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So I will be away tonight, and I thought better be over with it this year. I will rant not sure if it helps but …. Maybe.
To clarify my live is probably better than it will seem frome the rant. I have friends. I even will spend tonight with some. People also had open ears for me of his community two in particular I will say thanks today. My job is fun for the most part and pays enough. And when I am in the here and now my thoughts are “normal”. Only when I turn my thoughts to my future, my goals, my values… its when it becomes all dark and sour. And I know this and don’t want to be ungrateful but at the same time this things lay on my mind for months one even for years now.
Fuck 2025 this might have been the biggest bummer of a year since … I don’t know 2018 or the first half of 2013.
They are 3 things this year particular witch bring me to this conclusion and I will list them chronological
Growing apart
I had/have a friend which was very integral for my live in the last 1 1/2 – 2 years. He did spend quite a lot of time with me and showed interest in my wellbeing and my daily adventures. It kinda made me feel important. He trusted me with his inner world, and I thought I could be of help and be important for them … and yeah I was. But over the year we have grown apart. At first, I did not realize it. And even when I did, I found explanations why the friendship felt colder. I attributed it to stress, to going thru a hard time but I did press him about it only after weeks/months.
Its not the first friendship that go so deep (well every friendship on this level is special but I see two other friendships in the past witch acted similar in my live. And now that I am working and struggle to maintain my old friendships and barely meet new people I did no know before. I would say the likelihood of sutch a deep friendship dwindles. And I can’t expect people to be interested in me, to be interested in my live or rely on me. For that I would need to become a person deserving of that. But at this point in my live I don’t know how I could reach that goal on how I am missing it. He was a source of great joy and a anchor to my live and I feel lost without them and hopeless. My way of dealing with it is to keep my mind occupied, witch works but isn’t it stupid when someone robbing themselves to reflect since it brings them to many darkness.
Mid-Live crises
Honestly don’t know if I should call it that. But I am unsure how to name it differently. Basically, it started on my birthday but was a thing in my mind before just not as loud. A lot of my friends marry, get children, buy or renovate houses. And that’s normal. They have less time for me since they have romantic relationships or children, which is also normal. I fail at all these which doesn’t feel normal. I failed to get in a romantic relationship the past 8 years. Friends of mine stay single for like a month and are in new relationships so yeah clearly, I am the stupid Idiot who is to stupid to get it. I did online dating for 4 months I got like 3 matches with one never writing me, one ghosting me and the other writing in 1-word answers. It did not feel like I was making progress and I felt shitty while doing it. So I don’t really see myself getting back to it. But the state of my live makings me deeply sad. I don’t want this to continue. I fear for friendships that I have and rely on to also break or grow apart. The numbers of friends in this city I stay in melts away, but there is also no other city where “my friends” are at. I also catch myself getting bitter. Where I at first was really happy for every friend getting married, getting children or going on with their live and moving away. It all seems like a reflection of them getting what I want and be a reminder of my constant failing. I cant be happy for there progress and them getting a child seems to me like the message: “We will have less time for you sucker.” And I don’t want to be that guy. I know how pathetic that is! But it is. And honestly It was for the last 5 or so years but since this year it has grown more on the forefront of my thinking.
The cut of ties
The friend I mentioned in the beginning asked for less contact with me. The word cut is misleading since we both still have the option to wright each other, witch I am thankful for. But we do it less and it has not come to any deep talks or something like that. I feel you can feel the distance. But well that’s just more of the first point you might say. Well it hits somewhat different for me. For one it forced me to realize to loss of closeness, the loss of my place in his world and his place in my world. Before that I did not “miss” him since hey if I have to tell him something I can wright him up. Now I miss him. The time when I missed him every hour has passed, but the day where I do not think of him has to be born yet. Even knowing what I miss is not the last month, but when I think of him, I think of this happy time over a year. Conversation we had, feeling and thought we entrusted each other with. Plans we made. And I understand his request. Honestly If he or a other friend told me the situation out of his perspective I would have advised them the same to cut ties. At least in the end the friendship to me did not seem, helpful, understanding, caring or supportive of him. All Things I set out to be and who I was not. I think this decision to lower ties is also a thing that gnaws away on me. This never happened to me. Never asked a friend for a end of friendship or to see me less often. The two friendships I mentioned where in hindsight I felt as deep connected kinda faded away since they relied on real live conversation and without this the died of slowly(well also there I still have contact but not nearly as close or often as in its prime). A person asking for an end feels different. I still can only say good things about his behavior in the friendship and I blew it big time. Not by any one action but by not releasing and acting on a shift in the dynamic.
In the end they all come together to full my second most fear (the first is dementia) to be left alone. To be left behind. That I failed to succeed in the live task everyone around me succeed.
Pleas god give me a perspective in live or let it all end painless and quickly (Here I feel the need to clarify that I am not suicidal …. Only tired and sometimes hopeless)
A last Song I want to share on this regard.
[Part 1]
We took the same train on the way to school in the morning
Same timetable, same day, same song
Spun our plan, where are the vanished names
Which we gave to all the things long before the wounds came
Hated the same teachers, fancied the same girls
I still listen to rap today - but back then it was ten times hotter
Shared mini pizzas, then later the favorit smokes
Starter caps, black tags, sitting around on park benches
Fences were fun to climb over - every day was an adventure
Stealing boats, firing emergency rockets into the night over the Havel
Nothing warmed us more than the unauthorized campfires
When every story was brand new
And not retold and retold
And relived in memory or as here by me
Preserved in songs
No matter how you twist and turn it
The straight path remains the most difficult
[Hook]
The whole world wants a new beginning
But I just want the old wagon to keep running
Where have all the friends gone?
In the photos we laugh forever
And no one can take away what's long gone
The whole world wants a new beginning
But I just want the old wagon to keep running
Where have all the friends gone?
In the photos we laugh forever
And no one can take away what's long gone
[Part 2]
How paths always part, but not ours
I thought, until the next one disappeared from the call list
Look through my phone book, so many numbers I haven't called in a long time
And I miss the moments we shared
My face wraps itself in vapor, then when I slowly
Take a drag on my cigarette butt, raise my glass: I drink to us, but drink alone
The one old friend who's still here limps in
Where did all the friends go? We'll call - one day
But we see each other most often on Facebook
Where did all the friends go? See you - someday
We say and think that we can't be bought
But life costs everyone their lives in the end
And, seen as a whole, only consists of thousands of details
And in each one, really each one
When seen in the light, the devil is in it
[Hook]
The whole world wants a new beginning
But I just want the old wagon to keep running
Where have all the friends gone?
In the photos we laugh forever
And no one can take away what's long gone
[Part 3]
Lost friends to women, lost friends to money
Friends disappeared and live on the other side of the world
Lost friends to a few friends who weren't friends at all
Friends lost to booze and the little white lines
Friends lost to togetherness, to home ownership, to wife and child
To the western meaning of life itself
Friends lost to their bosses
To ambition, to the new Porsche, money is the first and eternal duty