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"description": "CW: Needles/injections, restraint, gaslighting, toxic positivity, medical abuse, vomit\n\n(Not sure if every warning is the right fit, but I want to be thorough. This is troubling stuff, please be advised and don't read this if you're even a little uncomfortable. I don't want my trauma to be yours, too.)\n\nToday, I took a shower. I didn't play music or funny podcasts to distract myself from my own spiraling thoughts, and so I watched my thoughts spiral. They settled onto my biggest fear, a real deal phobia. One I have to experience over and over, no avoiding it.\n\nSuddenly I pictured something, and then something more. I pictured a whole series of drawings, clear as day. I wrote dialogue. I crafted panel layouts. It was striking. I finished my shower, and without even putting my glasses on, I sat down and sketched a rough series of panels into my sketchbook, before the imagery could get muddled or lost. Before I could talk myself out of embracing my feelings.\n\nI'm afraid of needles.\n\nIt looks like such a simple thing. Object -> Fear -> Done. What a small sentence that impacts my life so deeply, and leads to so much misunderstanding, resentment, and shame.\n\nI've tried to describe what it means for me, how much more it is than a fear of an injection. How my symptoms are so extreme, how it's spread to more and more triggers, how it's prevented me from getting proper basic medical care as a result. But nothing can get this across with even a fraction of what it does to me.\n\nPeople want to help. Their instinct is to minimize, relate and reassure. I understand this. You might be thinking some of the following things even right now;\n-Everyone hates needles\n-I know someone who also has a phobia\n-At least it's quick, one and done\n-I have to use needles for medication, I know how you feel\n-At least it doesn't hurt much\n-At least it's not that often\n\nI will now speak without reservation, without empathy for what people are trying to say, and instead from how I feel in response. How it feels when I'm at the doctor's office, waking up in a cold sweat. How it feels when I'm slumped over a garbage pail and retching, while a nurse watches uncomfortably after they ignored my explanation. How it feels that night, when I can't sleep because of shivering flashbacks and threat of relapse.\n\nTo everyone that has said these things to me, every friend, every partner, every family member, and especially every doctor; I hate you.\n\nWhen you get a shot, does your chest lose all feeling and go numb? Do you become unable to breathe, while you feel consciousness slip out of your body tangibly? Do you convulse before passing out? Do your fingers strain and bend backwards? Do you fall on your face, get a bloody nose on the linoleum, because no one would hold you down? Do you wake up again with short term memory loss? Do you vomit uncontrollably for hours after? Do you lay in bed for days, staying perfectly still while you try not to relapse and go through it all over again?\n\nDo you feel brave?\n\nThis is my reality. I want it to be seen as it is. I want to be heard. That is all.",
"description_bbcode_parsed": "CW: Needles/injections, restraint, gaslighting, toxic positivity, medical abuse, vomit
(Not sure if every warning is the right fit, but I want to be thorough. This is troubling stuff, please be advised and don't read this if you're even a little uncomfortable. I don't want my trauma to be yours, too.)
Today, I took a shower. I didn't play music or funny podcasts to distract myself from my own spiraling thoughts, and so I watched my thoughts spiral. They settled onto my biggest fear, a real deal phobia. One I have to experience over and over, no avoiding it.
Suddenly I pictured something, and then something more. I pictured a whole series of drawings, clear as day. I wrote dialogue. I crafted panel layouts. It was striking. I finished my shower, and without even putting my glasses on, I sat down and sketched a rough series of panels into my sketchbook, before the imagery could get muddled or lost. Before I could talk myself out of embracing my feelings.
I'm afraid of needles.
It looks like such a simple thing. Object -> Fear -> Done. What a small sentence that impacts my life so deeply, and leads to so much misunderstanding, resentment, and shame.
I've tried to describe what it means for me, how much more it is than a fear of an injection. How my symptoms are so extreme, how it's spread to more and more triggers, how it's prevented me from getting proper basic medical care as a result. But nothing can get this across with even a fraction of what it does to me.
People want to help. Their instinct is to minimize, relate and reassure. I understand this. You might be thinking some of the following things even right now;
-Everyone hates needles
-I know someone who also has a phobia
-At least it's quick, one and done
-I have to use needles for medication, I know how you feel
-At least it doesn't hurt much
-At least it's not that often
I will now speak without reservation, without empathy for what people are trying to say, and instead from how I feel in response. How it feels when I'm at the doctor's office, waking up in a cold sweat. How it feels when I'm slumped over a garbage pail and retching, while a nurse watches uncomfortably after they ignored my explanation. How it feels that night, when I can't sleep because of shivering flashbacks and threat of relapse.
To everyone that has said these things to me, every friend, every partner, every family member, and especially every doctor; I hate you.
When you get a shot, does your chest lose all feeling and go numb? Do you become unable to breathe, while you feel consciousness slip out of your body tangibly? Do you convulse before passing out? Do your fingers strain and bend backwards? Do you fall on your face, get a bloody nose on the linoleum, because no one would hold you down? Do you wake up again with short term memory loss? Do you vomit uncontrollably for hours after? Do you lay in bed for days, staying perfectly still while you try not to relapse and go through it all over again?
Do you feel brave?
This is my reality. I want it to be seen as it is. I want to be heard. That is all.",
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