It was never easy to be on a battlefield during a war. Seeing your comrades fall beside you, seeing some of them suffer horribly before their last breath, hearing screams and cries at the distance, fading pleading of help. You had to have nerves of steel, you cannot let any of them to affect you.

Shooting your enemies isn’t any easier. After all they live like you, they think, feel, hear, smell, taste, breathe… Everything. They are like YOU even if they look different. Every time when you pull the trigger you kill someone’s child, someone’s partner… No, you can’t let these thoughts crawl in your mind during fighting to stay alive yourself. It doesn’t take more than a second for a bullet to sink in your head.

**

Battlefield died down, piles of bodies left behind as small group of survivals withdrew back to the camp where they sat down. Some sighed in relief, some totally collapsed screaming and crying. The horrors of war really got some of them.

Raphael shook his head as he watched how other soldiers took one, completely broken, man away. He was screaming and crying like mad, making horrible sounds. It was horrible and sad sight, making Raphael feel sad and angry. None of these men were here because they wanted to. They were here because they’d been forced to go through army service where only purpose was to teach recruits to kill as many enemies as possible while surviving. They were here because government had forced them here.

A soldier from his small group stopped next to Raphael, placing his hand on turtle’s shoulder.

“Try not to think about it too much.”

“Hey, guys!”

Turning to look calmly over his shoulder with his soldier Raphael watched how rest of his small group had sat down around a fire, opening alcohol bottles. They were perfectly aware that Raphael, as their leader, did not like it if they drank, but they never drank too much. After all they, too, knew they had to be in a shape to fight.

“Come here, sit and let’s have a drink! We’ve earned it!”

Raphael watched as the soldier from his side decided to join the rest of them, but Raphael wasn’t so much in the mood. Another soldier ran to him, greeting him first before handing him a phone. Eyeing it suspiciously Raphael took it, lifting it on his ear.

“Raphael.”

“This is commander Greg.”

“Sir.”

“I have information what I wish you to deliver to your group. The war’s over. Enemy leader contacted us shortly after their defeat, stating they are willing to surrender and withdraw.”

“Sir, this is great news. Thank you.” Raphael said, keeping his excitement low.

“You all are getting back home. Helicopters will come to pick you all up tomorrow afternoon.”

“Sir, thank you, sir.”

“You fought well. Good night.”

“Good night, sir.”

Raphael shut the phone handing it away as he turned to look his group. They were laughing and chatting loud, obviously trying to forget today’s horrified events. Walking to them Raphael sat down, everyone suddenly turning dead silent as eyes scanned them all one by one.

“I just got a call.” Raphael started, keeping his look and tone serious. It was obvious everyone were expecting the worst. “We’ll be heading home tomorrow. War’s over. They surrendered.”

Oh, the loud screams of joy, some of his team members jumping up. It warmed Raphael’s heart but at the same time he felt heavy, so sorry and bad for all those who they had lost, or killed. How many families were going to get pain and tears while they were celebrating with joy… It didn’t feel right.

Sitting next to Raphael Leonardo smiled, slapping his hand on bigger turtle’s shoulder.

“Hey, no long faces now. I know you feel like shit, we all do, but it’s no use to dwell in it. Let’s celebrate and honor those who have fallen too, friend or foe.”

Smiling at smaller turtle Raphael nodded once, stating Leo’s idea to his group. They all agreed with it. Night went further and this small group had gathered around the fire, more or less drunk.

“I’m gonna fuck my wife so hard and long when I get home.” One of them laughed while leaning against his friend, taking support from him by wrapping his arm over his shoulders.

“I’m gonna bang my girlfriend too. Need to show her how much I’ve missed her and how good it’s to be back in her arms. Can’t wait to smell the scent of her hair from the pillow in the morning.”

Few guys laughed, then one of them turning to look Raphael before grin widened on his face.

“How about you, boss? You gonna do your wife too?”

Raphael snorted amused. “I think I would – if I would have a wife.” looking down at the sand between his feet Raphael continued. “I’ve none waiting for me at home. It will be cold and lonely when I get there.”

Looking up at his team members Raphael chuckled, hoping it to erase those worried and sorry looking expressions off on their faces. “But I guess that just means I need to start dating when I get back.”

Now his group was laughing, some of them too eagerly offering their help in finding a wife to their boss. Raphael laughed while trying to calm his team down. They were a handful at times. Then his gaze turned on Leonardo by his side when he spoke.

“I think I go visit my brothers. It’s been so long when I saw them last time.”

“You mean Don and Mikey?”

“Of course. They are my only brothers. My only family.” Looking around his friends Leonardo continued. “It’s not like I don’t have my own apartment and all, but I really want to go see them.”

“No need to make excuses or anything. We know and understand.”

Rest of the night went happily chatting until people started to fall face down on the ground for being so drunk and tired. Since Raphael and Leonardo hadn’t drink any alcohol they were the ones who took rest of the team in their tents to sleep.

Hesitating a moment at the front of his own tent Leonardo looked Raphael for a few seconds, then going in his tent. Raphael recognized that look. It was longing, it was hoping and yet sad. Their ways would now go in separated ways, but there was small hope they would stay in contact. After all they’d shared their number with each other soon after getting to know each other on the battlefield.

Getting in in his own tent Raphael laid on his shell, letting his mind take him back to the moment when…

**

Some men, in the middle of the war, had come to realize there was a chance they would never go home. They longed to be with someone, be touched, held, kissed… And more. It was not uncommon that soldiers ended up sleeping together. It was something what everyone understood. This also happened in Raphael’s team and he was okay with it as long as they didn’t let it effect on them on the battlefield.

One day had been more than close call to him, Leonardo and few other soldiers when a bomb had exploded near them, enemy suddenly attacking them. They all thought they were done for, but with a miracle they managed to kill the enemy and run back to safety.

Later that night Leonardo, shaken and obviously cried, approached Raphael. Those big reddish watery eyes begged him without any words. The message was clear. Young male had experienced his first close call and was more than afraid, shocked. He wanted to feel the warmth he had never felt before – and Raphael allowed it. They spend the night in Raphael’s tent, bodies tangled together, mouth searching mouth, silent moans interrupting sweet whispered words, hearts beating in the same rhythm.

In the morning they both acted like if nothing hadn’t happened. But the same happened few more times in other nights. But now…

**

… But now it all had come to an end. No longer was Leonardo’s body by his side, not there to comfort him when he woke up have a nightmare – which always woke him up with a scream. Not there to please his eyes and body.

Raphael sat on his bed in dark bedroom. This had become almost a routine. Every night, since coming back home, Raphael was having nightmares. He still could smell and taste the blood, the dirt, hear those horrified screams, weight of his fallen comrade on his shoulders… His dreams were too vivid. Raphael didn’t want to go back to sleep.

Raphael’s phone suddenly started to rang. It was Leonardo. Picking his phone up with unsteady hold Raphael almost dropped it, finally getting firm hold of it answering.

“I’m sorry if I woke you up.” Was Leonardo silent voice. “I thought it would be okay to call you.”

“Can’t sleep?” Raphael asked with a soft whisper.

“… No...” Was another gentle whisper from the other end.

“Come to my place. You have the address what I gave you on the field?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll see you soon.”

He hung up. He had no idea why he had called Leonardo to his place… Or actually he had, but it wasn’t wrong, right? After all they both were single so having some company – a good company – wasn’t wrong. They enjoyed each others presence in so many levels.

Getting off of his bed Raphael headed in the kitchen, checking the fridge. Luckily he’d gone for shopping earlier. Digging ingredients out Raphael started to prepare a meal. He was hungry and he wanted to welcome Leo in his apartment, for the first time, with food.

Raphael fried chicken pieces ready, moving them to wait on a plate. Then onion and red bell pepper slices he threw on the pan, frying them. When they were lovely colored and soft he added 2 cups of vegetable broth and 15 ounce of coconut milk. God, the smell was good! His stomach was agreeing with loud growling.

In small pot rise was boiling as Raphael kept cooking. Adding seasonings Raphael smiled as he kept repeating the ingredients out loud;

“Garlic, ginger, red curry paste and...” Stopping for a moment he needed to think. He smiled as he shook his head. “Nope. Not forgetting anything. Next!”

He was now humming happily. He was so happy for the thought that Leonardo was coming to visit him – and deep inside Raphael wished Leo would stay a little longer, no, much longer – than just one night. Adding chopped cauliflower Raphael left the food to boil for a while, returning back to add carrot slices and water chestnut slices in the mix. Licking his lips Raphael eyes the food. It smelled so good and looked too!

Letting the food boil for 5 more minutes Raphael added chicken pieces in it so that they would warm with the last minutes. Leaving the food on the stove Raphael moved to do quick fruit salad. He cut banana, strawberries, grapes, kiwis and orange in big bowl, dropping one blueberry at the time in there. He was chuckling. He knew he was adult, but he enjoyed dropping those blueberries one by one. Eyeing the mix Raphael rubbed his chin. Looking in the fridge Raphael spotted one last apple – taking it. It too was chopped and put in the salad. Canned pineapple pieces and lastly – honey.

Raphael gave his salad a good mix, taking a big spoon of it. He hummed now even louder. It was delicious! He just hoped Leonardo would like it too.

When doorbell suddenly rang it made Raphael jump. Yes, it was around 2am and he knew Leo was coming, but somehow he had also forgot it. Just when he turned, lights went out. Oh for fuck’s sake…

Taking his phone Raphael used its flashlight to come to open the door. He expected to see more happier turtle behind it when he opened the door, but no. Leonardo didn’t look happy at all. He looked quite horrible, in fact. A little bit pale, dark circles under his eyes.

“Hey.” He whispered.

“Hey. Come on it.” Raphael said, stepping out of the way. “Sorry about the darkness. Lights went out just before you came.”

“I’m okay with it.” Sniffing the air Leonardo gave small smile to bigger turtle. “Something smells good.”

“You like? I just cooked – especially for you.”

“For me?” Leonardo was stunned for a moment. “No one has ever cook for me.”

“Now have.” Raphael smiled as he entered the kitchen, lighting up a candle in the middle of the small dinner table where food was waiting. “Sit down and eat as much as you like. There’s plenty.”

There was obvious relaxation on Leonardo’s face as he released deep, like really really deep, exhale. Without a word he walked to the chair, sitting down on it.

“Dig in. I go get few more candles just in case.”

Leonardo did as Raphael told him since he didn’t want to be disrespectful. Big spoon of rise and then sauce on his plate really pleased his eyes. Leonardo hadn’t come to Raphael for food, but he didn’t mind about getting something to eat either. His own vivid dreams had been haunting him so bad, for so long, that he had started to lose his appetite. But somehow, for some reason, here in Raphael’s apartment – with his company – Leonardo started to feel hungry again.

Starting to eat Leonardo sighed when the spicy and warm food filled his mouth, sending pleasant chills all around his body. Warm food. What a bliss. He heard steps coming from behind and soon Raphael appeared there, taking his seat across Leonardo after lightning up 2 more candles. They were big ones, lightning the area so well.

“I’m happy to see you eat.”

“This is good. I haven’t had food in a week or so. It feels good to eat.”

Eyeing other turtle with worry Raphael mumbled. “No wonder you don’t look so good.”

Leonardo smirked with a small smile, lowering his eyes back on the food, continuing to eat. Both of them ate in silence, taking some salad too.

“Leave the dishes. I will handle them later.” Raphael stated as they both got off of the table, heading in the living room.

“You wanna watch some TV?” Raphael asked as he sat down on the couch, Leonardo seating himself right next to him.

“No. I came here for you, not for TV.” Raphael knew exactly what Leo meant, but he still looked the other turtle deep in the eyes. “I miss you. The nights what we shared.”

Heart beating harder and faster Raphael swallowed and licked his lips. “Yeah. I know.”

“Is it the same with you?”

“Yeah. Tho I thought we agreed that those things wouldn’t be nothing more than few nights things.”

“So you don’t want me here?”

“No, no. I do want you here. It’s just… Do you really want this?”

Candles’ flames danced on the living room table as two males stared at each other. There were no words between them since the spark in their eyes was the answer. The truth. The absolutely honestly. They wanted and needed each other.

Reaching for each other males wrapped their arms around one another, kissing gently and warmly. Rubbing their beaks together after the kiss, they both shared a small smile. Standing up together they kept holding hands before Raphael needed to pull his hand free.

“Wait here.” He whispered before going to kitchen to blow up the candle. Food would survive on the stove for now. Then he came and blew candles from the living room, except one what he took with them in the bedroom while holding Leonardo’s hand.

Candle on the nightstand brought them enough light to see each others’ features as they laid on the bed, Leonardo settling on his shell, never breaking the eye contact with Raphael when bigger turtle settled on top of him, slowly landing part of his body and weight on Leonardo. He welcomed it by wrapping arms behind Raphael’s head, kissing him.

New beautiful memories were created that night and hopefully they would, some day, bury all bad memories under them.
