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I mean, I realize I’m no spring chicken anymore, and I wasn’t hoping for miracles, but the only normal looking thing about me was my comb and wattles. I have a big snake tail in place of anything resembling tail feathers, aside from that weird little puff at the end that sprouts up around the rattle at the end. My beak’s got these crooked, jagged points on it, like teeth or fangs. So I took a great deal of pride in my comb. When it started getting a bit faded, pale, and too wrinkled, I looked into treatments.\n\nI thought a bird doctor would be a bit more dependable and understanding about this. That’s just making excuses, though--he didn’t force me to try out those drugs. I have to say my vanity brought all of this on me. I did it to myself.\n\nAll this went through my mind as I sat in Dr. Astue’s office, switching between adjusting my protective glasses and drumming my talons on my huge, puffy gut. The extra chunkiness was what I was there to talk about: it came on right about the same time I started taking the comb-reddening remedy.\n\nThe doctor read the drug bottle’s label, then a few papers, then reread the bottle, then reread the papers. Finally he gave the bottle a long glance, peering at it so closely that I thought he was going to try to balance it across his beak. \"Yes, this would explain the side effects,\" the eagle finally said. \"There are warnings about not using it with gynopotent members of ophidian phenotypes. It says in the fine print here: 'May interact strongly--larger than normal clutch size, no other adverse effects'. So yes, knowing this now, your current condition would not be considered unusual. It's unfortunate that your composite nature was overlooked during the initial treatment phase. Perhaps some care should have been made to bring this to our attention.\"\n\nMy tail rattled with irritation. \"Are you telling me you never noticed I'm only a chicken mostly from the waist up?\" I tried to gesture towards my waist, but my current girth made that impossible. My belly was so full of eggs, I hadn't been able to fold my hands across it in several days, and had to give up standing upright as being too hard on my back and legs. Honestly, I could barely crawl forward because of my gut hanging down against the ground.\n\nDr. A sat behind his desk and from his attitude, I gathered there was only a minute or two left of his commitment to this appointment: I didn’t have long to make my case. \"But that medication was for stiffening up my comb and improving the color! What kind of crazy side effect is this?\n\n\"As I explained: those with snake ancestry or comparatively similar anatomy who show non-standard reproductive traits...as you do….should avoid this medication for precisely the reasons which you're currently experiencing.\" He folded his wings at his sides and nodded to me. \"This is going to be one heck of a clutch. You haven't had any episodes of being egg bound, have you? Everything's worked normally the last time you've laid eggs? Er..as normally as it can, in your case?\"\n\n\"I've never been egg bound,\" I said. \"I've laid plenty of eggs. Well..usually there was just one a time before. Being egg bound? How will I know if that's happening? Normally they say if it takes more than normal to finish the clutch, that's a problem, but this? If they're the regular eggs, just more of them...I've still got four or five days to go! How big am I gonna get?\"\n\n\"Big enough that we might be able to interest you in a steerable wheelbarrow,\" the doctor said.", "description_bbcode_parsed": "Artwork by Aubrin!

Who doesn’t want to look sexy?  I mean, I realize I’m no spring chicken anymore, and I wasn’t hoping for miracles, but the only normal looking thing about me was my comb and wattles.  I have a big snake tail in place of anything resembling tail feathers, aside from that weird little puff at the end that sprouts up around the rattle at the end.  My beak’s got these crooked, jagged points on it, like teeth or fangs.  So I took a great deal of pride in my comb.  When it started getting a bit faded, pale, and too wrinkled, I looked into treatments.

I thought a bird doctor would be a bit more dependable and understanding about this.  That’s just making excuses, though--he didn’t force me to try out those drugs.  I have to say my vanity brought all of this on me.  I did it to myself.

All this went through my mind as I sat in Dr. Astue’s office, switching between adjusting my protective glasses and drumming my talons on my huge, puffy gut.  The extra chunkiness was what I was there to talk about:  it came on right about the same time I started taking the comb-reddening remedy.

The doctor read the drug bottle’s label, then a few papers, then reread the bottle, then reread the papers. Finally he gave the bottle a long glance, peering at it so closely that I thought he was going to try to balance it across his beak.  "Yes, this would explain the side effects," the eagle finally said.  "There are warnings about not using it with gynopotent members of ophidian phenotypes.  It says in the fine print here:  'May interact strongly--larger than normal clutch size, no other adverse effects'.  So yes, knowing this now, your current condition would not be considered unusual.  It's unfortunate that your composite nature was overlooked during the initial treatment phase.  Perhaps some care should have been made to bring this to our attention."

My tail rattled with irritation.  "Are you telling me you never noticed I'm only a chicken mostly from the waist up?"  I tried to gesture towards my waist, but my current girth made that impossible.  My belly was so full of eggs, I hadn't been able to fold my hands across it in several days, and had to give up standing upright as being too hard on my back and legs.  Honestly, I could barely crawl forward because of my gut hanging down against the ground.

Dr. A sat behind his desk and from his attitude, I gathered there was only a minute or two left of his commitment to this appointment: I didn’t have long to make my case.  "But that medication was for stiffening up my comb and improving the color!  What kind of crazy side effect is this?

"As I explained:  those with snake ancestry or comparatively similar anatomy who show non-standard reproductive traits...as you do….should avoid this medication for precisely the reasons which you're currently experiencing."  He folded his wings at his sides and nodded to me.  "This is going to be one heck of a clutch.  You haven't had any episodes of being egg bound, have you?  Everything's worked normally the last time you've laid eggs?  Er..as normally as it can, in your case?"

"I've never been egg bound," I said.  "I've laid plenty of eggs.  Well..usually there was just one a time before.  Being egg bound?  How will I know if that's happening?  Normally they say if it takes more than normal to finish the clutch, that's a problem, but this?  If they're the regular eggs, just more of them...I've still got four or five days to go!  How big am I gonna get?"

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