“It’s a monster!”
“Yeah! A big hungry monster that comes out on Halloween! And you gotta watch out for it, especially if you’re trick-or-treating without any grown-ups.”
“That’s ‘cause it’s scared of grown-ups and it can hide under the ground. So it only comes out when kids are alone and it can go anywhere. And it’s really fast and quiet.”
Q. What does the Cub Candy Gobbler eat?
“Cubs. DUHHHHH!!!”
(giggling)
“It eats kids ‘cause it’s, like, made of candy. I mean it’s made out of all the candy that gets lost on Halloween and falls out of candy bags. So it’s—”
“But, but it looks like a big pumpkin ‘cause its body is a pumpkin candy bucket. Only really big.”
“Shut up, I’m talking! So it eats candy but it when you’re walking around with candy, it thinks you’re candy too. Because you smell like the candy. So it eats you.”
“And that means it gets more dangerous later at night, ‘cause you have more candy so you smell more sweet.”
Q. How does the Cub Candy Gobbler eat cubs?
“It has tentacles, only—“
“They’re candy!”
“Yeah, they’re like sticky taffy tentacles, and they’re pink.”
“Nuh-uh! They’re all different colors! And they come out its mouth and they grab you. And you can’t get away, and then you get pulled into its mouth.”
“It’s all full of the taffy, and when you’re inside its body you get turned into taffy too. And then you’re dead. Only it doesn’t hurt.”
“Yeah, it doesn’t hurt, it tickles and you get filled up with taffy until you turn into taffy. And you don’t die, you’re just trapped forever.”
“Nooo, you die, stupid! It kills you!”
“No!”
“Uh-huh!”
Q. What else can you tell us about the Cub Candy Gobbler?
“It’s got these two arms…”
“No it doesn’t!”
“Yeah it does! They come out of its body. And they’re made of candy too, only it’s all the candy that nobody eats. Like candy necklaces and Neco wafers and raisins, and anything that’s green apple flavored…and especially candy corn. Gross stuff.”
“Candy corn is awesome!”
“No it’s not! It’s gross! And if you like candy corn, you’re dead because the two arms only eat the cubs who like all the gross candy. They grab you and they have these mouths and these big fangs. And you get eaten and digested for a million billion googolplex years.”
“Yeah, but you know what? Know what the arms really are? They’re not really arms, they’re….they’re DICKS!”
(ten minutes of uncontrollable giggling)
Q. Last question, boys. What would you do if you met the Cub Candy Gobbler?
“I’d kick it and stab it with my sword until it was dead!”
“You can’t kill it, stupid! I would run away really fast, only it would still get me ‘cause it’s too faster than me.”
“I’d yell a lot, and it would pull my pants off and eat me.”
(giggling)
“It would pull my pants off too! And my undies!”
(giggling)
“It doesn’t like eating pants. But it likes the rest of your costume ‘cause everybody’s costume tastes different.”
“My costume doesn’t have pants.”
“That’s okay because, um, it’d still pull them off, ‘cause it likes the taste of your boner.”
“EWWWW!”
(giggling, name-calling, wrestling. Interview terminated)
And that's all for our victims... \r\n\t\t\t\t\t
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