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So we skipped some more sad and depressing parts and instead they are making progress! :D", "description_bbcode_parsed": "I decided to wrap things up a bit and did not kept postponing the beginning of Leo and Raph seriously talking and finally we are entering the "changes" period, and not be lingering on the post-stress /sexual tension period! So we skipped some more sad and depressing parts and instead they are making progress! :D", "writing": "Raphael and Leonardo - most likely the latter- agreed to now meet up for awhile as the two of them. Leonardo felt the need to clear his mind a little from the longing that fogged his rational side of his mind. He believed this period was advantage for both of them. He really hoped Raphael was doing the same: clearing his mind and thinking about things a little. No matter how Leonardo was nervous thinking about the true fact that was laying in front of him, he needed to face the fact, that he and Raphael had something deeper than brotherly affection. He was still surprised how could it just happen like that. Why wasn?t he feeling the same for the others. They were raised well, they have an amazing father and a wise sensei. They are intelligent, they have common sense, then why did this happen. The more Leonardo tried to think about it, the more frustrated he became and in order to maintain his calm, he needed to put that aside for a bit again. There were more important issues between him and Raphael, than the new - at this point not so foreign- feelings. He needed to focus on the fact, that all of them were growing and evolving in many directions. For the young teenager Leonardo, so much serious things were hard to take in all, but as his current self, he accepted more and thought about more things, that he did not know are essential for life and for them being as social entities, a family. He grew closer to Mikey and Donatello as brothers nonetheless. He wasn?t irritated by their habits so much as before. As he spent more time with each of them in their own element and comfort zone, he got a lot of answers to his irritated \"why the hell does he do that?!\" questions. Meanwhile it helped him not only inspire his brothers, but making his social skills, patience, acceptance evolve. After weeks passing, he actually noticed some changes in the way he was thinking. Maybe this meant maturity, maybe this meant growing. It was scary, but exciting at the same time. He also started to open up more around Mikey and Donatello, he shared more and more thoughts and ideas of his on a casual way. Before, he always felt like he would never be understood and his way of imagining things wouldn?t be understood by his brothers at all, they wouldn?t understand, and this passiveness and negativity made him close up and not even trying the slightest effort, although his brothers were open. It was wrong from him so accuse his brothers are not \"good\" enough to meet his expectations and standards regarding even just a normal every day life chit chat or messing around and now he knew that and was correcting that mistake. Donatello was at first nervous blabbing around Leonardo, since he notice before that he might irritate Leonardo with it and Leonardo always wanted to hear the straight up things, unnecessary details were ignored. Surprisingly Donatello could babble around Raphael the best. He was the one Don knew will be not only reacted to, but listened to also maybe even with interest. Mikey was trying his best always, but after a time he was unable to not move around or do something else, seeming as if he is ignoring Don, or he was spaced out completely. Now things have changed as Leonardo seemed like a patient partner too, although still wasn?t as dwelved into it, but his smile and nodding was enough for Donatello to just go ahead on his never ending speeches. It was like Heaven for Michelangelo too, as he could joke more, without being scolded. It was actually tiring for Mikey too, being scolded so much, together with Raphael. He was sensitive on a way too, and although he did not take everything to heart and get depressed like Raphael, he still got hurt. He really enjoyed he could finally mess around a bit more with Leonardo too and feel like the tutor sometimes, when Leonardo curiously questioned slang words or jokes he did not understand, or just fun thing in life in general. Sometimes it was frustrating and tiring for Mikey, but he liked this better, than the constant strictness and scolding from Leonardo. Beside his two brothers, Leonardo also had calm times spent with their father. They did some of their usual routines, just sitting together in the calm silence, drinking tea together, speaking about their usual things or listening to each other, as one wanted to share something with the other. Leonardo was always the one, who was more dependent from their father in the family and friend sense, than the rest of the siblings. He genuinely enjoyed talking with the rat, his calm and wise personality and his mysterious, deep speeches were like a therapy for Leonardo. It was safety, it was comfort. However, he also felt change towards master Splinter. He did not feel that deep idolization and respect, almost feared in respect, than when he was small, now he felt like he is growing closer, growing up to the equality and it was pleasant, that their father was also accepting calmly and kindly. What his Leonardo deep and hard, however, was when one day master Splinter was observing them joking in the dojo, and when they were heading to the kitchen, the rat looked at Leonardo with a melancholic, yet prideful smile. Leonardo was thinking hours at night why was that smile. Why was there sadness? Their father is so proud of them, he would give his life for his sons, they make him happy and so so proud growing up so well, reflecting all his parenting efforts as a success, and yet now he gave out that sad smile. It bothered Leonardo so much, one morning he brought up.\n\n -I?m sorry, but you seemed sad earlier. \n\n -It is not sadness, my son. It is happiness. There is no bigger joy for a father to see his sons grow. But....-he looked down, that pained, melancholic, deep smile was there again. - But time also passes. -he said silently. \n\n Leonardo needed a little time to process it, but then it sank all in. He needed to realize the passing times meant things, that were sad, deep. His eyes widened, as he stared at his father, then he also lowered his head, staring at the ground, he couldn?t help, as the deepness and understanding of that one small sentence was still lingering in his subconsciousness. His eyes teared up. They stood there in the still silence, comforting each other with their presence. \n\n \n\n Raphael at first did not want to understand the fact, that Leonardo meant completely seriously, when he said that they are not going to meet up for awhile. Raphael?s patience lasted for a few days, everything was fine, he enjoyed being with his family, trainings, routines, checking Leo out whenever was possible, then regret it and feel like a creep, but then he couldn?t anymore and his urge was driving him crazy. He wanted to spend time with Leonardo as the two of them. His anger and annoyance towards the other striked back with full force and his hate and anger towards Leonardo grew also. He was silenter and grumpier than usual, at first he was bothering all of them, but when his mind cleared a bit, he noticed something. He noticed, that there is a new kind of balance forming in the family, and mostly it is thanked to the leader. He was sending new waves in the little pile of relationships and emotions. Raphael was scared and glad at the same time. He actually was happy and glad seeing his brothers socializing and changing on positive ways, but at the same time he was scared, as Leonardo was slowly gaining more dominance in the fields Raphael had his own little comfort zones and wanted to keep those. He noticed Leonardo and Donatello chatting more and that gave him less time chatting with Donatello as they usually did. Mikey was also sharing jokes with Leonardo, which were usually shared with Raphael and instead of Mikey taking jokes on a whole new level with Raphael and OOOH and laugh around, Mikey received a clueless Leonardo, who did not add much to the joke itself and wasn?t that extremely enjoyable anymore, just enjoyable. Meanwhile Leonardo only approached Raphael as casual nods and half smiles and they did not really talk about anything, maybe just Leonardo occasionally asking Raphael about his well being and what was he up to, which Raphael dodged off with a few small words. If he couldn?t be with Leo like how they were, then he didn?t even want to spend any time with him alone. It was incredibly difficult for him, as he was angry he was being replaced in a way, Leonardo always taking everything away from him with little effort, things, that Raphael built up with effort and dedication. Thanked to his awful temper, his reactions were too rough. Thanked to his awful temper, his rational and actually smart and good ideas were ruined by his sensitive emotions and came out through his mouth as some kind of deformed idiocy. He always had issues expressing himself and their father struggled with him a lot. His feelings always wanted something else, than his sane mind. He was a good observer, but what could he do with that. He could be a great brother, but he always managed to fuck it up somehow. He was always came out the bad guy somehow. Bad karma, it was just a curse. And yet he had noone to really share with. Actually, noone supposed to see. He just kept trying. There was nothing else he could do. Just to try and keep trying. He was strong enough to solve his own problems on his own. His problems was noone else?s. He thought he is strong enough to just be the tough guy all the time, he actually did and does feel tough, as he is. He was never spoiled, like Leonardo, praised like Donatello or guided as Michelangelo. He was scolded. No matter how much he wanted to change, he was just the Raphael he was. He could never be or beat Leonardo. And now he was once more stabbed in the chest. He needed to face everything alone again. He needed to comfort his own self again. It was incredibly suffocating to hold back so many thoughts and emotions and observations. And the top of all the inner turmoil, of course he needed to be the one, who needed to have wrong feelings. How could his life be just a little bit easier. \n\n One month passed as Raphael was still waiting for Leonardo. As more and more time passed in his inner struggles and battling with his impatience, he realized, that he also needed this waiting period, not just Leonardo. Beside the struggles and hate, he actually thought about a lot of things and observe a lot. Every time envy took control of his emotions, he tried to remind himself, that he was actually glad to see his family like this. This was the better, even if he was a little bit forgotten. He was glad to see Leonardo smiling more or that Donatello doesn't need to feel awkward and stressed out or Mikey in constant fear of a scolding. It was a good change for all of them. He won in the battle against his own self, his self which always saw the negative side and accepted it. He was also tried to prepare himself to not lash out that nobody is paying attention to him. He enjoyed observing. It was better this way. This was the best way. The more he stayed silent the more things went naturally, he did not cause any chaos or stress. Sometimes he restrained himself enough or just had a better moment of emotions to contribute to family life. He still did have time with Mikey and Don and still did have mood for a good fight or training or hobbies or other things. However, one thing that was still boiling in him were his attraction for Leonardo. During this month, he actually started to get more familiar with the fact, that he does have feelings for his brother, not just stupid sexual fantasies, but actual feelings. He did like Leonardo a lot. There was just something about him. It actually gave him some inner peace accepting this fact. It wasn't easy to not look at Leonardo without those feelings, but at least he knew what his problem was and what he is dealing with in himself.\n\n Although throughout the times being away, Leo and Raph still managed to argue once or twice, especially at the beginning, but they needed to go through their own personal inner battles first. Later when Raphael calmed down a bit, it made Leonardo happy, that Raphael is taking part in some of their activities together or even suggests some. One week after one month, Raphael finally managed to be in a good mood. He was working out a lot and did what was entertaining. Before that, he had a long night of wondering and the thoughts came back. After a long wondering and hesitation, he felt like he couldn't hold it back any longer, so he went to Donatello. Without any greeting - as they were used to it - he went in to Don's lab and closed the door. Donatello was at his computer, he didn't even glance away, but he automatically engaged as a listener in the conversation, which Raphael started.\n\n -So I've been kinda wonderin', ya know. We're all smart and all, like people.\n\n -Mhm. - the answer came, as still was typing.\n\n Raphael paused for a moment to rethink and rephrase his words. He knew he needed to choose his words carefully around Don. One wrong word or sentence and Don will overanalyze and guess.\n\n -And? - Don stopped fidgeting with his computer and turned at Raph on his chair.\n\n -Well... -Raph tried again - We're growin' and stuff...things kinda chaaange and so on. So I was wonderin'...like, ya know...soon we might have some sex probs. I mean come on! This is not a secret anymore n' we're big enough to talk `bout it. I just....first wanted ta....consult with ya -used a more sophisticated word on a sarcastic tone , but still emphasizing the seriousness -, since yer the all brains and stuff and have some med skills.\n\n -Yup! But keep in mind I'm not a doctor, nor a psychologist, tho. - Don interrupted with tilted head, curious and amused at the same time about Raphael's struggles and how he tried to elaborate them so clearly, yet his expressions told all anyways. He was actually curious where was this topic heading. - Honestly I never put much thought into this subject before. I mean, master told us also too, that it's something natural, there is nothing wrong if you're having urges and needs. You've got hands and time to explore what hits the spot. - he shrugged.\n\n -Yeah, got'cha! But....I was wonderin'....I mean I was JUST wonderin'!! What if....beatin' meat won't be enough...?\n\n -Hm. - Don couldn't help but give out an amused grin, as he scratched his chin wondering as he stared at Raph. Things were getting interesting indeed. - Yeah, you're right. We have high chances to feel lonely just like people do. Like...80.5% to experience and feel that type of loneliness, where one is longing for a potential mate...partner...call it whatever you prefer. This is also natural and sooner or later likely to happen. Then I guess it'll be a moment when we split up and explore more in the world, trying to find our significant other.\n\n -PFT, AS IF! How the shell do ya think we'll ever find a mate? I mean helloooo...- Raph pointed at himself with both hands, referring how they were some intimidating giant turtles, who'll most likely freak out anyone.\n\n - Myeah, well it won't be easy, since there aren't many mutants...but who knows! It's not impossible! You gotta stay positive, Raph. - Don smiled and winked reassuringly.\n\n -Well I don't believe in fairy tales....plus I'd like to keep my family, thank ya...-Raph grumbled annoyed, folding his arms.\n\n Don's gaze became sharper and at that moment Raph knew the way he suggested to connect things eventually revealed him a bit more than he wanted to and now Donatello was catching up with him.\n\n -Ah, I see. - Donatello said with a half smile after a long moment of thinking. - Well yeah, now that you meantioned ...yeah, incest is a possibility too.\n\n - W-WAIT, I WASN'T REFFERIN' TO THAT! - Raph bursted out in panic, flailing, getting embarrassed - I jus'...I just sat down one night n' was wonderin', that's all! - Oh, if Don knew how he wasn't just thinking about general issues in the matter...\n\n -Hey Raph, that's fine, don't need to freak out. - Don blinked, actually concerned for a moment if he gets punched or something precious will get flipped.\n\n -Ok, fine.....yer way too chill `bout this... -Raph glared at Don with suspicion.\n\n -Why? Would it be more convenient if I start screaming , throwing stuffs at you, smack you with my staff and tell the rest of the family and we throw you in the fire or something? - Don chuckled and shook his head - Come on, Raph. I think it's normal to consider those thoughts...at least in our case. It's the instinct to survive.\n\n -Eugh....-Raph grimaced at the thought being burnt alive.\n\n -Oh, wait wait! -Don caught up with Raphael again. - I have a better idea! -Don snorted amused, then elaborated on a teasing tone, acting like an imaginary professional doctor. - I'm afraid I diagnose you with The Thoughtus of Incestus, I'm afraid there is no other cure than castration.\n\n -Hell naw, I'm outta here!!!\n\n -Wait, wait, wait! I'm sorry! I just wanted to try a mean joke! Sorry! - Don laughed, then got smacked on the back of his head. - OW! Yep, I deserved that!\n\n -So this is the start of yer career, the mad scientist, who's planning to destroy human kind? - Raphael grumbled teasing, as he folded his arms, then they both burst out in chuckles.\n\n He was actually relieved he could somehow get it out of his system, although the urge to be with Leo was burning him up inside, trying to convince himself it'll never ever happen, those kisses they had were the last he'll ever experience, Leo moved on at this point, but at least he could speak some of his pain out in jokes with Donatello, who reacted better than Raph expected.\n\n As they calmed down, Don arranged his bandana, then he looked at Raphael again.\n\n -Well I am only your brother, but is there something you'd really like to tell me about this?\n\n Raph blinked, he swallowed hard for a moment, his mind wanted the sweet release, to just pour out everything, but he needed to be strong and hold all in, and finally just shook his head.\n\n -Nah, thanks. Just needed to put an end to this midlife crisis...\n\n -Mhm. - Don mumbled wondering.\n\n -What. - Raph grunted nervously.\n\n -Ah, nothing, I was just wondering who would it be out of the three?\n\n -WHAT?! - sudden heat hit Raphael's body.\n\n -I mean, if you ever consider it, who would it be out of the three of us? - Donatello repeated patiently, curiously examining Raphael's reactions and expressions.\n\n Raphael swallowed hard. It was really the worst time remembering Leo's sweet smiles and lips, that he would kiss so badly again.\n\n -Noone... - Raph grumbled, as he looked away embarrassed.\n\n -Hm.\n\n Don wondered for a long moment, he really wasn't giving up just yet.\n\n -Fine, then let's set up a possibility only in theory. Just for our little amusement. I'll also tell and you'll do the same, how about that?\n\n Raphael immediately wanted to oppose, but he actually got curious. He bit his lower lip nervously, then nodded.\n\n -Ok...sure... -it was nothing, just theory. - But you start. -Say everybody else, than Leo, then he won't cause any suspicions...\n\n -Okay, then!\n\nEverybody else...\n\n -So I think...\n\nJust not Leo...\n\n -Alright, I think in the spur of moment, I'd say Mikey or Leo. I mean I get along well with Leo, when he's also calm, we'd almost never argue and we'd discuss things first. And Mikey, well Mikey is Mikey, it's difficult not to love him. -Don smiled. - Now you. -he nodded at Raph.\n\n Raph needed a moment to process what Don said and how openly and calmly he said it. Of course Donatello wasn't nervous, he really did not attach any feelings to this subject. He was just having fun, but for Raphael it wasn't really as amusing. He felt his stomach was itching from those nervous butterflies in his stomach, he actually absentmindedly scratched his plastron there. He took a deep breath. Say everybody else, but Leo; everybody else, but Leo, he rehearsed in his mind.\n\n -Well....\n\n -Weeeell? - Don tilted his head curiously, he was actually examining how flustered Raphael was.\n\nJust not Leo...\n\n -I guess....well I dunno...\n\nNot Leo.\n\n As Raph opened his mouth to say something, but he froze, as he heard the clicking sound of the door opening behind him. Both him and Don glanced at the door, when Leo blinked back at them.\n\n -Hey, sorry. I was actually searching for Raphael, but later, then!\n\n -Ah no, don't worry about it, we were just talking, if you need him, he's all yours! I need to finish constructing this new software idea I had in mind for better malware protection system and...- and there it was Donatello blabbing about his own stuffs, that just he understood and his fingers were already on the keyboard again.\n\n -Alright, thank you. Oh and Don? Can you please check Mikey later? I gave him some tea, but he doesn't seem to feel well. I think he ate something he shouldn't...again...-Leo sighed.\n\n -Poor little guy, having a tummy ache again. -Don said on a playful tone, this was enough for Leo to be reassured he was attentive and he will surely go check Mikey soon.\n\n Then Leo and Raph went off.", "writing_bbcode_parsed": "Raphael and Leonardo - most likely the latter- agreed to now meet up for awhile as the two of them. Leonardo felt the need to clear his mind a little from the longing that fogged his rational side of his mind. He believed this period was advantage for both of them. He really hoped Raphael was doing the same: clearing his mind and thinking about things a little. No matter how Leonardo was nervous thinking about the true fact that was laying in front of him, he needed to face the fact, that he and Raphael had something deeper than brotherly affection. He was still surprised how could it just happen like that. Why wasn?t he feeling the same for the others. They were raised well, they have an amazing father and a wise sensei. They are intelligent, they have common sense, then why did this happen. The more Leonardo tried to think about it, the more frustrated he became and in order to maintain his calm, he needed to put that aside for a bit again. There were more important issues between him and Raphael, than the new - at this point not so foreign- feelings. He needed to focus on the fact, that all of them were growing and evolving in many directions. For the young teenager Leonardo, so much serious things were hard to take in all, but as his current self, he accepted more and thought about more things, that he did not know are essential for life and for them being as social entities, a family. He grew closer to Mikey and Donatello as brothers nonetheless. He wasn?t irritated by their habits so much as before. As he spent more time with each of them in their own element and comfort zone, he got a lot of answers to his irritated "why the hell does he do that?!" questions. Meanwhile it helped him not only inspire his brothers, but making his social skills, patience, acceptance evolve. After weeks passing, he actually noticed some changes in the way he was thinking. Maybe this meant maturity, maybe this meant growing. It was scary, but exciting at the same time. He also started to open up more around Mikey and Donatello, he shared more and more thoughts and ideas of his on a casual way. Before, he always felt like he would never be understood and his way of imagining things wouldn?t be understood by his brothers at all, they wouldn?t understand, and this passiveness and negativity made him close up and not even trying the slightest effort, although his brothers were open. It was wrong from him so accuse his brothers are not "good" enough to meet his expectations and standards regarding even just a normal every day life chit chat or messing around and now he knew that and was correcting that mistake. Donatello was at first nervous blabbing around Leonardo, since he notice before that he might irritate Leonardo with it and Leonardo always wanted to hear the straight up things, unnecessary details were ignored. Surprisingly Donatello could babble around Raphael the best. He was the one Don knew will be not only reacted to, but listened to also maybe even with interest. Mikey was trying his best always, but after a time he was unable to not move around or do something else, seeming as if he is ignoring Don, or he was spaced out completely. Now things have changed as Leonardo seemed like a patient partner too, although still wasn?t as dwelved into it, but his smile and nodding was enough for Donatello to just go ahead on his never ending speeches. It was like Heaven for Michelangelo too, as he could joke more, without being scolded.  It was actually tiring for Mikey too, being scolded so much, together with Raphael. He was sensitive on a way too, and although he did not take everything to heart and get depressed like Raphael, he still got hurt. He really enjoyed he could finally mess around a bit more with Leonardo too and feel like the tutor sometimes, when Leonardo curiously questioned slang words or jokes he did not understand, or just fun thing in life in general. Sometimes it was frustrating and tiring for Mikey, but he liked this better, than the constant strictness and scolding from Leonardo. Beside his two brothers, Leonardo also had calm times spent with their father. They did some of their usual routines, just sitting together in the calm silence, drinking tea together, speaking about their usual things or listening to each other, as one wanted to share something with the other. Leonardo was always the one, who was more dependent from their father in the family and friend sense, than the rest of the siblings. He genuinely enjoyed talking with the rat, his calm and wise personality and his mysterious, deep speeches were like a therapy for Leonardo. It was safety, it was comfort. However, he also felt change towards master Splinter. He did not feel that deep idolization and respect, almost feared in respect, than when he was small, now he felt like he is growing closer, growing up to the equality and it was pleasant, that their father was also accepting calmly and kindly. What his Leonardo deep and hard, however, was when one day master Splinter was observing them joking in the dojo, and when they were heading to the kitchen, the rat looked at Leonardo with a melancholic, yet prideful smile. Leonardo was thinking hours at night why was that smile. Why was there sadness? Their father is so proud of them, he would give his life for his sons, they make him happy and so so proud growing up so well, reflecting all his parenting efforts as a success, and yet now he gave out that sad smile. It bothered Leonardo so much, one morning he brought up.

                -I?m sorry, but you seemed sad earlier.

               -It is not sadness, my son. It is happiness. There is no bigger joy for a father to see his sons grow. But....-he looked down, that pained, melancholic, deep smile was there again. - But time also passes. -he said silently.

            Leonardo needed a little time to process it, but then it sank all in. He needed to realize the passing times meant things, that were sad, deep. His eyes widened, as he stared at his father, then he also lowered his head, staring at the ground, he couldn?t help, as the deepness and understanding of that one small sentence was still lingering in his subconsciousness. His eyes teared up. They stood there in the still silence, comforting each other with their presence.

 

             Raphael at first did not want to understand the fact, that Leonardo meant completely seriously, when he said that they are not going to meet up for awhile. Raphael?s patience lasted for a few days, everything was fine, he enjoyed being with his family, trainings, routines, checking Leo out whenever was possible, then regret it and feel like a creep, but then he couldn?t anymore and his urge was driving him crazy. He wanted to spend time with Leonardo as the two of them. His anger and annoyance towards the other striked back with full force and his hate and anger towards Leonardo grew also. He was silenter and grumpier than usual, at first he was bothering all of them, but when his mind cleared a bit, he noticed something. He noticed, that there is a new kind of balance forming in the family, and mostly it is thanked to the leader. He was sending new waves in the little pile of relationships and emotions. Raphael was scared and glad at the same time. He actually was happy and glad seeing his brothers socializing and changing on positive ways, but at the same time he was scared, as Leonardo was slowly gaining more dominance in the fields Raphael had his own little comfort zones and wanted to keep those. He noticed Leonardo and Donatello chatting more and that gave him less time chatting with Donatello as they usually did. Mikey was also sharing jokes with Leonardo, which were usually shared with Raphael and instead of Mikey taking jokes on a whole new level with Raphael and OOOH and laugh around, Mikey received a clueless Leonardo, who did not add much to the joke itself and wasn?t that extremely enjoyable anymore, just enjoyable. Meanwhile Leonardo only approached Raphael as casual nods and half smiles and they did not really talk about anything, maybe just Leonardo occasionally asking Raphael about his well being and what was he up to, which Raphael dodged off with a few small words. If he couldn?t be with Leo like how they were, then he didn?t even want to spend any time with him alone. It was incredibly difficult for him, as he was angry he was being replaced in a way, Leonardo always taking everything away from him with little effort, things, that Raphael built up with effort and dedication. Thanked to his awful temper, his reactions were too rough. Thanked to his awful temper, his rational and actually smart and good ideas were ruined by his sensitive emotions and came out through his mouth as some kind of deformed idiocy. He always had issues expressing himself and their father struggled with him a lot. His feelings always wanted something else, than his sane mind. He was a good observer, but what could he do with that. He could be a great brother, but he always managed to fuck it up somehow. He was always came out the bad guy somehow. Bad karma, it was just a curse. And yet he had noone to really share with. Actually, noone supposed to see. He just kept trying. There was nothing else he could do. Just to try and keep trying. He was strong enough to solve his own problems on his own. His problems was noone else?s. He thought he is strong enough to just be the tough guy all the time, he actually did and does feel tough, as he is. He was never spoiled, like Leonardo, praised like Donatello or guided as Michelangelo. He was scolded. No matter how much he wanted to change, he was just the Raphael he was. He could never be or beat Leonardo. And now he was once more stabbed in the chest. He needed to face everything alone again. He needed to comfort his own self again. It was incredibly suffocating to hold back so many thoughts and emotions and observations. And the top of all the inner turmoil, of course he needed to be the one, who needed to have wrong feelings. How could his life be just a little bit easier.

         One month passed as Raphael was still waiting for Leonardo. As more and more time passed in his inner struggles and battling with his impatience, he realized, that he also needed this waiting period, not just Leonardo. Beside the struggles and hate, he actually thought about a lot of things and observe a lot. Every time envy took control of his emotions, he tried to remind himself, that he was actually glad to see his family like this. This was the better, even if he was a little bit forgotten. He was glad to see Leonardo smiling more or that Donatello doesn't need to feel awkward and stressed out or Mikey in constant fear of a scolding. It was a good change for all of them. He won in the battle against his own self, his self which always saw the negative side and accepted it. He was also tried to prepare himself to not lash out that nobody is paying attention to him. He enjoyed observing. It was better this way. This was the best way. The more he stayed silent the more things went naturally, he did not cause any chaos or stress. Sometimes he restrained himself enough or just had a better moment of emotions to contribute to family life. He still did have time with Mikey and Don and still did have mood for a good fight or training or hobbies or other things. However, one thing that was still boiling in him were his attraction for Leonardo. During this month, he actually started to get more familiar with the fact, that he does have feelings for his brother, not just stupid sexual fantasies, but actual feelings. He did like Leonardo a lot. There was just something about him. It actually gave him some inner peace accepting this fact. It wasn't easy to not look at Leonardo without those feelings, but at least he knew what his problem was and what he is dealing with in himself.

          Although throughout the times being away, Leo and Raph still managed to argue once or twice, especially at the beginning, but they needed to go through their own personal inner battles first. Later when Raphael calmed down a bit, it made Leonardo happy, that Raphael is taking part in some of their activities together or even suggests some. One week after one month, Raphael finally managed to be in a good mood. He was working out a lot and did what was entertaining. Before that, he had a long night of wondering and the thoughts came back. After a long wondering and hesitation, he felt like he couldn't hold it back any longer, so he went to Donatello. Without any greeting - as they were used to it - he went in to Don's lab and closed the door. Donatello was at his computer, he didn't even glance away, but he automatically engaged as a listener in the conversation, which Raphael started.

          -So I've been kinda wonderin', ya know. We're all smart and all, like people.

           -Mhm. - the answer came, as still was typing.

      Raphael paused for a moment to rethink and rephrase his words. He knew he needed to choose his words carefully around Don. One wrong word or sentence and Don will overanalyze and guess.

          -And? - Don stopped fidgeting with his computer and turned at Raph on his chair.

          -Well... -Raph tried again - We're growin' and stuff...things kinda chaaange and so on. So I was wonderin'...like, ya know...soon we might have some sex probs. I mean come on! This is not a secret anymore n' we're big enough to talk `bout it. I just....first wanted ta....consult with ya -used a more sophisticated word on a sarcastic tone , but still emphasizing the seriousness -, since yer the all brains and stuff and have some med skills.

           -Yup! But keep in mind I'm not a doctor, nor a psychologist, tho. - Don interrupted with tilted head, curious and amused at the same time about Raphael's struggles and how he tried to elaborate them so clearly, yet his expressions told all anyways. He was actually curious where was this topic heading. - Honestly I never put much thought into this subject before. I mean, master told us also too, that it's something natural, there is nothing wrong if you're having urges and needs. You've got hands and time to explore what hits the spot. - he shrugged.

          -Yeah, got'cha! But....I was wonderin'....I mean I was JUST wonderin'!! What if....beatin' meat won't be enough...?

             -Hm. - Don couldn't help but give out an amused grin, as he scratched his chin wondering as he stared at Raph. Things were getting interesting indeed. - Yeah, you're right. We have high chances to feel lonely just like people do. Like...80.5% to experience and feel that type of loneliness, where one is longing for a potential mate...partner...call it whatever you prefer. This is also natural and sooner or later likely to happen.  Then I guess it'll be a moment when we split up and explore more in the world, trying to find our significant other.

           -PFT, AS IF! How the shell do ya think we'll ever find a mate? I mean helloooo...- Raph pointed at himself with both hands, referring how they were some intimidating giant turtles, who'll most likely freak out anyone.

            - Myeah, well it won't be easy, since there aren't many mutants...but who knows! It's not impossible! You gotta stay positive, Raph. - Don smiled and winked reassuringly.

             -Well I don't believe in fairy tales....plus I'd like to keep my family, thank ya...-Raph grumbled annoyed, folding his arms.

     Don's gaze became sharper and at that moment Raph knew the way he suggested to connect things eventually revealed him a bit more than he wanted to and now Donatello was catching up with him.

          -Ah, I see. - Donatello said with a half smile after a long moment of thinking. - Well yeah, now that you meantioned ...yeah, incest is a possibility too.

          - W-WAIT, I WASN'T REFFERIN' TO THAT! - Raph bursted out in panic, flailing, getting embarrassed - I jus'...I just sat down one night n' was wonderin', that's all! - Oh, if Don knew how he wasn't just thinking about general issues in the matter...

          -Hey Raph, that's fine, don't need to freak out. - Don blinked, actually concerned for a moment if he gets punched or something precious will get flipped.

          -Ok, fine.....yer way too chill `bout this... -Raph glared at Don with suspicion.

          -Why? Would it be more convenient if I start screaming , throwing stuffs at you, smack you with my staff and tell the rest of the family and we throw you in the fire or something? - Don chuckled and shook his head - Come on, Raph. I think it's normal to consider those thoughts...at least in our case. It's the instinct to survive.

          -Eugh....-Raph grimaced at the thought being burnt alive.

          -Oh, wait wait! -Don caught up with Raphael again.  - I have a better idea! -Don snorted amused, then elaborated on a teasing tone, acting like an imaginary professional doctor. - I'm afraid I diagnose you with The Thoughtus of Incestus, I'm afraid there is no other cure than castration.

          -Hell naw, I'm outta here!!!

          -Wait, wait, wait! I'm sorry! I just wanted to try a mean joke! Sorry!  - Don laughed, then got smacked on the back of his head. - OW!  Yep, I deserved that!

          -So this is the start of yer career, the mad scientist, who's planning to destroy human kind? - Raphael grumbled teasing, as he folded his arms, then they both burst out in chuckles.

          He was actually relieved he could somehow get it out of his system, although the urge to be with Leo was burning him up inside, trying to convince himself it'll never ever happen, those kisses they had were the last he'll ever experience, Leo moved on at this point, but at least he could speak some of his pain out in jokes with Donatello, who reacted better than Raph expected.

          As they calmed down, Don arranged his bandana, then he looked at Raphael again.

          -Well I am only your brother, but is there something you'd really like to tell me about this?

          Raph blinked, he swallowed hard for a moment, his mind wanted the sweet release, to just pour out everything, but he needed to be strong and hold all in, and finally just shook his head.

          -Nah, thanks. Just needed to put an end to this midlife crisis...

          -Mhm. - Don mumbled wondering.

          -What. - Raph grunted nervously.

          -Ah, nothing, I was just wondering who would it be out of the three?

          -WHAT?! - sudden heat hit Raphael's body.

          -I mean, if you ever consider it, who would it be out of the three of us? - Donatello repeated patiently, curiously examining Raphael's reactions and expressions.

          Raphael swallowed hard. It was really the worst time remembering Leo's sweet smiles and lips, that he would kiss so badly again.

          -Noone... - Raph grumbled, as he looked away embarrassed.

          -Hm.

          Don wondered for a long moment, he really wasn't giving up just yet.

          -Fine, then let's set up a possibility only in theory. Just for our little amusement. I'll also tell and you'll do the same, how about that?

          Raphael immediately wanted to oppose, but he actually got curious. He bit his lower lip nervously, then nodded.

          -Ok...sure... -it was nothing, just theory. - But you start. -Say everybody else, than Leo, then he won't cause any suspicions...

          -Okay, then!

Everybody else...

          -So I think...

Just not Leo...

          -Alright, I think in the spur of moment, I'd say Mikey or Leo. I mean I get along well with Leo, when he's also calm,  we'd almost never argue and we'd discuss things first. And Mikey, well Mikey is Mikey, it's difficult not to love him. -Don smiled. - Now you. -he nodded at Raph.

          Raph needed a moment to process what Don said and how openly and calmly he said it. Of course Donatello wasn't nervous, he really did not attach any feelings to this subject. He was just having fun, but for Raphael it wasn't really as amusing. He felt his stomach was itching from those nervous butterflies in his stomach, he actually absentmindedly scratched his plastron there. He took a deep breath. Say everybody else, but Leo; everybody else, but Leo, he rehearsed in his mind.

          -Well....

          -Weeeell? - Don tilted his head curiously, he was actually examining how flustered Raphael was.

Just not Leo...

          -I guess....well I dunno...

Not Leo.

          As Raph opened his mouth to say something, but he froze, as he heard the clicking sound of the door opening behind him. Both him and Don glanced at the door, when Leo blinked back at them.

          -Hey, sorry. I was actually searching for Raphael, but later, then!

          -Ah no, don't worry about it, we were just talking, if you need him, he's all yours! I need to finish constructing this new software idea I had in mind for better malware protection system and...- and there it was Donatello blabbing about his own stuffs, that just he understood and his fingers were already on the keyboard again.

          -Alright, thank you. Oh and Don? Can you please check Mikey later? I gave him some tea, but he doesn't seem to feel well. I think he ate something he shouldn't...again...-Leo sighed.

          -Poor little guy, having a tummy ache again. -Don said on a playful tone, this was enough for Leo to be reassured he was attentive and he will surely go check Mikey soon.

          Then Leo and Raph went off.", "pools_count": 0, "title": "Hold me Longer Ch.8", "deleted": "f", "public": "t", "mimetype": "image/png", "pagecount": "1", "rating_id": "2", "rating_name": "Adult", "ratings": [ { "content_tag_id": "4", "name": "Sexual Themes", "description": "Erotic imagery, sexual activity or arousal", "rating_id": "2" } ], "submission_type_id": "12", "type_name": "Writing - Document", "guest_block": "f", "friends_only": "f", "comments_count": "0", "views": "46" }