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Yet how useless must this machine feel, how powerless, if it cannot pull me out of itself, where I, regardless of it's efforts, keep trying to end me.\nEy, am I worrying about how a machine feels? I guess in a world as messed up as this, even these things get depressed. Boohoo.\n\nHis name is Hart. He decided to show up out of nowhere, kind of stalking me. Turns out it is what it is. An armored shell capable of mass destruction, yet , It just wanders around the city with me. \nHe appeared after my heart went missing. It left it's message really clear. it's not that \"I have it by my side\", but rather, I have to build it for myself. Anyway, I can sense my heart is around, she just doesn't interpret herself, much like Indigo.\nI found it funny, how I longed to be alone in this empty city, streets covered by the shadows of absurdly tall buildings. I loved walking down the pier, seeing the ocean without waves. Feeling happy with my creation, even though it's pretty much plagiarism. \nAnd now, I miss the person that showed up and tried to kick me out of it. We surely are something else. But i'm calm, Hart is here. An awful thing straight out of some anime, and incredibly enough, it ISN'T copied! (yeah right), he doesn't even have a face yet, after all this time.\nSo, I begin talking to him. It makes sense, My heart is not here but Hart is. None entity can exist while the other does. Or so I thought, Until I realized my heart was disgustingly encrusted on it's back. \nAnd my eyes shattered. My heart and the machine were one. I was one with them. quite literally, nothing that exist here can NOT be me. \nYet they come up with all this interesting conversations, that I had no previous knowledge of. I guess a neural network is infinitely odd.\n\nAnd still...\nAnd still.\nAnd still, I take shelter inside the machine, taking shelter from myself, and itself by extension. The lights flicker red, alarms sound, the city goes on lockdown and the neons turn red. Now there's lightning in the city. Did I mention it's always night here? night, a dark cloudy sky too, a perfect place to step on a balcony and think of jumping from it because it doesn't exist. Now, since the ground doesn't either, jumping won't do shit. So I do it anyways. Hart shows up, and catches me in the air with a loud metal sound. It's caging me in, and I'm pissed off. I start punching and kicking the walls, the controllers, the seat. I scream for it to let me out, I break the screens, and try to tear the metal sections apart, tearing my fingers apart instead. \nSo I curl up in a ball, and cry in the corner. \nHart looks sorrowful. It's taking all the hits like a real beast, but in the end, just like a padded cell, it's what protects me. I guess.\n\nLittle do I know\nThat somewhere distant, far away from this city, What I'm punching is not some metal shell. The perosn protecting me is taking the hits like a real beast. I cry and curl up in a ball, yet instead of being in a corner, I'm on my bed, and a person with a heart far bigger than mine is holding me. \nHart didn't tell me. \nMy heart was stuck to it, but because that's what was taking shelter. I am a monster, the idea of taking the risk was too awful that the machine had to be built. \nI always imagined Hart beating the hell out of people I hate. Yet he never did. who does he have to beat in this melancholic city anyway. \nHe was far too good for that. But in that place far away, I tear into the person that loves me. \nWhat's next? strangulation? straight up abuse?\nNonsense, the machine protects her far better than I do. And I don't realize the damage I'm doing. Because the city is on lockdown and won't let me see, that risk is bigger than ever, and it's tearing me from the outside. While I tear myself from the inside. \nSo I might as well end it all, because it's painful for everyone looking at me, to see someone they love being destroyed from all fronts. The light in his eyes, dead.\nLike a lot of people say, a husk. A husk too dead to even notice any of this at all. Yet inside, Hart, through it's many UI things, shows the images to me. I wonder why, since all it does is destroy me more. \nSo I beging raging again, and scratching the skin off of my shoulders. I bite myself, I hit myself. and I scream. Then open my eyes and realize I'm not inside. \nI'm on my bed, and she still holds me. So I cry and pass out. \nI arrive at the city after all of this, to find Hart, and the girl standing next to it. We are all on the roof of the one building I call my home. I can sense their feelings, as they can mine. So no one says a word. I shamefully climb on the side of the machine, and get inside.\nI sit on the chair, and ask it to please turn the screens of. so he does. A silent little box for myself. I like the feeling of what I assume to be A/C. I really love it, because its really gentle, and I love it because it reminds me of the malfunctioning one from that place I love. Reminds me on my childhood. Something a cherish, and love too much. The same peace I felt there and then, I feel inside of Hart. So for now, I'm at peace, yet, I'm ashamed of everything that happened.\nWhat hurts more than this bleeding holes I tore on my back and my arms, is knowing that I will do it again.\nNot to myself, I really don't care about that, sincerely, but to her.\nHow long till she breaks?\nWhy can't I stop myself if I am aware of all of this?\nRisk. That fucking bastard. Unlike everyone else here, he is not a manifestation of anything from the inside. He is a plague that arrived and doesn't want to just fucking leave.\nMy daughter killed herself because of him, I wonder if he laughs thinking of that. Even though it scarred me, because I knew what it meant.\nGet this, it even took away my ability to kill myself, which I did many times before. Now I can't find peace even like that. \nFor now, Hart will do.\nSo I thank him. \nI haven't told you yet about the outside, not completely anyway. But seems like something is going on there, because as I step out of hart and look at the little girl smiling back at me, we all turn to see the waveless ocean, just to see the sun rising slowly in lovely orange. A slight breeze hits us, her hair waves gently, and I know Hart can't feel it but knows it's there regardless. \nThis is so bittersweet.\nFor the first time in years, the lights of the city fade, as the light is born. So I may not have to rage this time. \n","description_bbcode_parsed":"A steel beast, that protects me from whatever comes from the outside. Yet how useless must this machine feel, how powerless, if it cannot pull me out of itself, where I, regardless of it's efforts, keep trying to end me.
Ey, am I worrying about how a machine feels? I guess in a world as messed up as this, even these things get depressed. Boohoo.
His name is Hart. He decided to show up out of nowhere, kind of stalking me. Turns out it is what it is. An armored shell capable of mass destruction, yet , It just wanders around the city with me.
He appeared after my heart went missing. It left it's message really clear. it's not that "I have it by my side", but rather, I have to build it for myself. Anyway, I can sense my heart is around, she just doesn't interpret herself, much like Indigo.
I found it funny, how I longed to be alone in this empty city, streets covered by the shadows of absurdly tall buildings. I loved walking down the pier, seeing the ocean without waves. Feeling happy with my creation, even though it's pretty much plagiarism.
And now, I miss the person that showed up and tried to kick me out of it. We surely are something else. But i'm calm, Hart is here. An awful thing straight out of some anime, and incredibly enough, it ISN'T copied! (yeah right), he doesn't even have a face yet, after all this time.
So, I begin talking to him. It makes sense, My heart is not here but Hart is. None entity can exist while the other does. Or so I thought, Until I realized my heart was disgustingly encrusted on it's back.
And my eyes shattered. My heart and the machine were one. I was one with them. quite literally, nothing that exist here can NOT be me.
Yet they come up with all this interesting conversations, that I had no previous knowledge of. I guess a neural network is infinitely odd.
And still...
And still.
And still, I take shelter inside the machine, taking shelter from myself, and itself by extension. The lights flicker red, alarms sound, the city goes on lockdown and the neons turn red. Now there's lightning in the city. Did I mention it's always night here? night, a dark cloudy sky too, a perfect place to step on a balcony and think of jumping from it because it doesn't exist. Now, since the ground doesn't either, jumping won't do shit. So I do it anyways. Hart shows up, and catches me in the air with a loud metal sound. It's caging me in, and I'm pissed off. I start punching and kicking the walls, the controllers, the seat. I scream for it to let me out, I break the screens, and try to tear the metal sections apart, tearing my fingers apart instead.
So I curl up in a ball, and cry in the corner.
Hart looks sorrowful. It's taking all the hits like a real beast, but in the end, just like a padded cell, it's what protects me. I guess.
Little do I know
That somewhere distant, far away from this city, What I'm punching is not some metal shell. The perosn protecting me is taking the hits like a real beast. I cry and curl up in a ball, yet instead of being in a corner, I'm on my bed, and a person with a heart far bigger than mine is holding me.
Hart didn't tell me.
My heart was stuck to it, but because that's what was taking shelter. I am a monster, the idea of taking the risk was too awful that the machine had to be built.
I always imagined Hart beating the hell out of people I hate. Yet he never did. who does he have to beat in this melancholic city anyway.
He was far too good for that. But in that place far away, I tear into the person that loves me.
What's next? strangulation? straight up abuse?
Nonsense, the machine protects her far better than I do. And I don't realize the damage I'm doing. Because the city is on lockdown and won't let me see, that risk is bigger than ever, and it's tearing me from the outside. While I tear myself from the inside.
So I might as well end it all, because it's painful for everyone looking at me, to see someone they love being destroyed from all fronts. The light in his eyes, dead.
Like a lot of people say, a husk. A husk too dead to even notice any of this at all. Yet inside, Hart, through it's many UI things, shows the images to me. I wonder why, since all it does is destroy me more.
So I beging raging again, and scratching the skin off of my shoulders. I bite myself, I hit myself. and I scream. Then open my eyes and realize I'm not inside.
I'm on my bed, and she still holds me. So I cry and pass out.
I arrive at the city after all of this, to find Hart, and the girl standing next to it. We are all on the roof of the one building I call my home. I can sense their feelings, as they can mine. So no one says a word. I shamefully climb on the side of the machine, and get inside.
I sit on the chair, and ask it to please turn the screens of. so he does. A silent little box for myself. I like the feeling of what I assume to be A/C. I really love it, because its really gentle, and I love it because it reminds me of the malfunctioning one from that place I love. Reminds me on my childhood. Something a cherish, and love too much. The same peace I felt there and then, I feel inside of Hart. So for now, I'm at peace, yet, I'm ashamed of everything that happened.
What hurts more than this bleeding holes I tore on my back and my arms, is knowing that I will do it again.
Not to myself, I really don't care about that, sincerely, but to her.
How long till she breaks?
Why can't I stop myself if I am aware of all of this?
Risk. That fucking bastard. Unlike everyone else here, he is not a manifestation of anything from the inside. He is a plague that arrived and doesn't want to just fucking leave.
My daughter killed herself because of him, I wonder if he laughs thinking of that. Even though it scarred me, because I knew what it meant.
Get this, it even took away my ability to kill myself, which I did many times before. Now I can't find peace even like that.
For now, Hart will do.
So I thank him.
I haven't told you yet about the outside, not completely anyway. But seems like something is going on there, because as I step out of hart and look at the little girl smiling back at me, we all turn to see the waveless ocean, just to see the sun rising slowly in lovely orange. A slight breeze hits us, her hair waves gently, and I know Hart can't feel it but knows it's there regardless.
This is so bittersweet.
For the first time in years, the lights of the city fade, as the light is born. So I may not have to rage this time.
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