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"description_bbcode_parsed": "I'm prone to derealization. I have been since I was a kid. Whether it's from trauma or just how I was born I'm not sure but as a result I'm rarely able to realize the true scope of the world around me. I'm quick to adapt to big changes in life and just "go with the flow".
I used to think I was just easy-going but the older I get the more I realize it's some deep-seeded part of me wondering how much of the world is actually real. To me there's no discernable difference between seeing a band play live and watching them on my computer.
Sometimes I think even my own emotions are fake. I'll be sad and, even when alone, feel like I can't be because I'm not real. Like I try to perform it because it's what I see other people do in the world around me. Even if I actually feel it in my heart, I can't display it like a normal person.
I'm always scared one day I'll truly "wake up" and learn the person I am never truly existed.
As if the dreams I have are a peak into the actual real world I'm supposed to be in. I know that can't be. Even though my dreams have recurring elements, they always take place somewhere different. Vast landscapes and cramped corridors of places I've never seen yet am intimately familiar with. People I don't recognize but have known my entire life.
I've had dreams about being murdered, dreams about being something other than human, even dreams where I believed I was in the afterlife. There have been times I've been caught in loops so vivid that upon waking up I have to ask my boyfriend if he's real and that I'm truly awake.
I try to capture this feeling through Eli on occasion, having him stonefaced even through a horrible nightmare. Are the things he experiences real? Is the risk of them not too great for anything to matter?
Apologies for the ramble. I've been bedridden with scarlet fever the past few days. I experienced some of the worst fever dreams of my life and am still a bit light in the head.",
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