| \r\n\t\t\t \r\n\t\t\t\t \r\n\t\t\t \r\n\t\t\t |
What did Gace start in Septemeber of '78? What did she started almost nine months before? It is not that I was pushing this relationship into some direction, I was too hurt, too much in pain, too worried about just making it through the day to demand anything from her. But in the back of my mind, was she giving me sympathy sex? Was she sorry for me being nearly crippled and blind, healed but in pain from one, still in darkness from the other, and was being more than a girlfriend to me because no one else would? Or as I a means for her to get something she is not suposed to have? The thought of her getting pregnant at any moment she threw at me was daunting. Bad enough I'm the father, but in the eyes of others - what about her? Was I forcing her to do those things or was she a slut and hoe that took advantaged of a blind and injured boy?
Grace learned a lot from me. Like having a secret compartment in her purse and bookbag where only she knew how to access. And keeping secrets, like I learned in later years, she was on the pill at the this all had started. But like most girls, she can act. Not that she faked orgasms when we did it, for her it was for me to reach that point whether she did or not but somehow we did together at about the same time. But hiding her feelings for me from me and others is where her acting was at its best.
Sometime during this time of which she would not tell me about it for a couple more years, she was told that she promised to somebody else for marriage as a pre-arranged famliy thing. Being the only child, she had no one else to throw this one. But until then, she was allowed to see me, but only me. But her feelings for me was conflicting for her. Unlike Cathy, she did tried to fight it. And she was able to do and say things to get me out of trouble because of those feelings.
After sex we would just lay there quietly. For me the drugs in my system would try to over compensate for the activities done, forcing me to relax to a near sleepy state. Still conscious as to what was going on, but needed to rest to rebuild the energy reserves I spent to keep up with her. Even though she was on top, I had to concentrate on keeping myself hard for her for as long as I can and with a lower spinal colunm out if whack, concetrating took more out of me than I thought possible. Like in the early days of physical therapy - when I was on the parallel bars holding myself up and concentrating on re-establing nueral connections to move one leg forward while adjusting the lean on the other to create a step. Relearning how to walk again was the worst three weeks of my life ever in terms of pain and other low energy. Without her I would not know how I would have surpassed that part of my life.
But in these times after we had sex, I would rest and she would think I was asleep, she ask herself a lot of questions my ears had heard. She would lean partly on me, holding my penis that was deep in her vagina moments ago in her fingers as if she was examing it.
"Why you?" Was one she often repeated to herself.
"How can I allow this to happen?" Was another, though the more times we did it, the less times she asked it.
"Do I love you or just want you?" She sometimes asks. Then she answered, "I do..." But which one was never elaborated.
"Am I your girlfriend because of this?" She often asks. It is sometimes followed by, "Do you want me as a girlfriend or do you just want sex from me?"
But after about 15 minutes to 1/2 an hour, I would seem to wake up, pretending not to have heard anything. She would look up at me for a moment.
"What would you like to do?" She would ask.
"What ever you want to do, don't we have a date to go on?" I would ask.
"In about an hour we can go." She replies.
"An hour?" I ask.
"Yea." She answers, before asking, "You capable of doing it again?"
"With you on top again?" I ask in return.
She would just nod.