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"mimetype": "text/plain", "submission_id": "1510757", "user_id": "220055", "submission_file_order": "0", "full_size_x": null, "full_size_y": null, "screen_size_x": null, "screen_size_y": null, "preview_size_x": null, "preview_size_y": null, "initial_file_md5": "69d92a74f1a0076fa4cef1209873170a", "full_file_md5": "69d92a74f1a0076fa4cef1209873170a", "large_file_md5": "", "small_file_md5": "", "thumbnail_md5": "", "deleted": "f", "create_datetime": "2017-12-30 02:04:54.828301+00", "create_datetime_usertime": "30 Dec 2017 03:04 CET" } ], "pools": [ { "pool_id": "51636", "name": "One shots and short fics", "description": "All my oneshots and short fics can be found here.\nKnow they all are TMNT related.", "count": "23", "submission_left_submission_id": "1506482", "submission_left_file_name": "2133785_NeiNing_2003_raph_x_2016_leo.txt", "submission_right_submission_id": "1510782", "submission_right_file_name": "2140285_NeiNing_happy_new_year_leoxraph_-_ch2.txt" } ], "description": "This is second part to my \"Merry Christmas\" fic. This shows how two turtles' life is getting back to normal after Leo returned from war.", "description_bbcode_parsed": "This is second part to my "Merry Christmas" fic. This shows how two turtles' life is getting back to normal after Leo returned from war.", "writing": "Chapter 1\n\nLeonardo was back home. He really was back home! Raphael couldn’t believe it as he watched sleeping face next to him, feeling enormous happiness filling his heart and soul. Gently running his finger up and down on harsh scaled skin his mind couldn’t stop but to travel back into the night’s happening. Blush burned his cheeks as he remembered every gentle, and rough, touch what Leonardo had given him during the night. Burning kisses on his skin all around his body, taste of Leo’s mouth and skin… his erection. Erotic and loving whispers of passion and love, becoming one with his mate once more after so long time… It all had feel so unreal and yet so wonderful. Almost the same like he felt back then when he and Leo had experience their first time. Smiling shyly to himself Raphael’s gentle yellow orbs kept staying on Leo’s sleeping face.\n\nTurning to look red clock number’s on night table Raphael sighed silently. 3:15am. He wanted to sleep since he felt tired but more than anything he wanted to stay awake and keep watching bigger turtle next to him. Part of him wanted to catch up wasted time while other part was scared to fall asleep. What if this all was a dream? What if Leonardo would be gone next time Raphael opened his eyes? He was too scared to take that chance but sleep was getting a better hold of him.\n\nYawning quietly he moved a bit closer and rested his head on big chest, eyelids immediately slamming shut without mercy. At some point Raph’s consciousness started to get his attention and he was waking up from his slumber. Feeling some small movements under his head Raphael realized it was Leo. Maybe he was trying to get up without waking him? Opening his eyes and looking up at his mate Leonardo’s eyes were still shut but his expression was far from calm and peaceful. He looked rather worried and somehow even scared… and he made small whining sounds. Low and deep.\n\nThen he finally whispered something what froze Raphael on his place.\n\n“Shoot her...” Not sure had he heard right Raph rose on his elbows, keeping his senses sharp and eyes locked on big face. It was obvious Leonardo was getting more restless sweat appearing on his face, his voice getting louder as he gave order again and again.\n\n“Shoot her. Shoot her! SHOOT HER! SHOOT HER!”\n\nAnd all of the sudden Leo’s body jumped and his eyes snapped open with loud gasp which instantly was followed by fast breathing. Blue eyes kept staring at the ceiling and it seemed like Leonardo had no idea where he was so Raphael carefully moved and Leonardo felt it. His head snapped at Raphael’s direction and those blue eyes stared yellow orbs in shock.\n\nRaphael licked his lips once his mind turning wild with thoughts. He didn’t know exactly what he should say, do or ask. Reality coming back into calming mind Leonardo’s eyes turned moist as tears soon after this started to leak out of his eyes, rolling down on his cheeks. Raphael didn’t need to ask anything since he was sure he knew what all this was. Instead of using words of any kind he made his way as close to his love as he could, sealing big head into his arms, kissing the top of Leo’s head. Warm tears were wetting his plastron and neck but he didn’t give a damn since there were bigger issues than that.\n\nIt was both sad and devastating to see Leonardo, his fearless leader who always was so calm and strong, now crying and trembling in his arms totally shattered. War really had got some hold of him… Licking his lips and gently stroking the backside of Leo’s head with his thumb Raphael used his most calming and gentle voice what he could summon out of himself.\n\n“Leonardo.”\n\nHis heart swelled when his name was called fully with such love and gentleness. Raphael rarely used his full name and when he did, it was special case where he wanted to show all his love, support and respect to older turtle.\n\n“I can’t say I know what ya have gone through. I can’t say I know how ya feel but I can say this; My ears are here ta hear ya if ya want ta talk. My heart’s here ta drown ya with love. My arms are here always ta hold ya. I’m here ta be there for ya and support ya in all possible ways. That all ya have and more. Ya got me. All of me.”\n\nLoud sudden sobs escaped between them as Leonardo’s hold around Raphael turned more tight. Gently continuing to pet and kiss Leo’s head Raphael waited. If all this hadn’t teach him anything else, it had taught him patience. Giving Leonardo silence and time was what he needed and soon his head slowly pulled away enough to turn up to face Raphael and his golden eyes. Looking in them Leonardo expected Raph to say something more but he remained quiet. It was a sign for him to talk.\n\nRubbing his eyes Leonardo sighed with silent apologize which Raph replied to with a small kiss on Leo’s nose. Seeing small smile on Leo’s lips for a moment eased this squeezing pain in Raphael’s heart. \n\n“I guess I talked in my sleep.”\n\n“Ya did.”\n\n“Did I… scream ‘shoot her’?”\n\n“Yes. … Do ya want ta talk about it? I will listen and won’t judge.”\n\nHearing it eased Leonardo’s emotions and he found it easier to continue.\n“That day when I called you and one of my men came yelling enemy was attacking us… I took my gun and rushed out to find chaos. There were enemy’s soldiers who were attacking us but I also noticed a group of women approaching us. I instantly knew what they were going to do. Their eyes were hollow… empty. They had given up on their lives already. Most of them… triggered their bombs hidden under their dresses pretty soon after entering in our camp, causing great lost to us. It’s...”\n\nHe stopped and licked his lips keeping his eyes looking down.\n\n“… It’s not easy to see any people to blew up. Blood sprays all around and body parts hits the sand. It was horrible. There’s no way, ever, in life to get used of such thing. It’s more horrible than what you see in TV shows or movies. But… somehow, in my eyes, even that wasn’t as bad what happened next.”\n\nHe kept another pause as images of the events went through in his mind, turning his stomach upside down.\n\n“After everything calmed down, guns turned quiet and dust started to settle some of my men noticed small and scared little girl walking towards them holding a teddy bear. They approached her, telling her it was alright and I noticed how her hold on the bear turned a bit more tighter. I got bad feeling. I knew what she really was. I yelled my men to shoot her since she had a bomb for sure. I told them to kill her but… I can’t blame them since they couldn’t do it. I… I don’t know what went on in my mind but everything suddenly turned into slow motion as I took my gun lifting it, aimed and pulled the trigger. Instantly her small body dropped on the ground limp and my men turned to look at me in shock. I felt so empty when I approached her… It felt like forever before I was next to her picking teddy bear carefully away from her hold before looking under her dress. She had bomb belt on. I… I...”\n\nHiding his face from Raph’s eyes his hands turned into fists. “I got so angry. How the hell they could use a child? Innocent small girl who wasn’t more older than 10 at the most! I took the belt off around her after I noticed some enemies hiding in near by building and tossed belt there as hard as I could with a scream, stepping on the teddy bear when the belt flew inside. And it exploded. Rip cord had indeed been in that bear. I stood still waiting to see or hear the enemy but the silence spoke for them. They weren’t alive. My focus turned back on this girl and her blood was coloring sand near her head red. Only now I realized what I had done.”\n\nHis voice was breaking towards the end, lips trembling and eyes turning watery and burning.\n\n“I killed a child. I shoot her! When I pulled that trigger I became a child’s killer! I didn’t… I didn’t...”\n\nIn this moment Leonardo lost it totally as he started to cry hard but silently again, guilt of shooting a child weightning his heart, soul and mind like nothing ever before. And Raph could feel his pain. Finding it difficult to say something Raphael remained quiet until he was sure he knew what to say.\n\n“Dear, ya did what ya had ta do. I ain’t saying it was easy or pleasant or anything but ya had no other choice. It was either ya and your men or her. Ya, as a team leader, did what ya had ta since ya needed ta protect your team.”\n\n“But I shot a little girl!”\n\n“What your enemy was using coldly. I am sure she was an orphan or one of their own kid and they brainwashed her ta think ya all are bad guys and ya needed to be killed. Maybe they even blackmailed her saying they have her parents and they would hurt them if she wouldn’t kill ya all. If she had a family that is.”\n\nSighing deeply Raphael calmed his raising temper. He couldn’t lose control and let anger take over him now. “Look, Leonardo, what I’m trying ta say is that ya don’t know her backstory. Ya can’t change it what happened, none can’t. It ain’t easy ta live with what ya have done but what other choices ya have? If there would be a button ta undo all that, I would press if for ya. I even would take all that pain and guilt away from ya but nothing like can’t be done.”\n\nHearing only silent sniffs and sobs Raphael kissed Leo’s head once more, holding him firmly in his arms. “But ya know… Ya did her a favor. Ya let her go. Who knows what she had go through or what she would had go through without ya. Taking a life is never easy but I strongly believe ya did a big good thing. She’s in better place now. Not scared or used ever again.”\n\nSlowly looking up blue tear filled eyes shined in dim room. “You don’t think and keep me as child’s murderer?”\n\n“Of course not. In war horrible things happen and ya are forced ta do decisions and stuff what ya would never normally do. Even things what ya are highly against… But know it wasn’t your fault, it was their fault. They sent her there, not ya.”\n\nClosing his eyes Leonardo pressed his nostrils against Raphael’s neck and took deep and calming inhale. Raphael’s scent was soothing and it was something what Leo needed in this moment. He was so thankful Raphael was there with him because without him… Leonardo didn’t even want to think what he would do or how messed up he would be. Many minutes passed in silence as Leo kept seeking comfort from smaller turtle who gave it all to him.\n\n“She had so empty eyes. So gray... So pale face… She was like a zombie.”\n\nRaphael nodded carefully. “They must have scare or torture her to death or something.”\n\n“No any child deserves such faith.”\n\n“No, they don’t. Still there’s some jerks who don’t give a fuck because they are selfish cowards and uses kids instead of coming out ta fight themselves.”\n\nRaphael’s pulse started to speed up, blood rushing faster in his veins. Damn he started to get so damn pissed when he even thought about those shitheads. He so much wished he could had been there with Leo. He would had beat the shit out of those bastards with his fists and smash their skulls. Feeling smaller body starting to tremble Leonardo placed soft kiss on emerald green neck, rubbing his nose gently against warm harsh skin.\n\n“You are getting pissed.”\n\n“Can’t help it. I hate it so much when dicks are using weak people as their pawns.”\n\nThere were no reply from older turtle, just thumb gently rubbing his arm. Feeling the heaviness in the air Leonardo wanted to change the subject but it was hard when his mind kept rolling around the war.\n\n“Raphael?”\n\n“Hm?”\n\n“I… I might have more nightmares or flashbacks… and I’m scared of them. I don’t want them to mess with my mind.” Looking up with desperation in his eyes for the first time Leo took tight hold on Raphael’s hand. “Please, be there for me. I need you.”\n\nIt felt like if his heart got a crack when blue pleading eyes were staring deep into his. Sighing gently with tiny smile on his face Raphael leaned down and kissed Leonardo with all the love what he could transport into this one kiss in this moment. Pulling slightly away foreheads pressed together and arms took tighter hold around the bodies what they were holding.\n\n“I said that before, didn’t I? Ya got all of me and I’m here for ya. Ya wake me up in the middle of the night if ya want and need ta. I don’t mind. I mind it more if ya sit here awake with haunting thoughts and images without daring ta wake me up. I want ta be there awake with ya.”\n\nRaphael’s words were like loving gentle strokes to Leo’s heart and mind, finally bringing him so needed comfort and calmness. Nodding once Leonardo promised with silent whisper he would wake Raphael up if he needed him – and he most surely would need him.\n\nShort silence stayed between them until Raphael had to ask one thing what had been in his mind ever since Leonardo’s return.\n\n“How did ya got that scar?”\n\nRemembering he hadn’t told about it yet Leonardo sighed and laid down better, pulling Raphael gently in his arms.\n\n“I got careless in dangerous situation. It was fist fight with very skilled enemy general after he had stabbed one of my already injured soldier. I rushed there for his aid and in some point the enemy general managed to surprise me when my focus was distracted. He had small blade hidden in his sleeve which he used and cut my face. He aimed for my eyes. It was very obvious since his first slash went just right in front of my eyes. If he would had hit I would had lose both of my eyes. Blind leader can’t lead his troops on the field and he knew it. Slash after slash went past my face and finally one of them hit me when I got distracted by the sounds from my left. Naturally I turned my head and during this movement his blade slashed again and made that cut. Luckily there still was some distant between us so I didn’t lose my eye.”\n\n“What happened to him?” There was a hint of smirk on Raphael’s lips since he had very good idea what had happened but he needed to hear it from Leo himself.\n\n“… I got so angry. It blinded me and it was kind of scary after I realized it. But in that moment I just… I hit him so hard on the face with my fist, feeling how his nose broke against my knuckle. His voice filled with pain and he dropped the knife in the sand. He tried to withdraw but I reached for his neck with my hand keeping him still as I picked blade up. I felt so huge anger towards him even that I saw fear in his eyes for the first time ever. I think none never hasn’t fear me like he did. My hold on his neck got tighter as I blocked his airways… and… I snapped, Raphael. I stabbed him once and after that I just kept stabbing him over and over again, more and more harder with each time. At times I felt like whole blade with my hand would go inside his body. He fell on the ground but I never released my hold on his throat or stopped stabbing. I got on him while I kept strangling and stabbing him and I didn’t stop until my men came to pull me off of him saying he had died long time ago.”\n\nSighing deep Leonardo closed his eyes, sensing stunned Raphael staying stiff and still in his arms.\n“War makes even kindest of us horrible blood thirsty monsters, don’t you think?”\n\n“Perhaps. I mean I must admit it’s a bit horrifying to imagine you doing all that but then again you were saving your own life, protecting yourself. There’s many ways how people react to it. Some people, in situation where their life is at stake, either give up right away and die. Some fight but die anyway. Some use their mind, pretend to be dead and survive. Some fight and win and some just snap and do whatever they can to survive. I think last one fits to you.”\n\n“Hmm. Perhaps. But know I never want to experience that same feeling of anger ever again.”\n\n“But now ya know how I feel when I get really, really angry.”\n\nTo this Leonardo didn’t know how to reply but now he understood Raphael a lot better. Oh so much more better. Deciding it was enough for now both turtles laid down in each others arms staring at the ceiling, listening each others breathing in silence which, eventually, lulled them both into a peaceful sleep.\n\n– \n\nMonths had passed already and for weeks Leonardo had nightmares at nights and flashbacks during days – especially then when some loud bang was heard somewhere. It took Raphael some minutes to calm his mate and assure him everything was fine. In bed however no words usually were needed but there were times when both turtles just sat on the bed, Raph silently listening how Leonardo kept telling more about the war and the dreams what haunted him. When Leonardo had told most heaviest thoughts Raphael had found himself being amazingly calm and deliver right words to his mate. It had surprised Raphael himself since he had no idea where such wisdom had come from but the main point still was his words, in all those times at days and nights, had brought comfort and peace to his lover.\n\nStanding in front of the stove gently mixing their food in warming pan blue eyes turned to take a look of emerald green figure sitting in a wheelchair by his side cleaning kitchen level.\n\n“You’re sure you aren’t regretting for not going out to eat tonight?”\n\n“No. Besides we need ta save money. As much as I like ta eat out, we can’t do that every evening.” Stopping Raphael sighed deep. “Besides I can’t force ya ta carry me and my wheelchair up and down those stairs every damn day. It ain’t right.”\n\nSeeing the pain in Raphael’s eyes while he still kept wiping that small clean spot already, Leonardo leaned to kiss top of Raph’s head.\n\n“You know I would do anything for you.”\n\n“Yeah, I know but I ain’t wanting ta use ya.”\n\nLeonardo knew all this. He knew how Raph felt and what he thought but such thoughts never hadn’t cross his own mind. He wanted to reply something to his lover but decided otherwise. Instead they both stayed side by side in silence, even during dining. It was kind of heavy silence but neither one of them wanted to break it.\n\nAfter finishing dinner in silence Leonardo stayed behind to do the dishes while Raph made his way into living room, stopping next to their couch under a tall stall lamp. Turning it on he reached down on his knitting basket. Fingers wrapped gently but firmly around the ball of yarn. Lifting his work up Raph started to knit while listening the sounds from TV and kitchen.\nHe didn’t lift his gaze up even then when his mate sat on the couch with a book. However he noticed how Leo took a look of TV and then him before starting to read. When the silence had been heavy and kind of bad in the kitchen here it was opposite. It was light, gentle and warm.\n\nLifting his yellow eyes off from his knitting his eyes focused on scanning beautiful home on TV while he kept on knitting.\n\n“… That house looks pretty nice.”\n\nRaphael’s voice snapped Leo out from his reading and he too lifted his gaze from book on the screen.\n\n“That’s very big and pretty.”\n\n“And mostly fucking expensive.” Sighing Raph lowered his gaze down. “We can only dream about a house like that. We are stuck in this fucking box...”\n\nWhat Raph really had meant was that he was stuck in this current house of theirs but he couldn’t say it out loud but Leo was smart to read between his lines instantly. Leo wanted, more than anything, to offer Raph a bigger and better home to live in since he had seen how Raph had difficulties to move in this one with his wheelchair. When he hurt his hands on the walls while reaching to wheels, when wheels got stuck on the table’s foot and so on. Little annoying things which made Raphael furious. Leonardo had forgot how much, and bad, Raph cursed when being in a bad mood.\n\nNot knowing what to say Leo closed his book while standing up, reaching to place his precious item on living room’s table.\n\n“Well, I don’t know about you but it’s getting late and I’m tired. I go take a shower, enjoy some nice tea and then I will head to bed.” Normally Leo would go and kiss Raph but this time he decided not to. It was written all around Raph’s face he should keep away since his mate wasn’t in his most happiest mood. Withdrawing to bathroom made Raph put his knitting away, slowly coming to living room’s doorway. Hearing water running in bathroom he made his way in kitchen to boil some water. Filling Leonardo’s favorite mug almost full Raph pushed it further away from himself for safety reasons.\n\nNext task was a bit more challenging but Raph was sure he could make it. Locking back wheels Raph started to reach up to cabin where Leo kept his teas. His legs were paralyzed from knee down but it didn’t stop Raph to push himself up on kitchen level and lean against it, holding him firmly on his place. Even that his legs weren’t in use or strong he still had rest of his body in perfect shape, having its unique strength as well. Sweat shone on his skin when his fingertips were touching Leo’s favorite tea package and since his palm had been flat against kitchen level it had sweat and his hand slipped.\n\nIt all happened so fast when he fell down hitting his chin hard on the edge of level, crashing on the floor with split open chin. Hearing loud ‘bam’ sound startled Leo who instantly turned shower off. Stepping out he didn’t bother to dry himself as he wrapped towel around his waist while calling Raphael. Not getting answer turned his heart cold and he rushed into kitchen seeing Raph laying on the floor, face hidden between strong arms.\n\n“Raphael!” Kneeling next to his mate his first reaction was to touch green shoulder but his hand was shook off. “Are you alright? Are you hurt? Please talk to me, beautiful.” But no. Raph didn’t say a thing. Observing his body language Leonardo soon realized Raph wasn’t hurt physically, at least not bad, but mentally… Those green shoulders trembled so much as silent sounds of crying could be heard. Not minding about his hand being pushed away before Leonardo sat down on the floor rubbing harsh skin of Raphael’s neck and shoulders slow and gently, hoping it would calm his partner’s broken emotions.\n\nIt must had took around 20 minute before Raphael calmed enough to stop crying and lift his head enough to wipe his eyes. Giving him all the time what he needed Leonardo remained silent by his side, allowing Raph to make the first move.\n\n“… C-could ya help me up?”\n\nLeonardo didn’t hesitate nor replied anything as he stood and helped Raphael back up to sit on his chair. Kneeling down in front of Raph his blue eyes saw nasty split on Raph’s chin but it had stopped bleeding. All dried blood needed to be cleaned away from his chin tho. Seeing Leo wetting a piece of kitchen roll Raphael wanted to protest but couldn’t after seeing the look in Leo’s eyes when he came back to him. Gently starting to tap and wipe the blood off, avoiding the split, Leonardo almost whispered.\n\n“What were you doing? You could have hurt yourself so bad.”\n\nFeeling foolish, stupid and embarrassed Raph lowered his eyes in his lap. “I… I wanted ta make ya yer tea ready. So that ya could go ta bed sooner and get yer rest.”\n\nThe thought warmed Leo’s heart but having his beloved hurt didn’t. Small smile spread on his lips nonetheless and he needed to reach to kiss Raphael’s green forehead. “Beautiful, listen. I’m so touched you wanted to make me such lovely thing but I don’t want you to do it with the cause of your health. Your health means me the most and I don’t want you to get hurt like this again.”\n\n“But I wanted ta spoil ya a bit. Ya know, like how ya spoil me every day.”\n\n“And I have nothing against it. But I don’t want you to try to reach anything from higher cabins ever again. I can move some of my tea packages in lower cabinet where you can reach it when and if you want to make some tea for me.”\n\nSeeing hands turning into familiar fists he knew his words had hit sensitive spot. It hurt and pissed Raph off so much because he now had to have everything in low levels for him to reach them. Standing up and hugging his shaking body Leonardo once more kissed Raphael’s head.\n\n“I love you.” To this he got no reply and he didn’t got his evening tea either.\n\n–\n\nLast 6 months had been weird what Raph had noticed. At first everything had been fine and then one day, suddenly, Leonardo’s behavior had changed. He normally spent his days at home with Raph or took him out but no, not anymore. Instead Leo went alone on his own. For too long Raph had watched this but now his limit was full. He needed and wanted answers.\n\nWatching Leonardo dressing up once more in a hallway with his winter clothes Raphael couldn’t hide his anger.\n\n“Ya going out – Again?”\n\n“Uh, yeah. Sorry, but I have to go.”\n\n“Why? Where?”\n\n“I will be seeing a friend in a cafe.”\n\n“A friend who I don’t know?”\n\n“No, you don’t know him.”\n\nThis suddenly stung Raph’s heart so bad and instantly he blurted out the first thought, and fear, out loud with anger; “Yer cheating on me?!”\n\nLeo almost choked on his own saliva as his eyes widened. “W-what?!”\n\nComing a bit closer Raphael snarled; “Be honest, are ya cheating on me?”\n\n“What do you think I am? Of course I’m not cheating on you!”\n\n“Oh, really? Then tell me – Is it him who ya have been sneaking out ta see all these few last months?”\n\nSeeing no point in lying or avoiding Leo’s head nodded which was something what Raph had not wanted to see.\n\n“So ya are cheating! How fucking could ya!?”\n\n“Raph, please, I will explain everything later.”\n\n“Why can’t ya do it now?!”\n\n“Because I’m late already.”\n\nSnorting with cocky laugh Raphael’s eyes sparked with anger. “Oh, sure. Ya two have a schedule where and when ya guys meet ta fuck?”\n\n“Raphael, that’s really unnecessary.”\n\n“So I am right!”\n\n“No you’re not.”\n\n“Of course ya sneak out ta see someone who can WALK! Who ya can take out without carrying him up and down the stairs! Of course ya are seeing someone who ya don’t need ta be embarrassed about! Someone who ain’t as miserable and handicap as I am!”\n\nHearing pain in Raphael’s voice didn’t make his leaving any easier but without a word Leo turned towards the door, placing his hand on the knob when Raph’s voice stopped him.\n\n“I swear, Leo! If ya go out now ta meet him ya can forget of coming back home! We are over if ya step out through that door!”\n\nHis heart was hammering in pain but he had to do this. Turning to look his beloved mate still hand on the knob, Leonardo sighed deeply with sadness in his eyes. “Don’t say such thing, Raph. Those words really hurt.”\n\n“Not as much as yer actions and lies have hurt me. Go and ya never come back.”\n\nSwallowing once Leonardo held his eyes on Raphael’s. “Then so be it.” With one firm push Leonardo opened the door and stepped out. Taking one last look of his horrified mate’s face he still couldn’t stop himself from whispering; “I love you.”\n\nWatching the door closing in front of him felt so unreal. Leonardo just hadn’t walked out and go see someone else…? Horrible pain and panic filled his whole being to the very core with anger. He felt so messed up right now that only thing what he could do was scream his lungs out. He didn’t even care if the neighbors would hear it. If he still would had been able to walk he would go somewhere to throw and smash things but instead he went into their bedroom where his punching bag was placed. Beating the poor bag with bear fists eventually made his knuckles bleed but he didn’t care even that he noticed blood spots appearing on his bag after every hit. Physical pain was something what he very rarely even felt in these days but emotional pain… It was something what hang there for days, sometimes weeks and months.\n\nThis torment inside he couldn’t take and the fear he had lost his most beloved person to someone… Just because his self-esteem was so low, always fearing deep inside Leo eventually would find and go with someone who could walk and run beside him, go anywhere with him unlike him. Another issue was bedroom. They both loved sex, they honestly did, but it had become boring since it was always the same position without any excitement. Perhaps this new guy was even better, and wilder, in bed.\n\nStopping bag from swinging Raph kept holding it still, pressing his sweaty forehead against cool and bloody leather. Burning sensation in his eyes once more forced him to close them, uncontrollable tears pouring out on his cheeks between eye lids.\n\n–\n\nLater that same evening Leonardo came home. It was kind of late already and he assumed Raph to be sleeping but instead he found him sitting in his chair in dark living room. Welcome wasn’t all that warm what Leo had prepared to.\n\n“Why are ya here?”\n\n“This is still my home, Raph.” Approaching him it became obvious soon Raph had been crying. His eyes were swollen and reddish and his body tensed. He still had some anger inside him and Leo couldn’t blame him for that. Sitting down on his usual spot on the couch Leonardo leaned on his thighs, crossing his fingers.\n\n“Raphael, listen. We need to talk.”\n\n“Shut it. Nothing what ya say can make this better. Ya are cheating on me and that’s final.”\n\n“You’re not giving me a chance to tell you what’s - “\n\n“I ain’t wanting ta hear those words!” There was pain in Raphael’s voice so Leonardo decided not to even try to talk.\n\n“Fine then. Let me show you instead.”\n\nRaphael’s laugh was loud, short and kind of maniac-like. “Ya wanna show him ta me like some trophy now?!”\n\n“Trust me – it’s better if I show you.”\n\n“And what if I don’t wanna see it?”\n\nStanding up Leonardo gave stern look down at Raphael’s glowing yellow eyes. “I wasn’t asking. Go dress up with warm clothes. It’s cold outside.”\n\n“Make me, ya fucker!”\n\nLeonardo had have enough. With few bigger steps he stopped in front of surprised turtle slamming his hands hard on wheelchair’s armrests, fury brightening his usually calm blue eyes.\n\n“Raphael Hamato! You go in that fucking bedroom and dress up! No argues since I have had enough of your bullshit! We go out and solve this shit once and for all! Go!”\n\nStunned by Leonardo’s aggressive behavior and anger Raphael couldn’t do more than stare into those blue flaming eyes, his own eyes and mouth wide open in shock. But without a word or protest he did obey older and bigger turtle sealing himself in bedroom. Watching door closing instant guilty wave flooded over Leo making him take step after Raphael but he halted. No. He couldn’t go after his lover right away. It was better to give him time. Another part of him was worried could Raph be able to dress himself but then again Raph had lived alone a year while Leo had been in a war and in that time he had become very independent… even much more than Leonardo would had liked to admit. Nonetheless he was happy for Raph and how well he had done.\n\nDoor finally opened and Raphael slowly made his way into hallway where Leo followed, giving him winter jacket and while Raphael put it on Leonardo gently placed Raphael’s feet in warm winter boots, spreading warm blanket on his legs. They needed to stay warm after all.\n\n“Can ya carry me like this?” Raphael’s voice was small. Like if he was afraid of Leonardo.\n\n“No but I can gently lower you down stair by stair.” Feeling nervous Raphael only nodded as they headed out from the apartment. When Leonardo pushed him towards the stairs fear started to sneak in his mind. What if Leo’s hold would slip? Or perhaps Leo would push him down? First stair was horrible and Raph almost yelped, holding so tight on the armrests it almost turned his knuckles white. Seeing this and so tensed body Leonardo did what he could do comfort his fearful partner.\n\n“It’s okay. I’m not letting you go. You’re safe.” Raphael remained silent since he didn’t trust his voice at the moment. He was trembling in and out so bad with fear and nervousness. When the last stair, after 5 levels, was behind Raph could sigh in relief and relax as they approached front door. Feeling cold air hitting his face sent chills to his spine but yet he welcomed it all. Fresh air, sounds of city, seeing people on ground level instead behind 5th floor window was nice change which instantly made his mind more clear.\n\nInstead of taking Raphael to underground Leonardo took him to parking area, approaching one higher car. In confusion Raph looked at the car when Leo opened the door starting to help Raph on front seat. Grabbing on bigger arms their eyes finally met and stayed on each other.\n\n“A… Are… I mean… Is this…? Where did ya…?” Raphael was confused which brought small smile on light green lips.\n\n“It’s okay. I haven’t steal this car or anything. He borrowed it to me.”\n\nHE?! Looking inside the car better Raph felt his stomach turn. He was sitting in HIS car! He didn’t want to be there. Not in a vehicle what belong to some pervert who had been sleeping with his man. Trying to get out of the car back to his wheelchair Leonardo held Raph still convincing it was all good and he wouldn’t need to sit there for too long.\n\nSwallowing lump in his throat Raphael had no other choice but to give in. Door slamming shut next to him after his legs were inside safe and sound made his stomach turn once more. He didn’t want to be there. Not in this car. He rather would had take a buss, taxi or metro but no. Leonardo sat on driver’s seat closing the door behind him. Feeling the car start and the sound of its motor reminded Raphael about his own motorcycle what he no longer had…\n\nFeeling tears raising into his eyes he turned to look out as Leo drove forward on the road. His precious shellcycle what Don had build for him. He no longer had it. In an accident with a truck his bike had smashed so bad it wasn’t reparable and when Don said something like that Raph believed it. Back then, while laying on that hospital’s bed he had found out his bike was smashed and on top of that his L4 and L5 bones had damaged so he had lost his legs knee below as well with bigger piece of his lower shell. Not being able to drive, walk, run, jump on rooftops… All that was instantly taken from him. It had been so heavy blow that Raphael even had thought about suicide few times. If it wasn’t for Leo he would had done it.\n\nLeo.\n\nTurning to look the turtle beside him from the corner of his eye Raphael thought about their past more while silence remained inside the car. Leonardo looked so calm and focused... like he had back then when he had stated to agree to live with Raphael and take care of him. It had been confusing, surprising and also infuriating since Raph didn’t need a babysitter. True, he didn’t but he needed a helping hand and Leonardo surely had been very good at it. For example Leonardo, during Raphael’s recovery time in hospital, had been looking apartment for them since they couldn’t go and stay in April’s place anymore because of Raph’s need for a wheelchair.\n\nAnd Leonardo had found them a place - their current apartment. It hadn’t been all that what Leonardo apparently had wished and hoped but it was something what they took in a time of need. After few months from leaving the hospital and living with Leo he one evening had confessed his warmer feelings to young turtle. Surprised by this Raphael hadn’t been able to say anything but he had thought about it since he had realized the way how older turtle looked at him at times had changed. \n\nDespite the fact Raphael also had warmer feelings towards his companion he hadn’t been able to say it but he had started to try to show it with small gestures. Leonardo had picked up with the hints pretty quick. Their first romantic and more closer moment had been few weeks after “confessions” in a bathtub. Leonardo had prepared nice warm bath for Raph helping him in there. Without a word, however, Leo had undress himself and slid in the tub behind Raphael, just gently holding him close in his arms.\n\nIt had been embarrassing and somewhat encouraging, nice even. Being in warm water against big strong body feeling warm breathing hitting the backside of your head, big arms around holding you ever so gently while fingertips slowly ran up and down on the skin… Remembering all that filled Raphael’s stomach with butterflies making his whole body tingle with happiness and erotic memory, chuckling shortly and silently to himself.\n\nHis silent chuckling and smile what stayed on his lips weren’t unnoticed by Leonardo but he remained silent and calm. Whatever had improved Raphael’s mood was good and blue eyed turtle didn’t want to go ruin it by asking anything about it. Parking car at the parking area in front of high building Leo shut down the engine stepping out. Raphael patiently waited his help to get out of the car, gently and slowly being placed in his chair. Feeling his stomach starting to turn around with thoughts Leo had brought him to see his secret lover wiped all those previous nice memories and happy feelings away.", "writing_bbcode_parsed": "Chapter 1

Leonardo was back home. He really was back home! Raphael couldn’t believe it as he watched sleeping face next to him, feeling enormous happiness filling his heart and soul. Gently running his finger up and down on harsh scaled skin his mind couldn’t stop but to travel back into the night’s happening. Blush burned his cheeks as he remembered every gentle, and rough, touch what Leonardo had given him during the night. Burning kisses on his skin all around his body, taste of Leo’s mouth and skin… his erection. Erotic and loving whispers of passion and love, becoming one with his mate once more after so long time… It all had feel so unreal and yet so wonderful. Almost the same like he felt back then when he and Leo had experience their first time. Smiling shyly to himself Raphael’s gentle yellow orbs kept staying on Leo’s sleeping face.

Turning to look red clock number’s on night table Raphael sighed silently. 3:15am. He wanted to sleep since he felt tired but more than anything he wanted to stay awake and keep watching bigger turtle next to him. Part of him wanted to catch up wasted time while other part was scared to fall asleep. What if this all was a dream? What if Leonardo would be gone next time Raphael opened his eyes? He was too scared to take that chance but sleep was getting a better hold of him.

Yawning quietly he moved a bit closer and rested his head on big chest, eyelids immediately slamming shut without mercy. At some point Raph’s consciousness started to get his attention and he was waking up from his slumber. Feeling some small movements under his head Raphael realized it was Leo. Maybe he was trying to get up without waking him? Opening his eyes and looking up at his mate Leonardo’s eyes were still shut but his expression was far from calm and peaceful. He looked rather worried and somehow even scared… and he made small whining sounds. Low and deep.

Then he finally whispered something what froze Raphael on his place.

“Shoot her...” Not sure had he heard right Raph rose on his elbows, keeping his senses sharp and eyes locked on big face. It was obvious Leonardo was getting more restless sweat appearing on his face, his voice getting louder as he gave order again and again.

“Shoot her. Shoot her! SHOOT HER! SHOOT HER!”

And all of the sudden Leo’s body jumped and his eyes snapped open with loud gasp which instantly was followed by fast breathing. Blue eyes kept staring at the ceiling and it seemed like Leonardo had no idea where he was so Raphael carefully moved and Leonardo felt it. His head snapped at Raphael’s direction and those blue eyes stared yellow orbs in shock.

Raphael licked his lips once his mind turning wild with thoughts. He didn’t know exactly what he should say, do or ask. Reality coming back into calming mind Leonardo’s eyes turned moist as tears soon after this started to leak out of his eyes, rolling down on his cheeks. Raphael didn’t need to ask anything since he was sure he knew what all this was. Instead of using words of any kind he made his way as close to his love as he could, sealing big head into his arms, kissing the top of Leo’s head. Warm tears were wetting his plastron and neck but he didn’t give a damn since there were bigger issues than that.

It was both sad and devastating to see Leonardo, his fearless leader who always was so calm and strong, now crying and trembling in his arms totally shattered. War really had got some hold of him… Licking his lips and gently stroking the backside of Leo’s head with his thumb Raphael used his most calming and gentle voice what he could summon out of himself.

“Leonardo.”

His heart swelled when his name was called fully with such love and gentleness. Raphael rarely used his full name and when he did, it was special case where he wanted to show all his love, support and respect to older turtle.

“I can’t say I know what ya have gone through. I can’t say I know how ya feel but I can say this; My ears are here ta hear ya if ya want ta talk. My heart’s here ta drown ya with love. My arms are here always ta hold ya. I’m here ta be there for ya and support ya in all possible ways. That all ya have and more. Ya got me. All of me.”

Loud sudden sobs escaped between them as Leonardo’s hold around Raphael turned more tight. Gently continuing to pet and kiss Leo’s head Raphael waited. If all this hadn’t teach him anything else, it had taught him patience. Giving Leonardo silence and time was what he needed and soon his head slowly pulled away enough to turn up to face Raphael and his golden eyes. Looking in them Leonardo expected Raph to say something more but he remained quiet. It was a sign for him to talk.

Rubbing his eyes Leonardo sighed with silent apologize which Raph replied to with a small kiss on Leo’s nose. Seeing small smile on Leo’s lips for a moment eased this squeezing pain in Raphael’s heart.

“I guess I talked in my sleep.”

“Ya did.”

“Did I… scream ‘shoot her’?”

“Yes. … Do ya want ta talk about it? I will listen and won’t judge.”

Hearing it eased Leonardo’s emotions and he found it easier to continue.
“That day when I called you and one of my men came yelling enemy was attacking us… I took my gun and rushed out to find chaos. There were enemy’s soldiers who were attacking us but I also noticed a group of women approaching us. I instantly knew what they were going to do. Their eyes were hollow… empty. They had given up on their lives already. Most of them… triggered their bombs hidden under their dresses pretty soon after entering in our camp, causing great lost to us. It’s...”

He stopped and licked his lips keeping his eyes looking down.

“… It’s not easy to see any people to blew up. Blood sprays all around and body parts hits the sand. It was horrible. There’s no way, ever, in life to get used of such thing. It’s more horrible than what you see in TV shows or movies. But… somehow, in my eyes, even that wasn’t as bad what happened next.”

He kept another pause as images of the events went through in his mind, turning his stomach upside down.

“After everything calmed down, guns turned quiet and dust started to settle some of my men noticed small and scared little girl walking towards them holding a teddy bear. They approached her, telling her it was alright and I noticed how her hold on the bear turned a bit more tighter. I got bad feeling. I knew what she really was. I yelled my men to shoot her since she had a bomb for sure. I told them to kill her but… I can’t blame them since they couldn’t do it. I… I don’t know what went on in my mind but everything suddenly turned into slow motion as I took my gun lifting it, aimed and pulled the trigger. Instantly her small body dropped on the ground limp and my men turned to look at me in shock. I felt so empty when I approached her… It felt like forever before I was next to her picking teddy bear carefully away from her hold before looking under her dress. She had bomb belt on. I… I...”

Hiding his face from Raph’s eyes his hands turned into fists. “I got so angry. How the hell they could use a child? Innocent small girl who wasn’t more older than 10 at the most! I took the belt off around her after I noticed some enemies hiding in near by building and tossed belt there as hard as I could with a scream, stepping on the teddy bear when the belt flew inside. And it exploded. Rip cord had indeed been in that bear. I stood still waiting to see or hear the enemy but the silence spoke for them. They weren’t alive. My focus turned back on this girl and her blood was coloring sand near her head red. Only now I realized what I had done.”

His voice was breaking towards the end, lips trembling and eyes turning watery and burning.

“I killed a child. I shoot her! When I pulled that trigger I became a child’s killer! I didn’t… I didn’t...”

In this moment Leonardo lost it totally as he started to cry hard but silently again, guilt of shooting a child weightning his heart, soul and mind like nothing ever before. And Raph could feel his pain. Finding it difficult to say something Raphael remained quiet until he was sure he knew what to say.

“Dear, ya did what ya had ta do. I ain’t saying it was easy or pleasant or anything but ya had no other choice. It was either ya and your men or her. Ya, as a team leader, did what ya had ta since ya needed ta protect your team.”

“But I shot a little girl!”

“What your enemy was using coldly. I am sure she was an orphan or one of their own kid and they brainwashed her ta think ya all are bad guys and ya needed to be killed. Maybe they even blackmailed her saying they have her parents and they would hurt them if she wouldn’t kill ya all. If she had a family that is.”

Sighing deeply Raphael calmed his raising temper. He couldn’t lose control and let anger take over him now. “Look, Leonardo, what I’m trying ta say is that ya don’t know her backstory. Ya can’t change it what happened, none can’t. It ain’t easy ta live with what ya have done but what other choices ya have? If there would be a button ta undo all that, I would press if for ya. I even would take all that pain and guilt away from ya but nothing like can’t be done.”

Hearing only silent sniffs and sobs Raphael kissed Leo’s head once more, holding him firmly in his arms. “But ya know… Ya did her a favor. Ya let her go. Who knows what she had go through or what she would had go through without ya. Taking a life is never easy but I strongly believe ya did a big good thing. She’s in better place now. Not scared or used ever again.”

Slowly looking up blue tear filled eyes shined in dim room. “You don’t think and keep me as child’s murderer?”

“Of course not. In war horrible things happen and ya are forced ta do decisions and stuff what ya would never normally do. Even things what ya are highly against… But know it wasn’t your fault, it was their fault. They sent her there, not ya.”

Closing his eyes Leonardo pressed his nostrils against Raphael’s neck and took deep and calming inhale. Raphael’s scent was soothing and it was something what Leo needed in this moment. He was so thankful Raphael was there with him because without him… Leonardo didn’t even want to think what he would do or how messed up he would be. Many minutes passed in silence as Leo kept seeking comfort from smaller turtle who gave it all to him.

“She had so empty eyes. So gray... So pale face… She was like a zombie.”

Raphael nodded carefully. “They must have scare or torture her to death or something.”

“No any child deserves such faith.”

“No, they don’t. Still there’s some jerks who don’t give a fuck because they are selfish cowards and uses kids instead of coming out ta fight themselves.”

Raphael’s pulse started to speed up, blood rushing faster in his veins. Damn he started to get so damn pissed when he even thought about those shitheads. He so much wished he could had been there with Leo. He would had beat the shit out of those bastards with his fists and smash their skulls. Feeling smaller body starting to tremble Leonardo placed soft kiss on emerald green neck, rubbing his nose gently against warm harsh skin.

“You are getting pissed.”

“Can’t help it. I hate it so much when dicks are using weak people as their pawns.”

There were no reply from older turtle, just thumb gently rubbing his arm. Feeling the heaviness in the air Leonardo wanted to change the subject but it was hard when his mind kept rolling around the war.

“Raphael?”

“Hm?”

“I… I might have more nightmares or flashbacks… and I’m scared of them. I don’t want them to mess with my mind.” Looking up with desperation in his eyes for the first time Leo took tight hold on Raphael’s hand. “Please, be there for me. I need you.”

It felt like if his heart got a crack when blue pleading eyes were staring deep into his. Sighing gently with tiny smile on his face Raphael leaned down and kissed Leonardo with all the love what he could transport into this one kiss in this moment. Pulling slightly away foreheads pressed together and arms took tighter hold around the bodies what they were holding.

“I said that before, didn’t I? Ya got all of me and I’m here for ya. Ya wake me up in the middle of the night if ya want and need ta. I don’t mind. I mind it more if ya sit here awake with haunting thoughts and images without daring ta wake me up. I want ta be there awake with ya.”

Raphael’s words were like loving gentle strokes to Leo’s heart and mind, finally bringing him so needed comfort and calmness. Nodding once Leonardo promised with silent whisper he would wake Raphael up if he needed him – and he most surely would need him.

Short silence stayed between them until Raphael had to ask one thing what had been in his mind ever since Leonardo’s return.

“How did ya got that scar?”

Remembering he hadn’t told about it yet Leonardo sighed and laid down better, pulling Raphael gently in his arms.

“I got careless in dangerous situation. It was fist fight with very skilled enemy general after he had stabbed one of my already injured soldier. I rushed there for his aid and in some point the enemy general managed to surprise me when my focus was distracted. He had small blade hidden in his sleeve which he used and cut my face. He aimed for my eyes. It was very obvious since his first slash went just right in front of my eyes. If he would had hit I would had lose both of my eyes. Blind leader can’t lead his troops on the field and he knew it. Slash after slash went past my face and finally one of them hit me when I got distracted by the sounds from my left. Naturally I turned my head and during this movement his blade slashed again and made that cut. Luckily there still was some distant between us so I didn’t lose my eye.”

“What happened to him?” There was a hint of smirk on Raphael’s lips since he had very good idea what had happened but he needed to hear it from Leo himself.

“… I got so angry. It blinded me and it was kind of scary after I realized it. But in that moment I just… I hit him so hard on the face with my fist, feeling how his nose broke against my knuckle. His voice filled with pain and he dropped the knife in the sand. He tried to withdraw but I reached for his neck with my hand keeping him still as I picked blade up. I felt so huge anger towards him even that I saw fear in his eyes for the first time ever. I think none never hasn’t fear me like he did. My hold on his neck got tighter as I blocked his airways… and… I snapped, Raphael. I stabbed him once and after that I just kept stabbing him over and over again, more and more harder with each time. At times I felt like whole blade with my hand would go inside his body. He fell on the ground but I never released my hold on his throat or stopped stabbing. I got on him while I kept strangling and stabbing him and I didn’t stop until my men came to pull me off of him saying he had died long time ago.”

Sighing deep Leonardo closed his eyes, sensing stunned Raphael staying stiff and still in his arms.
“War makes even kindest of us horrible blood thirsty monsters, don’t you think?”

“Perhaps. I mean I must admit it’s a bit horrifying to imagine you doing all that but then again you were saving your own life, protecting yourself. There’s many ways how people react to it. Some people, in situation where their life is at stake, either give up right away and die. Some fight but die anyway. Some use their mind, pretend to be dead and survive. Some fight and win and some just snap and do whatever they can to survive. I think last one fits to you.”

“Hmm. Perhaps. But know I never want to experience that same feeling of anger ever again.”

“But now ya know how I feel when I get really, really angry.”

To this Leonardo didn’t know how to reply but now he understood Raphael a lot better. Oh so much more better. Deciding it was enough for now both turtles laid down in each others arms staring at the ceiling, listening each others breathing in silence which, eventually, lulled them both into a peaceful sleep.

–

Months had passed already and for weeks Leonardo had nightmares at nights and flashbacks during days – especially then when some loud bang was heard somewhere. It took Raphael some minutes to calm his mate and assure him everything was fine. In bed however no words usually were needed but there were times when both turtles just sat on the bed, Raph silently listening how Leonardo kept telling more about the war and the dreams what haunted him. When Leonardo had told most heaviest thoughts Raphael had found himself being amazingly calm and deliver right words to his mate. It had surprised Raphael himself since he had no idea where such wisdom had come from but the main point still was his words, in all those times at days and nights, had brought comfort and peace to his lover.

Standing in front of the stove gently mixing their food in warming pan blue eyes turned to take a look of emerald green figure sitting in a wheelchair by his side cleaning kitchen level.

“You’re sure you aren’t regretting for not going out to eat tonight?”

“No. Besides we need ta save money. As much as I like ta eat out, we can’t do that every evening.” Stopping Raphael sighed deep. “Besides I can’t force ya ta carry me and my wheelchair up and down those stairs every damn day. It ain’t right.”

Seeing the pain in Raphael’s eyes while he still kept wiping that small clean spot already, Leonardo leaned to kiss top of Raph’s head.

“You know I would do anything for you.”

“Yeah, I know but I ain’t wanting ta use ya.”

Leonardo knew all this. He knew how Raph felt and what he thought but such thoughts never hadn’t cross his own mind. He wanted to reply something to his lover but decided otherwise. Instead they both stayed side by side in silence, even during dining. It was kind of heavy silence but neither one of them wanted to break it.

After finishing dinner in silence Leonardo stayed behind to do the dishes while Raph made his way into living room, stopping next to their couch under a tall stall lamp. Turning it on he reached down on his knitting basket. Fingers wrapped gently but firmly around the ball of yarn. Lifting his work up Raph started to knit while listening the sounds from TV and kitchen.
He didn’t lift his gaze up even then when his mate sat on the couch with a book. However he noticed how Leo took a look of TV and then him before starting to read. When the silence had been heavy and kind of bad in the kitchen here it was opposite. It was light, gentle and warm.

Lifting his yellow eyes off from his knitting his eyes focused on scanning beautiful home on TV while he kept on knitting.

“… That house looks pretty nice.”

Raphael’s voice snapped Leo out from his reading and he too lifted his gaze from book on the screen.

“That’s very big and pretty.”

“And mostly fucking expensive.” Sighing Raph lowered his gaze down. “We can only dream about a house like that. We are stuck in this fucking box...”

What Raph really had meant was that he was stuck in this current house of theirs but he couldn’t say it out loud but Leo was smart to read between his lines instantly. Leo wanted, more than anything, to offer Raph a bigger and better home to live in since he had seen how Raph had difficulties to move in this one with his wheelchair. When he hurt his hands on the walls while reaching to wheels, when wheels got stuck on the table’s foot and so on. Little annoying things which made Raphael furious. Leonardo had forgot how much, and bad, Raph cursed when being in a bad mood.

Not knowing what to say Leo closed his book while standing up, reaching to place his precious item on living room’s table.

“Well, I don’t know about you but it’s getting late and I’m tired. I go take a shower, enjoy some nice tea and then I will head to bed.” Normally Leo would go and kiss Raph but this time he decided not to. It was written all around Raph’s face he should keep away since his mate wasn’t in his most happiest mood. Withdrawing to bathroom made Raph put his knitting away, slowly coming to living room’s doorway. Hearing water running in bathroom he made his way in kitchen to boil some water. Filling Leonardo’s favorite mug almost full Raph pushed it further away from himself for safety reasons.

Next task was a bit more challenging but Raph was sure he could make it. Locking back wheels Raph started to reach up to cabin where Leo kept his teas. His legs were paralyzed from knee down but it didn’t stop Raph to push himself up on kitchen level and lean against it, holding him firmly on his place. Even that his legs weren’t in use or strong he still had rest of his body in perfect shape, having its unique strength as well. Sweat shone on his skin when his fingertips were touching Leo’s favorite tea package and since his palm had been flat against kitchen level it had sweat and his hand slipped.

It all happened so fast when he fell down hitting his chin hard on the edge of level, crashing on the floor with split open chin. Hearing loud ‘bam’ sound startled Leo who instantly turned shower off. Stepping out he didn’t bother to dry himself as he wrapped towel around his waist while calling Raphael. Not getting answer turned his heart cold and he rushed into kitchen seeing Raph laying on the floor, face hidden between strong arms.

“Raphael!” Kneeling next to his mate his first reaction was to touch green shoulder but his hand was shook off. “Are you alright? Are you hurt? Please talk to me, beautiful.” But no. Raph didn’t say a thing. Observing his body language Leonardo soon realized Raph wasn’t hurt physically, at least not bad, but mentally… Those green shoulders trembled so much as silent sounds of crying could be heard. Not minding about his hand being pushed away before Leonardo sat down on the floor rubbing harsh skin of Raphael’s neck and shoulders slow and gently, hoping it would calm his partner’s broken emotions.

It must had took around 20 minute before Raphael calmed enough to stop crying and lift his head enough to wipe his eyes. Giving him all the time what he needed Leonardo remained silent by his side, allowing Raph to make the first move.

“… C-could ya help me up?”

Leonardo didn’t hesitate nor replied anything as he stood and helped Raphael back up to sit on his chair. Kneeling down in front of Raph his blue eyes saw nasty split on Raph’s chin but it had stopped bleeding. All dried blood needed to be cleaned away from his chin tho. Seeing Leo wetting a piece of kitchen roll Raphael wanted to protest but couldn’t after seeing the look in Leo’s eyes when he came back to him. Gently starting to tap and wipe the blood off, avoiding the split, Leonardo almost whispered.

“What were you doing? You could have hurt yourself so bad.”

Feeling foolish, stupid and embarrassed Raph lowered his eyes in his lap. “I… I wanted ta make ya yer tea ready. So that ya could go ta bed sooner and get yer rest.”

The thought warmed Leo’s heart but having his beloved hurt didn’t. Small smile spread on his lips nonetheless and he needed to reach to kiss Raphael’s green forehead. “Beautiful, listen. I’m so touched you wanted to make me such lovely thing but I don’t want you to do it with the cause of your health. Your health means me the most and I don’t want you to get hurt like this again.”

“But I wanted ta spoil ya a bit. Ya know, like how ya spoil me every day.”

“And I have nothing against it. But I don’t want you to try to reach anything from higher cabins ever again. I can move some of my tea packages in lower cabinet where you can reach it when and if you want to make some tea for me.”

Seeing hands turning into familiar fists he knew his words had hit sensitive spot. It hurt and pissed Raph off so much because he now had to have everything in low levels for him to reach them. Standing up and hugging his shaking body Leonardo once more kissed Raphael’s head.

“I love you.” To this he got no reply and he didn’t got his evening tea either.

–

Last 6 months had been weird what Raph had noticed. At first everything had been fine and then one day, suddenly, Leonardo’s behavior had changed. He normally spent his days at home with Raph or took him out but no, not anymore. Instead Leo went alone on his own. For too long Raph had watched this but now his limit was full. He needed and wanted answers.

Watching Leonardo dressing up once more in a hallway with his winter clothes Raphael couldn’t hide his anger.

“Ya going out – Again?”

“Uh, yeah. Sorry, but I have to go.”

“Why? Where?”

“I will be seeing a friend in a cafe.”

“A friend who I don’t know?”

“No, you don’t know him.”

This suddenly stung Raph’s heart so bad and instantly he blurted out the first thought, and fear, out loud with anger; “Yer cheating on me?!”

Leo almost choked on his own saliva as his eyes widened. “W-what?!”

Coming a bit closer Raphael snarled; “Be honest, are ya cheating on me?”

“What do you think I am? Of course I’m not cheating on you!”

“Oh, really? Then tell me – Is it him who ya have been sneaking out ta see all these few last months?”

Seeing no point in lying or avoiding Leo’s head nodded which was something what Raph had not wanted to see.

“So ya are cheating! How fucking could ya!?”

“Raph, please, I will explain everything later.”

“Why can’t ya do it now?!”

“Because I’m late already.”

Snorting with cocky laugh Raphael’s eyes sparked with anger. “Oh, sure. Ya two have a schedule where and when ya guys meet ta fuck?”

“Raphael, that’s really unnecessary.”

“So I am right!”

“No you’re not.”

“Of course ya sneak out ta see someone who can WALK! Who ya can take out without carrying him up and down the stairs! Of course ya are seeing someone who ya don’t need ta be embarrassed about! Someone who ain’t as miserable and handicap as I am!”

Hearing pain in Raphael’s voice didn’t make his leaving any easier but without a word Leo turned towards the door, placing his hand on the knob when Raph’s voice stopped him.

“I swear, Leo! If ya go out now ta meet him ya can forget of coming back home! We are over if ya step out through that door!”

His heart was hammering in pain but he had to do this. Turning to look his beloved mate still hand on the knob, Leonardo sighed deeply with sadness in his eyes. “Don’t say such thing, Raph. Those words really hurt.”

“Not as much as yer actions and lies have hurt me. Go and ya never come back.”

Swallowing once Leonardo held his eyes on Raphael’s. “Then so be it.” With one firm push Leonardo opened the door and stepped out. Taking one last look of his horrified mate’s face he still couldn’t stop himself from whispering; “I love you.”

Watching the door closing in front of him felt so unreal. Leonardo just hadn’t walked out and go see someone else…? Horrible pain and panic filled his whole being to the very core with anger. He felt so messed up right now that only thing what he could do was scream his lungs out. He didn’t even care if the neighbors would hear it. If he still would had been able to walk he would go somewhere to throw and smash things but instead he went into their bedroom where his punching bag was placed. Beating the poor bag with bear fists eventually made his knuckles bleed but he didn’t care even that he noticed blood spots appearing on his bag after every hit. Physical pain was something what he very rarely even felt in these days but emotional pain… It was something what hang there for days, sometimes weeks and months.

This torment inside he couldn’t take and the fear he had lost his most beloved person to someone… Just because his self-esteem was so low, always fearing deep inside Leo eventually would find and go with someone who could walk and run beside him, go anywhere with him unlike him. Another issue was bedroom. They both loved sex, they honestly did, but it had become boring since it was always the same position without any excitement. Perhaps this new guy was even better, and wilder, in bed.

Stopping bag from swinging Raph kept holding it still, pressing his sweaty forehead against cool and bloody leather. Burning sensation in his eyes once more forced him to close them, uncontrollable tears pouring out on his cheeks between eye lids.

–

Later that same evening Leonardo came home. It was kind of late already and he assumed Raph to be sleeping but instead he found him sitting in his chair in dark living room. Welcome wasn’t all that warm what Leo had prepared to.

“Why are ya here?”

“This is still my home, Raph.” Approaching him it became obvious soon Raph had been crying. His eyes were swollen and reddish and his body tensed. He still had some anger inside him and Leo couldn’t blame him for that. Sitting down on his usual spot on the couch Leonardo leaned on his thighs, crossing his fingers.

“Raphael, listen. We need to talk.”

“Shut it. Nothing what ya say can make this better. Ya are cheating on me and that’s final.”

“You’re not giving me a chance to tell you what’s - “

“I ain’t wanting ta hear those words!” There was pain in Raphael’s voice so Leonardo decided not to even try to talk.

“Fine then. Let me show you instead.”

Raphael’s laugh was loud, short and kind of maniac-like. “Ya wanna show him ta me like some trophy now?!”

“Trust me – it’s better if I show you.”

“And what if I don’t wanna see it?”

Standing up Leonardo gave stern look down at Raphael’s glowing yellow eyes. “I wasn’t asking. Go dress up with warm clothes. It’s cold outside.”

“Make me, ya fucker!”

Leonardo had have enough. With few bigger steps he stopped in front of surprised turtle slamming his hands hard on wheelchair’s armrests, fury brightening his usually calm blue eyes.

“Raphael Hamato! You go in that fucking bedroom and dress up! No argues since I have had enough of your bullshit! We go out and solve this shit once and for all! Go!”

Stunned by Leonardo’s aggressive behavior and anger Raphael couldn’t do more than stare into those blue flaming eyes, his own eyes and mouth wide open in shock. But without a word or protest he did obey older and bigger turtle sealing himself in bedroom. Watching door closing instant guilty wave flooded over Leo making him take step after Raphael but he halted. No. He couldn’t go after his lover right away. It was better to give him time. Another part of him was worried could Raph be able to dress himself but then again Raph had lived alone a year while Leo had been in a war and in that time he had become very independent… even much more than Leonardo would had liked to admit. Nonetheless he was happy for Raph and how well he had done.

Door finally opened and Raphael slowly made his way into hallway where Leo followed, giving him winter jacket and while Raphael put it on Leonardo gently placed Raphael’s feet in warm winter boots, spreading warm blanket on his legs. They needed to stay warm after all.

“Can ya carry me like this?” Raphael’s voice was small. Like if he was afraid of Leonardo.

“No but I can gently lower you down stair by stair.” Feeling nervous Raphael only nodded as they headed out from the apartment. When Leonardo pushed him towards the stairs fear started to sneak in his mind. What if Leo’s hold would slip? Or perhaps Leo would push him down? First stair was horrible and Raph almost yelped, holding so tight on the armrests it almost turned his knuckles white. Seeing this and so tensed body Leonardo did what he could do comfort his fearful partner.

“It’s okay. I’m not letting you go. You’re safe.” Raphael remained silent since he didn’t trust his voice at the moment. He was trembling in and out so bad with fear and nervousness. When the last stair, after 5 levels, was behind Raph could sigh in relief and relax as they approached front door. Feeling cold air hitting his face sent chills to his spine but yet he welcomed it all. Fresh air, sounds of city, seeing people on ground level instead behind 5th floor window was nice change which instantly made his mind more clear.

Instead of taking Raphael to underground Leonardo took him to parking area, approaching one higher car. In confusion Raph looked at the car when Leo opened the door starting to help Raph on front seat. Grabbing on bigger arms their eyes finally met and stayed on each other.

“A… Are… I mean… Is this…? Where did ya…?” Raphael was confused which brought small smile on light green lips.

“It’s okay. I haven’t steal this car or anything. He borrowed it to me.”

HE?! Looking inside the car better Raph felt his stomach turn. He was sitting in HIS car! He didn’t want to be there. Not in a vehicle what belong to some pervert who had been sleeping with his man. Trying to get out of the car back to his wheelchair Leonardo held Raph still convincing it was all good and he wouldn’t need to sit there for too long.

Swallowing lump in his throat Raphael had no other choice but to give in. Door slamming shut next to him after his legs were inside safe and sound made his stomach turn once more. He didn’t want to be there. Not in this car. He rather would had take a buss, taxi or metro but no. Leonardo sat on driver’s seat closing the door behind him. Feeling the car start and the sound of its motor reminded Raphael about his own motorcycle what he no longer had…

Feeling tears raising into his eyes he turned to look out as Leo drove forward on the road. His precious shellcycle what Don had build for him. He no longer had it. In an accident with a truck his bike had smashed so bad it wasn’t reparable and when Don said something like that Raph believed it. Back then, while laying on that hospital’s bed he had found out his bike was smashed and on top of that his L4 and L5 bones had damaged so he had lost his legs knee below as well with bigger piece of his lower shell. Not being able to drive, walk, run, jump on rooftops… All that was instantly taken from him. It had been so heavy blow that Raphael even had thought about suicide few times. If it wasn’t for Leo he would had done it.

Leo.

Turning to look the turtle beside him from the corner of his eye Raphael thought about their past more while silence remained inside the car. Leonardo looked so calm and focused... like he had back then when he had stated to agree to live with Raphael and take care of him. It had been confusing, surprising and also infuriating since Raph didn’t need a babysitter. True, he didn’t but he needed a helping hand and Leonardo surely had been very good at it. For example Leonardo, during Raphael’s recovery time in hospital, had been looking apartment for them since they couldn’t go and stay in April’s place anymore because of Raph’s need for a wheelchair.

And Leonardo had found them a place - their current apartment. It hadn’t been all that what Leonardo apparently had wished and hoped but it was something what they took in a time of need. After few months from leaving the hospital and living with Leo he one evening had confessed his warmer feelings to young turtle. Surprised by this Raphael hadn’t been able to say anything but he had thought about it since he had realized the way how older turtle looked at him at times had changed.

Despite the fact Raphael also had warmer feelings towards his companion he hadn’t been able to say it but he had started to try to show it with small gestures. Leonardo had picked up with the hints pretty quick. Their first romantic and more closer moment had been few weeks after “confessions” in a bathtub. Leonardo had prepared nice warm bath for Raph helping him in there. Without a word, however, Leo had undress himself and slid in the tub behind Raphael, just gently holding him close in his arms.

It had been embarrassing and somewhat encouraging, nice even. Being in warm water against big strong body feeling warm breathing hitting the backside of your head, big arms around holding you ever so gently while fingertips slowly ran up and down on the skin… Remembering all that filled Raphael’s stomach with butterflies making his whole body tingle with happiness and erotic memory, chuckling shortly and silently to himself.

His silent chuckling and smile what stayed on his lips weren’t unnoticed by Leonardo but he remained silent and calm. Whatever had improved Raphael’s mood was good and blue eyed turtle didn’t want to go ruin it by asking anything about it. Parking car at the parking area in front of high building Leo shut down the engine stepping out. Raphael patiently waited his help to get out of the car, gently and slowly being placed in his chair. Feeling his stomach starting to turn around with thoughts Leo had brought him to see his secret lover wiped all those previous nice memories and happy feelings away.", "pools_count": 1, "title": "Happy New Year Ch1", "deleted": "f", "public": "t", "mimetype": "text/plain", "pagecount": "1", "rating_id": "2", "rating_name": "Adult", "ratings": [ { "content_tag_id": "5", "name": "Strong Violence", "description": "Strong violence, blood, serious injury or death", "rating_id": "2" } ], "submission_type_id": "12", "type_name": "Writing - Document", "guest_block": "f", "friends_only": "f", "comments_count": "0", "views": "162" }