Uuugh, my back hurts.
I roll over as is my custom in the morning and stare at over sized digital clock next to the bed.
5:30 AM.... As usual, my back wakes me up with “You've had enough time laying down, get your fat
ass out of bed.”
So, I sit up, turn around and put my feet on the floor.
I hear the tags on my dog Ducky as he realizes I'm up and pads out of the adjoining bathroom to greet
me.
He yelps and runs off down stairs.
I wonder what his problem is this morning?
Now it usually takes a few minutes before my eyes start working right, so I hoist myself up off the bed
and shuffle into the bathroom, grabbing a Styrofoam cup and filling it with water to put in the
microwave for my first cup of coffee. After turning the timer to 2-1/2 minutes, I shuffle back into the
bathroom to “make room” for the coffee once it's ready.
I'm fumbling around through the fly of my boxers and thinking, “Aw come on, where did my dick go?”
Through my half awake haze, I realize I've got female bits down there. “Aw for fuck's sake.”
I drop my boxers and sit down, like I think I'm supposed to.
“Well at least I can still pee....”
After sitting there for a minute, I realize “Oh yeah, got'ta wipe now.”
Get up, pull my boxers back on, mix up my usual cup of cheap instant coffee and wander into my
office to check my email and take my vitamins.
I notice a couple of things....I'm not wearing glasses, but I can read the screen on my computer. The
other thing is my hands are covered with fur. “The fuck?”
I shake out the variety of vitamins and add my special elixir of essential flower oils to my coffee. As I
go to take my pills and wash them down, I notice something else different. I missed my mouth and
poured coffee in my lap. “The fuck?” But I digress....I get back up and shuffle into the bathroom again
only this time I'm facing the large mirror over the sink.
There's a large rabbit staring back at me. And she's got tits.
Ok, so I grabbed one in each hand and stood there like an idiot laughing as I bounced them up and
down. Repeatedly. For about 15 minutes.....
Having finally calmed down, I let go of them and slide a hand back into my boxers...”Hrmmm, still
female...”
I wandered back to my office, sat down and took another attempt at drinking my coffee. It took a few
tries, but I finally got the hang of it. And now the rest of my nervous system is beginning to boot up.
I picked up the vitamins on the floor and threw them in the trash, then shook out some more and
managed to get them in my mouth and swallow them with some more coffee.
Then next thing, I'm thinking, in a very Barry White voice, is “Ain't this a bitch....”
The next thing that happens in ICQ chimes as my buddy Mike says good morning. Being as he's exnavy,
I reply with “You ain't gonna believe this, but no shit, I was there...”
“Now what?”
I click on the video call button.
“Nice fur suit...and.....shit, you got tits!”
“Yeah, um, I woke up like this this morning.”
“What you mean, you woke up like this?”
“It's NOT a fur suit....”
“You mean?”
I grab one in each hand and do the “woogada woogada” routine with them.
He spits coffee all over his keyboard.
I start laughing.
“You asshole....”
“I love you too dear.”
Kind of a long quite pause there, then I stand up, “Could you check something for me?” as I turn
around.
“Damn, you got a tail too...”
“Yeah, That's what I thought too.”
“What'cha going to do now?”
“I'm not sure....”
“Let me call ya back, I got to go downstairs and see what my wife has to say about all this.”
I end the call, pull a t-shirt on and head downstairs. Oddly enough, the good news is my knees aren't
doing their usual amount of complaining.
I stick my head in the doorway, “Can you come out here for a minute?” And then go sit at the dinning
room table. Ducky comes over and sniffs my foot, and I reach down to pet him. He looks really
confused.
My wife wanders in and sits on the other side of the table, “Oh for fuck's sake, how much did that fur
suit cost?”
“Um, uh, it's not a fur suit...”
She walks over and yanks on one of my ears.
“Ow!”
“I'm gonna kill you.....Then I'm gonna dig you up and kill you again.”
I'm hoping she's just joking, but I've learned a long time ago NEVER say “Calm down.”
It's been a couple of months now and I've learned a few things. Like, well, you don't wanna know.
All the kids love me. Everyone else in town just thinks I'm nuts. But they thought that already. The
bank has finally decided to let me in “wearing my fur suit.” And I've learned how to work at the shop
on my radios, so I'm happy.
I did have to cut a couple of holes in my Panama hat so I could wear it.
Bunners