This story roughly takes the shape of the “Pooping in the Woods” scene from Open Season, but it takes a few different turns that the original scene doesn’t. Enjoy!


Boog was certainly having a rough day when he woke up in the woods without recollection of how he got there. He had taken out most of his anger on Elliot the mule deer, but realized that he needed to listen to Elliot’s advice about the forest if he ever wanted to get back to the town he lived in. After becoming hungry and failing to catch fish to eat, Boog had to resort to chowing down on Elliot’s suggested forest delicacy: the pinecone on a stick.


While the mighty grizzly was slightly more comfortable with the forest, there was one problem he had yet to encounter. Spending as much time as he did out in the forest with Elliot, it was only a matter of time before nature called.


*PPFFFT*


“Uh ohhhhh…” Boog said audibly to himself. He felt his bowels shift and remembered that it had been a couple days since his last trip to the toilet. But now that he was in the woods, where was he supposed to find a place to go?


“Hey, uh, incredible Mr. E,” said Boog to get Elliot’s attention. He dreaded saying the name but he knew Elliot might not help him if he didn’t.


“Yes, Boogster?” responded Elliot with his own name for Boog.


“I gotta go,” said Boog with a very concerned look on his face, his knees buckled.


Elliot, judging Boog’s situation from the toot he heard earlier and how desperate the grizzly looked now, knew what was happening. Forest 101 wasn’t over. “Well...go!” responded Elliot.


“No, I need a toilet,” Boog explained to Elliot, who didn’t exactly know what a toilet was. “You know, the think tank? The Johnny on the Spot? The oval office!”


“There’s none of those things out here,” replied Elliot.


“Well, what do you do?” asked Boog.


“Boogster, you’re not getting it. You’re in the wild now! The whole forest is your toilet!” explained Elliot with conviction.


“Oh, no no no no, I can’t just go out here. I need privacy!” said Boog, hopping from paw to paw.


“Don’t be so nervous! I do it all the time! Here, I’ll show you how.” said Elliot. The mule deer hopped over to an empty part of the forest and Boog reluctantly followed. “Here, I’ll get a profile shot so you can watch how the master does it.” Elliot stood in the clearing, his right side facing Boog.


“Alright, Boogster, are you taking notes? STEP 1! Check your surroundings for any Peeping Toms! Make sure no one’s watching you do your duty!”


“Sounds good to me,” said Boog, now crossing his legs.


“STEP 2! Spread and Squat! Make sure that nothing is gonna get on those legs!”


“Got it,” said Boog.


“STEP 3! Hike that Tail up! Lift it as far as it can go!”


“Okay, thanks Elliot!” said Boog.


“STEP 4! Let it loose!”


“Wait--you aren’t actually going to--” Boog was interrupted by a sigh from Elliot.


“Ahhhhhhh…” sighed the mule deer, letting his urine patter on the ground and his deer pellets fall into a pile. *PFFFFFOOOTT* Elliot farted during his bathroom break. “Oh, excuse me, I guess I forgot that step 5 was to be quiet about it,” said Elliot with a nervous smile.


“Gross, Ellio--I mean Incredible Mr. E! You’ve gotta warn me before you just go a drop bombs all over the floor.”


“Sorry, Boogster. You know what they say...when you gotta go…”


Elliot finished up his potty break with a puddle of pee and a huge pile of number two on the ground. “Man, what a beauty,” said Elliot to Boog, admiring the pile.


“Sure doesn’t smell like one,” Boog said, plugging his nose with his claws.


“Alright, your turn!” said Elliot, glancing down at Boog’s crossed legs.


“What? I can’t just go out in the open! I’ve got McSquizzy’s whole army after me. What if they see me trying to do my business and they start telling everybody?!”


“Boogster, you’re worrying about it too much. Look, if you really want to stay hidden, I think I saw a bush over there somewhere.”
Elliot and Boog made their way over to the bush they saw earlier, but Boog looked a little nervous.


“C’mon, it’s like riding a bicycle, only...you’re crappin’ on it.” advised Elliot.


The mighty grizzly waddled his way over to the bush, but looked back at Elliot, concerned about what to do.


“Show us your ‘Grrrrrrr face’, nature boy” teased Elliot.


Boog edged into the bush and found that there was a hollowed-out stump on the other side. Seeing this as a toilet he could use in the wild, he sat his fluffy behind down on it and went to work. Just as he was about to let loose, however, a group of bunnies hopped up to the front of the bush, trying to get a peek at what was happening behind the scenes.


“Hey, what are you doing here?” said Boog, addressing the Bunnies. “Shoo shoo, get out! I’m working here, now GO!”


*PFPFPFRT*


The bear let loose a short, audible fart into the echoey log and and the bunnies broke out into laughter. Boog blushed red as a tomato under his fur and grinned sheepishly. Elliot then came over to shoo off the bunnies. “Alright alright, you’ve had your fun, nothing to see here, let the bear do his thing,” said Elliot. “Man, can you believe those guys?” Elliot peered over the bush and down at the log, “so are you finished?”


Boog groaned and turned around, attempting to focus more on doing his business. He started to tinkle into the stump, but lost control of his behind and let loose a fart so loud it shook the branches, which caught the attention of McSquizzy and his squirrel army.


“Oy! Wut in tarnation was that?” said one of the squirrels.


“Smells worse than a skunk who ate one too many stinkbugs!”


McSquizzy hopped over to the tree with all of the commotion.


“Just what is goin’ on over here,” he said furiously.


“Somethin’ is smelling mighty bad, sir, and we’re just trying to figure out what it is.”


McSquizzy then caught a whiff of the awful stench the others were talking about. “Oy, I can smell it too! It smells worse than that time I ate those bad acorns! Where is it coming from?”


Just then, Boog grunted and farted once more. Though this one wasn’t as loud as the last one, it certainly got the attention of the forest again.


“Sir,” said one of McSquizzy’s squirrels, “it sounds like it came from below us!”


McSquizzy looked down and saw Boog sitting on the stump with a frustrated look on his face.


“It’s the grizzly again!”


“What’s he doin’ on that stump?”


McSquizzy chimed in: “I think I know what’s goin’ on here. That bear is usin’ that stump to do his business in!”


“WAHAHAHAHA!!!!!” yelled all of the squirrels, laughing at the grizzly.


Under the impression he had privacy, Boog was caught completely off guard. He looked up and immediately shoved his paws between his legs after seeing he had an audience of hundreds of squirrels observing his bathroom break.


“Hey! What are you guys doing?! Can’t you see I’m in the middle of something here?!” complained Boog with a blush.


“Boogster, what’s the dealio?” asked Elliot, who wanted to know what all the commotion was for.


“Nothing, Elliot, just stay out of it!” replied Boog.


Boog turned around to see two female skunks walking up to the stump.


“Woah woah woah,” said the first one, “what are you doing on my house?”


“Uh...uh…” said Boog, paws still stuffed between his legs. The squirrels began giggling up in the tries. “Hey, quiet up there!!!” said Boog. The yelling, however, caused him to release some pressure downstairs. 


*PPFFRRRTTT*


“Are you doing what I think you’re doing?” asked the skunk.


“What? No! I’d never--” Boog was cut off by his bowels acting up again,


*FLLRRBT*


“Okay...maybe…”


“How DARE you do such a disgusting thing on MY HOUSE?!” yelled the skunk.


“This is your house? I didn’t know...I…”


“I don’t want to hear it,” said the skunk.


“There’s a special something we do to weirdos like you,” said the other skunk.


“What?” asked Boog, not knowing what skunks were capable of, “what are you planning on doing to me?”


The skunks turned around, bent over and looked back at Boog.


“READY”


“AIM”


Before he knew it, the skunks lifted their tails and Boog was covered in a cloud of green skunk mist. He immediately got up and ran off away from the bush and Elliot followed him.


“Wow, Boogster, you sure got yourself into a lot of trouble there. I didn’t know a Bear could smell this bad, haha!”


“I don’t want to talk about it Elliot. I hate the woods, I still haven’t gone number two, and I need a place to clean up!”


“Hmm… let me think,” said the mule deer. “Wait, I’ve got it! Follow me!”


Boog followed Elliot through the forest until they came upon a large but calm river.


“Alright, buddy, hop in!” said Elliot, pushing his friend into the pond. Boog made a huge splash in the water that sent waves throughout the river, some of them hitting a nearby underwater wooden structure.


“Hey, what was that?” asked a young beaver boy to his sister in their dam.


“I’m not sure...we should go out and investigate!”


“Yeah!”


“Elliot, this may solve my smell problem, but I still have to answer nature’s call,” said Boog, pointing down under the water.


“Well that’s easy,” said Elliot, “you just have to find a nice place in the water and let loose!”


“What? No no no, I am not pooping in the water. Not after what just happened!”


“What are you so worried about? You have total privacy here! The only one who can see you go here is me!”


“Well...okay...but only if you turn around!” said Boog.


“Done and done!” said Elliot, turning around.


The beavers who noticed the splash earlier were curious as to where it came from, so they left their dam and swam out into the river. They eventually saw Elliot and Boog, so in order to remain hidden, they found a nearby piece of driftwood and stayed behind it.


“What’s that bear doing?” the beaver boy whispered to his sister.


“I dunno, let’s wait and see.”


Boog was ecstatic to finally be able to poop in privacy. No squirrels. No skunks. Just him, his big furry butt, and the water. He moved out a bit into the river until he was just about waist deep. He got his footing underwater, squatted, clenched his paws, grunted, and let nature take its course. First, the sound of muffled flatulence filled the air, and before Boog knew it, bubbles were coming up from underwater behind him.


“Woah, take it easy there, Boogster,” said Elliot fanning the air from his nose, “we’re not trying to knock out any fish here!”


“You heard that?” asked Boog with a blush.


“I could smell it!” exclaimed Elliot.


The beavers behind the log were dumbfounded.


“Oh my gosh! That bear’s making a stinky underwater!” said the Beaver girl.


“Blech, and it sure doesn’t smell good!” replied her brother. The two of them started giggling which prompted Boog to turn around. The beavers hid in a panic before Boog could see them, but the Bear was still concerned.


“Hey, Elliot,” asked boog, “did you hear something just now?”


“Probably just your ears playing tricks on you,” Elliot said, still facing the other direction. “Just relax and do what comes naturally.”


“Right, thanks,” said Boog. The mighty grizzly squatted lower, let a few more bubbles come up, and then got to the main event.


“You think he’s gonna...go?” asked the beaver girl.


“Maybe! Let’s go and get our friends so they can see too,” said the beaver boy, “this’ll be so funny!”


The beavers went and got their friends, telling them that they’d get to see a bear do his business underwater. It turns out that the “does a bear poop in the woods” idiom was popular in the forest as well as the mainland, so all of the beavers in the colony were pretty interested to see if they were telling the truth. About a dozen of the beavers took in a deep breath and dove underwater to watch while another dozen or so hid behind the driftwood. The water was clear, so they got a good view of Boog’s behind from up there too. The beaver siblings gave everyone in the colony a “shhh” so as not to reveal that they were there.


Boog made sure his tail was lifted nice and high, and then he relaxed his tailhole, prefacing his dump with a few extra bubbles. Slowly, the tip of a brown log of bear business emerged from his pink tailhole. Boog’s butthole opened up to accommodate the size of the turd that was exiting. It began to move faster and eventually tapered off, sinking to his feet. 


“Ahhhhhhhh, what a relief,” said Boog to himself.


The beavers underwater were giggling to each other and the beavers above the water had moved around the driftwood to get a better look and were struggling to contain their laughter. 


Elliot, meanwhile, was still turned in the other direction, only able to use Boog’s audio cues to tell what he was doing. “That sounded like a huge one, Boogster. Are ya finished?”


Boog blushed at Elliot’s comments. “Not even close. And could you plug your ears? You’re making me embarrassed.”


“What’s the big deal? You saw me go! I need to be aware of my surroundings, Boog,” explained Elliot.


The beavers were losing it at this point. Hearing about a mighty grizzly bear being embarrassed made them giggle to a point where Boog almost noticed them. He slowly turned around to check but all of the beavers had returned to their hiding places. Satisfied, Boog continued to relieve himself.


The bear let another loud, rumbly fart from his hindquarters loose, allowing the beavers a perfect view of the bubbles leaving his tailhole and popping on the surface. He then grunted loudly and squatted even lower, preparing to drop more dung. His pink pucker opened up slightly and another turd began moving through, exposing itself to the onlooking critters. The log emerged more quickly this time, sliding out in a matter of seconds and having been accompanied with a quick underwater toot.


“Man, he really needed to go,” whispered one of the beavers.


“His poots sure are smelly,” quietly said another.


“I don’t think he’s done, he he,” said the beaver boy.


Indeed, Boog wasn’t totally finished. He was even being pestered by Elliot.


“C’mon, Boog, hurry it up back there!” said the deer. “I’ve never known anyone that’s taken this long.


“It’s harder for me to go while I’m under pressure!” replied Boog. “I get nervous when I don’t have privacy…”


The beavers were pretty much watching a full comedy act presented by mother nature. It was getting increasingly difficult to hold in the laughter.


Boog was preparing to drop the last of his poop, lifting his tail up high once again. This time, medium-sized balls of bear business left Boog’s rump and were piling on top of the logs between Boog’s legs underwater for all of the beavers to see. Boog’s eyes were closed in a state of relaxation for the majority of his dump, but when he opened them, he saw something rather concerning. In front of him on the riverbank was a rather angry looking beaver.


“What do you think you’re doin’ in my part of the river?!” yelled the angry beaver.


“Why does everywhere I go have to belong to some other animal already?” asked Boog to himself.


“Why are you sqatting in the water there?!” question the beaver.


“Um…..uh…..” said a nervous Boog.


“We were just cooling off!” chimed Elliot.


“Uh...yeah!” joined in Boog, “we just needed to let loose some steam!”


Just as Boog uttered those words, something snuck up on him in his lower region under his tail, and before he knew it, the water vibrated with a muffled *PFFFRRRTTT* and a dozen or so bubbles rose onto the surface of the water. Boog would’ve been more concerned about the raging beaver on the river bank had he not heard the giggling behind him. He immediately turned around to see a dozen beavers floating on the water and another dozen come up from underwater.


“Hey, what were you all doing under there?!?!” asked Boog, already blushing beet-red.


“Just watching the show, Mr. Bear,” said one of the beavers with a giggle.


“Mr. Bear Business is more like it,” said one of the other beavers. This jab garnered laughs from all of the kids watching.


“Wait a second...what did this bear do in the water by my den?” the adult beaver on the shore asked.


“See for yourself!” said the girl beaver as she pointed at the water behind Boog.


Boog was very embarrassed already, and wasn’t in the mood for suffering anymore humiliation. The beaver hopped into the water and swam up to Boog.


“Step aside, bear!” threatened the beaver.


“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. Can’t we talk this over?” bargained Boog.


“Step out of the way or you get your family jewels slapped harder than you could imagine,” threatened the beaver, slapping his tail a couple times on the water for good measure.


“Ahh! Please no!” yelled Boog, jumping out of the beaver’s way. The beaver was dumbfounded by what he saw under the water. At his feet was a pile of bear business bigger than any he’d ever seen.


Under the kids laughter, he said “you’re in big trouble, Mr. Bear. I’m gonna be making sure the whole forest hears about the little show you put on.”


“No, please,” said Boog, still blushing.


“You should’ve thought of that before you emptied your bowels all over my territory. How am I supposed to deal with the smell?” said the beaver, causing the kids in the water to laugh again.


Elliot leaned over to Boog. “You have to admit, it did smell pretty bad,” he whispered to Boog.


Boog’s embarrassment turned into frustration. “C’mon, Elliot, let’s get out of here.”


The bear and the deer shuffled off into the forest.


“And if it happens a second time, I’ll slap your hindquarters so hard, you’ll never be able to poop again!!!” yelled the beaver as they were running off.




EPILOGUE


Boog and Elliot woke up in the clearing they slept in the next day. 


“Elliot, please tell me I dreamt what happened yesterday…” said Boog, rubbing his eyes.


“Well…….” started Elliot.


“Hey, look guys,” said McSquizzy up in the tree, “it’s Mr. Bear Business!” A chorus of laughter erupted from the squirrels


“AHAHAHAHA”


“I guess that answers that question,” said Boog, defeated.


“Riley the beaver told us about what happened at the river. You must’ve put on quite the show for them laddies. I’m upset we all missed it! ‘Ow’s about you let us know where the next one you’re planning on is so you can ‘ave an audience again! AHAHAHAH!” McSquizzy and the squirrels continued to laugh at Boog and scurried off after they ran out of energy.


“Wow, Boogster. And to think none of this would’ve happened had you just gone where I did.”


“Can it, Elliot. I don’t wanna hear it.” replied Boog. “Let’s just go back to finding the town.”


*PFFRRRFRFRFTTTT*


“Oh…….not again…..”