent and communication.

\tHe hadn’t broken consent, not like Ryan had. Even if it was apparently mostly just play with the others who knew about it. But communication? Justin didn’t want to communicate any of this to Hui or Gretchen. He didn’t want to burden them. No, he didn’t want to show them the stupid little monster he really was.

\tYet even that thought felt profoundly edgelordy and stupid. Like he was hiding something genuinely sinister and low key cool rather than just not wishing to reveal what a loser he was.

\t“You have to tell them.” The younger him noted.

\t“He wasn’t wrong about this.” Justine added “Even if you hate him, he knows a lot.”

\tIt was stupid advice. Figments of his imagination spurting out things he absolutely didn’t want to address. Things he shouldn’t have to address. But they were his thoughts in the end. And they weren’t wrong. If nothing else, he owed both of his girls one thing if he was going to call himself a Dom.
\t
--------------------

\tGretchen hadn’t dared to knock on her Master’s door. She certainly wasn’t expecting anyone to knock on hers. The knock was so sudden it nearly sent her out of bed. So sudden, in fact, that she didn’t even stop to wonder what she was doing as she made her way to the door and opened it. All of the anger, the frustration, and especially the worry melted away as she saw Justin standing on the other side.

\tHe walked past her. Slipped his way over to her bed and sat on it without a shred of hesitation. His movements were different from before. Strong, confident. He still looked like someone who’d had their spirit dragged out behind a shed and beaten. Now, though, the young man was at least making an effort to push a smile though it.

\tHe pointed to the floor before him. Gretchen wasted no time in rushing forwards and kneeling before him. Back straight as she could manage, arms gripped behind her, legs apart, chest out. A position she knew he loved, the position she knew she was to take naturally whenever presenting to her owner. Hopefully something to soothe her Master a bit.

\tA paw met her cheek. Fingers caressing the downy mole fur for a few long tender moments. Gretchen felt like one of those electric balls at the gift stores. She could feel little lightning bolts of raw elation dancing along her face wherever he touched. She was barely even aware of drawing a heavy, ragged breath or the small yelps she made after.

\t“Good girl.” Justin sighed. “I am sorry about earlier.”

\t“Y-you don’t have to be sorry, Sir.” Gretchen’s stutter caused her to wince. “This toy exists for your pleasure. You hold no obligations to disposable property.”

\tEven as she said it Gretchen felt herself bracing for his refute. It never came. Instead he crooked a finger under her chin and tilted her muzzle up. He forced her gaze to meet his. Those shimmering blue eyes felt like two blocks of pure blue ice ready to smash down on top of her and god did she welcome it.

\t“I wish to explain, little one. And you’re going to listen. Do you understand?”

\tGretchen nodded. If she hadn’t been fully aware of the blush under her fur before she certainly was now. Her paws tensed up and she bit so hard on her lip it felt like she was going to hurt herself. The very idea of it caused her to loose a needy, dopey giggle-snort right from her throat while she pushed herself as much as she dared into his paw.

\tHer reward was a heartbreaking smile from her Master. A shift from the hollow one he’d worn a moment ago. It was at least more genuine. It simply stung to see him with it.

\t“I know I’m not Hui.” the otter boy sighed. Gretchen opened her mouth, and he put his thumb to her lips to silence her. “I know she’s who you fell for. I’m more just baggage. I’m sure if you were able to room with her and I was somewhere else you’d resent it every time I came over.” He kept his thumb in place to silence the inevitable responses. His big rudder tail swished a bit on the messy bed behind him. It was the only sign of just how much effort this all seemed to be taking for him. “I love Hui. A big part of that is she knows me. She knows me really well, and she doesn’t care. I used to keep telling myself I was just scamming her somehow. That she grew up around me so she was blind to everything. That wasn’t fair to her.”

\tOnce again Justin fell silent. He showed no signs of it, but Gretchen assumed the increased frantic twisting and swishing of his rudder was sign enough that he was agitated by all of this. Something deep down was eating him and the longer he went the more the words seemed to elude him.

\t“I get mad. A lot. What you’ve seen of me so far, that isn’t really me. I mean I’d like it to be. It’s still shitty, but it’s better than how I used to be. That’s not a high bar, though. I’m not really that smart. I’m stupid, and weak, and most of all I have a horrible temper. I’ve never hit Hui. At least, not in that way. Never with any real anger. But I’ve been suspended a lot. Technically I was expelled from 7th grade for a while before mom convinced them to let me back in.”

\tThe mole girl leaned herself in more and offered her face up, a big eager smile beaming over her face. “Master, if you are upset, you know you can always take it out on your little punching bag, right?”

\tHe gripped her face, and he stared at her. No words. Not for the longest time. He just… looked at her. Deep into her eyes. Sadness once again filling those blue orbs. Suddenly Gretchen didn’t want to look at them quite as much. Suddenly, it hurt.

\t“I’m not as good as Hui thinks I can be.” He finally sighed. “When it comes to brains I’m an imposter. When it comes to brawn I’m just an overgrown chuunibyou. I’m just a big, dumb brute. And I don’t mean like that whole thing Hui really likes to push some times with the big dumb colonizing eurofur and the captured village girl… You know what, never mind.”

\t“I mean, s-she has told me about that one, Master.” The temptation was there to try and ease his mind with sexy talk. Really though it was just typical Gretchen failing once more to say anything any actual person would want to hear. She instead bowed her head and returned to the position she’d been holding, all the while feeling her digger claws digging into her palm. “S-sorry.”

\t“No, it’s…” he sighed. “I blew up at work today. Car work not dommie work. I don’t ‘like’ that me. I don’t want that to be me. I kept telling myself that I could finish off that part of myself. I even told myself it was part of why I let that woman do the things she did for so long. Hell, I haven’t even told you any real details from ‘that’ either have I?”

\t“You don’t have to-” Gretchen was once again cut off, though this time by the otter’s paw dragging her face up and his soft lips pressing firmly against hers. The kiss lasted only a moment, after which he leaned back and sighed gently. Once again running a finger though her hair and back behind one of her ears.

\t“I just wanted you to know that I know where I stand, and I know what I am. I’m trying to be better, but you don’t need to try and force things with me. You don’t need to feel obligated or anything. I said the same thing to Hui, but she’s had way more time to get to know me. So you don’t have to force yourself to do anything just because you think it’s the ‘right’ thing to do or what a ‘proper’ slave does.”

\tJust like that Gretchen’s brain was a thirty car pileup. So many responses came at once. Some screamed, some sobbed, some painfully clinical. Everything rushed though her mind at lightning speed. The kind of reflexive thought usually reserved for math or her own near constant stream of self loathing. She could, very distantly, feel her muzzle open and close again. For all the power those responses had in her brain they had each worn themselves out before reaching her mouth. Instead she simply slumped, whimpered, and let out a hollow little “Okay, Master.”

\tAnother long pause as Gretchen fidgeted and twisted. She still had so much to say, so many things that refused to leave her lips. All of it dissolving into nasal little whimpers until she was finally able to at least make herself look up at him again. “T-this one is still your loyal slave, Master. And I hope you haven’t decided to change your mind about going with me to the party.”

\t“Do you still want me?” The shaky voice otter scoffed.

\tIf nothing else Gretchen was able to give him a firm nod. It didn’t do much to hide the tears in her eyes or the frustration on her face. Yet another curse of her eternal weakness.

\t“Alright, if you wish, little one.” He sighed. “And I do promise to give you some proper time being used if that’s what you really want. Just… I’m sorry I can’t do it right now. Not when I’m like this.”

\t“This one exists for your pleasure, Master” The cringe worthy line was somehow far easier to say than all the things Gretchen actually wanted to voice. Yet again she felt betrayed by her own weakness. But she smiled all the same, because it was at least true. “Please let it know whenever you’d like to play.”
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