Dude, Where’s My Balls?


A story by Sharako Cloudcat


Featuring: 


Maximilian Evelyn Lawson the 3rd 
An American Pine Marten: Martes americana


Chip 
A Cheetah : Acinonyx Jubatus


Maxlab
A Lab/Wolf Mix : Canis Lupus Familiaris 


Doctor Jake Yeager 
A Thylacine : Thylacinus cynocephalus


Toast
A Coyote/Fox : Canis Latrans/ Vulpes vulpes


Cody
An Eastern Spotted Skunk : Spilogale Putorius








        Loud noise permeated the frat house, as several large dudes walked into the front door. The front deck was full of animals of all species chilling and drinking. Several of the large jocks were hitting on some of the nerds from the video gaming program. One of the shorter nerds, a border collie, was packing quite a bulge that it was quite obvious to anyone looking at him. His pants were almost about to burst from his inebriated erection that was throbbing against a panther jock that was getting extremely friendly. The two of them leaned in to get closer together. Heat radiated from them, forming a pungent alcoholic steam as the two embraced. Their lips locking in a sloppy, lustful and inebriated kiss. 


        Max, a punk pine marten, rolled down the sidewalk and up to the frat house. He kicked up the board and grabbed it with his paw. Max was wearing his Jerk-O brand jeans, white tank top and jean vest hoodie.  His blue and red flame mohawk flashed in the light of the porch as he walked up and into the house. The main room was a buzz with college students and other young adults drinking and partying. 


        Max stashed his board behind the couch in the livingroom and made his way to the kegs that were set up not too far away. He grabbed a red solo cup and poured himself a drink. The smell of the alcohol was everywhere, as Max downed the pungent drink in a few gulps. He quickly poured another cup and made his way to one of the back rooms where some other animals were partying the night away.


        The back room had a few folding tables set up. A pool table was in the middle of the room. Several of the guys stood around the pool table, drinking and chatting. Chip, a cheetah, wearing faded blue jeans, a light gray undershirt, with a darker gray button up over shirt and some goggles on his head, and was up next to shoot the pool balls. He lined up his que and hit the balls, causing them to scatter along the table. Sitting down the stick he grabbed his cup of beer. He got a glance across the room and spotted Max gulping down his second beer. 


        Chip walked over to Max, thinking about how that little shit broke into his locker and stole his lucky jockstrap. “So you managed to show up. I’m surprised a little punk like you has the balls to show up, especially after I know what you did in the locker room.” Chip boasted as he got uncomfortably close to Max. “The hell you talking about?” Max replied. Max was shorter than Chip but not by much, but Max didn’t care, he was never one to back down from anything in his life. 


        “Well tell ya what, You out drink me and you can keep what ya took, but if I win… well let’s just keep it a surprise.” Chip said as he looked down at the little brat. “You’re on Bro!” shouted Max confidently. “Be ready to Lose!” Boosted Max. 


        “Then let’s do it. I hope you like losing.” Chip said as he moved over to the plastic folding table that was set up not too far away. Max followed him and sat down across from Chip. The two of them stared at each other, it was on! 


        A Tasmanian devil came over to officiate the challenge. “Okay you two, rules are you keep drinking until someone passes out. Chip, since you challenged Max, you take the first drink.” Daryl the tazzy devil slammed down a bottle of everclear and two shot bottles. He poured two shots and passed them to Max and Chip. 


        “Bottoms up bro!” Chip said as he slammed back his first shot then slammed the shot glass on the table. Max grabbed his own and proceeded to take his shot.  The two cups of beer had already impacted his system, and had him quite buzzed already. Daryl poured the guys two more shots, which Chip and Max quickly drank.  It was five shots in and Chip was barely feeling buzzed, but Max was not looking so hot. His speech was slurred “I am going ta win.” stuttered Max as he took his sixth shot and passed out on the table. His head slammed on the table, making a loud noise.  Chip took another shot and stood up. “Well, looks like I win.” The room cheered as Chip stood up victorious over the marten. 


        Chip knew what he wanted for his revenge and had specifically planned to do it at the party. He walked over to Max who was passed out, and pulled down his pants. Without hesitation Chip cuffed Max’s huge balls at the base of the sack. The metal ring clicked together and started to glow.  It then made a thunk sound and Max’s balls rolled free.  The still alive balls had been portaled off. If Max had been awake he would have felt his balls as Chip grabbed and manhandled the severed eggs. “These are mine now.” grinned Chip as he walked off with Max’s balls.




______________________________________________________________________




        Max awoke with a killer headache. His hangover was really hitting him hard. “Uh what happened.” Last night was a blur, but Max thought to himself as he stretched out on the couch. His shirt was still on, but his pants were missing.  His hand instinctively went down to scratch his balls but failed to find them. There was a cold feeling about them. “W… What?”  Max stammered as he looked down with shock. “Dude, Where’s My Balls?” Max said as he looked down even closer to see the metallic ring that portaled his balls away. 


        Chip had been ready for this moment and snapped a photo of Max with a polaroid.  The picture spat out the front of the camera. Chip started wading the photo as it developed. “Dude, the look on your face was SO worth it.” Chip said as he gloated. 


        “Where the hell are they Chip?” Max was not amused. “Oh fine. I got my photo. I left them in the jello mold in the Fridge.” Chip said as he walked off. “Enjoy the Jockstrap by the way. You can keep it.” yelled Chip as he walked out the front door of the frat house. 


        Not caring that he was pantsless and everyone could see his lack of balls under his puffy sheath, Max walked over to the kitchen and the fridge. He opened the door and looked in. There were just some slices of pizza with some green fuzzy thing that looked molded on top of it. The jello bowl was missing. “Shit!” Max yelled as he looked around the kitchen. His luck was on his side as he spotted some green jello on the carpet. Then another in a trail, that led Max to someone else who had done a bit of partying last night and had gotten drunk. 


        It was a yellow canid, who looked to be of mixed species. The jello bowl was tucked in his hands as he slept away the booze in his system. Max shook the canine awake. “Dude, Wake Up. Where are my balls?! You didn’t eat them did you?” Max asked frantically. The canine slowly woke up, dropping the bowl on the floor. “Huh.” said the canine hybrid curiously. “What?” Max looked him dead in the eye.  “My balls were put in the bowl as a prank. Where are they?” 


        Maxlab looked back at Max, “Oh those things.  I took them out over at the pool table.  We used them as pool balls for a while.  It was lots of fun.  I um,  I think some Professor or something took them. He was a thylacine or something. I think he was like some sort of drink or something. Yeager? He won them in a wager I think.” the lab looked down at his own naked body and noticed his own balls were gone.  Not portaled, but seemed to be removed surgically, only leaving a nice scar. “Guess he took mine too. Oh well. Not like I needed them.” The canine stretched and rolled on the couch. “Good luck.” Maxlab yawned and fell back asleep.




        Max hustled out of the frat house as fast as his stubbly little marten legs could carry him. The urgency to find his balls grew as he ran down to the medical teaching wing. It might have been a Saturday, but there were still some weekend classes taking place. Max had met doctor Yeager before for a required medical exam for admittance to Taurance Community College. Max had an inkling that Dr. Yeager would be in his office, and scurried his way down the medical teaching halls and found the Office. 


        Max knocked on the large wooden door with frosted glass in the center. Black letters were written on it; Dr. Jake Yeager, Head of Andrological Studies. After a few moments Max knocked again and opened the door. A voice came from behind the door. “I’m busy, come back later!” , but it was too late, Max had opened the door to see doctor Yeager with his pants down. His ball sack had tucked itself into his protective pouch, leaving room for his large erect double headed penis to flop onto his pelvis. His cloacal hood was held open by his erect double header. Dr. Yeager’s soft, dexterous paws were stroking himself in front of a large pile of testicles and penises on his deck. The shelves behind him had medical jars with parts of male reproductive anatomy in them. Labels of the species, names and ages were written on them. 


        Max stood there in shock to see the pile of balls on the desk. It was a lot and hopefully he had found his lost boys. The sudden intrusion sent Jake over the edge and started shooting his potent man milk out both tips of his penis. The spunk landed with a wet plop onto his belly and onto the severed manhoods on the desk. The orgasm kept Jake distracted with pleasure as Max closed the door behind him and walked further into the office.  


        Max looked at the strange penis that doctor Yeager was sporting. He had never seen a thylacine naked before and it was exciting to see something so exotic. His own weenie started to poke out of his sheath. Max shook his head coming back to his senses and looked at the thylacine right in the eyes. “You were at the party last night, yeah?” Max inquired as he pointed at the pile of male bits. “Are um my pine nuts in there?” Max needed to know.


        Jake grabbed a towel that was close by and started cleaning himself off. “Oh yeah last night was a blast.  I saw ya passed out on the couch. Your boys were already detached. You look quite cute without them. I think I won them at a pool game last night after I took a few mixed nuts and sausages off of some of the drunk frat boys. I got quite the lovely stack wouldn’t you say?” Jake grinned as he finished cleaning himself off and put a paw through the large pile of balls, causing them to tumble over each other. 


        “I recall stashing yours in my back pocket. It made it hard to sit down on the drive to the local Pizza Mutt. I didn’t mind though.  I knew you were still attached to them and were gonna be waking up with a really bad ache in your balls. The pizza boy there was hella cute, but he wasn’t playing my game and giving me fun down his pants. I skipped the bill but I left him with a large sack, with your balls still in it. I wonder how pissed he got when he found out.” 


        Max’s hope sank as he heard that. He still felt the chill from his balls, so they must be somewhere still alive. “Which Pizza Mutt? The one on the other end of campus?” Max asked in a rush. “Yah, but you really should just let me remove that ring and be a cute gib for me.” Jack said, looking at the null zone between Max’s legs. “Hell Nah.” Max said as he turned around and left out the door that he came through in a rush to get across campus as fast as possible. 


        “I really need to lock my office door when I jack it.” Jake said as the door shut. Max ran down the hallway and saw a skateboard laying at the end. He grabbed it as he burst through the doors. Quickly throwing the board under him, he rolled down the sidewalk shoving students out of the way as he streaked across campus. Max’s dummy thick ass flapping in the wind caused his cheeks to clap loudly warning anyone in his way of his impending arrival on the stolen board. 


        It wasn’t long until Max reached his destination, the Pizza Mutt. The old building from the 80’s was a long rectangular brick building with an arched red roof. Glass windows along the side opened up the eating space of the building. The front door was tinted glass with the words Pizza Mutt on the front.  A small sign on the door said “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service.”, but Max ignored that as he walked in holding the Red Rocket Roller Board in his hand. 


        The pizza joint was empty except for a tall orange canine with blue hair.  He was dressed in black pants and a red shirt that read Pizza Mutt on the back. The Coyfox turned around revealing a nametag that read Toast. He looked at the punk marten in front of him “Hi welcome to Pizza Butt” he said out of habit. He noticed that the marten was missing shoes and pants. His poofy sheath poked out but his package left much to desire with his balls missing. 


        “You um… Need shoes to eat here. Unless you’re here for a pick up.” Toast said as he looked down at Max. “Oh Nah dude, I lost uh something. Some dude uh… Stole my balls as a Joke and left them here.” Inquired Max uncomfortably. He looked around, maybe they were laying around, but no luck.  “Oh Shit, those were your huge knockers? Yeah I had them last night. They probably got eaten dude. Some ass hat professor dude was in here last night trying to get in my pants.  He probably wanted to take my nards with how he was boasting. He stiffed me on the bill and just left your balls as a tip. We were slammed last night and I had to go help with delivery to a frat house. That place also always stiffs me on a tip when I deliver, so I totally got back at them and threw your balls on the pizza. Serves them right.”  


        “Wait, the…” Max stopped mid sentence as he felt something finally. It felt like warm hands plating with his testicles. “Shit someone has them!” Max yelled as he quickly turned and ran out the door.  The feel was a gentle palpation, and then the shock of really cold water. His abdomen sucked up a bit trying to raise the balls closer to his body, but nothing happened. Max felt a gentle yet firm rubbing and grooming of his balls. “Wherever my balls are, I hope someone is being nice to them.” Max climbed on the skateboard and started to roll down the street. 


Max turned a corner as he felt a sharp pain to his sack and a pressure to his missing fruit. “Oh god.” Max yelped as the pain got more intense. It was as if someone was puncturing his testicles. Max grunted as he got his balance back. He had dealt with pain before, and used his strength to fight it to get back to the frat house. 


The sharp prodding turned to a pressure and pulling feeling. Max felt more pressure and then a wriggling. A sharp pressure and pain continued over and over again. It was at the limits of what Max could take. He had managed to get to the steps of the frat house where his journey started. He could barely get up the stairs with the deep pain in his belly.  He turned to look into the kitchen, remembering he saw a Pizza Butt box in the fridge. 


A skunk was standing at the oven with a ceramic pot, about to slide it in. Max couldn’t tell what was in the container beyond some crumbles and bits of something that looked like hotdog meat.  Looking to the counter Max saw his empty sack skin laying on a cutting board. The ring was still attached to the sack. It had been sliced open, the tunica albuginea, epididymis and spermatic cords were protruding out of the sack. The flesh of Max’s testicles had been scooped out and were nowhere to be seen. 


“My Testicles” Max cried out as his heart sank realizing he hadn’t found them in time. The sharp pain had eased up, but the deep aching cramping feeling remained. Max limped over to grab his emptied sack. The skunky smell of pot wafted in the air as the oven closed, sealing the ceramic bowl in the three hundred and fifty degree heat to bake. Cody looked over at Max who was now at the end of the counter. Cody was wearing some pajama pants and a space racoon shirt that matched. His pink bloodshot eyes looked at Max. “Why ya so upset over some Avocados bro. They didn’t have a name on it so thought it was up for grabs.” Cody said not realizing what he had actually used. 


“That’s not avocado, it was my portaled testicles dude. You fukin’ cooked my balls!” Max said as he tried to push the remains of his tender cords back inside the sack. “Oh.. you want some? I don’t mind sharing. I made some delicious three cheese, mac and cheese. I put some crumbles and I guess your pine nuts on it. Made enough for a bunch of people.” giggled Cody. He looked at the time. “ It will be done in like 30 min. It’s the least I can do.” 


Max knew there was no going back, his virile boys had been plucked and baked. His tummy rumbled as he hadn’t eaten yet today. “What the hell, Let’s do it. I hope my pine nuts taste good on that Max & Cheese.” said Max, a little defeated but his hunger was winning at the moment.  Max waddled over to the couch and grabbed his pants and put them back on as Cody was looking at his phone to pass the time. 


A loud Ding came from the oven. “Oh, the food is done.” Cody said excitedly. He put on some oven mitts and pulled out the Max & cheese. He sat it on the counter near the bar stools. The oven had toasted the crumbles and slices of Max’s nuts. The smell was overwhelmingly cheesy and meaty. The smell made Max’s and Cody’s tummies rumble with hunger. “Hope you enjoy. I think pine nuts are a good choice.” Cody said as he handed Max a spoon. Max took the spoon and looked at the meal in front of him, his cut up pine nuts looked delicious despite knowing they were once inside of him, pumping testosterone through his system. 


“Well, here goes nothing.” Max said reluctantly as he plunged the spoon in and grabbed a good chunk of his left pine nut with the cheese and noodles and stuffed it in his mouth. The taste was overwhelmingly cheesy, the breading gave a good crunch and his nut meat brought a savory meaty flavor with a little hint of saltiness.Max had never tasted anything as good and decadent as this. “Holy Shit. I taste Amazing!” Max said with his mouth full.  He swallowed and took another bite. Cody started eating the Max & cheese, enjoying it and fixing his munchies. The two of them continued eating until the entire bowl was gone. 


Cody and Max stretched, having filled their bellies, letting the sleepiness settle in. “As much as I hate ta admit it, that was good.” Max said as he looked over at the empty couch. Max yawned, “I think I’m gonna crash a bit.” He walked over to the couch and flopped on it. Getting comfy, Max drifted off to sleep, knowing he was a gib and wondered what kind of prosthetics he could get. 










The End…