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  "description": "Sometimes...\n\nI hate the choices I make\nI hate the path I take\nI hate that I hurt others\nI hate that I even get angry\nI hate that I am not stronger\nI hate that I can't be what others want\nI hate that I can't be what someone needs\nI hate that I am always tired\nI hate this body that I am trapped in\nI hate this life that I live\nI hate the war inside me\nI hate the things I have done\nI hate the things I might do\nI hate my instincts\nI hate my judgement of others\nI hate it when I cant help\nI hate the worthless feeling\nI hate the time I lose with friends\nI hate that I don't care enough for family\nI hate that I sometimes am selfish\nI hate my temper\nI hate yelling\nI hate my stubbornness\nI hate that I don't give enough\nI hate that I don't support my friends enough\nI hate the heart that I have\nI hate everything about me\n\nSimply put sometimes...I...hate...me.\n\nSometimes I think everything would be better if I never existed at all. So I hurt myself...sometimes. I'd rather hurt myself, blame myself then others in truth. Maybe if I hit my head hard enough something will change in my brain to make me better. To make me, not me.\n\nLately I have felt despair for many of the reason listed above and more. This vent art was commissioned to help me. Help me to calm down, help me to remember that I'm not a good person in my own eyes. But, mostly its to help me change and grow. To be better, for those I care about. I want to be what they need of me, what they expect of me. I want to be the one that can help, that's understanding and calm. I don't want to be who I am now. I think I am a horrible excuse, a waste of space some times.\n\nA part of my frustrations is that I want to be myself in certain aspects. But some of those qualities are criticized, causing hatred upon me. It's all so confusing I can't tell if their views are right or mine. So a war goes on inside me with whats expected I should be and what I am. If I'm not directly hurting anyone then why does it matter I think sometimes. Then other times I think that if I care about others I will be that person for them and it's selfish of me to want to be who I think I was meant to be. I feel so torn on so many different levels that I sometimes lash out on accident. Saying things that might be rude because I'm unable to cope. It's not their fault but mine. Why can't I fix myself?\n\nI've done things in the past, lying, swearing, physical violence, even stealing (well I considered it stealing), etc. All of this when I was a kid. People say it's a part of growing up and discovering yourself. I hate that I did any of those things because I am not that type of person. It's not who I am or want to be and yet...I did those things. I lie constantly to everyone around me that I am a furry, a golden nine tailed fox. They don't understand and I've been ridiculed for it before. So I feel like I am living one big lie everyday when I go to bed and when I wake up. I feel so exhausted but I also think that is no excuse. I don't want anyone else to hurt because of me.\n\nI just...\n\nI just don't know how to change...\n\nI just don't know which path is right...\n\nAnd so sometimes...\n\nI hate being me.\n\n\n\nKira Redpaw © Me\n\nPicture © Luca",
  "description_bbcode_parsed": "<span style='word-wrap: break-word;'>Sometimes...<br /><br />I hate the choices I make<br />I hate the path I take<br />I hate that I hurt others<br />I hate that I even get angry<br />I hate that I am not stronger<br />I hate that I can&#039;t be what others want<br />I hate that I can&#039;t be what someone needs<br />I hate that I am always tired<br />I hate this body that I am trapped in<br />I hate this life that I live<br />I hate the war inside me<br />I hate the things I have done<br />I hate the things I might do<br />I hate my instincts<br />I hate my judgement of others<br />I hate it when I cant help<br />I hate the worthless feeling<br />I hate the time I lose with friends<br />I hate that I don&#039;t care enough for family<br />I hate that I sometimes am selfish<br />I hate my temper<br />I hate yelling<br />I hate my stubbornness<br />I hate that I don&#039;t give enough<br />I hate that I don&#039;t support my friends enough<br />I hate the heart that I have<br />I hate everything about me<br /><br />Simply put sometimes...I...hate...me.<br /><br />Sometimes I think everything would be better if I never existed at all. So I hurt myself...sometimes. I&#039;d rather hurt myself, blame myself then others in truth. Maybe if I hit my head hard enough something will change in my brain to make me better. To make me, not me.<br /><br />Lately I have felt despair for many of the reason listed above and more. This vent art was commissioned to help me. Help me to calm down, help me to remember that I&#039;m not a good person in my own eyes. But, mostly its to help me change and grow. To be better, for those I care about. I want to be what they need of me, what they expect of me. I want to be the one that can help, that&#039;s understanding and calm. I don&#039;t want to be who I am now. I think I am a horrible excuse, a waste of space some times.<br /><br />A part of my frustrations is that I want to be myself in certain aspects. But some of those qualities are criticized, causing hatred upon me. It&#039;s all so confusing I can&#039;t tell if their views are right or mine. So a war goes on inside me with whats expected I should be and what I am. If I&#039;m not directly hurting anyone then why does it matter I think sometimes. Then other times I think that if I care about others I will be that person for them and it&#039;s selfish of me to want to be who I think I was meant to be. I feel so torn on so many different levels that I sometimes lash out on accident. Saying things that might be rude because I&#039;m unable to cope. It&#039;s not their fault but mine. Why can&#039;t I fix myself?<br /><br />I&#039;ve done things in the past, lying, swearing, physical violence, even stealing (well I considered it stealing), etc. All of this when I was a kid. People say it&#039;s a part of growing up and discovering yourself. I hate that I did any of those things because I am not that type of person. It&#039;s not who I am or want to be and yet...I did those things. I lie constantly to everyone around me that I am a furry, a golden nine tailed fox. They don&#039;t understand and I&#039;ve been ridiculed for it before. So I feel like I am living one big lie everyday when I go to bed and when I wake up. I feel so exhausted but I also think that is no excuse. I don&#039;t want anyone else to hurt because of me.<br /><br />I just...<br /><br />I just don&#039;t know how to change...<br /><br />I just don&#039;t know which path is right...<br /><br />And so sometimes...<br /><br />I hate being me.<br /><br /><br /><br />Kira Redpaw &copy; Me<br /><br />Picture &copy; Luca</span>",
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