Soon the world will be covered in darkness. Living shadows and monsters are coming out at night, so most people are hurrying home. Those who stay are either fools or monsters themselves. You are one of those who are heading to your warm and safe home. The golden rays of sunset make your black hair shine in such a way that you look like a holy figure. I can't take my eyes off of you, and I follow you as you weave your way through the streets and alleys. Shadows are growing darker and stronger and their claws want to reach out for you, but it's not their time yet. And I keep following you like a loyal shadow or the most obedient dog. I want to make sure that you'll get home safely. You know that I'm here and there's no fear in your heart. You practically radiate pureness and you have shown me the most gorgeous smile I have ever seen. I would follow you anywhere.

Unfortunately, our journey together is short. We eventually reach your home. You say your goodbyes to me and disappear into your house. I'm left behind, just staring at the door for a good while. It has separated us and I'm all alone in the world now. One more time I reach for the wooden barrier between us and touch it, as if I could feel your body through it. Yet again you have rejected my presence. I feel my heart aching and I bang the door with my head. I have to accept that you're gone for now and in the end, I manage to drag myself away from your safe place. I'll see you tomorrow, I'm sure, but the night feels endless. It hasn't even arrived yet.

Everything around me turns darker and more hopeless as I make it to a place I call home. Even though I call it that, it doesn't really feel like one. It's lonely and full of despair and misery. I have a little candle that I keep near the door so I can have some light whenever I come home late. I lit it up and a weak flame offers me some light as I travel further into the house. The shadows are skittering in every corner. I don't fear them. With the feeble candle guiding my way, I get to my bedroom. Carefully I place the source of my light to a nightstand, where it can make company with a beautiful vase that had few roses in it. This vase was probably the most valuable thing in the room. I took one of the roses in my hand and admired its beauty, even though it had already started to wither away.

Memories are sneaking into my mind. I gave you these roses, which I thought were the prettiest one could ever give. And you turned them down and you gave me a deceiving dazzling smile as you did so. It was strange that a man would give other man flowers, you had said. And I complied, even though it was like a stab to the heart. I carried on like nothing had happened, but from the inside, I was in pain.

I clench the stalk with my hand and the thorns of the rose dig into my skin.

Why can't you see how much I love you? You just keep pushing me away with an adorable smile. Don't you see what you're doing to me? I'm withering inside, just like this rose I'm holding. All I want is your love, is that really impossible in this life? 

A heavy sigh leaves my mouth and I drop the rose to the floor. I bury my face into my hands, feeling so defeated.

Am I cursed? Is the love between two men forbidden? I have no idea. Maybe I should just go to sleep. I fall down on my bed. I close my eyes and wait for my consciousness to fade, when my spirit would leave my body and fly away to do its nightly journey. The shadows have settled down. Everything is calm and silent in the world. And so I fall asleep, but I can't take my mind off you even when I'm sleeping and I dream of you.

Like a phoenix that rises from its ashes, I wake up to the world of light with renewed hope. I had another lonely night, but now I can see you again, so it doesn't matter. I want to be in your presence so badly that I don't care about eating or drinking anything and I leave my wretched home, just to be with you. This is my daily routine, day after day.

You look so handsome every time I see you. You give me a magical sensation every day when we meet for the first time, it's like you are reason that my dark heart starts to beat. And it beats only for you.

But you don't notice that. You don't see how much I love you. And while there's nothing I want more than spend time with you, be close to you, it's hurting me too. And day after day it becomes worse. Doubt and despair are taking their roots inside my head and it rapidly becomes harder and harder to ignore such thoughts that stir only agony. You have no idea how much you're tormenting me.

I want to kiss you. I want to hold you close. But I don't dare to do anything. Every time I try to reach for you, something in your presence deflects me. It's like there's some sort of invisible barrier that separates you from everything else. My hands will shake and I can't raise them in order to touch you. Whenever I attempt to say how much I love you, my words get stuck in my throat and they began to choke me. Am I imagining things or is there some force in play that prevents us to be together? Or is it just you? Why don't you want me, though?

Day by day I become more and more frustrated, more helpless, more desperate. These feelings had grown almost unbearable during the time of day when there's light. But the nights and time of darkness are horrible. I can barely sleep and I cry a lot. I just want to be embraced and loved; I want to be the most important thing in this life to you. And I have wished that more than anything, hoping that if I wish it hard enough, it will come true.

However, my faith has started to falter. The darkness has planted even more seeds of negativity in my head. I have begun to think that this is how everything is meant to be, that I'm forever alone and miserable. My love for you is doomed, has always been. But how can it be eradicated when my whole heart's purpose is to beat for you?

I shake my head. I'm surrounded by darkness. Shadows are mocking me; they can read my heart like if it were an open book. They are laughing, pointing at me with their dark claws. I sit on my cold bed, my hands on my lap. A small and weak candle is placed on my nightstand, but it's too puny to banish the shadows. In fact, they are even toying around with its light, which causes it to flicker as if sudden gusts of wind were tormenting it. But I don't care. I don't want to care about anything anymore.

All this pain, all this desperation… I think my heart is sick. It has been infected with the nastiest illness there is. It's killing me slowly, I'm withering inside. Am I destined to just suffer this sickness, all alone?

I raise a hand and touch my chest, around the area where my dark heart is. I feel no beating. That doesn't surprise me, it's only alive when I'm with you. I clench my fist and scrunch my clothing, like I would like to do to my own heart. The shadows have started to chant, inciting me to do it. They are touching my hands, trying to grasp them and guide them. It feels a bit cold when they touch my skin. I try my best to ignore them, but the more they chant, the more I start to agree with them.

If your love won't cure my heart, this sickness, then there is only one thing that could end all this agony.

The shadows sense the change in my mind. They have stopped their ominous chanting and now they're embracing me, like if they were my friends. A couple are still holding my hands and their dark matter is merging with my flesh. They are giving me claws as a gift, a tool to carry on my task. Then they retreat a little, becoming onlookers. I look at my hands that are now blessed by shades. The hands are now covered by something dark, but I can still see my skin through it. There is faint shimmer around my new claws and as I turn my hands to admire the fantastic job the shadows have done; my hands keep glimmering in the feeble light of the candle like a purest snow in a sunny day.

I try them out, once again grasping the fabric of my shirt. It ruptures easily, it was as effortless as tearing paper. I look at my claws again. Then a picture of you flashes in my mind for a brief second, but that was enough. I strike with my claws, right at my chest, and bury them deep within me. Red nectar of life starts to bleed; it flows down my body and drips to the floor. I cry out from pain as I keep tearing my own flesh, but this ache is nothing compared to the one loving you has caused. I'm slashing, ripping and tearing, my skin torn to shreds as I'm reaching out for my heart.

I'm a madman at this point.

So I keep digging, bleeding, staining my bed and floor with blood, until I finally get to the organ I've been looking for. Firmly I grasp it and with one powerful pull, I yank it out of my chest, spraying blood everywhere. And I take a look at it, suddenly holding it gently on my palm. It's dark and not beating, and it looks just as miserable as I thought it would. I feel tremendous hate for this thing and with an abrupt rage, I crush the heart with my hand. Then I violently throw it to the floor where it splats with a disgusting sound. And there it will lay, along with all the blood.

I bury my face in my bloody hands and I start to sob, letting out all the black tears of bitterness. But it doesn't really help; removing my heart hasn't made me feel better, either. I'm still stuck with this illness, I still long for your presence. I don't want to have such feelings anymore, but how can I get rid of them? But the shadows, they know what I should do. They whisper in my ear, although it's hard to understand what they're saying. However, bit by bit I have began to realize what they're advising me to do. And so I lift my head, the tears still rolling down my face.

Of course, it's so obvious! I just have to get your heart out of your chest as well! While it still beats, it keeps tormenting me, infecting me. Now I know what I have to do, so I stood up, the shadows swirling around me, being excited. I don't need my candle anymore and I blend in with the darkness. I'm still crying black tears as I make it through my pitch-black home. Soon I step outside to the cold night air. Tonight, I'm not afraid of monsters – because tonight, I am one. I start to move to the direction of your home.

Just wait me, my darling. I'm coming.