Chapter 21-
\tRaphael was relieved when the movie had finally ended. Casey and Mikey were fast asleep in their chosen places. Don was in his room, most likely reading when he lost interest in a particular movie that got on his nerves when the facts were apparently, “Way off.” Eventually he gave up and decided to retreat to his bedroom for the night. But knowing his brother well, he wouldn’t have gone to sleep that easily. The turtle seemed to like to stay up ridiculous hours and sometimes has to be dragged to bed. And even then, when he knows everyone else had fallen unconscious in their rooms, he’d turn on his lamp a read a little more.
\tSplinter had come down at one point and watched at least one movie before excusing himself for the night. He hadn’t looked as interested in the plots as Mikey and Casey had, but he had admired some of the fights scenes. Which had impressed Raphael greatly. He thought he would have been like Don and point out every flaw.
\tThe only person left in the living room that was awake was Raphael. He shifted his feet and tried to pull them out from under Casey’s weight. He had battled the boy for rights on the couch but instead, Casey had decided to give up and sat right on Raph’s legs. Cutting off the blood circulation in the process, but nonetheless he hadn’t said or done anything. So sure that he would have moved once he realized how uncomfortable Raph’s legs were for chairs and he’d finally get the hint that Raph wasn’t going to move.
\tNope. Instead, the boy ended up falling asleep on them right in the middle of the movie.
\tRaph grumbled, wanting so bad to yank his feet out and kick Casey upside the head and watch him collapse on the ground. Snapping awake from his dream land, sputtering and cursing at him.
\tAs amusing as the thought was, Raph decided it would be better if he allowed him to continue to sleep. Considering he really didn’t want to deal with anyone at this point. So far, the only thing he wanted to do was escape into his room, collapse on his hammock and steal a few hours that was left for the night.
\tHe growled once he finally got his legs out from under the heavy human, but as the blood came rushing back into the limbs. He felt sharp pins and needles in his feet and up his legs. Only making it worse when he laid them on the ground. He wanted to pound his feet into the ground. Hoping to wake them up, but he would have done more than just wake his feet up.
\tSighing, he pushed himself off the couch and hobbled out of the living room, snatching the rest of his beer and grabbing a hand full of popcorn from Mikey’s bowl before heading down the hallway to his room.
\tHis feet suddenly halted and he turned to find he was right in front of Leo’s room. He stared at the door, his mind wandering to that mint green terrapin.
\tWhere did he and April go?
\tHe had wondered, and apparently the whole family did, but April decided that she’d prefer to snatch Leo away without a hint to anyone else of why or where. Not that he was entirely interested. It would most likely have to do with some weird girly thing. As much as he didn’t mind Leo as a girl or a boy. The fact that Leo’s “hormonal imbalance” had been changing dramatically, according to Don. Meaning for a fact, that Leo will most likely be acting more like a girl than his usual charming male self.
\tWhy should you care so much? It’s not like you have feelings for the guy. If anything, he’s getting his just rewards.
\tRaph so badly wanted to go with that side of his mind. Encouraging him not to care so much. Trying to push Leo away and get control of his feelings.
\tI like Leo. He is great the way he is. He doesn’t have to be male or female. He is fearless leader.
\tGroaning, he tucked the bottle under his arm and scrubbed his hands across his face. Okay, so he can admit that his feelings for Leo aren’t entirely friendly. Nor is it brotherly. But he couldn’t quite say they were more than that. Obviously, he still had a lot more to learn about Leo other than the brother and leader if he wanted to go that next step.
\tNo. You don’t want to go that next step.
Did he?
He stared at the door, than at the knob, his hand reaching out and twisting open the door. Revealing the neat little set up of his eldest brothers bedroom. The place still seemed the same. The Space Hero comics stacked in a neat pile in the corner of the room. Books lining nicely on the books shelves. Weapons fully cleaned and sharp leaning or pined up on the walls, showing themselves off with pride. Then there was the Captain Ryan posters still cluttering the stone walls. Raph made a “tsk” sound with his tongue and walked farther into the room.
Eyeing each poster with a scowl when he spotted little hearts around the guy’s head.
He sighed irritably and shook his head in disgust. Recalling the time where Don said that Leo’s hormones was going to change. And that he might start having certain eyes for men. And that fact didn’t bother Raph in the slightest surprisingly.
But now . . . well now . . . Damn it. That stupid actor was stealing all of Leo’s attention away from him. Wait--- Him? Surely not. He wouldn’t care less who Leo was crushing over. It was just---
Captain Ryan didn’t seem worthy enough for Leo’s attention.
Yeah, and you are?
Shaking his head sharply and trying to block out the thoughts. He pulled his sights away from the posters and over to the spick-and-span bed. Covered entirely of a blue comforter and decked with white and light blue pillows.
He sat down, the bed squeaking quietly from his weight. He ran his hands over the fabric and smiled. Leo always managed to keep his room cleaned and smelling good. Despite the fact their home was located in the sewers. The room itself held an aroma of incents from several candles he used over the years and was practically sewn into everything that was in here. Every book and weapon, every scratch of stone or candle wax left behind belonged here. Leo left it there and now a stain was like it was part of his home.
Every nick and cranny held some sign of Leo and that caused Raph to smile. Knowing that there hasn’t been one place in this room that hasn’t been touched by Leo’s hands. Meaning he was touching where Leo’s hands were.
The thought actually put chills through him and he could only guess they were the good kind. A feeling he missed and thoroughly enjoyed.
Taking a pillow he ran his fingers along the fabric, holding it close to his chest and stuffing his face in it. He inhaled a deep scent of that herbal tea Leo always liked to drink in any time of the day. The fragrance of lemon and honey that seemed to cling to Leo.
He rolled onto his shell, taking the pillow with him, he laid on the bed and stared at the ceiling. He hadn’t remembered being in this room since---
Raph frowned. The last time he was in this room was when he was trying to track down Lyric and ended up finding Lyric was Leo. How he exploded right at Leo. Losing control of his temper when he shouldn’t have. He shouldn’t have allowed himself to go that far out of hand. He should have allowed Leo to explain things on his own. Should have let the poor guy talk instead of tearing every piece of him apart and then leaving him there. Broken.
Once again, guilt piled high in his gut. He knew Leo had forgiven him, as he had of Leo. They hugged it out as real brothers should. Well, maybe more for Leo than for Raph, but that wasn’t the point. They’ve forgiven each other and yet, the past still bugged him. Leo deserved more than just a simple sorry. He deserved better than Raph and yet a sudden surge of determination to make it up to Leo travelled through him. Obviously he couldn’t do anything now. Leo wasn’t here to beg for forgiveness.
Do anything but beg.
Raph scowled at the thought. Okay, so he was determined. But not that determined.
He threw the pillow to the side and it rolled off the edge of the bed and onto the ground with a loud “thunk.” Raph blinked. A pillow going thunk? Looking over the edge of the bed, he found a small journal book sticking out of the fabric. Huh, weird. He never noticed it was there when he was hugging the thing. Course the book being pressed against his hard plastron might have been the cause of his absent responsiveness.
Bending down, he picked up the book and gaped at it curiously. It looked to be Composition notebook and on the underline was, “Leonardo Hamato.” Written with a navy blue sharpie. Blinked and licking his lips, he glanced up at the door half way open and listening in silence to see if anyone was heading this way. The only sound that echoed farther enough to reach Leo’s room was the annoying Casey sawing woods.
He glanced back at the notebook and flipped to the first page and reading the first line he already realized what is was.
“Journal Entry-”
His eyes were huge and glued onto the page. He should stop. He really should stop right there. Leo would skin him alive if he ever found out he was snooping in his private stuff. And personally, he really didn’t want to snoop in his brother’s junk. Everyone deserves their privacy and he respected that.
Yeah, you certainly didn’t respect it when you went snooping in Leo’s room. Nothing ever good comes from that, genius.
Raph chewed on his lip as that night reappeared in his mind as well as the guilt tightening in his inners. He dismissed the thought and decided there was no harm in reading a sentence. What other secrets could Leo possibly be hiding?
“Master Splinter gave me this notebook and told me that I should write my thoughts and feelings on it. That it’s important to keep a log of my life to look back on. To review my mistakes and encourage myself. So far, I have no clue what to write in this things.”
Okay, so maybe that was more than one sentence, but it was a tiny entry. That shouldn’t count. Raph hummed to himself as he flipped through the pages. Stopping every so often to admire a little doodle on each of them. He couldn’t lie, Leo did suck with a pencil other than writing, but the pictures were nice despite that. At other times, Leo had gotten lazy and took pictures instead. Most of the entries were small, short and sweet, and Raph couldn’t stop reading them. Each one left a smile on his face when memory’s back then were brought to mind.
“Dear Diary-”
Raph stared. Diary? What happened to Journal Entry?
Continuing on. His curiosity spiking back up again.
“I hate my brothers. So very, very much. I haven’t had the time to write in this thing so I’m going to give a preview of the last five days. My brothers, Don and Mikey, talked me into a doing truth or dare. I always picked truth, knowing Mikey. But of course, Mikey talked me into doing a dare and I agreed to dress up like a girl for him.”
“So far, there wasn’t really that much harm to it. Don used his brain to develop a machine to give me a figure. Supposedly it softens my shell in enough time to give it a figure then hardens and it’s only temporary for up to two hours before it returns back to straight.”
“Anyway, they also developed these molded breasts where they could stick on my chest and they used this special glue and polisher to make it look like they’re really mine. I hate it! So uncomfortable! I was not meant to be a girl!”
“So Don and Mikey brought me to April’s where she dressed me up in some of her old clothes. Turtles weren’t meant to where clothes either! So after that, Don and Mikey brought me out and next thing you know, Raph decides to show up and the two doofuses decides they want to play a prank where I pretend that I’m a girl. And as stupid as I am, agreed. I can’t believe Raph didn’t recognize me! How could he not!? He was raised with me!”
“So this is day five. I can’t wait till Don and Mikey calls this off. I want to tell Raph the truth but I just don’t know how! I’m afraid of what he might say, what he might do. Though Don and Mikey should really get more of the punishment. I should count as the victim. So I’m going now. I’m already dressed up again and having to go out.”
Raph frowned and sighed. Leo was right on that part. Don and Mikey were the true causes of their situation. He should have been even madder at them. Instead he focused his anger on Leo.
More guilt.
Grumbling, he flipped a few more pages. Landing on another one that caught his attention.
“Journal Entry-”
“I got kissed! By Raph! The most strangest and bizarre cases I’ve ever experienced, but it was so wonderfully pleasant. I never thought I would experience a kiss in my life time, but Raph was the guy who decided to steal my first. And I’m not going to lie, he’s a damn good kisser. If only he knew who I was. Would he still like it if he did?”
Raph paused. He hadn’t really thought much about their kiss. After everything that had occurred, that was the last thing on his mind. But now that he was thinking about it. Would he still like a kiss even though he knows the truth?
Silence spread through the air as Raph dropped the journal on his lap and stare off into space. His mind working through all those possibilities. That was his first kiss as well. And he certainly wouldn’t want it to be his last. He wasn’t about to deny that it was a pretty great kiss.
Pursing his lips, Raph pulled his attention back to the notebook and flipped to a few more pages and settling on one in particular.
“Dear Diary-”
“I need to tell him. And I need to tell him soon. It’s been over a month already and even though I’ve tried tons of times to confess to Raph who I am. He either brings the subject around where I feel more nervous than ever to speak. Or he distracts me in ways that my mind is immediately brought off the subject. I want to. Really, really bad. I just fear his reaction.”
Raph flipped the pages again and halted on one entry and looked at the date. Then looked at the next entry that was approximately three weeks apart and he knew exactly what happened in between those times. The next one was completely decked out in bold dark writing.
“Journal Entry-”
“I cannot FUCKING believe this! I’m turned into a GIRL! A FUCKING GIRL! Of all the things Shredder could have turned me into was THIS!? Turn me into a cheetah! A snail! A bug! Anything! Why the opposite sex!? What could he possibly need with me after gaining boobs and parts I do not care to name?”
“It’s not that I have a problem with women. I just have a problem with being a woman. Especially after everything that happened. Raph rejected me. It was harsh. Heartbreaking actually. It hurt so bad to find out that he thought I was gross for loving him. It’s not that I wanted to love him. I couldn’t help what had happened. It surprised me as well. And to make the matter worse, he had to find out! He snuck into my room! The damn bastard and starting looking through my things!? NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM THERE RAPHAEL! He didn’t even give me a chance to explain things! He just yelled at me! And as immune as I am to his explosions. Nothing could have prepared me for that.”
Raph sighed and set the book to the side. Not interested in the least about the things that were to come next. A lot he could guess was just about Leo’s feelings for him, and Raph’s feelings for him. Probably tons of hate. Tons of confusion. It wasn’t too hard. He was going through that same thing. Leo had shouted to him he loved him. But that could have been on instincts. The first thing that came to mind. Love didn’t seem like the right word for them. Even after they had formed peace, whatever “love” he could have for him has probably disintegrated. And he wouldn’t have blamed him if it did.
Raph didn’t deserve love. Not the type he’s thinking about anyway. Hell, he didn’t even deserve brotherly love from Leo after the way he hurt him. Especially since most of it wasn’t his fault. He wouldn’t blame the turtle if he hated him!
He was half tempted to sneak another peek and see what Leo truly says about them. Maybe sometime after they apologized to each other. He could only hope they were good things.
Yawning, Raph thought better and just closed the notebook and stuffed it back in the pillow and laid the pillow in its rightful place. Rubbing his face in the fabric, he inhaled deeply and savored the scent that was Leo. Releasing a few purrs along with it and he curled up on the bed. Too exhausted to even consider getting up and out of this room, just to take the time and energy to readjust himself in his hammock. He’d prefer to settle down in this room. At least just for this one night.
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