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In Shadow's case, that just so happens to be the child that was taken from him that day in the hospital. ^u^", "writing": "[center][b][u]Exploring The Deep Woods[/u][/b][/center]\n\n[b][u]Shadow's POV[/u][/b]\n\n[i]'The 12th of November 2016,\nI may have found a new place to visit. It's somewhere way up North, completely removed from any kind of civilisation. A deep, endless forest, barely explored so they say. I'll be going there for my next project.\nI'll be alone. Like always. No cellphone reception, no guide, nothing.\nVisitors aren't exactly allowed because most of it is still so unexplored, but you shouldn't worry. I've done this plenty of times before and have survived worse. I have all the survival skills needed to make it out alive on my own should I run out of food, though I should have enough to last me the entire trip.\nI will be back in two weeks, hopefully with new photos to add to my gallery. Some may even make my wallet very happy.\nSo this is me signing of for now.\nI will return in exactly two weeks tops.\n- Shadow'[/i]\n\n\"And post.\" I stated, talking out loud to myself as was often my habit, and pressed 'submit' to upload my latest message unto my site, which will be the last one for quite a while.\nThe location I was going to was completely devoid of reception, so I'd be going dark for the entire time that I'm gone. It was better to post something now before people would worry. Strangely enough, I do have people following this blog.\nI wouldn't call myself a blogger. I was a photographer. The blog just helps me show off the pictures I've taken and helps me sell them too.\nI was successful, so that was really the only job I practised.\nIt made me feel lucky. Not many people can make this their full-time job and especially not when they don't like to take pictures of people.\nMobians, humans... I don't like to stand in a stuffy studio all day and simply take photos of boring people all day, six days out of seven a week.\nDoesn't mean I never tried it because I did. I rented a place to set up a business of my own, just like my parents wanted me to.\nParents... What a joke.\nI took portraits, group photos, hired models, took on assignments, ... I often had to take pictures of families too. They'd come to me with their children, with their newborns...\nAlways was I reminded of their smell, of their small size, of their soft fur or skin. Each time it became harder to say goodbye to a new client and even harder to say hello to another reminder.\nSo I decided to quit, after which my parents quickly broke contact with me because I had disappointed them again.\nPhotographs of people were replaced by interesting animals, my studio replaced by grand landscapes, my parents by peaceful loneliness.\nI've been doing this for close to seven years now and I was running a successful blog on which I often sold a picture or two, sometimes even the occasional book that contained whole galleries of certain themes or places.\nIt was because of this that my parents had a change of heart and decided to contact me again three years ago, stating how they always knew their dear boy would make a name for himself someday and that they had never been more proud.\nLike an absolute idiot, I let them poison my life again.\nMaybe that's why I always visit such far off places, to get away from them.\nPushing myself up from my deskchair, I left my study for my bedroom in this quite spacious apartment and found my backpack ready and packed on my bed.\nFood, water, flashlight, extra batteries, camera, lenses, I had everything that I needed right with me. I've checked my checklist so many times, I couldn't be more sure.\nSoon enough, I'd find myself in the comfort of solitude again. No cars, no nightclubs blasting music all damn night, no smelly air, no loud neighbours, no parents, just generally no people. Instead I'd be surrounded by nature, animals, and comforting ambient noises.\nI looked forward to my arrival and all that I would find in there.\nBut a knocking on my front door reached my ears and I can't help but feel slightly discouraged.\nI had hoped to leave ahead of time in order to be certain to make it to my plane, but it looks like my schedule will be delayed. I just hoped it wasn't someone to complain or something.\nSo I made way for the front door, cursing the mess I left in my livingroom as I hadn't thought of tidying up at all. Let's pray the person interrupting me won't invite themselves in.\nThat happened very often actually. More times than not did I have these neighbours that claimed they wanted to save me from my life as a hermit. They were always the same people and for some reason they believed that I needed somebody to break this solitude that I loved wrapping myself in and finally make me happy.\nThey didn't understand that people had just hurt me too much a little too many times.\nThere was one kind of being that I would happily let break my silence. Animals! But they weren't allowed in this apartment complex.\nYes, okay, there was one person. Just one. And all she needed to do was accept me.\nOpening the front door, that very same person was standing there, phone in hand.\n\"Constance, this is a surprise. What're you doing here? And how did you get in?\" The corners of my lips curled up in a small smile, which felt unnatural on my muzzle but was present either way, and I leant against the frame.\nConstance was a hedgehog like me, but we didn't look all that alike. Her fur was a very dark blue and her own muzzle was white while her eyes were green. She had a small black tuft of fur on her forehead and she had six downward quills, which each had a black streak like my own crimson red ones. Those stripes also stained her arms.\nShe was my daughter. I've been told that she was a bit of a tomboy, though she still prefered pink as her favourite colour and even wore a blouse in the very shade she adored.\nConstance looked angry, pissed even, and as I noticed my website on the screen of her phone, I knew why and internally sighed. Already did I dread what was about to come.\n\"Someone was kind enough to let me in. So you're leaving again, 'mom'?\" Constance asked, her arms crossing in front of her chest.\nShe was glaring at me, a most condescending look in her eyes.\nIt hurt to have her looking at me like that with such a hateful gaze and hear her speak that word with such a mocking emphasis.\nI stepped aside to let her in and she took the wordless invitation, walking past me and entering the livingroom to most likely witness the mess I had neglected to tidy in my endeavour to pack for today.\nAfter closing the front door, I followed her and found her frowning at the mess. Like expected.\nThere were just loads of prints of my photos. For a colour check, to spot undesirable appearances, prevent mistakes, try out different kinds of paper, and whatnot.\nI decided not to delay an answer to her question.\n\"Yes, I am. A project in a forest up North. I was packing, so I didn't have the time to clean up.\" I spoke in short sentences, like I always did.\nConstance huffed, in a way that was all too similar to my own strict and unreasonable mother.\n\"And of course you didn't bother to tell anyone in advance. Nice going 'mom', I might aswell have been knocking on the door while no one would be home for at least two weeks.\" Constance, will you please stop saying it like that already?\n\"I really don't get you. You say that we should stay in contact, but when you're about to leave I'm suddenly not important enough to even know anymore? Make up you're mind already!\" Her tone of voice raised and I couldn't help but just stare at her.\nWhy can't we just have a nice and pleasant conversation for once? All she wants is to argue. All she does is criticize and provocate. I don't even know for what purpose.\n\"Why did you come, Constance?\" I've grown tired of anger and rage a long time ago. All I could do was end that topic and hope to move to a new one. But that was still a legitimate question. She doesn't usually visit me for no reason.\n\"I need something. For college. I don't have the funds to buy it and so I figured my neglectful mother owes me some.\" She spoke quick and curtly. We did look alike more than she would ever want to admit and by that I mean the way that she spoke.\nConstance held her hand out and didn't even shoot a glance my way. She knew I would comply.\nI should've know. Money is all she comes here for. Money and arguments.\n\"You could've just called. I would've transfered the money to your bank account.\" I pulled my wallet from my jeans and sought through it to give her a more than decent amount.\n\"... I forgot.\" I knew she was lying, I could still tell.\nI had insisted she have my business card so she would have my phone number at all times, but I doubt she even kept it.\nI gave her the money and not even a single utter of a 'thank you' rolled off her tongue.\n\"Great. At least now I can continue my studies without getting distracted by another meaningless parttime job.\" She said instead and made her way for the front door, leaving me in the living room. It seemed like she was dying to get out, as if she's been here longer than her comfort zone would allow.\nBut she halted at the open front door and stared at the hallway for a moment as if deep in thought.\n\"Oh yeah, mom told me to say 'hi'.\" Constance spoke, glancing at me from over her shoulder with an unreadable expression.\nShe left my apartment a moment or two after without telling me as much as a goodbye or wishing me a safe trip. She just left and didn't look back.\nAnd like after every time we met, I can only feel empty with my heart throbbing painfully in my chest and the discomforting thought wondering if we will ever be able to see eye to eye without the other bearing a hateful glare.\n\nI took the next plane as soon as I could. With that last cold meeting with my daughter firmly branding into my mind, I could think of nothing else during my entire flight. Even when I fell asleep did it haunt my dreams.\nI know she blames me of everything that could possibly be wrong in her life, though I wouldn't know what because she doesn't at all let me know her, she shoves all of the blame on me. I didn't even try to stop her.\nWhen the plane touched down I found myself a nearby hotel to stay in for the night as it was already late in the evening once we landed. I had planned on leaving first thing in the morning.\nIn my room, I simply dropped my heavy bag at the footend of the bed and settled next to it on the floor. I made hefty use of roomservice by ordering any strong alcoholic drinks they might have.\nIt wasn't wise to drink, I know, but I could handle a hangover with ease.\nSo I was just sitting there, drinking from another glass of wine and wondering exactly why my relationship with my daughter had to be this way.\nI know she doesn't see me as any kind of parent, she already has a mom and dad who took care of her and raised her with all the love they could give. I just want to know why, now that she's finally in my life, she's not allowing us to form any sort of bond.\nThis was all the fault of my own parents, her grandparents.\nI was still very young when I became expectant of Constance. Only sixteen in fact.\nYes, I had been one of those reckless teens who hadn't been careful enough and I had paid a large price for that. Even now I'm clearly still paying for it.\nMy mother and father were outraged when they found out that I was pregnant and I was already four months far by then.\nI had been trying to hide it for as much as I could because I naively didn't want my parents to know that I messed up. Constance's father wouldn't be around to help me, he had made it very clear that he wanted nothing to do with a baby that he claimed he wasn't even sure was his.\nTo make it even clearer that we were over, he was flaunting his new girlfriend at school the very next week.\nSo I was all on my own as I tried to hide my pregnancy and then we made this family trip to somewhere sunny.\nMom wanted to go swimming and I hadn't packed anything for the pool or the ocean because I knew she'd see the bump and know in an instance. But we were at the beach and mom was adamant to see me enjoy the water, knowing just how much I loved to swim. So she tried to get me to buy one, pretty much dragging me towards the nearest clothing store and forcing me to sit in this fittingroom while she went to get some swimming shorts for me to try out.\nAs I waited I tried to come up with some sort of a sound excuse. Like I wasn't feeling too well. But she was taking a long time and I had taken a moment to lift my shirt and look at the bump that contained my biggest secret. She had to walk in at that exact moment.\nShe knew in an instance that wasn't just fat. She knew that I had slept with my boyfriend and that this was the result.\nHer own son had been stupid enough to get pregnant as a teen.\nFurious, she had dragged me back to our hotel room and had called my dad, who had been out for the day as he had run into some of his friends on our first day here.\nEver since then, they had never looked at me the same way again.\nI wasn't innocent anymore, for some reason I wasn't smart anymore, I wasn't someone they could be proud of.\nNo, instead I was a failure, an idiot, a disgrace.\nThey sought to remedy my mistake.\nI remember well how I'd come home one evening after a tiring day at school, late into my eight month far at the time. I wanted to walk up the stairs and hide in my room as I heard that both of my parents were home for once.\nThey called me to them and upon entering, I found this couple having coffee with them, complete strangers.\nUpon seeing me the woman just jumped up from her seat and pretty much pulled me in for a tight embrace, telling me over and over again how grateful she was for this opportunity. The man did the same, albeit a lot less as energized as his wife.\nThey were so, so happy, but I could just feel my heart shatter.\nMy own parents had gone behind my back and found a couple to adopt my kid, not caring that maybe I wanted to take care of her myself.\nI had no time to think of a solution because exactly the next day my water broke during class, as if the universe itself hated me. I only just reached my ninth month, it was three weeks before my actual due date.\nShe was with me for not even an hour.\nSo while that couple finally savoured the experience of holding their own baby after ten years of trying, I was left to spend a night in the maternity ward and listen to all of those kids crying in the arms of mothers that were allowed to keep them.\nWhile their ten years of agony had ended, my twenty years had only just started.\nI will never stop blaming my parents for forcing me through this pain, claiming that this was the 'right' thing to do. It wasn't, it goddamn wasn't! Their callous decision caused me nothing but pain, I was left to spend every day of the next few years realizing that I was missing everything in my daughter's life. Her first words, first steps, first bike ride, first school dag, everything.\nAnd what did my parents say whenever I brought it up? They basically told me to get over it already.\nMy life, I let it spiral out of control after that.\nI didn't finish school because I suddenly failed all of my grades, though they had actually risen during my pregnancy. I once battled an alcohol addiction and hung out with the wrong kind of people, some of which had actually tried to get me addicted to drugs too.\nI don't even want to think of all that I did in the bedroom.\nUntil ten years ago, when I came across this gallery and saw all of these beautiful places and animals in frames, some large and some small. I felt like I wanted to be in those places, like being there and seeing all of those wonders would bring me peace. And so, I had begun to study photography. Two years after following this class and after another year of doing studio work is when I had decided to quit and do trips like this into the heart of nature instead.\nIt is what helped me have some semblance of happiness and control back in life.\nNow it's been exactly twenty years and I'm thiry-six now.\nThirty-six, single for years, and childless. I had only my job to focus on.\nClearly my parents were right to take my daughter from me only to tell me to get over it and state that I will have another one.\nConstance and I actually formally met four years ago. I was holding a gallery of my latest picture series and she had come to check it out because, now that she was sixteen herself, her adoptive parents had told her about her origins. The girl had hopped onto the next plane when she heard of the opening to my, temporary, gallery to come see what her biological mother was like.\nI had recognised her in an instance. It hurt to see her all grown up instead of that baby I was forced to stay goodbye to, but relief and gratefulness had triumphed pain in that moment.\nAs soon as we were alone, that's when the accusations suddenly started.\nI wasn't her mother, I was just the vessel that carried her, not even worthy her time.\nAll because she believes that I was the one who came with the idea to give her up and I didn't have the strength to argue with her or tell her the truth anymore.\nNow she was an adult and I had let this poisonous relationship continue. She never once stopped hating me and I feel myself crumble a little bit more inside everytime we meet. And still I don't stop it because at least now I get to see her every couple of months.\nThe half-full bottle of wine slips from my grip unto the carpeted floor as does the glass.\nI can only bury my face in my hands as the alcohol didn't numb my pain, but at least made it bearable to remember.\nJust a few more hours and I can concentrate and techniques, pictures, and compositions. Just a few more hours...\n\nThe next morning I had a shower, a breakfast with aspirin, and rented a car to get me to my destination.\nI was still troubled, but once I could park my car after a very long ride, got out, and smelled the fresh air only a real forest could give, I felt my stress melting away. I stood at the open driver's side, looking at the deep forest that awaited me beyond this wooden gate that stood on what looked like an overgrown trail.\nFor the next two weeks I could forget my suffering, my parents, and the cold attitude of my own offspring. It would be just me and my camera in the heart of nature and that was all that I needed right now.\nTurning the engine of the car off, I closed and locked it after unloading my bag and tripod, together both of them were heavy. Trips like these were always a test that brought my body to its very limits, but that's also part of the reason why I loved doing this.\nLeaving the car far behind me, I began my hike and looked towards the next couple of long hours of just walking as I try to find whatever I found suitable to be photographed.\nI found my very first specimen in a butterfly.\nNative to a near unexplored woods, it was something I had only seen once when doing research on the internet concerning another insect I had once photographed and I did not know the name off. It was beautifully red in colour with a black rim and had a considerable size.\nLooking back on the photos I took, I noticed that I had a very nice one with its wings spread in full view and one in flight. It only took an hour, this trip already proved to be very promising. I might just return with a new gallery to present.\nFoolishly, I wondered for a moment if Constance would like to see this butterfly when I do show it on my website.\nIf anything, that unpleasant encounter taught me that she visits it from time to time, right? Or am I just fooling myself?\nA sigh left me and I decided to continue on my way.\n\nEvening had quickly arrived and soon enough I was sitting by a small campfire I had made with a very light version of a tent standing behind me.\nWith dinner already over, I was left to stare at the pictures I had taken today, deleting those that were much too light or much too dark to ever save, which freed some more space on my card to use up tomorrow.\nSuddenly I came across an old picture I had saved on this card, one I have yet to actually move to my computer.\nA candid photo of Constance.\nIt was taken during the reception at the opening of my gallery four years ago, the day I had met her.\nHer parents did actually come with her to keep her company so long as she couldn't catch me alone. I don't know what her father had said, but it had made her laugh right at the moment I pressed the button to capture my very first glimpse of my little girl.\nShe had looked so innocent and so kind, not at all like the glaring young woman who had been standing in my livingroom just to ask me for money the other day.\nLooking at this photo, I can only wonder if it's just my indirect abandonment that angered her or if there was something else I had done to wrong her.\nI wish I could make it right, that she would let me make it right. I wish she'd smile like that for me too.\nTired, I put my camera away and retreated into my tent. I left the fire going to scare off any nocturnal animals.\nSettling down for the night, I curled up with my arms wrapped around myself and closed my eyes. I knew for sure that this wasn't going to be a pleasant night either.\n\nI woke up even before the first rays of sunlight came peeking over the horizon. I took my time to eat some breakfast and wake up properly. After that I collected my things and continued on with my journey way uphill.\nI did have a bad night, just like predicted, but it wasn't because I had a nightmare.\nThe dream I had was good. I dreamt that I was back in that hospital again, but there was no couple to take my baby away from me. I was allowed to hold her for as long as I pleased because I could raise her, because she was finally mine.\nThe fact that it was such a good dream was the reason I had such a bad night. It only reminded me once more of what I could never have.\nI was more than usual in need of distraction as it felt like imaginary walls were closing in on me. I grabbed my camera and quickly resumed my way on the barely visible path I had been following.\nToday it looks like I won't be able to concentrate as much as yesterday. My thoughts seemed solely concerned about my daughter after the nightmare I've had.\nThat's all I do whenever she has visited me. Think about her.\n\"I need to stop it.\" I spoke to myself out loud, stopping in my tracks and rubbing with my hands in my face as if it could help.\nTake the camera and look around for something interesting. How much harder can I make that be?\nIt was then that something drew my attention to my left. It looked like an open area.\nWalking towards it, it had become clear to me that I just might've found the jackpot.\nThis open area was more than huge with a lake almost right in the middle surrounded by grass and flowers. There was also a cliff off to one side from which a waterfall connected an upper river to the lake. The cool weather of the soft Winter was perfect and the rays of sunlight made the water sparkle in a most brilliant way.\nIt looked like something right out of a fantasy movie with all of these high hills and even mountains in the far off background.\nHow could I ever ignore a beautiful place like this?\n\nI felt better after a long session with the lake. I had taken so many photos of so many different angles, the remaining space on my card got used up. I had to resort to using my reserve. And I needed to replace my battery too because the long use had completely drained it.\nI was sitting on a fallen tree away from the lake and after I had lunch, I replaced the batteries and quickly skimmed through some photos before I would quickly change the card and continue on my way.\nSo far they looked promising. Once I get home in twelve or thirteen days, I'll be able to take a closer look at them and truly weed out the bad ones. For more often than not, my series of ten to twenty or so pictures of a single series end up being just one or two left.\nAnd so was the cycle of a photographer.\nYou leave for hours and could come back with a hundred pictures, but once you take a closer look at them on the computer, you end up keeping just a mere few.\nThat would be the fruit beared by these two weeks. One or two pictures of each location, animal, or plant I had come cross, if I were lucky. And even fewer of these could ever be placed in a gallery or even be sold.\nThis was mainly why it was so unrealistic to make photography a full-time job, especially the way I'm doing it.\nWith my break over, I gathered my stuff and hung my camera with a new full battery and a new empty card around my neck. I looked towards the direction I had been following, which was upstream, and got to walking.\nBut it was then that I quickly noticed something potentionally interesting.\nGazing towards it, I noticed a cave in the side of the cliff, somewhat hidden by the waterfall. Hadn't I glanced back, I might've never found it.\nIt probably wasn't the best idea, but I could not ignore my curiosity.\nSo I hid my camera in my bag to prevent it from getting wet and pretty much hugged the stone wall as I reached for the cave entrance. I stumbled inside and only just managed to keep my footing.\nIt seems to be very humid in here, as expected I suppose.\nI haven't done many caves as they could be very dangerous. They could be an endless labyrinth, just drop down out of nowhere, grow so narrow that passing through was impossible, be filled with water and insects.\nStill, I walked further. I had no heed for my own safety.\nWalking deeper inside, light became non-existent and so I grabbed my flashlight to light my way, for which I also have a few spare batteries with me.\nAbsolute darkness does strange things with a person.\nMuch like Winter and rain can make a person depressed, absolute darkness and loneliness could make one's deepest thoughts grow darker. It was almost shocking just how much a person could suddenly change.\nSo I began to wonder, in this seemingly endless darkness, weither or not anyone would miss me.\nJust a hypothetical question, just the ramblings of a tired mind, but what would happen if I were to not make it back out of this cave? There weren't many people I had to think off.\nWould my parents just shake their heads and forget? Would they actually feel guilty for what they did to me? Would Constance mourn? Would I become more than a body that pushed her out one day for her real parents? Or would she just say 'Shadow? Who's that?'\n\"Damnit.\" I cursed beneath my breath and felt like hitting myself in the head with the wall of the cave.\nWhat the hell am I thinking?\nJust find something interesting, take a photograph, leave, go home in two weeks, and go back to hoping again.\nLike always.\nI shouldn't let the darkness here in the cave get to me like this. I shouldn't allow it to.\nResuming my way down this black hole of a tunnel into the side of the cliff, I tried to light my way to find something of interest, something that could draw my attention away from the problems I was running from.\nAfter walking long enough, I think I did finally find something promising.\nA green glow from the corners of my eyes.\nI turned towards it and killed my light as I realised that it was bright enough to lead me towards the source.\nWhat was the cause for this erie green light? I've never seen anything like it before. I couldn't help but be curious.\nI walked closer and came upon a considerably large circular room. Standing in the middle of it, I looked all around the walls to find holes in them from which these green lights seemed to come from.\nThis moss covered a big percentage of this room and every step I took made it light up. It was so strange.\nApproaching one of those holes, my eyes widened upon what I found inside.\nEggs. Just countless of eggs!\nThey were white, but all of them were sunken into this green bioluminescent fluid that seemed to create this glow that drew my attention so.\nNo, it wasn't exactly a liquid.\nDipping the fingers of my less dominant hand, my right, into the stuff and lifting them back out again, I noticed that it had a little bit of a vaster consistency than water. It was slimy and warm. Was this to keep these incubated until they hatched?\nI grimaced at the feeling and wiped my hand clean on my pants. I dropped my heavy bag and tripod and grabbed my camera now that I could use it again.\nThis cave contained a nest, one of unknown origins as I have never seen anything like this before. I couldn't possibly pass this opportunity up. This was literally a chance of a lifetime, one I, or anyone else in the foreseeable future for that matter, wouldn't be able to experience ever again.\nI had to capture it all on paper. Once I'm home I could figure out just what the hell these things were.\nOr that's what I wanted to do.\nAiming with my camera to get those eggs in focus, I was so busy with snapping pictures that I didn't see something wrapping itself around my slightly bend legs until it was already too late.\nMy heart skipped a beat in fright when I lost my footing as I was pulled up out of nowhere. The grip on my camera was lost and it fell down to the ground as I was flung upwards, the expensive thing smashing into bits on the ground.\nLooking towards my lower body, I noticed one vine-like plant was wrapped around each leg, but on this height I didn't dare rip myself free.\n\"What the hell? Was this a trap?\" I muttered to myself and tried to look around and think as blood came rushing to my head since I was upside down.\nI was so high up, what if I were to fall?\n\"Oh no...\" I muttered at just the very thought of it, panic rising up and constricting my chest.\nWhat do I do? I'm going to fall! And I'm sure I won't survive from this height. My neck will break.\nOut of nowhere I was moved. Though I had been trying to stay completely still, I was suddenly brought to this large and dark hole in the wall on the same level as me. It was different from the ones containing the eggs.\nI don't know how the vines could possibly move on their own, but they softly placed me down on the floor in that hole and upon my touch the moss began to glow and lit up my surroundings dimly like the nests.\nWhat was up with this vegetation that gave it this bioluminescent effect like it could've come straight out of a sci-fi film. Lifting one of my hands up made my handprint glow in the dark part of the moss for a little while.\nMy smashed expensive camera was already forgotten as I found myself fascinated with my surroundings. I wanted to know so badly just what all of this was. I've been to so many places on this planet and I have never seen something like this before.\nWas all of this... extraterrestrial?\nI didn't have much time to contemplate this further when the vines decorating the cave walls suddenly moved again. I was left to stare at them in utter shock at how they seemed to have a mind of their own as they approached me again.\nOne of them began exploring my body, just rubbing over my clothed form. It rubbed over my forehead and suddenly something strange happened.\nI could see it all before me again. I was back in that hospital, twenty years into the past, pregnant again, and all alone with my parents nowhere to be found. My body was wrecked in pain from the contractions my full womb caused. I was giving birth and my baby, Constance, was almost out.\nOver and over again was I telling myself to stop pushing at once, though that was dangerous for both of us. I knew what was going to happen, I knew who was waiting right outside the door. I did not wany to lose my daughter again!\nBut she left me. She left me and suddenly she was in the arms of her adoption parents, that couple that just showed up yesterday to take away what I had been carrying with love and determination for the past nine months.\nThey walked away. I was begging them to come back, screaming at them to give me back my child, but they did not listen. They left me behind and set my daughter on a path that would lead to her hating me with a fury.\nMy barely mended heart broke all over again.\nNext thing I knew I was in that cave in the present, sobbing and yelling at myself for not being able to stop it from happening.\nIt was a memory, of course it was, but it had looked so real that I was trying so hard to make this sad fate change.\nI was so pathetic right now. My daughter was gone again and still I could do nothing but cry about it.\nWhy did I have to go through that loss again? What kind of a sadistic vision was that?\nI could only curl up, cry, and growl, my arms wrapped around me.\nThey made me so angry, broke my heart so badly.\nWhy did my parents force me through such pain? What did I do to make them hate me so? Why did Constance's adoptive parents not realize that I did not want to say goodbye to my daughter? Were they just that blind?\nI was the one who gave birth to her! That girl belonged to me! She wasn't supposed to hate me like this!\nWhat did these plants do to make me breakdown like this? Why were my wounds so fresh again?\nAnd then suddenly two vines wrapped around each leg and two others did the same with each arm. They held me down.\n\"Wait, hold up! What's going on?!\" I had barely composed myself from another mental break and like a fool did I talk to these plants like they could actually hear me.\nI could not pull myself free as their grip on me was just much too strong. I was completely at their mercy as all I managed to do was tighten their hold when I struggled.\nWhat is it that these plants want? What drives them to pin me down like this? Are they like a venus fly trap? Is there some source to these vines that took a liking to animals, mobians, and humans instead of insects?\nThan I need to get out of here, I don't want to die.\nI have... never realised this before... But I didn't want to die. I wanted to experience motherhood at least once in my life. Just one time do I want to hold a baby that's mine, an infant that I know I will be allowed to raise and love for once, one that won't grow up to hate me.\nBefore I realised it, I was close to resume my bawling as that realisation had made this unmeasurable pain settle in my chest, grown only worse by the loss I had suffered and never healed from, leaving it to fester like an infected wound.\nBut, as if able to sense my overwhelming sorrow, one of the free green tendrils moved to carress my face. It was almost loving in the way my cheek was stroked, like it was comforting me.\nIts efforts were in vain as this agony could not be stilled. If time didn't manage to heal me in all these twenty years, than I doubt these will be able to.\nThat will to fight that I possessed for at least a full minute was gone again as I let other vines join the apparent exploration of my body.\nSoon enough, they began to tug on my clothes, my pants especially. I let them have their way, not having the will to fight them.\nMy belt gave in and as it ripped the rest of my trousers soon followed. I don't know what business they had down there, but I figured that clothes would only get in the way of it. It wasn't like I could stop them either way.\nMy boxers soon followed and that's when I raised my head to look at my lower body, at what they could possibly want with me there as the tugging on my other clothes suddenly ceased.\nA gasp left me when one of the tendrils suddenly touched me somewhere intimate.\nAdmittedly, I had rarely been touched there ever since I started focussing on photography a mere decade ago, much different from the first decade that had passed. So to be touched there by something like this was bone chilling to say the least. And I couldn't pull myself free either.\nI've barely had any longlasting relationships these past few years, so to feel something like this boldly touching my pussy and even rubbing me between those two lower lips made a cold chill run down my spine.\nMy body shivered as I felt that strange texture rubbing against my clitoris and stroking over my entrance.\nWhat were these things trying to do? It didn't seem like they were trying to pleasure or creep me out on purpose. It felt like they were trying to search for something, the sensations that I felt were just a natural consequence.\nAnd then they found it when that vine-like tendril found my opening and suddenly pushed all the way inside. I could only gasp like the air got knocked out of me and my body tried to curl up at the stabbing pain that I experienced when the very tip of the tendril thrusted far enough into my body to touch my cervix.\nAnd it felt like that was impaled too.\n\"Get out! Get out!\" I started thrashing in the hopes of getting this thing out of my womb, but I couldn't get loose, I was completely at their mercy.\nI don't know why they found it necessary, but the soft vine suddenly started moving. It was slowly and steadily thrusting in and out of my womb, creating a friction that wasn't all too uncomfortable.\nI was left to endure whatever ritual this thing, this living and thinking organism covering this section of the cave, was performing on me. My body shook and rocked as the thrusting continued, sweat soon covering my fur in a thin layer.\nIt moved in and out of my vagina and like any other penetration this had an effect on me too. I was growing wet, my juices escaped me and moistened both the tendril and me. My pussy was now moist and also my inner thighs were soaked.\n\"No... This is...\" I panted as the thrusting was taking a toll on me, the slightly rough texture rubbing up on my G-spot like it was on purpose.\nDiscomfort made way for pleasure and I don't even know why it bothered.\nI don't understand anything right now... First that vision and now the apparent mating?\nIt must've thought that I was prepared enough because the tendril pulled out all the way, dripping my juices down on the mossy floor beneath us, and folded the soaked part in two before pushing back inside to continue its thrusting, stretching my entrance further.\nWhat was it doing? I assume a plant can't cum, so was it preparing me for something?\nThe vines spreading my legs widened the space and wrapped around my wet thighs too, ensuring for sure that they would not move.\nIt felt like I was stretched so wide down there now. Not enough to hurt me as I slowly got used to the stretch or draw any blood, but it was a little discomforting. And the thing was pushing and pushing against my cervix too.\nWas it trying to penetrate my already violated womb again too? With that size?\nAs my head reeled and my body suddenly froze up, that is exactly what happened.\nIt hurt... so badly... So why did I feel pleasure? Why did I feel like I could actually achieve an orgasm like this?\nI managed to compose myself a little as the thrusting kept on going, the friction created now caused my pussy to completely soak my butt and the moss beneath me too.\nMoans now escaped my vocals and I even tried to gyrate and move my hips as my pleasure gradually reached its boiling point.\nSuch an overwhelming mix of emotions. I both wanted and didn't want this to end.\nThe vine mating me had me so distracted, occupied in every meaning of the word, that I didn't notice a different one moving out of the hole I was stuck in and out of sight.\nOnly when it returned and flashed something white in my vision did I manage to pay attention enough again to look at what it was.\nIt was an egg. The vine was holding a damn egg!\nWas that going to be pushed inside next?\nAs the tendril massaging my inner walls pulled back, I knew that was exactly the case.\nSo that was why all that stretching was necessary. That egg had to be able to fit in me.\nExactly what would happen after it was planted inside? What kind of consequences would this have on my body?\nMore vines joined my restraints and this time even a couple wrapped around my waist to keep me completely still. I could not move an inch.\nI felt panic coursing through me as the egg was brought closer to my lower body, any sign of my orgasm gone.\nDespites there being a vine wrapped around my neck to keep me still, it didn't seem to want to cause me harm on purpose as I could just lift my head to witness the soaked tentacle coat the white shell in my natural lubricant to make it easier to push in.\nOnce the entire white surface was covered in a thin sheen of my vaginal fluid, my restraints grew tougher and the lukewarm shell was pressed against my somewhat looser opening, my lower lips kept spread apart by two tiny tentacles.\nAs my birth canal gave way, I could only grimace as it was pushed inside, my whole face scrunching up from the agonising stretch and it could almost compare to giving birth.\nI suppose that was exactly what was happening right now, except in reverse.\n\"Oh... Chaos...\" I gasped, barely able to breath as it took so painstakingly long for the soaked vine to push that large fist-sized egg inside.\nMy inner walls were stretched so wide to let that perfectly round thing pass through. The last time I experienced this kind of pain was when I was giving birth to Constance. Absolutely nothing else compares.\nAnd then it had to get through my cervix too. When it neared, that was what I dreaded the most. Honestly, without contractions to distract me, I felt like I was about to die.\nWhen it popped into my womb after one last terrible stabbing sensation, the pain faded away to be replaced by a numb throbbing and I laid absolutely limp on the mossy ground. I felt numb in both body and soul.\nI could not move, could not breath, could barely think. Even as the vines retreated and let me be did I not have the strength to move. Instead I lied there spread eagle.\nIt took a long while for me to compose myself. When I finally did, I sluggishly lifted my head to look at my lower body.\nWhat I saw was a small bump on my normally flat belly and obviously it was caused by the egg weighing down my womb.\nSomehow I found the strength to move my body and lift my torso up to look at the mess my lower half's become, though I could not even think of sitting up right now.\nAs I saw blood staining my inner thighs and the moss, I knew enough. I had injuries that now needed healing.\nI fell back down, my energy waning, and covered my eyes with an arm.\nWhy didn't I fight harder? How am I supposed to go back home now with this mass occupying my uterus? Constance will be able to tell, she always notices. She'll think I will have betrayed and replaced her.\nNo, I don't want anyone to see me like this, especially not her.\nI have no choice but to stay and hope that one day it will leave me.\n\n[i]'The 13th of February 2017,\nIt's been a while since my last update, longer than the planned two weeks in fact, and I just mean to tell everyone that I'm just fine. You needn't worry for me, though it's been such a long time.\nMy trip to my latest location was simply... unexpected, to say the least. I can't explain it other than that something incredibly amazing happened to me and that I will be gone for an indefinite amount of time.\nI will probably return, but until then, this is me signing off for now.\nI'll talk to you again when I can.\n- Shadow'[/i]\n\nA sigh of relief left me as I got to upload my last message to my website just in time before my phone died completely and I was left to stare at a black screen.\nI had the thing off this whole time, but apparently neglected to charge the battery during the night I spend at the hotel, most likely because my mind had been a bit preoccupied.\nBut this was it. The last time I'd talk to the outside world in a long, long time to come.\nThat should reassure them, whoever still cared, and keep people from trying to search for me should I ever be reported missing for my inactivity.\nAs if anyone would give a damn.\nEither way, I want no one to interrupt this peace and contentment that I'm finally experiencing. No one.\nI leant back against the cave wall covered in moss, the texture surprisingly soft against my bare body as I was no longer dressed. I could hardly bring myself to move from this nest, so soft and warm. I didn't want to. Whatever this organism was, it was taking good care of me, even kept me fed and healthy.\nAs I found a comfortable position, my hands settled on my abdomen and so did my gaze, but it wasn't that small heavy bump they saw and touched.\nDuring the course of these last three months I had grown considerably and even that was an understatement. Compared to a normal mobian pregnancy, I looked and felt like I was six months far now.\nI was round, heavy, hormonal, and just bustling with life.\nThat one egg, though it was a traumatic experience to have it pushed into me, had somehow taken after me. I could feel a pair of hands and feet moving about in there. A mobian hedgehog was growing in there, I just knew it. It felt so similar to when I carried my daughter, except there was no dread.\nNo parents to shake their heads at their disgraceful child and force the option of adoption onto me by introducing me to suitable parents the day before I give birth. No one to take my infant away from me. No one to doubt a distraught sixteen year old's loud cries to return their child when their tired and torn body could not move from the bed.\nI would be able to raise this baby. Boy or another girl, I would be the best mother this child could ever ask for.\n\"Calm down in there already. My womb is not a football!\" I told the unborn infant, though I chuckled. It calmed down almost as soon as it heard my voice.\nI let this feeling of peace rule me as I sunk further into the soft moss and kept my hands on my belly, stroking it softly and enjoying the sensation of the kicks slowing down fast as my baby fell asleep.\n\"Good night.\" I told the tired baby. As if telling me the same, he or she decided to kick one last time before everything grew quiet in there for the night.\nFinally it had happened. My twenty long years of waiting were over. I could finally experience motherhood.", "writing_bbcode_parsed": "
Exploring The Deep Woods


Shadow's POV

'The 12th of November 2016,
I may have found a new place to visit. It's somewhere way up North, completely removed from any kind of civilisation. A deep, endless forest, barely explored so they say. I'll be going there for my next project.
I'll be alone. Like always. No cellphone reception, no guide, nothing.
Visitors aren't exactly allowed because most of it is still so unexplored, but you shouldn't worry. I've done this plenty of times before and have survived worse. I have all the survival skills needed to make it out alive on my own should I run out of food, though I should have enough to last me the entire trip.
I will be back in two weeks, hopefully with new photos to add to my gallery. Some may even make my wallet very happy.
So this is me signing of for now.
I will return in exactly two weeks tops.
- Shadow'

"And post." I stated, talking out loud to myself as was often my habit, and pressed 'submit' to upload my latest message unto my site, which will be the last one for quite a while.
The location I was going to was completely devoid of reception, so I'd be going dark for the entire time that I'm gone. It was better to post something now before people would worry. Strangely enough, I do have people following this blog.
I wouldn't call myself a blogger. I was a photographer. The blog just helps me show off the pictures I've taken and helps me sell them too.
I was successful, so that was really the only job I practised.
It made me feel lucky. Not many people can make this their full-time job and especially not when they don't like to take pictures of people.
Mobians, humans... I don't like to stand in a stuffy studio all day and simply take photos of boring people all day, six days out of seven a week.
Doesn't mean I never tried it because I did. I rented a place to set up a business of my own, just like my parents wanted me to.
Parents... What a joke.
I took portraits, group photos, hired models, took on assignments, ... I often had to take pictures of families too. They'd come to me with their children, with their newborns...
Always was I reminded of their smell, of their small size, of their soft fur or skin. Each time it became harder to say goodbye to a new client and even harder to say hello to another reminder.
So I decided to quit, after which my parents quickly broke contact with me because I had disappointed them again.
Photographs of people were replaced by interesting animals, my studio replaced by grand landscapes, my parents by peaceful loneliness.
I've been doing this for close to seven years now and I was running a successful blog on which I often sold a picture or two, sometimes even the occasional book that contained whole galleries of certain themes or places.
It was because of this that my parents had a change of heart and decided to contact me again three years ago, stating how they always knew their dear boy would make a name for himself someday and that they had never been more proud.
Like an absolute idiot, I let them poison my life again.
Maybe that's why I always visit such far off places, to get away from them.
Pushing myself up from my deskchair, I left my study for my bedroom in this quite spacious apartment and found my backpack ready and packed on my bed.
Food, water, flashlight, extra batteries, camera, lenses, I had everything that I needed right with me. I've checked my checklist so many times, I couldn't be more sure.
Soon enough, I'd find myself in the comfort of solitude again. No cars, no nightclubs blasting music all damn night, no smelly air, no loud neighbours, no parents, just generally no people. Instead I'd be surrounded by nature, animals, and comforting ambient noises.
I looked forward to my arrival and all that I would find in there.
But a knocking on my front door reached my ears and I can't help but feel slightly discouraged.
I had hoped to leave ahead of time in order to be certain to make it to my plane, but it looks like my schedule will be delayed. I just hoped it wasn't someone to complain or something.
So I made way for the front door, cursing the mess I left in my livingroom as I hadn't thought of tidying up at all. Let's pray the person interrupting me won't invite themselves in.
That happened very often actually. More times than not did I have these neighbours that claimed they wanted to save me from my life as a hermit. They were always the same people and for some reason they believed that I needed somebody to break this solitude that I loved wrapping myself in and finally make me happy.
They didn't understand that people had just hurt me too much a little too many times.
There was one kind of being that I would happily let break my silence. Animals! But they weren't allowed in this apartment complex.
Yes, okay, there was one person. Just one. And all she needed to do was accept me.
Opening the front door, that very same person was standing there, phone in hand.
"Constance, this is a surprise. What're you doing here? And how did you get in?" The corners of my lips curled up in a small smile, which felt unnatural on my muzzle but was present either way, and I leant against the frame.
Constance was a hedgehog like me, but we didn't look all that alike. Her fur was a very dark blue and her own muzzle was white while her eyes were green. She had a small black tuft of fur on her forehead and she had six downward quills, which each had a black streak like my own crimson red ones. Those stripes also stained her arms.
She was my daughter. I've been told that she was a bit of a tomboy, though she still prefered pink as her favourite colour and even wore a blouse in the very shade she adored.
Constance looked angry, pissed even, and as I noticed my website on the screen of her phone, I knew why and internally sighed. Already did I dread what was about to come.
"Someone was kind enough to let me in. So you're leaving again, 'mom'?" Constance asked, her arms crossing in front of her chest.
She was glaring at me, a most condescending look in her eyes.
It hurt to have her looking at me like that with such a hateful gaze and hear her speak that word with such a mocking emphasis.
I stepped aside to let her in and she took the wordless invitation, walking past me and entering the livingroom to most likely witness the mess I had neglected to tidy in my endeavour to pack for today.
After closing the front door, I followed her and found her frowning at the mess. Like expected.
There were just loads of prints of my photos. For a colour check, to spot undesirable appearances, prevent mistakes, try out different kinds of paper, and whatnot.
I decided not to delay an answer to her question.
"Yes, I am. A project in a forest up North. I was packing, so I didn't have the time to clean up." I spoke in short sentences, like I always did.
Constance huffed, in a way that was all too similar to my own strict and unreasonable mother.
"And of course you didn't bother to tell anyone in advance. Nice going 'mom', I might aswell have been knocking on the door while no one would be home for at least two weeks." Constance, will you please stop saying it like that already?
"I really don't get you. You say that we should stay in contact, but when you're about to leave I'm suddenly not important enough to even know anymore? Make up you're mind already!" Her tone of voice raised and I couldn't help but just stare at her.
Why can't we just have a nice and pleasant conversation for once? All she wants is to argue. All she does is criticize and provocate. I don't even know for what purpose.
"Why did you come, Constance?" I've grown tired of anger and rage a long time ago. All I could do was end that topic and hope to move to a new one. But that was still a legitimate question. She doesn't usually visit me for no reason.
"I need something. For college. I don't have the funds to buy it and so I figured my neglectful mother owes me some." She spoke quick and curtly. We did look alike more than she would ever want to admit and by that I mean the way that she spoke.
Constance held her hand out and didn't even shoot a glance my way. She knew I would comply.
I should've know. Money is all she comes here for. Money and arguments.
"You could've just called. I would've transfered the money to your bank account." I pulled my wallet from my jeans and sought through it to give her a more than decent amount.
"... I forgot." I knew she was lying, I could still tell.
I had insisted she have my business card so she would have my phone number at all times, but I doubt she even kept it.
I gave her the money and not even a single utter of a 'thank you' rolled off her tongue.
"Great. At least now I can continue my studies without getting distracted by another meaningless parttime job." She said instead and made her way for the front door, leaving me in the living room. It seemed like she was dying to get out, as if she's been here longer than her comfort zone would allow.
But she halted at the open front door and stared at the hallway for a moment as if deep in thought.
"Oh yeah, mom told me to say 'hi'." Constance spoke, glancing at me from over her shoulder with an unreadable expression.
She left my apartment a moment or two after without telling me as much as a goodbye or wishing me a safe trip. She just left and didn't look back.
And like after every time we met, I can only feel empty with my heart throbbing painfully in my chest and the discomforting thought wondering if we will ever be able to see eye to eye without the other bearing a hateful glare.

I took the next plane as soon as I could. With that last cold meeting with my daughter firmly branding into my mind, I could think of nothing else during my entire flight. Even when I fell asleep did it haunt my dreams.
I know she blames me of everything that could possibly be wrong in her life, though I wouldn't know what because she doesn't at all let me know her, she shoves all of the blame on me. I didn't even try to stop her.
When the plane touched down I found myself a nearby hotel to stay in for the night as it was already late in the evening once we landed. I had planned on leaving first thing in the morning.
In my room, I simply dropped my heavy bag at the footend of the bed and settled next to it on the floor. I made hefty use of roomservice by ordering any strong alcoholic drinks they might have.
It wasn't wise to drink, I know, but I could handle a hangover with ease.
So I was just sitting there, drinking from another glass of wine and wondering exactly why my relationship with my daughter had to be this way.
I know she doesn't see me as any kind of parent, she already has a mom and dad who took care of her and raised her with all the love they could give. I just want to know why, now that she's finally in my life, she's not allowing us to form any sort of bond.
This was all the fault of my own parents, her grandparents.
I was still very young when I became expectant of Constance. Only sixteen in fact.
Yes, I had been one of those reckless teens who hadn't been careful enough and I had paid a large price for that. Even now I'm clearly still paying for it.
My mother and father were outraged when they found out that I was pregnant and I was already four months far by then.
I had been trying to hide it for as much as I could because I naively didn't want my parents to know that I messed up. Constance's father wouldn't be around to help me, he had made it very clear that he wanted nothing to do with a baby that he claimed he wasn't even sure was his.
To make it even clearer that we were over, he was flaunting his new girlfriend at school the very next week.
So I was all on my own as I tried to hide my pregnancy and then we made this family trip to somewhere sunny.
Mom wanted to go swimming and I hadn't packed anything for the pool or the ocean because I knew she'd see the bump and know in an instance. But we were at the beach and mom was adamant to see me enjoy the water, knowing just how much I loved to swim. So she tried to get me to buy one, pretty much dragging me towards the nearest clothing store and forcing me to sit in this fittingroom while she went to get some swimming shorts for me to try out.
As I waited I tried to come up with some sort of a sound excuse. Like I wasn't feeling too well. But she was taking a long time and I had taken a moment to lift my shirt and look at the bump that contained my biggest secret. She had to walk in at that exact moment.
She knew in an instance that wasn't just fat. She knew that I had slept with my boyfriend and that this was the result.
Her own son had been stupid enough to get pregnant as a teen.
Furious, she had dragged me back to our hotel room and had called my dad, who had been out for the day as he had run into some of his friends on our first day here.
Ever since then, they had never looked at me the same way again.
I wasn't innocent anymore, for some reason I wasn't smart anymore, I wasn't someone they could be proud of.
No, instead I was a failure, an idiot, a disgrace.
They sought to remedy my mistake.
I remember well how I'd come home one evening after a tiring day at school, late into my eight month far at the time. I wanted to walk up the stairs and hide in my room as I heard that both of my parents were home for once.
They called me to them and upon entering, I found this couple having coffee with them, complete strangers.
Upon seeing me the woman just jumped up from her seat and pretty much pulled me in for a tight embrace, telling me over and over again how grateful she was for this opportunity. The man did the same, albeit a lot less as energized as his wife.
They were so, so happy, but I could just feel my heart shatter.
My own parents had gone behind my back and found a couple to adopt my kid, not caring that maybe I wanted to take care of her myself.
I had no time to think of a solution because exactly the next day my water broke during class, as if the universe itself hated me. I only just reached my ninth month, it was three weeks before my actual due date.
She was with me for not even an hour.
So while that couple finally savoured the experience of holding their own baby after ten years of trying, I was left to spend a night in the maternity ward and listen to all of those kids crying in the arms of mothers that were allowed to keep them.
While their ten years of agony had ended, my twenty years had only just started.
I will never stop blaming my parents for forcing me through this pain, claiming that this was the 'right' thing to do. It wasn't, it goddamn wasn't! Their callous decision caused me nothing but pain, I was left to spend every day of the next few years realizing that I was missing everything in my daughter's life. Her first words, first steps, first bike ride, first school dag, everything.
And what did my parents say whenever I brought it up? They basically told me to get over it already.
My life, I let it spiral out of control after that.
I didn't finish school because I suddenly failed all of my grades, though they had actually risen during my pregnancy. I once battled an alcohol addiction and hung out with the wrong kind of people, some of which had actually tried to get me addicted to drugs too.
I don't even want to think of all that I did in the bedroom.
Until ten years ago, when I came across this gallery and saw all of these beautiful places and animals in frames, some large and some small. I felt like I wanted to be in those places, like being there and seeing all of those wonders would bring me peace. And so, I had begun to study photography. Two years after following this class and after another year of doing studio work is when I had decided to quit and do trips like this into the heart of nature instead.
It is what helped me have some semblance of happiness and control back in life.
Now it's been exactly twenty years and I'm thiry-six now.
Thirty-six, single for years, and childless. I had only my job to focus on.
Clearly my parents were right to take my daughter from me only to tell me to get over it and state that I will have another one.
Constance and I actually formally met four years ago. I was holding a gallery of my latest picture series and she had come to check it out because, now that she was sixteen herself, her adoptive parents had told her about her origins. The girl had hopped onto the next plane when she heard of the opening to my, temporary, gallery to come see what her biological mother was like.
I had recognised her in an instance. It hurt to see her all grown up instead of that baby I was forced to stay goodbye to, but relief and gratefulness had triumphed pain in that moment.
As soon as we were alone, that's when the accusations suddenly started.
I wasn't her mother, I was just the vessel that carried her, not even worthy her time.
All because she believes that I was the one who came with the idea to give her up and I didn't have the strength to argue with her or tell her the truth anymore.
Now she was an adult and I had let this poisonous relationship continue. She never once stopped hating me and I feel myself crumble a little bit more inside everytime we meet. And still I don't stop it because at least now I get to see her every couple of months.
The half-full bottle of wine slips from my grip unto the carpeted floor as does the glass.
I can only bury my face in my hands as the alcohol didn't numb my pain, but at least made it bearable to remember.
Just a few more hours and I can concentrate and techniques, pictures, and compositions. Just a few more hours...

The next morning I had a shower, a breakfast with aspirin, and rented a car to get me to my destination.
I was still troubled, but once I could park my car after a very long ride, got out, and smelled the fresh air only a real forest could give, I felt my stress melting away. I stood at the open driver's side, looking at the deep forest that awaited me beyond this wooden gate that stood on what looked like an overgrown trail.
For the next two weeks I could forget my suffering, my parents, and the cold attitude of my own offspring. It would be just me and my camera in the heart of nature and that was all that I needed right now.
Turning the engine of the car off, I closed and locked it after unloading my bag and tripod, together both of them were heavy. Trips like these were always a test that brought my body to its very limits, but that's also part of the reason why I loved doing this.
Leaving the car far behind me, I began my hike and looked towards the next couple of long hours of just walking as I try to find whatever I found suitable to be photographed.
I found my very first specimen in a butterfly.
Native to a near unexplored woods, it was something I had only seen once when doing research on the internet concerning another insect I had once photographed and I did not know the name off. It was beautifully red in colour with a black rim and had a considerable size.
Looking back on the photos I took, I noticed that I had a very nice one with its wings spread in full view and one in flight. It only took an hour, this trip already proved to be very promising. I might just return with a new gallery to present.
Foolishly, I wondered for a moment if Constance would like to see this butterfly when I do show it on my website.
If anything, that unpleasant encounter taught me that she visits it from time to time, right? Or am I just fooling myself?
A sigh left me and I decided to continue on my way.

Evening had quickly arrived and soon enough I was sitting by a small campfire I had made with a very light version of a tent standing behind me.
With dinner already over, I was left to stare at the pictures I had taken today, deleting those that were much too light or much too dark to ever save, which freed some more space on my card to use up tomorrow.
Suddenly I came across an old picture I had saved on this card, one I have yet to actually move to my computer.
A candid photo of Constance.
It was taken during the reception at the opening of my gallery four years ago, the day I had met her.
Her parents did actually come with her to keep her company so long as she couldn't catch me alone. I don't know what her father had said, but it had made her laugh right at the moment I pressed the button to capture my very first glimpse of my little girl.
She had looked so innocent and so kind, not at all like the glaring young woman who had been standing in my livingroom just to ask me for money the other day.
Looking at this photo, I can only wonder if it's just my indirect abandonment that angered her or if there was something else I had done to wrong her.
I wish I could make it right, that she would let me make it right. I wish she'd smile like that for me too.
Tired, I put my camera away and retreated into my tent. I left the fire going to scare off any nocturnal animals.
Settling down for the night, I curled up with my arms wrapped around myself and closed my eyes. I knew for sure that this wasn't going to be a pleasant night either.

I woke up even before the first rays of sunlight came peeking over the horizon. I took my time to eat some breakfast and wake up properly. After that I collected my things and continued on with my journey way uphill.
I did have a bad night, just like predicted, but it wasn't because I had a nightmare.
The dream I had was good. I dreamt that I was back in that hospital again, but there was no couple to take my baby away from me. I was allowed to hold her for as long as I pleased because I could raise her, because she was finally mine.
The fact that it was such a good dream was the reason I had such a bad night. It only reminded me once more of what I could never have.
I was more than usual in need of distraction as it felt like imaginary walls were closing in on me. I grabbed my camera and quickly resumed my way on the barely visible path I had been following.
Today it looks like I won't be able to concentrate as much as yesterday. My thoughts seemed solely concerned about my daughter after the nightmare I've had.
That's all I do whenever she has visited me. Think about her.
"I need to stop it." I spoke to myself out loud, stopping in my tracks and rubbing with my hands in my face as if it could help.
Take the camera and look around for something interesting. How much harder can I make that be?
It was then that something drew my attention to my left. It looked like an open area.
Walking towards it, it had become clear to me that I just might've found the jackpot.
This open area was more than huge with a lake almost right in the middle surrounded by grass and flowers. There was also a cliff off to one side from which a waterfall connected an upper river to the lake. The cool weather of the soft Winter was perfect and the rays of sunlight made the water sparkle in a most brilliant way.
It looked like something right out of a fantasy movie with all of these high hills and even mountains in the far off background.
How could I ever ignore a beautiful place like this?

I felt better after a long session with the lake. I had taken so many photos of so many different angles, the remaining space on my card got used up. I had to resort to using my reserve. And I needed to replace my battery too because the long use had completely drained it.
I was sitting on a fallen tree away from the lake and after I had lunch, I replaced the batteries and quickly skimmed through some photos before I would quickly change the card and continue on my way.
So far they looked promising. Once I get home in twelve or thirteen days, I'll be able to take a closer look at them and truly weed out the bad ones. For more often than not, my series of ten to twenty or so pictures of a single series end up being just one or two left.
And so was the cycle of a photographer.
You leave for hours and could come back with a hundred pictures, but once you take a closer look at them on the computer, you end up keeping just a mere few.
That would be the fruit beared by these two weeks. One or two pictures of each location, animal, or plant I had come cross, if I were lucky. And even fewer of these could ever be placed in a gallery or even be sold.
This was mainly why it was so unrealistic to make photography a full-time job, especially the way I'm doing it.
With my break over, I gathered my stuff and hung my camera with a new full battery and a new empty card around my neck. I looked towards the direction I had been following, which was upstream, and got to walking.
But it was then that I quickly noticed something potentionally interesting.
Gazing towards it, I noticed a cave in the side of the cliff, somewhat hidden by the waterfall. Hadn't I glanced back, I might've never found it.
It probably wasn't the best idea, but I could not ignore my curiosity.
So I hid my camera in my bag to prevent it from getting wet and pretty much hugged the stone wall as I reached for the cave entrance. I stumbled inside and only just managed to keep my footing.
It seems to be very humid in here, as expected I suppose.
I haven't done many caves as they could be very dangerous. They could be an endless labyrinth, just drop down out of nowhere, grow so narrow that passing through was impossible, be filled with water and insects.
Still, I walked further. I had no heed for my own safety.
Walking deeper inside, light became non-existent and so I grabbed my flashlight to light my way, for which I also have a few spare batteries with me.
Absolute darkness does strange things with a person.
Much like Winter and rain can make a person depressed, absolute darkness and loneliness could make one's deepest thoughts grow darker. It was almost shocking just how much a person could suddenly change.
So I began to wonder, in this seemingly endless darkness, weither or not anyone would miss me.
Just a hypothetical question, just the ramblings of a tired mind, but what would happen if I were to not make it back out of this cave? There weren't many people I had to think off.
Would my parents just shake their heads and forget? Would they actually feel guilty for what they did to me? Would Constance mourn? Would I become more than a body that pushed her out one day for her real parents? Or would she just say 'Shadow? Who's that?'
"Damnit." I cursed beneath my breath and felt like hitting myself in the head with the wall of the cave.
What the hell am I thinking?
Just find something interesting, take a photograph, leave, go home in two weeks, and go back to hoping again.
Like always.
I shouldn't let the darkness here in the cave get to me like this. I shouldn't allow it to.
Resuming my way down this black hole of a tunnel into the side of the cliff, I tried to light my way to find something of interest, something that could draw my attention away from the problems I was running from.
After walking long enough, I think I did finally find something promising.
A green glow from the corners of my eyes.
I turned towards it and killed my light as I realised that it was bright enough to lead me towards the source.
What was the cause for this erie green light? I've never seen anything like it before. I couldn't help but be curious.
I walked closer and came upon a considerably large circular room. Standing in the middle of it, I looked all around the walls to find holes in them from which these green lights seemed to come from.
This moss covered a big percentage of this room and every step I took made it light up. It was so strange.
Approaching one of those holes, my eyes widened upon what I found inside.
Eggs. Just countless of eggs!
They were white, but all of them were sunken into this green bioluminescent fluid that seemed to create this glow that drew my attention so.
No, it wasn't exactly a liquid.
Dipping the fingers of my less dominant hand, my right, into the stuff and lifting them back out again, I noticed that it had a little bit of a vaster consistency than water. It was slimy and warm. Was this to keep these incubated until they hatched?
I grimaced at the feeling and wiped my hand clean on my pants. I dropped my heavy bag and tripod and grabbed my camera now that I could use it again.
This cave contained a nest, one of unknown origins as I have never seen anything like this before. I couldn't possibly pass this opportunity up. This was literally a chance of a lifetime, one I, or anyone else in the foreseeable future for that matter, wouldn't be able to experience ever again.
I had to capture it all on paper. Once I'm home I could figure out just what the hell these things were.
Or that's what I wanted to do.
Aiming with my camera to get those eggs in focus, I was so busy with snapping pictures that I didn't see something wrapping itself around my slightly bend legs until it was already too late.
My heart skipped a beat in fright when I lost my footing as I was pulled up out of nowhere. The grip on my camera was lost and it fell down to the ground as I was flung upwards, the expensive thing smashing into bits on the ground.
Looking towards my lower body, I noticed one vine-like plant was wrapped around each leg, but on this height I didn't dare rip myself free.
"What the hell? Was this a trap?" I muttered to myself and tried to look around and think as blood came rushing to my head since I was upside down.
I was so high up, what if I were to fall?
"Oh no..." I muttered at just the very thought of it, panic rising up and constricting my chest.
What do I do? I'm going to fall! And I'm sure I won't survive from this height. My neck will break.
Out of nowhere I was moved. Though I had been trying to stay completely still, I was suddenly brought to this large and dark hole in the wall on the same level as me. It was different from the ones containing the eggs.
I don't know how the vines could possibly move on their own, but they softly placed me down on the floor in that hole and upon my touch the moss began to glow and lit up my surroundings dimly like the nests.
What was up with this vegetation that gave it this bioluminescent effect like it could've come straight out of a sci-fi film. Lifting one of my hands up made my handprint glow in the dark part of the moss for a little while.
My smashed expensive camera was already forgotten as I found myself fascinated with my surroundings. I wanted to know so badly just what all of this was. I've been to so many places on this planet and I have never seen something like this before.
Was all of this... extraterrestrial?
I didn't have much time to contemplate this further when the vines decorating the cave walls suddenly moved again. I was left to stare at them in utter shock at how they seemed to have a mind of their own as they approached me again.
One of them began exploring my body, just rubbing over my clothed form. It rubbed over my forehead and suddenly something strange happened.
I could see it all before me again. I was back in that hospital, twenty years into the past, pregnant again, and all alone with my parents nowhere to be found. My body was wrecked in pain from the contractions my full womb caused. I was giving birth and my baby, Constance, was almost out.
Over and over again was I telling myself to stop pushing at once, though that was dangerous for both of us. I knew what was going to happen, I knew who was waiting right outside the door. I did not wany to lose my daughter again!
But she left me. She left me and suddenly she was in the arms of her adoption parents, that couple that just showed up yesterday to take away what I had been carrying with love and determination for the past nine months.
They walked away. I was begging them to come back, screaming at them to give me back my child, but they did not listen. They left me behind and set my daughter on a path that would lead to her hating me with a fury.
My barely mended heart broke all over again.
Next thing I knew I was in that cave in the present, sobbing and yelling at myself for not being able to stop it from happening.
It was a memory, of course it was, but it had looked so real that I was trying so hard to make this sad fate change.
I was so pathetic right now. My daughter was gone again and still I could do nothing but cry about it.
Why did I have to go through that loss again? What kind of a sadistic vision was that?
I could only curl up, cry, and growl, my arms wrapped around me.
They made me so angry, broke my heart so badly.
Why did my parents force me through such pain? What did I do to make them hate me so? Why did Constance's adoptive parents not realize that I did not want to say goodbye to my daughter? Were they just that blind?
I was the one who gave birth to her! That girl belonged to me! She wasn't supposed to hate me like this!
What did these plants do to make me breakdown like this? Why were my wounds so fresh again?
And then suddenly two vines wrapped around each leg and two others did the same with each arm. They held me down.
"Wait, hold up! What's going on?!" I had barely composed myself from another mental break and like a fool did I talk to these plants like they could actually hear me.
I could not pull myself free as their grip on me was just much too strong. I was completely at their mercy as all I managed to do was tighten their hold when I struggled.
What is it that these plants want? What drives them to pin me down like this? Are they like a venus fly trap? Is there some source to these vines that took a liking to animals, mobians, and humans instead of insects?
Than I need to get out of here, I don't want to die.
I have... never realised this before... But I didn't want to die. I wanted to experience motherhood at least once in my life. Just one time do I want to hold a baby that's mine, an infant that I know I will be allowed to raise and love for once, one that won't grow up to hate me.
Before I realised it, I was close to resume my bawling as that realisation had made this unmeasurable pain settle in my chest, grown only worse by the loss I had suffered and never healed from, leaving it to fester like an infected wound.
But, as if able to sense my overwhelming sorrow, one of the free green tendrils moved to carress my face. It was almost loving in the way my cheek was stroked, like it was comforting me.
Its efforts were in vain as this agony could not be stilled. If time didn't manage to heal me in all these twenty years, than I doubt these will be able to.
That will to fight that I possessed for at least a full minute was gone again as I let other vines join the apparent exploration of my body.
Soon enough, they began to tug on my clothes, my pants especially. I let them have their way, not having the will to fight them.
My belt gave in and as it ripped the rest of my trousers soon followed. I don't know what business they had down there, but I figured that clothes would only get in the way of it. It wasn't like I could stop them either way.
My boxers soon followed and that's when I raised my head to look at my lower body, at what they could possibly want with me there as the tugging on my other clothes suddenly ceased.
A gasp left me when one of the tendrils suddenly touched me somewhere intimate.
Admittedly, I had rarely been touched there ever since I started focussing on photography a mere decade ago, much different from the first decade that had passed. So to be touched there by something like this was bone chilling to say the least. And I couldn't pull myself free either.
I've barely had any longlasting relationships these past few years, so to feel something like this boldly touching my pussy and even rubbing me between those two lower lips made a cold chill run down my spine.
My body shivered as I felt that strange texture rubbing against my clitoris and stroking over my entrance.
What were these things trying to do? It didn't seem like they were trying to pleasure or creep me out on purpose. It felt like they were trying to search for something, the sensations that I felt were just a natural consequence.
And then they found it when that vine-like tendril found my opening and suddenly pushed all the way inside. I could only gasp like the air got knocked out of me and my body tried to curl up at the stabbing pain that I experienced when the very tip of the tendril thrusted far enough into my body to touch my cervix.
And it felt like that was impaled too.
"Get out! Get out!" I started thrashing in the hopes of getting this thing out of my womb, but I couldn't get loose, I was completely at their mercy.
I don't know why they found it necessary, but the soft vine suddenly started moving. It was slowly and steadily thrusting in and out of my womb, creating a friction that wasn't all too uncomfortable.
I was left to endure whatever ritual this thing, this living and thinking organism covering this section of the cave, was performing on me. My body shook and rocked as the thrusting continued, sweat soon covering my fur in a thin layer.
It moved in and out of my vagina and like any other penetration this had an effect on me too. I was growing wet, my juices escaped me and moistened both the tendril and me. My pussy was now moist and also my inner thighs were soaked.
"No... This is..." I panted as the thrusting was taking a toll on me, the slightly rough texture rubbing up on my G-spot like it was on purpose.
Discomfort made way for pleasure and I don't even know why it bothered.
I don't understand anything right now... First that vision and now the apparent mating?
It must've thought that I was prepared enough because the tendril pulled out all the way, dripping my juices down on the mossy floor beneath us, and folded the soaked part in two before pushing back inside to continue its thrusting, stretching my entrance further.
What was it doing? I assume a plant can't cum, so was it preparing me for something?
The vines spreading my legs widened the space and wrapped around my wet thighs too, ensuring for sure that they would not move.
It felt like I was stretched so wide down there now. Not enough to hurt me as I slowly got used to the stretch or draw any blood, but it was a little discomforting. And the thing was pushing and pushing against my cervix too.
Was it trying to penetrate my already violated womb again too? With that size?
As my head reeled and my body suddenly froze up, that is exactly what happened.
It hurt... so badly... So why did I feel pleasure? Why did I feel like I could actually achieve an orgasm like this?
I managed to compose myself a little as the thrusting kept on going, the friction created now caused my pussy to completely soak my butt and the moss beneath me too.
Moans now escaped my vocals and I even tried to gyrate and move my hips as my pleasure gradually reached its boiling point.
Such an overwhelming mix of emotions. I both wanted and didn't want this to end.
The vine mating me had me so distracted, occupied in every meaning of the word, that I didn't notice a different one moving out of the hole I was stuck in and out of sight.
Only when it returned and flashed something white in my vision did I manage to pay attention enough again to look at what it was.
It was an egg. The vine was holding a damn egg!
Was that going to be pushed inside next?
As the tendril massaging my inner walls pulled back, I knew that was exactly the case.
So that was why all that stretching was necessary. That egg had to be able to fit in me.
Exactly what would happen after it was planted inside? What kind of consequences would this have on my body?
More vines joined my restraints and this time even a couple wrapped around my waist to keep me completely still. I could not move an inch.
I felt panic coursing through me as the egg was brought closer to my lower body, any sign of my orgasm gone.
Despites there being a vine wrapped around my neck to keep me still, it didn't seem to want to cause me harm on purpose as I could just lift my head to witness the soaked tentacle coat the white shell in my natural lubricant to make it easier to push in.
Once the entire white surface was covered in a thin sheen of my vaginal fluid, my restraints grew tougher and the lukewarm shell was pressed against my somewhat looser opening, my lower lips kept spread apart by two tiny tentacles.
As my birth canal gave way, I could only grimace as it was pushed inside, my whole face scrunching up from the agonising stretch and it could almost compare to giving birth.
I suppose that was exactly what was happening right now, except in reverse.
"Oh... Chaos..." I gasped, barely able to breath as it took so painstakingly long for the soaked vine to push that large fist-sized egg inside.
My inner walls were stretched so wide to let that perfectly round thing pass through. The last time I experienced this kind of pain was when I was giving birth to Constance. Absolutely nothing else compares.
And then it had to get through my cervix too. When it neared, that was what I dreaded the most. Honestly, without contractions to distract me, I felt like I was about to die.
When it popped into my womb after one last terrible stabbing sensation, the pain faded away to be replaced by a numb throbbing and I laid absolutely limp on the mossy ground. I felt numb in both body and soul.
I could not move, could not breath, could barely think. Even as the vines retreated and let me be did I not have the strength to move. Instead I lied there spread eagle.
It took a long while for me to compose myself. When I finally did, I sluggishly lifted my head to look at my lower body.
What I saw was a small bump on my normally flat belly and obviously it was caused by the egg weighing down my womb.
Somehow I found the strength to move my body and lift my torso up to look at the mess my lower half's become, though I could not even think of sitting up right now.
As I saw blood staining my inner thighs and the moss, I knew enough. I had injuries that now needed healing.
I fell back down, my energy waning, and covered my eyes with an arm.
Why didn't I fight harder? How am I supposed to go back home now with this mass occupying my uterus? Constance will be able to tell, she always notices. She'll think I will have betrayed and replaced her.
No, I don't want anyone to see me like this, especially not her.
I have no choice but to stay and hope that one day it will leave me.

'The 13th of February 2017,
It's been a while since my last update, longer than the planned two weeks in fact, and I just mean to tell everyone that I'm just fine. You needn't worry for me, though it's been such a long time.
My trip to my latest location was simply... unexpected, to say the least. I can't explain it other than that something incredibly amazing happened to me and that I will be gone for an indefinite amount of time.
I will probably return, but until then, this is me signing off for now.
I'll talk to you again when I can.
- Shadow'

A sigh of relief left me as I got to upload my last message to my website just in time before my phone died completely and I was left to stare at a black screen.
I had the thing off this whole time, but apparently neglected to charge the battery during the night I spend at the hotel, most likely because my mind had been a bit preoccupied.
But this was it. The last time I'd talk to the outside world in a long, long time to come.
That should reassure them, whoever still cared, and keep people from trying to search for me should I ever be reported missing for my inactivity.
As if anyone would give a damn.
Either way, I want no one to interrupt this peace and contentment that I'm finally experiencing. No one.
I leant back against the cave wall covered in moss, the texture surprisingly soft against my bare body as I was no longer dressed. I could hardly bring myself to move from this nest, so soft and warm. I didn't want to. Whatever this organism was, it was taking good care of me, even kept me fed and healthy.
As I found a comfortable position, my hands settled on my abdomen and so did my gaze, but it wasn't that small heavy bump they saw and touched.
During the course of these last three months I had grown considerably and even that was an understatement. Compared to a normal mobian pregnancy, I looked and felt like I was six months far now.
I was round, heavy, hormonal, and just bustling with life.
That one egg, though it was a traumatic experience to have it pushed into me, had somehow taken after me. I could feel a pair of hands and feet moving about in there. A mobian hedgehog was growing in there, I just knew it. It felt so similar to when I carried my daughter, except there was no dread.
No parents to shake their heads at their disgraceful child and force the option of adoption onto me by introducing me to suitable parents the day before I give birth. No one to take my infant away from me. No one to doubt a distraught sixteen year old's loud cries to return their child when their tired and torn body could not move from the bed.
I would be able to raise this baby. Boy or another girl, I would be the best mother this child could ever ask for.
"Calm down in there already. My womb is not a football!" I told the unborn infant, though I chuckled. It calmed down almost as soon as it heard my voice.
I let this feeling of peace rule me as I sunk further into the soft moss and kept my hands on my belly, stroking it softly and enjoying the sensation of the kicks slowing down fast as my baby fell asleep.
"Good night." I told the tired baby. As if telling me the same, he or she decided to kick one last time before everything grew quiet in there for the night.
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