There is a humming sound in this room. It has been here since I got here which was I think seven years ago. By 'here' I mean this room. I have been at this facility since I was born six years before that. Is 'born' the right word? I was taken from the incubation chamber and treated as a newborn. I was given milk and then food. I was raised as a normal mouse child. I am not sure. I will have to ask the doctors. I have been given a day to myself. There are no tests today. The doctors say they like to keep me busy. I do not mind that. They say I am smart. I do not mind that either. In a way I like being tested more than I do being idle. There is nothing to worry about but the instructions you are given. You expect unambiguous and physically possible instructions and they expect you to follow them. The others are all being tested right now. I am alone. So there is nothing to expect. I like being alone but I do not at the same time. I like it because I do not have to worry about saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing or being the wrong thing. I do not like it because there is very little to do except read. Sometimes it can be grey. I feel grey right now. My view of the world is a smooth white plane with one point of light. As if the sun was submerged in a pool of milk. It would have to be a very large pool of milk and also the sun would have to be made of something else because it would make the milk boil and then burn very quickly. But that is what came to mind. In reality I am looking at the ceiling with a light in the middle. I tried looking at the light once. It was a little painful so I looked away. I should not do anything to hurt myself they said. It does not hurt to look at the ceiling while the light is in view so I do that instead. Then I look around the room and watch that one spot change colours. I do not know why that happens. I glance to my tablet on the nightstand beside me. I could look it up. No. I am too grey. Maybe later. I close my eyes and the spot persists. I move my eyes back and forth as if I could catch the spot and bring it into direct view so I could study it. I do not even know what colour it is. It looks like indigo and magenta and a colour that I am not sure has a name. Eventually I give up because the spot has gone away. Maybe I could stare at the ceiling again and get it back? No. It is not that important. The doctors told me that I have MDD. Major depressive disorder. I wonder if there are others who have minor depressive disorder? They say that I have MDD because of the gene they turned off. I cannot make as much serotonin and that makes me feel grey. They do not actually say that it makes me feel grey. But that is what comes to mind when I feel what they tell me MDD makes me feel. I do not like feeling grey. I like colours. I miss them when I am grey. Though lately I have been feeling something else. I do not know what it is. They told me that I would be experiencing a hormonal change called puberty and that my body will start to develop in response. It has already changed a little already. I feel like I have grown a little taller and my breasts have started to bud. I look down at my body -- or at least the shape of it -- through the clothes I was given. I made the mistake once of thinking these were my clothes because I wore them. The doctors give me and the others clothing and exchange it for other pieces of clothing as needed. I do not mind. The clothes are all comfortable. The shirt I am wearing is a T-shirt. It is V-necked and is a dull yellow. In reality it is a bright yellow like a lemon but it has faded a little through wear and I am grey so it is a dull yellow right now. I am also wearing a pair of sweatpants. They are dark blue. Underneath is the only clothing that has not changed design or colour yet. It is a pair of white cotton briefs. Right now my socks match them. I raise my right hand and hover it over my belly and extend two fingers to make it look like it is a round creature with legs. Like an octopus. I begin walking towards my left side across the light grey fur of my belly until it reaches the other side. My fur is uniformly grey. Some of the others have blotches of brown or black. I have heard rumours that in the cosmetic testing department they sometimes accidentally dye the fur of the subjects and their fur stays that colour. I have never seen one of those subjects. I am a subject of the pharmaceutical department. Fur is not an important part of the testing unless it begins falling out. I turn the hand creature to its left and begin walking up my left side. I do this sometimes. I pretend that I am the little creature and I can run or fly or jump across my body. I have read about wide-open spaces. They fascinate me. I would like to be in one someday. I walk the hnd creature in a square along my torso with the intent of twirling around and maybe doing a little dance to get my hand into the right position to continue after— Oh. What was that? That felt good. I look down and pay attention to what I just did. My finger on its way up my chest brushed past my breast and it felt good. A little flush of heat begins to build in my body and I am not sure what is happening. Is this puberty? Does it happen all at once? Should I get the doctors? I get up and walk to the small mirror across from my bed in the dormitory and study my reflection. My eyes are big and I am breathing a little heavier. I stare into my own eyes for a moment. They are steel blue. Aside from the very light pink of my tail and the insides of my ears they are the most colourful part of my body. I am not sure what to do. I feel nervous. Maybe I should get someone. As I head to the intercom next to the door I begin to feel it stronger and something in the back of my mind makes me pause. It felt good. It... still feels good. Good but... incomplete? I am not sure. They told me I could not hurt myself. They never said I should not feel good. They never said I should either. They could have a... but I do not care. I do not. I am grey and I feel good and it is colourful. It is more colourful than anything I can see including the T-shirt I have on and something that colourful has to be good. Right? I mean besides the Azureus tree frog but I do not think my mind has thoughts that act like poisonous frogs. I go back to my bed and lie down. My hand starts at my belly and I walk up my left side again and watch what I am doing this time. I pay attention to what exactly I feel. Just below the bottom of my breasts it starts to feel different. The feeling of the cloth pressed against my skin by my finger feels like it radiates across the entire breast like a sound echoing. I know that my breasts are solid and nothing can bounce around like that. But that is what came to mind. I begin walking my fingers up my breast and it starts to feel good again. When I reach my nipple I drag the 'foot' of my finger across it and nearly squeak in pleasure. I am not sure what is happening but I do not really care how right now. It is colourful. It is wonderful. The feeling building in me isn not grey and that is all that matters right now. My finger brushes back and forth lightly over my nipple which has begun to stick out from my breast. Like it wants to make itself more prominent so it is easier for me to feel good. I don not think my nipple has an agenda but that is what came to mind. If it does I appreciate its generosity. I can feel myself squirming a little. I am uncomfortable but I still feel very good. The feeling of incompleteness is stronger and centred just under where my navel would be. It is somewhere deep inside me. It is... emptiness. Longing. Something. I do not know. I do not care. My breast feels too good to stop right now. I can analyze that feeling later. I look down and realize I am in full view of the door. This makes me blush furiously. Maybe I should... I glance back down at myself and the bed and then scurry under the sheet. There. Now I am no longer in full view of the door. My hand returns to my breast and softly brushes over it. I avoid my nipple for a while. It still feels good but it is not the same. It is... more incomplete than touching my nipple is. And my nipple feels... achy. Like it does in my belly. I move back to my nipple. That seems to relieve the ache and exacerbate it at the same time. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. I never knew my body was capable of this. The doctors never told me. Is this some sort of... but I do not care to analyze it. I feel too good. My other hand moves up and my first hand moves over and I try both at -- A noise escapes me and I freeze. My eyes fly open -- when did I shut them? -- and survey the room which is still empty. Nobody heard that. Nobody sees me. Okay. I am okay. A sense of wrongness floods me. I am acting like I am trying to hide something from the doctors. I am not. I am trying to hide this from the others. I think of them walking in on me and I feel like my head will catch on fire because it is so hot from the blushing. It will not actually catch fire. I am not sure the human body is capable of reaching temperatures necessary to self-ignite. But that is what came to mind. But I still do not care. I am willing to accept the risk. I do not want to stop. And I do not and I feel good and the feeling between my -- I pause. The feeling in my belly moved. No. That is not correct. It is a different feeling. Like the achy feeling in my when I ignored them except in my vulva. I think back to my sexual education classes and picture the anatomy of the vulva and try to map it onto my own body. During that class the doctors explained that during intercourse the woman's body secretes fluids from the Bartholin's glands to help lubricate the man's penis and this was part of the sexual arousal cycle that eventually leads to orgasm. ...Oh! Is that what this is? The doctors told me that it is possible but not likely for women to experience orgasms during intercourse. They never said it could happen any other way. Slowly my hand reaches down between my legs. Oh. That feels good. My eyes open and stare at the ceiling for a moment while I process just how good that felt. That might have felt better than anything I have ever felt. My hand starts moving again. I... oh. Oh yes. This is... I like this. Is this what an orgasm feels like? I wonder what it would feel like to do this while rubbing my nipple. It... oh. It feels good but the fabric is scratchy now. When did it get scratchy? Um. Oh. I can just... my hand darts under my shirt and eeee— The hand between my legs flies to my mouth to clap over it. That squeak was loud. I stare at the door. I am sure someone is about to walk in and catch me. Nobody comes. Nobody catches me. I slowly relax and move my hand again. I need to figure out... Oh. I can... my pillow... yes. I turn onto my side and I can press my face into the pillow and squeak all I want if I need to. Yes. Good. My hand moves up from being limply held against my ribcage and yes good and my other hand moves and my face turns and I let out a moan. Oh. It feels so good and yet I want more. I need more. That incomplete feeling in my belly is getting bigger and I need to fill it with pleasure. I... if it feels that much better to touch my nipples directly then how much better... I slip my hand underneath the elastic of the sweatpants and then under the elastic of the briefs. Ohh—! Even that feels good. It is almost better on its own than touching myself through my pants. I get closer and closer and closer... another squeak is wrenched from me into my pillow and I slip past my mons veneris to the top of my vulva. Oh. Oh yes. This is definitely part of the sexual response cycle. I feel all sticky and slippery and my face feels so hot and I remember reading that the clitoris is designed for pleasure so I try to find it and eeeee—! Oh! Oh I found it and it feels so good oh and that feeling inside me is so big now I cannot stop I need more and I am getting more and I feel like I am floating I cannot feel the bed or the light or my clothing all I feel is good good good yes yes oh something something building oh big oh oh yes yes yes— LoudrattlesnakesnakepanicgoingtoeatmefeelssogoodbutsnakebutdonotcareifiteatsmeIfeelsogoodsqueakingmoaningsquirmingtwitching... I gasp silently as I move my head and take a breath of unencumbered air. My head is fully underneath the covers. I must have hid when I heard that rattling noise. I barely breathe. I am trying to be as silent as possible. I still feel so good... the feeling just keeps echoing like it is sound but it is not sound and it is so good. I feel almost like I would not have minded if I was eaten in that moment. I... do not know if that is what I mean. But that is what came to mind. That... That must have been an orgasm. I slowly peek up above the covers and see exactly what I saw when I was above them: The dormitory room is empty; the mirror is in front of my bed like it is in front of the others; the door and the intercom is next to that; the light and the ceiling is above me. Did I imagine that sound? Where did it come from? I yawn. I do not care right now. I do not feel grey and I am worried that if I get up I will be grey again so I am not going to get up just yet. --- A small tinted square of glass reveals a mouse under the covers. She moves furtively, but with a purpose, and it's obvious that under the thin blanket she's masturbating. A man sits in a chair and watches, headphones in to listen through the hidden microphones in the dormitory, for the signs of impending orgasm. When he hears it, his finger hovers over a button. As soon as the mouse appears to have an orgasm, the man presses the button, and winces, as the microphones pick up the extremely loud rattlesnake sample that blasted through the hidden speakers. The mouse squealed in a combination of panic and pleasure and dove under the covers, convulsing in orgasm even as the noise terrified her. The man turns to the desk. There is a number of sheets of paper on the desk, and a computer. The man glances at one of the sheets, a consent form for a humanoid clinical trial. A small wry smile crosses his forehead. The doctrine of corporate personhood had several unseen corollaries that seemed not to occur to the Supreme Court when decisions like Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission were handed down. Most pertinent is that as people with rights, corporations can retain legal custody of children as if they were flesh-and-blood persons. Obviously Pfizer had no claim to existing children, and orphanages and adoption agencies were unwilling to deal with the pharmaceutical giant, but if children were born in vitro, the legal argument went, the corporation was the parent of the child (or there were no parents, and the corporation could step in and become the legal guardian). There was a court case before the United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit, but the United States government was only spending a million and a half on the case, whereas Pfizer alone had spent forty, not to mention the thirty-six from Merck and twenty-nine from Eli Lilly. Legal custody of the children they grew meant that they could sign off on any parental consent form they wished, for whatever purposes they wished. Fully human subjects were seen as a grey area that Pfizer, at least, didn’t want to touch; the debate on human cloning was too heated to risk it. But humanoid species, ones that shared their traits with labratory animals anyway… there was far less societal pressure to protect them, and so they were used instead. It wasn’t perfect, but it was seen as a sort of bridge between human trials and trials on nonhumanoid, normal-sized lab mice. The man looks back at the computer display, and begins to type. > Pharmaceutical Investigation of the Effects of Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors and Serotonin/Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors on Pavlovian Erotic Responses to Fear > Subject #15264 > Phase I — Initial Triggering > 15264 was interrupted at the moment of first orgasm with a loud (~90 dB) playback of a rattlesnake rattle sample (rattlesnake.wav, attached). Timing was optimal. 15264 experienced orgasm and a panic response simultaneously. The man looked out the one-way mirror again. > 15264 appears confused, but does not appear to want to investigate at present. Contingency Plan Alpha unlikely to be needed at this time, but reserved for future tests if necessary. > Phase II — Repetition > 15264's natural sexual curiosity will not be checked, including if 15264 develops an attraction towards another subject. If 15264 notifies researchers, 15264's sexuality will explicitly be encouraged to be explored, with additional instruction and tutoring from researchers if deemed necessary. Parental controls will be removed from 15264's tablet, and unlimited internet access allowed, and the Viper, Lynx and Raptor hidden apps will be surreptitiously installed (for descriptions of these apps, please see attached notes). 15264's test track will be adjusted to include a predator motif, and to include sexual themes, using both simultaneously whenever possible. > 15264 will be encouraged at every turn to experience as many orgasms as possible, with as many of those orgasms as possible interrupted with predator stimuli. In addition, 15264 will experience orgasms as part of testing, accompanied by direct predator stimuli. > Estimated time for Phase II: ~60 months > Phase III: Observation > 15264 will, at regular intervals, be given sexual stimuli without predatory stimuli and vice-versa. If 15264 consistently responds to predatory stimuli with arousal or sexual stimuli with prey responses, move to Phase IV. If responses are incomplete or weak, testing will return to Phase II for a period of 12 months. > Estimated time for Phase III: ~1 month per iteration, not including extensions of Phase II > Phase IV: Pharmaceutical Trials > 15264 will be given SNRI #1663 (Venlafaxine 75 mg) and stimuli will be repeated simultaneously and separately, noting changes in sexual response, prey response, or both. Venlafaxine treatment will be withdrawn and 15264 will transition to SSRI #1184 (Sertraline 50 mg). Stimuli will be repeated again, noting changes in sexual response, prey response, or both. > Estimated time for Phase IV: ~6 months for trials of SNRI #1663, ~1 month transition, ~6 months for trials of SSRI #1184 > Hypothesis: Due to the established suppression of the fear response in subjects who take SNRI #1663, predict a corresponding drop in sexual arousal when presented with predator stimuli. In addition, well-known sexual side effects may occur; predict correlation between change in sex drive and change in prey response. Finally, given SSRI #1184's lack of action on fear responses, predict corresponding return to baseline established in Phase III when predator stimuli applied; predict sexual side effects equivalent to SNRI #1663 and corresponding drop in prey response when sexual stimuli applied. > Total time: ~74+ months