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The brief worlds outside our own where the comical and mischief meet with the absurd and estranged. Where anything can happen when you're a kid and the just plain stupid happens when you're an adult. I remember a lot of fond times and life changing perspectives brought on by gaming. None of them so much though as The Elder Scrolls and Fallout.\n\nYou tend to learn a bit about yourself too in the games you play and sometimes what you find may not always be what you thought you would. Why not take these next few minutes and dive with me into my head as I tell you\n\nWHAT ELDER SCROLLS AND FALLOUT TAUGHT ME ABOUT MYSELF\n-----------------------------------------------------------------\n\n- Opportunity Comes Before Morality -\n\nWhen I had been much younger and in the safer days of gaming where princesses were waiting to be saved from the castles by dashing heroes and way too obviously evil corporations used the spirit of our planet as an energy resource, I knew what side I stood on.I was the hero! The good guy, The only one in that special group of everyone else who was the only one to make things right...or...something like that. Don't get me wrong though, even as a kid I had my fair share of grand theft auto rampages and Turok slaughters. Ah..I can still see the blood.\n \nI did the right thing most times though. When the villages were on fire I was going out of my way to fend off the bandits and right the wrongs. Saving Hyrule without even a thank you and just like that wandering back into obscurity. I was the hero who went out of the way to save the day and the world.Most video games especially before and during the 90's had the cartoon uniformity of simplistic expectation and vision. Old and ugly people were evil with a limited color pallet of black and red. Young and beautiful people were always good and colorful, flowing with life!\n \nSure they may have been jerks but you know what they were the good guys and you were one of them to the end! That is of course until I entered the realm of The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion. One of the first games that I played and considered an in depth RPG. Oh...Oh Cyrodiil you deceptively colorful and condemingly natural bitch. Here was an expansive land of many places, sights, wonders and death. Oh my lord all that death.Sure I started out in a prison but by the time I finally got out for the fresh air and sunlight I was too foolishly entranced to expect the dangers.\n \nThe sky was a beautiful blue, the tree's of nature swaying in the winds. A heaven of a video game world to me. Not too far off from my escape did I find a small campfire with two figures silently enjoying the warmth of the flame. They looked natural and decent so I figured why not talk to them? Upon my approach and without warning Daggers and swords were drawn and suddenly I found two pieces of sharp metal where they should not have been: My abdomen. \n\n But why?! What had I done? I was the good guy, the one chosen by the emperor to save the land! All I wanted was to simply talk to you assholes and instead I get my head cut off! WHO DOES THAT?! In my second approach there were no words. In fact I managed to kill one of them with overpowered use of my magical flames before they could even stand. When all was quiet again I began to go through the clothes on their fallen bodies for whatever I desired. Imagine that. I burned them to death and went through their charred corpses as I pleased without a second thought. Was this what a hero did?\n \nI'd managed what I believed was valuable and what was not and began to leave. These items were not stolen, just taken off the dead who deserved it. That was my mentality from there out. Self righteously taking everything from those who deserved it. Where were the limits to that thought?\n Soon after I became better acquainted with the lands Heading village to village I learned of many people with many stories. Tales here, troubles there, wants, needs and desires. I'd realized then as I accumulated a list of tasks that I'd become solely objective of what was and was not necessary.\nI had become more interested in the haunted manor because I wanted a house, not helping that damn fisherman with the gimp leg! To hell with him if he could not afford to eat let alone walk. ADVENTURE.\n\n I was the hero and heroes had needs!...many...MANY needs. The objectivity did not end there however, that would have been tame in comparison to my future choices. As I began to accumulate gold and level I became less entranced with my wealth and heroism. I had no longer only been selective of my quests, but heavily dedicated to the unique rewards extended by the choices I made. If you are an Elder Scrolls Player you may know at this point not all choices can be considered \" Good \" and they weren't.\n \nSomewhere deep inside I questioned myself what went wrong. Why I had strayed from doing right to only doing for myself. Where the selfish and self serving attitude became the dominate aspect of my character and me. The answer had been short and all too clear: Choice. What The elder Scrolls had offered me was not Black and white but Grey.Where games of old taught me the values of my questing and the absolutes of good and evil, Elder Scrolls taught me the leverage of exploitation and moral leverage.The truth though was that I never really had all that much choice to believe otherwise. I just did because everyone else told me it was what I had to. I had to be the savior and do what was right.\n \nIt just took years of the same struggles over the same powers that I had come to form my own absolutes. When Elder Scrolls came along I finally found the silent Freedom that never judged. There were no fairies to tell me where to go and who to face, there was just people, and then there was me. \nEventually I'd begun to lesson the divides of Black and white until the two finally aligned into a singular grey, one where no one was innocent and everyone was a means to the next goal.\n\nI had begun to reach into Fallout 3 by this time, dabbling into the curiosity of Science Fiction than mythical. The rules had not changed. In fact, they had become all the more necessary. In the land where Killer Robots and vile mutants take no prisoners you learn to pride on ammunition reserve and pray for Nuclear Winter. The stakes were high and I was always a step away from danger wherever it lurked. That was everywhere.\n\nI'd once found a vender out in the open, a wanderer of the wastes with his brahmin and travel guard. Fending off a giant scorpion is no picnic even with the right gear on hand. I would have helped but another thought had arisen in my mind. If the vender had died then all their loot could be mine.\nI'd then begun to consider the re flow of their inventory if they were to remain alive but by then the Scorpion had finished with all three of them and was steadily turning my way. Needless to say I found some great gear and walked away without so much as a single sting. Nothing a good night sleep can't fix...or the recently taken stimpax.\n\n In the end I had fully reconciled with myself about the man the boy had grown into through the games. I'd become a scavenger. One without a name who did as he pleased when he pleased without the thought of consequence, only reward. For a long while that was enough...Until...\n\n- I can Never Have Enough Things -\n\nReturning back to the days of old once more I'm reminded of a time where video games didn't need a whole lot of incentive to feel invested. The adventure was there and overcoming the challenge was everything! At times I sort of still wish for that innocence. That ignorance. I once had the gift to just do without another word.\n\nSure there were the hidden little treats every now and then. Yoshi Story on the N64 had Secret colored Yoshis you could find if you looked or played hard enough. Banjo And Kazooie was the ultimate platter for a collect-a-thon. They just never had any real merit to them other than advancing the game or being patted on the back digitally. \n\nThen the Elder Scrolls came around like one sly fuck, grinning the grin only a bad uncle can give and introduced me to a place I can never recover from. I call it the Hoarder's Den. It differs from game to game but eventually it all melds into the same thing. One way or another I've come to find actually.\n In Fallout 3 I made my home in Megaton. Nice place and I'd done a couple of things just to get it. In New Vegas it was my own room in Novak. Skyrim, please.........* cough* Proudspire Manor * Cough * The point being was that a pattern had developed with each home I invested in. This sort of tick like clockwork which would only begin with homestead ownership.\n\nEverything I would find: Weaponry, clothes, even a human heart...one way or another it all found a place in my home. I'd had chests filled to the brim with potions, Wardrobe upon wardrobe of garments and wears. Guns always belonged next to the drugs. Duh. A curious effect had begun to surround myself and this drive for collection. \n\nHand in hand opportunity and Hoarding went into full partnership on my behalf. At first it would be the simple things. \" Oh that looks like a nice sword. \" \" Wow, this was the only book of it's kind out here. \" but sooner than later it full on turned into \" Yes I know this man could have saved the kingdom from Necromancers but his soul gem looks nice above my fireplace. \" \n\n Bad times indeed. I'd gone from the hero out to save the world to a silent man who muttered to himself incoherently as he double checked is cub bards to make sure there was two of everything. I'm that man who you probably sit next to at the bus stop and try your best to look like you're not inching away from before you full on sprint it down the street because my crazed eyes are contemplating things only I can think.\n\nBy that point in time there was not even the concept of black or white. Where the hell was I? What was I doing? None of that mattered as much as the completion of what I could never complete. It didn't matter how many things I had or how many skulls I could fit underneath my bed. I intended to keep filling my digital space until I died via the physics system crashing on me the second I opened the front door.\n\nThe lives I'd sacrificed, the evils I'd unleashed upon those worlds....damn if it wasn't worth it to have that one amulate whose name and abilities I cannot remember right now...and probably ever. The truth is that outside of these games I would not considered myself to have hoarder tendencies. In fact I've believed in less being more for both my life style and presentation. Walk into my room and chances are other than a few plants, glowing salt rocks and my computer alongside a small handful of books...there would be little to anything else. I'd like to imagine I have the mental restraint from collecting every rock I find.\n\nI know I do not collect and harvest the butterflies that come into my path. Certainly haven't stuffed a human organ in my drawers for a few years now. I guess the truth is that in the gaming universe there is no true restraint. That with each and every piece of human hair you collect and painstakingly apply to your downstairs kitchen table, that world feels all the more personal and in that sense real.\n\n Perhaps it is an outcry and yearning for purpose beyond the perimeters of the game's expectations, maybe it is a self satisfying objective with no bars set. Whatever the case or reason, I know it will never be enough. Not until I can fit all the NPC's into little Bottles and set them on my window seal......Can you do that? I think there's a mod that can let do that. Let me check.\n\n- I'm Worse Than I Thought -\n\nThe title sounds a bit harsh but I'm like...97% certain that if the kid me saw what had become of the adult gamer me at this point...well he'd probably find some way to kick my ass. I have some fight to me but I really am certain he has a bit more. That and a good back before that drunk driving hit accident. No I wasn't drunk. I WAS THE ONE WHO GOT- Look let's drop it.\n\nWhen my mind was still young and not filled with the nonsense only time and the cynicism of reality can bring..I saw a beautiful world where anything could happen. We all were the heroes in it and each day was just the start to greater things. I didn't really give two shits though because let's be honest here, I'm certain most of my schedule was one half Bill Nye The Science guy and the other Gaming.\n\nStill, I saw a lot of myself in the heroes I wanted to be. I was unsure of my identity, something today I do not believe in truly having still but the characters I portrayed in some way reflected a bit of myself. Somehow a little of who I wanted to be if I wanted to. Cloud was misunderstood and he even hated himself, I could relate. He did the right thing though and I wanted to be just like that....m-minus the hair thing.\n\nHell I wanted to be like most square Enix and Nintendo Characters. Just free and full of this semi inhuman mysticism that somehow was just accepted. Then MOTHERFUCKING ELDER SCROLLS AGAIN. We all know where this story goes and where it ended up. The boy had become a man who was no more a hero now than when he started. In fact, he had become the complete opposite. He'd become the villain in a way who did as he pleased.\n\n He'd brought warring factions against one another in the desert just so that he could acquire a useless mask that looked good to him. He'd unleashed a dark goddess upon an unsuspecting world because he wanted to see what would happen. He'd slain a priest because an evil voice inside his head said the mace in his hand could be his and so it became. That little me wouldn't be looking at a hero he wanted to be.\n\nHe'd probably be 300 Spartan kicking himself into kirby's gullet just to save him the disappointment the following years would bring. You know what though? I say fuck the childhood me. I say I'm glad to be where I am and having discovered what I really am because the truth is only just and the lie is little than. As a gamer I'd taken myself to a place I dared never check nor question, and as myself laughed at terrible things I should never have laughed at.\n\n Oblivion, Skyrim, Fallout and New Vegas. You taught me that I could be anything inside my head. It's true that at times I may not like what I see but damn if I cannot still laugh on my insane rampages throughout the lands that give me that freedom. That only freedom to really be me. ", "description_bbcode_parsed": "Ah video games. The brief worlds outside our own where the comical and mischief meet with the absurd and estranged. Where anything can happen when you're a kid and the just plain stupid happens when you're an adult. I remember a lot of fond times and life changing perspectives brought on by gaming. None of them so much though as The Elder Scrolls and Fallout.

You tend to learn a bit about yourself too in the games you play and sometimes what you find may not always be what you thought you would. Why not take these next few minutes and dive with me into my head as I tell you

WHAT ELDER SCROLLS AND FALLOUT TAUGHT ME ABOUT MYSELF
-----------------------------------------------------------------

- Opportunity Comes Before Morality -

When I had been much younger and in the safer days of gaming where princesses were waiting to be saved from the castles by dashing heroes and way too obviously evil corporations used the spirit of our planet as an energy resource, I knew what side I stood on.I was the hero! The good guy, The only one in that special group of everyone else who was the only one to make things right...or...something like that. Don't get me wrong though, even as a kid I had my fair share of grand theft auto rampages and Turok slaughters. Ah..I can still see the blood.
 
I did the right thing most times though. When the villages were on fire I was going out of my way to fend off the bandits and right the wrongs. Saving Hyrule without even a thank you and just like that wandering back into obscurity. I was the hero who went out of the way to save the day and the world.Most video games especially before and during the 90's had the cartoon uniformity of simplistic expectation and vision. Old and ugly people were evil with a limited color pallet of black and red. Young and beautiful people were always good and colorful, flowing with life!
 
Sure they may have been jerks but you know what they were the good guys and you were one of them to the end! That is of course until I entered the realm of The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion. One of the first games that I played and considered an in depth RPG.   Oh...Oh Cyrodiil you deceptively colorful and condemingly natural bitch. Here was an expansive land of many places, sights, wonders and death. Oh my lord all that death.Sure I started out in a prison but by the time I finally got out for the fresh air and sunlight I was too foolishly entranced to expect the dangers.
 
The sky was a beautiful blue, the tree's of nature swaying in the winds. A heaven of a video game world to me. Not too far off from my escape did I find a small campfire with two figures silently enjoying the warmth of the flame. They looked natural and decent so I figured why not talk to them? Upon my approach and without warning Daggers and swords were drawn and suddenly I found two pieces of sharp metal where they should not have been: My abdomen.

 But why?! What had I done? I was the good guy, the one chosen by the emperor to save the land! All I wanted was to simply talk to you assholes and instead I get my head cut off! WHO DOES THAT?! In my second approach there were no words. In fact I managed to kill one of them with overpowered use of my magical flames before they could even stand. When all was quiet again I began to go through the clothes on their fallen bodies for whatever I desired. Imagine that. I burned them to death and went through their charred corpses as I pleased without a second thought. Was this what a hero did?
 
I'd managed what I believed was valuable and what was not and began to leave. These items were not stolen, just taken off the dead who deserved it. That was my mentality from there out. Self righteously taking everything from those who deserved it. Where were the limits to that thought?
 Soon after I became better acquainted with the lands Heading village to village I learned of many people with many stories. Tales here, troubles there, wants, needs and desires. I'd realized then as I accumulated a list of tasks that I'd become solely objective of what was and was not necessary.
I had become more interested in the haunted manor because I wanted a house,  not helping that damn fisherman with the gimp leg! To hell with him if he could not afford to eat let alone walk. ADVENTURE.

 I was the hero and heroes had needs!...many...MANY needs. The objectivity did not end there however, that would have been tame in comparison to my future choices. As I began to accumulate gold and level I became less entranced with my wealth and heroism. I had no longer only been selective of my quests, but heavily dedicated to the unique rewards extended by the choices I made. If you are an Elder Scrolls Player you may know at this point not all choices can be considered " Good " and they weren't.
 
Somewhere deep inside I questioned myself what went wrong. Why I had strayed from doing right to only doing for myself. Where the selfish and self serving attitude became the dominate aspect of my character and me. The answer had been short and all too clear: Choice. What The elder Scrolls had offered me was not Black and white but Grey.Where games of old taught me the values of my questing and the absolutes of good and evil, Elder Scrolls taught me the leverage of exploitation and moral leverage.The truth though was that I never really had all that much choice to believe otherwise. I just did because everyone else told me it was what I had to. I had to be the savior and do what was right.
 
It just took years of the same struggles over the same powers that I had come to form my own absolutes. When Elder Scrolls came along I finally found the silent Freedom that never judged. There were no fairies to tell me where to go and who to face, there was just people, and then there was me.
Eventually I'd begun to lesson the divides of Black and white until the two finally aligned into a singular grey, one where no one was innocent and everyone was a means to the next goal.

I had begun to reach into Fallout 3 by this time, dabbling into the curiosity of Science Fiction than mythical. The rules had not changed. In fact, they had become all the more necessary. In the land where Killer Robots and vile mutants take no prisoners you learn to pride on ammunition reserve and pray for Nuclear Winter. The stakes were high and I was always a step away from danger wherever it lurked. That was everywhere.

I'd once found a vender out in the open, a wanderer of the wastes with his brahmin and travel guard. Fending off a giant scorpion is no picnic even with the right gear on hand. I would have helped but another thought had arisen in my mind. If the vender had died then all their loot could be mine.
I'd then begun to consider the re flow of their inventory if they were to remain alive but by then the Scorpion had finished with all three of them and was steadily turning my way. Needless to say I found some great gear and walked away without so much as a single sting. Nothing a good night sleep can't fix...or the recently taken stimpax.

 In the end I had fully reconciled with myself about the man the boy had grown into through the games. I'd become a scavenger. One without a name who did as he pleased when he pleased without the thought of consequence, only reward. For a long while that was enough...Until...

- I can Never Have Enough Things -

Returning back to the days of old once more I'm reminded of a time where video games didn't need a whole lot of incentive to feel invested. The adventure was there and overcoming the challenge was everything! At times I sort of still wish for that innocence. That ignorance. I once had the gift to just do without another word.

Sure there were the hidden little treats every now and then. Yoshi Story on the N64 had Secret colored Yoshis you could find if you looked or played hard enough. Banjo And Kazooie was the ultimate platter for a collect-a-thon. They just never had any real merit to them other than advancing the game or being patted on the back digitally.

Then the Elder Scrolls came around like one sly fuck, grinning the grin only a bad uncle can give and introduced me to a place I can never recover from. I call it the Hoarder's Den. It differs from game to game but eventually it all melds into the same thing. One way or another I've come to find actually.
 In Fallout 3 I made my home in Megaton. Nice place and I'd done a couple of things just to get it. In New Vegas it was my own room in Novak. Skyrim, please.........* cough* Proudspire Manor * Cough * The point being was that a pattern had developed with each home I invested in. This sort of tick like clockwork which would only begin with homestead ownership.

Everything I would find: Weaponry, clothes, even a human heart...one way or another it all found a place in my home. I'd had chests filled to the brim with potions, Wardrobe upon wardrobe of garments and wears. Guns always belonged next to the drugs. Duh. A curious effect had begun to surround myself and this drive for collection.

Hand in hand opportunity and Hoarding went into full partnership on my behalf. At first it would be the simple things. " Oh that looks like a nice sword. " " Wow, this was the only book of it's kind out here. " but sooner than later it full on turned into " Yes I know this man could have saved the kingdom from Necromancers but his soul gem looks nice above my fireplace. "

 Bad times indeed. I'd gone from the hero out to save the world to a silent man who muttered to himself incoherently as he double checked is cub bards to make sure there was two of everything. I'm that man who you probably sit next to at the bus stop and try your best to look like you're not inching away from before you full on sprint it down the street because my crazed eyes are contemplating things only I can think.

By that point in time there was not even the concept of black or white. Where the hell was I? What was I doing? None of that mattered as much as the completion of what I could never complete. It didn't matter how many things I had or how many skulls I could fit underneath my bed. I intended to keep filling my digital space until I died via the physics system crashing on me the second I opened the front door.

The lives I'd sacrificed, the evils I'd unleashed upon those worlds....damn if it wasn't worth it to have that one amulate whose name and abilities I cannot remember right now...and probably ever. The truth is that outside of these games I would not considered myself to have hoarder tendencies. In fact I've  believed in less being more for both my life style and presentation. Walk into my room and chances are other than a few plants, glowing salt rocks and my computer alongside a small handful of books...there would be little to anything else. I'd like to imagine I have the mental restraint from collecting every rock I find.

I know I do not collect and harvest the butterflies that come into my path. Certainly haven't stuffed a human organ in my drawers for a few years now. I guess the truth is that in the gaming universe there is no true restraint. That with each and every piece of human hair you collect and painstakingly apply to your downstairs kitchen table, that world feels all the more personal and in that sense real.

 Perhaps it is an outcry and yearning for purpose beyond the perimeters of the game's expectations, maybe it is a self satisfying objective with no bars set. Whatever the case or reason, I know it will never be enough. Not until I can fit all the NPC's into little Bottles and set them on my window seal......Can you do that? I think there's a mod that can let do that. Let me check.

- I'm Worse Than I Thought -

The title sounds a bit harsh but I'm like...97% certain that if the kid me saw what had become of the adult gamer me at this point...well he'd probably find some way to kick my ass. I have some fight to me but I really am certain he has a bit more. That and a good back before that drunk driving hit accident. No I wasn't drunk. I WAS THE ONE WHO GOT- Look let's drop it.

When my mind was still young and not filled with the nonsense only time and the cynicism of reality can bring..I saw a beautiful world where anything could happen. We all were the heroes in it and each day was just the start to greater things. I didn't really give two shits though because let's be honest here, I'm certain most of my schedule was one half Bill Nye The Science guy and the other Gaming.

Still, I saw a lot of myself in the heroes I wanted to be. I was unsure of my identity, something today I do not believe in truly having still but the characters I portrayed in some way reflected a bit of myself. Somehow a little of who I wanted to be if I wanted to. Cloud was misunderstood and he even hated himself, I could relate. He did the right thing though and I wanted to be just like that....m-minus the hair thing.

Hell I wanted to be like most square Enix and Nintendo Characters. Just free and full of this semi inhuman mysticism that somehow was just accepted. Then MOTHERFUCKING ELDER SCROLLS AGAIN. We all know where this story goes and where it ended up. The boy had become a man who was no more a hero now than when he started. In fact, he had become the complete opposite. He'd become the villain in a way who did as he pleased.

 He'd brought warring factions against one another in the desert just so that he could acquire a useless mask that looked good to him. He'd unleashed a dark goddess upon an unsuspecting world because he wanted to see what would happen. He'd slain a priest because an evil voice inside his head said the mace in his hand could be his and so it became. That little me wouldn't be looking at a hero he wanted to be.

He'd probably be 300 Spartan kicking himself into kirby's gullet just to save him the disappointment the following years would bring. You know what though? I say fuck the childhood me. I say I'm glad to be where I am and having discovered what I really am because the truth is only just and the lie is little than. As a gamer I'd taken myself to a place I dared never check nor question, and as myself laughed at terrible things I should never have laughed at.

 Oblivion, Skyrim, Fallout and New Vegas. You taught me that I could be anything inside my head. It's true that at times I may not like what I see but damn if I cannot still laugh on my insane rampages throughout the lands that give me that freedom. That only freedom to really be me. ", "writing": "", "writing_bbcode_parsed": "", "pools_count": 0, "title": "What Elder Scrolls And Fallout Taught Me About Myself", "deleted": "f", "public": "t", "mimetype": "image/png", "pagecount": "1", "rating_id": "0", "rating_name": "General", "ratings": [], "submission_type_id": "1", "type_name": "Picture/Pinup", "guest_block": "f", "friends_only": "f", "comments_count": "7", "views": "95" }