It was cold. Literally freezing. But he refuses to go home. He still was too riled up because of his argument with his brothers. This time is wasn’t just with Leonardo. No, this time Donatello interfered and chose to side with Leo. Also it was just so stupid. It was about the same theme like the last few weeks. His constant absence in the evenings and especially at the nights. And at some point even Michelangelo said something. But he couldn’t care less. Raphael just wanted to go out, away from the lair. He kept a secret and it was getting difficult to hide it. So he left. Tried to clear his head and especially to calm his rising urge to touch his brother.

They wouldn’t understand. He himself couldn’t even understand why. But that is how it is. And he couldn’t deny it anymore. Not to himself. So he left, to be alone with this. But that wasn’t a good decision. When the streets were quite he got time to think and his thoughts always whirled around his feelings for his brother.

That cold night was a quite one too. So he settled down on a rooftop and looked over the skyline. And so his mind began to wander.

He remembered the time when it all began, when it really began. Raphael always saw Leo in another way than he did saw Donnie and Mikey. But after he turned 13 it changed even more. He recognized things about the leader he didn’t before. Things like his movements when Leo did some katas, his relaxed features when he meditated, his concentrated expression when he was planning something and all the other little things. Though these things were kind of big for him. He did his best to hide it. But as the years goes on, it was getting difficult. And as his brother started to notice he began to leave. First for only some hours but soon the span of time increased, till it reached nearly the whole night. Not every time though. It depended on the time he needed to calm his thoughts and his urges.

This night he totally lost track of time. Though it was really cold he spends the whole night on that rooftop.

He became aware of that as the sky started to lighten. Soon the sun will be rising. As soon as Raphael realized that he also became aware of how tired he was, also as how cold is was. Why didn’t he realize? His fingers were already numb and so were his toes. He looked down at his feet. Yes, his toes were still there, lighter than usual, but still attached to his feet. Slowly he got up. It took some seconds to coordinate his limbs again but as soon as it was possible he started his way home.

As he reached the entrance to the lair Raphael stopped. He pulled out his phone and checked the time. His eyes widened a little as he read 6:07 a.m. and also 13 missed calls. Raph didn’t only spend the whole night on that roof, he also missed a lot of calls, though he couldn’t remember turning off the sound. Now he knew that he was in a lot of trouble. Sighing he reached out to open the entrance to his home.

The light was dimmed. Only a few little lamps were on and the lights in the kitchen. Someone was already awake, Raph assumed. And he had a really good idea who it was. Now he had to choose. Go to bed and try to get warm only with his blanket or go into the kitchen, getting a lecture and something warm to drink. He shuffled towards the kitchen. Better getting his lecture now so he could sleep the whole day away.

As soon as he entered the kitchen is eyes landed on a tired looking Leonardo. The blue banded turtle looked up as the sound of movement stopped. “You’re late. Or should I say early?”

“Say what you want.” Raph murmured, grabbed the kettle and walked towards the sink. He filled it with water and put the kettle on the stove, turning it on. Next he grabbed a cup, a tea bag and took a seat across of Leo.

The oldest watched his brother moving around. He noticed the sluggish movements also the hot-head looked rather pale. Leonardo waited till his brother sat down before he began to speak. “Why didn’t you answer your phone?”

“I didn’t hear it.”

Leo sighed. “You agreed that you let you phone on, when you go out alone.”

“It was on.”

“Raph you know what I mean.”

The red- banded turtle laid his hands on the table and mumbled more to himself than to his brother. “Yeah I do.” He looked at the kettle and hoped that the water will boil soon. A hot tea, even though he didn’t like it, would be just great now. Raphael still was kind of stiff and cold. He didn’t even realize that Leo got up and walked in front of him.

“Raphael do you hear me?”

“Huh?” Confusion was written over his face.

“You didn’t hear anything. Am I Right?” Leo crossed his arms and looked annoyed. “That is what I’m talking about. You’re going out nearly every night and the time span is increasing. You’re avoiding food, sleep and us. Or should I say me?”

“I don’t know…”

“Don’t even start to play dumb Raphael! You know what I’m talking about! And it is getting worse. Do you realize that when that is going on you will not only endanger yourself but us too? We can’t count on you when you not fit enough to go through a training session. And it looks like you don’t care. You keep going out night for night. And…” Leo stopped. He could see that Raph wasn’t paying attention, again. The leader took a deep breath. “Raphael.”

The emerald green turtle didn’t react. His eyes were glazed over.

Leo bends down and reached out to lay a hand on his immediate younger brother. As he touched the shoulder of his sibling, Leo’s brow furrowed. Raph was cold. Though it was warm in the lair his brother was cold. That couldn’t be a good sign.

Before Leo could say something again the kettle began to whistle and still Raphael didn’t do much more than to twitch with his right hand. The oldest got up, turned off the stove and picked up the kettle. He poured some hot water in Raph’s cup and put the kettle on the table.

Leonardo sighed. He kneeled in front of his brother and tried to get his attention. “Raph?” No reaction. “Raphael.” Still nothing. Leo laid his hands on sides of Raph’s face. “Raphie?”

That did the trick. The red-banded turtle blinked several times till his eyes focused on his brother. “Huh?”

“Drink your tea and go to bed.”

Raph looked confused.

“Tea.” Leo looked at the steaming cup and pulled his hands away.
Raphael’s gazed followed Leonardo’s.

“Oh… The water…”

“Cooked. Now drink your tea.”

Raph reached out, took the cup and sipped. It was hot, too hot. He burned his tongue, but he didn’t care, as the warmth of the tea flowed through his body.

His whole focus now on the tea, he didn’t see that Leo looked him over.
“When you’re finished, you go to bed. And when you wake up, we will continue our little talk. Understood?”

“Hm…”

“Raphael that is not an answer.”

“There is nothing to talk about.”

“Wrong. There is a lot to talk about. But not now. You need to sleep.”

“If you say so.” Raph sipped again.

“Yes I do. We’re worried Raph and I want to know what’s going on.”
Raphael took another sip and whispered into the cup. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me.”

“Better not.”

“Raph…”

With one last gulp the cup was empty. The hot-head stood up. “I’m going to bed now.” And walked out of the kitchen and towards his room.

Leo looked after his brother. “Why can’t you trust me?” He mumbled.

Raphael closed the door, to his room, behind him. He walked over to his hammock and lay down. As soon as he was comfortable he closed his eyes. And after some minutes he drifted off to a restless sleep.