Fart Bong
“Booooooooorrrrreeed.” Rigby groaned from the floor. He glanced over to Mordecai, who was sitting cross-legged on his bed with a bong resting on his lap. He lit it, and took a long pull. He held it for a moment before exhaling again.

“Dude, relax” Mordecai said from his bed, “We finished all our work early for once, we can do whatever we want.”

“We could go play Dig Champs!” Rigby offered.

“Nah dude I’m sick of Dig Champs” Mordecai said, “that game is totally broken.”

“Ugh, whatever” Rigby rolled over, “Is the food here yet?”

Mordecai checked his phone. “Actually, yeah! It looks like he just pulled in to the park.”

A moment later, the doorbell rang downstairs. 

“Yes! Finally!” Rigby said as he scrambled to his feet.

“Maybe put some pants on first?” Mordecai said. He pointed to the raccoon’s bare legs. Rigby glanced down. He was wearing only a pair of red boxers and a worn out tank top.

Mordecai still had on the purple hoodie and jeans he’d worn to work that day, but Rigby preferred to get comfortable as soon as possible and spent most of his time at the house in his underwear. 

“Oh yeah” Rigby said. He grabbed a pair of shorts from the dirty laundry pile that doubled as his bed, and pulled them on before hurrying downstairs.

A minute later, Mordecai heard the front door close followed by Rigby’s footsteps as he scurried back up the stairs. He ran into the room on all fours, holding the bag of food with his teeth. The bottom of the bag dragged slightly as he ran.

Rigby left the bag on the ground by Mordecai’s bed. “Goddamn, why are those so heavy?” he panted.

Mordecai’s eyes widened as he reached into the bag and pulled out an enormous burrito, wrapped in foil. “Oh my god” he said.

“Holy shit!” Rigby exclaimed, “That thing is half as big as I am!” 

“That’s not saying much dude.” Mordecai said as he started to unwrap the foil, “Most people could throw you like a football.” He tossed Rigby the other burrito.

Rigby caught it, and was nearly knocked over by the impact. He kicked off his shorts and tossed them back into the dirty laundry, before leaping onto the pile himself. He tore open the tinfoil, and breathed in the intoxicating smell of beef, cheese, beans, and rice. Across the room, Mordecai bit into his burrito. “Fuuuuuuuck that’s good” Mordecai said, “I was so hungry.”

Rigby was starving as well. His first bite was so big he almost choked on it. He wriggled his body deeper into the laundry pile, and ate.

————————————

After a few minutes, Mordecai had already finished. He cleaned himself off with a napkin and opened up his laptop. 

“Dude, how did you eat that so fast?” Rigby said in awe. He had only just made it halfway through his own burrito.

“Don’t underestimate the munchies, man.” Mordecai replied. 

Rigby set his burrito on the floor and walked over to Mordecai’s bed. “Did you give up?” Mordecai asked.

“Nah man” Rigby replied, “I just came over to get a hit.”

Mordecai nodded and passed him the bong. Between the two of them Mordecai was definitely the bigger stoner, but Rigby still liked to join him sometimes. Mordecai lit it for him while Rigby pulled. He coughed a bit as he exhaled.

Rigby set the bong down on the floor and climbed onto  the bed with Mordecai. He leaned in to look at Mordecai’s laptop. “What is this?” he asked.

“It’s this new shooter that I downloaded on sale” Mordecai said, “it’s pretty cool.”

“Can I play?” Rigby asked.

“You don’t have a computer, remember?” Mordecai said.

“Don’t you have anything we can play together?” Rigby whined.

“Wait wait wait” Mordecai said, suddenly muting his laptop, “did you hear that?” 

“No?” Rigby answered. He sat and strained his ears for a moment, searching for a sound.

PPPFFFRRTT

Rigby was sitting close enough that he could feel the mattress vibrate beneath him. “Aw sick!” he said.

“You were the one who wanted burritos, dude” Mordecai laughed, “Now you’ve gotta deal with the consequences!”

Rigby started to scoot away before feeling his own stomach gurgle. Suddenly, he had an idea. “Wait dude” Rigby started, “If you don’t want to play video games with me, what if we had a bet instead?”

Mordecai narrowed his eyes. “What kind of bet?” he asked suspiciously.

Rigby grinned. “Fart contest.” he said, “Loudest wins, and the loser has to do something bad.”

“Ew Rigby” Mordecai groaned, “We’re not in middle school.”

“Don’t act mature now!” Rigby exclaimed, “You’re just scared you’ll lose.”

Mordecai hesitated. “What’s the penalty if you lose?” he asked.

Rigby hadn’t decided on a penalty yet. He scanned around the room for inspiration. His eyes widened as they landed on the bong on the floor. “Dude……. Fart bong” he said quietly.

“What?” Mordecai asked.

“Fart bong!” Rigby said louder.

Mordecai followed Rigby’s eyes to the floor. 

“Duuuuuuude… that’s vile.” Mordecai said. Suddenly he grinned at Rigby. “Alright I’m in.” he said, “You go first.”

Without a word, Rigby lifted his leg. He took a deep breath in, then grunted and flexed his stomach.

PPPFFFRRRRRTT

“Not bad.” Mordecai nodded, “Now it’s my turn.”

Rigby wasn’t worried. He figured that the blue jay must have expelled a lot of his gas when he had farted earlier. He was sure the next one would have to be quieter, but he was about to be proven wrong.

Mordecai rubbed his stomach for a second before rolling over onto his hands and knees. He lifted his tail feathers and pointed his ass in Rigby’s direction.

PPPFFFFFFFFRRRRRTT

The fart started off intense before lowering into firecracker pops. Not only was it louder than Rigby’s, but it was also much longer. Rigby had seriously underestimated the capacity of the blue jay’s bowels. He coughed as the smell reached him.

“Wait wait wait!” Rigby said hurriedly, “Let’s do best two out of three!”

Mordecai rolled his eyes. “Fine” he said, sitting back down.

Rigby hopped off the bed to stand on the floor. He furrowed his brow as he rubbed his stomach. When he felt something coming, he clenched his asshole to build pressure and lay down on his stomach. He raised his tail in the air, and squeezed.

PFFFFFFFF

Despite the raccoon’s best efforts, the result was underwhelming. The fart squeaked between his asscheeks before sputtering out pathetically. “Fuck.” Rigby muttered to himself.

Mordecai laughed. “Is that it?” he asked smugly. He rolled onto his back with his feet in the air and his tail feathers hanging off the bed. He pulled his knees in close to his chest, and his jeans were pulled in tight against his ass. Mordecai took a deep breath before letting it rip.

PPPPPPPFFRRRAAAAAARRRRRRRRTTT

The sound was like a chainsaw, and Rigby actually jumped a little at the noise.

When he was finished, Mordecai rolled forward and looked down at Rigby with a stupid smile on his face.

“Wait!” Rigby pleaded, “Let me go again!”

“No dude.” Mordecai said, “You lost.” 

Rigby groaned.

Mordecai walked over and picked up the half-eaten burrito that Rigby had left on the floor. “Are you gonna finish this?” he asked.

“No I think I’m done.” Rigby said, “Why?”

Mordecai grinned, “Because I need to reload.”

——————————————

After Mordecai had scarfed down the rest of the burrito, he had gone downstairs to the kitchen. He’d pulled a pint of peanut butter ice cream from the freezer, and ate it while Rigby watched.

Now, the two of them were sitting on the bedroom floor with the bong between them.

When Mordecai’s stomach gurgled, he looked up and said, “It’s time.”

Rigby turned pale. “Dude, can’t we talk about this?” he asked.

“Nope!” Mordecai said. He got up and squatted over the bong, with his back towards Rigby. He pulled his jeans and underwear down to expose the blue feathers on his ass. “Can’t have those getting in the way.” he said smugly.

Mordecai closed his eyes and concentrated for a moment, before flexing his gut.

PPPPPPRRRRRBBBBBLLLLLTTTTTT

The bong added a bassy, almost musical quality to the sound. Rigby watched in horror as the glass fogged up from the neck all the way down to the base. 

The moment he was finished, Mordecai turned and covered the bong with his hand to prevent any gas from escaping. Rigby tried to protest, but Mordecai grabbed him and shoved his snout in the neck of the bong, pinning him there.

The raccoon tried to hold his breath at first, but eventually was forced to inhale. He had never tasted a fart before. It coated his tongue and throat as he breathed it in. He was disgusted to learn that he could still recognize the flavor of the partially digested burrito, along with the peanut butter and whatever else Mordecai had eaten recently. His eyes started to water as he felt the gas in his lungs. The sensation was overwhelming and sickening. 

Rigby coughed and gagged, and finally managed to wriggle free of Mordecai’s hold. He lay flat on his back, retching, as tears streamed down his face.

Mordecai laughed as he pulled up his pants. He walked over to where he had propped his phone up against the wall. 

“Wait, did you film that?” Rigby gasped weakly.

“Yeah dude” Mordecai grinned, “It had to be documented. I’m gonna put it on YouTube!”

Rigby said nothing as he sucked in lungfuls of fresh air. Mordecai walked over to look down at his friend, still on the floor. 
“What do you want to do now?” he asked.

“I don’t know.” Rigby said.

“….Want to go play Dig Champs?” Mordecai offered.

Rigby thought for a moment before sitting up. “Yeah, okay.” he said.