For another special Pride-themed story, I asked the ever-talented
\n\t\t\t\t\tFlyper to help me touch upon a moment in my life before I fully understood or accepted my own sexuality. She did such a superb job with the watercolors. I was absolutely blown away when she showed me the finished product. Go show her some love: check out her gallery, give her some faves, commission her if you have an idea you think would look great in her style.And as always, I’d like to thank my proofreaders:
\n\t\t\t\t\twellifimust and \n\t\t\t\t\tnyapolitanWord Count: 2,883
Link to downloadable version of the story: HERE
(By the way, some of you more eagle-eyed fans might be thinking, “Wait a minute. Those are the bisexual colors on that flag. Pat, I thought you were pansexual.” Well, when I first started exploring myself, I didn’t really know about pansexuality, or how it was different from bisexuality, so I considered myself bi for a while, until I actually sat down and read up on what pansexuality is. Turns out, that label fit me much better. Anyway, enough stalling; enjoy the story!)
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The First to Know
Oh, truth.
Plain and nuanced. Naked and hidden. Gospel and morbid.
Some are widely understood and accepted, while others are cast aside and denounced as falsehoods—or worse, heresy. Either way, all of these many, many truths out in the world have one thing in common: they exist regardless.
However, such philosophy is seldom on the mind, especially for lovers in the throws of passion. No, more important details permeated their minds: the curves of each other’s bodies, the electrifying stimulation of their erogenous zones, and the occasional prayer that the parrot’s roommate would notice the sock on the doorknob before entering. It wasn’t until the concurrent overflow of pleasure brought both of them back to consciousness of the world around them.
“Did we… at the same time?” the avian asked.
“I think so,” the canine above him replied as she carefully removed him from herself. “Hold on. Need to pee.”
The bird, too, felt the call of nature, but patiently waited his turn to freshen up. Mere moments later, with both parties relieved, the two were back in each other’s embrace, spooned together in a post-coital cuddle.
“Hey, Perci,” the bird piped up, “have you ever done that before?”
“You mean… at the same time?”
“Yeah.”
She paused. She knew the answer, of course. How could she forget? However, recalling only that one time would’ve been an insult to the many months she spent with her former lover. With all the sights they saw together. With how well she committed each inch of her partner’s body to memory. With all those saccharine words whispered into her ears as she moaned the nights away.
“Perci?” he craned his head up.
“I did,” she returned, a blush on her face. “Back when I was in Berlin.”
“Berlin?”
“Mmhmm.”
“Heh, I guess you can get laid in Germany after all.”
“Who said you couldn’t?”
“I’m not saying you can’t. It’s just there’s this one German metal song where one of the lines is literally, ‘I can’t get laid in Germany!’”
She laughed, “Sounds like incel thinking.”
“Actually, I think it might be a satire of that? Maybe? I don’t know,” he acquiesced. “So what were you doing in Germany anyway?”
“Studying abroad.”
“Oh, nice. I’d love to do that someday.”
“Oh yeah, even without the love affair, it was an awesome time.”
“Yeah, but I bet it was more fun with it, right?” He teased, sliding a hand across her hip.
“Oh, Without a doubt. Luca made it a hundred times better.”
“Luca, huh? How’d you two meet?”
“Well, my first semester there, I took German II. I already aced German I back home, but…” she shook her head. “Advanced German grammar is an absolute puzzle. Nothing like English grammar at all. So, my first few classes, I kinda sucked. So, I visited the TA’s office hours.”
She wished she could remember that day, their first meeting, the lynx’s outfit, any small gestures of courtesy that foreshadowed their inevitable relationship. Unfortunately, she couldn’t even remember what day of the week it was, and all she could say was, “Lo and behold, there was the lynx that would eventually steal my heart.”
“Luca?”
“Yep, Luca. At first, I visited just for extra tutoring, but, over time, as I got better with the material, we talked less about grammar and homework and more about… whatever we wanted: movies, music, politics, et cetera. We even swapped numbers so we could text each other.
“Finally, the end of the semester came and so did my final grades. In German II, I got a 1.9 average.”
“Oof! That must’ve stung.”
“No, Pat! That’s actually great! See, German college grading is the total opposite of ours: the lower, the better. So anything between 1.5 and 2.5 is like a B grade.”
“Oh!”
“Yep, and I couldn’t have done it without Luca’s help. So, I wanted to do something nice as thanks, like lunch or something.”
“Or a simultaneous orgasm?” He flirted with a talon down the back of her neck.
“Down, boy. I’m getting to that,” Perci retorted. “Oh, that actually reminds me. Funny story. So I mentioned we would text each other, right?”
“Mmhmm.”
“Well, we would always text in German. You know, to help me learn the language better. So, last week of the semester, I sent a message that I thought said, ‘Do you want to go out to eat with me?’”
“…and?”
“Apparently, I made a grammatical mistake and, as Luca explained, I accidentally wrote something closer to ‘Do you want to go and eat me out?’”
Ah, there’s the foreshadowing!
“Oh Lord!” he squawked, rolling onto his back lest the jiggling of his giggling belly knock his partner off the bed.
“Yeah, we switched to English to avoid any more mistakes, but other than that we agreed to hang out for lunch. The next day, we go to this Frikadelle place.”
“Frikadelle?”
“Yeah, German meatballs.”
“Ah.”
“So, we eat, we chat, I pay the bill, and I thought that would be it, but this lynx…” This stunning six foot, spitting image of felinity. “says ‘Hey, let’s go visit the Berlin Wall!’ So, we went and visited the Berlin Wall.”
Truly a sight to behold, the remains of the oppressive Cold War, sprawled with graffiti, promises of reunion, two halves made whole again through pick, hammer, and crane. Kissed as though nothing could fall.
“And after that Luca said, ‘Hey, let’s go check out the East Side Gallery!’”
“So, you went to the East Side Gallery?”
“Of course we went to the East Side Gallery.”
More than a gallery. A celebration, angry graffiti replaced with surrealist murals of resilience. A mortal kiss. Doves breaking chains. Rainbows flowing out of Mutter Erde.
“Then to Potsdamer Platz, then to the Cathedral. Took me practically everywhere. I mean, it's not like I was forced to go along or anything, but… it was like… like a really good book, where I just wanted to keep turning the page to see what would happen next.”
Pat responded with a hug, caressing her body yet again, “Sounds like you were hoping this would end in that lynx’s bed.”
“Hey, don’t skip ahead,” she scolded, with a love tap to his ass, eliciting a chuckle from the bird.
“Anyway,” she continued, “the very last stop for the night was this bar called Silverfuture. This cozy little place where it seemed like everyone knew everyone. We sat down and watched the drag queens on stage.”
“Wait, drag queens?”
“Yeah, she took me to a gay bar.”
“She?!” The avian sat up. “Luca was a woman this whole time?”
“Yeah,” the canine shrugged. “Does it matter?”
He looked around, as if searching for the source of his own outburst, until he lied back down, “No, I guess not.”
“What’s with the shock? You were there when Cairo and I fooled around, weren’t you!”
“Yeah, but that was just a scene. It’s not like you two were knuckle deep in each other or anything”
“Pfft, knuckle deep!” she snickered. “Oh, Pat, you silly, silly bird.
“Getting back on track, we’re watching the show, and during intermission, she tells me she used to be a drag king here. She points out the queens she used to perform with and tells me a bit about them all. Then… she said something to me.
“‘Perci,’” she paraphrased in her best German accent, “‘I know zis place is not for ef’ryvon, but eet is for ef’ryvon I care about. You may leaf eef you vish, but I am happy you vere here wit me, efen if only for a moment.’”
Only then did the star align in Perci’s mind and the truth shone clear as day. This club wasn’t just another tourist attraction to Luca. No, none of their destinations were. From the words of the prophets that were written on the Berlin Wall, to this very bar, Perci was too busy caught up in being a tourist to realize she was a guest in Luca’s home.
“That’s… Wow… she really just bared her soul to you like that, huh?”
“Yeah, she did.”
“So how’d you react?”
If only there were words to describe how she felt. A fire? An explosion? A supernova? All she could come up with were understatements.
“Perci?”
“Sorry, just… I had never thought about another woman like that before… but you know how I said I kept wanting to see what would happen next?”
“Uh-huh.”
“I think, in that moment, I realized, deep down, this is exactly where I wanted the story to lead,” she smiled. “So, I put my hand on her shoulder, I looked her in the eyes and said, ‘Ich werde nicht gehen.’”
“What does that mean?”
“It means, ‘I won’t leave.’”
“And how did she react?”
“She… glowed, so brightly. I couldn’t not lean in and kiss her. And I guess she felt the same way. We had our hands and lips all over each other until we got back to my dorm room. Then we really had our hands and lips all over each other.”
“And that’s when you…?”
“Yeah, and it was powerful! Like I-passed-out-from-it powerful.”
“Woah… that’s…” Pat didn’t bother concluding his sentence. The hardness between Perci’s thighs already spoke volumes.
“And when I woke up, I was in her arms. And I had the pleasure of waking like that pretty much the rest of the following semester. It was almost perfect.”
“Almost?”
She sighed, “I couldn’t stay in Germany forever. My student visa was up and I still had my life in the US.”
“Oh no…”
“We said goodbye at the airport. Both of us were a fucking mess,” she bewailed, looking down and shaking her head. “Part of me wanted to do that thing in the movies where you get off right before take off and run into her arms, but…” she threw up her hands, “life doesn’t work like that. Instead, I just… fucking cried the whole flight home.
“We kept in contact every now and then, sure, but just wasn’t the same as having her there with me, to hug and kiss and other stuff. Eventually,we’ve moved on. I found Andrew. She found a new girlfriend,” she swiveled round with a peck on his cheek, “and then I found you, too. All’s well that ends well, I guess.”
“So… she was your… you know, awakening?”
She shrugged, “If that’s you wanna put it.”
“And you didn’t know beforehand?”
“That I like girls? I mean, like I said, I never really gave it much thought. If I had to think about it, I’d say that sexually I lean a bit more towards guys while I lean more towards girls in the romantic sense.”
“And you were just… okay with that?”
She scrunched her face, “Pat, what are you trying to get at?”
“I’m not getting at anything, I’m just asking: In that moment, when you realized you were attracted to another woman, it didn’t bother you?”
“Why would it bother me?” She defended, turning to face her alleged lover.
“I’m just saying, it’s not easy being LGBT,” he argued. “I grew up watching religious protestors waving slurs around on the news.”
She rolled her eyes, “So did I, but they’re fucking idio-”
“And in middle school, everyone threw around the word ‘gay’ like it was the worst thing you could call someone.”
“Again, children. Idi-”
“Fuck, I’ve even heard stories about bi people being told to pick a side by gay people! Their own allies! Doesn’t that bother you?”
“Of course, it bothers me!” She fired back, “But I can deal with them, and I have a family and friends that accept me regardless!”
“BUT WHAT IF YOU DONT?” He flared up, “What if your not… resilient or… or…” only to die back down to cinders, gasping between breaths, “I’m sorry… I-I shouldn’t… shouldn’t have said anything… I just… I’m sorry.”
He looked away. Covered his eyes. Anything to isolate himself from his folly, as if sleep could take him. But no, not with lightning in his head, waterfalls on his brow, whirlpools in his eyes, hurricanes in his lungs…
And shelter on his shoulder…
“Hey… Pat, It’s okay. Don’t forget to breathe.”
And so he did. The stagnant dormitory air never felt so fresh.
“Hey,” she wiped a tear from his eye, “talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”
What’s wrong? Nothing was wrong in the moment. It’s what could happen that was wrong: distrust among family and friends, discrimination in work and life, all the horrors of being an other. Was that not what awaited him along that path?
…And yet, there she was, alive and happy. Whatever scars she suffered from the thorns and splinters along her journey of life have healed. And now she knew this trail like the back of her hand. That first step. He owed her at least that.
He brought his hands down, “About two months ago, Jack and I started having movie nights every Thursday at his dorm. We would grab snacks from the nearby gas station, and load up whatever was on his hard drive. Usually one of those so-bad-it’s-good B-movies, he loves those.”
She smiled and nodded, her eyes never leaving his.
“Well, one Thursday, the movie was just bad, like not funny at all. I don’t even remember the name; it was that bad. So, I wasn’t really paying attention and… I don’t know why, but…occasionally I’d look over at Jack… just sitting there, watching the monitor with that big, stupid grin of his and… I felt… I wanted to kiss him…”
“I didn’t, obviously!” He interrupted himself, “I couldn’t have… after all the years we’ve been friends…I imagine he wouldn’t have taken it too well… but I still had that thought… I mean… I’ve had dreams about… intimate moments with my friends before… guys and girls… but those are just dreams, you know? Uncontrollable nonsense made-up by your subconscious… you can explain them away… but… next Thursday… it happened again… that fucking thought… and the next Thursday… Jack got drinks… and I thought… maybe if I drank enough… the booze would drown it out… so I drank… and I drank… and that only made it worse… Fuck, the things I thought about doing to him… I hate myself for thinking about them…”
“Well, there’s nothing wrong with thinking about it. They’re just thoughts.”
“They’re not just thoughts, Perci… they’re indicative of something… and that scares me.”
“What’s so scary about liking what you like, Pat?”
“I already told you: middle school, churches, whole fucking communities. I’m just a slur to them…” he wept, “I-I don’t wanna be a slur, Perci!”
“Now there,” she cupped his cheeks with her palms, “you are not a slur. Yes, maybe you’re different, but there’s so much more to you than just what some underdeveloped fuckheads have to say… you’re… you’re me!”
“You?”
“Yes, me. And Bear. And Teej. And millions of people we’ve never met.”
“Millions?”
“Yes, you’re millions. All over the planet… doctors and lawyers… artists and poets… activists and politicians. You’re a whole fucking month of the year, filled with parades and dancing and… and love.”
“Love,” he echoed through misty-eyed streams.
“So. Much. Love… That’s what you are. And don’t let any back-handed slur yet you forget that.”
Love. A word he’s heard about here, there, and everywhere. Some magic power that would solve every problem once found. Praised like a deity in songs on the radio, movies on the big screen, and the words of Valentine’s Day cards. It always seemed so foreign, and yet there it was, all along, in the amethyst eyes staring back at him, drying his eyes, shining his shadows away, and leaving him with one indisputable thought: to reciprocate.
“Woah,” Perci yipped, as her lover wrapped his talons around her back and pressed her body against his.
Pat had long since lost count of how many times he’s held her like this, with her fur against his feathers, fingers digging into each other’s back. Nonetheless, after so many nights sharing his bed with her, this was the closest he’s ever held her.
“You okay, big guy?”
“Yeah, I am. It’s just… Thank you,” he answered, wiping his eyes one last time. “I really needed to hear that.”
“It’s the truth, you know? You’re not alone. You just gotta know where to find your friends.”
“Well, I don’t have to look too hard, do I?” He half-joked, tightening his grip around her. “After all, I got a good one right here.”
“Mmm,” she moaned, nestling into him. “Yeah, you do.”
While the hug itself was quite pleasurable, Perci couldn’t help but notice something poking her thigh that could lead to even more pleasure.
“You know, if you let me grab another condom, we could try for two in a row,” she pitched, pressing her hips against his.
“Mmm, I’d love to, but for now, I just wanna hold you a little longer.”
“Okay.”
Neither of them recalled when they fell asleep, but when they awoke, they both smiled, still wrapped in each other’s arms.