Ratchet’s Broadcast Embarrassment


Ratchet the Lombax and his buddy Clank were taking a break from all of the world-saving they had been up to. Days would consist of playing video games, flying around space, and going exploring on uncharted planets. These activities, however, proved to be boring and lacking of challenge to the Lombax and his robot pal. Ratchet especially yearned for more excitement in his life, and was looking for any open opportunity to experience danger. This particular day, Ratchet had ordered three boxes of pizza, as Clank challenged him to eat as much as he could. Ratchet collected the pizza delivery when it arrived and notified Clank of its arrival.


“Alright, pal,” said Ratchet, “the pizza’s here.”


“Oh goodie,” said Clank as Ratchet walked into the TV room of the spaceship with the three large boxes. “I’ve calculated that if you want to beat your previous pizza eating record, you will need to eat all three of these boxes within ten minutes.”


“That’s all I get!?” asked a concerned Ratchet.


“Yes, it is,” said Clank. “3, 2--”


“--Wait wait wait!” said Ratchet.


“1, go!”


Ratchet opened the first box and gobbled up the whole first pie in three minutes. His speed only increased as he finished eating the next whole pizza in two minutes, leaving the feasting Lombax five minutes to finish his last entire pizza. Ratchet gobbled up the whole thing in a minute and thirty seconds flat! Right after he finished, however, his mouth began to burn.


“Ahhhh!!!! They made the last one spicy!!!” yelled Ratchet. He ran over to the ship’s fridge and downed an entire half-carton of milk.


“Sir, don’t you have lactose intolerance issues?” asked the robot.


“Don’t worry about it Clank,” said Ratchet. “It just makes me a little gassy is all.”


About an hour after he was finished breaking his pizza eating record, Ratchet was contacted by Captain Qwark over video transmission.


*Captain Qwark flashes onto the screen*


“Ratchet, buddy! How’s my favorite Lombax doing?” asked Qwark.


“Qwark, I’m the only Lombax you know,” Ratchet said with an annoyed look on his face.


“Right you are!” said Qwark. “Anyway, I was wondering if you were looking for anything dangerous to do!”


Ratchet’s eyes opened wide and his face beamed. “You have something exciting for me and Clank to try?”


“Of course I do! Being rich from all of the world saving I’ve done has allowed me to accomplish one of my dreams: holding a broadcast arena survival challenge!” said Qwark.


“Well,” said Ratchet, “that certainly sounds interesting! Go on.”


“Okay, so I’ve designated an area of land on Kerwan in the forest just outside of Aleero City to be the arena grounds. Each contestant enters with just one melee weapon and must survive hordes of enemies for two hours,” explained Qwark.


“Wow!” said Ratchet, “What do you think, Clank.”


“It certainly would be an enthralling endeavor,” said Clank. “I’d be thrilled to participate.”


“Alright, Qwark,” said Ratchet, “where do we sign up?”


“Um, actually, little confession here, I already signed you up to go in half an hour, heh heh,” admitted Qwark.


“Wait, WHAT?” asked Ratchet.


“I figure it’s about a 29 minute drive over from where you are now, so don’t be late! Qwark out!”


Ratchet began to panic. “Clank, start flying the ship. We can’t be late!”


Clank immediately ran to the cockpit and began flying the ship the fastest he could across the galaxy in order to get to the survival challenge on time.


“Ratchet,” said Clank, “you need to decide which melee weapon you’ll take into the arena before we arrive!”


“I think I’ll stick with my trusty wrench for this, buddy,” said Ratchet.


Half an hour had passed and Clank was in the process of landing the ship right at the site of the arena. Qwark had set up a huge stage and an enormous screen in front of a crowd of about 1,000 (not counting the possibly millions of others who were watching on television).


“Wow!” said Ratchet, “Qwark’s got quite the setup here!”


After landing the ship next to the stage, Ratchet and Clank walked on to greet Qwark. The captain went over to shake the Lombax’s hand and made his way over to the podium to address the audience.


“Ladies and Gentlemen,” said Qwark, “I present to you our contestants for the Robot Forest Survival Arena!!!”


Qwark’s statement was met with staggering applause.


“We will now send Ratchet and Clank into the arena, where they will attempt to survive for two hours in a forest riddled with hostile robots!”


The crowd oohed and aahed at the challenges Ratchet and Clank would have to face. 


Ratchet basked in the glory of the audience’s impressed gasps. He was feeling ultimately prepared for the upcoming battles he would have to face, when all of the sudden, the Lombax experienced that familiar feeling underneath his tail. Nature was calling.


“Um...Qwark?” Ratchet whispered to the captain.


“Ratchet, don’t worry about asking me things. You can communicate with me on this headset,” Qwark said, placing the headset on the Lombax’s cranium. “It’s a brand new one with a microphone that can pick anything up clear as day!”


“Look, Qwark, that’s nice and all, but you should know that I need to--”


“--LET THE SURVIVAL COMMENCE!!!”


Ratchet felt a vibration under his feet and realized that he was standing on a launch pad. Before he could react, it flung him and Clank over the stage and into the forest. With Clank attached to his back, Ratchet landed in a pool of water with a splash. He surfaced quickly, looking irritated.


“Well, I wasn’t expecting to get soaking wet in here,” said Ratchet.


“Good thing the headset’s waterproof!” Ratchet heard in his ear.


“Hey, Qwark?” asked Ratchet.


“Yes, cadet?” Ratchet heard in the headset.


“Can the audience hear our conversations?” asked Ratchet.


“Oh no, don’t worry about that, Ratchet,” Qwark said winking to the audience, “your conversations with me are kept entirely secret.”


Little did Ratchet know however that Qwark was exaggerating about how secret the conversations were, as they were being broadcast for the audience and all of the TV watchers across the galaxy to hear.


“Okay, good,” said Ratchet swimming to dry land, “because we have a bit of a problem on our hands.”


“What’s the issue Ratchet?” asked Qwark.


“Well, I kinda ate a lot of food before coming here...and nature took its course…” the Lombax explained sheepishly.


“Go on…” said Qwark with false inquisitiveness, knowing exactly what Ratchet was leading to.


“So I kinda have to ‘go’,” said Ratchet with a nervous smile. Immediately after hearing this, the crowd of over a thousand broke out into laughter. Ratchet heard their laughing over the headset. “Hey, Qwark, are those people out there laughing at something.”


“Oh, no no no, don’t worry about that buddy,” said Qwark, “they’re just laughing at a joke I told them earlier.”


“Well,” said Ratchet, “okay.”


“Look, can you just try to hold it ‘till the end of the challenge?” asked Qwark.


“TWO HOURS?” snapped Ratchet, “I don’t even know if I can hold it in for one!” After that remark, the frustrated Lombax felt something move in his lower body, when all of the sudden…


*PPPFFRRRTTT*


Ratchet immediately blushed and threw his paws onto his hind end. He smiled embarrassedly and addressed Qwark.


“Hey, Qwark,” said Ratchet blushing furiously.


“Yes? He he he he,” said Qwark.


“I’m guessing the cameras and the mics caught that?” said the Lombax.


“Our cameras and mics catch everything, pal!” said Qwark.


“Well isn’t that just pleasant,” Ratchet said sarcastically. His tail instinctively lifted again and another loud fart was emitted from his behind.


*PFFFFTTT*


“Okay, well I’m gonna go fight some robots,” Ratchet said awkwardly.


“You do that,” said Qwark.


The embarrassed Lombax started running around the forest with his pal Clank until they stumbled upon two dozen robots in a clearing. Ratchet jumped at them and attacked with his gigantic wrench until all that was left were piles of nuts and bolts. Ratchet kept moving through the forest until an hour had passed and the ground was littered with robot parts.


“That’ll teach you guys to mess with--”


*FFLLRRBBTTT*


“...me,” Ratchet said, defeated. “Man, I really have got to do my duty,” Ratchet whispered to himself, not realizing his subtle remarks were heard by everyone watching.


“Sir,” said Clank, “I advise you find a place to… ‘relieve yourself’ in the next several minutes, as there is the possibility of having an accident on live television.”


“What!? I can’t ‘go’ out here,” said Ratchet shyly, “the whole galaxy’s watching! What if they see my--”


“I suggest you find a good place to hide, sir,” said Clank, “and Quickly.”


“I guess I have no choice,” said the embarrassed Lombax.


Ratchet scoured the forest for a way to cover his modesty while he did his business. After searching for ten minutes, he and Clank eventually arrived at a cluster of bushes with a small open space in them middle.


“Alright, Clank,” said Ratchet, “I think this looks like a good place.”


Clank detached from Ratchet’s back and Ratchet moved into the bushes, concealing his lower half.


“Alright, Clank,” said Ratchet, “I need you to keep watch for any robots while I do my duty.”


“Roger that, sir,” said Clank.


Ratchet looked around to see if there were any cameras directly on him (and it seemed like there weren’t), so he began to remove his pants. He slowly pulled them down, making sure his privates and tush weren’t visible, and he stepped out of them. He bent over and threw them on top of the bushes he was surrounded by. 


“Oh, uh, Qwark?” asked Ratchet.


Qwark and the rest of the audience were having trouble containing their giggling, but Qwark answered Ratchet anyway. “Yes, Ratchet?”


“Could you turn the cameras off for a second while I… you know…?” Ratchet said with a sheepish grin.


“Uh, these cameras can’t turn off, Ratchet. They’ve practically got minds of their own. The ones hidden in the trees will pan and zoom until they get the perfect shot of ya. Sorry, buddy,” explained Qwark.


“Ugghhhh,” said Ratchet, embarrassed with his situation.


One of the hidden cameras, which was about ten feet in front of him in a tree, was luckily at eye level with Ratchet (and therefore wasn’t in view of his privates), so it only caught his upper body.


The Lombax squatted and closed his eyes, so as to at least imagine he wasn’t being filmed. He lifted his tail up high and proceeded to let a few farts out.


*PFFFT* *PRRRFFFTTTT*


“Whew, turn off your smell receptors Clank, heh heh, those were kinda ripe,” quipped Ratchet.


The Lombax was trying his best to handle the situation casually, but he was still greatly embarrassed. He then squatted slightly lower and began to urinate. The microphone he was hooked up to captured the trickle onto the ground and the sigh of relief ratchet gave. If this wasn’t embarrassing enough for Ratchet, the worst had yet to come. 


After ratchet had been urinating for twenty seconds, the piddling ceased and his bowels shifted. He lifted his tail up high and began to answer the call of nature. Logs of Lombax business were beginning to come from under Ratchet’s tail with crackling and popping noises. Each log landed with a damp thud on the ground underneath him. More crap exited the Lombax’s back door and didn’t show any signs of stopping. Eventually a large pile of dung had been formed and was now slightly steaming underneath Ratchet’s furry rear end.


After he was finished, the Lombax was feeling especially dirty on his behind. Staying in his squatting position he frantically searched for something to wipe with, and he eventually found a large leaf on the ground. Just as he picked it up and was running it over his dirty tailhole, a dangerous looking fireball that appeared to have been shot out of nowhere was heading in his direction. Before Ratchet could react, it flew into the bush, igniting it and almost instantaneously reducing it to a pile of ash. Still squatting, Ratchet turned in fear to see the robot who shot the fireball was running to another part of the forest.


“Phwew,” said the Lombax, “that was a close one.”


“Uh...sir?” said Clank. “The bush is gone.”


The camera zoomed in on a dumbfounded and shocked Ratchet, who was squatting over his pile of Lombax droppings. He immediately covered himself with his paws and leaned over toward Clank.


“Where are my pants, Clank?” asked Ratchet.


“I’m sorry to relay this information to you, but it appears that they were disintegrated in the fire,” said Clank.


Ratchet blushed deeply. “Everyone can see me naked, though! What am I supposed to cover up with?”


“Well, your wrench is on the ground over there,” said Clank.


“Hey, that’ll work!” said Ratchet moving over toward the wrench. He bent over to pick it up just before realizing that he was exposing his naked furry hind end to the cameras. Realizing this, he picked up the wrench and immediately covered his hind end, not realizing that he was now exposing his special lombax parts to the hidden cameras. He then decided it would just be best to have his rear exposed and cover his nethers with the wrench. After all, he wouldn’t want the whole galaxy judging how he sizes up “down there”.


“HA HA HA HA! Oh, Ratchet! That was quite the show you gave everyone there!” said Qwark over the headset. “Who knew Lombaxes had such furry keisters!?”


“Shut up Qwark!” said Ratchet, “This is already humiliating enough for me.”


“Well, I called in to let you know that you have 45 minutes left to kill that last robot!” said Qwark.


“What? I thought you said I just had to survive for two hours!” complained Ratchet.


“Well, I sort of forgot to mention that you also have to kill all of the enemies in that time as well,” said Qwark.


“Ugghhh...fine!” said an irritated Ratchet.


Ratchet and Clank ran over to where they presumed the robot to be, Ratchet keeping a tight grip on the wrench he was holding over his private parts. The cameras following Ratchet all got prime views of his bare derriere for the audience of millions across the galaxy to see. The duo eventually made it to a clearing where the hostile robot was standing on the other side, fireball gun at the ready. 


“You’re going down, you perverted bucket of bolts!” yelled Ratchet. The angry Lombax was about to charge at the robot when he realized what he was about to do. If he went to beat this robot up with the wrench, moving the wrench would show everyone his...he needed to find a way to stay covered. He looked around for a solution and realized that the solution was on him the whole time. His shirt! Ratchet saw some nearby bushes and dashed into their cover very quickly. After some rustling, he emerged with his shirt tied around his waist.


Satisfied with the cover, Ratchet dashed at the hostile robot and jumped to hit him with his wrench. While in midair, however, the Lombax failed to notice that the robot was charging a fire shot directed at him. Just as he was delivering a fatal blow to the robot, the shot disintegrated the Lombax’s shirt, leaving him completely naked. The robot collapsed and Ratchet was victorious!


“Congratulations, Ratchet! *he he* We’re beaming you out now!” said Qwark, containing his laughter.


Ratchet and Clank appeared suddenly on the stage and were met with applause and whistles, Ratchet still being unaware that he was buck naked. It wasn’t until the flashes from all of the cameras were going off that Ratchet caught onto what was happening. He nervously looked down to see that he was indeed naked for the whole world to see. He covered up his furry rod with the wrench and blushed with a nervous smile on his face.


“Hey, Clank,” said Ratchet.


“Yes?” replied Clank.


“Can you call the ship over and fly away as fast as possible?” asked Ratchet.


“Sure thing, sir,” said Clank.