Reality of Desire
By Matathesis

This short(ish) story (around 8,800 words) is set around November 2022. It focuses on Rachel’s older sister Maeve and her University flatmate James. Both Maeve and James are 19 at the beginning of this story, and in their second year at Uni. It’s largely set over two days, with the final part being much later. There are a few parts that are quite heavily based on my own experience at University, although I went to a different one than is shown here, and also studied a completely different subject than either Maeve or James! (Maeve wasn’t intended to be a main character in my universe, so when I said where and what she studied I didn’t think I’d have to write about it.) So, there will be factual inaccuracies about this and the real location, but you know what? I don’t really care! And neither should you!
Hopefully there are a couple of hot bits in the story – or at least, I hope you find them hot! It may seem a little odd that I have written this from the female perspective, but with any luck it has worked. I’m eternally grateful to EclypseSkunk, SenZontova, and thekzx for their assistance in my writing of this story and in the drawing of the cover image; not only this but also for your continued support of me in my fledgling writing and drawing skills!
As usual, comments, questions, and constructive criticism is all very welcome!
~ Matathesis (Mat), London, November 2022
I
I walked out of the lecture theatre and sighed. This was more than annoying, it was downright irritating. Actually, it was much more than that, I was properly angry. All that work that I had put in was pretty much wasted. My tail bristled and I realised that I needed to take a deep breath, and try to relax.
Several deep breaths later, I was somewhat more relaxed, but still needed to let off steam. The work wasn’t completely wasted, all those hours spent in the library and all those all-nighters I had pulled were just going to have to go to something else instead.
“Fuck groupwork,” I said, perhaps a bit louder than I had intended. 
There was a polite cough behind me and I turned around.
“Oh,” I said, slightly embarrassed as my tutor stood behind me. “Sorry.”
The owl shook her wings slightly as she approached me. “Don’t worry about it Maeve,” she said reassuringly, “I know how much work you put into this assignment, and if I’m completely honest with you – and don’t tell anybody else this – we grade you independently rather than as a group; you’ll be fine.”
“Thanks,” I said with a slight smile, “I’m glad all that work didn’t go to waste.”
“You’re fine Maeve,” she repeated. “You’re a smart girl and will be able to go far – just keep it up.”
“Thanks.” I said again. My phone dinged and I reached into my pocket automatically. My tutor smiled and walked off as I looked at the message. It was my little sister Rachel asking how my presentation had gone. I didn’t want to reply, not straight away anyway, so I put my phone back in my pocket and headed towards the Students’ Union bar. I didn’t really want a drink or anything, but I was meeting my flatmate James up there before we headed back to our halls. I just wanted to go home really. And not just back to the halls – proper home, back down to Hazelford to my dad and my sister. It was nearly the Christmas break, I could probably have left a week early. I was just tired. It had been a long term, and I needed a break. Maybe head home properly, back to Brownsea Island. Somewhere quiet, somewhere where I could just sit down and relax in my own thoughts.
“There you are!” James said as he saw me enter the bar. “Been waiting for you! I’ve got your usual ready. How’d it go?”
I smiled – genuinely – and went to what had somehow become our table. Sliding into the seat I took in the usual scene around me. Perhaps it was just that I was getting bored and needed something to make things more interesting. I picked up the pint of lager in front of me. “It went okay,” I said and took a gulp.
“That well, hey?” he replied. “I’ll get another round in.” I watched the slight wag of his tail as the dog walked towards the bar. Okay, maybe it wasn’t exactly the tail I was watching. James had been my flatmate since I first arrived at university the year before and in that time we had become best friends. We were reading different subjects – myself History, James Economics. Coincidentally, his surname matched the city we studied in: York. He denied that it was one of the reasons he decided to come here, but he denied it so strongly that I was fairly certain that it actually was the reason. He wasn’t a bad looking boy, not much taller than me, milk-chocolate brown and butterscotch brown fur adorned his slightly overweight, but not so much to be ashamed of, body. A dark patch surrounded his right eye and almost looked like it dripped down his cheek like a tear, while his red hair put my sister’s hair to shame. 
I found myself staring at him as he came back to the table with a tray with four drinks on it – two lagers for me, and two Guinnesses for him. If he caught me staring, he didn’t say anything about it, instead saying, “Thought I might as well get a couple drinks in while I was up there.”
“Really?” I said incredulously, shaking myself out of my stare. “I just want to go home and mope around.”
James pushed one of the pints towards me and I noticed for the first time that I had somehow already downed the one in front of me. “And that’s why I bought a couple of drinks. What’re you going to do at home? Just sit in your room and do nothing?”
“I…” I broke off because I saw that James was giving me that look.
“I thought as much,” he said with that cute smirk that showed just a small part of his canine tooth. “I know you Maeve,” he continued, “and I know you don’t think your presentation went well this afternoon, and I’m pretty sure that is just in your head.”
I opened my mouth to say something – I wasn’t sure what – but James was in full flow and didn’t let me.
“And however well it went, it’s all done now and there’s nothing you can do about it except just wait until you get your results back. So you might as well just put it out of your mind and enjoy the next week before you head back down to…” he paused. “To… wherever it is you come from.”
I smiled. “Dorset,” I said. James feigned a blank look – at least, I hope it was feigned. “Down south,” I added.
He took a sip from one of the pints of Guinness in front of him. “We’re in York,” he said thoughtfully. “Everywhere’s down south.” Couldn’t argue with that. I stood up to head towards the bar myself. “You going for your round already? I’m not that bad an influence on you, am I?”
“Nope,” I laughed, “But if you’re going to be pouring drinks down me all afternoon I need something to eat.” I turned back towards the bar and headed over, idly wondering if James was looking at my ‘tail’ as I had been looking at his.
II
Several hours later we walked out of the bar together. I had forgotten that it was the monthly open-mic night in the Students’ Union bar that evening. We had seen some amazing acts in there in the past, and there were stories told of famous bands and other acts coming through the open-mic and onto fame, occasionally even famous people coming back to take part. Tonight, however, was not one of those nights. 
“D’you think he knew we were laughing at him and not with him?” James asked, still stifling some inappropriate laughter.
“I don’t know,” I responded. “I don’t think he cared really. Mind you,” I added, “there was one person finding his jokes funny.”
“Yeah, but I don’t think it counts if it was himself.” He paused. “He could have been funny, it was difficult to tell when he laughed every second word.”
I giggled. I hadn’t done that for a long time, and I put it down to the drinks I’d been putting away all night. I can usually hold my drink quite well; I don’t wobble like some other people – James, for instance – something I put down to my good sense of balance honed over years of scampering around trees. An idea that suddenly felt like a good one, spurred on by our walking towards the parkland area around the university and some seriously good trees. I seemed to steer us towards the nearest tree, one I had climbed up many times before, and started to climb. James, I noticed, was sniffing around the bottom before unzipping his trousers and pissing against the bark. I made a mental note of which side of the tree he had gone against so I could avoid it when I climbed back down again, but other than that I ignored it.
It was chilly, although not as chilly as it should normally be in November, and as I climbed higher, I filled my lungs with the fresh air and the scent of the tree. The leaves of this particular tree had been mostly shed as, despite the temperature, we were well towards the end of autumn by now, but the few that remained had that unique smell that I had long suspected only squirrels could detect.
“Careful up there Maeve,” I heard James shout up. Dogs can’t climb as well as squirrels can so I could understand why he was nervous for me, but at that moment I just didn’t care. It wasn’t that late and from my vantage point I could see where other people were going about the university campus; as I often did, I wondered what each one of them were thinking, what was happening in their lives, knowing I would probably never meet them. Some people might find that thought scary, the idea of thousands – millions – of people, each with their own lives and not knowing what is happening in yours. But over the years, I’d found it comforting. It was my own little world. I could be me, and I didn’t have to worry about what other people thought of me, because chances are, they didn’t.
I don’t know how long I was up there with my thoughts before I remembered that I was with James, and he would just be loitering around the bottom of the tree waiting for me. He was patient like that, and really was a good friend. And I didn’t want to keep him waiting longer than necessary. 
My descent started well, my caution with the flimsier of the branches paying off, but as I got nearer the sturdier branches towards the base of the tree, my confidence was much higher than my skills; the amount of alcohol that was currently in my system impairing those very same skills that had kept me going for the almost-twenty years of my life. That sense of balance I mentioned earlier? Yeah. It seemed to completely vanish as I neared the bottom of the tree. I tried to remember which part of the trunk James had pissed against but couldn’t – and, strangely, couldn’t even remember why I wanted to remember that of all things. Instead, I giggled for the second time that night as I wobbled and fell down the tree. Maybe ‘fell’ isn’t quite right; I was still – kind of – in control as my descent was made. Well, that’s what I was telling myself anyway.
“Careful Maeve!” I heard James shout which just made me giggle even more. I remember being vaguely aware of him circling the tree watching me, and eventually he stopped circling and was underneath me. I’m not sure if I jumped or if I fell, or if it was a weird combination of both, but suddenly James and I were rolling around on the ground, me in his arms with him having caught me, and my giggles became infectious as James too started laughing with me – not at me, I was glad to see.
Our mutual laughter stopped as our eyes met each other’s. James lay on his back on the ground, me kneeling over him and as I stared into his eyes, I felt something I hadn’t felt for a long time. There was a shine there that I’d not really noticed before, something beautiful that sat deep within those dark brown eyes; a playful, mischievous streak that I had seen plenty of times before, but this time it was… different. My eyes had been drifting in and out of focus as the alcohol flowed through me, but suddenly the focus became sharp, like in the morning when I put my contact lenses in. I moved my head forwards, closer to James, and found myself pecking him lightly on his upper lip.
I pulled back, still looking into his eyes. They didn’t change; he didn’t move; his expression oddly blank.
“Sorry,” I said quietly, “I don’t know what came over me.”
I moved my paws from his shoulders and onto the ground beside him, ready to escape.
“No,” James said gently, taking hold of my own shoulders to stop me from pushing myself off up off of him. “I… um… I didn’t… um…” he tried to say something, I wasn’t sure what and I don’t think he knew either. Instead, he reached up, gently pulled my head down and pecked me lightly on my upper lip.
The tension seemed to break suddenly and we embraced each other in a mutual kiss – more than just a kiss, it was full on passion; my tongue exploring his mouth while his explored mine; my arms wrapping around his neck as he did the same, and soon we were once again rolling around on the ground. No giggles this time – well, not many – just two friends taking things just that step further.
“We should go inside,” I said, punctuating each word with a quick kiss between them, not really wanting the embrace to end, but wanting to get the words out. James said something that I think meant that he was in agreement, but it didn’t change what we were doing. Eventually some wag passing by shouted “Get a room!” towards us, in a tone of voice that sounded like they were a fourteen-year-old making a hilarious joke. (I briefly wondered if it was the stand-up ‘comedian’ we had been subjected to earlier on.) It was enough for us to remember that we were outside still, in public, and the way things were going we could well be arrested for indecent exposure, or worse: expelled. We clambered to our feet and led each other in a slight run back to our flat in the halls of residence, the giggling resuming as we did so. The laughter increased when James struggled to open the door with his keycard and I noticed that he was trying to use his library card.
“Here,” I said as I reached into my pocket, “let me try.”
James looked at the piece of plastic in my paw as I waved it across the card reader next to the door. 
“That’s your railcard,” he said.
The door slid open.
“Well, it worked, didn’t it?”
We piled into the reception area of the halls, narrowly missing the hedgehog coming the other way – the real reason the door opened.
It was probably just as well that our flat was on the ground floor. I waved my railcard at the card reader and was disappointed when the door didn’t unlatch for us to enter.
“I told you, silly,” James said, “That’s your railcard.”
“It worked a minute ago,” I said with disappointment.
“Let me try.” He grabbed my railcard and tried to unlock the door.
“Try it with your card, silly,” I said.
“Oh, right.”
Eventually one of us somehow found the right card that unlocked our flat door, and we found ourselves in the narrow corridor connecting our rooms to the kitchen.
“Your room or mine?” I asked, breathless through laughter and passion.
James thought for a moment.
“Do you lock your bedroom door?” he asked. I confirmed that I did. “Then we’d better use mine,” he said, opening his unlocked door and leading me in. I jumped onto his bed and lay on my back.
“Well, we have a room now,” I said.
III
Looking back, I expect that the events of this evening happened because it just happened to coincide with a time when I was in heat. I had had sex before, obviously, but there was something completely different about tonight. When I had been with other partners, there had been some action before, some sort of foreplay rather than just the drunken giggling fits and rolling around outside that James and I had done earlier – hands exploring over each other’s bodies, some mouth play, and eventually the boy slowly and gently entering my warm and waiting pussy. This time was very different.
There was a distinctive atmosphere in the room, and there felt like there was an urgency to what we were doing. I don’t remember James taking his clothes off, nor do I remember taking my jeans or pullover off, but there I was, sat on his bed while he stood in front of me. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t seen James naked before, and on more than one occasion. Likewise, there would have been times when he’d seen me naked, or close to it anyway. Along with Sally and Will, the other two students who shared our flat, there had been times when more than just a little bit of fur had been on show. Not in any sexual way, and it wasn’t like any of us were nudists or anything, but you know how it goes sometimes.
But right now, as he stood naked in front of me, I was seeing one of my best friends in a completely new way. The most obvious difference being that James’ penis was somewhat larger than I had seen it before; an unsheathed pinkish-red girth that, right at that moment, I wanted – no, I needed – inside of me. 
I lifted my spread legs off the floor so they hovered in the air to allow him to come closer. My panties were in the way, so they had to go but James was ahead of me there, his paws reaching for the waistband and pulling them down my legs. We were both panting, his cock seemingly twitching in anticipation of what it was about to do; I pulled my bra over my head while kicking my footpaws to assist James’ removal of my panties, and then lay back, sat on the edge of his bed with my legs spread, ready and waiting.
He didn’t disappoint. His powerful paws grasped my shoulders firmly yet tenderly as he came closer. There was a growl emanating from his throat, but not an aggressive one; I had only heard him growl aggressively once or twice and although it was similar, there were subtle differences that even in my aroused state I could pick up on. His cock twitched even more as the tip touched my body, his precum soaking into my fur and mixing with my own juices. 
Damn, I needed him inside of me, and now.
I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him down towards me. He was panting, his tongue lolling out of his mouth, the slobber dropping onto me. Normally, I would have been disgusted by this, but right now it added so much to what was happening, and what was going to happen.
His seemingly random stabbing motions I figured wasn’t him struggling to find the hole, but on each rub against my body, I felt a tingle travel from my bits and up my spine; it felt like those random shivers you get when somebody tells you they’ve walked over your grave – yet it was much more intense, the feeling shot up my body quicker, and each time it reached my head my arousal increased tenfold. I was also aware that on each thrust against me, he became harder if that was even possible. 
I pulled his head closer to mine and pecked him on his nose, then moving my mouth closer to his ear, grunted: “get inside of me”. 
I released his neck and instead reached down to grab his cock. The smooth, slick skin felt hot in my paw, and it was thicker than I realised; my fingertip just managed to reach my thumb as I grasped around it. But that wasn’t really on my mind at the time – only one thing was: get that thing inside of me. James was still randomly thrusting, seemingly oblivious to the fact that I was now in control of his aim. I spread my legs wider, and as I directed him into the right place, I felt myself subconsciously open myself up more.
The intensity of the tingle running up my spine made me feel like I was going to explode as I felt him enter me for the first time. A few thrusts later and I let go, James not needing guiding into me anymore. I lay back onto the mattress with a bounce and spread my arms out into a T-pose.
Feelings engulfed me, and I could barely remember where I was or what I was doing. My entire world at that moment was just that sensation of fullness – fullness of body, fullness of mind, fullness of spirit. I felt complete, I felt whole, I felt like I was one with James. As he thrust in and out of me, pushing deeper inside each time, I could feel myself tensing up; my arms reached back around James’ torso and I pulled myself up against him, and him closer into me. I felt his breath on my forehead as he panted over me, noticing with a strange and sudden clarity that our breathing, while very rapid, was pretty much in sync.
On many of my breaths out, a sharp noise came from my nose, the sound almost like I was stifling a sneeze; James was making short noises that was like a combination bark and yelp. I was aware that we were both approaching our climax when the sudden clarity disappeared, and raw passionate instinct took over once again.
He took a thrust into me which, somehow, I seemed to intuitively know was the final one; I arched myself up into him and pulled him tighter into me, grasping his butt as I did so. I heard a squirrel’s squeak and a dog’s bark somewhere in the room before realising that the noises came from me and James. I felt myself tighten around James, holding him in, and the muscles in my legs tense up, straightening out and grasping together around James’ thighs. I could feel my throat make noises, but at that moment I was unable to hear anything, the senses flooding through my head taking me away from the world, James’ release into me the only thing I could feel for absolute certain.
After an indeterminable length of time that was probably only a few seconds, I returned to the world and took stock of where I was, and how I felt. The post-orgasm euphoria was there having reached levels of intensity that I had not felt before. I wanted to say something – I don’t know what – but I couldn’t make any sound, not even a giggle, let alone any coherent words. I could feel that James was still cumming into me, and I felt fuller than I had ever felt before, not just physically full – which I certainly was – but there was an emotional fullness there too. I almost felt complete.
I had heard about what happens to a dog’s cock after he cums, and I know some girls prefer to make sure it doesn’t happen, except possibly female dogs, but I never thought I would experience it myself. Despite the tightness of James inside me, I felt something… new. Something growing. My mind couldn’t really concentrate on anything, but I remember feeling like there was a brief internal argument in my head – the bit of me that wanted to experience the whole thing, and the bit of me that didn’t. It was kind of too late for any decision to be made, but I think the side that wanted it was the winner of the argument. Which was just as well really, as it was happening. Growing inside of me, plugging me up, tying us together. James’ knot.
It almost felt like it was a tennis ball being inflated inside of me, but strangely I didn’t find it unpleasant. My mind was still on the come down from my orgasm, and I suppose it just seemed like the natural progression of things. James collapsed down onto me, the strength in his arms weakening as his own post-orgasm euphoria hit. I rolled over a bit onto my side, and he did the same. Small vestiges of arousal pulsed through my body as I felt what I assumed was James’ heartbeat through his knot, as well as the occasional last-effort squirt of cum into my body.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled his head towards mine. Again, I wanted to say something, but no words could be formed, so I just purred contentedly as I nuzzled his cheek. I felt, rather than heard, a low rumble coming from James, and assumed that was the canine equivalent to a contented purr. The feel of his knot was still very noticeable, but there was something almost soothing about how it felt inside of me; it felt like it should have been uncomfortable, but it wasn’t. Our two bodies had, temporarily, become one.
“Mmm, that feels nice,” I heard myself say, the first words I think I had spoken since we piled into his bedroom. It seemed like an age ago that we had fumbled our way into our flat and into the comfort of the bedroom. I thought back to the events of the evening, all the things that had happened in the lead up to this moment.
“Mmm,” James replied, more as a vocalisation of the low rumble purr than anything actually said.
The atmosphere in the room had changed slightly – gone was the urgency, and in its place was the companionship. I moved my head from where I had lay it on his shoulder, and pecked him on his lips. This was repeated a few times by each of us, until we broke into a proper kiss. More sensual than earlier in the evening when we were outside, almost more leisurely, but no less passionate. I felt James’ knot still inside of me; as we kissed, I could feel it grow again inside of me, but to nowhere near as much as it had been at the zenith of its size.
We had, without me properly realising, shuffled ourselves on his bed so we lay side by side, our heads in the general area of the pillows. I suddenly felt tired, and noticed that James eyes seemed to be drifting in and out of focus as the tiredness and effects of the alcohol we’d been drinking most of the evening properly began to hit in. Eventually, his knot deflated enough for our bodies to separate, and I suddenly felt empty. I nuzzled into his neck and pulled his duvet over our naked bodies, and together, wrapped in each other’s arms and tails, we drifted off to sleep.
IV
I was expecting to be hungover when I woke up, but wasn’t. It must have been mid-morning as sunlight was coming through the curtains, and a moment or two later I realised where I was and why I wasn’t alone in the bed. James was still asleep as I looked at him, the occasional twitch of his leg showing that he was dreaming of something. ‘Chasing squirrels’ was a term I had heard used for when a dog’s leg twitches when they sleep, and I wondered whether in this particular instance it wasn’t so much chasing as fucking. I felt mixed emotions, but as I worked through what I was thinking, the one emotion that I expected to feel was strangely absent: regret.
James was cute enough, but I knew I wasn’t in love with him. He was a great friend, and we had spent so many times together, both good times and bad, the fun times and the not so fun times. He had been there for me on many different occasions. And I had enjoyed last night, it was fun. I liked feeling him inside of me. The raw passion that existed between us, the mutual desire, the closeness. And oh my word, the knot.
Most girls I had heard of tried to avoid being knotted, but I honestly couldn’t see why. Last night was my first time with a canine, and I will always say that the feeling of the knot inside of me is an awesome feeling. I can see why some girls don’t like it, but, well, I’m not one of them.
But despite all that, I couldn’t see it going any further between us – it was a one-time thing as far as I was concerned. But I wasn’t sure how he felt though, did he want to take it further or not? I had no regret in what we had done, but a sudden worry crossed my mind – had we ruined our friendship thanks to one night of drunkenness? Could it even be attributed to just that? Maybe the year-and-a-half we had known each other had inevitably led to this moment. All those times we had spent together leading to this moment where we lay next to each other, still feeling the ghost of him inside of me. 
Not moving my gaze from James, I saw him stir as he began to wake. Was there similar confusion going on in his mind as he woke and felt somebody lying next to him? At least he wouldn’t have the same confusion I did as to where I was – unless he always felt confused to where he was when he woke up, which, knowing James, wasn’t entirely impossible.
“Morning James,” I said gently as his eyes opened.
He did look a bit confused at first before his eyes focused on me. He smiled.
“Morning Maeve,” he said. Damn was he cute. I couldn’t think properly. I felt a desire growing again, different to last night, but still a want for him to be inside me. What was happening? I didn’t love James, I was sure of that. So sure. 
James leant over and pecked me on the nose. Something he had done before, but this time… actually, no. This time it wasn’t different. It was the same friendly action he had done before. The difference was when he looked at me afterwards. That cheeky spark was still there in his eyes, but behind it was something else – a… nervousness? 
“What a night that was,” he said softly. “I… um… didn’t expect that to happen.”
“No.”
“But it did.”
“Yes.”
James was the first to turn away. For once, I couldn’t work out what he was thinking. I stole a look down the bed and wondered whether it was ‘morning wood’ or a glimpse into what he was thinking. Strange as it might sound, it wasn’t until now that I realised I was still naked and I became acutely aware of the desire once again growing within me. I stroked James’ cheek. I didn’t know what I was doing, it was almost as if something else was controlling me. My other paw reached around his back and I pulled him into me. 
If last night was the passionate, raw, unbridled fucking, this was the time for the gentle, sweet, intimate lovemaking. Maybe our friendship would be ruined over this, but there was a part of me that said it was worth it… The rational part of me knew that it wouldn’t be worth it, but that wasn’t the part of me that was in control. As I pulled him close to me, I looked into his eyes and kissed him, gently, but fervently. James seemed surprised, but soon got into the embrace.
My paw reached down and took hold of James’ doggy cock. It twitched I gave it a gentle squeeze. It was warm, and getting harder every second it was in my paw. Unlike last night, my paw could grasp all the way around him, but the harder he got the harder it became. A sly look crossed James’ face, reminding me of a fox I once knew, and I felt him reach out and caress my breast, my nipples becoming more sensitive the more he kneaded it; the more he kneaded by breasts, the more I squeezed his cock and the more I squeezed the more he kneaded.
I shuffled closer towards him, and started to guide him towards where my pussy was waiting. I could feel him take over as soon as the tip touched me, a gentle intrusion into my body yet a welcome one. It was so similar to last night, but so different as well – James was being gentler, yet no less passionate; the feelings between us still mutual and loving. I became aware that my breathing was becoming rapid and my heartbeat increasing as I felt James both push his way inside of me as well as still massage my breasts. I felt hot – but not in an uncomfortable turn-off-the-heater sort of way, but a heat that was emanating from within me, spreading out as we joined our bodies together. I let go of his cock as he pushed deeper inside, and reached my paw around his back, pulling him into me.
On each thrust into me, I arched my back into him, pushing him into me. On each thrust, the friction between us increased the heat, and the sensitivity of my clit grew. I could tell I wasn’t going to cum myself, but apart from that it didn’t take long before I felt what I had felt last night; his knot beginning to grow as he prepared to shoot his cum into my waiting womb. Our thrusting slowed down and I couldn’t tell if he wanted to be inside me or not as he knotted, but I wanted it inside me; that full feeling once again as the canine cock did its thing. I grabbed his butt with both paws and pulled him into me as I sensed he was approaching his climax.
I guess it’s right what they say about boys in the morning – they just want to get out what’s been collecting inside them throughout the night. As fucks go, it wasn’t the longest I’d had, but then again it wasn’t the shortest either. But as I felt James’ cum flood my body, and the cork of his knot lock into me, it was perfect. It wasn’t as big as it felt last night, but satisfied that he couldn’t pull out straight away, I released my grip on his butt and moved my paws up to his back to hold him in a hug. My head rested on his body and as I felt his breathing slow down from his climax and heard his heart beat through his chest, I may even have purred. Our bodies locked together, not wanting us to separate and leave this moment of intimacy, I felt full, content, comfortable… yet despite all this, I was sure of one thing.
I wasn’t in love with James.
V
His knot eventually deflated and we separated. As James went into his bathroom, I grabbed my clothes from where we unceremoniously threw them on the floor last night, and double-checking that Sally and Will weren’t around, I stepped, still naked, into the corridor that connected our rooms and quickly let myself into my own bedroom. There were so many emotions running through my head but strangely I still felt alright – I had no regrets for what we had done, I had enjoyed it. I had generally been led to believe that sex was for people who were in love, but the events of the previous evening was making me question that.
As I stepped into my shower, I thought back to the other boys I had fucked in the past, some even as recently as the summer just gone. Had I loved them? I thought I had at the time, but had I really? I hadn’t felt the same the morning after like I felt now. I was still tingling down there, the lingering sensation another feeling that I don’t remember experiencing before – except possibly with Benjy, when I was 16 and sex was still new to both of us.
I thought back to yesterday. It was almost like I was washing away the day, or the bad parts of the day anyway. That horrible group presentation. The feeling that I just wanted to get away from it all. That want to just mope around. Then I thought of James, and how he was there for me, how he knew exactly what I wanted to do and exactly what I needed to do, and how those two things weren’t the same. How he cheered me up, made me laugh – not just yesterday, but all the time. I tried to feel love for him, but it just wasn’t there; there was nothing more than the love of close friends, and certainly nothing romantic.
Yet, I was fine with that.
I just wondered if he would be.
* * *
The vague smell of wet dog was overpowered by the smell of almost burnt toast, perfectly cooked bacon, cheap baked beans, questionable sausages, and scrambled eggs made with eggs that were almost slightly too old to eat. Standard student hangover breakfast. Last Christmas, Sally and I bought James a chef’s hat which he often wore without irony while cooking for the four of us, although he hadn’t chosen to wear it this morning. This year we were planning on getting him a pinny, which we were certain he would wear, again, without irony.
My part in our breakfast endeavour was to grab two mugs from the cupboard, plonk a tea bag in each one, and boil the kettle. Definitely the easier part to do.
Not long later, the two of us sat at the breakfast bar in the kitchen-cum-lounge of our student flat, and ate in silence. I watched James eat, wondering what was going through his mind, hoping any thoughts about me would be similar to the thoughts I had about him, but knowing that more likely any of his current thoughts would be about the sausages on the plate in front of him.
Fully aware that it was pointless to have a conversation with a dog while he was eating, I waited until he had finished before addressing the elephant in the room.
“We need to talk… about last night… and… this morning…” I said, struggling to find the words to say even though they came to mind easy. James looked up at me. I really wished I could tell what he was thinking, but as usual his face looked blank. “It wasn’t a mistake. It wasn’t anything I regret. But…”
“You’re saying it didn’t mean anything?” Neutral.
“No, I’m not saying that,” I replied, “but I just think that it should be a one off. We’re good friends, and I don’t want to lose that from us.”
James was quiet for a moment. He was obviously thinking. I bit my lip, partially out of nervousness, partially to stop myself from saying anything to interrupt his thoughts.
“You’re right,” he said after what felt like an eternity. “You’re a really good friend Maeve, and I don’t want to lose that. I enjoyed last night, I really did. And not just the sex, but the whole evening – from the dodgy stand-up in the bar, to when you fell out of the tree and I somehow caught you, to us somehow managing to get into the flat. It was a great night, and I’m glad we had it together.”
“I didn’t fall out of the tree,” I blurted out.
“Yeah, you did,” James laughed.
“I jumped!”
“You fell,” he said with a voice that was the final say in the matter. 
I chuckled slightly. “Thanks for catching me,” I said quietly.
James’ smile broadened at that as he picked up his mug of tea. He held it by his mouth as he spoke, still smiling but with a serious tone now in his voice. “You’re right, it wasn’t a mistake, and I don’t regret it either.” 
As James took a sip from his mug, I realised why he held it up to his face before speaking. I kind of wanted to hold my mug for comfort too, but all I had in my paws was my knife and fork – not really comforting unless you got comfort from holding somebody still while slicing into them.
“You’re a good friend,” James said, “a really good friend. Seriously. I can’t count the number of times since I met you that I’ve been thankful for our friendship. You’ve been there for me when I’ve needed it, and listened to me when I’ve gone off on one, whether I’ve made sense or not – and I know that I don’t always make sense.”
I looked at him, the words I wanted to say not coming out of my mouth. They weren’t even coming out of the part of my brain that forms words.
James went on. “You’re a person I never want to lose as a friend – I want to know you for ever, right up to the time when we’re doddery old people in a nursing home, shaking our walking sticks at whatever the youth of today are doing.” He paused in thought, the smile still on his face. We were looking at each other, James still holding his mug of tea – which I now noticed was empty and probably had been for a while – and me still dumbly holding my cutlery.
“I’m not gonna lie,” he said quietly, “I enjoyed the sex. You’re probably one of the best lays I’ve ever had. And if you wanted to do it again, I wouldn’t say no – but I respect our friendship too and know it would complicate things.”
There was a long pause before I realised that it was my cue to speak. When I did, I could barely hear myself, so I don’t know how James managed to hear me. Dog hearing probably.
“Thanks,” I said. “And I’m sorry.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry about,” he responded kindly.
“And,” I found myself saying, “I probably wouldn’t say ‘no’ either.”
There was an almost imperceptible twitch of James’ ear. 
“No,” I said as James opened his mouth and I deflected his question before it had a chance to be spoken – this time, I could tell what he was thinking.
“But…”
I smiled. “No,” I repeated. “Apart from anything else, we’ve both just showered and we’ve both got lectures this afternoon.”
I laughed a bit when I saw James theatrically slump and put an exaggerated frown on his face – with the mischievous glint in his eye showing it was just an act. He stood up to take his plate to the sink and I stood up to follow him.
“No!” I repeated with comic sharpness as he breathed in to say something.
“I didn’t say anything!” he said as I stood behind him and put my arms around his shoulders.
“So what were you going to say?”
A pause. “I don’t know.”
I laughed, more this time. I put my head on his shoulder. “Thanks, James,” I said, and gave him a quick friend kiss on the cheek. 
“Don’t worry about it Maeve.”
* * *
I did wonder if maybe we’d end up as being ‘friends with benefits’, but in the end there was an unspoken decision between us to not talk about what had happened between us ever again. I don’t know why, but I was surprised that nothing had really changed between us, except that, if anything, our friendship was stronger than it was before. 
A couple of weeks later, we went to our respective homes for the Christmas break; myself back to Hazelford and James back to Norwich. James liked his pinny, and as Sally and I suspected, wore it proudly while he cooked our flat’s Christmas Dinner – and, I must say, that shade of pink did suit him.
The only regret I did have from this experience was that I didn’t buy him a walking stick as a Christmas present, ready for him to wave at the young people of Norwich as he yelled at them to get off his lawn.
VI
“… Happy birthday dear Maeve… Happy birthday to you!”
The small group of people finished singing to me as I sat awkwardly at our dining room table. Along with my dad and sister Rachel, Rachel’s girlfriend Ellie was with us having stayed overnight, as were my aunt Sam and my six-year-old cousin Josh who had been staying with us over Christmas. I was due to have a bigger celebration later on in January to properly celebrate my twentieth birthday, but the problem with being born between Christmas and New Year is that you tend to get forgotten about sometimes.
I blew out the candles and claimed to those around me that I’d made a wish even though I hadn’t. While Dad removed the candles, Sam handed me a knife to cut. I wasn’t sure if I could face cake for breakfast, even if it was the Christmas season and eating weird things at weird times was par for the course. For the last few days, I’d been feeling sick in the mornings as I woke. It usually passed after a little while but this morning it didn’t seem to be. Maybe that’s what I should have wished for – for this bug to pass.
I cut a slice of the cake, and as the as the icing broke and the scent of the marzipan and fruit wafted up in the air it suddenly became too much. I jumped up, put my hand over my mouth, and ran towards the toilet, pulling open the door and lifting the seat just in time to empty my stomach into the bowl.
Well, that wasn’t quite the birthday present I was expecting.
“You okay, Maeve?” Rachel’s voice came from behind me. She had a glass of water in her paw which she offered. I took a mouthful, swilled it around my mouth, and spat it into the bowl.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said, and strangely, it wasn’t a lie. I guess there’s an element of truth in ‘better out than in’. I did the same with another mouthful of water before taking a proper sip and flushing the toilet. I looked up to see Rachel’s worried face looking back at me. “Really, I’m fine.”
She didn’t look convinced, but left me to it. I rinsed my mouth out again, flushed the toilet, and went to the sink to wash my face. I had a niggling feeling run through my mind as I rubbed the wet flannel over my mouth and I paused briefly as I looked in the mirror. Another wave of nausea passed through me and I reached to lift the toilet seat, but it quickly passed as an uncomfortable thought entered my head. 
I was late.
When I returned to the dining room, the nausea had passed, I felt better and – more importantly – felt like eating birthday cake for breakfast. I couldn’t ignore the five concerned faces looking in my direction as I sat down.
“I’m fine,” I said, reaching out for the knife to continue cutting the cake. “Just must have been something I ate last night. It’s all gone now, so let’s eat cake.”
“Cake!” shouted Josh, paws in my direction.
“You know,” I said to the kit, “normally the birthday girl gets the first slice,”
Josh looked at me, big eyes that would normally have anybody give in to his demands. Not this squirrel. I looked him in those eyes and slowly, deliberately, and gleefully took a bite from the cake that was in my paw. I managed to hold back my laughter as the look on Josh’s face was one that strongly resembled betrayal of the most treacherous kind. I took another slow bite. 
“Now you can have some.” I said, cutting another slice and giving it to him. 
“Cake!” he shouted again, the look of betrayal disappearing almost as quickly as it had appeared.
“What do you say Josh?” Sam said as he was about to take a bite.
Josh closed his mouth, looked up at me, and said, “Thank you Maeve.”
I let out a chuckle as Josh inhaled the cake. “Who else wants?” I asked rhetorically, cutting more slices. The others all reached out and grabbed their portion.
“Y’know,” said Ellie, “it’s a good thing you made it to the toilet in time. Mum spent ages making this for you.”
Rachel looked at the badger. “She bought it from Smorrisburys,” she said.
“Ssh, you weren’t supposed to say that,” Ellie replied through a mouth full of what I already knew was shop-bought cake. 
“Well,” Rachel said, “She did decorate it even if she didn’t bake it.”
I looked at the two of them. Not quite thirteen yet, yet the pair were so sure of themselves. They’d been dating for about a year now, but had been best friends for at least ten years since. I was fairly certain that they were… active in their relationship with each other. Rachel was quite open with me but this was something she hadn’t told me, but I could sense something – and, not that I’d tell them – the squeaks and moans coming from Rachel’s bedroom last night were a bit of a tell too. I suddenly thought of James. Maybe that’s what a loving relationship was really: close friendship. As I thought of him, that niggling feeling ran through my head again and I felt myself subconsciously put my hand on my stomach.
I didn’t like where this niggling feeling was leading me.
“What do you think, Maeve?” Dad said to me.
“What?”
“Didn’t think you were paying attention,” he said with a smile.
“So what do I think of what?” 
“Nothing,” he said.
“Oh, come on, you can ask again.”
“No, really – nothing. I just said that to see if you were paying attention, and you weren’t, so I was right.”
I closed my eyes and shook my head. “Dad,” I said, exasperated, elongating the word like a petulant teenager. Not that I was a teenager anymore.
“Coffee?”
“Please.”
* * *
Three days later, on New Year’s Eve, Sam found me in the kitchen as we were preparing to go out for the evening. Ellie’s family had invited us over to their sett to see the old year out and the new year in. The Reynolds’ could host a good party, their skill at that being much better than Laura’s cake-baking skills, and it would be a good night if past NYEs were anything to go by. 
Sam was Dad’s younger sister, and was ten years older than I was. She had kind of taken me under her wing a bit when Mum died – not overwhelmingly so, but just enough to help me through some of the harder parts of adolescence. And, as it would soon become apparent, harder parts of adulthood.
She passed me a small bag from the nearby pharmacy.
“Here,” she said gently, “you might want to use this before we go out drinking tonight.” I was fairly sure without having to look in the bag what was in there, but I must have looked confused as Sam continued. “I’ve noticed things in the last week or so. And if you’re anything like I was with Josh, you want to pretend it isn’t happening, but you’re better off making sure sooner rather than later.”
I looked into the bag, and as I suspected, found a pregnancy test. I didn’t know who Josh’s father was, I just knew that he wasn’t on the scene at all and perhaps never had been. I knew would be my child’s father, and I was trying to ignore it, so could understand where Sam was coming from. I thought back over the past week or so. Was it actually obvious? Maybe I didn’t need to take a test. Not really.
Sam picked up on my reticence. “You need to know for certain, one way or the other.”
I swallowed, looked up at my aunt, and nodded. I wanted to say ‘thank you’, but the words couldn’t come; I suspect Sam knew. She had been there, I suddenly realised. I didn’t really know her exact circumstances, but it wasn’t important. The important thing was that she was there for me and had the experience that I was now fairly certain that I was about to go through myself. I climbed up the stairs, locked myself into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and started to read the instructions.
Half an hour later, I picked up my phone and called James.
“Hey Maeve, you’re a bit early to wish me a happy new year!” he said as he answered. “You’ve still got seven more hours to go! Or are you trying to get in early in case you forget how to use a phone again?”
I laughed nervously. I laughed because what he said was funny, but was nervous because… well…
“No, it’s not that,” I said, “I… um…” I swallowed, hoping the sound didn’t come over the phone line. “I need to tell you something…”