Midnight Chat


Rex pulled himself halfway awake, ears twitching.
Something was wrong.
Eyes still shut, the twenty year old rat's ears and nose twitched, collecting data. The air circulation systems hummed; the only noise in his cramped quarters. The pitch and steady rhythm told him those machines operated normally. He wouldn't be able to hear the water pumps in his quarters even if yesterdays fix on them failed, but his communications would be beeping if that needed fixing again and the third shift couldn't handle it. No fire alarm or incoming attack klaxons wailed, so the shelter was neither being breached nor burning down. No smell of smoke in the air, just the normal scent of himself and the tigers he now lived with as well as hints of the meal he had fixed a few hours before bedtime. His still groggy mind still scrambled to keep him awake to figure out what the danger was, but sleep got more insistent about pulling him back every threat he determined was not happening.
He was going to chalk it up to a dream that startled him and roll to his side to slide back down into deeper sleep, but realized he couldn't adjust his position. At first, it seemed like one of those dreams where he was locked in place and could move. Then, it became obvious that something was holding him down on his back. Something big and heavy. 
The rodent's eyes popped open. Pinpoints of light reflecting off the white ceiling, pretending they were stars in the night sky. This level of illumination offered only shadows at best, even with his night vision.
His arms were still under the sheet with him, but not completely pinned.
His brain suddenly kicked in and he realized that in addition to the normal smells of his bedroom, the strong scent of two tigers was more than just the normal background scents that followed him no matter how filtered the air or clean his fur.
Rex panicked at the thought of Cindy being in his room. That would be bad and potentially fatal. The Chief made it clear beyond the shadow of a doubt that he would never be able to be with any tigress in the shelter. But the feminine scent, while strong and fresh, was not current.
"Travis?" the rat asked, since that was the stronger scent.
A grunt came from the tiger, who's head was on the rat's chest. Rex chose to assume that this was acknowledgment that it was indeed Travis.
Questions swirled through the rat's mind.  Why was Travis here? He was supposed to be with Cindy tonight. From the scents he carried with him, he had been there until recently, and they had been intimate on some level, which was what they were supposed to be doing. Why wasn't Travis still with her? What was the tiger's intentions, laying on him and somewhat pinning him? How did he get in Rex's private quarters?
In the end, though, Rex asked his best friend's older brother, "Are you okay?"
There was no immediate answer, which after several seconds was in and of itself an answer. Rex wiggled his arms out from under the sheet and moved them to Travis's back. He was happy that the tiger was still wearing a shirt, at least. One less problem in the stack.
Rubbing the other male's back, Rex could feel the tension there. "What's wrong?"
More silence was the response, which had Rex worried that something really bad had happened. While he and Travis got along okay, they had never been real close. Before the bombs fell, it had been the age difference. Two grade levels didn't seem like much now, but had when they had all been in school.
"Is Cindy okay?" Rex finally asked, trying to figure out why Travis wasn't still with her. There was just a hint of blood mixed in with all the sex that they had obviously had, but that was normal when the tigers were paired off for breeding as far as he could tell. There hadn't been a lot of these pairings in the three years since the bomb sirens sent them all scurrying into shelters, but a rodent's nose knows, so to speak.
"Yeah. She's fine. We finished the three times tonight and..." Travis paused long enough Rex was getting worried. "We just decided to go our separate ways once we were done."
Rex pondered that response for a while. It was unlikely that any of the furs who entered the shelters before the bombs dropped would still be alive when conditions allowed life outside the protected mini-cities deep underground. The belief was that it would be at least two or three generations before it would be safe to exit. This meant there had to be children so those generations would exist. But resources were limited. There were systems set up to keep things recycling so there would be food to eat, water to drink and air to breathe, but that also meant making sure there were not too many needing those resources. Thus, the tigers set up a structured schedule that limited breeding opportunities, allowing them only when it was safe to add another mouth to feed to the shelter's population.
To keep inbreeding at a minimum, the tigers also had a system set up that controlled the pairings that would happen. Almost exactly the opposite of romantic, but the tigers wanted to make sure their population would have the best chance of having healthy members when the time came to exit the shelter. There was more to their methodical approach that sounded less scientific. Each time a pair was to breed they had sex three times a session for three sessions. Supposedly, that increased the chances of fertilization, but to an outsider like Rex, it sounded like superstition.
The muscles of Travis's back were slowly relaxing as the rat kept rubbing them. Before he could ask his next question, the tiger seemed to take the silence as an expectation for more information. "She and I would never have hooked up before. So we did what was expected of us tonight and didn't see the need to do more."
"I see. So why are you here? And how did you even get into my quarters?"
"You are Troy's best friend. I mean, you're close enough to the family that we all spoke up for making sure you were let in despite not being a tiger. I just didn't want to be around other tigers who might judge me for not staying with her all night. She and I will never be anything other than parents to a child that the community will raise, just like every other pair that is made to breed. Everyone seems to think it's exciting to get to have sex and make a kitten. But I just didn't see things that way. I didn't want to do it. I mean, I did it anyway, and will finish the other two nights, but it is a chore - a responsibility. It is not what I want. I hoped you would understand and I could be myself and unwind from what I just did here."
Rex let out a sigh. While Travis was two years older than him and had been larger than the rat all through school. In the two years after the tiger graduated, Rex had come into quite the final growth spurt. He grew larger than most of the tigers he knew. He had passed Travis by half a foot in height. Even before he was put on the repair team that had physically intense jobs in the shelter from time to time, the rat had been strong enough to pick his best friend's brother up if need be. While he did not think he needed to yet, he certainly wanted to pick up the feline and shake him. Instead, he kept petting the tiger's back. It helped calm both of them.
"That's," Rex started but then paused to better collect his thoughts. Calling what was just said a pile of untreated sewage was a bit harsh. So instead he took another deep breath despite the weight holding him down and tried a more understanding approach.
"I hear you, Travis. I wish that things could be better and you didn't have to do something so intimate with someone you are not wanting and able to be with in a long term relationship. But why did you come here instead of going to Marv? He's been your best friend since longer than I've known your family. He, like me, is not a tiger and so could be there for you like you say you need. You and I are not close enough friends for you to be on my bed, laying on me while I rub your back. You shouldn't have been able to get in here. So if you wont tell me how you got in, at least tell me why you came here to me rather than going to him."
Travis tensed again and tried to pull up off Rex, but the rat held him tight. "Let me go. You obviously don't want me here."
"You're already here, Travis. I'm not going to let you run off without knowing things are going to be okay. Did you and Marv have a fight? Is there some other reason you came to your younger brother's best friend instead of going to yours?"
The tiger shivered a second before relaxing his weight back down on Rex's chest. "He's? Marv has been acting a little cold since he found out I was to have to sleep with Cindy for this breeding ritual."
"Have you talked with him about it? You two have been through worse things than this. I'm sure he's not upset at you. I imagine that it's the situation that has him acting weird. As the only warthog in this shelter, he might be feeling some jealousy that you get to be with Cindy and there's no sow here for him to ever be with."
"No," Travis said. In the pause after the word, Rex assumed he meant he hadn't talked to Marv about the issue. Before he could come up with a way to respond, though, the tiger started running a finger over the muscles in Rex's chest and continued. "We're? not like that. He knows I'm not going to desert him. I think. He should. We've been? He hasn't been? Even before this chore with Cindy, neither of us have been?. We take care of each other. He knows me being with Cindy doesn't stop him and me from doing... that. We talked about how this is just something I have to do. But? Maybe you're right and he's just not telling me that he's hurtin'. I didn't want to go back and see if? We agreed that the three days I was doing my responsibility, he could have some other tiger over if he needed. I don't want to walk in if he's? busy."
Rex let out a deep breath he hadn't realized he'd held through the explanation. "That's a lot to take in. It sounds like you're both trying to be mature about what's happening and that explains why you didn't go to talk with him.
"You're not? upset?"
"Travis, I'm not at all upset or think it's wrong that you and he help each other out. I am happy you both have such a close relationship and am honored you've told me. I know tigers don't? No, let me rephrase that. I know that traditional tigers, like the ones that set up this shelter, run it and have the system set up for controlling who breeds would not be understanding. They don't like males being intimate with males and they really, really hate tigers being intimate with those of us who are not tigers. As you said earlier, your family, specifically your mother, had to really put their foot down to get me a place in this shelter. It was brave of you to share your relationship with Marv with me, even if I am neither traditional nor a tiger."
"But you're not happy I showed up."
"I am surprised you showed up. I am concerned you were able to get in without making a lot of noise. You may not be here to hurt me, but there's more than one tiger that hates having a rat in their shelter."
"Shit, I'm sorry, Rex. I wasn't thinking of that. Mom is your emergency contact and has the override code in case she needs to do a safety check. I? have a copy of the codes for all the family. Just in case something happens to her."
Rex remained quiet. He had his answer. 
"I know I kind of overstepped, but? I mean, the first day of school after we moved into the school district you had grown up in, you stood up to a Kodiak who was one grade higher than me when he tried to intimidate Troy."
"Well, Jackson was being a jackass, and I don't mean a donkey. He would bully anyone who let him, but I knew he would back down when someone might raise enough fuss that could draw the attention of adults."
"No. You reacted immediately when he started causing trouble. You tore him down verbally while standing up to him as if you were more dangerous than a predator much older and larger and ? physically more mature than you. And he backed off."
"Grumbling and plotting to try and figure out a way to get me alone where there weren't any witnesses," Rex pointed out.
"But he never did, did he?" the tiger asked.
"No."
"You were the rock he broke against. Then you were the rock that supported Troy, helping him get comfortable with not only the new school but also with the subjects he had trouble with. And then? when we lost Grandmother, we tigers were all talking about what we lost. I mean all of us. At the memorial, we were all talking about how much we missed her and just dwelling on how the world would be less without her in it. Then you got up to speak. And what you said, I still think about it when I miss her, or those who didn't make it, or the world we'll never see again. I wish I could remember the exact words better. Lots of times it would be nice to hear you say those words again. You and I may not be close, but you have always been there when any of my family needed support. Even when some might not think they need support from someone who is not a tiger."
"She was the one that suggested that poem," Rex said softly. In his head he ran over the lines. His memory might be the only copy of it. He thought it was all in there.
"Who? Mom?" Travis asked.
"No. Your grandmother is who suggested it."
"When did she have a chance to do that?"
"That last family reunion before she got diagnosed. I've often wondered if she knew she was sick even then." Rex could feel Travis tensing up. He was probably going to ask for more details. There was no reason to hide them from him, so Rex continued.
"She approached me during one of the times that Troy got called away and I was on my own. Her first question was if I was doing okay around all the grumps who thought Troy should not have brought me to the reunion."
Both of them paused to let out a short huff of amusement.
"I remember that so many of my distant cousins were upset," Travis said.
"Yeah, they hadn't had any time like you and your parents getting used to Troy and I hanging out together so much. I told her something similar to that and asked if she was one of those grumps. She seemed amused by that and said that she saw how close Troy and I were. She mentioned how happy she was to see her grandson thriving because of his closeness to me. Reassured me the grumps would eventually get used to me and it would be good for them to see someone being a better tiger than them even if I didn't have stripes. I didn't understand why she brought it up at the time, but she just kind of mentioned that she hoped I was still close to the family when she passed so I could give the poem at her memorial. Can't say for sure she knew, but I did remember it when I got home and looked the poem up. Which helped me remember her request."
"Why didn't you mention this before?" Travis asked.
"Early on, like I said, I thought it was weird, but also probably something the rest of you knew. When she got sick, I figured you all needed to focus your attention on being with her and supporting her. After she passed, everyone was focused on dealing with everything that needed to be done. I still thought others had been told about the poem. It wasn't until everyone got up and there was no poem from anyone else that I figured out that I was the only one she told. I was glad I had memorized it for her, and all of you."
"Do you still remember it?" Travis asked.
"I do. I'm guessing the library doesn't have it?"
"No. I've looked and asked around. No luck."
Rex reached over to the side table by his bed. He couldn't quite reach far enough to open the drawer in it.
"Travis, I'm going to need you to either get off me or see if you can find the recorder I keep in the drawer."
The tiger shifted and Rex noted his night vision was able to make out his shape when he moved. After some fumbling feeling around, the drawer slid open and the tiger started rooting around inside. After a few seconds, Travis grunted and moved back where he had started. "This it?" An object was placed on Rex's upper chest.
The rat's hand moved to feel the device and it was indeed his recorder.
"Yes, this is it. Thanks. I'm going to record me saying the poem so it can be added to what we have here. I think I remember it all."
"Okay. I'll be quiet," Travis said.
Rex's fingers ran over the device. He knew exactly how to get it started recording, even in the dark. Multiple late nights using it to record things he came up with after going to bed had trained him well. With a click, he knew the device was recording now.
"Immortality, a poem by Clare Harner."
Rex paused a few seconds before starting on the poem itself.
"Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die."
Rex let the soft hum of fans cycling air be the only sound for a few seconds before clicking the recorder off.
Several more seconds passed in silence before Rex heard Travis sniff. "Sorry. Don't mean to be tearing up on you."
The rat patted the tiger's back. "You never have to apologize to me for showing your feelings."
Travis shook his head and pushed himself up. Rex didn't try and stop the tiger this time as the feline moved off him and sat on the side of the bed. Instead, the rat sat up, making sure to keep the sheet over his lap. "Turning the lamp on," he warned before looking away from it and turning it on.
The seemingly overly bright light showed the orange and black furred feline sitting, shoulders slumped. He had wide shoulders and a masculine build, with thick arms and legs. He wore the gray shirt and shorts that every member of the shelter had been given to fill out their wardrobe since most hadn't had bags packed when the sirens started wailing the bombs were on the way.
Rex had reddish-brown fur and a taller, bore balanced build. He'd been told his senior year that his build was similar to that of an otter. While the rat was on the swim team, so got similar exercise as the otters in his class, he knew he was not nearly as sleek.
The tiger rubbed at his eyes. "Sorry. It's hard to ignore how you were raised. Always told to not show being weak."
"No wonder you all have such short tempers. Must be exhausting being perfect all the time."
A mixture of a chuckle and a sob escaped Travis. "Stop it. I'm trying to follow your instructions and be sad in front of you."
Rex patted the tiger's back. "I'm not sorry for trying to get you out of the whole 'woe is me' thing you've got going on. We may be trapped down here, but we are all alive."
Travis huffed. "I am sorry I wasn't thinking about how you might see me getting into your room without your permission. I should have contacted you and asked instead of just coming in. I worried about waking you up, though? it obviously happened anyway. I'm not sorry I came, though. You've been a big help despite me being a bad friend." 
"You get a little bit of a freebie, since I wouldn't even be here if not for your family. But yes, please remember to call ahead in the future. Do you think you'll need to drop by the next two nights as you finish up the breeding rituals?"
"I'm not sure. I think I should talk with Marv since I now know I won't be spending either night with Cindy. And if he has things planned already, then I'll get in touch with you."
"A wise choice," Rex said, looking up at the old analog clock on the wall. "So, looks like there's another five hours before I need to get up for work. I need to be sharp tomorrow since my team and I are double checking the repairs we did on the water purifier that jammed. Let me get you a set of my pajamas - you should be able to tighten the waste so they stay on. Why don't you go grab a shower while I do that and put some on for myself as well. Then I can get the sheets changed since you got the scent of you and Cindy being naughty all over the top sheet."
Travis's head whipped to look at Rex. "Wait, so you sleep in the nude?"
"When I'm not sharing the bed with someone else's boyfriend, I do." Rex said, giving the tiger a playful push. "Go get cleaned up. Leave your dirty clothes by the door and I'll grab them and wash them with the sheets. I'll leave the pajamas for you there as well."
"You're sure that's okay?"
"I don't have a problem with it. If you do, then I can get you a pillow and some sheets and you can stay on the couch, but I don't imagine that will be a good night's sleep for you. The worst I'll do to you is maybe snuggle in my sleep. I trust you to be on your best behavior too."
Travis tilted his head. "Really? Even after I broke in?"
"Yes, Travis. If you meant to do more than just have some contact with someone who wouldn't judge you, you would have been naked and the sheet would not have been between us by the time I woke up. If you and Marv can survive your mating ritual with Cindy and still be a couple, I doubt a platonic night in my bed will do any damage."
"What about you and??" the tiger's words dropped off.
Rex looked down, taking in a deep breath and letting it back out. "There is no me and." 
Travis tilted his head and waited for an explanation.
The rat shook his head before continuing. "The day the bombs dropped and you all brought me with you since I had been staying the night at your place and the shelter the rest of my family had been assigned was too far to make it. You mom - all of you - managed to convince the elders to let me come in to your tiger only shelter. But there was a private interview with the elders and me first. In that, I was told that if I ever even suggested that a tigress should sleep with me, they would rip my ? well, it was a very long and ugly way to die. Now, I've never been attracted to tigresses, so it wasn't much of an issue, but it also made me realize that..." he shook his head again. "I can have tiger friends, but that's it. You and your family are kind of an exception, since you all feel like family to me and you treat me likewise, but..." Another sigh came out. "I don't get to have anyone like you and Marv have each other."
"Why not?" Travis asked.
Rex just shook his head.
"No, seriously, why not," Travis pushed. "I mean, if you're not interested in being with a male to the point that you'd never consider it, then that's one thing, but I am pretty sure you think of my brother as more than just a friend. More than family. You might be denying it yourself, but I see the way you look at him. The way you've looked at him since almost the day you rescued him from Jackson."
"Troy was the first feline I was ever able to call a friend," Rex interrupted.
"You can fall in love with a friend," Travis said back.
Rex shook his head again. "I would rather have Troy as a close friend than loose him as a lover."
Travis's right ear flicked as he frowned at the rat.  He opened his mouth to say something, but then growled softly and closed his mouth. He shook his head.
"What?" Rex asked.
Travis considered his words before answering. "I didn't think you were afraid of anything. And I get what you are saying. It is scary to be more than friends. But I think you are doing both yourself and Troy a disservice by not saying anything to him. Do what you feel you must, but I think you need to ask yourself if Troy is worth being closer to. It might be a frightening risk to take and you might feel that saying anything would end the friendship if he's not interested, but what if he's gone tomorrow and you never took the chance to tell him how you really feel?"
Rex sighed and waited a few moments before responding. "I will consider what you've said. Right now is not the time to make any decisions that big."
The tiger gave a nod. "Fair enough. I would also suggest you look at it a different way. What would you have told me if I had come to you and said that I wanted to be closer to Marv than his best friend but I also worried that mentioning that to him would ruin the friendship."
Rex shook his head as he looked down at the floor. He then let out a grunt and pushed Travis. "Go get a shower."
Travis laughed as he got up and headed towards where the bathroom was in every apartment in the shelter. "Remember to apply your wisdom to yourself is all I'm saying."
The rat grabbed a pillow and tossed it towards the wall beside where Travis was retreating around a corner.
Rex remained where he sat on the bed, brows furrows and whistlers twitching as he considered what Travis said. As he heard the water running, he shook himself and got moving to do what he said he would. 
Best to get some sleep so he was alert at work. There would be time to ponder what Travis had said and figure out what he wanted to do with it after work was done. The shelter wouldn't take care of itself.