Answering the Call of the Wilde


Following the events of the savage animal crisis, Nicholas Wilde had been admitted into the Zootopia Police Department, and was working with his friend Judy Hopps. The two would often get assigned together to important and urgent crime cases. It had already been two months, and the crime-fighting duo already had a dozen or so major cases under their belt.


One day, Judy and Nick got called into Chief Bogo’s office for classified reasons. The fox and the bunny came in together to see what Bogo had to say to them. 


“Take a seat, recruits,” said Bogo. Judy and Nick sat as Bogo told them to. “I’d like to congratulate you both on a very successful first two months together in the force.”


“Thanks so much Chief! It’s really been an honor working here!” said Judy enthusiastically.


“Easy carrots, ya don’t want to be kissing the chief’s butt too hard now, do ya?” said Nick.


“I don’t see you showing any respect for our chief!” said Judy.


“My apologies, how could I have been so rude, your majesty,” said Nick sarcastically.


“Easy, you two!” said Bogo. “You both had better learn to get along in the next few minutes, because I’m sending you two on a special case I’ve just gotten word of.”


“What’s the case, Bogo?” asked Nick.


“That’s ‘chief’ to you, fox.” said Bogo angrily. “Anyway, as of recent, there have been a number of vandalisms reported in Zootopia. The culprit always seems to get away without being spotted, so I need you two to catch this criminal in the act. Our sources tell us that he’s likely to strike next at Jumbeaux’s Cafe downtown. Get a move on!”


“The Hopps Wilde duo is on the case!” said Judy.


“Don’t call us that,” said Nick.


The crime-solving buddies made their way out to the lobby of the police department when they were stopped by a familiar voice.


“NIIICCCKKKK!!!” yelled a chubby leopard from across the room.


“Uh oh,” said Nick to Judy, “WHAATTT IS IT?” Nick yelled jokingly back to the voice.


“Get your tail on over here! I’ve got a surprise…” said Clawhauser.
The fox reluctantly walked over to the front desk with Judy to hear what the cheetah had to say.


“Okay,” said Clawhauser, “so I know I was gone for your birthday on vacation a few days ago…”


“And…” said Nick.


“And I wanted to make up for me being gone, so I got you a whole box of doughnuts from my favorite doughnut place!” yelled Clawhauser excitedly.


“Sorry, Clawhauser, but Judy and I have to leave. We’re on a case,” said Nick.


“Oh, but you have to eat these doughnuts now! They’ll go bad in a couple hours...and I spent so much money on them!” said Clawhauser making a pouty face.


“Thanks for the doughnuts, Clawhauser, but I’m just not sure if I can eat an entire box right now…” said Nick. After saying this to Clawhauser, the cheetah looked as if he was about to burst into tears.


*Sigh* “I guess I’ll try my best,” said Nick.


“Yay!” said Clawhauser.


The sly fox opened up the doughnut box to see twelve assorted doughnuts, each with an extravagance of toppings. He knew he would just want to get it over with, so he started woofing them down as fast as he could. Soon enough, after eating as many as he could, Nick got down to the last doughnut. He shoved it in his muzzle and made a funny face at the taste of it. He swallowed the entire thing after chewing it thoroughly.


“Hey, Clawhauser,” said Nick, “what was in that last doughnut I ate?”


“Oh, that one? It has prunes in it. To tell ya the truth, I’d often get a little backed up when I ate a whole box, so I started ordering the prune flavored one, and it helped out a lot ‘back there’.” said Clawhauser. “Don’t worry, it’s definitely not enough to give you the runs or anything. It’s just so you won’t get constipated, ha ha!”


“Ummm….thanks?” said Nick, belly now grown outward.


“C’mon Nick,” said Judy, “we have to go.”


Nick and Judy ran out of the building and hopped into the police car, flipping on the siren and driving quickly over to Jumbeaux’s Cafe. When they arrived, however, the culprit had already struck! Written in big letters on the window in spray paint were the words “COPS SUK”.


“Looks like we have a poor speller on our hands,” said Nick.


“Shush!” said Judy, “we need to ask around about this.” Judy looked across the street and saw an old bear, sitting on his balcony outside his apartment. “Excuse me...sir?” she shouted up to him.


“Yes?!” said the grumpy old bear back to Judy.


“Did you happen to see the animal that committed that vandalism crime over there?” asked the determined bunny.


“Why yes I did! That hooligan looked like he was going crazy! I think I caught him mumbling something about ‘Rocky Road’,” said the old bear.


“Rocky Road? That’s two hours north of here! Up in Tundratown!” said Nick.


“Well, we had better get going then. Thanks Mr. Bear!” said Judy.


Judy and Nick drove off quickly after investigating the scene. The two hour drive was stressful, leaving the animals to wonder whether or not they would be fast enough to catch the culprit. When they finally arrived at Rocky Road in Tundratown, they discovered that no one was up there. They drove around wondering why anyone would want to vandalize a place like this. They eventually reached an open area with the words spray painted on the ground “THE MUSEUM'S NEXT”.


“Well, at least they spelled museum right,” said Nick.


“Look! There are footprints over there!” said Judy.


Both recruits hopped out of the car and walked over to the prints.


“What animal do they look like, Nick?” asked Judy.


“Let me take a look,” said the fox, moving toward them. Nick bent over to get a closer look at the prints, when he suddenly felt something happening in his lower body.


*PFFFTT* 


Nick had just released a short, loud and proud fart from under his fluffy tail. Unfortunately for Judy, she was standing right behind the fox when it happened. Nick stood up immediately, grasped his hindquarters with his paws, and blushed deeply.


“Yuck! Gross, Nick! Why’d you have to do that in my face?” askyed Judy.


“Sorry! I guess those were the doughnuts…” said Nick, embarrassed. “Do you think there are any bathrooms out here, because I might be needing one soon,” said Nick, legs slightly closer to each other and a sheepish grin on his face.


“Nick, there aren’t any bathrooms out here. We’re in the middle of nowhere!” said Judy.


“Oh no. I don’t know if I can hold it till we get back. Can we stop somewhere along the way?” Nick said, paws now on his rear end.


“Nosiree,” said Judy, “we’ve gotta beat the culprit to the museum.”


“Seriously?” said Nick impatiently, “Okay, but drive fast.”


Judy and Nick took off yet again, speeding down the backroads of tundra town and eventually into the downtown area.


“Oh yeah, I forgot to ask you. What animal’s tracks do you think those were?” asked Judy.


*Grunt* “Hnnghh; definitely a weasel.” said Nick, sitting on his paws.


“Woah, Nick. You look like you really gotta go!” said Judy, a little concerned for her friend.


“I can hold it,” said Nick. *PPPFFFRRRTTTT* “Heh, sorry carrots.”


“GROSS!” said Judy, fanning her nose with her paw. “Crack a window!”


Nick rolled the car’s window down as they rolled up to the museum. The museum was closed to the public, but Judy and Nick easily got in with their police force badges. Nick was struggling holding in his business, and looked for a bathroom in the museum. He saw that there was a camel working at the front desk.


“Excuse me, ma'am,” said Nick with an urgent look on his face, “do you happen to have a restroom that I could use?”


“Sorry sir, but our restroom facilities are currently undergoing renovation.”


Nick was waddling along with Judy in their investigation in the museum holding his tail between his legs.


“Nick, you gotta stop walking like that. You look stupid!” said Judy.


“Ugghhh,” said Nick, removing his tail from between his legs and now just clenching his paws.


*FLLLRRRRBBBTTT*


The extraordinarily loud flatulence from underneath the fox’s tail echoed throughout the empty museum. 


“Heh heh, ohhhhh that’s embarrassing,” Nick said scratching his head. Judy couldn’t help but giggle at Nick’s unfortunate predicament. Nick knew that he needed to find a place to do his business now. He and Judy eventually walked past the exhibit where Nick was shot with a blueberry and pretended to be a savage fox. He then realized that if he was to go to the bathroom without soiling himself, it would need to be hidden in there.


“Uhhh, Judy? I’m gonna take a look down in there for some clues,” said Nick. “I’ll meet you wherever you are later.”


“Alright! Sounds good to me, Nick,” said Judy.


Judy ran off to find where the culprit was and Nick hopped down into the pit, landing with a short, raspy fart from his behind.


“Hah...finally!” he said with a relieved look on his face. The desperate fox spotted an area of the exhibit with tall grass and a rock that looked pretty hidden from view. Looking up into the viewing area to make sure no one was looking, Nick removed the bottom half of his uniform and was now naked from the waist down. He made his way quickly over to the tall grass and squatted in it in front of the rock. Checking his surroundings once more, he lifted his tail up high and revealed his tailhole and furry balls while letting loose three powerful and smelly farts before his stomach growled. Nick grunted and made fists with his paws while he started to push logs from his hind end. They crackled and popped as they emerged from underneath his tail and plopped on the ground underneath him in an accumulating pile.


“Wheewh,” said the fox, waving a paw by his nose, “those doughnuts really smell on the way out!”


Nick squatted lower on his haunches and lifted up his tail even higher and began to drop more fox business from his tailhole. “Ahhhhhh” said Nick, relieved even more. Nick had made a pretty large pile, and then he proceeded to let loose more gas and take a quick whiz. “Ohhhhh that hits the spot,” said Nick as he was tinkling on the ground. When the fox finished evacuating his body of everything that needed to go, he realized he didn’t exactly have any toilet paper.


“Uh oh,” said the fox, concerned for his dirty derriere, “there has to be something around here I can use to clean up back there.”


He scanned the area until he found a big leaf right at his feet! He picked it up and ran it across his poo-stained hole, cleaning it from the poop that had accumulated. He threw the dirty leaf on the ground next to his pile of handiwork, and went over to put his pants back on. After he was all covered in his lower region, Nick climbed out of the pit and ran over to where he heard noise and Judy shouting. He ran around a corner to see that Judy had restrained the culprit. It was none other than Duke Weaselton.


“I got ‘im, Nick,” Judy said with a smile.


“Nice job, carrots!” said Nick.


“Hey, you look pretty relaxed! Did you find a bathroom?” asked Judy.


“Umm...in a sense, yeah,” Nick said nervously.


“Uhhhh, okay? Anyway, let’s take this weasel to the car!” said Judy.


Judy and Nick hopped in the car, restraining the weasel and taking him to be imprisoned at the police station.


“A job well done!” said Nick.


“High-five!” said Judy, jumping up to give Nick a high five.


Chief Bogo called the officers in, congratulated them on a job well done, and sent them home for the day.


Nick woke up the next morning from a good night’s sleep, put on his uniform, and drove over to the police department. The sly fox was sitting at his desk filling out forms for resolved cases when Chief Bogo came over the intercom and delivered a message.


“Hello, this is Chief Bogo speaking. I’d like to call all officers into the conference room for a special meeting.”


Nick was intrigued, and he made his way over to the conference room as soon as the message was over. He grabbed a seat along with the rest of his colleagues (including Judy Hopps and Clawhauser) and waited for Chief Bogo to enter. When the chief did enter, he had a sly grin on his face, which made Nick and his coworkers curious about what he was thinking. Bogo set his laptop down on the table and plugged it into the room’s projector, now displaying his inbox.


“Good morning, everybody. This morning, I received multiple calls about something unpleasant in an exhibit in the Natural History Museum.”


Nick’s stomach immediately sank and his eyes widened. Had Chief Bogo figured out what had happened already? Nonsense; there was no way! He probably called everyone in because he wanted us to look for who did it.


“Last night, in the feral history exhibit, an unknown animal defecated and urinated on the ground and left without cleaning anything up.”


The whole room began to giggle like children at how comical the situation was.


“I agree that it’s funny, but believe me. It gets funnier.”


Nick had a bad feeling about what was to happen.


“As it turns out, the museum had many cameras installed in the exhibit last week to prevent theft of artifacts. Those cameras recorded some pretty interesting things and gave us a pretty...personal...look at our culprit.”


Bogo clicked on an email he received from the museum security staff.


“Oh and I forgot to mention. Our culprit is in this very room. Viewer discretion advised, ladies and gentlemen.”


Nick knew this was it for him. He was about to be completely humiliated. How was he supposed to know there were cameras in the exhibit?! Bogo pulled up the video, made it full-screen, and turned the volume to max. Looking straight into the eyes of Nick, he pressed play on the video.


The video began with a thud and fart sound, and into the frame walked Nicholas Wilde. Everyone turned to look at him, and the fox immediately stood up and was about to make his way to the door, when he was stopped by Bogo.


“Wilde, if you walk out that door, you lose your job,” said Bogo.


Nick was shocked by the sheer drasticity of the consequences, and he went to sit down.


“Ah, there you go, Wilde. Alright everybody, prepare to see the fox in its most ‘natural’ state, ha ha!”


With that, the video continued and was now showing nick slipping off his pants, and then his underpants, which garnered some whistles from some of the officers. Nick was blushing furiously and was trying his best to hide his embarrassment, but it was no use. The video now showed Nick approaching the grass right in front of the camera, turning around, and squatting low to the ground. He lifted his tail and presented every police officer his pink tailhole and fuzzy privates hanging between his hind legs. All of the female officers blushed and giggled while the big, burly male officers were in hysterics laughing.


“Nice rear, Wilde!” said Bogo, teasing Nick.


The video then display Nick’s butthole opening as he farted three times, and with the volume turned all the way up, the audience got the full effect.


“Wow, Nick!” said Clawhauser, “what went into your system that made you do that, huh?”


“It was your stupid doughnuts!” said the fox embarrassedly. The whole room laughed at Nick’s remark and continued to watch the video.


Now, Nick was beginning to get down to “business”. He dropped three large logs that all piled up underneath his tush. After dropping them, he talked to himself:


“Wheewh,” said the fox, waving a paw by his nose, “those doughnuts really smell on the way out!”


The whole room burst into laughter again, Nick blushing and smiling bashfully. In the video, the fox dropped two more logs and exhaled a sigh of relief. “Ahhh that hits the spot” also got some laughs out of his audience as Nick started to urinate.


“Wow, you really did have to go,” said Judy, blushing and looking at Nick.


“I just can’t stand everyone looking at my...my…” said Nick.


“It’s pretty, embarrassing, I’ll give you that. But hey, everybody poops!” said Judy.


“Nobody poops in front of an audience this big,” said Nick, blushing again.


The video then showed Nick after he finished whizzing:


“Uh oh,” said the fox, concerned for his dirty derriere, “there has to be something around here I can use to clean up back there.”


Nick then picked up a leaf, and when he squatted to wipe, gave the camera a better look at his dirty tailhole. He rubbed the leaf on his furry butt and removed it to display a clean, pink butthole. He blushed again, as everyone was getting one last look at his most intimate parts. He then walked off of the camera, leaving nothing in the frame but the enormous pile of fox poo and his whiz.


The whole staff burst into laughter, pointing at Nick who was embarrassed beyond belief.


“Well, Wilde. What did you learn today?” asked Bogo.


“To find a real bathroom when I have to--?” said Nick.


“--That’s right. You’re all dismissed now!” said Bogo. The Buffalo then pulled Nick aside: “And if you ever do something like this again, I’ll make sure that this tape and your furry naked fox rump ends up all over the internet for the whole world to see.”