Jonestown Tea, Director’s cut
“And it sounds like … Armageddon”
“Sounds like … Armageddon”
“Sounds like … come and drink with me …”
“Come and drink with me.”
Cup One
“Why?” The opossum preteen asked, looking over to the horse that sat in a large leather chair, pen in hand and clipboard in his lap. “Can I just go back to the orphanage?”
“Now Lilly you know why.” He said shaking his head a little, “you know why you have to come here, so why not just make it easy on both of us?” He asked, watching the marsupial slouching back on the sofa.
“I know why I’m here.” She said with a shrug, “I just want to know why you keep wanting me to talk about the same things over and over.” She paused for a moment, sucking in a breath as she shifted in place; she thought that she might be able to hide just how uncomfortable she felt, but the years and years of experience that the horse, Darwin had, he could read her like a book.
“It’s all part of the job.” He said letting out a soft sigh, “I know that it feels like we keep talking about the same things over and over, but each time we get a little closer to a breakthrough, a little closer to laying the feeling to rest, to help you get over what happened.”
“I hate to say it, but I don’t think that I will get over it… There is no amount of talking that will help me… No amount of words will bring her back… The only peace that I have is that he’s dead… Like I should be.” Lilly said drawing her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them, her eyes looking to the bandages around her wrists. “I’ll get over it when I’m dead and back with my mom, hopefully there is a heaven like they talk about. I mean that fucker…”
“Lilly, profanity isn’t needed.”
“Is dead and I still hate him more than anything…” She said without missing a beat, “he got off to easy… All of the tears… The fake tears…”
“This is why you’re here, to talk about what happened. Each time that we talk, you open up a little more and I get to see more and more of the events, and you may not know it, you may not feel it, but talking about it helps take some of the weight off of your chest.” The therapist said, the warm carning smile never leaving his muzzle.
“Fine.” Was all that she said as she laid down on the sofa, looking up to the ceiling, to the same bland tiles that she had looked at on religious bases at this point. “But you have to at least try and get me out of here soon, the beds here are sh….bad.”
“And I remember the smell, and the pain and the shame…”
“And I remember being afraid and thinking everyday,”
“Every single day… That it was my fault…”
“I remember…” She stared, sucking in a breath, nearly shivering at the thoughts that she was trying to piece together, all of it being a blur. “When it started… It was a sunday morning, mom just woke me up for church, you know the same ol’ same, happy family BS.” Everything seemed so normal, god I was so stupid… So blind to the world and what was happening… I should have known that something was happening, but I was in my own little world, happy, ignorant. I was in the closet, picking out the dress that I wanted and that’s when I heard them ‘talking’, or at least that's what they told me it was. They were fighting about me, about me going to the private school.” She shivered again, “you know, proof right there that it was all my fault.”
“Lilly, none of what happened was or is your fault, you were just a little girl when it all started happening.” Darwin started to say something else, scribbling down a few notes before opening his muzzle to say something, only to be cut off by Lilly.
“You wanted me to talk about my feelings… That’s how I feel, so, you do your job, let me do mine.” She said cutting him a glance before looking back up to the ceiling. “I remember the strange fear that I felt when I heard them ‘talking’... I didn’t know why I was so scared, I didn’t know why I was worried, I know now why, but then, there was just some fear, pure, nearly palpable. I got dressed and ready, and when mom came in to get me, that’s when I found out that he had hit her… Well… That’s the first time that I knew something was up, at least that was what the voice in the back of my head was yelling at me. I wasn’t sure that he had hit her, I guess that in my mind, I just wanted to believe her that it was a toothache, that the slapping sound that I heard was something else even if I couldn’t come up with what.”
“I know that it hurts to talk about all this.” Darwin said, taking note of the rogue tear that was forming in the corner of the opossum’s amethyst colored eyes. “Take your time.” He said pulling a tissue from the box on his desk and offering it to her.
“They ‘talked’ the whole way to church that day.” She said ignoring the offered tissue, wiping her eyes on the back of her furles paw. “Mom would tell me something about the school and he would come up with something for everything… We pulled into the parking lot of the church, I seemed to pull some courage from somewhere and I stupidly asked them if they were fighting, and of course they said no. Again, I should have known better, but I was too stupid to see that they were ‘talking’ just like a friend of mine’s parents, and she knew that they were fighting… I should know from that.” She paused again, shuddering a little as she started talking again. “‘Parents sometime talk like that when it comes to important things.’ I should have known better.”
“Well she wasn’t lying, some parents have conversations like that when it comes to their kids. Some people are just passionate or firey.” Darwin spoke up, causing the opossum to shoot up and onto her paws.
“I know the difference between people talking passionately, and people fighting, I’m not that stupid. I mean does it always end up with one of them dead? With one of them beating on the other? Is that normal? If that the case, then why the fuck am I here? I’m normal by your standard.” She hissed out, glaring at the horse, tail twitching behind her.
“Lilly, calm down, you know that’s not what I meant.” He said taking a breath, unshaken by the preteen’s outburst. “I meant that parents might disagree on something being the best for their child, it doesn't mean that they will always hit one another or anything like… It’s normal for people to argue.”
“Lilly stood there, glaring at her therapist for a moment or two longer, “It’s shit like that, that makes you no better than him. You know just as well as I do that they were doing more than arguring, more than that ‘talking’ bull shit that you, and them all feed me, teachers, officers and all.” She said hissing loudly before clinching her chest a little and falling back into the sofa. “I wish that it was just that… Oh how I wish it was just something simple like that, then I wouldn’t be here dealing with you and this shit.” She said leaning back, taking a deep breath, trying to calm herself a little. “I remember church being a drag, I fell asleep… And that was something else that he ‘talked’ about… Well more using it as ammunition against her.” She shuddered at her choice of words, “how if I couldn’t stay awake through a sermon at church that I wouldn’t be able to stay away in some private school classroom. They kept ‘talking’ the whole way to the gas station after church… Where he did the last nice thing that I can think of him doing for me. He got me some candy, some vailed gift as if to show that he was the good guy, and a case of beer… I’m pretty sure that was the day that he started really drinking… I know that he would have a beer sometimes with dinner, or when he was watching sports or something…”
“Lilly, I know that you’re upset about this, and I don’t care if you’re mad at me, but please, watch the vulgarities.” The horse said shaking his head a little. “Do you think that his drinking was caused by this? That his drinking made things worse?” Darwin asked, scribbling somethings on the clipboard that he had.
She just looked up from the floor and gave the horse a funny look before turning and laying back down and looking at the ceiling panel that she was still working on drilling through with her gaze alone. “I remember the ride home, mom and him ‘talking’ about the case of beer that he got, I was too lost in the fact that I had candy to pay attention, I slipped off to my own little world were I thought and hoped that things were better, or that this was just some kind of nightmare, trying to tune it all out if it was real. I remember when we got home… Asking them fighting, and getting the same… ‘No, sometimes grown ups just talk like that.’ Song and dance... “ Lilly went silent for a moment or two as she sat up, resting against the arm of the sofa, just looking off into space, avoiding the other person in the room. “I remember when we got home, after all of that, rushing off to my room to play, watch TV or something, just wanting to think that things would go back to normal if I wished hard enough… Fairy tales are all lies and a lot more F’d up than people make them out… Anyway, I was wrong… I remember laying there, drawing or coloring something, I had to get up for something, for a drink or something… I don’t even remember what or why I really got up, but I started down the hall, stopping at the doorway into the living room, I could hear them ‘talking’ again, so I stood there watching and listening… I remember my body, my legs most of all being heavy, lead, stone, something. I remember seeing him lifting his hand to her, seeing mom flinching when he did, that was when that same fear came rushing back to me. I wanted to scream, I wanted to run, I wanted it over. I turned on my heels, covering my muzzle and nearly stumbling over my own tail to get back to my room, I just wanted to color, to pretend that this wasn’t happening more so, for the fear to go away… I think that was the moment that the fear sparked the hate…”
“Lilly, you know you don’t have to push yourself. You have talked about a lot today, you have made a lot of progress.” Darwin said, taking note that Lilly had brought her knees up to her chest, hugging them close as she spoke, still looking off at the wall. “We can just sit here and listen to some soft music if you want.” The horse said, seeing the tears forming in the corners of her eyes.
“I remember the rest of the day going ‘normal’ or as close to it as it could, given what happened, though I think that I spent more time hiding in my room were I felt some kind of safe… And then came bath time. I remember… Mom being there, helping with my hair, brushing it after the detangler, I had long hair, nearly as long as her’s, just about to my tail base.” Lilly said, reaching up to tussle her short, sorta shaggy hair. “And then I remember him.” She shook a little as she started speaking again, it was clear to the adult that she was fighting back sobs and whimpers. “He came to the door… The sight of him standing there… The slur in his voice… The way that he looked at me… That look, it… It scared me and I didn’t know why.” She paused again, taking a few deep breaths before starting again, her voice shaking and cracking more. “I remember that night… I remember the screams, the sounds, all of it… It was the start of it all. It… I… I can hear them screaming… I can hear her asking why, pleading with him to stop… Not to do this… That she was sorry… Make it stop!” She sobbed out, her paws reaching up to cover her ears as she hid her face in her knees.
“Oh, but what happened to that little girl?”
“Who used to dream of one day ruling the world,”
“Who used to draw pretty pictures in my room, beneath the moon”
“Destroying to create”
“Softly praying to ‘God’”
“Lilly, breath, in and out, nice and slow… In.... Out…” Darwin said as he reached out to her, she was sobbing loudly now. The moment that his paw came to rest on her shoulder she stopped making any sound, freezing up, locking up as if she lived up to her namesake and was playing ‘possum.
“Not again!” She hissed out, “I’m not going to let you do it again!” You’re not going to hurt us again.” She yelled out, lunging at the male, trying her damndest to fight against the non attacker, lost in her mind as it replayed twisted past events. In her mind, she knew that she had to fight back this time, that this was her chance to stop at least some of the things from happening again, the searing pains, the welts, scratches and blood.
“Lilly!” The male called out as she slammed against him with all the force that a preteen runt could muster, doing everything in her power to claw, bite, punch, anything that would hurt her ‘attacker’. “It’s me, Darwin, your therapist.” He said, managing to get a hold of her and getting her into a position where she couldn’t hurt him or herself. “Calm down, deep breaths… In… Out…” he whispered, holding her, rocking a little bit. He held her there, using his size to keep her at bay, but the way that he did it, it was in a caring way, in a way that seemed to tell her that he wasn’t going to hurt her. Slowly the sounds of her hisses and curses died down, turning back into sobbing and panting, that’s when Darwin’s embrace faltered in the slightest.
“You can let me go anytime.” She said, her voice still shaky, as she tried to break away from the male. She didn’t say anything as she went back to the sofa, curling back up on it. “This is why I don’t want to talk about it… I just keep going back to that day when it all started and reliving it over and over, and just wanting to be dead… I’m just so tired, and I want to sleep… Just let me close my eyes and not open them, is that too much to want?”
“Don’t worry, I know that you wouldn’t hurt me on purpose.” He said looking down at her, offering her a smile. “And no, there’s still a plan for you. It’s almost time to go back to your room… Would you like something to drink?”
“Ye… Yeah.” She said as she sat there holding her knees to her chest, looking at her arms and the bandages there, covering her newest set of soon to be scars.
“All right.” He said getting up and walking to the corner of his office, were he had a case of bottled water before grabbing one for him and one for her. “Just relax.” He said handing her the bottle.
“Not really.” She muttered to herself as she took the bottle. “I’d rather go back in time.” She said, opening the bottle and taking a drink from it.
“Feeling better? You did make a lot of progress today.” The male said as he scribbled some more notes before looking up to the opossum, whose gaze shot somewhere else when he did.
“Really?” Lilly asked, playing with the label on her bottle. “I still hate him more than anything, and I still just want to sleep forever. It’s been like three days and I don’t feel any different.”
“I know, and honestly, you’re going to have those feelings for a long time.” He said setting his bottle on his desk. “With the trauma that you have been through, it’s going to take time.” He said with a nod.
“I don’t want to spend a long time here.” She said shaking her head and glancing around the room. “I don’t like having someone watching my every move, sitting by my bed all the time.” She said still fiddling with the label on the bottle.
“Well there is a reason for that.” Darwin said setting the clipboard on his desk leaning forward, looking right at the bandages on Lilly’s arms, namely the one around her left wrist. “You tried to kill yourself.”
“Yeah.” She said rather flatly, looking up to the therapist. “What do I have to live for? My mom is dead, none of my family wants anything to do with me… I have been been in that place for how long now?” She paused, shaking her head a little, “I guess that the one good thing is that he’s dead, and I don’t ever have to see him again… Oh and next time I’ll go up and down, not left and right.”
“Lilly sweetie, you have a lot to live for.” Darwin said warmly, “I know that it hurts that your family doesn’t want anything to do with you, it just means that they are missing out on what a fine young woman that you’re growing into. I’m sure that you have made a few friends at the orphanage, and I’m sure that there’s something that you like to do in your free time.”
“Fine young woman? Really? That’s a funny way of saying that I’m some mentally screwed up, suicidal mistake.” Lilly said going back to looking at the label on her water bottle. “And yeah… It’s kinda hard to make friends when everyone thinks that you’re some kind of freak.”
“You’re not a freak, or mistake, or mentally screwed up.” He said shaking his head a little, “we all go through hardships, some of us go through ones that are tougher than the others, and yes, it might feel like it’s hopeless, that it feels like we are just banging our heads against the wall and that death would be an easy out… It’s not… It’s never the answer. WIth the help of people like me, friends, Amanda and more, you can get through it, and you will be stronger for it. You will be able to get out there and live life to the fullest… You know, what would your mother think about this?”
“You know, saying things like that just reminds me that I am a screw up.” She said looking down to the floor. “It just makes me think more of how much of a failure that I am… That if I had done something more, or something else that I might have been able to change things. That I just want to see her again… But I know that she would want me to keep living and grow up, and that life I dreamed of…”
“Well there you go. There’s what you have to live for.” He said offering that same warm smile. “You have to live for her, live your life, live the life that you dreamed of.”
“As much as I want to, not matter how much work I put into that, no matter how well I achieve that, there is one thing that will be missing, my mother.” She said shaking her head. “I don’t even know what kind of life I want to live now anyways.”
“Just because your mother isn’t living doesn’t mean that she isn’t with you.” He said sitting up, pointing to her chest. “Your mother will always be right there. Right in your heart… And as long as you live and try to be happy, she will be there for you, there with you, cheering you on.” It was about then that there was a knock at the door. “It looks like your nurse is here.” Darwin said as he stood up, watching the opossum getting up.
“I don’t know if I hate you or if I should thank you.” She said shaking her head a little as the door creaked open.
“I’d rather you like me, but I know that trust takes time.” He said smiling to her, “now, you go get some rest, and remember what we talked about, and I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“How are you feeling Lilly?” The voice belonging to a female bear that had poked her head into the office, smiling warmly to the opossum.
“Still bad.” She said in a near whisper as the bear stepped into the room, Camilla written on her badge. The nurse and one of the caretakers that got assigned to Lilly when she was brought into the hospital a few days ago after her failed suicide attempt. Sweet, motherly, but there was something about her that just made the preteen feel like she would be able to be stern and put a paw down if it came down to it.
“You know that you can talk to me anytime, I mean it’s why I’m here.” She said smiling warmly, motherly, showing the years of practice that she had under her belt.
“I know… It’s… It’s nothing.” Lilly said sniffling a little, “I’m ok, just tired and ready for this to be all over with and back into my bed even if it’s lumpy.
“Sweetie, I know that there is something more than that.” Camila said as she turned the opossum around to face her. “I don’t know what happened in your past for you to want to kill yourself, but I know that keeping it bottled up isn’t going to help it. And I’m sure that you’re tired of hearing that from Darwin.” She said kneeling to Lilly’s level, “And when things get to this point.” She said reaching out and taking the opossum’s hand and holding it up to show off the bandages that covered her stitched up wrist. “Then there is something that you need help with, and there is nothing wrong with asking for help.”
“You really sound like Darwin.” She said with a little shrug, pulling her hand back and looking at her wrist. “He has told me that there are people out there like him, and you that are here to help and all that, but I just don’t think that there is any help for someone like me, hell, I’m not sure that I even want the help at this point… I’m just tired… I miss her… And I want it all to be done and over with.”
There was a moment of silence between the two before Lilly felt the older bear pulling her into a hug. Lilly didn’t say anything, she just closed her eyes and tried to enjoy the hug and the comfort that it should have brought her. For the first time in a long time, she could feel herself starting to relax in just the slightest. The feeling of Camilla’s soft fur rubbing against her, the scent of her perfume, it all felt so familiar, painfully so, to painfully real. The preteen knew the scent from somewhere but she couldn’t put her finger on it. At least she couldn’t until the memories started to hit her like harsh waves hitting a beach before a storm. She knew the scent of the perfume, she could almost name the brand, she could nearly taste it… It was that perfume that her mother would wear to church… The sweet smell of flowers, jasmine and night pea if she remembered right; in the past it was something that would make her happy no matter how bad she felt, it would lift her up. Not this time, the now sickening smell just brought up the pains of losing her and knowing that she wouldn’t have her back no matter what. It brought up the still fresh pains of her talking to Darwin moment’s ago.
“No!” The preteen mewled out, starting to struggle, pulling away from the hug. “Let me go!” She said, nearly hissing at this point, the sound coming out like a cross between a whimper and the hiss.
“Sweetie, are you ok?” The bear asked, relaxing her grip as the opossum broke away from her. No sooner than she asked that, Lilly took off running down the closest hallway, not even sure were she was running at this point, the only thing that she knew was that she wanted, no needed to get away from the smell and the memories. “Lilly, come back here! You can’t just run off like that.” Camila said as she stood up, rushing after the opossum. For the most part, Lilly was able to keep ahead of her, thanks to the head start that she had gotten.
“No!” Lilly cried out, her voice cracking as she rushed off, already huffing and panting a little as she ran through the hospital, dodging between people and random things alike. That’s when she saw it, the bathroom sign, she threw herself into the door as she ran in and to the stall on the end. Sitting there on the toilet, her knees up to her chest and her tail held up off of the floor as she tried to breath and hide, trying to forget, trying to wish herself out of existence again.
“Lilly sweetie, are you in here?” The voice of her nurse called out from just outside the bathroom. “Sweetie, I’m here for you, I’m here to help but you have to tell me what it is.” She said as she walked into the bathroom, greeted with the sounds of someone sobbing softly. “Lilly, please talk to me.”
“No, just stay away from me.” Lilly hissed out, hugging her knees to her chest tighter, her tail coming to wrap around her. “Just go away and leave me alone.”
“Lilly, you have to talk to me.” The bear said calmly as she started pushing the stall door open, only to have Lilly kick out and slam the door shut and holding it there with all of her strength. And you know that I can’t go away, I have to make sure that you’re ok.”
“I don’t care, don’t come near me.” The preteen hissed out as she held the door shut. “You smell like she did, you’re making the memories come back and I don’t want it.” She said, her strength faltering a little and allowing the nurse to get the door open, being met with the sight of the angry, hurt opossum.
“You mean the perfume?” Camilla asked, tilting her head a little, “I’m sorry sweetie. I didn’t know about that, let’s get you back to your room and I will see what I can do about this.” She said offering her hand to Lilly, only getting a hiss out of her. The bear didn’t lower her hand, or show any signs of backing down or fear of the opossum, just keeping that same warm smile.
“I said keep away… You’re not helping me, you’re making it worse.” The opossum just glared as she hissed at the nurse, there was something in the back of her mind that did tell her she was just trying to help her, that she didn’t know that the perfume that her mother had warn, that the scent had left such a hold and scar on the poor opossum. “You’re just making the memories come back.” LIlly hissed out as she started shaking harder, tears starting to stream down her cheeks in painful rivers, furless paws grasping her chest.
“Lilly, sweetie, I need you to calm down.” She said, still just as calm and collected as she could be, paw still held out in a sign of peace and trust, though that’s not how the opossum saw it. The paw that was held out to her was there to take her, and drag her deeper into the memories, deeper into the pain. “Breath… In… Out…” She chanted softly, trying to get the preteen to do the same, all the while, reaching for the call button on the wall, doing her best to take her time, trying not to spook her any more than she was.
“I can’t.” The opossum gasped out, covering her nose and muzzle. “You smell like her and I don’t want the memories to come back… You just want them to come back and for me to suffer.” She said, her glare faltering for a second as she saw were the bears other paw was. “See… You’re doing it now.” She said, wanting to run, just run, to get away from this; but she was cornered, and like a cornered animal, she was ready to fight. Then she saw it, her opening, the moment that the bear glanced to the wall were the call button was. In a flash, her paws hit the floor and she pushed past the nurse and started for the door.
She ran as fast as she could, panting and gasping as she held her chest, turning a corner and stopping, thinking that she was some kind of safe, paw pressed against the wall as she tried to breath, but the respite didn’t last. A voice calling out that they found her. She looked up to see a male nurse standing there, ready to grab at her.
“No, get away.” She said, hissing at him, trying to stand up and act tough as she could. “I’m not going to let you hurt me.”
“I’m not going to hurt you, we just want to help.” He said holding a paw, “now come on, let's get you back to Camilla.” He said trying his best.
“No!” She said thrusting her arms forward, pushing the male, casing him to stumble a little as she started trying to run past him, but before she could, he had his arms around her.
“Calm down, we have you, you’re safe.” The male said, trying to hold her through her struggling and wiggling, soon letting out a yawl as teeth digging into his arm.
“Lilly no!” Another male voice called out as someone came rushing up, a paw covering her nose in an attempt to get her to let go. “Lilly, stop this right now!” Darwin said, holding her nose before she gasped.
“Let me go, you just want to hurt me… I know it, you’re friends with him…” She hissed out, it was clear that she was lost in her memories again. “I won’t… I wo… Le… Ag..” Her voice faltered again, her body going limp. The male that was holding her and the sigh of Darwin standing in front of her was just to much for the stressed marsupial, but at least now she could get a little peace as she floated in a dark sea of unconsciousness.
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