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Sorry this release took longer than average. Life was full, and this was one of the hardest things I've written to date. I hope it's not too much of a bore. I really have no idea if anyone will find parts of it interesting but me, but no way to tell without putting it out there. If it's not your cup of tea, the next release should be a change of pace. 😺\n\nI do also feel compelled to say that this is not intended to accuse any people of faith of being monsters. I don't usually disclose what parts of me I put into this story, but when it came time to write Priest's loss of faith I had one source to draw from, and that was my own history. There is a lot of that in here. Not identical, of course. It's just an echo, but one grounded in experience. While I feel there are reasonable questions mixed in with the fun, angsty drama, there is no hatred for anyone who finds solace in their belief, as long as they do not use it to promote hatred in return. I just wanted to make that clear.\n\nOn a brighter note, I had a ton of fun with the images on this one (except for that damn pistol! I'm never making a gun into a plot point ever again. 😸) Peeking into Cherry's imagination was a delight, and I hope to have an excuse to do so again.","description_bbcode_parsed":"Whew! Sorry this release took longer than average. Life was full, and this was one of the hardest things I've written to date. I hope it's not too much of a bore. I really have no idea if anyone will find parts of it interesting but me, but no way to tell without putting it out there. If it's not your cup of tea, the next release should be a change of pace. 😺
I do also feel compelled to say that this is not intended to accuse any people of faith of being monsters. I don't usually disclose what parts of me I put into this story, but when it came time to write Priest's loss of faith I had one source to draw from, and that was my own history. There is a lot of that in here. Not identical, of course. It's just an echo, but one grounded in experience. While I feel there are reasonable questions mixed in with the fun, angsty drama, there is no hatred for anyone who finds solace in their belief, as long as they do not use it to promote hatred in return. I just wanted to make that clear.
On a brighter note, I had a ton of fun with the images on this one (except for that damn pistol! I'm never making a gun into a plot point ever again. 😸) Peeking into Cherry's imagination was a delight, and I hope to have an excuse to do so again.","writing":"Plates of chocolate cake pass around the table. You can't remember the last time you had a slice; birthdays kinda stopped being a thing after Sis wasn't around any more. The first bite is heavenly—fluffy, rich, dark, just the right blend of sweet and bitter. You let out an involuntary hum of satisfaction that makes Sis grin.\n\n\"Good, isn't it? We've got some great furs down in the kitchen. A lot gets made by the cubs though. They get points and free food if they help out on a shift. The real reason for that is getting them some experience in feeding themselves and working together, though the kitchen probably couldn't keep up without them. A lot of cubs who come here don't get square meals.\"\n\nPriest nods as he finishes a bite. \"I spent some time working in a soup kitchen. Seeing how much work it takes to keep even a few hungry furs fed is humbling.\"\n\n\"That where you started? In a soup kitchen? I don't really know how advancement works in the church.\"\n\n\"Ah, no, though it wouldn't be a bad idea for every aspirant to spend some time there. I went to seminary before my appointment as a priest, though I'm not sure if that's where I'd say I started either. I started like Miss Cottontail here, just a cub who found something they needed in the church.\n\n\"Something that surprised me after becoming a priest was how much variety there is in what furs get out of their beliefs. For some, it's comfort against the fear of death. For others, it's that everything happens for a reason, even after awful, unexplainable things happen. I'm curious, what does your belief do for you, Miss Cottontail?\"\n\nYou sneak a peek in Cotton's direction and catch some cute smudges of chocolate around her lips before she wipes them away. Her nose scrunches as she considers Priests' question.\n\n\"Um, I'm not sure... I haven't really thought about it. I guess because... I like being good? It feels good to help other furs. Oh, and because I don't want to make momma or poppa sad, or hurt anyfur.\"\n\n\"All excellent, noble reasons. Making the world a better place is why the church should exist.\"\n\nYou snort and roll your eyes before you really think it through. Priest smiles at you softly.\n\n\"I see that your experience with the church has left you with a different impression. Would you mind if I took a guess as to why? Could it be that you feel it's judgemental and cold? Maybe disconnected from reality?\"\n\nYou shrug and nod. Sounds close enough, and you didn't really mean to butt in.\n\n\"That's a common reaction, and there may even be some truth to it, I'm afraid. But I'm wandering off topic. You asked me why I no longer believe, Miss Cottontail, and Miss Sapphire wants me to address the problem of your faith and your love standing in conflict with one another.\n\n\"I'm still not sure if I can help with that. Like I said, I have more questions than answers these days, but I'll try. At the very least I can tell you the story of why I no longer believe, and maybe along the way you'll find something that helps with your conflict. My story also involves faith and love that stand against each other, though not quite in the same way.\"\n\nYou catch some movement out of the corner of your eye as Cottontail settles into a crosslegged position in her chair. It makes you want to slouch, just to say you're bored, and push back against giving the guy any authority. On the off chance he might help Cotton instead of hurt her though, you decide against it. For now.\n\n\"This was about, oh, ten or twelve years ago, I suppose. I was still in seminary at the time, working at the church where I served as a deacon. It was late, long after I assumed every other fur should have gone home, and I was frustrated. Some piece of my studies was eluding me. I can't remember the details now. Doesn't really matter, I suppose. What does matter is that I decided to take a stroll through the building, hoping that if I let my feet wander my mind would follow, and maybe I'd stumble across the answer I was looking for.\n\n\"As I walked the darkened halls, trying not to think too hard about anything at all, I started to hear what sounded like other furs. Curious, and hoping for some smalltalk with my fellow clergy, I followed the sounds to the back rooms. I moved quietly, enjoying the the peaceful stillness, until I found myself among the offices. It didn't take long before I no longer felt peaceful or still.\n\n\"It had become clear as I approached that some of what I was hearing was a young cub crying. As I stood there, feeling slightly guilty for accidentally intruding on some sort of private emotional moment, it became clear that it wasn't just crying, and it wasn't just a cub.\n\n\"Normally I wouldn't disclose these details to furs as young as you two, but given the circumstances it seems like it won't come as a surprise. As I stood before a closed office door I realized that a cub and an adult were engaged in... sexual congress.\n\n\"I wasn't sure what to do at first. It wasn't a situation I ever expected to find myself in, and I was rather unprepared for it. Eventually it became obvious that I couldn't stand there doing nothing, so I tried the doorknob, as quietly as I could.\n\n\"It was locked, of course, but I'd left my keys in a room a few times, and the janitor had shown me a trick. The building was quite old; nothing lined up any more, and the doors were all paw-made affairs. If you pushed a credit card into the gap between the jam and the door you could quite easily pop most of the latches open. So, after another moment's hesitation, I did just that.\n\n\"Inside I found a fellow deacon and one of the alter boys. I don't remember what any of us said. I'm sure it was a lot of nonsense and bluster. Of course there isn't really any recovering from being discovered like that, so the young boy gathered his effects and left the office with me while the deacon remained.\n\n\"I drove the boy home after he had a chance to dress and clean up a bit. His mother worked second shift, and his father wasn't part of his life any more, so no adult was home for me to speak with. After making sure the boy would be okay and admonishing him not to come back to church until we could talk with his mother, I left.\n\n\"I didn't sleep at all that night. The next morning I returned to the church to speak with the priest about what I'd witnessed. He assured me he'd deal with the situation, and after that I never saw the deacon again. It didn't seem appropriate to ask what had happened to him, so I let the matter rest, at least officially.\n\n\"The event left me shaken, however, and I began to notice things that I had previously dismissed. Cubs would behave oddly around certain members of the clergy, members disappeared and reappeared along with cubs, suspicious smells, that sort of thing. I told myself that it was paranoia, the devil attacking my faith, but I couldn't quite ignore it either. I continued to bring these suspicions to the priest's attention. He assured me that he would investigate, but nothing ever came of it and my suspicions only deepened.\n\n\"To make a long story short, I eventually discovered that the corruption extended all the way to the bishop of our parish. I worked with a priest from a neighboring parish to uncover the whole affair, which kicked off investigations into this sort of abuse across churches everywhere. It became one of the biggest scandals to rock the church in recent memory.\n\n\"For a while my faith was reaffirmed. Yes, it's true that members of the clergy had wandered far from their duties, but we had rooted out the evil from within our midst and triumphed over it.\n\n\"Since the position of priest of my church was now vacant, and for playing my part in exposing these crimes, I was ordained as the replacement once I completed my studies. Counseling the many furs impacted by the atrocities they had experienced became the primary focus of my work. I spoke to the cubs who had been abused, the former clergy who were now behind bars, their families, eventually I was even invited to speak to the Pope about it, which was a rather surreal experience.\n\n\"As time went on, however, cracks in my faith started to spread. As I spoke to the cubs who had been abused, a few of them asked hard questions that I didn't have answers to. Many were young boys, and I needed to address not only their abuse but also questions regarding homosexuality.\"\n\nEveryone has been quiet, letting Priest tell his story with just the occasional nod or sympathetic hum, but you can tell Cotton's interest is especially piqued now, all focus and curiosity.\n\n\"I remember one boy in particular. He was a dedicated student with a voracious mind. He had a habit of responding to all my statements with the most basic of all questions: [i]why?[/i] and [i]how?[/i]\n\n\"At first the answers were easy. Why is homosexuality wrong? Because the Bible clearly states that it is a sin. Why is it a sin? Well, that one is a little harder. It doesn't follow God's plan. How? Well, because God built males and females to compliment each other. If we break that plan the relationship won't be healthy. How? Well that's when my answers began to get less satisfactory.\n\n\"I told him it was because males were built to lead and females were built to nurture, but even as I spoke the words they tasted sour. The boy kept pressing for examples of what was wrong for different genders. Was it wrong for a father to express his love for his cubs? Of course not, as long as it isn't sexual. What's an example of nonsexual nurturing that a father shouldn't perform? I had no answer to that question.\n\n\"Why can't women lead? Well, because their punishment for eating the apple in the garden of Eden was to be subservient to men. Wasn't it the punishment of men to labor in the field by the sweat of their brow? Yes, it was. Does that make machinery that eases work sinful? Well, no. Then why should men be allowed to ease their punishment and women shouldn't? I had no answer to that question either.\n\n\"What's an example of an unhealthy relationship between two men or two women? Well, if two men both try to take the lead they will fight all the time. Doesn't that happen between men and women anyway? Well, yes. What if the man is wrong and it hurts the family, isn't it good to stand up against that? It is. Can't two furs just work together? Why does one have to be the leader? I didn't know.\n\n\"What about two women? Double the nurturing doesn't sound all that bad. No, it really doesn't. What about if two women or two men are paired where one is assertive and the other nurturing? Doesn't that follow the plan anyway?\n\n\"The longer we talked the more I felt I should be listening rather than speaking. I thought about that conversation for a long, long time. I still do, honestly. It led me to one conclusion: if I was to have any hope of helping these boys deal with what had happened to them, I needed a fundamental understanding of real love and the proper roles of fathers, mothers, and cubs.\n\n\"So, I began my study. I felt a good place to start would be God's love for us. We are described as the bride of Christ, as well God's cubs in many passages. Surely we should find perfect examples of what these relationships should look like in these verses.\n\n\"I'll try not bore you with the theology, but after a lot of study and prayer, a conflict arose that I did not anticipate. Instead of finding deep truths about love in God's actions that I could use as examples, I just uncovered harder and harder questions about how God loves us at all.\n\n\"Eventually my questions came to hinge on a single passage. Jesus is speaking to a group of furs and presents them with a parable, as he often did. He asks if their cubs request a loaf of bread, would we provide a stone instead? If they ask for a fish, do we give a snake? Of course not. If we understand love that well then we should expect God to understand it much more perfectly, because he loves us like a father loves his cubs.\n\n\"This seems like the ideal passage to come to a greater understanding of love. Yet, instead, it mystifies it further. If you begin to examine God's actions as an example of how a loving father should treat his cubs, everything falls apart. This was around Easter, so the natural example of God's love that came to mind was Christ's sacrifice. What better example could there be than the very core of our beliefs?\"\n\nCotton speaks quietly, quoting, apparently. \"Greater love has no fur than this, that they lay down their life for their friends.\"\n\n\"Precisely. I'm sure you've heard that many times. But, when you look beyond the sacrifice and start to examine the requirement of faith, the example becomes twisted. Without faith the sacrifice cannot save. You must believe. That's a fundamental tenet that I'm sure you also know.\n\n\"Let me present a little parable of my own, if you'll humor me. If you were a father and your cub was walking blindfolded towards a cliff, would you stop them? Of course. You would do everything to prevent that. You would shout at the top of your lungs, physically grab them, and remove the blindfold to show them the danger.\n\n\"On the surface, this looks like what Christ did. The sacrifice is dramatic, and deep. Yet, add in the requirement of faith, especially for the thousands of years before and after Christ's death, and it stops making sense. Instead of a clear revelation of the cliff, today we have wandering cubs who have never seen their father nor heard him speak, surrounded by other cubs, all making claims that different furs were the father, or heard the father, or if there's a father or cliff at all.\n\n\"All these factions say that the others are lying. No one can seem to remove their own blindfold, or even determine if sight is real. Some claim they have seen the cliff or the father, but can't prove it.\n\n\"Meanwhile, even if we believe the cubs that make up the church, we must accept a father standing silently on the sidelines, choosing not to speak to us. The cubs claim that he has done so a pawful of times in all of recorded history, which, even if true, seems entirely insufficient. Even worse, this father is the designer of the system that leaves us blind so we cannot see the cliff, and he accepts that most of us will tumble over simply because we believed the wrong group of furs when they spoke about cliffs and fathers.\n\n\"If we accept that God built the universe and is all-powerful, then we must conclude that he could have given us senses to perceive heaven and hell, but he did not. He could have given us personal, irrefutable experiences with these things, but he did not. He could reach down at any moment and whisper even a single word to each of us to let us know that he exists, and he does not.\n\n\"This is an old problem that many have pointed out, but the argument is often presented in scarecrow fashion inside the church. It is oversimplified to make knocking it down much easier.\n\n\"The church frames this as a matter of choice, that God respects our free will so much that he gives us the choice to save ourselves or not. All we have to do is choose Christ to avoid the cliff—to avoid hell. Why faith is necessary in this choice is never discussed in the context of this argument, because requiring choice while withholding the facts needed to make an [i]informed[/i] decision is not a choice at all, and they know it. Admitting to these problems shatters the foundation of our entire belief system.\n\n\"Let me give one final example. If there were two pistols on the table here, one loaded, one unloaded, and I let you choose which one I would point at your head and fire, is your choice enhanced by not knowing which is which? Have I improved your ability to choose death by hiding which choice will kill you? Is it enough to have told a few furs in the crowd which gun is loaded, and let them argue about which gun to choose? Of course not. I have simply removed your ability to make any sort of meaningful choice at all.\n\n\"This is not an example of love that we can learn from or imitate. It suggests two possibilities: true love is completely unknowable and we have but a pale imitation, or the entire fundament of our belief is based on a lie.\n\n\"I'm presenting a slightly simplified version of this argument. We'd be here for weeks if we explored every facet and counter-argument, but this is the core of it. It is all a lie, or God is less like a father and more like Cthulu—driven by some higher form of love beyond our comprehension, and that looks nothing like our love. We cannot live by his example, only blindly obey his commands. We can say he loves us, but never know what that actually means.\n\n\"Blindly accepting authority and a statement of love was disturbingly similar to how the cubs of my church had been manipulated. In both cases the cub is given no ability to understand if the love is real. They are simply told they must accept that the actions pushed on them are those of love. If they refuse, they are threatened with dire punishment. If they accept, they are promised unimaginable pleasure. All of this is presented in the guise of a choice, but leaves them without the ability to choose at all. This is not love. This is grooming, followed by rape.\n\n\"As you can imagine, I found this deeply disturbing. I had always loved the mystery of the secret war I had chosen to be a part of, fighting for good against evil in a grand struggle spanning all of history, but the joy was in uncovering the mystery, not the mystery itself. Without an ability to understand and imitate God as the ultimate example of good, then one also cannot understand good or evil within the context of our religion, the war loses all meaning, and I lost all purpose.\n\n\"For a while I simply continued on momentum, like a cartoon character who has walked off a cliff but not yet begun to fall. But, eventually, I could no longer ignore the problem, nor could I solve it in a way that allowed me to retain my faith. So, I spoke to my Bishop and attempted to resign. He convinced me to take sabbatical instead, though the effect was the same.\n\n\"I spent a long time feeling lost after that. I took odd jobs to pay the bills, most rather humble since I had no real-world experience outside the church. That gave me a perspective on furs that I had lacked while I was a priest. By admitting I no longer had the answers, I was able to understand others' viewpoints without pre-judging them. It was... eye opening.\n\n\"While I still don't have many answers, I have come to at least one conclusion: it is better to believe that love can be understood than to accept that it is unknowable, because love is the foundation of everything good in this world. Without it, we are lost.\"\n\nThe table is silent for a bit, Priest's story apparently over. Cotton has that blank expression that says there's something filling her brain and she's not actually seeing the real world. You're surprised to find something new in your own head. It feels important. You can't quite wrap your paws around it, but after some thought you at least realize the question you want to ask.\n\n\"So did you figure out what love really is?\"\n\nPriest smiles. \"I'm glad that's the question you asked. It means you were paying attention to the important parts of the story.\" He purses his lips for just a moment before he continues, hesitatingly.\n\n\"Some. I'm not sure if I've captured all of it. I've thought about it for a long time. It's a hard question, because there are so many kinds of love and ways of expressing it. I do think I've found two qualities that every kind of love shares, however. I can't tell you that this fully captures it, but I do believe this is at its heart.\n\n\"I've actually given some of it away in my two little parables. In the first, with the father who wants to save his cub from the cliff, we have to ask why he wants to prevent their fall. It's clearly motivated by love. If the father doesn't care enough to stop the tragedy from happening it's obvious that he doesn't love the cub. But why does he do it? What motivates him to respond, not just to prevent the tumble over the edge, but to act with haste and expend every available option?\n\n\"For a time I thought it was just a feeling that we couldn't further explain. The father loves his cub. He feels it, and that feeling compels him to act. I wasn't fully satisfied with that explanation however, because feelings are fickle. We've all had moments where we caused our parents exasperation. Does that mean that in that moment they stop loving us, because they feel something different? That doesn't seem right.\n\n\"Eventually I settled on a slightly better explanation. Love is when you expand the borders of yourself to include another. It's when somefur matters to you as much as you matter to yourself. When they hurt, you hurt. When they experience joy, so do you. Their victories are your victories, their struggles your struggles. The feelings are the result of this expansion—the effect rather than the cause.\n\n\"There are times when we don't have strong positive emotions about ourselves, but we still make choices that we believe will accomplish our goals and avoid problems, to better ourselves and our situation. When we love a fur we make choices for their benefit, even when it is not motivated by feelings.\n\n\"However, if we stop here we leave the idea of love open to a certain kind of distortion: where one party dominates and controls the other. If we believe something is beneficial for another and they disagree, is it love to force them into it? This doesn't seem right either. Maybe you see where this is going, given my second parable? The one with the two pistols?\"\n\nCotton replies before you have a chance. \"They need to choose, right?\"\n\n\"Correct. Without choice there can be no love. Love does not force itself on another, it does not manipulate, exploit, deceive, or control. It asks. It invites. It offers, and it [i]informs[/i], because without all the required information there cannot be a choice at all. And, once a true choice has been made, love respects that choice.\n\n\"Different kinds of love add to this core, change how it is expressed, or accounts for differences in ability to make informed choices, but they must all include these two aspects.\n\n\"Coming to this conclusion leads me to believe that there is nothing that prevents two girls from loving each other, or two boys. You can argue that homosexuality isn't beneficial for other reasons, if you wish. I don't give these arguments much credence. What you cannot argue is that it is not love, and as long as a relationship is based on love, true love that does not exploit or control, then I can find no serious fault in it.\n\n\"Likewise, I cannot rectify this understanding of love with the actions of a loving God. It fails on both counts, and so I must conclude that something in the belief itself must be false. I don't know if you will find any comfort in that fact, Cottontail. Is it a relief to realize you will avoid hell because it doesn't exist, or is it terrifying to realize that heaven was never an option, and there is no one to look out for us but each other?\n\n\"I have felt both joy and pain in response to my own loss of faith. I don't know which will be greater for you, or even if you should accept my conclusions. Maybe I'm wrong. I have been wrong before. All I can tell you is that I believe that love, pure and untainted, in all its expressions, is important. It's possibly the most important thing in all of life.\n\n\"So, if you love Cherry, truly love her, and she loves you, then the fact you are both girls doesn't matter. Take some comfort in that, even if it means that you must now struggle with some new questions.\"\n\nYou can feel the edges of an answer to your own question in what Priest is saying, but something more important is distracting you. Cotton's brow is furrowed, and you don't like it at all. Where is that peace you saw earlier? Isn't this a win? At least a little bit? After saying she'd go to hell for you, why isn't this better? Priest seems to notice Cotton's expression too.\n\n\"I'm sorry I don't have better answers for you. Is there anything you'd like to ask? I feel like I've done far too much talking.\"\n\nCotton shifts in her seat uncomfortably. \"No, thank you. I think... I just need to think about all of that, if that's okay.\"\n\n\"More than okay. I felt the same way. Take some time to let it settle in. I do have a recommendation, however.\"\n\nPriest pauses long enough to make Cotton look up from the tabletop where her gaze had settled. He looks sad.\n\n\"Keep friends and family close to you while you come to terms with this, ones who know what's on your mind, and who love you. Talk to them. I tried to shoulder this alone, and it led to a very dark and hopeless place. Don't make my mistake.\"\n\nYou take Cotton's paw under the table, which seems to surprise you both. For a split second you wonder if it was the right thing to do. You've fucked up so much tonight. When Cotton looks at you with her big brown eyes and squeezes back, you're sure, and it feels good.\n\nSis quaffs the dregs of her wine and sets the glass on the table with a satisfied sigh. \"Don't think any of us can follow up an act like that one, and it covers everything I wanted to know. Fire, J, any questions, or are you ready to vote?\"\n\nYou'd nearly forgotten the whole reason you were here. J clears his throat and fixes you with a thoughtful look. You hope Cotton can't feel your heart pounding through your paw.\n\n\"Don't think I've got anything left to ask. Guess I'll start with you, Cherry. It's pretty clear you're a troublemaker, and part of my job is to watch out for furs like you. You pushed right up against the edge of the rules on multiple occasions.\n\n\"That said, looking out for troublemakers goes two ways. I've got as much responsibility for the troublemaker as I do the rest of these furs, and I think you're our kind of trouble. I don't think you'll hurt any fur, and I'm trusting you to respect their boundaries, despite dancing right on the edge sometimes. Don't prove me wrong.\"\n\nYou nod and swear not to. You even mean it, which is a little surprising. It seems reasonable, as far as rules go. Sis jumps in next.\n\n\"I'm not going to vote, for the same reason I stayed out of your tests at first. This place is home to me, and I want it to be yours too, but it's yours because you [i]belong[/i] here. I don't want you to ever feel like you got in just because your big sister pulled some strings. I hope that makes sense.\"\n\nDammit, she's going to get you all choked up again. You can't get all weepy and still manage to maintain your cool in front of Cotton, so you just nod. Thankfully Sapphire takes her turn before you have to say anything else.\n\n\"I agree with J and Wire. I think this place will be good for you and you will be good for it, especially with Cottontail keeping you pointed in the right direction. I guess that gives away my vote about you too, Cotton.\n\n\"I know you bent some rules with Cherry on the floor, but I can't imagine you doing something like that in any other circumstance. Our rules exist to protect everyfur, and I'm confidant you will learn from this experience. I can't see you as a danger to other furs. Just make sure your head keeps up with your heart and your heat, okay? If you ever need somefur to talk to about any of that, I'll be here for you.\"\n\nCotton squeaks out a thanks while J nods in agreement. \"Yeah, can't blame you too much for your stunt when I was the one who was supposed to be watching you. If you'd explained it I probably would have given you the key, and that was your worst offense.\n\n\"Maybe you could have done what you did in a way that followed the rules a little better, maybe not. Either way, I understand your motivations, they were in line with the spirit of the rules, and that's important. We don't have to enforce the rules blindly. I've seen too much of that. Wire's right. This is a home, and I say you belong. I'll just have to remember you can be a sneaky little bun when you want to be.\"\n\nCotton blushes and ducks her head with an apologetic look while Sis smirks.\n\n\"Guess that just leaves me. I almost want to bow out for the same reason I didn't vote on Cherry. Not like I can be objective in your case, when you clearly mean a lot to my little sister.\n\n\"I think what makes it different is this doesn't seem like a place you'd normally stumble into without a little help, and I want you to know that you're welcome here. It feels right to make that official with a vote. You belong. Besides, gotta start things off on the right paw with my future sister in law, right?\"\n\nYou can feel the heat rush to your face. Cotton glances at you at the same time you try to sneak a peek at her, which causes you both to quickly look away. Sis cackles. Jackass.\n\n\"That just leaves our raccoon theologian. Your take, J?\"\n\n\"I had my doubts. No offense, but but adults are always much harder to figure out than cubs. We're too practiced with lies. I don't think you're the threat I was worried about though.\n\n\"Dunno what you'll do with the cards we've put on the table, and that's more risk than I like. Normally voting you in would mean we trust you not to rat. Don't have a clue what you'll do about that, but we're past the point of making that call.\n\n\"What [i]is[/i] clear is that we're on the same page about the safety and importance of these cubs. That's the only thing left to vote on, and I don't have any doubts on that point. Your story lines up with what we knew before inviting you down.\n\n\"Didn't have the whole thing, of course. Turning your whole life inside-out because God himself doesn't live up to your standards? That's new, but still lines up with established facts. Pretty sure it also makes you a front-runner for most trustworthy fur in the building, when it comes to the cubs. So, I vote yes. Fire?\"\n\n\"I also vote yes. I wasn't too sure after our session together. I'm still curious about some of that, but I also don't think the way we were doing things was working.\n\n\"I'm worried too, about what you'll decide to do with what you know, especially since telling you all this now was mostly my idea. You might be a danger to the club, and that makes me feel sick, but J is right. You're no danger to the cubs, and that's what we're really voting on now.\"\n\nSis leans forward, elbows on the table, digits intertwined.\n\n\"Back around to me, then. I second everything J and Fire said, except being worried about what you'll do. The fact I can't predict your response isn't something that concerns me.\n\n\"As long as I can trust you to think things through, top to bottom, without jumping to conclusions, that's all that matters to me for the vote. I believe your story, and it tells me you aren't afraid to ask hard questions or make harder choices. You do what's right, and are willing to admit you're wrong. That's everything I was hoping for and more. So, I vote yes.\n\n\"That said, pretty sure you'll want to see the rest of this place before [i]you[/i] decide to accept, and that's fair. This is your decision too, and I'm sure you have more questions.\"\n\n\"That's quite an understatement.\"\n\nSis chuckles. \"I'm sure. I'll let J give you the nickle tour and then I'll catch up. For now, I think Sapphire and I have two new junior members to get settled in.\"\n\nJ reaches into his pocket as he stands, tossing a key to Sis. \"Sounds like you'll need this then. Welcome to The Club, you two. Don't be strangers.\"\n\nThe rest of the table follows J's lead and starts to clean up. God, you've been sitting so long your butt is half asleep. You limp on a prickly foot, helping to pile plates onto the cart as small talk and jokes start to bounce around. Before you know it you're making awkward parting remarks as J and Priest head down towards the first floor.\n\nCotton's expression still says she's all tangled up inside though, and it makes your chest hurt. You wish you knew what to say to fix it. You slip your paw back into hers as you follow Sis and Sapphire out to the second floor of the main room, overlooking the first. The mood seems to have slowed down a bit. Fewer furs are bouncing around on the dance floor, and more are clustered around the bar and lounge. Even the music is lower and slower.\n\nSis and Sapphire seem to be conspiring about something up ahead as you walk, muttering in low tones. Sis occasionally glances over her shoulder to grin at you, and you almost let go of Cotton's paw the first time, like you'd gotten caught sneaking snacks out of the pantry or something.\n\nThis thing between you and Cotton is going to take some getting used to. You're not even really sure what it [i]is[/i]. You came here tonight expecting to have a little fun with your best friend, but never expected it to be, y'know, [i]with[/i] her...\n\nAnd maybe that's all this is? Is that what Cotton wants? You're still not sure how to fit this new Cotton into your picture of the old one, but you're pretty sure she wants something more than just a little bump and grind. Right?\n\nAnd what about you? Is that what you want? Just have some stupid, sexy fun? Bang and then go do something or someone else? You suppress a shudder. No. That feels gross, for some reason. Cotton isn't some dumb guy you can raise your tail at and then forget about. The idea of... [i]using[/i] her like that actually makes you angry. You're not sure what that means though. If you're not just friends, and you're not just fucking, then what are you? Are you... are you Cotton's girlfriend?\n\nThat feels really weird. You've never really considered yourself girlfriend material. Not like you're going to let some stupid jerk turn you into a prize to show off to all his stupid jerk friends. You'd rather die than become some sort of brain-dead arm candy, all giggles and pink and frills and shit. No. Nuh-uh. Not happening.\n\nAn image of you and Cotton as wife and... wife flashes through your head, slaving away over housework together, a dozen adorable cubs packed into a little house in the middle of nowhere, every day the same as the last. There you rot, a domesticated soccer mom, except in all the ways no one will let you be, just because you don't belong to a pot-bellied, ass-scratching dude. That feels even more confusing. It's not [i]completely[/i] terrible, surprisingly, but still a lot of nope.\n\nYou're so distracted that you nearly walk straight into Sapphire's back. Apparently you've arrived at wherever you are going. Sis kneels to get down to Cotton's eye level, that smirk still plastered on her muzzle.\n\n\"Okay you two, Fire and I think you've had more than enough of other furs butting in tonight. You've gotten the full show. Normally we'd go a little slower and keep a close eye on you for a few more nights, just to make totally sure neither of you will take advantage of each other, but I've got the benefit of being Cherry's older sister. I might have missed a few years, and that's something I'll always regret, but she's still the same little shit I love under all that slick new fur dye.\"\n\nYou roll your eyes and grunt dramatically. Maybe becoming a member of a secret sex club where your sister works wasn't such a hot idea. Sis just sticks her tongue out at you before continuing.\n\n\"And while I do want to get to know you better, Cotton, this thing between you and Cherry obviously isn't a brand new idea that came to you an hour ago. Might've been news to my sister, but that's not surprising. I don't know if you've noticed, but she's not the brightest crayon in the shed. Gotta spell things out with small, simple words for her sometimes.\"\n\nCotton smiles her tiny little smile while you contemplate exactly how to enact perfect, sisterly vengeance. Sis takes Cotton's free paw and holds it palm up before covering it with her own.\n\n\"What I'm trying to say is that I'm the closest thing to real, blood family that Cherry has left. I'm trusting you with her, and I know I can trust her with you.\"\n\nSis takes your free paw and puts it in Cotton's before backing away. You feel something lumpy and metallic between your paw and Cotton's, and after a second you realize it's the key to the collar you're wearing. God, that was so incredibly cheesy and smooth. Sapphire kneels down on the opposite side from Sis, which gives you an excuse to drop Cotton's empty paw. You're warming up to the idea of holding one paw, but two feels like something out of a bad romance movie.\n\n\"I'm so glad you both made it. I was chewing my claws all night, scared something would go wrong and we'd lose one or both of you. She may be all cool and collected on the outside, but Wire was worried sick too. You should have seen her the night we finally found you, Cherry. She was pacing, laughing, crying—\"\n\n\"Hey now, that's confidential club business.\"\n\nSapphire smiles warmly. \"Oh, hush. Don't dish it out if you can't take it. And I know we just met tonight, Cottontail, but I can't help but worry over furs struggling with the things you are. We don't provide enough support out in the rest of the world for this, and you're so sweet and kind. You deserve better.\n\n\"It will take time for you to figure out yourselves and each other. That's normal and okay, as long as you remember to respect your boundaries. Talk it through, listen, be patient with each other, and move at a pace you're both comfortable with. If you need help figuring any of that out you can always come talk to me, or J, or Wire any time. Okay?\"\n\nCotton nods, letting go of your paw and the key to give Sapphire a hug, which she tearfully returns. The moment lingers before Sis clears her throat to deliver a playfully stilted line, like she's reading off a script.\n\n\"Boy, it sure is late. You two should relax for a while and unwind. Oh look! This room is free. Here, it's on the house.\"\n\nSis unlocks a door and pushes it open. Cotton lets go of Sapphire to peer into the darkened room before Sis sweeps up behind you both and gently urges you inside. She steps back into the doorway with an expression you almost don't recognize, a sort of melancholy happiness that looks out of place on her face. Something about it seems weirdly familiar, though. A snippet of a memory slips past, and for just a moment she reminds you of Mom. Then the smirk is back and the memory dances away as Sis closes the door.\n\n\"Have fun!\"\n\nThe door clicks closed and you and Cotton fumble around in the dark before you find the lightswitch and flick it on.\n\nOh god, now you get the final smirk. The room is cozy, plushly carpeted and softly lit, dominated by a large bed piled high with pillows. If that was all you might have been able to salvage some sort of dignity, but the collection of sex toys, lube, and condoms takes that idea down an alley and pummels it into a thin paste. Cotton glances at you, her cheeks and ears getting close to matching your fur dye. You sigh and hang your head.\n\n\"I'm so going to kill her.\"","writing_bbcode_parsed":"Plates of chocolate cake pass around the table. You can't remember the last time you had a slice; birthdays kinda stopped being a thing after Sis wasn't around any more. The first bite is heavenly—fluffy, rich, dark, just the right blend of sweet and bitter. You let out an involuntary hum of satisfaction that makes Sis grin.
"Good, isn't it? We've got some great furs down in the kitchen. A lot gets made by the cubs though. They get points and free food if they help out on a shift. The real reason for that is getting them some experience in feeding themselves and working together, though the kitchen probably couldn't keep up without them. A lot of cubs who come here don't get square meals."
Priest nods as he finishes a bite. "I spent some time working in a soup kitchen. Seeing how much work it takes to keep even a few hungry furs fed is humbling."
"That where you started? In a soup kitchen? I don't really know how advancement works in the church."
"Ah, no, though it wouldn't be a bad idea for every aspirant to spend some time there. I went to seminary before my appointment as a priest, though I'm not sure if that's where I'd say I started either. I started like Miss Cottontail here, just a cub who found something they needed in the church.
"Something that surprised me after becoming a priest was how much variety there is in what furs get out of their beliefs. For some, it's comfort against the fear of death. For others, it's that everything happens for a reason, even after awful, unexplainable things happen. I'm curious, what does your belief do for you, Miss Cottontail?"
You sneak a peek in Cotton's direction and catch some cute smudges of chocolate around her lips before she wipes them away. Her nose scrunches as she considers Priests' question.
"Um, I'm not sure... I haven't really thought about it. I guess because... I like being good? It feels good to help other furs. Oh, and because I don't want to make momma or poppa sad, or hurt anyfur."
"All excellent, noble reasons. Making the world a better place is why the church should exist."
You snort and roll your eyes before you really think it through. Priest smiles at you softly.
"I see that your experience with the church has left you with a different impression. Would you mind if I took a guess as to why? Could it be that you feel it's judgemental and cold? Maybe disconnected from reality?"
You shrug and nod. Sounds close enough, and you didn't really mean to butt in.
"That's a common reaction, and there may even be some truth to it, I'm afraid. But I'm wandering off topic. You asked me why I no longer believe, Miss Cottontail, and Miss Sapphire wants me to address the problem of your faith and your love standing in conflict with one another.
"I'm still not sure if I can help with that. Like I said, I have more questions than answers these days, but I'll try. At the very least I can tell you the story of why I no longer believe, and maybe along the way you'll find something that helps with your conflict. My story also involves faith and love that stand against each other, though not quite in the same way."
You catch some movement out of the corner of your eye as Cottontail settles into a crosslegged position in her chair. It makes you want to slouch, just to say you're bored, and push back against giving the guy any authority. On the off chance he might help Cotton instead of hurt her though, you decide against it. For now.
"This was about, oh, ten or twelve years ago, I suppose. I was still in seminary at the time, working at the church where I served as a deacon. It was late, long after I assumed every other fur should have gone home, and I was frustrated. Some piece of my studies was eluding me. I can't remember the details now. Doesn't really matter, I suppose. What does matter is that I decided to take a stroll through the building, hoping that if I let my feet wander my mind would follow, and maybe I'd stumble across the answer I was looking for.
"As I walked the darkened halls, trying not to think too hard about anything at all, I started to hear what sounded like other furs. Curious, and hoping for some smalltalk with my fellow clergy, I followed the sounds to the back rooms. I moved quietly, enjoying the the peaceful stillness, until I found myself among the offices. It didn't take long before I no longer felt peaceful or still.
"It had become clear as I approached that some of what I was hearing was a young cub crying. As I stood there, feeling slightly guilty for accidentally intruding on some sort of private emotional moment, it became clear that it wasn't just crying, and it wasn't just a cub.
"Normally I wouldn't disclose these details to furs as young as you two, but given the circumstances it seems like it won't come as a surprise. As I stood before a closed office door I realized that a cub and an adult were engaged in... sexual congress.
"I wasn't sure what to do at first. It wasn't a situation I ever expected to find myself in, and I was rather unprepared for it. Eventually it became obvious that I couldn't stand there doing nothing, so I tried the doorknob, as quietly as I could.
"It was locked, of course, but I'd left my keys in a room a few times, and the janitor had shown me a trick. The building was quite old; nothing lined up any more, and the doors were all paw-made affairs. If you pushed a credit card into the gap between the jam and the door you could quite easily pop most of the latches open. So, after another moment's hesitation, I did just that.
"Inside I found a fellow deacon and one of the alter boys. I don't remember what any of us said. I'm sure it was a lot of nonsense and bluster. Of course there isn't really any recovering from being discovered like that, so the young boy gathered his effects and left the office with me while the deacon remained.
"I drove the boy home after he had a chance to dress and clean up a bit. His mother worked second shift, and his father wasn't part of his life any more, so no adult was home for me to speak with. After making sure the boy would be okay and admonishing him not to come back to church until we could talk with his mother, I left.
"I didn't sleep at all that night. The next morning I returned to the church to speak with the priest about what I'd witnessed. He assured me he'd deal with the situation, and after that I never saw the deacon again. It didn't seem appropriate to ask what had happened to him, so I let the matter rest, at least officially.
"The event left me shaken, however, and I began to notice things that I had previously dismissed. Cubs would behave oddly around certain members of the clergy, members disappeared and reappeared along with cubs, suspicious smells, that sort of thing. I told myself that it was paranoia, the devil attacking my faith, but I couldn't quite ignore it either. I continued to bring these suspicions to the priest's attention. He assured me that he would investigate, but nothing ever came of it and my suspicions only deepened.
"To make a long story short, I eventually discovered that the corruption extended all the way to the bishop of our parish. I worked with a priest from a neighboring parish to uncover the whole affair, which kicked off investigations into this sort of abuse across churches everywhere. It became one of the biggest scandals to rock the church in recent memory.
"For a while my faith was reaffirmed. Yes, it's true that members of the clergy had wandered far from their duties, but we had rooted out the evil from within our midst and triumphed over it.
"Since the position of priest of my church was now vacant, and for playing my part in exposing these crimes, I was ordained as the replacement once I completed my studies. Counseling the many furs impacted by the atrocities they had experienced became the primary focus of my work. I spoke to the cubs who had been abused, the former clergy who were now behind bars, their families, eventually I was even invited to speak to the Pope about it, which was a rather surreal experience.
"As time went on, however, cracks in my faith started to spread. As I spoke to the cubs who had been abused, a few of them asked hard questions that I didn't have answers to. Many were young boys, and I needed to address not only their abuse but also questions regarding homosexuality."
Everyone has been quiet, letting Priest tell his story with just the occasional nod or sympathetic hum, but you can tell Cotton's interest is especially piqued now, all focus and curiosity.
"I remember one boy in particular. He was a dedicated student with a voracious mind. He had a habit of responding to all my statements with the most basic of all questions: why? and how?
"At first the answers were easy. Why is homosexuality wrong? Because the Bible clearly states that it is a sin. Why is it a sin? Well, that one is a little harder. It doesn't follow God's plan. How? Well, because God built males and females to compliment each other. If we break that plan the relationship won't be healthy. How? Well that's when my answers began to get less satisfactory.
"I told him it was because males were built to lead and females were built to nurture, but even as I spoke the words they tasted sour. The boy kept pressing for examples of what was wrong for different genders. Was it wrong for a father to express his love for his cubs? Of course not, as long as it isn't sexual. What's an example of nonsexual nurturing that a father shouldn't perform? I had no answer to that question.
"Why can't women lead? Well, because their punishment for eating the apple in the garden of Eden was to be subservient to men. Wasn't it the punishment of men to labor in the field by the sweat of their brow? Yes, it was. Does that make machinery that eases work sinful? Well, no. Then why should men be allowed to ease their punishment and women shouldn't? I had no answer to that question either.
"What's an example of an unhealthy relationship between two men or two women? Well, if two men both try to take the lead they will fight all the time. Doesn't that happen between men and women anyway? Well, yes. What if the man is wrong and it hurts the family, isn't it good to stand up against that? It is. Can't two furs just work together? Why does one have to be the leader? I didn't know.
"What about two women? Double the nurturing doesn't sound all that bad. No, it really doesn't. What about if two women or two men are paired where one is assertive and the other nurturing? Doesn't that follow the plan anyway?
"The longer we talked the more I felt I should be listening rather than speaking. I thought about that conversation for a long, long time. I still do, honestly. It led me to one conclusion: if I was to have any hope of helping these boys deal with what had happened to them, I needed a fundamental understanding of real love and the proper roles of fathers, mothers, and cubs.
"So, I began my study. I felt a good place to start would be God's love for us. We are described as the bride of Christ, as well God's cubs in many passages. Surely we should find perfect examples of what these relationships should look like in these verses.
"I'll try not bore you with the theology, but after a lot of study and prayer, a conflict arose that I did not anticipate. Instead of finding deep truths about love in God's actions that I could use as examples, I just uncovered harder and harder questions about how God loves us at all.
"Eventually my questions came to hinge on a single passage. Jesus is speaking to a group of furs and presents them with a parable, as he often did. He asks if their cubs request a loaf of bread, would we provide a stone instead? If they ask for a fish, do we give a snake? Of course not. If we understand love that well then we should expect God to understand it much more perfectly, because he loves us like a father loves his cubs.
"This seems like the ideal passage to come to a greater understanding of love. Yet, instead, it mystifies it further. If you begin to examine God's actions as an example of how a loving father should treat his cubs, everything falls apart. This was around Easter, so the natural example of God's love that came to mind was Christ's sacrifice. What better example could there be than the very core of our beliefs?"
Cotton speaks quietly, quoting, apparently. "Greater love has no fur than this, that they lay down their life for their friends."
"Precisely. I'm sure you've heard that many times. But, when you look beyond the sacrifice and start to examine the requirement of faith, the example becomes twisted. Without faith the sacrifice cannot save. You must believe. That's a fundamental tenet that I'm sure you also know.
"Let me present a little parable of my own, if you'll humor me. If you were a father and your cub was walking blindfolded towards a cliff, would you stop them? Of course. You would do everything to prevent that. You would shout at the top of your lungs, physically grab them, and remove the blindfold to show them the danger.
"On the surface, this looks like what Christ did. The sacrifice is dramatic, and deep. Yet, add in the requirement of faith, especially for the thousands of years before and after Christ's death, and it stops making sense. Instead of a clear revelation of the cliff, today we have wandering cubs who have never seen their father nor heard him speak, surrounded by other cubs, all making claims that different furs were the father, or heard the father, or if there's a father or cliff at all.
"All these factions say that the others are lying. No one can seem to remove their own blindfold, or even determine if sight is real. Some claim they have seen the cliff or the father, but can't prove it.
"Meanwhile, even if we believe the cubs that make up the church, we must accept a father standing silently on the sidelines, choosing not to speak to us. The cubs claim that he has done so a pawful of times in all of recorded history, which, even if true, seems entirely insufficient. Even worse, this father is the designer of the system that leaves us blind so we cannot see the cliff, and he accepts that most of us will tumble over simply because we believed the wrong group of furs when they spoke about cliffs and fathers.
"If we accept that God built the universe and is all-powerful, then we must conclude that he could have given us senses to perceive heaven and hell, but he did not. He could have given us personal, irrefutable experiences with these things, but he did not. He could reach down at any moment and whisper even a single word to each of us to let us know that he exists, and he does not.
"This is an old problem that many have pointed out, but the argument is often presented in scarecrow fashion inside the church. It is oversimplified to make knocking it down much easier.
"The church frames this as a matter of choice, that God respects our free will so much that he gives us the choice to save ourselves or not. All we have to do is choose Christ to avoid the cliff—to avoid hell. Why faith is necessary in this choice is never discussed in the context of this argument, because requiring choice while withholding the facts needed to make an informed decision is not a choice at all, and they know it. Admitting to these problems shatters the foundation of our entire belief system.
"Let me give one final example. If there were two pistols on the table here, one loaded, one unloaded, and I let you choose which one I would point at your head and fire, is your choice enhanced by not knowing which is which? Have I improved your ability to choose death by hiding which choice will kill you? Is it enough to have told a few furs in the crowd which gun is loaded, and let them argue about which gun to choose? Of course not. I have simply removed your ability to make any sort of meaningful choice at all.
"This is not an example of love that we can learn from or imitate. It suggests two possibilities: true love is completely unknowable and we have but a pale imitation, or the entire fundament of our belief is based on a lie.
"I'm presenting a slightly simplified version of this argument. We'd be here for weeks if we explored every facet and counter-argument, but this is the core of it. It is all a lie, or God is less like a father and more like Cthulu—driven by some higher form of love beyond our comprehension, and that looks nothing like our love. We cannot live by his example, only blindly obey his commands. We can say he loves us, but never know what that actually means.
"Blindly accepting authority and a statement of love was disturbingly similar to how the cubs of my church had been manipulated. In both cases the cub is given no ability to understand if the love is real. They are simply told they must accept that the actions pushed on them are those of love. If they refuse, they are threatened with dire punishment. If they accept, they are promised unimaginable pleasure. All of this is presented in the guise of a choice, but leaves them without the ability to choose at all. This is not love. This is grooming, followed by rape.
"As you can imagine, I found this deeply disturbing. I had always loved the mystery of the secret war I had chosen to be a part of, fighting for good against evil in a grand struggle spanning all of history, but the joy was in uncovering the mystery, not the mystery itself. Without an ability to understand and imitate God as the ultimate example of good, then one also cannot understand good or evil within the context of our religion, the war loses all meaning, and I lost all purpose.
"For a while I simply continued on momentum, like a cartoon character who has walked off a cliff but not yet begun to fall. But, eventually, I could no longer ignore the problem, nor could I solve it in a way that allowed me to retain my faith. So, I spoke to my Bishop and attempted to resign. He convinced me to take sabbatical instead, though the effect was the same.
"I spent a long time feeling lost after that. I took odd jobs to pay the bills, most rather humble since I had no real-world experience outside the church. That gave me a perspective on furs that I had lacked while I was a priest. By admitting I no longer had the answers, I was able to understand others' viewpoints without pre-judging them. It was... eye opening.
"While I still don't have many answers, I have come to at least one conclusion: it is better to believe that love can be understood than to accept that it is unknowable, because love is the foundation of everything good in this world. Without it, we are lost."
The table is silent for a bit, Priest's story apparently over. Cotton has that blank expression that says there's something filling her brain and she's not actually seeing the real world. You're surprised to find something new in your own head. It feels important. You can't quite wrap your paws around it, but after some thought you at least realize the question you want to ask.
"So did you figure out what love really is?"
Priest smiles. "I'm glad that's the question you asked. It means you were paying attention to the important parts of the story." He purses his lips for just a moment before he continues, hesitatingly.
"Some. I'm not sure if I've captured all of it. I've thought about it for a long time. It's a hard question, because there are so many kinds of love and ways of expressing it. I do think I've found two qualities that every kind of love shares, however. I can't tell you that this fully captures it, but I do believe this is at its heart.
"I've actually given some of it away in my two little parables. In the first, with the father who wants to save his cub from the cliff, we have to ask why he wants to prevent their fall. It's clearly motivated by love. If the father doesn't care enough to stop the tragedy from happening it's obvious that he doesn't love the cub. But why does he do it? What motivates him to respond, not just to prevent the tumble over the edge, but to act with haste and expend every available option?
"For a time I thought it was just a feeling that we couldn't further explain. The father loves his cub. He feels it, and that feeling compels him to act. I wasn't fully satisfied with that explanation however, because feelings are fickle. We've all had moments where we caused our parents exasperation. Does that mean that in that moment they stop loving us, because they feel something different? That doesn't seem right.
"Eventually I settled on a slightly better explanation. Love is when you expand the borders of yourself to include another. It's when somefur matters to you as much as you matter to yourself. When they hurt, you hurt. When they experience joy, so do you. Their victories are your victories, their struggles your struggles. The feelings are the result of this expansion—the effect rather than the cause.
"There are times when we don't have strong positive emotions about ourselves, but we still make choices that we believe will accomplish our goals and avoid problems, to better ourselves and our situation. When we love a fur we make choices for their benefit, even when it is not motivated by feelings.
"However, if we stop here we leave the idea of love open to a certain kind of distortion: where one party dominates and controls the other. If we believe something is beneficial for another and they disagree, is it love to force them into it? This doesn't seem right either. Maybe you see where this is going, given my second parable? The one with the two pistols?"
Cotton replies before you have a chance. "They need to choose, right?"
"Correct. Without choice there can be no love. Love does not force itself on another, it does not manipulate, exploit, deceive, or control. It asks. It invites. It offers, and it informs, because without all the required information there cannot be a choice at all. And, once a true choice has been made, love respects that choice.
"Different kinds of love add to this core, change how it is expressed, or accounts for differences in ability to make informed choices, but they must all include these two aspects.
"Coming to this conclusion leads me to believe that there is nothing that prevents two girls from loving each other, or two boys. You can argue that homosexuality isn't beneficial for other reasons, if you wish. I don't give these arguments much credence. What you cannot argue is that it is not love, and as long as a relationship is based on love, true love that does not exploit or control, then I can find no serious fault in it.
"Likewise, I cannot rectify this understanding of love with the actions of a loving God. It fails on both counts, and so I must conclude that something in the belief itself must be false. I don't know if you will find any comfort in that fact, Cottontail. Is it a relief to realize you will avoid hell because it doesn't exist, or is it terrifying to realize that heaven was never an option, and there is no one to look out for us but each other?
"I have felt both joy and pain in response to my own loss of faith. I don't know which will be greater for you, or even if you should accept my conclusions. Maybe I'm wrong. I have been wrong before. All I can tell you is that I believe that love, pure and untainted, in all its expressions, is important. It's possibly the most important thing in all of life.
"So, if you love Cherry, truly love her, and she loves you, then the fact you are both girls doesn't matter. Take some comfort in that, even if it means that you must now struggle with some new questions."
You can feel the edges of an answer to your own question in what Priest is saying, but something more important is distracting you. Cotton's brow is furrowed, and you don't like it at all. Where is that peace you saw earlier? Isn't this a win? At least a little bit? After saying she'd go to hell for you, why isn't this better? Priest seems to notice Cotton's expression too.
"I'm sorry I don't have better answers for you. Is there anything you'd like to ask? I feel like I've done far too much talking."
Cotton shifts in her seat uncomfortably. "No, thank you. I think... I just need to think about all of that, if that's okay."
"More than okay. I felt the same way. Take some time to let it settle in. I do have a recommendation, however."
Priest pauses long enough to make Cotton look up from the tabletop where her gaze had settled. He looks sad.
"Keep friends and family close to you while you come to terms with this, ones who know what's on your mind, and who love you. Talk to them. I tried to shoulder this alone, and it led to a very dark and hopeless place. Don't make my mistake."
You take Cotton's paw under the table, which seems to surprise you both. For a split second you wonder if it was the right thing to do. You've fucked up so much tonight. When Cotton looks at you with her big brown eyes and squeezes back, you're sure, and it feels good.
Sis quaffs the dregs of her wine and sets the glass on the table with a satisfied sigh. "Don't think any of us can follow up an act like that one, and it covers everything I wanted to know. Fire, J, any questions, or are you ready to vote?"
You'd nearly forgotten the whole reason you were here. J clears his throat and fixes you with a thoughtful look. You hope Cotton can't feel your heart pounding through your paw.
"Don't think I've got anything left to ask. Guess I'll start with you, Cherry. It's pretty clear you're a troublemaker, and part of my job is to watch out for furs like you. You pushed right up against the edge of the rules on multiple occasions.
"That said, looking out for troublemakers goes two ways. I've got as much responsibility for the troublemaker as I do the rest of these furs, and I think you're our kind of trouble. I don't think you'll hurt any fur, and I'm trusting you to respect their boundaries, despite dancing right on the edge sometimes. Don't prove me wrong."
You nod and swear not to. You even mean it, which is a little surprising. It seems reasonable, as far as rules go. Sis jumps in next.
"I'm not going to vote, for the same reason I stayed out of your tests at first. This place is home to me, and I want it to be yours too, but it's yours because you belong here. I don't want you to ever feel like you got in just because your big sister pulled some strings. I hope that makes sense."
Dammit, she's going to get you all choked up again. You can't get all weepy and still manage to maintain your cool in front of Cotton, so you just nod. Thankfully Sapphire takes her turn before you have to say anything else.
"I agree with J and Wire. I think this place will be good for you and you will be good for it, especially with Cottontail keeping you pointed in the right direction. I guess that gives away my vote about you too, Cotton.
"I know you bent some rules with Cherry on the floor, but I can't imagine you doing something like that in any other circumstance. Our rules exist to protect everyfur, and I'm confidant you will learn from this experience. I can't see you as a danger to other furs. Just make sure your head keeps up with your heart and your heat, okay? If you ever need somefur to talk to about any of that, I'll be here for you."
Cotton squeaks out a thanks while J nods in agreement. "Yeah, can't blame you too much for your stunt when I was the one who was supposed to be watching you. If you'd explained it I probably would have given you the key, and that was your worst offense.
"Maybe you could have done what you did in a way that followed the rules a little better, maybe not. Either way, I understand your motivations, they were in line with the spirit of the rules, and that's important. We don't have to enforce the rules blindly. I've seen too much of that. Wire's right. This is a home, and I say you belong. I'll just have to remember you can be a sneaky little bun when you want to be."
Cotton blushes and ducks her head with an apologetic look while Sis smirks.
"Guess that just leaves me. I almost want to bow out for the same reason I didn't vote on Cherry. Not like I can be objective in your case, when you clearly mean a lot to my little sister.
"I think what makes it different is this doesn't seem like a place you'd normally stumble into without a little help, and I want you to know that you're welcome here. It feels right to make that official with a vote. You belong. Besides, gotta start things off on the right paw with my future sister in law, right?"
You can feel the heat rush to your face. Cotton glances at you at the same time you try to sneak a peek at her, which causes you both to quickly look away. Sis cackles. Jackass.
"That just leaves our raccoon theologian. Your take, J?"
"I had my doubts. No offense, but but adults are always much harder to figure out than cubs. We're too practiced with lies. I don't think you're the threat I was worried about though.
"Dunno what you'll do with the cards we've put on the table, and that's more risk than I like. Normally voting you in would mean we trust you not to rat. Don't have a clue what you'll do about that, but we're past the point of making that call.
"What is clear is that we're on the same page about the safety and importance of these cubs. That's the only thing left to vote on, and I don't have any doubts on that point. Your story lines up with what we knew before inviting you down.
"Didn't have the whole thing, of course. Turning your whole life inside-out because God himself doesn't live up to your standards? That's new, but still lines up with established facts. Pretty sure it also makes you a front-runner for most trustworthy fur in the building, when it comes to the cubs. So, I vote yes. Fire?"
"I also vote yes. I wasn't too sure after our session together. I'm still curious about some of that, but I also don't think the way we were doing things was working.
"I'm worried too, about what you'll decide to do with what you know, especially since telling you all this now was mostly my idea. You might be a danger to the club, and that makes me feel sick, but J is right. You're no danger to the cubs, and that's what we're really voting on now."
Sis leans forward, elbows on the table, digits intertwined.
"Back around to me, then. I second everything J and Fire said, except being worried about what you'll do. The fact I can't predict your response isn't something that concerns me.
"As long as I can trust you to think things through, top to bottom, without jumping to conclusions, that's all that matters to me for the vote. I believe your story, and it tells me you aren't afraid to ask hard questions or make harder choices. You do what's right, and are willing to admit you're wrong. That's everything I was hoping for and more. So, I vote yes.
"That said, pretty sure you'll want to see the rest of this place before you decide to accept, and that's fair. This is your decision too, and I'm sure you have more questions."
"That's quite an understatement."
Sis chuckles. "I'm sure. I'll let J give you the nickle tour and then I'll catch up. For now, I think Sapphire and I have two new junior members to get settled in."
J reaches into his pocket as he stands, tossing a key to Sis. "Sounds like you'll need this then. Welcome to The Club, you two. Don't be strangers."
The rest of the table follows J's lead and starts to clean up. God, you've been sitting so long your butt is half asleep. You limp on a prickly foot, helping to pile plates onto the cart as small talk and jokes start to bounce around. Before you know it you're making awkward parting remarks as J and Priest head down towards the first floor.
Cotton's expression still says she's all tangled up inside though, and it makes your chest hurt. You wish you knew what to say to fix it. You slip your paw back into hers as you follow Sis and Sapphire out to the second floor of the main room, overlooking the first. The mood seems to have slowed down a bit. Fewer furs are bouncing around on the dance floor, and more are clustered around the bar and lounge. Even the music is lower and slower.
Sis and Sapphire seem to be conspiring about something up ahead as you walk, muttering in low tones. Sis occasionally glances over her shoulder to grin at you, and you almost let go of Cotton's paw the first time, like you'd gotten caught sneaking snacks out of the pantry or something.
This thing between you and Cotton is going to take some getting used to. You're not even really sure what it is. You came here tonight expecting to have a little fun with your best friend, but never expected it to be, y'know, with her...
And maybe that's all this is? Is that what Cotton wants? You're still not sure how to fit this new Cotton into your picture of the old one, but you're pretty sure she wants something more than just a little bump and grind. Right?
And what about you? Is that what you want? Just have some stupid, sexy fun? Bang and then go do something or someone else? You suppress a shudder. No. That feels gross, for some reason. Cotton isn't some dumb guy you can raise your tail at and then forget about. The idea of... using her like that actually makes you angry. You're not sure what that means though. If you're not just friends, and you're not just fucking, then what are you? Are you... are you Cotton's girlfriend?
That feels really weird. You've never really considered yourself girlfriend material. Not like you're going to let some stupid jerk turn you into a prize to show off to all his stupid jerk friends. You'd rather die than become some sort of brain-dead arm candy, all giggles and pink and frills and shit. No. Nuh-uh. Not happening.
An image of you and Cotton as wife and... wife flashes through your head, slaving away over housework together, a dozen adorable cubs packed into a little house in the middle of nowhere, every day the same as the last. There you rot, a domesticated soccer mom, except in all the ways no one will let you be, just because you don't belong to a pot-bellied, ass-scratching dude. That feels even more confusing. It's not completely terrible, surprisingly, but still a lot of nope.
You're so distracted that you nearly walk straight into Sapphire's back. Apparently you've arrived at wherever you are going. Sis kneels to get down to Cotton's eye level, that smirk still plastered on her muzzle.
"Okay you two, Fire and I think you've had more than enough of other furs butting in tonight. You've gotten the full show. Normally we'd go a little slower and keep a close eye on you for a few more nights, just to make totally sure neither of you will take advantage of each other, but I've got the benefit of being Cherry's older sister. I might have missed a few years, and that's something I'll always regret, but she's still the same little shit I love under all that slick new fur dye."
You roll your eyes and grunt dramatically. Maybe becoming a member of a secret sex club where your sister works wasn't such a hot idea. Sis just sticks her tongue out at you before continuing.
"And while I do want to get to know you better, Cotton, this thing between you and Cherry obviously isn't a brand new idea that came to you an hour ago. Might've been news to my sister, but that's not surprising. I don't know if you've noticed, but she's not the brightest crayon in the shed. Gotta spell things out with small, simple words for her sometimes."
Cotton smiles her tiny little smile while you contemplate exactly how to enact perfect, sisterly vengeance. Sis takes Cotton's free paw and holds it palm up before covering it with her own.
"What I'm trying to say is that I'm the closest thing to real, blood family that Cherry has left. I'm trusting you with her, and I know I can trust her with you."
Sis takes your free paw and puts it in Cotton's before backing away. You feel something lumpy and metallic between your paw and Cotton's, and after a second you realize it's the key to the collar you're wearing. God, that was so incredibly cheesy and smooth. Sapphire kneels down on the opposite side from Sis, which gives you an excuse to drop Cotton's empty paw. You're warming up to the idea of holding one paw, but two feels like something out of a bad romance movie.
"I'm so glad you both made it. I was chewing my claws all night, scared something would go wrong and we'd lose one or both of you. She may be all cool and collected on the outside, but Wire was worried sick too. You should have seen her the night we finally found you, Cherry. She was pacing, laughing, crying—"
"Hey now, that's confidential club business."
Sapphire smiles warmly. "Oh, hush. Don't dish it out if you can't take it. And I know we just met tonight, Cottontail, but I can't help but worry over furs struggling with the things you are. We don't provide enough support out in the rest of the world for this, and you're so sweet and kind. You deserve better.
"It will take time for you to figure out yourselves and each other. That's normal and okay, as long as you remember to respect your boundaries. Talk it through, listen, be patient with each other, and move at a pace you're both comfortable with. If you need help figuring any of that out you can always come talk to me, or J, or Wire any time. Okay?"
Cotton nods, letting go of your paw and the key to give Sapphire a hug, which she tearfully returns. The moment lingers before Sis clears her throat to deliver a playfully stilted line, like she's reading off a script.
"Boy, it sure is late. You two should relax for a while and unwind. Oh look! This room is free. Here, it's on the house."
Sis unlocks a door and pushes it open. Cotton lets go of Sapphire to peer into the darkened room before Sis sweeps up behind you both and gently urges you inside. She steps back into the doorway with an expression you almost don't recognize, a sort of melancholy happiness that looks out of place on her face. Something about it seems weirdly familiar, though. A snippet of a memory slips past, and for just a moment she reminds you of Mom. Then the smirk is back and the memory dances away as Sis closes the door.
"Have fun!"
The door clicks closed and you and Cotton fumble around in the dark before you find the lightswitch and flick it on.
Oh god, now you get the final smirk. The room is cozy, plushly carpeted and softly lit, dominated by a large bed piled high with pillows. If that was all you might have been able to salvage some sort of dignity, but the collection of sex toys, lube, and condoms takes that idea down an alley and pummels it into a thin paste. Cotton glances at you, her cheeks and ears getting close to matching your fur dye. You sigh and hang your head.
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