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What happened?\n\nChi and Ai are characters of mine. Picture artwork by [iconname]clyndemoon[/iconname].\n\n[url=https://inkbunny.net/s/1709428]->Third Chapter[/url]\n[url=https://inkbunny.net/s/1551486]->First Chapter[/url]","description_bbcode_parsed":"Taking a trip down the memory lane to recover again some fragments of the whole that was put aside a long time ago... What happened?

Chi and Ai are characters of mine. Picture artwork by \r\n\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t
\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t
\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tclyndemoon\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t
\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t		\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\tclyndemoon\r\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t
.

->Third Chapter
->First Chapter","writing":"II - Reminiscences\n\nby\n\nFumbling Foxpaws\n\n\tI could still feel the taste of her blood in my mouth. For me, this marks the point where everything worthwhile has already been said and done. Since the ancient times, words have been carved in stone, drawn on beach sand, and written on a multitude of pages be they of vellum, papyrus or paper. Every story has been told at least once. There's no word in existence that has anything new to add to those stories. Nor there will ever be such a word again. There's nothing left and this story was about to end. It would be preposterous to try and outdo any of the predecessors, an ultimate act in arrogance doomed to fail from the start. No, it's time to close the book, I thought and started absentmindedly tracing a sign in the dust before me.\n\n\tAs I lay on this block of solid rock - my perch of choice lately - I go mentally through the events of my recent past and my circumstances. My rational thoughts are consumed both with feelings of fond affection and a dread fear of separation that are enough to choke me on the spot. I think of her scent and her taste. I concentrate on my breathing. It'll keep the tears away, I hope.\n\n\tI'm surrounded by a rocky desert as far as the eye can see. From my small vantage point on top of this rock formation I witness dawn creeping closer again, as I have done here several mornings before. The sky is lit with stars and my fur is covered by a fine layer of dust. The white tip of my tail has turned gray because of it and my facial fur must be a mess because of the tears I've been crying - tears, that have mixed with the dust and turned into the dirt that's now covering my face. \n\n\tMy paws have scratches all over and they hurt from running on small pebbles and occasional sharp stones through the night. You just can't avoid running over some of those while you're in a hurry, and my paws must have found them all that this desert has to offer. I'd like to drown myself into the sensation of physical pain if I could, for I fear to think about the possibility that there would be no need to rush anywhere, any longer. But I still need my wits with me for a short while longer, along with some rest that isn't going to be nearly enough. The mental burden falls heavy on me.\n\n\tMy relationship with Acchan wasn't all that complicated at first. Well, I want to give her a little leeway in matters of opinion by saying that. We have been together for some time - enough that it feels, lacking a better way to put it, like half an eternity to me now. Both in good and bad. \n\n\tSome of the memories I have of her and of our time together are vague and uncertain. However, I don't doubt at all that she wouldn't remember everything right from the start if I were to ask her about it, even if I myself have forgotten. All those darkest nooks and crannies of my memories, the kinds that one would like remained hidden or forgotten forever. It would hurt my pride too much if any of it was dug out in the open, like earthworms can be dug from the ground on a hot summer day, for one's amusement to be watched as they wriggle their way in the heat trying to survive the hostile, scorching environment. \n\n\tEverybody has such issues stored away for the day when one feels especially vulnerable to them, so that they can accidentally be remembered. They creep into your conscious thoughts. Then they gloat over you and make your day even more miserable than you had at first thought possible. \n\n\tThat's why I don't even ask. I don't want to be reminded. Not by myself and definitely not by somebody else. She?s my Acchan after all. My sweet and cruel Acchan who would see me as her earthworm should she be given a chance...\n\n\tMy first tangible memory of her, I think, must be from when I was just a kit. We both were at the time, of course. It didn't happen that long ago, after all. Still, I expect time to have gilded the memory to the extent that I cannot be certain anymore about what precisely happened and how. But this is how I remember it.\n\n\tI was running away again, likely from some inner conflict I couldn't solve by myself even if it would have become the death of me, as it was customary for me then. I was just a clueless kit on the run. \n\n\tMy memory serves me especially bad here. Recalling those times now makes me feel odd, because I can't bring myself to remember any reason why I would have left home. But anyway, I ran. I was far away from home, and the terrain was unfamiliar to me. I must have been traveling for several days already, but still I kept running somewhere. \n\n\tDespite a thumping pain on my chest caused by some graze that I had received earlier, I rushed onwards among small hills covered with tall grass. I kept going faster when I reached patches of shorter grass at the bottom of the hills and slowed my pace down again, when I was going uphill and pushing myself against the wall of tall hay fluttering in the wind.\n\n\tIt was autumn and the winds were getting colder by the day. Leaves were starting to fall from the trees, mushrooms and berries were to be found in the forests and there was lots of hay that had shed its pollen and turned into little more than a wall of dry, swaying husks amidst the otherwise humid weather.\n\n\tThe sun was setting and the first stars had already climbed over the horizon. Light was fading fast, the sun kept speeding farther away towards the horizon. The moon was nowhere to be seen but there was still an ample amount of ambient light left, though it was diminishing with each step I took, slowly merging to the darkness that was closing in. \n\n\tI was minding my own business as I went about my way, not bothering to pay too much attention to my surroundings, except maybe with the exception of the evening sky. That kind of behavior was outright calling for trouble. I was young, but that doesn't account for it at all. Why can't I remember? What can't I remember? \n\n\tI did remember hearing a diver in the distance, though. There was probably a pond or such nearby, I thought to myself. The ground was mostly clay and your occasional patches of dirt, and it was a comfortable terrain for my paws to tread upon. A body of water nearby was quite likely. \n\n\tI slowed my pace down as I wondered whether I was thirsty or not and should I start searching for water. I would prefer a clean, running stream to a stale, murky pond any day, but beggars can't be choosers. Especially not if the regions ahead of me turned out to be much dryer and finding water would become a problem later on. \n\n\tI stopped in my tracks completely and pricked up my ears, hoping to catch the burble of running water, or even the sound of that diver again. Instead I heard the long, dry grass rustling a little, some three or four body lengths away from me.\n\n\tThe next thing I knew, I was lying amidst lodged grass with my paws stretched across all the four directions while my tail was having trouble deciding the most comfortable quarter to point to. I felt a heavy weight on my back, and something poking at my tail, obviously trying to catch it. My reflexes were causing the restlessness of my tail as it tried to avoid the poking thing, which was actually something very soft and not quite worthwhile dodging at all. \n\n\tI tried to yank myself out of this new predicament with a sudden thrashing when my muzzle touched something equally soft to the thing poking my tail. Out of fear and surprise, my teeth instinctively grabbed a bite of it but my energy was spent and the bite amounted to only a nibble. Sufficient enough to draw blood but not to cause a serious injury. I felt the taste of warm iron on my tongue. My ears registered a bright yelp that was almost immediately followed by a strained laughter from somewhere above. \n\n\t\"Amidst these hills the winds don't work quite the way you?d expect them to. When you think you're upwind, it could actually be the opposite in regards to how the scents pass here. You'd have to be really distracted or a complete buffoon not to take notice of that - or me - earlier,\" I heard a voice say. ''Not to mention the fact that you lack bite.''\n\n\tThe owner of the voice, I reckon, was playing with my tail. \"Would you mind moving away from on top of me, please?\" I asked nicely. \n\n\t\"Aww, you're no fun at all. What on earth made you like that? Running away from some vixen? Surely you're not looking for one, are you?\" the voice chuckled with a trace of strange familiarity. The poking still continued and all I could reply with was a half muffled grunt. My chest ached.\n\n\t\"I'm sorry,\" the voice continued and the weight on top of me shifted and lifted. \n\n\tI was laying there for a split second longer than my dignity would allow, as I was concentrating on inhaling and deciding how to regain my composure. I was starting to feel vexed at my own distracted state of mind that led to this encounter. And I was irritated at the failed assassination attempt on my pride, resulting in severe injuries to the victim - who would have a hard time recovering, I thought. So I sat and with my ears flat with discontent I looked upon my assailant who probably wasn't hostile, or I would've been done for already.\n\n\tIt was a young vixen, someone of nearly the same age as I. Her red fur was aflame with the last dying rays of the setting sun. They reflected from the lighter patches of her coat, from the tip of her tail, and where ever the gentle autumn breeze touched her, fluffing her soft fur. The sunset gave her the appearance that she was surrounded by a halo. Her black socks seemed to melt into the growing shadows cast by the surrounding mounds. She held her weight on her left front leg while her right front leg was slightly raised. She looked attractive, surely one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen before in my short life. My ears became immediately alert as my eyes feasted on the sight.\n\n\t''Sorry about that. Watching your aimless wandering was too amusing to let the chance pass. You seemed to be completely oblivious to my presence close by.'' she said and started hesitantly cleanse her injured paw from the spot where my teeth had caught hold of it.\n\n\t''Whatever,'' I replied turning my face away from her in my attempt not to give away my sudden interest. First my pride was assaulted, and now my ears were turning out to be traitors. Oh, what an evening. And a [i]very[/i] good one at that, my subconsciousness was apparently trying to convince me, as I felt my spirits starting to lift a little. Except for the fact that I had bitten her, which was now starting to trouble me. ''I'm sorry also. Do you always pounce on people out of the blue?''\n\n\t''Maybe? I don't know for certain. Isn't that what pouncing implies? Now we're even.'' She stopped her cleansing. ''I spotted a soft landing patch from the higher ground and it kind of called my name right away. Can't blame a girl for being opportunistic, can you?'' she said with a twinkle in her eyes. ''Oh, but that's a nasty cut you've got there,'' she said, only now noticing the graze on my chest. She took a few confident steps and approached me.\n\n\t''Hey...'' I started. I was hesitant in deciding what to do. Should I run? Should I stay put? What was she intending to do to me? She reached me before I was able to say anything more or clear my thoughts. I felt her intruding my personal space and then her muzzle closing in on me. As I was trying to make up my mind, I felt a touch on my chest, that was rough yet so soft that I didn't think I had experienced such a sensation before. Her tongue. She had started slowly cleansing my wound that had opened while I was forced on the ground.\n\n\t''Shush now, it needs to be taken care of.''\n\n\tI didn't say a thing. I closed my eyes tight and just enjoyed the attention despite the pricking feel of the open graze. My ears drooped again. My cover was definitely blown away. No point in trying to act otherwise. ''Can I ask...''\n\n\t''My name?'' she said interrupting me again and smiling while she finished the cleansing. ''You wouldn't believe it, but my name is love and you write it ever beautifully. You say it always as if you were writing it, too. It is...''\n\n\tI sigh to myself, reluctantly pulling myself away from the remembrance, and watch the constellations run their course across the sky. The cold stone under me feels comforting. I had the time of my life that night. We talked, ran around chasing each other and played together as only two kits would. She even tagged along with me and showed me to the pond, which was quite a distance away. The water was clear and cool though, contrary to what I had believed before. I saw no indication of divers or other larger animals there. The environment was dead silent, like it is now. \n\n\tWe laughed at the silliest things together and she became my traveling companion to where ever it was that I was headed to at the time. My mood swings also started happening around then. I think it was around then, but I'm not entirely convinced. It's one more of those vague things, as is what it actually was that drove me into changing to my currently prevailing moods of contemplation and blues. I was happier then. A lot I might have forgotten, but that encounter was an epitome of happier times, of that I'm certain.\n\n\tThe second line was drawn with vigor, with an innate certainty to it. The third is made more softly, minding its round nature, I think to myself as I continue tracing the sign in the dust. \n\n\tLots of things have happened since those days near the pond, but some things never change. I've always loved to watch the stars. Whether it was on some grassy hillock in the country of my birth, amidst the typical chilly winds that sometimes made me shiver from the cold. Or its snow laden forests where the winds swayed the spruces and the branches of the lake shore birches that were close to my home. And even farther on the plains and marshes, where the forests suddenly turn into lonely, tall figures of scarcely scattered pines distances apart, the more northward you go. Even at the tops of the desolate peaks of this accursed desert of gravel and stone, where food is scarce and water even harder to find. Yes, even in here I turn to the stars for comfort I can't find elsewhere.\n\n\tNo matter where, as long as it is some remote location far from the sea level that allows you to drown your vision in the bright field of countless little stars twinkling in the sky, you can find some strange solace from the loneliness that is always awaiting right behind your back. A feeling of solitude and separation, a convenient distance away that you can't see it even if you turned around and squinted your eyes very hard, but which nevertheless is always there, hiding behind some bush or other, ready to jump at you with every possible chance it gets. Pondering the profound meaning of that loneliness and the means to escape it made me melancholic and prone to daydreaming, I guess.\n\n\tMost actual dreams I dream are colorless and void of substance. They are so elusive and fleeting, that often when I open my eyes they have already left me behind, and it would seem as if I hadn't dreamt at all. It would feel like I had just misplaced a piece of time somewhere, and left it at its own antics, not bothering to look after it. Sometimes the dreams feel like I think I can hear echoing whispers in my mind that fade away really fast after I wake up, like the footsteps of a rabbit on the run - one of those you couldn't hope catching for some reason or another. \n\n\tAnd then there are dreams, in which I'm with someone who's never probably even existed, but whom I seem to hold very close and dear. In such dreams our time together is the fulfillment of happiness to me, and after waking up I want to cry badly, because I can't be certain whether I've had that someone actually close to me once or not, and if it was indeed all just a dream or a past event forgotten and laid to rest, only to haunt me from my guilty subconsciousness. \n\n\tThen I start to think I've just forgotten about that particular somebody for some bizarre reason, even their appearances. And that because of it, I've lost something very valuable I once had. I become very sad as my mind acknowledges the possibility, but in order to cope with it, I'm eventually convinced it's my memory that is playing tricks on me. They can be confusing like that sometimes, even your common dreams.\n\n\tBut when I dream those certain rare dreams, they are altogether different. The dreams suddenly fill themselves with color and motion so strong and vivid, that the memory of some of them can linger long after I've awoken, even if the exact content of them doesn't. It always doesn't, even with dreams like these. However, they're enough to bathe you in cold sweat and make your heart pound after you awake. Like those times when you're looking out of the entrance to a temporary hideout you have picked in the woods, and you start to wait. \n\n\tImagine you bide your time still, and you see nothing but darkness outside the hideout and ahead of you. Then suddenly you hear a loud boom right next to you, after which everything is briefly lit in white and an uncanny silence follows. After an event like that, imagine a cold rain starting to fall. In order for there to be that light, in order to perceive it vividly, a strong contrast must exist. That is the deep darkness. The deeper the darkness, the stronger the contrast. And it's there, in the deepest darkness of night, in the darkness of heart and things, that something exists. \n\n\tThe living colors that invade the dream are the entryway that is needed for that something to pass over from the darkness of memories to this side, much like that light in this particular example is the harbinger of rain. I know very well rain doesn't always begin quite like that, with a flash and a bang, but the feeling is similar. It's as if it's that light that calls the rain. In a sense, it's the same thing as how I know that something is in there somewhere, even if I can't see it. It comes when it's called.\n\n\tAnd like it is with the rain, I'd rather not have its company, as it leaves me exposed and uncomfortable. Even if the precise contents of the dream elude me afterwards, the memory of having gone through the event persists, sometimes for days. But like it is with many things in life, I often don't have a say in such matters. It comes and goes as it pleases.\n\n\tI was finished with tracing the character ''娃''* in the dust. There, all neat and pretty, just like she would want it. I lift my eyes up to the sky where the Long Tailed Mouse is diving as he escapes the Spider, but is soon bound to run into the Snake that lies waiting just above the horizon. Just as it has always been. \n\n\tEverything keeps revolving around the tip of the escaping Mouse's tail and it'll be the Snake that he runs into, over and over, night after night. No escape. \n\n\tI was now really starting to feel a lump in my throat in addition to the soreness in my paws, so I turned my eyes elsewhere. The Beetle and the Bird, the Horse and the Fang. The sky was offering me no respite tonight. The solace it had been promising seemed to be slipping farther away from me the more I tried to reach it, and the loneliness that I so feared kept crawling closer to me in its stead. \n\n\tI must have turned my eyes away from that sad performance at some point, although I can't quite exactly say when it was. I suddenly just realized I was staring blankly at the horizon, seeing nothing at all before me while I was occupied in my mind. \n\n\tAi had managed to sneak under the stone slab without so much as a rustle. My concentration must have wandered since I didn't notice a thing. I really hadn't learned a thing after all this while.\n\n\t''Are you done soon?'' she asked suddenly, startling me while happily jumping next to me with two graceful leaps. She smiled with a wide grin. ''You were lost in thought as usual, hmm? The dawn's breaking, we should get going before it gets too hot.''\n\n\tThere's a small copse here, somewhere in the middle of this forgotten wasteland. A small spring can be found there, with fresh running water and occasionally something to eat even. Though the copse is very small, it has kept us alive so far. On the edge of it, there's an outcropping of rocks that acts as a shelter from the winds and dust that blow from the northeast. \n\n\tWith all the rock there, some of its deepest crevices actually remain cool even during the daytime. Immediately behind the outcropping the desert starts again, and goes on as far as the eye can see. From the top of the rocks you can see the desert spreading all around the copse. But there's also this smaller, though slightly higher rock formation, a short running distance away. I think this is a more appropriate place for my stargazing and that's why I usually come here after I'm tired of scavenging nearby. \n\n\t''Come along now, save the thoughts about other vixens for later. Today is my turn to have my way with you, and I intend to see to it that I get what I want.'' Ai rose up and was about to start descending down the rocks.\n\n\t''But it's your turn for everything every day anyway'' I said, perhaps making it sound more serious than I had at first intended. I rose slowly to a sitting position to scratch an itch on my right ear. \n\n\tAi stopped in her tracks. ''It's not like we're mates, but I care for you all the same. I wouldn't want to see you suffer a heatstroke.'' She was quiet for a second. ''Unless...'' she feigned a thoughtful expression on her face. ''You seem to have been feeling down more than usually lately. Maybe you actually wouldn't mind being taken care of once in a while?'' she continued with a soft chuckle in her voice. \n\n\tI felt suddenly very light headed and empty inside as I turned to look at her. I didn't say a word. The sun was rising and in that single blue moment, bathed in the rays of the newborn day, she seemed as radiant to me as she was the night I met her for the very first time.\n\n\t''You look hesitant. Are you sure you wouldn't want to do it?'' Ai asked teasingly, turning her posterior to face me while looking over her shoulder and raising her tail in such a seducing, waving manner that she knew would be certain to carry some of her scent over to me. I felt my body starting to react at the sight as my nostrils caught the whiff of her and I had to lower my head in embarrassment. I was hoping that she wouldn't notice. But of course she would know. I wanted her badly.\n\n\t''I'm sure, don't tease me like this, please'' I said, flattening my ears in resignation. \n\n\tShe continued to wag her tail invitingly. ''Oh, but you're not being honest, dear brother. After all, it [i]is[/i] what you're hungry for, isn't it?'' She smiled. ''It's right here for you, willingly offered. You don't need to restrain yourself, because I don't mind it as long as it's with you.'' \n\n\tI inhaled deeply and approached her. The expression on her face remained unchanged, but in her eyes I thought I saw a hint of mixed hesitation and seriousness. I approached her slowly, breathing her essence within me. As much as I was pained by my choice, I didn't give in to the moment. I stepped next to her, pressed my flank against her soft coat and entwined her tail around my own. She stopped her wagging and remained still. \n\n\t''Acchan... it's not that I don't want you, but...'' \n\n\tHer voice became softer, and the teasing tone in it subsided. ''There's no middle ground for you to find in yourself, is there? Always the victim. That's why you remain unhappy. That's why you're an idiot. And that's why you're a weakling.'' \n\n\tNervously, I snapped back. ''I don't want to talk about it. I'm getting there, in my own pace.''\n\n\tAi was silent for a second and then replied by conforming to the movement of my tail and following with a hint of movement of her own, making our little clasp tighten. I winced at her gesture of tenderness.\n\n\tShe turned her head to me and looked me into the eyes. She was enticing me through her eyes now, I thought. Looking into the depths of them was like looking at two bright black stones found in a shallow river on a mid-summer day. The blackness deep as the heart of night, the azure of a clear spring sky. Looking into that beauty made her appear more desirable to me than ever before. I slowly started to realize and reconsider the depths of my actual need of her as well as the consequences of the choice I was, it appeared after all, hesitant to make. \n\n\t''There are times when you need relief, an outlet for emotions, even if it's contrary to your principles. What do you plan on doing with all that pent up negative energy? Do you hope to direct it elsewhere? If you fail in the attempt or lose the direction you chose for doing it, it's like falling into a ravine and breaking your neck. Or do you plan on keeping it inside, then? You don't appear to be succeeding very well. It will slowly consume you and leave you an empty shell. The result will be neither the image of you as you could have been otherwise, nor the image of you that you had hoped to become. You'll be just that, an empty shell, devoid of either chance or intention. Pick the middle ground, that way at least something of the real you survives. That way, at least something survives for me.''\n\n\t''Do you really care about me, or us, I wonder? Do I get to choose my part and where I stand, or am I just a toy to your whims?'' I said sadly, breaking the eye contact. I knew whom I was talking to. I shook my head and settled myself lying on the stone again, where she followed me as soon as she read my intention of doing so. The rising sun was starting to warm our coats, and soon the heat would become nearly unbearable. Our tails kept caressing each other and it seemed the feeling of anticipation between my hind legs wasn't going away soon. A small sigh of pleasure escaped my lips, but she pretended not to notice. \n\n\t''You want it all... you know it won't likely happen, don't you?'' she said. ''It doesn't happen to a lot of people, and likely not to you either. A great many people have said, that things are the way they are because it's their choice. Is the current state of things really one of your choosing, or is this choice you speak of just a convenient excuse? A sorry excuse for what? For being miserable? You can't have everything. Settle for what you can have.'' She pressed herself closer to me and looked me into my eyes again. I couldn't look away although I was ashamed of myself. ''If you choose to be miserable and there's nothing I can do for you, do you expect I still wait for you until you clear your head on your own? Maybe I should just go away for awhile. Or forever.'' She turned her face away. At the same time I felt her scent fading and the feeling of emptiness within me tore into a frightening rip. \n\n\t''I don't want that,'' I said miserably. \n\n\t[i]''Reinardus meus nondum cognoscisti indoles tuas. Quando fabulas narrabitur ut vel quoque te ipsum fraudare poteras.''[/i]** she said while looking me into my eyes, and stopped her caressing. [i]''Perpetuo baro...''[/i] she turned her eyes away and cackled with a cold voice before becoming silent.\n\n\tMy eyes started to moisten with tears and my throat was parched. I felt a lump rising up halfway to my throat, strangling me. My voice was croaking. ''Acchan, what...'' \n\n\tShe got up from my side and walked away looking back at me, grinning. I was taken aback, and could only stand there still for a moment. Then, slowly at first, the tears started flowing. I had to shut my eyes tight for a moment and when I got my vision partly back from behind the tears I had tried to hold locked in, I was alone.\n\n\tI found myself staring at the familiar, open wilderness of rock upon rock spreading around me. What I want doesn't truly matter either way, I realized. What has happened has happened and can only be coped with. I realized I had been crying, so I dried my eyes with my paws, though the heat following the sunrise would be enough to dry them momentarily anyway. The sentiment must have finally overcome me. I rose to my feet, still wobbly from the exhaustion brought by the night long running and searching, yet something held me back. Pride? Worry? Yes, worry. But it wasn't time for that kind of worry, the worry of the unknown. My worries were of different kind altogether now, turned from fear of losing to fear of a final loss. In the end, both are the same, and I'm left alone. To hell with it, I'm a puppet with no margin for movement of my own, I thought.\n\n\tI cursed my weakness as I picked up the carcass of a mouse I had managed to find and catch earlier. The life of one is the death of another. So true for mice here and tonight for this mouse in particular. I silently paid my grateful respects to it in my mind for giving its life to me, and hoping it didn't go wasted. Then I started descending the stones hastily, leap by leap, and proceeded for the cove running as fast as I could.\n\n\tMy legs were reluctant to move at first. Not just because of exhaustion, but also because they didn't want to bring me to where I needed to go. To the scene I didn't want to find there. To the scene I was hoping I wouldn't have to find there. Nevertheless I forced myself to move. My legs cried for mercy, but as I got into a constant pace, the mechanical action of my joints started to feel natural and less painful once again. The faint taste of iron rising to my mouth spoke a different tale, though.\n\n\tI arrived at the small, sheltering outcropping of rock I had left at nightfall. It was a stony hill covered by rocks of varying sizes, some as small as a paw, some as high as a small tree. On the summit there were a few larger boulders conveniently located next to each other in a manner that provided shelter from the elements. Climbing up won't be a problem when you remember the trail taken earlier and follow your muzzle. There are always places to fit your paws on. \n\n\tA good while of leaping and jumping, and there I was, at the summit, at a location which turned out to be an even better shelter from the heat of the day than I had first thought when I was exploring the place a week earlier. And a good location to hide from preying eyes too it turned out to be, not that there would be anything living in the near vicinity anyway, I had hoped. \n\n\tAnd it was there where I found her, just as I had left her, in the safest spot I could have thought of given the sudden circumstances. She was lying safely in the embrace of the stones that had been cooled by the night air, flat as a corpse. \n\n\tI walked over to her with my heart beating fast and tears starting to swell again in my eyes. I dropped the mouse in front of her and watched her chest. I couldn't tell if it was rising and falling or not. I pushed her body gently with my snout and thought I felt a trace of warmth. Hastily I turned my attention to her left hind leg and pushed her fur apart a little with my muzzle to reveal the snakebite marks. If my imagination wasn't playing tricks on me, it would appear to have gotten a little better since yesterday. Maybe we were lucky this time and the snake had already used up most of its venom before making this bite. Or maybe it was sick and the venom wasn't so potent as it could have been. We would have to be more careful in the future. Searching for food near the cove had proved almost fatal, but I was getting my hopes up. I started licking the bite mark on her leg and soon I thought I heard an almost inaudible sigh.\n\n\t''Chi...'' \n\n\tTurning my attention to Ai's face I heard her again. \n\n\t''Chi... you returned... still.'' \n\n\tMy legs finally gave way. I crashed next to her, thrust my head under her chin into her lap and burst crying helplessly. ''There's no way I could ever leave you.''\n\n\tBut that I did, just a few nights ago. I let her loose to find her own way. To find someone better, someone less insecure. And someone more honest with himself. While we were arguing we had gotten careless and Ai was bitten by a snake when she left searching for food. I heard her cry and ran to the scene. When I found her lying on the ground I noticed she had managed to kill a snake and toss it away. I did try sucking out the venom, but doubted I didn't do that well. Somehow I managed to get her on my back and carry her here, but that was all I could do. She was developing a fever, and I didn't know what else to do, except to find something for us to eat. Each time I returned, I thought it would be for the last time.\n\n\tWe stayed like that for awhile, she didn't say anything and just let me cry. After I had run out of tears and could only sob a little, she moved her paw slightly to touch mine. \n\n\t''Snuggles... is nice,'' she said. I pressed my body more tightly against her and embraced her tail with mine. \n\n\t''Oh...'' she tried to continue, but I interrupted her. \n\n\t''I managed to catch a mouse, but you're in no shape to eat just yet. Still, you have to try. Food and fluids will speed up recovery. Unfortunately, I can't bring any water with me, so the mouse will have to do for now. I'll go searching again after the sun sets.'' \n\n\tShe struggled with a weary voice to form complete sentences. ''It's okay. I think I'll survive after all. I just need to sleep a little more.''\n\n\t''Sleep safely then. I'll be here when you wake up,'' I said overly happy, not knowing anything better to say, and instead just fondly snuggled closer to her. ``Tell me if you need a ride down for a drink or something else.''\n\n\t[i]''...perpetuo baro...''[/i] she murmured softly in response. \n\n\t''Where did you learn that? I'm quite certain you haven't heard that from me before.'' I asked in amazement and my senses suddenly very alert, knowing that I couldn't have heard her right - she didn't know the language. As soon as I had finished my sentence I was taken over by a sudden feeling of deja vu.\n\n\tAi looked puzzled as the realization hit her. ''Maybe it was an old song or something you hummed to yourself at some point and I've caught the phrase from that? The words must have come from you one way or another. Nobody else is dumb enough to speak to themselves in a dead language but you, right?'' \n\n\t''No. I don't think so.'' I said as I was starting to realize something, but couldn't quite catch what it was. ''You just called me 'always a fool', and I'm certain I wouldn't give you reason to learn something like that.'' I paused. ''You would keep pestering me with it constantly if I did.''\n\n\t''Sounds awful, but also like me.'' She managed a chuckle and settled herself in a more relaxed position. ''What does your heart want? It should not wait too long, little dreamer. It ought to choose, for good or for bad. You don't have an eternity to make up your mind. You're not that privileged.'' \n\n\tWith Ai's words my relief changed quickly to nervousness. ''You know it's my insecurity that's doing the talking in most matters. As is my silence. You know me.'' Just accept the parts that matter, the core of it, I tell myself. Let her have me as I am or let her let me go if she chooses. It is her decision. I'd help her recover and then I'd let her choose. It would be much easier that way. Easier for me, however unfair that was. But that's how it had to be.\n\n\tI wouldn't mind being her companion for some time more. I wouldn't mind committing myself to her even unto the end of life itself, if it meant I could have her by my side as we run together in the endless Otherside. The afterlife, where our tails would weave auroras in the night sky as we speed along the snowy plains between an infinity of evergreen forests, forgotten by time itself. \n\n\tAnd at the daybreak, when we'd be exhausted from our running, we would burrow ourselves under the snow where it would be comfortably warm and cozy. She would ask me if I had traced all the necessary wards outside like she had taught me, and I would tell her that I had. Then we would curl up together in our refuge, sleep and recuperate until the night welcomed us to her realm once again with open arms and love.\n\n\tLove, huh? Now wouldn't that make a story of a lifetime, I wondered. But it isn't that easy for me, something is holding me back. However, if I did nothing, everything would surely end, like I already thought it had. I thought about it for a moment more. Then I started caressing Ai's tail gently with my own. She accepted the gesture and clasped my tail with hers. \n\n\t''So I actually need a near death experience in order to get you show even this kind of affection?''\n\n\t''That sounds bad when you put it like that.'' I said with embarrassment. ``But, it's not like I'm doing it intentionally.''\n\n\t''You're that afraid you're committing yourself to something unknown? It's just me, you know.''\n\n\t''That's not it... exactly. I don't think so. It's not the main reason for it... probably.''\n\n\t''I'm too tired to argue right now, but I assure you I'm going to get you cured of it, whatever it is. Just you wait until I get better. Then we'll see to that.'' Ai was getting frustrated. ``Although I'm not sure yet myself how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to try. That means you're going to try also.''\n\n\tI gulped. Ai's tender stroking felt good and her lap was inviting. I pressed myself even more tightly against her to feel her warmth that my body was yearning for. And with my thoughts and doubts still haunting me from somewhere unseen, not entirely silenced, we both tried to catch much needed sleep.\n\n\t[i]''...perpetuo baro, frater.''[/i]\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\t*This character has the meaning 'beautiful'. In Japanese its possible pronounciations are, among others, [a] and [ai]. The latter is also the pronounciation for the character meaning 'love'. \n\n\t**''You haven't learned to know (the depth of) your talents yet, my Reinardus. Some day stories will be told of how you could fool even yourself.''","writing_bbcode_parsed":"II - Reminiscences

by

Fumbling Foxpaws

\tI could still feel the taste of her blood in my mouth. For me, this marks the point where everything worthwhile has already been said and done. Since the ancient times, words have been carved in stone, drawn on beach sand, and written on a multitude of pages be they of vellum, papyrus or paper. Every story has been told at least once. There's no word in existence that has anything new to add to those stories. Nor there will ever be such a word again. There's nothing left and this story was about to end. It would be preposterous to try and outdo any of the predecessors, an ultimate act in arrogance doomed to fail from the start. No, it's time to close the book, I thought and started absentmindedly tracing a sign in the dust before me.

\tAs I lay on this block of solid rock - my perch of choice lately - I go mentally through the events of my recent past and my circumstances. My rational thoughts are consumed both with feelings of fond affection and a dread fear of separation that are enough to choke me on the spot. I think of her scent and her taste. I concentrate on my breathing. It'll keep the tears away, I hope.

\tI'm surrounded by a rocky desert as far as the eye can see. From my small vantage point on top of this rock formation I witness dawn creeping closer again, as I have done here several mornings before. The sky is lit with stars and my fur is covered by a fine layer of dust. The white tip of my tail has turned gray because of it and my facial fur must be a mess because of the tears I've been crying - tears, that have mixed with the dust and turned into the dirt that's now covering my face.

\tMy paws have scratches all over and they hurt from running on small pebbles and occasional sharp stones through the night. You just can't avoid running over some of those while you're in a hurry, and my paws must have found them all that this desert has to offer. I'd like to drown myself into the sensation of physical pain if I could, for I fear to think about the possibility that there would be no need to rush anywhere, any longer. But I still need my wits with me for a short while longer, along with some rest that isn't going to be nearly enough. The mental burden falls heavy on me.

\tMy relationship with Acchan wasn't all that complicated at first. Well, I want to give her a little leeway in matters of opinion by saying that. We have been together for some time - enough that it feels, lacking a better way to put it, like half an eternity to me now. Both in good and bad.

\tSome of the memories I have of her and of our time together are vague and uncertain. However, I don't doubt at all that she wouldn't remember everything right from the start if I were to ask her about it, even if I myself have forgotten. All those darkest nooks and crannies of my memories, the kinds that one would like remained hidden or forgotten forever. It would hurt my pride too much if any of it was dug out in the open, like earthworms can be dug from the ground on a hot summer day, for one's amusement to be watched as they wriggle their way in the heat trying to survive the hostile, scorching environment.

\tEverybody has such issues stored away for the day when one feels especially vulnerable to them, so that they can accidentally be remembered. They creep into your conscious thoughts. Then they gloat over you and make your day even more miserable than you had at first thought possible.

\tThat's why I don't even ask. I don't want to be reminded. Not by myself and definitely not by somebody else. She?s my Acchan after all. My sweet and cruel Acchan who would see me as her earthworm should she be given a chance...

\tMy first tangible memory of her, I think, must be from when I was just a kit. We both were at the time, of course. It didn't happen that long ago, after all. Still, I expect time to have gilded the memory to the extent that I cannot be certain anymore about what precisely happened and how. But this is how I remember it.

\tI was running away again, likely from some inner conflict I couldn't solve by myself even if it would have become the death of me, as it was customary for me then. I was just a clueless kit on the run.

\tMy memory serves me especially bad here. Recalling those times now makes me feel odd, because I can't bring myself to remember any reason why I would have left home. But anyway, I ran. I was far away from home, and the terrain was unfamiliar to me. I must have been traveling for several days already, but still I kept running somewhere.

\tDespite a thumping pain on my chest caused by some graze that I had received earlier, I rushed onwards among small hills covered with tall grass. I kept going faster when I reached patches of shorter grass at the bottom of the hills and slowed my pace down again, when I was going uphill and pushing myself against the wall of tall hay fluttering in the wind.

\tIt was autumn and the winds were getting colder by the day. Leaves were starting to fall from the trees, mushrooms and berries were to be found in the forests and there was lots of hay that had shed its pollen and turned into little more than a wall of dry, swaying husks amidst the otherwise humid weather.

\tThe sun was setting and the first stars had already climbed over the horizon. Light was fading fast, the sun kept speeding farther away towards the horizon. The moon was nowhere to be seen but there was still an ample amount of ambient light left, though it was diminishing with each step I took, slowly merging to the darkness that was closing in.

\tI was minding my own business as I went about my way, not bothering to pay too much attention to my surroundings, except maybe with the exception of the evening sky. That kind of behavior was outright calling for trouble. I was young, but that doesn't account for it at all. Why can't I remember? What can't I remember?

\tI did remember hearing a diver in the distance, though. There was probably a pond or such nearby, I thought to myself. The ground was mostly clay and your occasional patches of dirt, and it was a comfortable terrain for my paws to tread upon. A body of water nearby was quite likely.

\tI slowed my pace down as I wondered whether I was thirsty or not and should I start searching for water. I would prefer a clean, running stream to a stale, murky pond any day, but beggars can't be choosers. Especially not if the regions ahead of me turned out to be much dryer and finding water would become a problem later on.

\tI stopped in my tracks completely and pricked up my ears, hoping to catch the burble of running water, or even the sound of that diver again. Instead I heard the long, dry grass rustling a little, some three or four body lengths away from me.

\tThe next thing I knew, I was lying amidst lodged grass with my paws stretched across all the four directions while my tail was having trouble deciding the most comfortable quarter to point to. I felt a heavy weight on my back, and something poking at my tail, obviously trying to catch it. My reflexes were causing the restlessness of my tail as it tried to avoid the poking thing, which was actually something very soft and not quite worthwhile dodging at all.

\tI tried to yank myself out of this new predicament with a sudden thrashing when my muzzle touched something equally soft to the thing poking my tail. Out of fear and surprise, my teeth instinctively grabbed a bite of it but my energy was spent and the bite amounted to only a nibble. Sufficient enough to draw blood but not to cause a serious injury. I felt the taste of warm iron on my tongue. My ears registered a bright yelp that was almost immediately followed by a strained laughter from somewhere above.

\t"Amidst these hills the winds don't work quite the way you?d expect them to. When you think you're upwind, it could actually be the opposite in regards to how the scents pass here. You'd have to be really distracted or a complete buffoon not to take notice of that - or me - earlier," I heard a voice say. ''Not to mention the fact that you lack bite.''

\tThe owner of the voice, I reckon, was playing with my tail. "Would you mind moving away from on top of me, please?" I asked nicely.

\t"Aww, you're no fun at all. What on earth made you like that? Running away from some vixen? Surely you're not looking for one, are you?" the voice chuckled with a trace of strange familiarity. The poking still continued and all I could reply with was a half muffled grunt. My chest ached.

\t"I'm sorry," the voice continued and the weight on top of me shifted and lifted.

\tI was laying there for a split second longer than my dignity would allow, as I was concentrating on inhaling and deciding how to regain my composure. I was starting to feel vexed at my own distracted state of mind that led to this encounter. And I was irritated at the failed assassination attempt on my pride, resulting in severe injuries to the victim - who would have a hard time recovering, I thought. So I sat and with my ears flat with discontent I looked upon my assailant who probably wasn't hostile, or I would've been done for already.

\tIt was a young vixen, someone of nearly the same age as I. Her red fur was aflame with the last dying rays of the setting sun. They reflected from the lighter patches of her coat, from the tip of her tail, and where ever the gentle autumn breeze touched her, fluffing her soft fur. The sunset gave her the appearance that she was surrounded by a halo. Her black socks seemed to melt into the growing shadows cast by the surrounding mounds. She held her weight on her left front leg while her right front leg was slightly raised. She looked attractive, surely one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen before in my short life. My ears became immediately alert as my eyes feasted on the sight.

\t''Sorry about that. Watching your aimless wandering was too amusing to let the chance pass. You seemed to be completely oblivious to my presence close by.'' she said and started hesitantly cleanse her injured paw from the spot where my teeth had caught hold of it.

\t''Whatever,'' I replied turning my face away from her in my attempt not to give away my sudden interest. First my pride was assaulted, and now my ears were turning out to be traitors. Oh, what an evening. And a very good one at that, my subconsciousness was apparently trying to convince me, as I felt my spirits starting to lift a little. Except for the fact that I had bitten her, which was now starting to trouble me. ''I'm sorry also. Do you always pounce on people out of the blue?''

\t''Maybe? I don't know for certain. Isn't that what pouncing implies? Now we're even.'' She stopped her cleansing. ''I spotted a soft landing patch from the higher ground and it kind of called my name right away. Can't blame a girl for being opportunistic, can you?'' she said with a twinkle in her eyes. ''Oh, but that's a nasty cut you've got there,'' she said, only now noticing the graze on my chest. She took a few confident steps and approached me.

\t''Hey...'' I started. I was hesitant in deciding what to do. Should I run? Should I stay put? What was she intending to do to me? She reached me before I was able to say anything more or clear my thoughts. I felt her intruding my personal space and then her muzzle closing in on me. As I was trying to make up my mind, I felt a touch on my chest, that was rough yet so soft that I didn't think I had experienced such a sensation before. Her tongue. She had started slowly cleansing my wound that had opened while I was forced on the ground.

\t''Shush now, it needs to be taken care of.''

\tI didn't say a thing. I closed my eyes tight and just enjoyed the attention despite the pricking feel of the open graze. My ears drooped again. My cover was definitely blown away. No point in trying to act otherwise. ''Can I ask...''

\t''My name?'' she said interrupting me again and smiling while she finished the cleansing. ''You wouldn't believe it, but my name is love and you write it ever beautifully. You say it always as if you were writing it, too. It is...''

\tI sigh to myself, reluctantly pulling myself away from the remembrance, and watch the constellations run their course across the sky. The cold stone under me feels comforting. I had the time of my life that night. We talked, ran around chasing each other and played together as only two kits would. She even tagged along with me and showed me to the pond, which was quite a distance away. The water was clear and cool though, contrary to what I had believed before. I saw no indication of divers or other larger animals there. The environment was dead silent, like it is now.

\tWe laughed at the silliest things together and she became my traveling companion to where ever it was that I was headed to at the time. My mood swings also started happening around then. I think it was around then, but I'm not entirely convinced. It's one more of those vague things, as is what it actually was that drove me into changing to my currently prevailing moods of contemplation and blues. I was happier then. A lot I might have forgotten, but that encounter was an epitome of happier times, of that I'm certain.

\tThe second line was drawn with vigor, with an innate certainty to it. The third is made more softly, minding its round nature, I think to myself as I continue tracing the sign in the dust.

\tLots of things have happened since those days near the pond, but some things never change. I've always loved to watch the stars. Whether it was on some grassy hillock in the country of my birth, amidst the typical chilly winds that sometimes made me shiver from the cold. Or its snow laden forests where the winds swayed the spruces and the branches of the lake shore birches that were close to my home. And even farther on the plains and marshes, where the forests suddenly turn into lonely, tall figures of scarcely scattered pines distances apart, the more northward you go. Even at the tops of the desolate peaks of this accursed desert of gravel and stone, where food is scarce and water even harder to find. Yes, even in here I turn to the stars for comfort I can't find elsewhere.

\tNo matter where, as long as it is some remote location far from the sea level that allows you to drown your vision in the bright field of countless little stars twinkling in the sky, you can find some strange solace from the loneliness that is always awaiting right behind your back. A feeling of solitude and separation, a convenient distance away that you can't see it even if you turned around and squinted your eyes very hard, but which nevertheless is always there, hiding behind some bush or other, ready to jump at you with every possible chance it gets. Pondering the profound meaning of that loneliness and the means to escape it made me melancholic and prone to daydreaming, I guess.

\tMost actual dreams I dream are colorless and void of substance. They are so elusive and fleeting, that often when I open my eyes they have already left me behind, and it would seem as if I hadn't dreamt at all. It would feel like I had just misplaced a piece of time somewhere, and left it at its own antics, not bothering to look after it. Sometimes the dreams feel like I think I can hear echoing whispers in my mind that fade away really fast after I wake up, like the footsteps of a rabbit on the run - one of those you couldn't hope catching for some reason or another.

\tAnd then there are dreams, in which I'm with someone who's never probably even existed, but whom I seem to hold very close and dear. In such dreams our time together is the fulfillment of happiness to me, and after waking up I want to cry badly, because I can't be certain whether I've had that someone actually close to me once or not, and if it was indeed all just a dream or a past event forgotten and laid to rest, only to haunt me from my guilty subconsciousness.

\tThen I start to think I've just forgotten about that particular somebody for some bizarre reason, even their appearances. And that because of it, I've lost something very valuable I once had. I become very sad as my mind acknowledges the possibility, but in order to cope with it, I'm eventually convinced it's my memory that is playing tricks on me. They can be confusing like that sometimes, even your common dreams.

\tBut when I dream those certain rare dreams, they are altogether different. The dreams suddenly fill themselves with color and motion so strong and vivid, that the memory of some of them can linger long after I've awoken, even if the exact content of them doesn't. It always doesn't, even with dreams like these. However, they're enough to bathe you in cold sweat and make your heart pound after you awake. Like those times when you're looking out of the entrance to a temporary hideout you have picked in the woods, and you start to wait.

\tImagine you bide your time still, and you see nothing but darkness outside the hideout and ahead of you. Then suddenly you hear a loud boom right next to you, after which everything is briefly lit in white and an uncanny silence follows. After an event like that, imagine a cold rain starting to fall. In order for there to be that light, in order to perceive it vividly, a strong contrast must exist. That is the deep darkness. The deeper the darkness, the stronger the contrast. And it's there, in the deepest darkness of night, in the darkness of heart and things, that something exists.

\tThe living colors that invade the dream are the entryway that is needed for that something to pass over from the darkness of memories to this side, much like that light in this particular example is the harbinger of rain. I know very well rain doesn't always begin quite like that, with a flash and a bang, but the feeling is similar. It's as if it's that light that calls the rain. In a sense, it's the same thing as how I know that something is in there somewhere, even if I can't see it. It comes when it's called.

\tAnd like it is with the rain, I'd rather not have its company, as it leaves me exposed and uncomfortable. Even if the precise contents of the dream elude me afterwards, the memory of having gone through the event persists, sometimes for days. But like it is with many things in life, I often don't have a say in such matters. It comes and goes as it pleases.

\tI was finished with tracing the character ''娃''* in the dust. There, all neat and pretty, just like she would want it. I lift my eyes up to the sky where the Long Tailed Mouse is diving as he escapes the Spider, but is soon bound to run into the Snake that lies waiting just above the horizon. Just as it has always been.

\tEverything keeps revolving around the tip of the escaping Mouse's tail and it'll be the Snake that he runs into, over and over, night after night. No escape.

\tI was now really starting to feel a lump in my throat in addition to the soreness in my paws, so I turned my eyes elsewhere. The Beetle and the Bird, the Horse and the Fang. The sky was offering me no respite tonight. The solace it had been promising seemed to be slipping farther away from me the more I tried to reach it, and the loneliness that I so feared kept crawling closer to me in its stead.

\tI must have turned my eyes away from that sad performance at some point, although I can't quite exactly say when it was. I suddenly just realized I was staring blankly at the horizon, seeing nothing at all before me while I was occupied in my mind.

\tAi had managed to sneak under the stone slab without so much as a rustle. My concentration must have wandered since I didn't notice a thing. I really hadn't learned a thing after all this while.

\t''Are you done soon?'' she asked suddenly, startling me while happily jumping next to me with two graceful leaps. She smiled with a wide grin. ''You were lost in thought as usual, hmm? The dawn's breaking, we should get going before it gets too hot.''

\tThere's a small copse here, somewhere in the middle of this forgotten wasteland. A small spring can be found there, with fresh running water and occasionally something to eat even. Though the copse is very small, it has kept us alive so far. On the edge of it, there's an outcropping of rocks that acts as a shelter from the winds and dust that blow from the northeast.

\tWith all the rock there, some of its deepest crevices actually remain cool even during the daytime. Immediately behind the outcropping the desert starts again, and goes on as far as the eye can see. From the top of the rocks you can see the desert spreading all around the copse. But there's also this smaller, though slightly higher rock formation, a short running distance away. I think this is a more appropriate place for my stargazing and that's why I usually come here after I'm tired of scavenging nearby.

\t''Come along now, save the thoughts about other vixens for later. Today is my turn to have my way with you, and I intend to see to it that I get what I want.'' Ai rose up and was about to start descending down the rocks.

\t''But it's your turn for everything every day anyway'' I said, perhaps making it sound more serious than I had at first intended. I rose slowly to a sitting position to scratch an itch on my right ear.

\tAi stopped in her tracks. ''It's not like we're mates, but I care for you all the same. I wouldn't want to see you suffer a heatstroke.'' She was quiet for a second. ''Unless...'' she feigned a thoughtful expression on her face. ''You seem to have been feeling down more than usually lately. Maybe you actually wouldn't mind being taken care of once in a while?'' she continued with a soft chuckle in her voice.

\tI felt suddenly very light headed and empty inside as I turned to look at her. I didn't say a word. The sun was rising and in that single blue moment, bathed in the rays of the newborn day, she seemed as radiant to me as she was the night I met her for the very first time.

\t''You look hesitant. Are you sure you wouldn't want to do it?'' Ai asked teasingly, turning her posterior to face me while looking over her shoulder and raising her tail in such a seducing, waving manner that she knew would be certain to carry some of her scent over to me. I felt my body starting to react at the sight as my nostrils caught the whiff of her and I had to lower my head in embarrassment. I was hoping that she wouldn't notice. But of course she would know. I wanted her badly.

\t''I'm sure, don't tease me like this, please'' I said, flattening my ears in resignation.

\tShe continued to wag her tail invitingly. ''Oh, but you're not being honest, dear brother. After all, it is what you're hungry for, isn't it?'' She smiled. ''It's right here for you, willingly offered. You don't need to restrain yourself, because I don't mind it as long as it's with you.''

\tI inhaled deeply and approached her. The expression on her face remained unchanged, but in her eyes I thought I saw a hint of mixed hesitation and seriousness. I approached her slowly, breathing her essence within me. As much as I was pained by my choice, I didn't give in to the moment. I stepped next to her, pressed my flank against her soft coat and entwined her tail around my own. She stopped her wagging and remained still.

\t''Acchan... it's not that I don't want you, but...''

\tHer voice became softer, and the teasing tone in it subsided. ''There's no middle ground for you to find in yourself, is there? Always the victim. That's why you remain unhappy. That's why you're an idiot. And that's why you're a weakling.''

\tNervously, I snapped back. ''I don't want to talk about it. I'm getting there, in my own pace.''

\tAi was silent for a second and then replied by conforming to the movement of my tail and following with a hint of movement of her own, making our little clasp tighten. I winced at her gesture of tenderness.

\tShe turned her head to me and looked me into the eyes. She was enticing me through her eyes now, I thought. Looking into the depths of them was like looking at two bright black stones found in a shallow river on a mid-summer day. The blackness deep as the heart of night, the azure of a clear spring sky. Looking into that beauty made her appear more desirable to me than ever before. I slowly started to realize and reconsider the depths of my actual need of her as well as the consequences of the choice I was, it appeared after all, hesitant to make.

\t''There are times when you need relief, an outlet for emotions, even if it's contrary to your principles. What do you plan on doing with all that pent up negative energy? Do you hope to direct it elsewhere? If you fail in the attempt or lose the direction you chose for doing it, it's like falling into a ravine and breaking your neck. Or do you plan on keeping it inside, then? You don't appear to be succeeding very well. It will slowly consume you and leave you an empty shell. The result will be neither the image of you as you could have been otherwise, nor the image of you that you had hoped to become. You'll be just that, an empty shell, devoid of either chance or intention. Pick the middle ground, that way at least something of the real you survives. That way, at least something survives for me.''

\t''Do you really care about me, or us, I wonder? Do I get to choose my part and where I stand, or am I just a toy to your whims?'' I said sadly, breaking the eye contact. I knew whom I was talking to. I shook my head and settled myself lying on the stone again, where she followed me as soon as she read my intention of doing so. The rising sun was starting to warm our coats, and soon the heat would become nearly unbearable. Our tails kept caressing each other and it seemed the feeling of anticipation between my hind legs wasn't going away soon. A small sigh of pleasure escaped my lips, but she pretended not to notice.

\t''You want it all... you know it won't likely happen, don't you?'' she said. ''It doesn't happen to a lot of people, and likely not to you either. A great many people have said, that things are the way they are because it's their choice. Is the current state of things really one of your choosing, or is this choice you speak of just a convenient excuse? A sorry excuse for what? For being miserable? You can't have everything. Settle for what you can have.'' She pressed herself closer to me and looked me into my eyes again. I couldn't look away although I was ashamed of myself. ''If you choose to be miserable and there's nothing I can do for you, do you expect I still wait for you until you clear your head on your own? Maybe I should just go away for awhile. Or forever.'' She turned her face away. At the same time I felt her scent fading and the feeling of emptiness within me tore into a frightening rip.

\t''I don't want that,'' I said miserably.

\t''Reinardus meus nondum cognoscisti indoles tuas. Quando fabulas narrabitur ut vel quoque te ipsum fraudare poteras.''** she said while looking me into my eyes, and stopped her caressing. ''Perpetuo baro...'' she turned her eyes away and cackled with a cold voice before becoming silent.

\tMy eyes started to moisten with tears and my throat was parched. I felt a lump rising up halfway to my throat, strangling me. My voice was croaking. ''Acchan, what...''

\tShe got up from my side and walked away looking back at me, grinning. I was taken aback, and could only stand there still for a moment. Then, slowly at first, the tears started flowing. I had to shut my eyes tight for a moment and when I got my vision partly back from behind the tears I had tried to hold locked in, I was alone.

\tI found myself staring at the familiar, open wilderness of rock upon rock spreading around me. What I want doesn't truly matter either way, I realized. What has happened has happened and can only be coped with. I realized I had been crying, so I dried my eyes with my paws, though the heat following the sunrise would be enough to dry them momentarily anyway. The sentiment must have finally overcome me. I rose to my feet, still wobbly from the exhaustion brought by the night long running and searching, yet something held me back. Pride? Worry? Yes, worry. But it wasn't time for that kind of worry, the worry of the unknown. My worries were of different kind altogether now, turned from fear of losing to fear of a final loss. In the end, both are the same, and I'm left alone. To hell with it, I'm a puppet with no margin for movement of my own, I thought.

\tI cursed my weakness as I picked up the carcass of a mouse I had managed to find and catch earlier. The life of one is the death of another. So true for mice here and tonight for this mouse in particular. I silently paid my grateful respects to it in my mind for giving its life to me, and hoping it didn't go wasted. Then I started descending the stones hastily, leap by leap, and proceeded for the cove running as fast as I could.

\tMy legs were reluctant to move at first. Not just because of exhaustion, but also because they didn't want to bring me to where I needed to go. To the scene I didn't want to find there. To the scene I was hoping I wouldn't have to find there. Nevertheless I forced myself to move. My legs cried for mercy, but as I got into a constant pace, the mechanical action of my joints started to feel natural and less painful once again. The faint taste of iron rising to my mouth spoke a different tale, though.

\tI arrived at the small, sheltering outcropping of rock I had left at nightfall. It was a stony hill covered by rocks of varying sizes, some as small as a paw, some as high as a small tree. On the summit there were a few larger boulders conveniently located next to each other in a manner that provided shelter from the elements. Climbing up won't be a problem when you remember the trail taken earlier and follow your muzzle. There are always places to fit your paws on.

\tA good while of leaping and jumping, and there I was, at the summit, at a location which turned out to be an even better shelter from the heat of the day than I had first thought when I was exploring the place a week earlier. And a good location to hide from preying eyes too it turned out to be, not that there would be anything living in the near vicinity anyway, I had hoped.

\tAnd it was there where I found her, just as I had left her, in the safest spot I could have thought of given the sudden circumstances. She was lying safely in the embrace of the stones that had been cooled by the night air, flat as a corpse.

\tI walked over to her with my heart beating fast and tears starting to swell again in my eyes. I dropped the mouse in front of her and watched her chest. I couldn't tell if it was rising and falling or not. I pushed her body gently with my snout and thought I felt a trace of warmth. Hastily I turned my attention to her left hind leg and pushed her fur apart a little with my muzzle to reveal the snakebite marks. If my imagination wasn't playing tricks on me, it would appear to have gotten a little better since yesterday. Maybe we were lucky this time and the snake had already used up most of its venom before making this bite. Or maybe it was sick and the venom wasn't so potent as it could have been. We would have to be more careful in the future. Searching for food near the cove had proved almost fatal, but I was getting my hopes up. I started licking the bite mark on her leg and soon I thought I heard an almost inaudible sigh.

\t''Chi...''

\tTurning my attention to Ai's face I heard her again.

\t''Chi... you returned... still.''

\tMy legs finally gave way. I crashed next to her, thrust my head under her chin into her lap and burst crying helplessly. ''There's no way I could ever leave you.''

\tBut that I did, just a few nights ago. I let her loose to find her own way. To find someone better, someone less insecure. And someone more honest with himself. While we were arguing we had gotten careless and Ai was bitten by a snake when she left searching for food. I heard her cry and ran to the scene. When I found her lying on the ground I noticed she had managed to kill a snake and toss it away. I did try sucking out the venom, but doubted I didn't do that well. Somehow I managed to get her on my back and carry her here, but that was all I could do. She was developing a fever, and I didn't know what else to do, except to find something for us to eat. Each time I returned, I thought it would be for the last time.

\tWe stayed like that for awhile, she didn't say anything and just let me cry. After I had run out of tears and could only sob a little, she moved her paw slightly to touch mine.

\t''Snuggles... is nice,'' she said. I pressed my body more tightly against her and embraced her tail with mine.

\t''Oh...'' she tried to continue, but I interrupted her.

\t''I managed to catch a mouse, but you're in no shape to eat just yet. Still, you have to try. Food and fluids will speed up recovery. Unfortunately, I can't bring any water with me, so the mouse will have to do for now.   I'll go searching again after the sun sets.''

\tShe struggled with a weary voice to form complete sentences. ''It's okay. I think I'll survive after all. I just need to sleep a little more.''

\t''Sleep safely then. I'll be here when you wake up,'' I said overly happy, not knowing anything better to say, and instead just fondly snuggled closer to her. ``Tell me if you need a ride down for a drink or something else.''

\t''...perpetuo baro...'' she murmured softly in response.

\t''Where did you learn that? I'm quite certain you haven't heard that from me before.'' I asked in amazement and my senses suddenly very alert, knowing that I couldn't have heard her right - she didn't know the language. As soon as I had finished my sentence I was taken over by a sudden feeling of deja vu.

\tAi looked puzzled as the realization hit her. ''Maybe it was an old song or something you hummed to yourself at some point and I've caught the phrase from that? The words must have come from you one way or another. Nobody else is dumb enough to speak to themselves in a dead language but you, right?''

\t''No. I don't think so.'' I said as I was starting to realize something, but couldn't quite catch what it was. ''You just called me 'always a fool', and I'm certain I wouldn't give you reason to learn something like that.'' I paused. ''You would keep pestering me with it constantly if I did.''

\t''Sounds awful, but also like me.'' She managed a chuckle and settled herself in a more relaxed position. ''What does your heart want? It should not wait too long, little dreamer. It ought to choose, for good or for bad. You don't have an eternity to make up your mind. You're not that privileged.''

\tWith Ai's words my relief changed quickly to nervousness. ''You know it's my insecurity that's doing the talking in most matters. As is my silence. You know me.'' Just accept the parts that matter, the core of it, I tell myself. Let her have me as I am or let her let me go if she chooses. It is her decision. I'd help her recover and then I'd let her choose. It would be much easier that way. Easier for me, however unfair that was. But that's how it had to be.

\tI wouldn't mind being her companion for some time more. I wouldn't mind committing myself to her even unto the end of life itself, if it meant I could have her by my side as we run together in the endless Otherside. The afterlife, where our tails would weave auroras in the night sky as we speed along the snowy plains between an infinity of evergreen forests, forgotten by time itself.

\tAnd at the daybreak, when we'd be exhausted from our running, we would burrow ourselves under the snow where it would be comfortably warm and cozy. She would ask me if I had traced all the necessary wards outside like she had taught me, and I would tell her that I had. Then we would curl up together in our refuge, sleep and recuperate until the night welcomed us to her realm once again with open arms and love.

\tLove, huh? Now wouldn't that make a story of a lifetime, I wondered. But it isn't that easy for me, something is holding me back. However, if I did nothing, everything would surely end, like I already thought it had. I thought about it for a moment more. Then I started caressing Ai's tail gently with my own. She accepted the gesture and clasped my tail with hers.

\t''So I actually need a near death experience in order to get you show even this kind of affection?''

\t''That sounds bad when you put it like that.'' I said with embarrassment. ``But, it's not like I'm doing it intentionally.''

\t''You're that afraid you're committing yourself to something unknown? It's just me, you know.''

\t''That's not it... exactly. I don't think so. It's not the main reason for it... probably.''

\t''I'm too tired to argue right now, but I assure you I'm going to get you cured of it, whatever it is. Just you wait until I get better. Then we'll see to that.'' Ai was getting frustrated. ``Although I'm not sure yet myself how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to try. That means you're going to try also.''

\tI gulped. Ai's tender stroking felt good and her lap was inviting. I pressed myself even more tightly against her to feel her warmth that my body was yearning for. And with my thoughts and doubts still haunting me from somewhere unseen, not entirely silenced, we both tried to catch much needed sleep.

\t''...perpetuo baro, frater.''






\t*This character has the meaning 'beautiful'. In Japanese its possible pronounciations are, among others, [a] and [ai]. The latter is also the pronounciation for the character meaning 'love'.

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