                                 Where’s the line between a dream and reality?

Coming back home after a long night patrol boys headed in the kitchen to get something to drink before heading to bed. However Raphael had decided to go straight into his room, leaving his brothers watch after him worried.

Leonardo sat down as Don and Mikey followed his lead.

”Have you guys notice anything strange about Raphael?”

”Uhuh, it’s like he’s avoiding us or when he’s with us he still seems to be so distant and avoiding.”

Leonardo eyed his younger brothers, nodding. He too had noticed Raph’s strange behavior but no matter how he had think about it, he couldn’t figure out what it was. He had approach Raphael head on, asking about the issue only to piss Raphael off so that didn’t work. Everyone knew Raphael most surely would never talk to Mikey so they had lay all their hope on Don who only had managed to get little bit of info out of Raph; He wasn’t sleeping well. Of course Don had kept this to himself since he had promised Raphael that whatever they talked alone in his lab, would stay there and between them.

The sound of cup meeting with table made Don and Mikey raise their gaze on their oldest brother who stood up eyes closed, sighing deep.

”Whatever it’s bothering him, we can’t let this continue too long. It already has start to infect in our team work and team itself.” Opening his eyes Leo’s gaze turned on Don. ”Could you still try to talk to Raphael and get something out of him? I would like to solve this without Master interfering since he already has seen something’s not right here.”

Don nodded swallowing the rest of his water from his favorite mug, placing in on the table as well.

“Of course I can try but I won’t promise anything.”

“Good. Then it’s settled. The more sooner this is over the better. Night.”

Brown and light blue eyes stayed on Leo’s carapace as he exist the kitchen, heading into his own room. Mikey sighed as he took dishes in the sink, looking down worried which Don noticed, placing warm hand on Mikey’s shoulder.

“Don’t worry, everything will be okay.”

His little brother nodded once before heading into his own room as well, Don right behind him heading into his.

–

Tossing and turning slightly in his hammock Raphael grunted and moaned, whimpering at times even in his sleep, sweat drops covering his green skin. When something really got to him in his dream, he jumped up screaming from the bottom of his lungs, falling off on his hammock. Panting hard Raphael managed to get his shaking body up and sit on the cool floor, noticing his palms felt sticky and warm. Looking down at his palms his eyes grew wide seeing fresh warm blood covering his hands. Panicking Raph looked down seeing blood splashes all over his body which made him gasp for air, his massive body starting to tremble so easily and hard.

“R...Raph...ael...”

Snapping his head up staring right forward into the darkest corner of his room he could see something crawling toward him and soon that bloody figure came out enough so he could see it, his heart turning cold. It was Leo, obviously Leo but his face was covered by blood and his beautiful blue eyes were all white, cold and empty. The more closer Leo crawled the more harder time Raph had to breath and calm his racing heart while all those horrible injuries were revealed. Half of Leo’s head was badly beaten which most surely had cause him his blindness, his carapace was missing pieces and the rest of the body was so badly covered by blood and shadows it was impossible to tell what other injuries he had.

Managing to get on his feet Raphael backed away against the wall but Leo refused to stop.

“W...why… You… a… attacked me…? All what… I have done… is to love… and lead you...”

“No. I… I haven’t… I didn’t!”

“Yes… You did. How it… felt to… beat me…? Almost kill me?”

“I SAID I DIDN’T DO IT!!”

Somehow Raph managed to get his feet to move and he rushed out of his room past Leonardo who’s voice echoed behind him; “You can’t escape that what you did!”

Running to the stairs Raph heard a small sound and in an instant Mikey’s room’s door opened right next to him and arm flied past him, hitting the railing and slamming on the floor at Raphael’s feet. His heart jumped in his chest as he stared that arm bleeding on the floor, hearing foot steps from Mikey’s room, seeing his little brother’s figure appearing at the door way.

“Why so freaked out, Raphael? You always treated to hurt me and now you did.”

Raph’s eyes growing wider and head shaking Mikey’s mouth went from serious thin line into a wicked smile. “What’s the matter? Have start to regret what you did? Come on, dude, take that arm of mine. It’s your trophy.”

As Mikey started to walk toward him Raphael spun around on his heel, starting to run and jump the stair down, hearing Mikey’s maniac laugh echoing in the lair. Making sure Mikey wasn’t following him Raph took a look over his shoulder while running, falling on the ground after hitting on something with his feet. Getting on all four his eyes looked over his shoulder once more and that horrible scream filled the lair while he desperately tried to crawl away from his second youngest brother’s body.

“...N...No… D-Don!”

That lifeless body laying cold and still, those dry eyes fully open staring right at Raphael’s eye, piercing his very soul, freezing it. Mouth slightly hanging open, dry blood had left its trail on Don’s cheek and… No matter how hard Raphael fought against his eyes, he couldn’t stop them wandering down on Don’s body, scanning his half opened chest. Don’s left chest plate was removed in violent way and his bare chest was full of holes and Raph recognized those holes easily. They had been made with… his weapon. H-had he...attack Don and kill him?! No! NO!

Taking steps back Raph hit something with his carapace and in a flash he turned around seeing his father standing behind him, those empty eye holes sucking his gaze in them. His heart had never beat this hard nor strong and when he was about to scream once more Splinter interrupted him.

“There’s no reason to scream and be so afraid, my son. Instead you should admire your admirable hand work. You indeed are strong since you managed to beat Leonardo who’s now blind and can’t lead the team so it makes you leader. Just like you always wanted.”

“No… I…”

“Secondly you managed to beat Mikey who’s Nexus champion. That’s quite something, Raphael. That proves your skills are far better than Mikey’s. You also finally managed to have your revenge on Mikey for all those pranks what he has done to you.”

“But, Master I---”

“And then Donatello. Oh, poor Donatello. He, who you trusted the most couldn’t keep his mouth shut and he told everyone about your problem; You losing your mind. You couldn’t handle being betrayed so you snapped and attacked him, turning him silent for good.”

“I would neve---”

“And then I, Raphael. You knew I was watching on you like a hawk so your only option was to put some drugs in my tea and dig my eyes out of my head while I was under the effect those drugs!”

Splinter suddenly reached his hands to Raphael’s cheeks taking tight hold on them, pushing Raphael hard on the ground. Despite the fact Raphael knew he was most strongest in the family, he couldn’t get Splinter off on him. When Splinter pressed his face right in front of Raphael’s he could smell this unpleasant smell… Death. While being focused on Splinter 2 other shadows appeared next to them and Raph soon realized them to be Leonardo and Michelangelo.

“Raphael, son, it’s time for you to get your punishment. First I will remove your ability to see… And then I remove your left arm and finally your left chest plate and stab you to death.”

Raphael begged as he might but he couldn’t stop Leo and Mike holding him down with Splinter who lifted Raph’s own sai in the air, slowly moving it closer and closer to his left eye and when it finally pierced his eye…

–

The lair filled with the most disturbing and horrible loud scream that there never hadn’t been heard anything like that. Leonardo and Michelangelo where the first ones to jump up and rush out of their room looking at each other in surprise and slight horror since the scream kept on going nonstop before Don ran to them, giving them fast looks before rushing behind Raphael’s room, pushing the door open.

Raphael was laying on the floor screaming in so horrible way that it turned all their souls cold and hurt their ears. It was like he was being tortured alive. None of them never hadn’t heard such sound. Don didn’t hesitate longer than that when he rushed and knelt next to Raphael, shaking him and gently slapping his cheeks calling his name over and over again and eventually Raphael’s eyes snapped open with final scream.
Looking straight at the ceiling in pure panic Don petted gently his brother’s cheek calmly calling his name over and over again until Raph seemed to start to get some control of himself back. Turning his gaze slowly on Don, fearing to see something what he didn’t want to see, his breath was finally released what he had been holding back.

“D-Donnie…?”

With trembling voice he reached his trembling hand to his brother who took gentle hold of it, smiling and nodding gently.

“Yes, it’s I. Don’t worry, you had a nightmare. Everything’s fine.”

Still panting hard, Raphael swallowed taking a look past Don to see Leo and Mikey standing worried at the doorway. When his gaze finally returned on Don’s face, his face turned pale as that horrible beaten face of Don’s with wide eyes were staring back at him.

“You okay? You look pale?”

“S-stay away!!”

Surprised by Raphael’s sudden reaction Don looked at him confused and then his brothers.

“But, Raphael, it’s me, Don. Please, calm down. Everything’s fine. We are all here.”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up!! Nothing’s fine!” Raphael’s wide, shocked and yet angry teary eyes stared at them back in the darkness of his room. “Ya are dead, Don! I fucking killed ya! I KILLED YA!!” Falling on his knees crying into his palms Raphael repeated that sentence over and over again.

“But I’m right here and I’m okay. You never haven’t hurt me, Raph.”

“Shut up I said! Look at these hands! They are covered by blood even now!! LOOK! There’s yours, Leo’s, Mikey’s and Splinta’s blood all over them!”

3 of them looked at Raph’s palms from further away what he showed to them before looking at each other worried. This was… bad. Really bad. Maybe Raph hadn’t wake up fully yet and was still seeing things. When Leo took step forward, Raphael spoke again which rather sounded like he was talking to himself.

“I don’t know what’s a dream and reality anymore. I don’t know where the line goes… Even this can be a dream. I don’t know how long I can last… Or perhaps I have lost my mind already. It has been months with these nightmares already… Maybe I have snap and killed all of ‘em.”

Leonardo opened his mouth but Splinter, who had now arrive to the scene as well, placed his hand on Leo’s shoulder. Without saying a thing he walked in front of Raphael, looking down at his son who kept trembling and mumbling to himself.

“Look at me, my son.”

It took a while but Raphael did raise his head, letting his eyes meet with his father’s and that familiar love and kindness was something what eased his mind and fears.

“F-father...”

Splinter smiled gently petting Raphael’s head.

“You with us now, Raphael?”

“I don’t know, Master. I don’t know is this dream or reality.”

“Then what would be a good proof this is reality?”

“I… Don’t know.”

“Isn’t it a good proof that we all are unharmed and normal? I heard you had hurt us in your dream but, as you can see, we don’t have even a scratch on us. You never haven’t lay your hands on any of us in a way of hurting us seriously.”

Raphael seemed to relax as he sat down crossing his legs, keeping his hands relaxed in his lap and head down. Splinter watched his son who seemed to be in some sort of turmoil before tapping him gently on the shoulder.

“Perhaps you should go back to sleep. I believe you need good rest and after you have rest well enough, we will talk about this. Is this okay with you?”

It sounded weird to hear Splinter ask such thing instead of ordering but Raphael nodded in agreement. Getting his weight better on his feet Splinter turned around walking to his other sons.

“It’s better if we let him calm down on his own now and let him rest. We will talk about this later with him.”

3 of them nodded and as much as they didn’t want to leave their brother all alone they didn’t want to go against their father’s wish. Before closing the door Don took one last look of his brother who kept sitting in that same pose, closing the door.

–

Raphael had no idea how long he had been sitting there but he had fell a sleep couple of times but right away when he had start to smell and see blood in his dream, he had somehow manage to wake himself up and was now desperately trying to keep himself awake. Suddenly remembering this small box under his hammock he crawled to it, pulling box out and lifted it’s lid open. There were old photos and toys and stuffs from his childhood but one special item was the one what he came to get. He reached his hand in the box, feeling soft fabric against his fingers, gently wrapping them around this stuffed white bunny toy.

Lifting it gently against his chest Raph crawled to sit against the wall closing his eyes for a moment with a sigh, slowly lifting his eyelids open looking down at his beloved bunny plush. He remembered that day clearly when he had got it. It was his 5th birthday and everyone has pretend they had forgot his birthday while the truth was they hadn’t got his gift yet. Later that same day Splinter had invite them all in the kitchen and cake had been set on the table with letters ‘Happy Birthday, Raphael!’ and cake alone was something what had made Raphael so very happy but when Splinter had place this small gift in front of him on the table, his eyes had start to shine like stars as he opened it.

At first he hadn’t got all excited about that bunny plush but when Splinter had sent other turtles away from the kitchen and spoke to Raphael alone, he had managed to convince to Raphael that this bunny would keep bad dreams away and ever since then Raphael had slept with it and it had worked. 5 years ago though Mikey had found out his hot-head brother still slept with his bunny and of course he had start to make fun out of Raph who had get angry and with sadness had placed his favorite toy away. Taking a deep inhale from his toy’s fake fur brought all those memories back when he had lay on his bed, sniffing his toy since the smell of its fake fur had always calm him down and lull him to sleep and it helped him to fall asleep even now.

Waking up crying with another nightmare sent Raphael up on his feet as he held his toy tight against his chest panting hard looking all around in horror. After minutes, what felt like eternity to him, Raph calmed down still sobbing, noticing he was awake. Looking down at his plush and then around his room he made decision that he no longer couldn’t sleep in his room nor alone. He needed someone to be there for him or at least with him…

–

He heard sounds from the corner of his bedroom and it sounded like… if someone was sniffing or crying silently. Moving his ear a bit to pick up a better sound, Master Splinter opened his eyes and light up a candle, slowly sitting up to see darker figure sitting in the corner. Over all these years Splinter had learn to recognize his sons different energies and he could tell it right away who it was. Without saying a word he smiled gently moving to the side of his futon, tapping the warm spot next to him and it didn’t took long when his second oldest son crawled to him, laying next to him with his sleep toy.

Laying down next to his son, Splinter could hear Raphael’s silent words; “I’m sorry I came in without your permission and woke ya up, father.”

Closing his eyes for a moment with a smile, Splinter sighed gently as he petted the backside of Raphael’s head. “Do not apologize such things, my son. I’m still your father. My support and comfort is always there when any of you need it.”

Splinter could feel how Raphael smiled a bit against his furry chest, nuzzling a bit too in the same way as he did when he was small turtle. Still gently petting his son’s head Splinter spoke again gently.

“I must say I’m happy to see you still have that plush what I gave to you 10 years ago. I thought you threw it away.”

“Yeah, I have keep it in a box under my hammock. I could never throw it away. It’s one of those items what I truly treasure.”

This brought wider gentle smile on Splinter’s face but his smile soon faded as he changed the topic. “Raphael, I must ask you these questions. I don’t mean to make you feel more bad but it’s important to talk. Are you willing to talk with me?”

And Raphael only nodded few times.

“Good. First of all these nightmares of yours. When they started?”

“Some months ago. Every night they turn more and more real and I honestly don’t know at times anymore which is reality and what’s a dream… And that scares me.”

“Do you know what might would have trigger you to have these nightmares?”

“It’s… that what Don told us about that other dimension where he had been missing for 30 years, I had lost my left eye, Leo’s blind, Mikey lost his left arm, you’re dead and Shredder was on control.”

“Yes, I remember all that when Don told about it to us. But how it can cause you the nightmares?”

Raphael swallowed hard licking his lips wet before answering to his father who waited patiently.

“I just started ta think that what if it had been me? I know I can snap when I get too angry and… Maybe I had snap and kill Don throwing his body away, attack on Leo and Mikey too when being snapped… Damn I even might have attack on ya and kill ya. I even might have hurt myself while being snapped.”

“Raphael, nothing shows that you would had done any of it. Your own imagination and more importantly, your fears, are controlling you. You fear so much of harming and losing us that your fears and Don’s story have become your nightmares.”

“How can I stop it? I mean I’m so deep into it already I see hallucinations at times...”

“Forget that what Donatello told us about that other dimension. It’s indeed other dimension and it has nothing to do with us. We can change the future and I think we already have since we know this fact what had happen to us in that time but it doesn’t mean it will happen here too. Secondly start to spend time with your brothers instead of avoiding them. By avoiding you increase your own fears.”

“What if I snap and attack on ‘em?”

“Another fear. Beside you have train with them your whole life. They know your moves like you know theirs but there still would be 3 against 1 so I highly doubt they would let you beat them.”

Looking up at his father Raphael saw that loving shine in Splinter’s eyes and gentle smile, exactly same love and smile what he had receive from his father many times during his life, specially then when he was a little tot. This brought smile on Raphael’s face as he rested his head back on his father’s chest, closing his eyes with deep relaxing sigh. Being half awake, half asleep, Raphael heard his father’s last words.

“Talk with your brothers as well, my son. Sleep well, Raphael.”

–

In the morning Raphael’s eyes opened slowly as he smelled his father’s favorite tea’s scent in the room. Slowly sitting up rubbing his eyes his father’s voice greeted him.

“Good morning, my son. I assume you slept well?”

Turning on his place to meet his father face to face, Raphael nodded. “Yeah, it’s been months when I have slept so well and without nightmares.” Getting on his knees Raphael placed his hands on the floor, bowing deep to his father. “Thank ya, Master.”

Filling second cup with tea Splinter smiled; “No need to thank me, son. I did what any father would had done. Here, come join me.”

Getting up on his feet Raphael came to another side of this small table, getting back on his knees accepting this small mug from his father with a slight bow. He really didn’t like tea but when his father offered him one, he accepted it and drank it slowly while still keeping last night’s conversation up with his father who wanted few more answers.

After finishing his drink with his father Raphael was allowed to leave the room and he headed right to him room, placing his plush bunny under the blanket in his hammock so it would be hidden just in case if Mikey would come in his room. Though Raph knew Mikey wouldn’t dare to come in his room since Mikey had done it once and as a revenge Raph had ordered Mikey his favorite pizza but when Mikey didn’t watch, Raph had added A LOT of salt in it. He had got good laughs about it and Mikey’s expressions had been hilarious after the first big bite.

Coming out from his room and heading to the stairs Raph stopped when he spotted Leo standing at the bottom of the stairs, looking up at him smiling.

“Ah, there you are. I was just coming to look for you.” When Leo was finished Raph had already come down and stood now slightly next to his older brother, keeping his eyes on him looking a bit worried.

“Ya were? Why?”

“Thought you might would like to go out with us. There’s parade today on the streets and since you all have train so hard, I thought I could take you all out to watch it as a reward. Of course we will stay on roofs and shadows but it won’t stop us enjoying the parade, right?”

Rubbing the backside of his head Raphael seemed to hesitate. “Leo… Before we go can I meet ya guys in living room? I have something to tell ya.” Leo seemed to be a bit surprised but nodded and went to get his siblings. It took about an hour after everyone had gather in the living room and Raphael had open up to his brothers telling about his nightmares. It had shocked them but at the same time they understood and offered support to their brother since they were a team. None was never left behind or alone, no matter what.

Sighing in relief Raphael went to get his sais and when he came to lair’s opening, Don was there waiting him. Raising his brow a bit as he stopped in front of his olive green brother he could see right away something was troubling his brother.

“Raphael, I have to apologize. If I would had known my telling about that another dimension would had effect on you like that, I wouldn’t had told about it to you at all. I’m sorry I have cause those nightmares to you.”

“Worry not, Donnie-boy. I’m glad ya told me and it wasn’t your fault my mind started ta play tricks. Tho I must ask a favor… If I ever snap or try ta hurt ya or others, please promise me ya stop me at any cost.”

Donatello nodded after short hesitation but added with a smile; “I promise even I know we don’t need to go that far. You won’t snap.”

“But if I do then ---”

“Then we will use force to tame you.” Both Don and Raph turned to look Leonardo who had appear silently like a shadow next to Donatello, serious and promising expression on his face and that face Raphael knew too well. When Leo had that look on his face, there was no way Leo would break his promise or take back his words. Smile spreading on Raphael’s face he nodded.

“Ya better beat the shit outta me then when and if that happens.”

“You have my word about that.” Leonardo granted small smile to his brother in red who’s smile went wider and he took a hold of his brothers arms, starting to run through the sewers with them, catching up with Mikey who had book them the best places on the best roof just next to parade. While sitting on the roof and watching the parade while still having fun with his brothers after months of avoiding, Raphael promised to himself he would stop fearing and worrying. Instead he would start to think ways how to spend more good time with his brothers and enjoy the time what they had left.

No need to fear or worry the past or the future. Living in this moment and taking all out of it with your loved ones was the best thing what he now could teach to himself. No any nightmares would control him anymore. It was his time to start to fight and gain full control of himself back.

THE END
